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Swamp Jokes

A "No parking sign" hangs in front of the swamp

It says, "This Parking Area is for FROGS ONLY. Violators will be toad."

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A guy is fording a swamp.

He's chest-deep in the water and has already crossed a half of the swamp when suddenly something grabs him by the scrotum underwater. The guy stops dead, not knowing what to do. He hears a voice from underwater:

"Plus two or minus two?"

The guy thinks: "okay, I don't know what he's tal...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch your...

A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, “Book.”

The librarian says, “You want a book?”

“Book.”

“Any book?”

“Book.”

So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, “Bookbook.”

The librarian says, “Now you want two books?”

“Book-book.”

So she...

Shrek was furious when all the fairy tale creatures were forced onto his swamp

It was Marsh Madness!

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

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The year is 1939, and the USSR is invading Finland.

The Soviet army is marching through the Finnish swamps when they hear shouting from the other side of a nearby hill:

"I bet one Finn can beat ten Soviets!"

The Soviet officer laughs at this and sends ten of his best soldiers to deal with this guy. After a couple of minutes of shooting ...

It's sweet getting stoned in a swamp:

I call it a marsh mellow.

What is the loneliest swamp in Louisiana?

Bayou Self.

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross...

“Something for this I have.” Yoda says. He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, th...

What did one southern swamp say to the other southern swamp when it was going home?

Bayou!

Why was the frog upset when he got back to the swamp?

His lily pad was Toad.

The frog population in the Okeefenokee Swamp was declining...

Biologists determined it was due to the frogs inability to stay coupled while mating. They contacted an organic chemist at MIT who came up with a solution. He mixed some plasticizers with some adhesive and most importantly one part sodium. The concoction worked perfectly and the swamp was soon re-po...

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In the land of Oz, there was a dark, musky swamp, and in this swamp there lived a bunch of deep green frogs.

Except for one frog, who was a pale yellow color. The yellow frog got made fun of all the time for being a different color, and one day he was so fed up he called out into the sky, “good witch Glinda, good witch Glinda, please turn me green!” And out of the sky, a little soap bubble floated down to ...

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Swamp Mom

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home. My wife doesnt like me to stay out during late night."

The first guy replies, "Ill help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home....

What do you get when you push a female mathematician into a swamp?

Algae bra

Why is a bad Spanish swamp kind of sweet?

Because it's a marsh malo.

I don't understand people who lives near swamp yet complains about the mosquitoes.

They're not bugs, they are the feature.

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A man got divorced and goes to a swamp to drown himself.

When he’s about to jump, a frog appears and says “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Man tells the frog that his wife left him and took the kids and he wants to kill himself. “Don’t worry, go home and everything will be fine” frog answers. Man comes home to see that his wife and family is back and everything i...

What do you call a swamp-dwelling reptile with a legal degree?

A litigator!

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Turns out, when you drain the swamp...

You are left with nothing, but the shit at the bottom.

I've decided to save money on cat food by getting a bird bath.

Don't @ me. Predators and water go together in nature. Alligators and swamps. Sharks and oceans. Catholic priests and baptism fonts.

A blonde walks into a shop and wants a pair of alligator boots.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.
...

What do you call a woman with no arms and no legs in a swamp?

Marsha.

Why did Donald Trump drain the swamp?

So he could hire what was on the bottom.

Q: What is a large mammal that lives in swamps and shouts obscenities at passers by?

A: The hippopottymouth

Source: friend's kid

What’s it called when too many animals move into Shrek’s swamp?

Ogre-population

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Two guys are hunting in the swamp.

The first guy needs to piss so he whips it out and starts to go when a cottonmouth jumps out and bites him right on the head of his dick.


The second guy runs to a clearing to get cell service and calls a doctor. "Doc, my buddy got bit by a snake! What do I do?" The doc replies, "Put a cu...

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Three construction workers are building a brick wall in the middle of a swamp.

