This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"ATOE TRUCK!!??"

I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth today...

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

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A Man Accidentally Elbows a Woman's Boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm fine, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

My Crush just sneezed and I accidentally said "bless you"

Now she's staring at the bushes confused, wondering who said that.

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden

Oopsie daisies

Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.

Today I accidentally made my coffee with red bull instead of water.

I got halfway to work before I realised I forgot my car.

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

I accidentally swallowed a small gold nugget

So I dug through my feces to find it. My wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was just mining my own business.

I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.

Accidentally took my cats meds

Don't ask meow

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally ejaculated on dolphin and now everybody's mad at me

as if I did it on porpoise.

One time I was walking in the woods and accidentally stepped in some deer guts...

...it was just offal.

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes...

I now have Heinzsight.

A criminal was trying to hot-wire a car and accidentally electrocuted himself.

He got charged with battery.

Did you hear about the musician who accidentally flattened the second note of their natural minor scale?

It was a phrygian slip.

What do you call it when you accidentally knock up your girlfriend?

A misconception

If a vegan accidentally eats meat...

Do they break out in chives?

If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

I tried telling my 4 year old nephew that it’s perfectly fine to accidentally poo your pants…

But he’s not buying it. In fact, he’s still making fun of me

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target.

tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend.

What did a tectonic plate say to another tectonic plate after they accidentally collided?

Sorry, my fault.



(I'm sure it's been said before, but I still giggled at that one)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.

She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”

“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”

He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for her mouth. He h...

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I accidentally took my grandpas viagra thinking it was my anti depressant medication

It’s gunna be a hard day...

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven: When they get there, St. Peter says....

....”We only have one rule here in heaven, don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Well, along ...

A parrot accidentally swallowed a viagara tablet and went berserk

He started humping everything he could lay his wings on .

The owner called the vet who said that the overheating could damage his brain so asked him to put the parrot in a freezer.

The owner somehow caught the parrot and forced into the freezer and forced it shut.

After 10 mins...

A teacher goes for a long walk on the beach. She finds a shiny magic lamb, picks it up, and rubs it.

There is a puff of blue smoke and a genie pops out. “You have three wishes. I can give you anything in the world. If I fail, I must become your personal genie for eternity.”

The teacher thinks for a moment and says, “For my first wish, I want jewels. Silver, gold, platinum, whatever you have....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally dropped my swear jar

About 700 motherfuckers escaped.

I accidentally used the dog's shampoo this morning

I feel like a good boy.

accidentally swallowed a bag of scrabble letters

my next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup

The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a sea...

(NSFW) Why can't vampires accidentally get you pregnant?

A vampire always has to ask to come inside.

Three sisters die in a car crash.

Three sister die in a car crash. All three sisters make it up to heaven where they are greeted by God himself. God opens the pearly gates to reveal ducks everywhere

God says “Welcome to heaven, there is only one rule here. The only thing you can not do is step on any of the ducks so you must...

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor accidentally emailed the results of all his vasectomy patients to everyone on the internet.

They were publicly desemenated.

I misread the recipe. I was trying to make Cottage Cheese, but I accidentally ended up with Frottage Cheese.

The taste was off, and it just rubs me the wrong way.

My friend accidentally walked into the dustbin

I told her to stop hitting on trash

I accidentally deleted an audiobook I was listening to

Now I’ll never hear the end of it

I hate how you can accidentally make a person but can’t accidentally make a pizza.

I mean who decided that, huh?

I filled out a form wrong and accidentally gave a patient a bag of the wrong blood type.

It was a Type-O

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a bad idea doing tacos the night before the big meeting. Everyone looked shocked when I accidentally farted loudly.

I looked back at them, just as shocked. After a moment, I broke the awkward silence, and said,

"Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind my back?"

A man gets a flat tire outside the fence of an insane asylum.

While he's changing the tire he sees a patient on the other side of the fence observing him so he hurries. He gets the flat off and puts the spare on, but since he was rushing to get out of there, he accidentally drops all 4 lug nuts down a drain. While he's standing there staring at the spare wit...

Why is it easy to accidentally walk in on the White House Press Secretary while she is in the bathroom?

The P is silent.

My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

What did the dog say to Woody after accidentally swallowing Buzz Lightyear?

You got a friend in me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys died and went to heaven

As they were standing in front of the pearly Gates jesus appeared before them and explained, unfortunately we have been running at full capacity and at the moment we can only let in people in who died in an especially horrific way.

The first guy started to explain how he died. I left work ea...

I accidentally sat on some broken glass

It was a real pane in the ass

What do you smell if you (accidentally) burn a cat?

Purr-fume...

