UPJOKE
inadvertentunintendedincidentalsuddenaccidentfatalincidentmishapunexplainedunintentionaldeadlyintentionallethaldeliberatecatastrophic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pilot accidentally left on the intercom and was heard saying, "I could really use a coffee and a blowjob"

A stewardess quickly ran towards the cockpit, and a passenger yelled out, "you forgot the coffee!"

Eta: Looks like Good Will Hunting made this joke popular.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally walked in on my roommate and his girlfriend having sex;

fortunately they didn't see me for almost a half hour.

I accidentally took my cat's medication...

Don't ask meow.

An Scotsman accidentally dropped a penny into an open sewage pit

The pit was full of excrement, and after a few moments of thinking the Scotsman concluded:

"It's not worth it. I will never dive in for a penny!"

Then he checked his pockets for some change, picked two pounds and throw it to the pit:

"Now it's better" he said and jumped into the...

I just accidentally superglued my thumb and index finger together and at first, I started to panic but then I remembered that...

...it’s always going to be okay!

Guys, abortion may be illegal soon. If you accidentally get a girl pregnant, make sure she’s an anti-vaxxer.

Instead of paying for 18 years of child support, you’ll only have to pay for 3.

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

If Queen Elizabeth accidentally farts during dinner, the other guests are supposed to pretend like nothing happened.

Noble gases should have no reaction.

My crush just sneezed and I accidentally replied "Bless you!"

Now she's staring at the bush, wondering who said that.

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

Suddenly, a faint moaning is heard from the casket. The casket is opened, and it is found that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walk...

A blonde accidentally drops 20$ down the toilet

She asks her boyfriend to grab it for her and he says:

"Y'know, honey, 20$ isn't really worth putting my hand on the toilet."

"Would 70$ be worth it?"

"70$? Yeah, I suppose."

The blonde drops 50$ down the toilet.

My son today accidentally drank invisible ink.

I'm sat with him in the emergency room waiting to be seen.

I accidentally sprayed deodrant in my mouth

Now I have a weird axe scent

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

What do you call a detective who just solves cases accidentally?

Sheer Luck Holmes

I accidentally went to a bread and breakfast

>!My sleep was horrible, too much crust.!<

I accidentally handed my wife glue stick instead of chap stick last week.

She still isn’t talking to me.

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally killed him as I backed my car out of the drive.

I guess, I'll have to look after the puppy myself now.

I confessed to my girlfriend that I accidentally gave her eyebrow relaxing cream.

She didn’t seem to care that much.

Accidentally made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

...
...
...
I made it halfway to work before i realized i forgot my car.

I accidentally splashed pickle juice in my eyes

Now I'm brined.

What did the fisherman do at the doctor's office after accidentally swallowing a bucket full of worms?

He waited on his diagnosis with baited breath

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally swallowed the scrabble tiles for N, O, U, O, T, and Y.

I shit you not.

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally stole a wig?

He walked out of the store and forgot toupee.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

2 college students accidentally miss the math final exam

The next day they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam. When they both showed up he told one of them to wait outside while he tests the other. So one enters and the other...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally showed a friend some porn

hope he didnt have any hard feelings.

My son accidentally invented the end-all-be-all of kid jokes

Knock knock

\-- Who's there?

Chicken

\-- Chicken who?

Chicken from across the road

My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. We took him to the vet to get him checked out.

No word yet.

What do you call it when you accidentally put Vietnamese noodles in a coffee mug instead of a bowl?

A pho cup.

Chuck Norris’ wife accidentally kneed him in the groin while dancing

He asked her if her knee was ok

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Accidentally Elbows a Woman's Boob

as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says "if your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied "if your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

Joke Of The Month

A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer
in his room, so he decided to send an email to his
wife. He accidentally typed the wrong email
address, and without realising he sent the email to
a widow who had just returned from her
husband's funeral. The widow decided to check
h...

I accidentally planted the wrong flowers in my garden

Oopsie daisies

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a little boy, I accidentally walked in on my step dad as he was getting out of the shower and I saw his dick. Let me tell you, It. Was. Huge. Guy was swinging a hammer! And then I thought what every kid thinks when he sees something like that.

"I wish this guy was my real Dad..."

Did you hear about the Jedi nun who kept accidentally picking up banthas, hundreds of feet into the air?

You can’t really blame her, it was force of habit.

I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles

Now I'm experiencing constant vowel movements. My next trip to the bathroom could spell DISASTER.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undula...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up in a hospital after an operation

‘We have accidentally amputated your penis’ said the doctor

‘What the actual f**k!!!’ shouted the man

Then the doctor said ‘Ma’am, you need to calm down’

why don't claustrophobic people like accidentally meeting the same person twice?

