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Pistachio Jokes

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My sister said she walked into her teacher after class and he had his penis in a bag of pistachios

People are fucking nuts

You know when you open a pistachio and it's empty inside?

That's getting to know me, in a nutshell.

I'm releasing a new line of sleep aids featuring melatonin-infused almonds, cashews, and pistachios.

They're called Doze Nuts.

I'm addicted to pistachios.

I know, that's nuts.

If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?

Under a buck

Pistachio can’t

But pecan

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard of the new sex move called the pistachio?

No? Well, it’s when a girl pees on your face and you get some in your moustache.

Coos busted a thief who stole 42,000 pounds of pistachios

But the thief will plead not guilty due to insanity because what he stole was nuts

Gambling is like eating a bowl of pistachios

If you get a good pistachio, you want another good one
If you get a bad one, you want a good one even more
And that’s gambling for you in a nutshell

Eating pistachios is like picking up girls

You always go for the easiest ones to crack first.

What do you call a mustache soaked in urine?

A pistachio.

I’ve never experienced post-nut clarity.

Maybe I should switch from pecans to pistachios.

Went to Costco to pick up some groceries. I am on the low carb diet but wanted something salty to snack on. Checked aisle by aisle for almonds or pistachios or cashews but they were all out.

Guess it is no nut November.

I failed NNN

I just wanted some pistachios

Did you know Pinocchio has a brother?

His name is Pistachio, every time he lies his nuts grow.

What do you call survivors of brothel arson?

Pistachios



What does the shepherd call the sheep he just sold? Cashews

What’s another name for a pearl necklace? Chestnut

What’s on the other side of a gloryhole? Walnuts

What was the peeping Tom doing? Pecan



Please help me fill out my nut pun reper...

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Dr. Sigmund had just been named the new head psychiatrist at a mental hospital. (Long)

He decided to make the rounds of the ward and introduce himself to the patients. In the first hospital room he met Patient #1, who seemed to be playing an imaginary game of baseball

Dr. Sigmund asked, "Tell me, why were you placed in this hospital?"

"They're all jealous of me!" said P...

The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform

You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios

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Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A homeless man walks into a restaurant...

He sits down at a table and asks to speak to the manager. The manager walks over to the man and says

"Can I help you?"

"I'm going to be honest with you. I have no money to pay for a meal. But I want to make a little wager with you. I want you to take any spoon that you want and then I ...

What do you call a nut with facial hair?

A pistachio...

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