No cats were harmed in the making of this joke!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I put a bag of popcorn in the microwave but I accidentally hit the “potato” button instead of the “popcorn” button.

It turned out fine I just opened the bag and spooned in some sour cream.

Texas sounds like an interesting place

There once was a blind man who decided to visit Texas.

When he arrived on the plane, he felt the seats and said, “Wow, these seats are big!” The person next to him answered, “Everything is big in Texas.”

When he finally arrived in Texas, he decided to visit a bar. Upon arriving in th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Redditor accidentally trips and sets off an explosion in a precious metal mine. What’s the first thing they say?

Holy crap this blew up!

Uhhh thanks for the gold stranger!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men get lost in the woods...

As they search for a path out together they accidentally stumble into the part of the woods ruled by fairies. The fairy King is not impressed with intruders and orders them executed. They beg for their lives and the King decides they shall complete a two part challenge to be shown the way out.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally deleted the manuscript of my book '1000 Ways to Cure an Itch'

It looks like I'll have to start from scratch

Today I accidentally put my wallet in the washing machine

I suppose I'm now a money launderer

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

A funeral service was being held for a young woman who had just passed away. As the pallbearers carried the casket out, they accidentally bumped into a wall. They heard a faint moan come from inside the casket.

They opened the casket and found that the woman was still alive! She went on to live 10 more years and then died, and they held another funeral for her. While the pallbearers were carrying her out, her husband yelled, "Watch out for that wall!"

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

A coke addict accidentally snorts his grandma's ashes; how much of it did he snort?

About half a gran.

I accidentally bought too many art supplies

I'm having an excess stencil crisis.

I accidentally called my wife a ‘trophy’ the other day...

She shot back, “Oh come on, just because you always finish first doesn’t mean you win anything!”

The accident-prone wood cutter

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to the hospital.

When they get to the hospital, a surgeon is able to see them right away. He says he's an expert at reattaching severed limbs, but that the surg...

I saw an electrician accidentally electrocuting himself today; you might say he was...

killed.

Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today...

my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

2 friends meet each other. Matt is afraid, while Lycas is wet.

Lucas says: "Why are you scared?". Then Matt replies: "Yesterday, I was driving my car and accidentally I hit deer. I tought it was dead, so I thrown it in a nearby lake. By the way, why are you wet?". Lucas replies: "I was going to a costume party, dressed like a deer. Then someone hit me, and then...

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What did Jimi Hendrix say after he accidentally cut the end of a jew's penis off?

"Excuse Me While I Bris This Guy"

A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.” “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’” The vendor replies, “I’m certain you are mistaken!” The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign reads:

“Ice Stand, Corrected”

I accidentally kicked my dog earlier and it bit me. My friend said "it's karma"

I said "if anything, it's more annoyed"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally mixed up the words 'jacuzzi' and 'yakuza' online.

Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese Mafia.

I accidentally angered two people today by calling them hipsters.

Apparently the correct term is conjoined twins.

I'm afraid to tell my mom I accidentally knocked out some of my teeth and swallowed them...

It's really chewing me up inside.

I accidentally filled the escort up with diesel

She died.



Posting my favourite Gary Delaney joke on my cake day.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

What’d the farmer say when he accidentally squashed his pumpkin?

Oh my gord.

I just came up with this, this community can always use fresh/not reposted material.

I accidentally knocked over a headstone while walking through a cemetery.

I’ve made a grave mistake.

Over Christmas dinner, I accidentally let it slip I'd lied about my degree in biology.

Me and my big face-hole thingy.

I accidentally broke two of my dad's Queen CDs.

Now I want to break three.

The UPS guy accidentally dropped my package

Ups

Honey, I accidentally set your son on fire!

Just kidding, it’s not your son, it’s arson.

My uncle accidentally fell into a vat of lacquer.

He didn't have a good life, but he had a beautiful finish.

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

Scientists have accidentally created immortal frogs

While running experiments, they decided to cut some of the frogs vocal cords.
Ever since then, the frogs just wont croak

A woman accidentally locked her keys in her car and was pacing frantically on the side of the street, when a soldier from Boston passing by saw this and assured her that he could help. She looked on in amazement as he removed his trousers, rolled them into a tight ball...

...and rubbed them against the car door.

Magically, it opened!!

"That's incredible!!" the woman gasped. "How did you do it?"

"Easy..." replied the soldier. "These are my khakis."

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end...

But a beautiful finish

How about this for a joke?

There once was an innocent, but clumsy little girl.

One day, she was drinking a glass of water,

but she accidentally dropped the glass of water,

the glass breaks and the water spills all over,

so the little girl called out for help, and a man came to help her,

the ...

