UPJOKE
inadvertentunintendedincidentalsuddenaccidentfatalincidentmishapunexplainedunintentionaldeadlyintentionallethaldeliberatecatastrophic

Accidentally Jokes

I accidentally said “Gazuntite” after my crush sneezed.

Now she’s staring at the bushes wondering who said that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Accidentally Elbows a Woman's Boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their
professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the ot...

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles...

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps.

If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally walked in on my roommate and his girlfriend having sex;

fortunately they didn't see me for almost a half hour.

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic but then I remembered that...

...it’s always going to be okay!

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden

Oopsie daisies

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.
Edit: Thanks for the karma, and damn Reddit is not shy about telling internet strangers they pooped in their pants.
Edit 2: Thank you kind stranger for giving me my first gold on a poop joke, I wouldn't have expected it any other...

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walk...

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?

Sheer Luck Holmes

I accidentally gave my girlfriend a glue stick instead of chapstick...

She's still not talking to me :(

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives

I will start a religious movement anytime now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just accidentally emailed a porn link to a co-worker...

So I emailed ten other co-workers the link and called it a virus

I accidentally took my cat's medication...

Don't ask meow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man tries to clean his fake eye by licking it, but accidentally swallows it. He goes to the doctor in utter constipation seeking help.

The doctor tells the patient to bend over and cough, and promptly faints.

When he comes to, the nurse asks him what happened. "|'ve looked at quite a few arseholes in my practice" said the doctor, "first time ever an arsehole looked back!".

I accidentally clicked on a "You've won an iPhone"-popup.

Luckliy it was only a virus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he is not buying it, in fact he is still making fun of me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Actually happened: I saw a girl at a party who was distraught and crying because she had accidentally swallowed a tongue piercing.

Her boyfriend put his arm around her and said, “This, too, shall PASS.”

If she doesn’t marry him, I will.

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed like a convict for a costume party.

He quickly learned to never book a judge by their cover

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD

and found out I have Gary Busey

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During sex, I accidentally called my wife by my ex-wife name.

I said, "You like that, bitch?"

I accidentally referred to my wife as my girlfriend today

Their names aren't even that similar

So Fred has accidentally cut off John's ear with his spade.

John and Fred were digging a ditch when Fred made a careless swipe with his spade and cut off John's ear.

"Help me find it in all this mud," said John. "If we find it they can sew it back on."

After a couple of minutes, Fred triumphantly shouted, "Here it is", handing the ear to John....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy accidentally says another girls name during sex

One day, Matt is fucking his girlfriend, Sarah, in his apartment, after they both spent some time together. They're both passionately going at it, and look into each others eyes, and as Matt is about to climax he yells "Ohhh, Angela!"

Sarah instantly stops, and gives a sharp cold look, and sh...

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the s...

An Scotsman accidentally dropped a penny into an open sewage pit

The pit was full of excrement, and after a few moments of thinking the Scotsman concluded:

"It's not worth it. I will never dive in for a penny!"

Then he checked his pockets for some change, picked two pounds and throw it to the pit:

"Now it's better" he said and jumped into the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

I accidentally sent my friend flowers over the internet

Whoops, E-Daisies

What's the worst thing about accidentally locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

A blonde accidentally drops 20$ down the toilet

She asks her boyfriend to grab it for her and he says:

"Y'know, honey, 20$ isn't really worth putting my hand on the toilet."

"Would 70$ be worth it?"

"70$? Yeah, I suppose."

The blonde drops 50$ down the toilet.

I accidentally walked in on my sister pleasuring her self with a cucumber!!!

I was going to eat that later... now it's going to taste like cucumber

I accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat.

The neighbor saw it happen, and realized it was an accident. He just yelled "Oh God please put him out of his misery!"

He got really mad when I tried to tell him I'd have to do it eight more times.

They fired that butcher who accidentally backed into the meat grinder.

They said he was getting a little behind in his work.

I accidentally put diesel in the escort.

She’s dead now.

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end...

But a beautiful finish

Yesterday I accidentally crashed through the glass door of a French bakery.

I was….in a world of pain.

A man accidentally rear-ended a car

The driver whom was rear-ended steps out of the car and, to the mans surprise, was a dwarf. He walks to the man and says "I am NOT happy."

The man responds: "Then which one are you?"

My wife let me listen to her audiobook, but I accidentally deleted it halfway through.

Now I’ll ….never hear the end of it.

I accidentally swallowed a small gold nugget

So I dug through my feces to find it. My wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was just mining my own business.

People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them

"By mistake?"

"Oh come on.. Not you as well"

I heard The Joker just accidentally killed someone...

He was convicted of involuntary man's laughter.

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

Me, after accidentally cutting my hand open with a saw: Can you call me an ambulance?

