Where do you take someone who’s been injured in a peek–a-boo accident?

To the ICU.

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?"

"Yes, there was"

answers the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head.

"Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?"

"Yes, absolutely"

answered the Grandpa, and patted the grandson's other head.

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A man is in a car accident and when he wakes up in hospital his wife is at his bedside while the doctor gives him some bad news.

"I'm afraid I have some bad news" says the doctor, "you're fine except for one thing, your penis was badly injured and we had to amputate it.. however, the good news is your insurance has paid out £6,000 for this injury and we have the technology to give you a fully functional prosthetic penis, now,...

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I'm devastated. I just had a look at my doctor's notes and he's written that after my accident, I'll never be able to wank again.

Edit: False alarm! I asked him about it and he chuckled about the whole "doctors have bad handwriting" cliche. It's meant to say walk. What a relief!

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Last Christmas, I told my 5 year old nephew that pooping in your pants is just an accident and there’s no shame for an accident

But to this day that little fucker keeps teasing me about it.

A farmer is suing a trucking company a week after getting into a very bad accident.

"Sir," the trucking company's lawyer says to the farmer, "my client says that, after the accident, you said you were fine. Is that true?"

"Well, you see," replies the farmer, "I was driving to the fair, and my favourite dog, Spot, was in the front seat with me, and--"

"I didn't ask for...

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says....

....”We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along ...

Some people like to call their mistakes "happy accidents."

Others get creative and give them cute little names like Nathan, or Thomas, like my parents did.

People keep claiming I caused a car accident

I don’t know what they’re talking about because I did it on purpose

A Rabbi And A Priest Get Into A Huge Car Accident

After both of them crawl out of their cars, the rabbi looks and the priest and says:

"Look at that! Both of our cars are completely demolished, and yet here we are alive and well! This must be a sign from God that we should become good friends!"

The Priest, looking at the total wrecka...

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I just swallowed a stack of Scrabble tiles by accident.

My next poop could spell disaster!

In a freak accident I lost all the fingers on my right hand.....

I asked the doctor If I would still be able to write with it.

He replied "Probably, but I wouldn't count on it"

An old farmer calls into the town sheriff to report an auto accident he happened upon out on a county road near his farm.

By the time the sheriff makes it out to the farmer's property he sees the car in the ditch, but no one else but the farmer climbing down off his backhoe.

"What happened to the occupant or occupants of the car."

"Oh them? I buried 'em. All 4 of them."

"Doesn't look like much dama...

I lost part of my hand in a freak accident that also gave me amnesia

I’m trying to remember what happened, but I can’t put my finger on it

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A school bus full of Catholic girls get in a terrible accident

Nobody survives. All the girls find themselves standing in line at The Pearly Gates. At the front of the line is the angel Gabriel, next to him is a bowl of holy water.

He asks the first girl, "Lucy, have you ever touched a penis before?" Lucy responds, "Well... just once. Billy showed me hi...

1 stolen jokes an accident

1 stolen jokes an accident, 2 stolen jokes a coincidence and thousands of stolen jokes is r/jokes

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Hunting accident

Three friends went bird hunting. While walking across an open field, they came across an old fence. Two of the hunters quickly climbed over the fence. Being a little chubby, the third hunter decided he needed an easier way to get over the fence. He leaned his shotgun against the fence, walked down t...

Sometimes I say "nope" by accident.

Nope unintended.

3 Nuns are killed in an accident and meet St Peter at the Pearly Gates.

Before they’re admitted to Heaven, St Peter tells them that they have to answer a question before they can enter.
He turns to the first nun and asks “Who was the first man on Earth?”
The nun answer “Easy, Adam”, then some lights flash and bells ring, “Yeah congratulations!” says Peter “Tha...

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well. I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite donkey Bessie into the... "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'". Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Be...

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed in him

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him

An Australian gets in a bad car accident and wakes up in the ER.

He asks the doctor, "did I come here to die?"

The doctor says "No, of course not!"

The man is relieved.

The doctor says, "you came here yes-to-die!"

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A bus full of nuns gets into a terrible accident and there are no survivors.

They arrive at the pearly gates to see a bleary eyed St. Peter sitting there with a list of all their names. "Sister Martha," he calls out. "Please come here." She comes out of the group and they begin to form a line. St. Peter continued, "You as a nun understood your vow of chastity and what that e...

Little Red Riding Hood was involved in an accident.

Paramedics are on the scene but she's not out of the woods yet.

Finger Accident

Judi, the blonde, runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend. He was working on the engine under the hood of his car when the lid came down and cut off a finger!" "My god," shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his whole finger?" "No, thank goodness," snif...

