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Grown Jokes

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A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

What’s wrong with grown adults that regularly mess up they’re/there/their?

Their stupid

My mate just watched the Chernobyl documentary and, having grown up in Ukraine in the 1980s, he was pretty mad.

And I get it, too. He counted at least eight historical inaccuracies on one hand.

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Grown-up words.

A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.

>"Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."

So Jamie excitedly s...

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to inspect your ranch for illegal grown drugs.' The old rancher says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge. The officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

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A girl realizes that she has grown hair between her legs

She gets worried and asks her mom about that hair. Her mom calmly says, "That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair." The girl smiled. At dinner, she tells her sister, "My monkey has grown hair." Her sister smiles and says, "That’s nothing; min...

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Grown-up words

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
“You need to use 'grownup' words," she'd always remind them.
She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana...

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Jack and Jill have grown up.

They've graduated from college, and got a job at the same company. One day, while going through the books and after much deliberation, their boss decides he must lay off one employee. Jack and Jill are the most recent hires, so it must be one of them. The problem is he hired them at the same time, a...

Apparently, the FDA is okay with lab-grown meat

Poodle-grown meat, however, is still off the menu.

Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

For the first time in history, a US president haven't grown old, gray haired and tired by the stressful tasks of his presidency ...

... Instead everyone else did.

A man finds a full grown gorilla in a tree.

Man comes home from work to find a big ole gorilla in a tree in his front yard. Thinking he's gonna need some help with this, he looks up gorilla removal services in the yellow pages. He finds Dave and Rosco's full time gorilla removal and calls them up.

Dave says he and Rosco will rush right...

What is house arrest for grown-ups?

"Your package will be delivered tomorrow between 9AM and 5PM."

My daughter felt really grown up watching Turning Red.

It was her first period film.

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what do you call a grown woman with a Lego obsession?

Legolass. And beautiful if you still want to be married.

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One day, a teacher decided she wanted to have her first graders use "grown-up" words.

Teacher: "Ok class, what did you do this weekend?"

Lisa: "I saw a choo-choo!"

Teacher: "No Lisa, you saw a train. Remember, we're using grown-up words! What about you, Johnny?

Johnny: "I read a book!"

Teacher: "Really? What book did you read?"

Johnny: "Winnie the s...

Heroin use among horses have grown

But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.

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NSFW. I’ve successfully grown a field of dildos,

Now I have a problem with squatters..

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

It sucks being a grown up.

Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

I've grown my own weed

I named the strain Malaysan Airlines because once take off, you're gone

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

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Grown-Up Words

It was Monday morning in Ms. Green's kindergarten class, and the children were taking turns telling the class how they spent their weekend.

Adam raised his hand and said, "I went on a choo-choo!"

Ms. Green replied, "Very nice Adam, but let's try to use grown-up words. You went on a *t...

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[NSFW] A teenager goes to confession.

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned," he says. "I have been masturbating."

"Ah, my son, this is not uncommon. But you must save that for marriage. Your penance is to say a decade of the rosary," says the priest.

Many years later, the teenager, now a grown man, goes back to confession w...

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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my...

An older woman, well past child-bearing years went to a walk-in clinic where she was seen by a young, new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the exam room, the doctor told her she was pregnant. She burst out the door, screaming as she ran down the hall.

An older doctor stopped her and asked her what the problem was, and she told him what had happened.
After hearing her out, he sat her down in another exam room and marched back to where the first doctor was and demanded, “what is the matter with you? That lady is over 60 years old, has four grown...

If you think Lab Grown Meat sounds bad, ...

You should try Pit-bull Grown Meat.

(Mine had sticks and cat-litter in it.)

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My breasts haven’t grown much since I decided to transition

I guess that’s what I get for cutting out all of my trans fat

Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, Comrade Stalin!" replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah," said the farmer, "as there are no potatoes."

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(NSFW) I left my wife after I found out she had suddenly grown a penis.

I guess she pegged me as being more open to these things.

"Hey, Ryo, it's been a while! How have you been? Wow, you've really changed your look. I'm surprised you dyed your hair blonde! And it looks like you've grown taller too, haven't you?"

"Huh? But I'm not Ryo..."

"What!? Your name changed too?"

Lab grown pigs

You grow 2 pig embryos in seperate Petri dishes. You add a nutrient mixture with a sip of wine to 1 dish and add nothing to to the other
What do you call the pig embryo in the second, empty Petri dish?



-*An uncultured swine*.

What does a former head of the Vatican have in common with a fruit grown in Mexico?

They're both Pope Pius/papayas!

A grown man called me autistic today.

Never talking to my psychiatrist again.

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

What do you call potatoes grown in a cellar?

Pommes Fritzl

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What do you call a grown man that hate jews

Adult Hitler

I've grown an interest with Mussolini's Italy.

I guess you can call it a fascistnation.

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Did you know: Blue whales have vaginas that can fit up to 5-6 grown men...

which makes them the 2nd biggest pussies in the world right after France in WWII

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A teacher and her class of kindergarteners learn about grown-up words

A teacher is teaching her class of kindergarteners how to use grown-up expressions.

She points to little Sally and asks, "Sally, what did you do this weekend."

Sally tilted her head and said, "I went on a choo choo!"

"Marvelous, dear," said the teacher, "But next time, try 'I ro...

I never understood how a grown man could cry at his own wedding.

That was until my father in law prodded me with his shotgun.

I just taught my grown son how to walk

It was a huge weight of my shoulder

A husband and wife have grown old together.

He comes home to see his wife naked, standing on her hands.

He asks why shes in such a position

She responds "Well, we both know you can't get it up anymore, how about you try dropping it in."

How do you know that you have grown up?

