My niece Sarah is obsessed with Frozen

My wife just said to me, "Sarah is a grown woman now. It's time for her to... let it go."

True story from 5 minutes ago. I laughed. Wanted to share it.

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DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday. “We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

....I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can ...

With all of the shows such as Black-ish, Mixed-ish, and Grown-ish, TV executives have announced a new show about the people of an island in the North Atlantic.

They are going to call it Ir-ish.

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I don't know why Epstein had to chase after young girls. I'm sure grown women were impressed by his dick size.

After all, he was hung.

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Three year old and five year old little brothers talking about how they can feel grown up....

The oldest boy says, “I know, we’ll say cuss words.”

First, 3 year old says “I know what I’ll do—I’ll say ‘fuckin’.”

The eldest responds, “I know what I’ll say. You bet your sweet ass.”

They go down stairs for breakfast, and the bright eyed mother says “what do my sweet little b...

A guy walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket an...

Stalin approaches a farmer and asks: "Comrade, how many potatoes have we grown this season?"

"Enough to reach God, Comrade Stalin!" replied the farmer.

"But there is no God" said Stalin

"Ah," said the farmer, "as there are no potatoes."

A girl realized that she had grown hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about that hair

Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called Monkey, be proud that your monkey has grown hair.” the girl smiled.

At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”


Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing, mine is already eating bananas.”

Scientists have grown human vocal cords in a Petri dish

The results speak for themselves.

As i’ve grown older, I realised the number of people i’ve lost along the way have increased.

Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t suited tor me.

An FBI agent tells a Montana rancher, 'I need to search your ranch for illegally grown drugs.' The rancher replies, 'Okay, but don't go into the field over there.'

The agent verbally explodes saying, 'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me.' Reaching into his rear pant pocket and removing his badge, the officer proudly displays it to the farmer. 'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questi...

My kids love Life cereal. I told them there's a grown-up version called That's Just Life

Each box of it is expensive, mostly empty & doesn't taste very good.

A grown man called me autistic today.

Never talking to my psychiatrist again.

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What do you call a grown man that hate jews

Adult Hitler

It sucks being a grown up.

Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

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Did you know: Blue whales have vaginas that can fit up to 5-6 grown men...

which makes them the 2nd biggest pussies in the world right after France in WWII

My elderly neighbor has grown children.

In her backyard, quite impressive.

I never understood how a grown man could cry at his own wedding.

That was until my father in law prodded me with his shotgun.

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It is impossible for a human to pass another full grown human through the anal cavity...

I shit you not ... literally

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One day, a teacher decided she wanted to have her first graders use "grown-up" words.

Teacher: "Ok class, what did you do this weekend?"

Lisa: "I saw a choo-choo!"

Teacher: "No Lisa, you saw a train. Remember, we're using grown-up words! What about you, Johnny?

Johnny: "I read a book!"

Teacher: "Really? What book did you read?"

Johnny: "Winnie the s...

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NSFW. I’ve successfully grown a field of dildos,

Now I have a problem with squatters..

I just taught my grown son how to walk

It was a huge weight of my shoulder

"Wanna hear a really good joke about half-grown bananas?"

"Nevermind, now's not the ripe time!" 😉

I made this myself, instead of sleeping at night.

You know, I was a little skeptical when they tied me up and spun me around very fast, but I think it’s grown on me.

I’m a fan.

How do you know that you have grown up?

You are walking in the road and the priests don't even see you

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String to the penis

A couple was watching a documentary about an African tribe. They learned that when each male member of this particular tribe reaches a certain age, he has a string with a weight attached to it tied around his penis. After a while the weight stretches the penis until it's 20 inches long.

Later...

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

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Grown-Up Words

It was Monday morning in Ms. Green's kindergarten class, and the children were taking turns telling the class how they spent their weekend.

Adam raised his hand and said, "I went on a choo-choo!"

Ms. Green replied, "Very nice Adam, but let's try to use grown-up words. You went on a *t...

A man shows up at a doctors office with the frog that has grown out of the top of his head

"Can you explain to me when all of this started and how it all developed?" asks the doctor.

"Well, let me tell you, it all started as a small pimple on my ass..." says the frog

A man wakes up one morning to find that he's grown a thick beard and is wearing a turban....

He, being very concerned and disoriented, calls his boss in order to see if he can get the day off.

Man: "Boss, I just woke up with a turban and a long, thick beard. I think I need a day to figure things out."

Boss: " So what are you saying....?"

Man: "I'm calling in Sikh."

Having grown up in a small secluded area of Key West, I met a new friend who just moved here from New York.

Quite the change from all the hustle & bustle of city life for him. I was excited to hear all about his life there over dinner with his parents in town visiting.

He exclaims: “Stores are massive, and the restaurants are fantastic!”
Then he said; “I went to a lot of topless bars! Grea...

Did you know: If you lay out a grown human's intestines end to end,

They'll die.

A husband and wife have grown old together.

He comes home to see his wife naked, standing on her hands.

He asks why shes in such a position

She responds "Well, we both know you can't get it up anymore, how about you try dropping it in."

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Grown-up words.

A primary one teacher was speaking to her class on the first day of term.

>"Alright class, I'd like everyone to tell me what they did over the summer holiday. Remember, you're not at nursery any more, so you need to use grown-up words now. Jamie, you go first."

So Jamie excitedly s...

A young child says to his mother...