I've stopped being funny ever since that accident

The doctors said I lost my humerus

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Tarzan has an accident

Tarzan swung on a liana in the jungle when he suddenly lost his grip and fell to the ground.

Heavily wounded he was brought to the jungle hospital where some of his body parts had to be replaced.

He received a gorillas arm as a replacement for his right arm, a leopards leg as replaceme...

My son was walking shirtless showing his 6 pack abs proudly and said 'This didn't happen by accident'

I said ' if you ask your mother,she would tell a different answer' .

Did you hear about that terrible accident??

The poor guy, he rolled his car over a few times over several feet. He broke his left arm, and his left leg was completely broken as well. They air lifted him to the hospital, but thankfully it looks like he will be...
All Right.

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This guy got into a bad accident and ended up losing an arm, an eye and his penis.

He wakes up a few weeks later and is greeted by a strange looking doctor. The doctor explains what happened and tells him he performed an experimental surgery to insure some quality of life following the accident.

The doctor goes on to explain that he gave him a gorilla arm, that was the clos...

In a recent laboratory accident, a technician was frozen to absolute zero

but he's 0k now.

Did you hear about the square that got into an accident?

Now it’s a wrecked-angle

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident in the Bay Of Fundy, Nova Scotia , a man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. "We know it's late, sir, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the Mounties.

"Tell me! Did you find her!?" the husband shouted.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said,

"We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said "Give me the bad news first."
<...

One woman and four men had a plane accident and they landed on a deserted island

They all manage to survive and build their shelter. But slowly having four men for one woman becomes a problem. The men decide to solve the problem by not fighting but talkind and they decide that the woman should spend a week with each of them one by one. So they went to the woman and told the plan...

Lawyers...?

Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding.

In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.

"Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back."

Six months pass and Peter returns. "Yes, we can do this for you."
<...

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven

When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"

St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?...

Close Call Accident

1) = First driver
2) = Priest

During the night, 2 cars bumped to each other.
The first comes out furious starting cursing at the other driver.
The second comes out and it turns out he was a high priest.

1)Sorry 'Father' i didn't meant what i said...

2)My child, ...

The accident-prone wood cutter

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to the hospital.

When they get to the hospital, a surgeon is able to see them right away. He says he's an expert at reattaching severed limbs, but that the surg...

Man wakes up in hospital after a serious accident....

"Doctor !! Doctor!! I can't feel my legs."

"I know. We cut off your arms."

An unhappy couple are driving on a snowy night when they get into an accident.

Both of them are hospitalized soon but the wife doesn't survive. The husband is unconscious for quite some time after the accident.

When he wakes up, the doctor gently tells him the truth.

He says, "Sir, we have a bad news."

The man tenses up. He replies, "What? Is it my wife? W...

A guy lost his finger in an accident at work.

When he got to the hospital he called his wife and said "Hey honey I'm OK but I cut my finger off at work".

"The whole finger?" she asked

"No" he replied, "the one next to it."

A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse.

“Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one

Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must ...

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

Three musicians are killed in an automobile accident. They arrive together at the pearly gates, where they are greeted by Saint Peter.

"Hello," says Saint Peter. "I suppose you'd like to get into Heaven!"

"Yes, we would," says the first musician, a band director.

"Well, there's just a little test you have to take. Nothing too difficult. Related to your earthly profession," says Saint Peter.

"OK," says the band ...

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A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors...

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinn...

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My boyfriend asked me if girls ever pee in the shower. I said "yeah, they do. Sometimes I do by accident."

"what do you mean, by accident?"


"relax. Sometimes it happens when you're having a shit."

3 nuns died in a car accident.

They reached to the gates of heaven but St.Peter said "so I know you are people of the cloth but I decided that I am not going to just let people in, I'm going to give you a test".


So he goes to the youngest nun and says "who was the first man on earth". Nun 1: "Adam" a hand reaches ...

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Ten Catholic priests all die in a bus accident

When they arrive at the pearly gates, St. Peter acknowledges them. He sees that they’re all priests and immediately says "If any of you are paedophile, there’s no point waiting here. Just fuck off straight to hell!"

Nine of the priests turn around and begin to walk away.

St. Peter call...

I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth today

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

Tom lost a foot in a traffic accident.

Years later, he fell in love with Mary. Tom didn't tell Mary his disability, worrying that she might leave him.

Tom loved Mary so much that he proposed to her and she said yes.

The next day after the wedding, Mary called her mother angrily : " My husband has only one foot "

...

Man Gets Arrested For Creeping This Lady Out On A Bus. His Explanation Is Perfect.

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.

She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained...

