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A farmer has successfully grown dildos in his field

But now he’s having trouble with squatters

An FBI agent tells a Montana Rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The old rancher says, "Ok, but don't go into that field over there."

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

My elderly neighbor has grown children.

In her backyard, quite impressive.

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A DEA Agent went to a farm to search for illegally grown drugs

When he arrived he told the farmer, “I am going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

The farmer replied, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there."

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I ca...

My kids love Life cereal. I told them there's a grown-up version called That's Just Life

Each box of it is expensive, mostly empty & doesn't taste very good.

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”


Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

A grown man called me autistic today.

Never talking to my psychiatrist again.

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

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What do you call a grown man that hate jews

Adult Hitler

Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, Comrade Stalin!" replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah," said the farmer, "as there are no potatoes."

Scientists have a grown a pair of vocal cords in a laboratory.....

The results speak for themselves..

It sucks being a grown up.

Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

I never understood how a grown man could cry at his own wedding.

That was until my father in law prodded me with his shotgun.

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Did you know: Blue whales have vaginas that can fit up to 5-6 grown men...

which makes them the 2nd biggest pussies in the world right after France in WWII

I just taught my grown son how to walk

It was a huge weight of my shoulder

I overheard a grown man call a trebuchet a catapult. I got really angry with him at first, but I learned something.

He weighed exactly 90kg.

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One day, a teacher decided she wanted to have her first graders use "grown-up" words.

Teacher: "Ok class, what did you do this weekend?"

Lisa: "I saw a choo-choo!"

Teacher: "No Lisa, you saw a train. Remember, we're using grown-up words! What about you, Johnny?

Johnny: "I read a book!"

Teacher: "Really? What book did you read?"

Johnny: "Winnie the s...

"Wanna hear a really good joke about half-grown bananas?"

"Nevermind, now's not the ripe time!" 😉

I made this myself, instead of sleeping at night.

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Two little kids, jimmy and bobby, decide they are grown up enough to start using curse words.

“Know what Bobby?”

“What?“ says Bobby

“I think we are big kids now, lets start saying some naughty words, just like grown ups do. Ill start. Fuck” Johnny says

“Woah! Thats crazy you said the F word” Bobby says in awe

Johnny proceeds to tell him his plan.

“We are go...

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

How do you know that you have grown up?

You are walking in the road and the priests don't even see you

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String to the penis

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches long.

Later...

A man shows up at a doctors office with the frog that has grown out of the top of his head

"Can you explain to me when all of this started and how it all developed?" asks the doctor.

"Well, let me tell you, it all started as a small pimple on my ass..." says the frog

A husband and wife have grown old together.

He comes home to see his wife naked, standing on her hands.

He asks why shes in such a position

She responds "Well, we both know you can't get it up anymore, how about you try dropping it in."

Did you know: If you lay out a grown human's intestines end to end,

They'll die.

Having grown up in a small secluded area of Key West, I met a new friend who just moved here from New York.

Quite the change from all the hustle & bustle of city life for him. I was excited to hear all about his life there over dinner with his parents in town visiting.

He exclaims: “Stores are massive, and the restaurants are fantastic!”
Then he said; “I went to a lot of topless bars! Grea...

I bought a Money Tree five years ago and the damn thing hasn't grown a single dollar!

I must've bought a "lemon tree."

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Grown-Up Words

It was Monday morning in Ms. Green's kindergarten class, and the children were taking turns telling the class how they spent their weekend.

Adam raised his hand and said, "I went on a choo-choo!"

Ms. Green replied, "Very nice Adam, but let's try to use grown-up words. You went on a *t...

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Grown-up words.

A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.

>"Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."

So Jamie excitedly s...

A young child says to his mother...

"Mom, when I'm a grown-up I want to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't be both."

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So an old lady walks in to her grown daughter's bedroom...

...and she catches her daughter in the middle of a frenzied masturbation session with her vibrator.

"Oh my God," exclaims the old lady, "What are you doing?"

"Ma," says the daughter, "I'm 39 years old, I'm never gonna get married, *this* is my husband!"

The old lady turns and ru...

What do you call a hillbilly after he is all grown up?

A mountain goat of course!

How did Medusa know she’d grown into a woman?

She grew bush vipers

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A woman bodybuilder goes to the doctor and says "I've taken that many steroids I've grown a penis"

Doctor says "anabolic?"

Bodybuilder replies "no just a penis"

In Germany the grown ups are kind...

...but the children are kinder.

Little Johnny told his parent "I'm a grown up now, I am ready to live by myself"

His parent, being very proud of their son, said "Well that's great! We have no reason to stop you"

To which he replied "Awesome! Your luggage is at the front door"

What happens when you cross a grown kitten, a donkey, and a champion?

A cat-ass-trophy.

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How to be a grown up at work?

Always smile and replace "fuck you" with "OK great"

Heroin use among horses have grown

But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.

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What does Spinach and Anal have in common?

If you’re forced to have it as a child you’ll hate it as a grown up.

What do you call a manager that hasn't grown up yet?

A kidager

I've grown an interest with Mussolini's Italy.

I guess you can call it a fascistnation.

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We had a proper, serious, grown-up discussion about pornography recently,

and my girlfriend said, "I don't get porn. Why would I want to watch to people have sex?"

I said, "Two? People?"

Sam 'n' Eric decide to be more grown up by cursing...

Their mother wakes them for breakfast, and asks them what they want to eat.
Sam says "Aw, hell, gimme some Cheerios."
Furious, his mother backhands him across the kitchen, turns to Eric and asks "What do *you* want to eat?"
Eric stammers "I-I-I dunno, but it sure ain't gonna be n...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

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"Fucking hell, I've only been in prison a short while and look how much my grass has grown.

