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John and Harry are walking in the desert when John is suddenly struck on his penis by a rattlesnake...

“What do we do?!” John yells in excruciating pain.

Harry grabs his cell from his pocket “Hang in there, I’ll call the doctor and ask!”

The doctor tells Harry: “First, you need to remain calm. Panic will only worsen the situation. Now, cut a 1/4” incision and carefully suck the venom ou...

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I propose a toast! To rattlesnakes and condoms...

Two thing I prefer not to fuck with

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While conducting drills up in a mountain, a soldier gets bit on his penis by a rattlesnake...

The platoon was split into pairs for these drills, and while climbing the mountain, one of them yells out to his partner: "OUCH!! A snake just bit me on my dick! Quick, run down for help!!"

So the other soldier runs his ass down the hill and finds his Lieutenant and explains the situation. Th...

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Whats do a rattlesnake and a limp dick have in common?

You dont fuck with either one.

Did you know the Prairie Rattlesnake can move at approximately 75 mph?

At least once he gets his drivers license he can.

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Two guys are out hunting, when a rattle snake bites one of them on the dick.

Two buddies are out hunting. After a long day, they sit down to have a drink and relax. They both sit down on some fallen logs. Right as they settle in, a rattlesnake comes up from under the log, and bites one of them right in the dick.

The man starts screaming and falls to the ground. His bu...

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo was on the side of a dirt road in rural Arizona. On the other side of the road was a chicken.
So, he hollers, "Hey there! Babe! I don't usually talk with random chicks, but you ought to know that I am like a hundred years old. Do you want to know the secret to...

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

I can't believe rattlesnake warnings are called rattles

and not cautionary tails

How did possums learn to play dead?

When scientists learned that possums can survive up to 80 rattlesnake bites

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

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3 cowboys are sitting around a campfire bragging about all the adventures they’ve had over the years.

The first cowboy says, “I’ve gotta be the toughest cowboy out there. Just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and killed 3 men and I single handedly wrestled that bull to the ground.”

The second cowboy says, “that’s nothing. About 2 weeks ago I found this huge rattlesnake, so I grabb...

How do you turn a cobra into a rattlesnake?

Give it to Michael J Fox

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A badass

A group of cowboys are out camping in the middle of the woods. Night time comes and they build a fire and cook beans and make a pot coffee. All the sudden they hear a bunch of branches snap and crack, a hellacious amount of movement coming from the woods. They begin to panic and a man appears from t...

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Bill, Jim Bob, and Ol' Gus

Bill, Jim Bob, and Ol' Gus are sitting around the camp fire one night drinking and swapping stories of their manliness.

Bill says "One time I was out hunting a cougar. Tracked her for miles and came up on a cave. I figured it must be her den so I peeked inside. Saw her cubs but she weren't th...

So Pete, Joe, and Dave are planning their desert hiking/camping trip.

Dave ask Pete what he was bringing.

"Well, my tent, lil cooker, some water and a bottle of Irish whiskey... in case of rattlesnakes."

Dave ask Joe what he was bringing. "Water, sunscreen, my pack, extra socks and a bottle of Scotch whiskey... in case of rattlesnakes."

The two ot...

A man finds a rhumba of rattlesnakes inside a suitcase

So he calls 911 and tells the operator about the matter at hand. The operator is shocked to hear this and asks whether the snakes are moving. The man says "I don't know, but that might explain the suitcase."

Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.

Ole needs to toss a whizz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business. All the sudden Sven hears a bone chilling cry. He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.

"Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don't want to di...

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Bit On The Butt By A Rattlesnake

Two friends are walking through the jungle and one gets bit on the butt by a rattlesnake. He looks at his friend and says "Run back to the village and get the doctor! I got bit on the butt by a rattlesnake!" The friend runs back to the village and finds the local doctor. He tells the doctor "You mus...

Went to visit my farmer friend and noticed a three-legged pig in the barnyard...

When I asked him what happened he said, “A couple of years ago, we had a fire in the cellar and that pig went to squealing and screaming and raising holy hell to wake us all up in time. Saved all our lives.

“Then, last summer, that pig saw a rattlesnake was sneaking up on little Timmy as he w...

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My dad told me this one so it should probably go on r/dadjokes but oh well.

Two men go hunting and hunter 1 tells the other he has to take a leak. So he goes behind some trees and starts pissing. All of a sudden, a rattlesnake jumps out and bites his dick. He runs away to hunter 2 and says “oh my god man a snake just bit my dick please go get help!” So hunter 2 goes to find...

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Two men went camping.

They head out of town to a remote place in the woods.

While setting up the tent one of the men gets bitten by a rattlesnake on his dick.

The man was in pain and couldn’t move.

“I’ll run to town and ask the doctor what I need to do” said the second man.

The second man ran ...

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his ...

My wife

Not many of you know that my wife was bitten by a rattlesnake over the summer, while we were camping. After two days of horrible, writhing agony, the snake died.

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During his physical, the doctor asked the patient about his daily activity level.

He described a typical day this way:

“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of ...