What do you call an accident prone martial artist?

Bruise Lee

In a tragic accident, the circus' human cannonball was killed today.

When asked if he will find a replacement, the Ringmaster responded, "Where will I ever find another man of his caliber?"

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Car accident

A man is called to the hospital, his wife and mother in law were in an accident. His wife held over for observation, and the doctor asks if his wife has any siblings.

He replies "no she an only child"

Dr Says "well than I am sorry to tell you you mother in law is very bad off. She has ...

After major accidents with lots of preventable injuries, there’s always a wave of lawsuits.

The sue-nami.

A guy lost his fingers in an accident at work.

He rushed to the hospital and made his way to the emergency ward.

When he arrived the doctor came in and said, "Not to fret, Mr. Roberts, with the technology of today and advances in medicine, we can easily reattach your fingers and you'll be able to return to work in a couple of days. Now.....

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Harry was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard, he sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Harry asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Harry questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get one and I get one."

Harry brought over his wife and discussed about what to ...

So I got in a car accident

As I pulled over to the side a dwarf hopped out of his vehicle and walked up as I rolled down my window. He looked at his damaged and frowned at me.

“I’m not happy” he said.

“So which one are you?” I asked.

That’s when the fight began

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has a...

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We now have the technology to build a new penis.

Doctor Cohen comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The m...

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A man was involved in a terrible car accident.

Because of the accident he lost one of his eyes. The doctor explained to him that he could get a fake eye to replace the real one. So the man agrees and chooses the least expensive. A wooden eye.  

Some months pass and the man finally works up the courage to go out in public. His friends talk...

Accidently signed up for the Krona vaccine

Now I've lost my Swedish bank account

The #1 cause for accidents in Georgia is deer.

Which is crazy to me since they can’t drive.

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My wife asked me if I'd ever pissed in the shower. I said 'Yes but both times were an accident.

My Wife responded 'What!? How can you piss in the shower by accident? Twice!?'

And I said 'Well these things happen when you're taking a shit'.

I got a call from the hospital late last night informing me that my wife had been involved in a terrible accident.

I rushed to the hospital and asked the nurse “How is she? Can I see her?!”. The nurse replied “I’m so sorry, I’m afraid you’re too late.”

“No worries.” I said. “I’ll come back in the morning.”

My girlfriend hated that I told blind jokes

Years ago I dated a girl for about 6 months. We got along super well. I met her family, and she met mine. Things were getting pretty serious between us.

The only thing that we really argued about was my blind jokes. I loved saying them and she hated them. In her defense, she had a blind broth...

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The five minute management course

THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson #1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before ...

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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny.

So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks.

The husband and wife agr...

Statistician joke...

Why did a statistician take a zebra with him when he boarded a train?


Because statistically, it's a lot less likely to be a train accident with a Zebra inside it...

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

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Just had a dream that reads like a joke.

A guy had an accident that severely hurt his penis, and was recovering at the doctor's office.

Doctor: "Your situation is very serious. I'll have to bring in a specialist."

Patient: "What, a surgeon?"

D: "No, a flute player."

P: "A flute player?! Why?"

D: "They'll ...

A terrible accident has just occurred at work.

Our maintenance man lost both his legs.
Now he is just a handyman.

Bob Ross used to say, "There are no mistakes, just happy little accidents."

Lovely man, terrible driving instructor.

Women are responsible for roughly 45% of car accidents

Which is pretty high, considering the steering wheel isn't even on their side.

Breaking News: Local Kindergarten reports major Peek-a-Boo accident.

All involved were rushed to the ICU

My mom washed my wallet on accident.

Asked me “is that what you call laundering money”.

At what angle do most car accidents happen?

The Rectangle!
(Wrecked Angle)

I didn't know my mom watched Bob Ross

Because she called me a happy little accident

What did they call Handy Andy after the accident?

Stumpy.

Did you hear about that guy that lost his ear in a construction accident?

They reconstructed it from pig skin, the sound quality is good but there's still a little bit of crackling...

Tractors

So there was this guy who was a fan of tractors. He had posters of it everywhere. He had his own tractor business, married a beautiful wife. The whole 9 yards.

One day his wife died from a tractor accident. Heartbroken he got rid of his business, his posters, everything tractor related.
...

there was an accident at the marmalade factory

it got a little jammed nothing could be preserved

Did you hear about the man who lost his left arm and leg in a skiing accident?

He ended up being all right

Pat and Mike work at the Guinness Brewery, and one day there's an accident. Pat calls Mike's wife, Mary, and says: "Sure, and I hate to be tellin ya this, but there's been an accident down at the Guinness."

