UPJOKE
dramacatastropheeuripidesdisastercalamitymisfortunearistotletragicsufferinggriefbad lucksorrowaccidenthorrorincident

Donald Trump is visiting a school

In one class, he teaches the young students about a new word: 'tragedy'. Then, he asks them to use it in a sentence.

One brave girl raises her hand and offers, "If a school bus carrying 20 people drove off of a cliff and killed everyone in it, then that would be a tragedy."

"No," Tru...

A great tragedy befalls the USSR

At a Central Committee meeting dozens of high ranking officials were accidentally killed, poisoned with toxic mushrooms in their soup.
The investigation team arrives at the scene. It was horrific, some had scratched their throats deeply, other lay with foam at they mouth or bloodshot eyes.
Bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The tragedy of Robert the Rooster

Why did Robert the Rooster decide to kill himself? I'm talking about the rooster who worked 80 work weeks, who got up at the crack of dawn every morning, who had three divorces in his thirties, who is survived by his two estranged children, who had horrible credit, and who suffered from chronic acid...

Tragedy at the Guinness factory

One night, a woman answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

“Hello Paddy, where is my husband? He said he was going to the Guinness factory with you.”

Paddy shakes his head. “Ah, Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the factory, your...

Some call people dying from not vaccinating a needless tragedy…

I call it a Needle-less tragedy

The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes.

I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a Japanese man named Fuk

Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.

Tragedy struck however, upon finis...

Tragedy at the Guiness brewery

Paddy O Reilly works at the Guiness brewery, one day Mrs O Reilly gets a knock on the door, it's the manager.....he tells her there was a terrible accident and her husband drowned in a vat of Guiness.

She is devastated and finally manages to sob...please tell me he went quickly and didnt suf...

If comedy = tragedy + time, what's comedy + time?

A repost.

Trump asks what a tragedy is...

During one of his campaign trips, Donald Trump visits an elementary school and enters one of the classrooms. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks Mr. Trump if he would like to lead the discussion of the word “Tragedy.” So he asks the cla...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it that most women do in their daily lives but is considered a tragedy when Adolf Hitler did?

Remove Polish using chemicals.

9/11 was a national tragedy.

So is 11/9.

The attack on Pearl Harbor will always be the 2nd worst tragedy to happen on American soil on December 7th.

The first being my birth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Escalade with four Nazis crashed off a cliff. The news is calling it a tragedy.

Because a Escalade holds eight.

The tragedy of Canada

The tragedy of Canada is that they had the opportunity to have British culture, French cuisine, and American technology. Instead, they developed British cuisine, American culture, and French technology.

Luckily, after contracting COVID 19, Donald Trump got back to full health. It would be a huge tragedy for the whole world to lose him...

...before he did his time.

Have you ever heard the tragedy of Darth Plagueis, the wise?

I thought not. It's not a story the Jedi would tell you. It's a Sith legend. Darth Plagueis was a Dark Lord of the Sith, so powerful and so wise he could use the Force to influence the midichlorians to create life. He had such a knowledge of the dark side that he could even keep the ones he cared ab...

Two american jewish men send their sons to Jerusalem to learn about their culture.

A year later the two are having a chat:

-- I am so disappointed in my son, I don't know what to do... Once he returned, he claimed to have become christian!

-- My son as well, this is a tragedy.

-- We should go see our Rabbi, maybe he can guide us.

The two then visit the...

A tragedy in the Mystic town

The Mystic town is populated by the human powers, who oddly look like big canisters with labels on them, and is divided into two parts by a huge road. One side of the road is for "General Powers", where guys like Strength, Speed and Agility live. The other one is "Other's" half, where Karma, Qi, Wil...

Jon Arbuckle and Garfield have a serious conversation…

After a particularly satisfying lasagna dinner, Garfield is feeling curious about his life and how he came to be.

“Jon, where did my name come from?”

Jon Arbuckle looks instantly sorrowful and begins to tear up.

“I wondered when you would ask me that, old pal,” he responds, soun...

Did you know that Chewbacca's brother Pannubacca died when Princess Leia's home planet was destroyed?

Pannub, as his friends called him, had never had much luck with the ladies and was horribly shy due to his terribly crooked teeth. After years of loneliness Pannub decided to do something about his problem and flew to Leia's planet, which everyone knows was well known for their excellent orthodontis...

What is Samuel L. Jackson's favorite Greek tragedy?

Oedipus Rex

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I used to think that my life was a tragedy...

But now I realized, it's a fucking comedy.

What’s the difference between a disaster and a tragedy?

A disaster would be if Donald Trump fell into a ditch.

A tragedy would be if someone pulled him out.

Asked My Parents if I was an accident

Mom: No, no, why would you think that?

Dad: It was a more of a tragedy, really.