They don’t want to be reminded that it’s a small world

There was a lumberjack who accidentally sawed off his left arm and leg.

He's all right now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.

I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

A woman's out golfing and she accidentally hits her ball through the window of a house near the golf course

She goes up to see if anyone's home and through the window she sees a man standing behind the shattered glass holding her golf ball in one hand and an old oil lamp in the other.

She said, "I'm sorry, I've broken your window. I can pay for it."

The man looks at the lamp, looks at her an...

Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing...

,,,it cost me a fortune in stamps.

I accidentally sat on a bag of dried fruit the other day

Guess I *have* been on a date this year!

What happens when you accidentally pour coffee in your Ryzen Processor?

You get a Coffee Lake

Justin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Justin to pull over.

When Justin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Justin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to Justin's car and cut up its leather seats.

When he turned aroun...

If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, just gently kick them under the refrigerator.

Soon it’ll be just water under the fridge.

I almost lost my job as a DJ at a country music station

I accidentally played the same three songs for five hours. Fortunately, our listeners didn't seem to notice.

My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."

"ATOE TRUCK!!??"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three couples are trying to get married.

Three couples are trying to get married at the same church. There is a young couple, a middle-aged couple, and an elderly couple. The three couples meet with the priest and discuss when they can get married.


"If you wish to get married in my church, you must all go one month without havi...

a man goes to a doctor...

A man goes to his doctor complaining that his girlfriend is pregnant notwithstanding their use of condoms and them never breaking.

The doctor says:

*"Let me tell you a story. There once was a hunter, who always carried his gun with him. One day, he accidentally grabbed his umbrella ins...

A man put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall.

He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper.
A few days later, he actually did it again. "I'm so embarrassed," he moaned to his wife while he reached for the phone.
"Why not tell him it was me this time?" his wife suggested.

"I could," he said while dialing, "but that's w...

What happened to the intern electrician after accidentally shocking himself bc he forgot to wear PPE?

He was grounded.

I lied on my job application and ended up accidentally getting hired as a building inspector.

I keep getting my wires crossed, but I'm doing asbestos I can.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heaven and ducks

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and altho...

A blonde accidentally kills a cop and calls the police:

- Hello, is this 911?
- Yes, what is your emergency?
- I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

What I meant to say…

A man arrived at work, visibly frustrated and irritated. His colleague asked what’s wrong.

The man said, “Uggghhh, my wife got super mad at me because I misspoke.”

The colleague asked what happened.

The man said, “So my wife and I were eating breakfast. What I *meant* to say w...

What do you call it when a salmon accidentally fertilizes his sisters eggs?

Roe Tide

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally had sex with my French cousin...

Inc'est la vie.

I was born with a silver spoon in my mouth

but that's only because my mom accidentally sat on one..

I accidentally swallowed a small gold nugget

So I dug through my feces to find it. My wife walked in and asked me what I was doing. I told her I was just mining my own business.

I accidentally dialed a suicide hotline in Saudi Arabia.

The first question they asked was if I knew how to fly a plane.

How I accidentally crushed a vegan customer's soul at Subway ;-;

So I work at Subway, yesterday I had a chick come in, she told me she wanted a Veggie Delight. As I went to get the bread she asked me if I could change my gloves cause she was vegan and I had been handling meat. I did that, no problem, perfectly reasonable request. I get her bread, toast it and put...

I accidentally dialed the emergency services from my phone last night

So I set my house on fire so I didn't look stupid.

'Doctor, Doctor, I keep on accidentally making racial stereotypes!"

Confused Jewish guy: "What doctor?"

What is the Funniest soviet joke?

What is the Funniest soviet joke?



An old man was scattered on the sidewalk and accidentally fell into the river beside the road, shouting for help! The two policemen heard it, turned a blind eye, and continued to talk and laugh as they walked. The old man became anxious and shouted "D...

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes...

I now have Heinzsight.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I'm fine, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is long and I'm not sure if it's worth reading.

Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the
news – Mike is dead?’
‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’
‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang
– he hit the pavement...

Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers…..

the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the clerics' reaction.

"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"

"Nothing," replied the waiter, "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."

A man and a woman are painfully flirting

The restaurant was practically empty, save for them. The man and the woman sat in silence, each waiting for the other to begin.

The man started.

"H-Hi." **Oh god, I sound like an idiot.**

"...Hi." *My Voice! Please come out!*

"So...uh...um...do w-weather?" **What is wrong...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two dudes with matching black eyes...

Two dudes with matching black eyes spot each other in a bar.