"Saints Preserve us," says she, "is Mike alright?"

Pat responds, "I'd like to tell ya that, but it'd be a lie!"

"Ya don't mean that me Mike's been hurt?" says Mary.

"Sure, an it's worse than that," says Pat, "he's fallen inta the beer vat and drowned!"

"Oh, well" says Mar...

Children left alone in the backseat can cause accidents,

which is ironic considering that accidents in the backseat can cause children.

A blind guy walks into a primarily female bar

During a break in the music, he loudly says "hey, y'all wanna hear a blond joke?" Being blind, he doesn't realize how many blond women are in the bar. The bartender walks up to him and tells him "alright man, I know you're blind and new around here, so let me offer you some advice. I am 6'5 and blon...

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My girlfriend asked me if I had ever I peed in the shower. I said "yes, twice, but they were both accidents"

She asked "How on earth could you accidentally pee in the shower?!"
I said "Well these things tend to happen when you're taking a shit".

A police officer arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree.

The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, 'Are you seriously hurt?'

'How should I know?' the man answers, 'I'm not a lawyer!'

Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

I hit a cat today by accident

But then I kept swinging the hammer

When I was 16 years old I told my mom I wanted to get a motorcycle...

She said, "You are not buying a motorcycle. My brother, your uncle who you never met, died in a horrible motorcycle accident. You can have his bike."

A wealthy woman had lost her right hand and left foot in a car accident.

Her doctor told her that he would have her new prosthetics ready the next day. She sent her servant to go pick them up from the hospital. The servant was a couple hours early. The servant waited on her hand and foot.

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A man who killed 16 people in a car accident is in the court

The judge asks him to tell exactly what happened. The guy starts calmly.

\- Well, I was driving my truck down the road but my brakes failed. In front of me there were two choices: On the left there was an old guy who was crossing the road and on the right there was a crowded bus stop. So i de...

A man on his death bed was speaking with his wife.

"Helen," he said, "we've been through so much together. Do you remember when the shop burned down, and we lost everything of value we had in this world. We had to start over from nothing, but you were by my side."

His wife solemnly replied "I remember, dear."

"Helen," he continued, "wh...

Since quitting alcohol, my car has seen much fewer accidents.

Now I just need to encourage it to stop smoking.

Three little old nuns are attending a church service in Rome when, in a freak accident, a giant crucifix falls from the old plaster wall and kills them.

When they arrive at the Pearly Gates Saint Peter says, "I'm SO sorry, Sisters, that was a freak accident and wasn't supposed to happen.

"Unfortunately, your Earthy bodies were too horribly mangled for us to just send your souls back, but we *do* have a protocol for cases like yours.

"W...

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

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You guys hear that Lorena Bobbitt got into a car accident yesterday?

Some dick cut her off.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust ha...

My insurance agent told me that I'm most likely to be involved in a car accident when I'm within a mile of my home.

So I've decided to move to a safer neighborhood.

I had an accident and lost my one leg

And I can't stand being in a wheelchair.

A photographer was killed in a freak accident today.

When trying to take a group photo, a giant wheel of cheddar rolled over and crushed him.

Witnesses said people did try to warn him.

We Finally Know Why The Leaning Tower Of Pisa Is Leaning.

The graphic designer pressed the *ITALICS* key on accident.

Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in

Me: Thanks for reminding me

Why didn't the anti-vaxxer wear a seatbelt?

Because they didn't want to live in fear of car accidents.

Tiger woods got in an accident the same reason he lost his last tournament

Because of his terrible driving

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A Serious Accident

A man wakes up in a hospital after a serious accident. He looks around and sees the doctor coming up to him. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you will be able to walk again without rehabilitation. The bad news is that due to the severity of the accide...

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A man loses his penis in an industrial accident

Through the wonders of modern medicine, plastic surgeons are able to reconstruct his penis using tissue from an elephant’s trunk. After a full year of recovery and therapy, he’s finally cleared to use his new penis

So he takes his beautiful girlfriend out for a nice meal at a fancy restauran...

A Christmas warning - be safe out there.

A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went on to shots. Not a good idea! Knowing I was over the lim...

"Mike, why do you keep calling your bungee jumping accident "the pregnancy scare?"

Mike: "The rubber broke."

Three nuns get into a car accident.

All three die and are awaiting St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven. St. Peter arrives.

"All three of you must each answer a bible trivia question to proceed inside." He looks at the first and youngest nun. "Who was the first woman on Earth?"

"Easy. Her name was Eve." states the younge...

