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Toad Jokes

What do roundworms and a toad with no iron have in common?

They're both anemotodes.




Not technically OC, my mom came up with it

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Once there was a man with a 15 inch penis.

He absolutely hated it, because it was too big for any woman to handle. Every time he tried to have sex, he ended up accidentally hurting his partner.

One day he went to the witch at the edge of town and asked her to help him make it smaller. "I cannot do that," said the witch, "But I do know...

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What sound does a Horny Toad make?

RUBBIT

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A guy walks into a bar with a toad on his head.

"Oh my God, how the hell did that happen?" asks the bartender.

"I don't know, it started as a boil on my arse" replies the toad.

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The Wizard and the Toad

Once upon a time, long, long ago, a wizard lived in an enchanted forest. He usually used his magical powers to help the animals that lived there.
One afternoon, a toad came hopping up to the wizard's cottage and knocked on the door. The wizard opened the door and saw that the toad was, remarkably...

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What's the difference between a hop toad and a horny toad?

A hop toad says, "Ribbit, ribbit."

A horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it."

What's a toad's favorite drink?

Croaka-Cola

Why did the toad evade his taxes?

He was Kermiting frog.

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What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a horny toad?

I don’t know, but you would sure get a lot of them.

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Once upon a time there was a toad named Ian.

Ian had tourette's. His life's dream was to become a toad janitor. But every place he applied turn him down because he would cuss repeatedly as a result of his tourette's. Him saying cuss words all the time was distracting to the other employees.

Finally he saw there was an opening to be a ja...

What's the difference between a banjo player and a squashed toad on the side of the road?

There is a slim possibility that the toad was on its way to a gig.

Why did the toad cross the road?

.
.

He wanted to prove to his friends he had guts.

Did you know that toads are just frogs that have farted too much?

Ran out of gas, had to be toad

If I had to choose to hang out with either Mario, Luigi or Toad. I'd pick Toad.

He seems like a fungi.

I love Toad from Super Mario

you know, the little guy with the mushroom head. He always made me laugh.

He's a real fungi.

What do you call an illegally parked frog?

Toad

Why was Mario’s kart missing?

It was Toad.

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So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest....

Kind of pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he was brown or green like the other toads. He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing.

Any way ... this yellow toad bumps into a Fairy Godmother, like you do, and he begs her; "Fairy Godmother please m...

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This guy walks into the Doctor's office with a toad on his head

So, the Dr. says, " May I help you sir?" and the toad says, "Yeah, get this wart off of my ass."

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

Why does princess peach keep toad around?

Because he's a "fun-gi"

Did you hear about the guy who broke into the zoo to lick the toads?

He croaked.

How can you tell if a toad is french?

When you pick him up, he goes oui oui.

Why did Princess Peach dump Mario for Toad?

Because he just wasn't as much of a fun guy.

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What do you call a video of two toads having sex?

Frogspawn.

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South American Blow Job Toad

A young guy walks into a bar. An old drunk sits with a shoe box on the stool next to him.

The guy asks, "What's in the box?"

The older guy says matter-of-factly, "A South American Blow Job Toad."

The young guy looks around. "Can I try it?"

The older guy nods. The young gu...

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A yellow toad in the land of Oz...

A poor little toad was born the color yellow in the land of Oz. None of the other toads would play with him, and so he had a rough life. As he was crying about his situation, while sitting on a toadstool one day, the good witch came by.

The kind hearted sorceress heard his sobbing and sto...

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What did the horny toad say when designing a sex toy?

Ribbit

*Credit goes to Brian, random guy sitting next to me on couch.

Why didn't Toad get an invitation to Mario's Party?

Because even though he's a fun guy there isn't much room.

Why did the frog take the bus to work today?

His car got toad.

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I took my three year old for a walk and he started crying because I accidentally stood on a toad stool.

Not sure why he was so upset, I'm the one with frog shit on my shoe.

What did Toad say when Toadette told him to scoot over in the twin size bed?

I don’t have Mushroom

What is a toad's favorite kind of beer?

One with a lot of hops.

What happens when a frog’s car dies?

He needs a jump. If that doesn’t work he has to get it toad...

A frog is sitting on a lily pad in the middle of what is clearly a river. He shouts to a toad on the shore, "Hey, look at me, I'm on a lake!" The toad yells back,

"Naw man, you're in de-nile"

A granny walks in to a doctor's office with a toad on her head

A granny walks in to a doctor's office with a toad on her head.
"What's wrong?" asks the doctor-
"This massive wart grew out of my ass",
answers the toad

*Przyhcodzi baba do lekarza*, classic Polish joke

A pastor decides to blow off his Sunday service and go golfing.

"See that?" St Peter says to God, pointing down at the errant preacher teeing up at the first hole.

"Yup" says God, "I'll fix him, the little truant!"

WIth that, God waves his arm, and the vicar tees off.

The ball hits a tree, flies straight up in the air, where it's caught by a...

Why did the genie turn the man into a toad?

He rubbed him the wrong way.

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I thought I picked a mushroom that smelled like poop

Turns out it was just toad stool

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A man goes to a doctor with a large, dirty toad on his head.

The doctor asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

And the toad replies, "Hey, Doc, there's something stuck to my ass."

Have you seen the ballet Frog Lake?

It's toad-ally like Swan Lake but with more leaping.

What kind of shoes do Frogs wear?

Open Toad sandals...

I'll show myself out - thank you

A "No parking sign" hangs in front of the swamp

It says, "This Parking Area is for FROGS ONLY. Violators will be toad."

a parking enforcement officer just cast a spell on me because I parked in a handicap spot illegally

“you will be toad”

What type of sandals do frogs wear?

Open-toad.

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Learned in church camp when I was 10 or 11. The only joke I know.

So there was this yellow toad, he wants to be green like his buddies. He goes to the Dr. and gets a blood transfusion to turn himself green. A while later he returns to the Dr. "Hey doc, you did a good job. But I have one problem...my dick is still yellow". The Dr. tells the toad that he can't do an...

For Star Trek fans. A Romulan man, a Ferengi businessman, a ravishing Human woman and a homely Bajoran are sharing a compartment on an old train as it makes its way through the mountains.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Ferengi is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The Bajoran thinks "I bet that dirty...

What type of shoes do amphibians wear?

Open toad

Credits to my Google Assistant

Why was the frog upset when he got back to the swamp?

His lily pad was Toad.

Why did Melania blow Donald Trump?

She thought if she kissed a toad he'd finally become a prince.

What did the frog call when it’s car broke down?

A toad truck!

My 6 year old told me this today and I wanted to share with you guys :)

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