Every year for my birthday my mom spends a fortune on sending me a gourmet selection of high-quality cashews, pistachios, and almonds. Specially selected and seasoned, I Googled how much she's been spending on these gifts: around $1,000 each.

It's just nuts.

Gambling is like eating a bowl of pistachios

If you get a good pistachio, you want another good one
If you get a bad one, you want a good one even more
And that’s gambling for you in a nutshell

If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?

Under a buck

Went to Costco to pick up some groceries. I am on the low carb diet but wanted something salty to snack on. Checked aisle by aisle for almonds or pistachios or cashews but they were all out.

Guess it is no nut November.

The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform

You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios

Pistachio can’t

But pecan

You know when you open a pistachio and it's empty inside?

That's getting to know me, in a nutshell.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just saw a guy in the street putting his member in a bag of pistachios.

He's fucking nuts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

Eating pistachios is like picking up girls

You always go for the easiest ones to crack first.

What do you call a nut with facial hair?

A pistachio...

What do you call a mustache soaked in urine?

A pistachio.

Did you know Pinocchio has a brother?

His name is Pistachio, every time he lies his nuts grow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A homeless man walks into a restaurant...

He sits down at a table and asks to speak to the manager. The manager walks over to the man and says

"Can I help you?"

"I'm going to be honest with you. I have no money to pay for a meal. But I want to make a little wager with you. I want you to take any spoon that you want and then I ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.