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A classroom of kids were learning all about common English proverbs. (LONG)

The teacher asked if anyone had a proverb they could talk about - the kids all put their hands up, including Little Johhny at the back. But the teacher chose Susie: "What's your story, Susie?"

"Well, Miss, my dad jumped into a creek and broke his leg on a big branch just under the water!"...

I saw that my dog had an accident on the floor

So I said to him “urine trouble”

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During a church service,

the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie stood and walked to the podium.

She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle accident and his scrotum was crushed.”

There was a muffled gasp from the men i...

A man had a workplace accident which caused him to lose one of his ear.

He had no choice but to get a ear prosthetic to replace his lost ear. However, he seemed to be a completely changed person, from his mannerisms to his personality. His colleague finally caved and asked him one day: "Hey, why have you changed so much since the accident?". To which he replied:
...

My friend in Alabama lost his Mom, his Sister, and his Wife in a car accident.

He really loved that woman.

An avid skydiver dies in a skydiving accident.

At the funeral a friend approaches the widow.

"It was a tragic accident" the friend says, "but at least he died doing something he loved."

"Not really" replied the widow.

"I thought he loved skydiving" replied the friend

"Oh, he loved skydiving" said the widow, "He hated...

A very handsome man gets into a terrible car accident....

The doctors save his life, but he loses one eye.Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he's temporarily given a wooden eye.

The man becomes very depressed because of his eye loss and sits at home, moping around.Eventually his friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him u...

Blonde in a car accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furiou...

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Had to go see the doctor today.

Me: I've hurt my penis in a surfing accident.


Doctor: Did you fall off your board?

Me: No I slammed my laptop shut when the Wife walked in.

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Little Johnny was late to school

His teacher asked him why he was late, but he had a very good excuse. "Well miss, I was in my way to school when I saw this terrible car accident! This hippie was driving their van with a surfboard on top. He had to slam on his brakes to avoid an accident but his surfboard went flying off the roof ...

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A man got an urgent message at work saying his wife had been in a car accident and was in the hospital.

So the man rushed to the hospital and was met in the lobby by the surgeon who had just operated on his wife.

Doctor: I'm sorry to have to tell you this sir but the damage to you wife's spinal cord was catastrophic. She'll never walk again. In fact she'll most likely be a helpless invalid for ...

When I heard that Kevin Hart was injured in a car accident, I was really worried for my kids.

They use the same brand of booster seat!

Too soon?

EDIT - thank you mysterious benefactor for my first gold!

EDIT 2 - Shout out to u/LethKith who wants me and my whole family to die in a fiery car crash. I hope you have a good day buddy. Try to relax and enjoy the joke for what ...

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A guy gets into a terrible car accident.

Late in the night he finally regains consciousness. He finds himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering him. She gives him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he hears her slowly say "I’m sorry but you ma...

Scott Morrison was visiting a Sydney primary school and the class was in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Morrison if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'Tragedy'.

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'Tragedy'

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing' in the field and a tractor runs o...

Dead Crows

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenge...

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Robotic Arm

A man's (lets call him John) arm is mangled in an accident and needs to have it amputated.

The doctors fit John with a new high tech robotic arm that is voice activated. The doctor has John run through some tests by placing a pen on the table on front of him and having him tell the arm to ...

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I went to the hospital to visit my friend who had an accident.

While waiting in the waiting room, I felt hungry so bought some juice and 2 burgers from the cafeteria.

I was about to eat, when I saw a kid sitting on the chair beside me looking at me. I asked him if he was hungry. He nodded. So I gave him one of my burgers.

After a few minutes, his ...

How did the car accident happen?

My wife fell asleep in the backseat

I had a friend who lost a toe in an accident.

We aren't friends any more, I'm extremely lack toes intolerant.

A black guy loses a middle finger in a work accident.

The surgeon tells him: "I'm sorry but I cannot attach your original finger due to the damage. However, I can attach one from a dead person. The thing is, I only have fingers from white people available."

The black guy says it's no problem, as long as he can use all fingers again.

Surge...

My mate Tom lost his two big toes in an accident. We now call him ...

Tomatoes

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I was recently in a car accident and had to have both my legs amputated.

After the crash pretty much everything went to shit. I started getting nightmares from the stress, I lost my job from being unable to work, even my wife left me.

Honestly it feels like I dont have a leg to stand on at the moment.

I only have two new years resolutions. One: to lose the weight I gained since the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

A man is involved in a minor car accident and starts screaming and shouting like a baby

A cop approaches the car and says: "Sir, the ambulance is on its way. Your girlfriend has blood on her face, yet she sits there patiently. You appear to be fine, why are you crying so loud?"
The man replies: "Check what's in her mouth!"

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