Pistachio Jokes - 16 Hilarious Pistachio Jokes

I'm releasing a new line of sleep aids featuring melatonin-infused almonds, cashews, and pistachios.

They're called Doze Nuts.

You know when you open a pistachio and it's empty inside?

That's getting to know me, in a nutshell.

I'm addicted to pistachios.

I know, that's nuts.

If almonds are $1, peanuts $.50, and pistachios $1.50, how much are deer nuts?

Under a buck

Pistachio can’t

But pecan

Coos busted a thief who stole 42,000 pounds of pistachios

But the thief will plead not guilty due to insanity because what he stole was nuts

Gambling is like eating a bowl of pistachios

If you get a good pistachio, you want another good one
If you get a bad one, you want a good one even more
And that’s gambling for you in a nutshell

Eating pistachios is like picking up girls

You always go for the easiest ones to crack first.

I’ve never experienced post-nut clarity.

Maybe I should switch from pecans to pistachios.

What do you call a mustache soaked in urine?

A pistachio.

Went to Costco to pick up some groceries. I am on the low carb diet but wanted something salty to snack on. Checked aisle by aisle for almonds or pistachios or cashews but they were all out.

Guess it is no nut November.

I failed NNN

I just wanted some pistachios

Did you know Pinocchio has a brother?

His name is Pistachio, every time he lies his nuts grow.

What do you call a nut with facial hair?

A pistachio...

The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform

You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Zeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.

An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!

So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along th...

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