During a break, the first man, Joe, says, "Let's have a brick throwing competition. Whoever can throw his brick the highest wins!"

"That sounds like fun; I'm in!" Replied the second man, Tom.

"But how will we measure who's goes the highest?" inquired Jim, the third man.

"Simple,...

What is it about tall creepy louisiana swamp dwellers that makes them naturally glow?

Their bayou loomin' essence

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A depressed male frog was sitting in a pond feeling sad. He decides to go to a prophet in hopes of knowing his fortune.

The prophet old him, “You will meet a pretty girl that wants to know everything about you.”

Excited, the male frog questions the prophet, “Where will I meet her? In the pond? Perhaps a swamp?”

The prophet continued, “No, you will meet her 2 months later in biology class.”.

A Chicken walked into a Library

The chicken walking into a library, went up to the Librarian, and said "Book book book"

So the librarian gave the chicken 3 books. The chicken left, and came back around 15 minutes later, to return the books, and again, Said "Book book book"

Again, The chicken left for 15 minutes, and ...

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A young blonde woman is working at a shoe store...

...and has been pestering her boss to give her a discount on a pair of designer alligator shoes she's had her eye on since she started.

Unwilling to sell these pricey shoes at a loss, the owner keeps refusing. Finally, one day, the blonde loses her temper and yells: "Fine! You know what? I'll...

Three frogs are arrested for indecent exposure.

So three frogs are arrested and taken to court for indecent exposure. The judge orders the first frog to approach. He asks the frog's name to which the first frog responds "My name is Frog." "Well frog, what do you have to say about these charges brought against you?" "I was in the swamp, blowing bu...

What do you call a reptile lawyer who lives in the swamp?

Alitigator.

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The guy with the giant penis

There once was a man with a 50 centimeter long schlong. He could not find any partners because it was too long. So he went to the Doctor’s office.

«Doctor, please help me! My penis is too long and I want it sportened, is there anything you can do?»

- «No.» said the doctor. «But.. There...

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The Chicken and the Horse (Dirty, Long)

On a farm lived a chicken and a horse, good friends who enjoyed long leisurely walks together.

One day, their walk brought them to a swamp, in which the horse started to sink. "Quickly!" he cried, "run to the farmer's garage, throw a rope into his BMW, drive it over here, tie me to it, and p...

A monster party

To celebrate Halloween, the classic Halloween monsters decided to throw a party. At full swing, some of the monsters decided to have a drink and sit down.

The werewolf said, “I can’t believe everyone came!”

Dracula chuckled and said, “Yes, this is a good party.”

Frankenstein’s m...

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Old one I’ve never seen here before: A guy is over-endowed

His extremely large penis has actually been a curse to him; women see it and refuse to try. Desperate, he hears of a witch who might be able to help him so he visits her and explains his problem.

“Indeed I know of something that could help you” she says, “It’s easy and painless. Behind my ho...

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The story of horse and chicken (long)

Horse and chicken were the best of friends and loved to play together all day on the farm.
one day, while playing near the swamp, horse gets too rambunctious and falls in the swamp up to his neck. Slowly he starts to sink, and as he sinks, he starts yelling to chicken. "chicken! chicken! quick...

It's an old joke, but I said it to my kids and their friends and they went hysterical

A plane carries 500 bricks. 1 falls out. How many bricks are left?
499.

How do you put an elephant in a fridge in 3 steps?
Open the fridge, put in the elephant, and close the fridge.
How do you put a deer in a fridge in 4 steps?
Open the fridge, take out the elephant, put in th...

Pegleg Pete the Pirate decided to retire

He fired his crew, ran his ship aground, and built a small cabin for himself just a short walk from the beach. He enjoyed his quiet life until global warming turned his front yard into a swamp. He couldn't get down to the shore without struggling through muck and mud that was once his peaceful stro...

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So, theres a manliest of the men competition where hundreds of men compete to find out who is the strongest.