What's the worst part about accidentally using glue instead of lube

Deciding whether to go to the hospital or the vet

Kevin and Jake had fallen on bad days. Finally, they resorted to theft.

They decided to break into a millionaire's house the following night. Inside the house, Jake accidentally dropped a goblet, which shattered. The noise woke someone up. "Who's there?" the voice demanded. Jake had the presence of mind to reply "meow." After grabbing his fill, Jake slipped out into the...

Accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes earlier, but now I don't need glasses any more.

Heinz-sight is 20/20

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was watching a porn film the other day, and accidentally played the alternate ending. I didn’t think I would like it, but if I’m being honest....

I came to the wrong conclusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 75 year old used to put his fake teeth in a jar of water before sleeping

He used to do this every night. One day he felt thirsty and accidentally drank the water which he put his dentures. The next day, he had severe stomach pain and went to the doctor.

The doctor examined him thoroughly, wiped his brow of sweat visibly shaking and said - “In all my years being a...

There was this dyslexic who kept accidentally praying to his dog.

One day, he got so frustrated with it that he sold his soul to Santa.

I accidentally drank a little food colouring last night.

I ended up dying inside.

I accidentally took my birth control pill twice yesterday

and when I woke up this morning, one of my kids was gone.

What's the worst thing about accidentally locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

I accidentally jumped out of a plane without a parachute

But dont worry i got the rest of my life to figure out how to survive it

What do you call a steak that you accidentally overcook?

A misteak

What did the shop owner say when he accidentally ordered too much chocolate and marshmallows?

We've got a rocky road ahead of us...

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

A guy in my glass has a habit of breaking my glasses

His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it’s basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.

Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he “accidentally” sat on them.

He broke my secon...

A cow accidentally ate a bunch of marijuana leaves

and the steaks were quite high

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.
Edit: Thanks for the karma, and damn Reddit is not shy about telling internet strangers they pooped in their pants.
Edit 2: Thank you kind stranger for giving me my first gold on a poop joke, I wouldn't have expected it any other...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally made out with my 3rd cousin last night

The first two were pretty pissed when they found out.

A cowboy walks into a bar and accidentally bumps shoulders with someone while walking up to the bartender

The cowboy says politely, “Scuse me, sir.”
The person looks over at the cowboy uncomfortably and responds, “Uh, actually I’m non-binary.” The cowboy tips his hat respectfully and says, “Oh, pardon me M’theydy.”

Our dog accidentally swallowed my wife's wedding ring.

Now we have a diamond in the ruff.

While driving my car, I accidentally ran over a kid carrying a cymbal...

Ba dum, Tsss.

I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course...

I’m really struggling to get out of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of White Out.

I woke this morning with a huge correction.

A husband and wife go to church every Sunday. However, the husband would always fall asleep while church was in session.

One day the wife went to the priest and said “My husband always falls asleep, and I can’t see when he does, so whenever he does can you make a hand gesture so I will know to wake him up?” The priest agrees and the preaching starts.

As priest is saying “Who is thy ruler and maker, who will alw...

A skunk and a rabbit were running through the woods and accidentally they collided with each other.

They both got amnesia from the crash.

"Who am I? What am I?" said the rabbit confused.

"Well, you're one such... with a short tail, long ears..."

"I guess!" shouted the rabbit, "I'm a rabbit!"

"And what am I?" asked the skunk.

"Ah! Yes. You're one such hairy, smell...

A farmer accidentally overcooked his, one of a kind, psychic cow

He now has a rare medium well done

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest is riding a cab

A priest gets a taxi. While driving, the taxi driver is being extremely obnoxious. Every time the car gets into a small pit in the road, the taxi driver says "Fuck!" or "Shit!". The priest is silent. Then they accidentally hit a pothole, and the taxi driver goes "Motherfucker!". Then they hit a crac...

I accidentally filled the Escort with diesel.

She died.

I accidentally called a presentation a "slide deck"

Now everyone on the Zoom meeting knows I'm actually 40

I accidentally drank holy water with my laxatives.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I took my three year old for a walk and he started crying because I accidentally stood on a toad stool.

Not sure why he was so upset, I'm the one with frog shit on my shoe.

I just found a canyon full of precious metals. I got so excited, I accidentally came in my pants.

It was quite an ore chasm.

A daughter accidentally sees her mother getting out of the shower...

The girl points at the mom’s pubic hair and says “Mommy, what’s that?” The mom, not knowing how to respond, replies “Uh, it’s my washcloth”. The daughter accepts this answer and runs off to play.

About two weeks later, the mother finds herself in the same precarious situation. “Mommy! Where d...

Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?

His buns were toasted.

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

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