Coos busted a thief who stole 42,000 pounds of pistachios

But the thief will plead not guilty due to insanity because what he stole was nuts

If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?

Under a buck

I'm releasing a new line of sleep aids featuring melatonin-infused almonds, cashews, and pistachios.

They're called Doze Nuts.

Gambling is like eating a bowl of pistachios

If you get a good pistachio, you want another good one
If you get a bad one, you want a good one even more
And that’s gambling for you in a nutshell

You know when you open a pistachio and it's empty inside?

That's getting to know me, in a nutshell.

Pistachio can’t

But pecan

[NSFW] Are you a pistachio?

Because I want to split you open and get a nut out.

Went to Costco to pick up some groceries. I am on the low carb diet but wanted something salty to snack on. Checked aisle by aisle for almonds or pistachios or cashews but they were all out.

Guess it is no nut November.

Eating pistachios is like picking up girls

You always go for the easiest ones to crack first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw my son with his penis in a bag of pistachios.

He's fucking nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

What do you call a mustache soaked in urine?

A pistachio.

What do you call survivors of brothel arson?

Pistachios



What does the shepherd call the sheep he just sold? Cashews

What’s another name for a pearl necklace? Chestnut

What’s on the other side of a gloryhole? Walnuts

What was the peeping Tom doing? Pecan



Please help me fill out my nut pun reper...

The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform

You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios

Milk mustaches are kinda cute . . .

Pistachios are just nuts.

Did you know Pinocchio has a brother?

His name is Pistachio, every time he lies his nuts grow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A homeless man walks into a restaurant...

He sits down at a table and asks to speak to the manager. The manager walks over to the man and says

"Can I help you?"

"I'm going to be honest with you. I have no money to pay for a meal. But I want to make a little wager with you. I want you to take any spoon that you want and then I ...

What do you call a nut with facial hair?

A pistachio...

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