Son: You’re an ambulance

Me: haha

Son: haha

Me: Ok I’m losing a fair bit of blood here, bud

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes...

I now have Heinzsight.

My son today accidentally drank invisible ink.

I'm sat with him in the emergency room waiting to be seen.

I tried installing a calendar app but accidentally installed a colander .

It keeps draining my battery.

I accidentally splashed pickle juice in my eyes

Now I'm brined.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.

I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

I accidentally got anti aging cream on my block of cheddar

I’ve now got milk all over the kitchen top

My wife divorced me because I accidentally put it in the wrong hole

Fair enough it was her sister's but still...

I accidentally mixed up a bottle of alcohol with a magic lamp

Now I'm sipping on jinn & juice.

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

One spelling mistake can completely ruin your marriage

I accidentally texted my wife “I’m having a wonderful time. I wish you were her.”

What do you call it when you accidentally open the men’s dressing room door?

Pico de gallo.

>!like peek-o de guy-o!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally dropped my swear jar

About 700 motherfuckers escaped.

I accidentally combined Fahrenheit and milliliters

FmL

I accidentally slept with my third cousin.

The first two were better.

A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow

He now has a rare medium well done

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally showed a friend some porn

hope he didnt have any hard feelings.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally called my mom an asshole

and now i feel like a piece of shit.

I accidentally connected the drill to 220v instead of 110v.

When the fire alarm sounded, it was not a drill. Or was it?

I accidentally went to a bread and breakfast

>!My sleep was horrible, too much crust.!<

I accidentally called my wife a ‘trophy’ the other day...

She shot back, “Oh come on, just because you always finish first doesn’t mean you win anything!”

I've just accidentally let slip to the family that I lied about earning my biology degree.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower...

The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play.

About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where d...

Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring

The doctor says I’m ok, but I feel like I dyed a little inside

I accidentally joined an organization...

I accidentally joined a pro-secession organization.

When I tried to leave, I was elected as their chairman.

The modern steak was invented when a piece of meat accidentally fell from a shelf, hit another two shelves, and fell right into a sizzling pan

Ba dum tss

Heavenly Ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck,
And alt...

My pothead uncle accidentally cut himself yesterday while disposing of his old drinkware

It just goes to show you that people who live in stoned houses shouldn't throw glasses

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

Accidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I made it half way to work before I realized I forgot my car.

A lady accidentally locks herself out of her car

Luckily, a passing soldier notices her and assures her that he can help. First, he takes off his pants. He then rolls it up into a ball and rubs it against the car handle.

Almost immediately, the car door unlocks.

"That was amazing! How did you do that?" The woman asks.

"Well, i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two blokes were on a plane one day.......

........ and they were sitting side by side. Coincidentally, they each had one black eye. They started talking.. 'hey mate do you mind if I ask how you got your black eye?'. 'Yeah no worries', the other one responded. 'I was at the airport check in and when I got to the counter, I couldn't help but ...

why don't claustrophobic people like accidentally meeting the same person twice?

They don’t want to be reminded that it’s a small world

I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.

I hate how you can accidentally make a person but can’t accidentally make a pizza.

I mean who decided that, huh?

Did you hear about the man who was accidentally buried alive?

It was a grave mistake.

North Korean submarine accidentally destroys another North Korean submarine

Woops, wrong sub

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally stole a wig?

He walked out of the store and forgot toupee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two young Mormon missionaries are spreading the good word around South-East Asia when they accidentally walk in to a brothel

This becomes increasingly clearer to the two young men as the attractive, scantily clad women begin to make poorly veiled sexual entreaties in broken English. The two have practically no knowledge of, or experience with, women, and begin sweating profusely when the truth dawns. The first missionary ...

Chuck Norris’ wife accidentally kneed him in the groin while dancing

He asked her if her knee was ok

I accidentally sat on a bag of dried fruit the other day

Guess I *have* been on a date this year!

If a vegan accidentally eats meat...

Do they break out in chives?

What happens when you accidentally pour coffee in your Ryzen Processor?

You get a Coffee Lake

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally mixed up the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' online.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

Did you hear about the archeologist who accidentally destroyed his dig site?

His career is in ruins.

Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor..

Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor. One of the men goes under the table to pick up the cards, and as he looks up he can see up his friend's wife's dress and that she isn't wearing any underwear.

Blushing coming up from the table, he ...

My son accidentally invented the end-all-be-all of kid jokes

Knock knock

\-- Who's there?

Chicken

\-- Chicken who?

Chicken from across the road

This morning I accidentally put baking soda in my wife’s coffee instead of sugar. She didn’t seem to mind though.

She’s basic.

I confessed to my girlfriend that I accidentally gave her eyebrow relaxing cream.

She didn’t seem to care that much.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.