On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.

One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he pas...

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Did you hear about the judge caught masturbating with a jar of pecans?

Just fucking nuts.

Key lime pie is Barbados costs $3.14 Pecan pie in Jamaica costs $1.59.

Those are the Pi Rates of the Caribbean.

I drive around and sell pies. Key lime for $8 and pecan pie for $10.

Those are the pie rates of the car I be in.

So two boys were picking pecans out of a tree in the cemetery....

They had finally picked out all of the pecans, and began to divvy up the harvest. They sat in the branches, hidden from below. "One for you, One for me. One for you, one for me." and so on. While they were counting, they dropped two pecans, and they rolled over to the fence. After a while, a boy had...

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You ever stick your dick in pecan pie?

It's fucking nuts.

What happens when you eat too many pecans?

You get pecan-stipated

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It’s a little boy’s seventh birthday.

For his birthday, his parents buy him a really superb cowboy outfit. I mean, it’s got everything: the boots, the spurs, the tiny plastic revolvers. The boy is thrilled; he doesn’t take the outfit off all day.

That evening, the little boy’s parents take him out to an ice cream parlor for a ...

How do you tell the circumference of a pecan

Pecan pi

What do you call survivors of brothel arson?

Pistachios



What does the shepherd call the sheep he just sold? Cashews

What’s another name for a pearl necklace? Chestnut

What’s on the other side of a gloryhole? Walnuts

What was the peeping Tom doing? Pecan



Please help me fill out my nut pun reper...

Got a big decision to make in November...

Pumpkin or pecan pie for thanksgiving?

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A little Texas joke

A young man in Oklahoma turns 21. Excited, he tells his father, “I want to finally go to Texas.”

His father warns, “Scooter, you’re a full-grown man, now. I can’t stop you from going to Texas. But I have to warn you… **EVERYTHING IS BIG IN TEXAS!** You can’t be prepared for how absolutely hug...

A blonde was down on her luck

In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and...

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You know how they say blondes are dumb?

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop

She's greeted by the cashier who says welcome to my ice cream shop we have almost every flavor you can think of but unfortunately we are out of all chocolate items including ice cream and toppings so what are you having today miss?

She replies can ...

How did the school bullies kill a kid with a nut allergy?

They would always pecan him.



Father's Day weekend Dad joke.

This joke is nuts but its strictly for northeasterners

The rest of you no pecan

What do you call a nut that eats other nuts?

A pecan-nibal!

Made this up at work while hungry.

Pistachio can’t

But pecan

Does anyone know what Barack Obama’s favorite nut is?

Yes, pecan!

Heaviest Lunch

This is a really old story my grandfather told me years ago.

When he was in elementary school in his tiny rural town, they pretty much ate what they grew or killed. Well he was going on a couple weeks of having nothing to eat for lunch at school beside mustard greens and a biscuit. He got ti...

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