The competition consists of three stages first being a pit that leads into a sea where hungry sharks are everywhere. After that there is a mossy swamp filled with alligators. Finally a jungle where tons upon tons of lions are. After a day goes by and no one is able to complete this competition the a...

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A man decided to commit suicide.

His life was worsening as days passed, as well as his emotional state. Underpayed job, failed relationship, no friends, and the only thing keeping him from suicide was his dog, who fell extremely ill and vets confirmed that they cant cure it. The man goes to a swamp, and decides to drown himself, as...

I have a mangrove joke....

But I'm too swamped to share it.

Retired British Army Officers

“Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”


“I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”


“I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village and armed with my rifle we set out...

A bog, a marsh, and fen go into a bar. The bartender says

Wow, I'm swamped.

An engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes up to the Pearly Gates where St. Peter greets him. "Come in, come in." says Peter, "We can always use another engineer." But the engineer is not so sure he wants to go to Heaven. He is a builder and a doer and is afraid he will be bored. So he asks if he can have a look at ...

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A frog goes to a fortune teller.

She says,” You will meet a beautiful girl next week who will want to know intimate things about you.”
“That’s great!” Says the frog,” Where do I meet her? The swamp? The pond?”
The fortune teller gazes into her ball,” Her biology class.”

The Man Who Knows Where Everyone Is From

There were a bunch of tough dudes hanging out in a bar. One of them started bragging that he could tell where anyone was from just by looking at them.

One burly dude stepped up and asked “Where am I from, then?” The guy looked at the burly dude and concluded he was from California. He was ri...

Turns out Trump just got confused

He made the swamp great again and drained America.

What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, ...

and floating in a bathtub? >!Bob!<

and sitting outside your front door? >!Mat!<

and hanging on your wall? >!Art!<

and lives in a swamp? >!Pete!<

and sitting in hole? >!Doug!<

and wanted for theft? >!Rob!<

and fully functio...

The news out of Washington has me feeling like Shrek.

I miss the good old days when all we had was a swamp.

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A man is born with a 26 inch penis

His penis is so long that no women is willing to be with him and he becomes light headed whenever he gets an erection.
Frustrated by this, he decides to seek the help of a with who lives in the swamp. He says to her "witch my penis two feet long, women fear it and I pass out whenever I become ar...

On the eve of Joe Biden's inauguration, prominent members of the previous Democrat administrations have a Zoom call to toast the end of the Trump presidency.

Among other topics, conversation turns to Amazon and Google's targeted marketing and the methods they employ. To lighten the mood, Bill Clinton suggests that he and his former vice-president have an impromptu jam session for everyone on saxophone and bongos respectively, something they secretly did ...

hurricane

A hurricane blew across the Caribbean. It didn't take long for the expensive yacht to be swamped by high waves, sinking without a trace. There were only two survivors: the boat's owner, Dr. Smythe and the steward, Marcus who managed to swim to the closest island. After reaching the deserted strip of...

With all these Politicians testing Positive for COVID-19...

It looks like Trump kept his promise to drain the swamp.

Carry A Flashlight

A tourist was being led through the swamps of Florida.

"Is it true," the tourist asked, "that an alligator won't attack you if you carry a flashlight?"

"That depends," replied the guide, "on how fast you carry the flashlight."

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A Man and His Problem

A man had an extraordinary problem. He had a 15 inch penis. Naturally, it caused him great inconvenience in his daily life, so he wished to shorten his penis. He went to many a doctor, but they all confessed that it was beyond them to fix him. Having lost all hope, as a last resort he visited a wit...

Celebs at the Pearly Gates

Queen Elizabeth II and Dolly Parton are standing at the pearly gates when St. Peter approaches and greets them.

He says "Greetings! It's not often that we have such women of notoriety join us at the same time! However we're swamped today and can only let one of you through, so you're going to...

The chicken in the library

There is this librarian working his early morning shift one day. He's minding his own business at the front desk when suddenly a chicken walks through the front door

Puzzled the librarian waits and the chicken walks to the front desk

"Ba book" says the chicken.
"You want a book? Her...

