Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp

Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge. But today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross.

“Something for this I have,” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular, dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He ta...

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What is a homosexual reptile that lives in swamps called?

An alli-GAY-tor

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A man got divorced and goes to a swamp to drown himself.

When he’s about to jump, a frog appears and says “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Man tells the frog that his wife left him and took the kids and he wants to kill himself. “Don’t worry, go home and everything will be fine” frog answers. Man comes home to see that his wife and family is back and everything i...

Why did Donald Trump drain the swamp?

So he could hire what was on the bottom.

What is the loneliest swamp in Louisiana?

Bayou Self.

Why is a bad Spanish swamp kind of sweet?

Because it's a marsh malo.

Swamp Mom

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home. My wife doesnt like me to stay out during late night."

The first guy replies, "Ill help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home....

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Three construction workers are building a brick wall in the middle of a swamp.

During a break, the first man, Joe, says, "Let's have a brick throwing competition. Whoever can throw his brick the highest wins!"

"That sounds like fun; I'm in!" Replied the second man, Tom.

"But how will we measure who's goes the highest?" inquired Jim, the third man.

"Simple,...

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Turns out, when you drain the swamp...

You are left with nothing, but the shit at the bottom.

I was stranded in the swamp for days with no food

I had no choice but to hunt down large white birds and eat them. Through the whole ordeal, I found myself filled with egret.

What do you call a reptile lawyer who lives in the swamp?

Alitigator.

The news out of Washington has me feeling like Shrek.

I miss the good old days when all we had was a swamp.

A New York boy is being led through the swamps of Louisiana by his cousin.

"Is it true that an alligator won't attack if you carry a flashlight?" asks the city boy.
His cousin replies "Depends how fast you carry the flashlight".

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A man decided to commit suicide.

His life was worsening as days passed, as well as his emotional state. Underpayed job, failed relationship, no friends, and the only thing keeping him from suicide was his dog, who fell extremely ill and vets confirmed that they cant cure it. The man goes to a swamp, and decides to drown himself, as...

Kermit the frog walks into a bank...

He wants to get a loan and so he speaks to the bank’s loan officer, Mr. Paddywack. Mr. Paddywack asks Kermit how much money he wants to borrow and what is the purpose of the loan. Kermit replies that he needs $5,000 to fix up his lilly pad and to do some other swamp maintenance. Mr. Paddywack is int...

What is it about tall creepy louisiana swamp dwellers that makes them naturally glow?

Their bayou loomin' essence

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana

.She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay the high prices. After unsuccessfully haggling with of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price." Later in the day, the shopkee...

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A man with a 20 inch penis goes to the doctor

He says "Doc, 20 inches is way too much! I'm having trouble with my daily life, and no woman even dares to come near me! This thing has ruined my life! Is it possible to reduce it to something more manageable?"

"Surgery can't help," the doctor explains. "But while I can't recommend this offic...

A frog walked into a bank

..and sat down at the desk of a loan officer. She was a friendly-looking young woman with a name tag that said Patricia Whack.

"I'm looking to take out a personal loan of $5000," the frog said.

The loan officer stared at him skeptically. "Do you have anything to offer as collateral?"...

Two Army Rangers are on vacation in New Orleans....

when they both get the idea to catch an alligator, skin it and get shoes made out of its carcass.

They go to an outfitter to get a boat and all the gear they’ll need, and during the conversation they mention they are army. The outfitter tells them that two Marines with the exact same idea pas...

How to tell what part of Washington you're in: Forest is west, desert is east...

Swamp is DC.

A Chicken walked into a Library

The chicken walking into a library, went up to the Librarian, and said "Book book book"

So the librarian gave the chicken 3 books. The chicken left, and came back around 15 minutes later, to return the books, and again, Said "Book book book"

Again, The chicken left for 15 minutes, and ...

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The story of horse and chicken (long)

Horse and chicken were the best of friends and loved to play together all day on the farm.
one day, while playing near the swamp, horse gets too rambunctious and falls in the swamp up to his neck. Slowly he starts to sink, and as he sinks, he starts yelling to chicken. "chicken! chicken! quick...

The job interview

Boss: There are 900 bricks on an airplane. If you drop 1 outside, how many are left?
Employee : That's easy, 899.

Boss : What are the 3 steps to put an elephant into a fridge?
Employee : Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close the fridge.

Boss : What are the four steps to put...

Turns out Trump just got confused

He made the swamp great again and drained America.

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This guy asks his friend for advice

He says: My wife complains that my penis is too big, and to be fair, she isn't wrong. It's 20cm long, and that's when it's not hard.

The friend replies: Go to the swamp over there, and seek the magic frog. Ask him a question, and if he answers ''no'' you will lose 5cm.

So the guy goes ...