"Stop dicking around, Oscar, put your legs back on."

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What do you call a potted cactus that has grown in the shape of a penis?

A dildon't

I've grown bored of reality,

So I started watching cable news.

"My goodness, you've grown a foot since I last saw you..."

...said the doctor in Chernobyl.

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A man goes to the doctor with abdominal and lower back pains (long)

**Man**: "Doctor, for quite some time I've been having pains in the abdomen, groin and lower back. And they are getting worse."

**After some blood and urine tests and a general check the doctor answers**: "I find no problems, it could be a muscle issue." He prescribes medication and let's the...

Baby head

A man and his wife have their first baby, and it’s a boy. However, the baby is just the head. Perfectly healthy, but only a head nonetheless.

The man raises his child as normally as possible, and when the child turns 21, he takes him to a bar to celebrate.

He orders a beer for himsel...

Three guys die and go to The Gates.

Since they're three grown up men, St Peter asks them what they want their families to say at their wakes.

First guy : I want them to say that I was a great surgeon, one of the best. That I was a loving father, and that I will be missed.

Second guy : Well, I want them to every good memo...

Fred's mother knit him three socks when he was in the army

because Fred wrote he had grown another foot.

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

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My friend called me a grown ass man the other day...

... unfortunately I had to correct him, I'm more of a boob guy.

A potato had 3 daughters

When they were all grown up, the first one came to her father and said “daddy, daddy, I’m going to get married!”

Father potato asked to whom?

“To an Idaho potato!” Said the first daughter potato.

Father potato said “Idaho potatoes are very hearty and good lineage. He will be a g...

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3 guys are lost in the woods

They've been walking for a couple days with no food left and no water to drink. The 3 men are persistent in their search for some help and hike day and night until until they come across a small cabin in the woods. They see smoke drifting from chimney and what looks like a candle burning in the wind...

When I die, I want an almond tree seed to be planted with my body ...

and several years from then, when that tree is full grown, you can all eat my nuts.

I was really not of fan of body hair.

It's grown on me, though.

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Doctor can you cure my insomnia?

“Of course, we just have to get rid of the root cause!”

“Won’t be easy, the wife’s grown quite fond of that fucking baby”

I wasn't sure about my mustache at first

But it's grown on me

The Tale Of The Faithful Man And The Rescue Boat

Once there was a boat sailing not too far from the shore of a town, when it capsized.

A rescue boat was sent out imediatly, but there was only room on board for half of the survivors. The coastguards descided to fill the boat up and then come back after for the remaining passengers, so they g...

Two troublesome boys

So these two kids are just the worst. They're 8 and 6, and they get into trouble every day. Kicking cats, firecrackers in mailboxes, the works. If something is broken or missing in their neighborhood, it's these kids' fault.

Their parents are at their wits end; they've tried grounding th...

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A man wins a lifetime supply of carrots,

After learning about this fortunate occurence, he celebrated and patiently awaited the arrival of the tasty product.

A few days later, he heard knocking at his door and investigated. A delivery man offered him 12 bags of carrots, congratulated him on his winnings, and left.

This contin...

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There was this guy at a bar looking at his drink but not drinking. He stayed like this for half an hour. A few minutes later, a big built truck driver walks in and sits next to him and takes the drink from the guy & gulps it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver perplexed asks the guy, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a grown ass man cry."

"No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears.

"Today is the worst day of my life.

...

An argument developed between the forest animals

It was over a small sapling that had grown between two large trees. One side argued that it was a son of a beech, the other thought it was the son of a birch.

They asked the woodpecker to decide the matter, since he was the expert on trees. He flew down to the sapling, took a sample and ret...

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A father was about to tell his ten year old son about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know”, said the son.

“Why?” said the father.

“Because when I was seven you told me there was no tooth fairy, when I was eight you told me there was no Easter bunny and when I was nine you told me there was no Santa Claus. If you’re about to tell me grown ups don’t actu...

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Still can't get it..

I'm Albanian and I moved to the US in 1996. My absolute favorite fruits are peaches.

The way it's pronounced, peach in Albanian means pussy. Which sucks because as a teenager there was no way I'd be asking for some damn pussy around the house..

Got over that language issue... But now...

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A long time ago, every village used to have its own scribe.

The scribes were the only people who knew how to read and write, and were enormously respected. They were considered the heads of each village, and helped out in the daily governing.

Well, the scribe of one of the villages had grown quite old, and was too tired to help every day. He got him...

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One day while at the farmers market a man came upon a cart with a sign that read “Magic Apples”

He asked the farmer what could possibly be magic about apples. The farmer handed him a fruit and said try it. After taking a bite the man said to the farmer, “It’s a fine apple, but still just an apple.” To which the farmer replied “Turn it over”. The man turned the apple over, took another bite, an...

John walks into a bar and sees a strange man in the corner.

This man in the corner was no ordinary man, as this man had a giant orange head. John walks to the bartender and says "Hey, what's up with the guy in the corner with the big orange head?" The bartender replies, "If you buy him a drink, he'll tell you his story." John was very interested in this man,...

The saudi king was walking in the streets, dressed as a commoner to check up on his subjects

He found a destitute man, whose toes were coming out of his shoes.

The king was surprised by what he saw, and walked to the man and asked ''why are your toes coming out of your shoes?''

The man replied '' my feet have out grown my shoes, and i don't have any money to buy a new pair.''...

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Bunga Bunga

Three men were exploring a large uncharted island. While hiking through the thick forest they were ambushed at spear-point by a tribe of large aboriginal men. The tribesmen tied their hands behind their backs and marched them through the forest to a small village, busy with working men, and gorgeous...