You are walking in the road and the priests don't even see you

I've grown bored of reality,

So I started watching cable news.

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How to be a grown up at work?

Always smile and replace "fuck you" with "OK great"

[NSFW] A nurse was dating a Doctor and got pregnant...

The married doctor begged her to keep it a secret and asked her to keep away from public eye.

Nine months later,she came to the hospital for delivery.

At the same moment, a priest was admitted for having a large cyst in his prostate gland .

The doctor had an idea. He sedates the...

In Germany the grown ups are kind...

...but the children are kinder.

As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.

Because I try to be honest with myself, for Christmas I got my mom a book called "But, I'm Still Your Mom: How to Deal With Your Disappointing Grown Children"

Amazon says it should be here by the 29th.

A Saudi Prince wants to buy a bull, so he goes to see a famous Russian bovine breeder.

The Russian tells him "I have many good animal. Here is Swedish bull, is born black color, but color turns white when grows.”

"Over there is American bull. Color when born is red, but become dark brown when full grown.”

"And here, Turkish bull. They is born dark brown, but grow up to b...

I was just telling my friend Michael Rains about my unfortunate allergy to my own grown barley

My grains give me migraines, Mike Rains

A husband had grown tired of his marriage but couldn't think of a proper way to tell his wife.

One day, while his wife was at work, he came up with an idea. That evening, when the wife returned home, the husband greeted her and said, "Honey, i think i might be schizophrenic." Confused, the wife asked, "Well how do you know?" To which the husband replied, "Well, honey, I'm seeing other people....

An odd joke

Once there was a guy whose parents named him Odd. All through school, Odd was made fun of for his odd name. Eventually, as an grown man, he found a beautiful woman to marry and raise a family with. During a summer day in their 70s, Odd told his wife as they sat in the living room that he had never l...

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LEGO bricks are like boobs...

...They're designed for kids, but it's the grown-ups who have more fun with them. Oh, and it hurts when someone steps on them.

My niece Sarah is obsessed with Frozen

My wife just said to me, "Sarah is a grown woman now. It's time for her to... let it go."

True story from 5 minutes ago. I laughed. Wanted to share it.

Did you know: If you lay out a grown human's intestines end to end,

They'll die.

What do you call a hillbilly after he is all grown up?

A mountain goat of course!

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So an old lady walks in to her grown daughter's bedroom...

...and she catches her daughter in the middle of a frenzied masturbation session with her vibrator.

"Oh my God," exclaims the old lady, "What are you doing?"

"Ma," says the daughter, "I'm 39 years old, I'm never gonna get married, *this* is my husband!"

The old lady turns and ru...

My kids love Life cereal. I told them there's a grown-up version called That's Just Life

Each box of it is expensive, mostly empty & doesn't taste very good.

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We had a proper, serious, grown-up discussion about pornography recently,

and my girlfriend said, "I don't get porn. Why would I want to watch to people have sex?"

I said, "Two? People?"

What happens when you cross a grown kitten, a donkey, and a champion?

A cat-ass-trophy.

Sam 'n' Eric decide to be more grown up by cursing...

Their mother wakes them for breakfast, and asks them what they want to eat.
Sam says "Aw, hell, gimme some Cheerios."
Furious, his mother backhands him across the kitchen, turns to Eric and asks "What do *you* want to eat?"
Eric stammers "I-I-I dunno, but it sure ain't gonna be n...

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I don't know why Epstein had to chase after young girls. I'm sure grown women were impressed by his dick size.

After all, he was hung.

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Three year old and five year old little brothers talking about how they can feel grown up....

The oldest boy says, “I know, we’ll say cuss words.”

First, 3 year old says “I know what I’ll do—I’ll say ‘fuckin’.”

The eldest responds, “I know what I’ll say. You bet your sweet ass.”

They go down stairs for breakfast, and the bright eyed mother says “what do my sweet little b...

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

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It is impossible for a human to pass another full grown human through the anal cavity...

I shit you not ... literally

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A city guy decides to pursue his dream to be a lumberjack

So he moves to a remote logging town in the northern woods. It's just 40 men in this little community, hundreds of miles from the nearest town of any size, and he wonders how they manage their "loneliness," if you know what I mean.

One evening in the spring, after the day's work has ended, a ...

"My goodness, you've grown a foot since I last saw you..."

...said the doctor in Chernobyl.

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My friend called me a grown ass man the other day...

... unfortunately I had to correct him, I'm more of a boob guy.

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An old man is caught checking out a lady

Lady: (disgusted) You're a grown-ass man

Oldster: Correction. I'm a grown ass-man

I bought a Money Tree five years ago and the damn thing hasn't grown a single dollar!

I must've bought a "lemon tree."

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A woman bodybuilder goes to the doctor and says "I've taken that many steroids I've grown a penis"

Doctor says "anabolic?"

Bodybuilder replies "no just a penis"

Little Johnny told his parent "I'm a grown up now, I am ready to live by myself"

His parent, being very proud of their son, said "Well that's great! We have no reason to stop you"

To which he replied "Awesome! Your luggage is at the front door"

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String to the penis

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches long.

Later...

Kids these days are way more grown up at an early age then when I was a kid. What we need is a way to...

Youthenize them.

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Superman vs the invisible man

Superman is super horny, in need of a ride he phones super girl and asks if he can come round for some sex.

She turns him down and says she’s busy.

Superman sad and rejected decides to go for a flight and passes super girls apartment.

Super girl is lying in bed legs spread moan...

I submit to you, the only joke I have ever heard my father tell.

There are two trees in the forest; one a birch, one a beech. They have grown up together from saplings to fully grown trees. They always had a healthy rivalry going, arguing about everything from the weather to the composition of the soil. In their older years a little sapling started to sprout betw...

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