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A man is born with a 26 inch penis

His penis is so long that no women is willing to be with him and he becomes light headed whenever he gets an erection.
Frustrated by this, he decides to seek the help of a with who lives in the swamp. He says to her "witch my penis two feet long, women fear it and I pass out whenever I become ar...

The Brick

*Hover over the answers to see them. I don't know how to do proper spoilers in this sub.*

There are 500 brinks in an airplane. You throw one out the door. How many are left on the plane?

[Answer](/s "499")

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

[Answer](/s "You open t...

A legend of the Native Americans

While many people know of Sequoya, the Native American genius who developed the Cherokee alphabet, fewer have heard of another visionary – yet he made a discovery no less groundbreaking, owing nothing to the white man’s knowledge.

It fell out like this: In the early 1800s, a certain chief, ...

A chicken goes into the library.

A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, "Book."

The librarian says, "You want a book?"
"Book"
"Any book?"
"Book"

So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later, the chicken come back and says, "Book-book."

The lib...

A Cajun, an LSU Tiger, and the mob (long)

Down in Atchafalaya Basin, Louisiana, the sheriff was hearing rumblings of dog fighting. He couldn't figure out what was going on because by the time he got a tip and made his ways through the swamps, everyone was gone. He decided to deputize a few good ol' boys to figure out the powers at work he...

Three frogs are arrested for indecent exposure.

So three frogs are arrested and taken to court for indecent exposure. The judge orders the first frog to approach. He asks the frog's name to which the first frog responds "My name is Frog." "Well frog, what do you have to say about these charges brought against you?" "I was in the swamp, blowing bu...

It's an old joke, but I said it to my kids and their friends and they went hysterical

A plane carries 500 bricks. 1 falls out. How many bricks are left?
499.

How do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
Open the fridge, put in the elephant, and close the fridge.
How do you put a deer in a fridge in 4 steps?
Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in th...

A blonde was on vacation in Louisiana with her boyfriend

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay a fortune for them. So she headed out to the swamp, determined to catch herself an alligator. Her boyfriend stayed at the hotel.
Later that day, she stood waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. She he...

Coach Larry

There wasn't anywhere in Florida you could go without hearing about how great a football coach Larry was. And he was, no doubt, one of the greatest, most respected coaches of the University of Florida.

On the first day of training, he decided to take the Freshman on a run to prepare and inspi...

Brick

- An airplane had 100 bricks in it. One brick falls out. How many are left?
- 99, of course.

- What are the three steps to put an elephant in the fridge?
1. Open the door.
2. Put the elephant in.
3. Close the door.

- What are the three steps to put a horse in th...

An engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter greets him. "Come in, come in." says Peter, "We can always use another engineer." But the engineer is not so sure he wants to go to Heaven. He is a builder and a doer and is afraid he will be bored. So he asks if he can have a look at ...

The chicken in the library

There is this librarian working his early morning shift one day. He's minding his own business at the front desk when suddenly a chicken walks through the front door

Puzzled the librarian waits and the chicken walks to the front desk

"Ba book" says the chicken.
"You want a book? Her...

Donald Trump's plan for the first 100 days is going exactly according to plan...

Now that he's finished building the swamp he can focus on draining the wall.

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The Wasp who Won America's Heart (shaggy dog)

Deep in the wasp swamps of the wasp Florida keys, there lived a young wasp. Just as a proper wasp does, this wasp worked day and night for the hive. He worked and slaved and gave his all - but this wasp was no regular wasp, for within him was the ambition and the wisdom of a great, great wasp. So, w...

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what the doctor says....

Bubba and Jimbob are in the swamp fishing when they scare a snake which bites Bubba on the tip of his penis.

Jimbob quickly calls his dr to see what to do. The dr tells Jimbob to lance the bite and suck out the venom. he goes back to Bubba with a worried look on his face...

Bubba asks ...

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A group of sick minded friends and a cow.

A group of friends are on a beef farm and are bored and looking for something too do. The sick minded one of the group (there's always one) suggets that they should see if they can plug a cows arse. Being a group of sick fuckers, they all think it's a great idea. They go ahead and put a cork up one ...

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Kim Yong Il, Stalin and Hitler have their personal hell...

...which consists of a swamp that will let you sink deeper the more lies you spread during your time as a leader.

Kim Yong Il is buried till his waist.

Stalin is buried till his chest.

Hitler is standing upright above them all, barely sunken in till his ankles with a big grin on...

So a rich Blonde is...

Flying over the Everglades when her private jet has a malfunction and crashes.

Having survived the crash she graps her designer bag, puts on her $1000 shoes and stumbles over to the exit where the captain is opening the door.

taking one look over the wild swamp outside she first looks...

The chicken and his books

A chicken walks into a library and goes up to the librarian. She's surprised, because she's never seen a chicken in there before.


"What can I do for you chicken?", she says.

"Buk", replies the chicken.

So the librarian hands him a book which he promptly keeps under his wing...

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