Pecan Jokes - 27 Hilarious Pecan Jokes

A Blonde was down on her luck.

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.

She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag ...

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One ...

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Never befriend someone who is sexually attracted to almonds and pecans.

Eventually you’ll realize they’re fucking nuts.

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What do you call someone who has sex with pecans?

Fucking nuts

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You ever stick your dick in pecan pie?

It's fucking nuts.

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Did you hear about the judge caught masturbating with a jar of pecans?

Just fucking nuts.

I drive around and sell pies. Key lime for $8 and pecan pie for $10.

Those are the pie rates of the car I be in.

What happens when you eat too many pecans?

You get pecan-stipated

So two boys were picking pecans out of a tree in the cemetery....

They had finally picked out all of the pecans, and began to divvy up the harvest. They sat in the branches, hidden from below. "One for you, One for me. One for you, one for me." and so on. While they were counting, they dropped two pecans, and they rolled over to the fence. After a while, a boy had...

Key lime pie is Barbados costs $3.14 Pecan pie in Jamaica costs $1.59.

Those are the Pi Rates of the Caribbean.

How do you tell the circumference of a pecan

Pecan pi

Why did the walnut know where the cashew was hiding

Because he was pecan

What's something that grows on trees and every Amazon driver has one?

A pecan.

I’ve never experienced post-nut clarity.

Maybe I should switch from pecans to pistachios.

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It’s a little boy’s seventh birthday.

For his birthday, his parents buy him a really superb cowboy outfit. I mean, it’s got everything: the boots, the spurs, the tiny plastic revolvers. The boy is thrilled; he doesn’t take the outfit off all day.

That evening, the little boy’s parents take him out to an ice cream parlor for a ...

Pricey Pies

Did you know a pork pie in Aruba costs $1.50? A cheese and spinach pie will cost you $2.60 in Barbados. An apple pie is only $1.30 in Jamaica whereas a pecan pie will set you back $3.50 in Grenada.

And those are the pie rates of the Carribean.

What do you call survivors of brothel arson?

Pistachios

What does the shepherd call the sheep he just sold? Cashews

What’s another name for a pearl necklace? Chestnut

What’s on the other side of a gloryhole? Walnuts

What was the peeping Tom doing? Pecan

Please help me fill out my nut pun reper...

How did the school bullies kill a kid with a nut allergy?

They would always pecan him.

Father's Day weekend Dad joke.

Got a big decision to make in November...

Pumpkin or pecan pie for thanksgiving?

This joke is nuts but its strictly for northeasterners

The rest of you no pecan

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Little Johnny

Little Johnny had a job at an ice cream parlor. Guy comes in and says I’ll have a scoop of vanilla and a scoop of chocolate. Johnny says we don’t have any chocolate sorry. Guy says OK I’ll have a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate. Little Johnny says I just told you we don’t have any choco...

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"I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

A man trudges into a bar and slumps down on a stool.

"Hey, buddy," the bartender says, "you look pretty down. What's eating you?"

The man sighs and shrugs. "I went to the annual Dickens Fair, and now my wife wants a divorce."

"Isn't that just a bunch of Victorian costumes, usele...

Pistachio can’t

But pecan

Does anyone know what Barack Obama’s favorite nut is?

Yes, pecan!

Today I’m thankful that...

EA isnt in charge of Thanksgiving.

I couldnt afford the sense of pride and accomplishment it’d take to get to the pecan pie.

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You know how they say blondes are dumb?

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop

She's greeted by the cashier who says welcome to my ice cream shop we have almost every flavor you can think of but unfortunately we are out of all chocolate items including ice cream and toppings so what are you having today miss?

She replies can ...

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

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