One man approaches the other and says, "I'll tell you my story if you tell me yours. How'd you get the black eye?"

The man responds, "It was a terrible mistake, really. I was trying to take the train to Pittsburgh this morni...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

A doctor accidentally prescribes his patient a laxative instead of a coughing syrup.

Three days later the patient comes for a check-up and the doctor asks: "Well? Are you still coughing?" The patient replies: "No, I am afraid to."

Why did the Jewish doctor accidentally perform a circumcision?

It was a Freudian snip

Three women die and end up at the entrance of heaven.

There, the three women meet the caretaker of heaven. He points out that there is only one rule in Heaven; do not step on the turtles. An odd rule but the women agree with a pinch of confusion. When they enter, the only thing they can see are turtles. Everywhere turtles. A croak croak here, a croak c...

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in yo...

TIFU by accidentally cheating on my wife at a BDSM convention with a woman who was wearing the same leather mask

Whoops, wrong sub

What did a tectonic plate say to another tectonic plate after they accidentally collided?

Sorry, my fault.



(I'm sure it's been said before, but I still giggled at that one)

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

I accidentally bought expired seasoning at the store

It was a bad thyme

Poker joke for you

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress:
Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the ta...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man get pulled over with his young son in the back seat.

The cop comes to the window.

"Sorry officer, I was rushing tog et home. My wife is throwing a dinner party for very important guests."

The cop writes him a ticket anyway, wishes him a good day and walks back to his patrol car. As he walks away, the dad mutters "Bastard."

The lit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.

She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”

“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”

He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for her mouth. He h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I stand here today, in the grave of my unborn children...

or in other words, I accidentally put on the cum sock.

If a vegan accidentally eats meat...

Do they break out in chives?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally lost my sex toy the other day.

It was a real pain in the ass finding it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally dropped my swear jar

About 700 motherfuckers escaped.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants.

But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.
Edit: Thanks for the karma, and damn Reddit is not shy about telling internet strangers they pooped in their pants.
Edit 2: Thank you kind stranger for giving me my first gold on a poop joke, I wouldn't have expected it any other...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally ejaculated on dolphin and now everybody's mad at me

as if I did it on porpoise.

I accidentally deleted an audiobook I was listening to

Now I’ll never hear the end of it

I tried telling my 4 year old nephew that it’s perfectly fine to accidentally poo your pants…

But he’s not buying it. In fact, he’s still making fun of me

I used to hate when I accidentally ate seeds

But recently, they've been growing on me.

What do you call it when you accidentally knock up your girlfriend?

A misconception

I accidentally bought too many art supplies

I'm having an excess stencil crisis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night

I felt sorry for the hypnotist I saw last night, he hypnotized 7 guys then he accidentally dropped the mic on his foot and yelled “FUCK ME”,
What happened next will haunt me for the rest of my life

My Roomba accidentally went out the front door, and the neighbourhood animals immediately started attacking it.

Nature abhors a vacuum.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target.

tldr, I'm covering for Gary this weekend.

A criminal was trying to hot-wire a car and accidentally electrocuted himself.

He got charged with battery.

TIL in 1974 Russians accidentally blew up their own submarine, thinking it was an enemy

Oops, wrong sub

A vendor selling ice from a street cart has a sign that says “Ise Stand.” “Mr. vendor, you seem to have accidentally confused the ‘c’ in ‘ice’ for an ‘s.’” The vendor replies, “I’m certain you are mistaken!” The next day, the vendor’s freshly repainted sign reads:

“Ice Stand, Corrected”

A woman was sobbing on the side of the street because she had accidentally locked her keys in her car,

a passing soldier saw this and assured her that he can help.

She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically it opens....... "That's so clever," the woman gasps. "How did you do it?"

"Easy," replies the s...

A parrot accidentally swallowed a viagara tablet and went berserk

He started humping everything he could lay his wings on .

The owner called the vet who said that the overheating could damage his brain so asked him to put the parrot in a freezer.

The owner somehow caught the parrot and forced into the freezer and forced it shut.

After 10 mins...

One time I was walking in the woods and accidentally stepped in some deer guts...

...it was just offal.

Did you hear about the guy who accidentally drank varnish and died? He had a terrible end...

But a beautiful finish

What do you smell if you (accidentally) burn a cat?

Purr-fume...

No cats were harmed in the making of this joke!

I filled out a form wrong and accidentally gave a patient a bag of the wrong blood type.

It was a Type-O

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

Did you hear about the musician who accidentally flattened the second note of their natural minor scale?

It was a phrygian slip.

I accidentally used the dog's shampoo this morning

I feel like a good boy.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.