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Two Army Rangers are on vacation in New Orleans....

when they both get the idea to catch an alligator, skin it and get shoes made out of its carcass.

They go to an outfitter to get a boat and all the gear they’ll need, and during the conversation they mention they are army. The outfitter tells them that two Marines with the exact same idea pas...

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what the doctor says....

Bubba and Jimbob are in the swamp fishing when they scare a snake which bites Bubba on the tip of his penis.

Jimbob quickly calls his dr to see what to do. The dr tells Jimbob to lance the bite and suck out the venom. he goes back to Bubba with a worried look on his face...

Bubba asks ...

So a rich Blonde is...

Flying over the Everglades when her private jet has a malfunction and crashes.

Having survived the crash she graps her designer bag, puts on her $1000 shoes and stumbles over to the exit where the captain is opening the door.

taking one look over the wild swamp outside she first looks...

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Kim Yong Il, Stalin and Hitler have their personal hell...

...which consists of a swamp that will let you sink deeper the more lies you spread during your time as a leader.

Kim Yong Il is buried till his waist.

Stalin is buried till his chest.

Hitler is standing upright above them all, barely sunken in till his ankles with a big grin on...

A frog walked into a bank

..and sat down at the desk of a loan officer. She was a friendly-looking young woman with a name tag that said Patricia Whack.

"I'm looking to take out a personal loan of $5000," the frog said.

The loan officer stared at him skeptically. "Do you have anything to offer as collateral?"...

How to tell what part of Washington you're in: Forest is west, desert is east...

Swamp is DC.

Nurse: "Doctor, there's a man that said that he thinks he turned invisible!"

Doctor: "Well I'm swamped right now, so tell him, unfortunately, I can't see him"

A blonde was on vacation in Louisiana with her boyfriend

She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn't want to pay a fortune for them. So she headed out to the swamp, determined to catch herself an alligator. Her boyfriend stayed at the hotel.
Later that day, she stood waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. She he...

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Kermit the frog walks into a bank...

He wants to get a loan and so he speaks to the bank’s loan officer, Mr. Paddywack. Mr. Paddywack asks Kermit how much money he wants to borrow and what is the purpose of the loan. Kermit replies that he needs $5,000 to fix up his lilly pad and to do some other swamp maintenance. Mr. Paddywack is int...

r/Jokes is looking for a new Mod

We are getting little swamped with the queues and our lives, we could really use the help of a qualified individual.

Up-mods and down-mods don't matter in this thread, so don't try to push your app to the top.

Requirements:

* **An Active User** Being a Mod is hard work and will...

The job interview

Boss: There are 900 bricks on an airplane. If you drop 1 outside, how many are left?

Employee : That's easy, 899.

Boss : What are the 3 steps to put an elephant into a fridge?

Employee : Open the fridge. Put the elephant in. Close the fridge.

Boss : What are the four step...

Tonto & the Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger says to Tonto,
" I'm gonna stop & have a tinkle behind this bush "

The Lone Ranger Screams
" AHHH Tonto come here quickly"

Tonto goes over & see that The lone ranger has been bitten by a Snake....
Tonto says "Don't panic , I know a Witch doctor who l...

Brick

- An airplane had 100 bricks in it. One brick falls out. How many are left?
- 99, of course.

- What are the three steps to put an elephant in the fridge?
1. Open the door.
2. Put the elephant in.
3. Close the door.

- What are the three steps to put a horse in th...

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Blonde Logic Highlights

Blonde Logic

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..."duh"...bottles won't fit in typewriter!

March - Got excited...finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months...box said "2-4 years!"

Apr...

A massive hailstorm ravages a town...

...leaving plenty of damage in its wake. A blonde takes her hailstone-dented car to a body shop to have the dents removed.

The body shop owner is already swamped with work due to the storm, and decides to have some fun with her. He tells the blonde: "You know, you don't have to pay me to hav...

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