Bubba and Jeff are walking through the brush

Bubba and Jeff are taking a walk through the brush sipping their Lone Stars. Jeff says "Hey Bubba, I got a take a leak", and he does. A rattlesnake pops up and bites Jeff on his member .... OUCH!

Jeff is rolling on the ground, and Bubba in a panic calls 911.
"911 What is your emergen...

Big John

A man moves from New York City to the heart of Texas and applies for a job as a bartender.

The owner of the bar says to the man, "You know it's pretty rough around here, I'm not sure you could handle it, There's a stabbing about every night."

The man says he can handle himself, he's ...

I couldn't decide whether to get my nephew a toy or a pet for his first birthday.

Ended up buying him a rattlesnake.

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire....

The first cowboy says to the second two cowboys: “you know I reckon I’m tougher than the both of ya’. One time a rattlesnake bit me, ‘n’ I just went ahead and bit him right back.”

Second cowboy laughs and says “ya’ call that a tough guy story? One time I fought off twelve men just to use a ro...

A Tourist is Trudging Through Australia's Desert

A tourist is trudging through Australia’s Great Victoria Desert. …

He’s completely lost, and he’s quickly running out of water. His vision is rather impaired, and he can tell that he’s only got a few more hours before he’ll pass out.

Suddenly, he accidentally steps on a rattlesnake! Be...

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Three old cowboys...

Frank, Raph, and Jed had just finished their supper by the camp fire and broke out the jug of whiskey. Passing around the jug, they started bragging about their dangerous escapades throughout their lives. Frank says, "I remember one time I was crossing a stream and a 12 foot grizzly bear that was fi...

Two Australian men are in the Outback

Two Australian men are in the Outback to survey land that they'll build a mine on. Suddenly, one of the men screams out in pain, and his friend runs over to him.

"What the hell happened mate?"

"That bloody snake over there bit me on the dong!" The man points to a rattlesnake some ways...

I couldn't decide what to get my son for Christmas.

I thought maybe a toy, maybe a pet. So I compromised and bought him a rattlesnake.

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Just two people hiking

Two best friends, john and joe, were hiking up a mountain. They came to a point where they had to crawl, and a poisonous rattlesnake happened to bite john in the dick. "Run to the doctor in the village, he's the only one around, see if he can cure it!" So joe ran to the doctor, and asked,"a rattlesn...

The longest joke in the world

From: http://longestjokeintheworld.com/

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again....

Two campers are hiking in the woods . . .

One is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. "I'll go into town for a doctor," the other one says. He runs ten miles to the nearest town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.




"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a lit...

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Two friends are hiking in the woods

When one stops to pee. During his potty stop, he is bitten on the dick by a rattlesnake. He cries for help, and his friend comes running over. He sees the snake slithering away and his friend holding his wounded member and immediately calls poison control.
"Please help me, my friend's been bitte...

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Pastor make a bet.

They say, "Whoever goes into the woods and converts the most dangerous animal, wins". So a week goes by and they all return. The Pastor comes back with a rattlesnake and says "He goes to church every week!". The priest comes back with cougar and says "His first he's getting confirmed next month!". T...

Two Hunters

A classic...

Two hunters are out shooting turkey. One of them takes a leak, and gets bitten by a big black rattlesnake. The other hunter shoots the snake, but is too late: his friend got deeply bit on his wiener.

So, he calls 911 and proceeds to explain the situation: "my friend got b...

The tale of Big Bad John

This fellow was out looking for work. He sees a sign in a bar window that says "bartender needed-no experience necessary" so he goes in and takes the sign to the bar and begins to ask "Is the position still open...?"
"You're hired." The bartender says and throws his apron at the man and heads for...

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John and Larry were out hunting one day.

John went into the bushes to take a leak, and a moment later he screamed and came stumbling out.

"A rattlesnake bit me!" he yelled. "Got me right on the wang!"

Larry took out his cell phone and called 911, and they in turn switched him to poison control. A doctor got on the line and ...

Oldie but goodie.

My buddy and I were out hunting one afternoon. He decided he had to take a dump, so he dripped his pants and squatted down. while he was taking care of business a rattlesnake slithered up behind him and bit him on the head of his tally wacker.
He jumbed up with both hands wrapped around it and ...

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Rassis and Leroy are camping...

So Rassis and his buddy Leroy are camping. Rassis is off taking a piss in the woods, when suddenly a rattlesnake bites him right in the penis. He yells for help and Leroy comes running. Rassis looks at Leroy and says, "Leroy, I got bit. Go get a doctor. Quickly." Leroy goes running into town and goe...

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire

out on a lonesome Texas prairie, each with the bravado for which cowboys are famous. A night of tall tales begins.
The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by t...

Jim and Bob are hiking through the woods, and Jim goes off the trail to take a leak.

He suprises a rattlesnake, who strikes at once, and bites him on the pecker. Jim yells over to Bob, who goes into action, and gets a local park ranger on cell phone. Bob tells the story and asks the ranger, "What do I do?"

The ranger says, "You have to try to suck the poison out of the two ...

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