"Mom, when I'm a grown-up I want to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't be both."

How did Medusa know she’d grown into a woman?

She grew bush vipers

I bought a Money Tree five years ago and the damn thing hasn't grown a single dollar!

I must've bought a "lemon tree."

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So an old lady walks in to her grown daughter's bedroom...

...and she catches her daughter in the middle of a frenzied masturbation session with her vibrator.

"Oh my God," exclaims the old lady, "What are you doing?"

"Ma," says the daughter, "I'm 39 years old, I'm never gonna get married, *this* is my husband!"

The old lady turns and ru...

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A woman bodybuilder goes to the doctor and says "I've taken that many steroids I've grown a penis"

Doctor says "anabolic?"

Bodybuilder replies "no just a penis"

Little Johnny told his parent "I'm a grown up now, I am ready to live by myself"

His parent, being very proud of their son, said "Well that's great! We have no reason to stop you"

To which he replied "Awesome! Your luggage is at the front door"

What happens when you cross a grown kitten, a donkey, and a champion?

A cat-ass-trophy.

Heroin use among horses have grown

But finding the evidence is like finding a needle in a haystack.

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How to be a grown up at work?

Always smile and replace "fuck you" with "OK great"

In Germany the grown ups are kind...

...but the children are kinder.

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As it's my 5th birthday, mommy, will you tell me the story of where I came from?

*The mom replied:* Hmmm, OK sure, how can I explain... well you see sweety, mommy and daddy love each other very much, so one beautiful spring morning mommy told daddy she had a seed, a tiny little seed, and I thought we should grow that little seed into something special.
That night daddy fert...

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We had a proper, serious, grown-up discussion about pornography recently,

and my girlfriend said, "I don't get porn. Why would I want to watch to people have sex?"

I said, "Two? People?"

I've grown bored of reality,

So I started watching cable news.

Sam 'n' Eric decide to be more grown up by cursing...

Their mother wakes them for breakfast, and asks them what they want to eat.
Sam says "Aw, hell, gimme some Cheerios."
Furious, his mother backhands him across the kitchen, turns to Eric and asks "What do *you* want to eat?"
Eric stammers "I-I-I dunno, but it sure ain't gonna be n...

When Uncle Charlie died of old age, Bill was bequeathed his uncle's prized Amazon parrot...

This parrot was fully grown -- with a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the very least, extremely rude.

Bill tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft musi...

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What do you call a potted cactus that has grown in the shape of a penis?

A dildon't

I've grown an interest with Mussolini's Italy.

I guess you can call it a fascistnation.

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"Fucking hell, I've only been in prison a short while and look how much my grass has grown.

"Stop dicking around, Oscar, put your legs back on."

"My goodness, you've grown a foot since I last saw you..."

...said the doctor in Chernobyl.

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My friend called me a grown ass man the other day...

... unfortunately I had to correct him, I'm more of a boob guy.

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A man invents a device that makes food come to life

He's been working on this project for years, his family, those he trusted enough to tell, never believed in him. "Now they'll see" he thought. His device was ready and he got out a small piece of ham from the refrigerator and placed it into the containment chamber. He crossed his fingers and pushed ...

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A student asks his history teacher...

A student asks his history teacher, "What is the practical use of history in real life??"

She replies, "You'll find out soon."

Twenty years later, the boy, now a grown man, was walking down the street thinking-"I work in an MNC, and never used history. My teacher was wrong..."

S...

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A young woman walks into a confessional

A beautiful young woman walks into a confessional, "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned, I made wild passionate love to a man after he told me I was special, and beautiful and the only one in the world for him"


The priest tsks, but remembering the follies of youth, lets her off easy "...

The bar on the cliff

A man is on a walk by the coast in terrible weather, and ducks into a bar that is situated at the top of a cliff overlooking the sea to escape the rain and the wind.

He sits at the bar and orders a whiskey, and strikes up a conversation with an old man at the bar. The men talk for a couple o...

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A grandson and his grandfather go fishing when the grandson asks his grandpa for a beer....

“Well can your pecker touch your butt?” The boy confused replies, “uhm no it can’t grandpa”. He looks at him and says “sorry kid not today then”. Some time passes and now the kid has grown into a man and decides to take his grandpa out fishing again. His grandpa opens up a beer and starts fishing wh...

A girl named Darling had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name.

Darling always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school. Eventually, after she had grown up and was married, she realized that the teasing actually made her stronger, and that having a unique name was actually a good thing.

So, when her first child was born, she talked her husband into naming...

Name one truth you've learnt after growing up

Grown ups are good at lying

A teacher is trying to persuade the kids to buy a copy of the class' group picture:

“Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.”

A small voice at the back of the room rang out: “And there’s our teacher, she’s dead.”

A young boys and his mother are waiting in the line in McDonald.

Suddenly the boy shouts:

\- "Mom, I want to pee."

The mother takes him to the toilet and tells him:

\- "You are a grown up boy. Don't say you want to pee, again! Instead, tell me that you want to whistle then I will take you to the toilet".

Now, it's night and the moth...

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

Let Your Kids belive in Santa

Because there are still grown adults that belive Michigan will beat Ohio State.

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

I was talking to my brother yesterday

He is a grown man but still spends every single minute on a stupid videogame. He claims our old Nintendo Entertainment System is still the coolest thing in the world, mainly because we painted ours completely black for a better look.

Yesterday I visited my parents' house. My brother said the ...

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