Comedy = Tragedy + Time

Because every joke is a celebration that we're all still here to laugh about it. Here's to someday laughing at today's tragedies.

Tragedy in the Finger Kingdom occurred today.

Most of the Royal Family was murdered. The King, the Queen, and both of their daughters were killed during a Royal Feast.

Investigators were able to find and arrest the culprit quickly. Apparently, he didn't get rid of the Finger Prince.

What would be a tragedy?

One day, Donald Trump visited an elementary school, to tell the children about his success, and to show off his ‘intelligence’.
The schoolchildren were learning vocabulary, specifically the word ‘tragedy’, when the famous businessman stormed into the classroom.
Trump decided to help the childr...

A sad story of duty, conviction and love

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applican...

What was the biggest lesson learnt from the Titanic tragedy ?

Make icebergs smaller.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tragedy in the news today as the Energizer bunny was found dead

The cause of death was determined to be sexual exhaustion. Someone put his batteries in backwards, and instead of going and going, he kept coming and coming

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

church bulletin bloopers

*These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:*
--------------------------
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
--------------------------
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon tonight: 'Searching for ...

Tragedy in Poland

The worst air disaster in Poland's history occurred today when a two-seat Cessna 120 crashed into a cemetery.

So far 374 bodies have been found.

Polish search and rescue officials indicate that the number will probably rise as they continue to dig.

They say comedy is tragedy plus time.

I guess that means when I turn 40, I should be pretty goddamn funny.

Did you ever hear the tragedy of Mahatma Gandhi The Wise?

I thought not. It's not a story the British would tell you.

It's a Hindi legend. Gandhi was an Indian activist, so powerful and wise he could walk miles and miles without shoes, developing blisters on his feet. He had such a knowledge of resilience, he could even live through hunger strikes w...

What do you call a marijuana induced tragedy?

Blunt Trauma

Air tragedy in Newfoundland...

A two-seater single engine Cessna 152 crashed in foggy conditions near the Gander airport, crashing into the nearby cemetery.

Newfie rescue squads have recovered 385 bodies so far, and that number is expected to climb as digging continues.

Everytime there's a new hip hop tragedy, I always respond the same way...

Thots & Playahs

A terrible day at the golf course

John is playing golf with his wife. He gets to a difficult dogleg left par 5. But he is an avid golfer and has learned he can cut the corner by hitting his second shot over the barn the hole curves around. He hits a beautiful drive, but it goes further than normal and he is really close to the barn....

Why do hurricanes often have women's names?

They're wet and wild at first then after a while they end in tragedy often leaving men homeless!

My teacher asked me what a main feature of a greek tragedy was....

Apparently Bankruptcy was the wrong answer.

Did you hear about the tragedy in France?

I was very confused reading headlines saying, "Nice attack, 78 dead".

I was at the theatre seeing a tragedy and the man behind me started wailing.

I got hit in the head with a harpoon.

Difference between a tragedy and a disaster

A boy asks his dad the difference between tragedy and a disaster. The father answers "a tragedy is if we were on a boat and your mother falls off the boat into the water". "So what's a disaster" asks the boy, "if your mother knows how to swim" says the father.

Sorry for my poor English, this ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A single injury is a tragedy....

...a million injuries is just a sadistic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Remember Louis C.K.’s joke about how you can assess how bad a person is by how soon after a tragedy they first masturbate?

I wonder if he’s masturbating right now.

My ex-wife was born on Sept 11, which ending up being remembered for the national tragedy that happened that day.

And then fifteen years later the Twin Towers were destroyed.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law, unfortunately killing her instantly.

At the funeral service, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head "...

Did you hear about the tragedy at the Hipster company's work retreat?

There were several hundred casual tees.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnnys mother recently gave birth to his brother little jimmy

Now little johny is jealous of all the attention and the gifts that his new brother little Jimmy is getting from his parents and neighbors. Evil little johny decides to poison him

One night when his mother was sleeping, little johny took some poison and applied it to her breasts and lips so t...

Tension is when wife is pregnant! Terror is when girlfriend is pregnant!

Horror is when both are pregnant! Tragedy is when you are not responsible for either!

Epic Tragedy

Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help!
911: Alright, What is it?
Boy: Two girls are fighting over me!
911: So what's your emergency?
Boy: The ugly one is winning.

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

Quasimodo needs a vacation.

He goes to the Dean of the cathedral and asks for a leave. He’s told taking time off is OK if he will arrange for someone to take his place temporarily. So Quasimodo posts a job on LinkedIn for a bell ringer.
Several people respond but the best candidates were a pair of twins. They were quite eag...

Did you hear the news that Trump's personal library burnt down?

Unfortunately, both books were permanently destroyed.


Do you know the what the real tragedy is?
He didn't even finish colouring the second one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two friends go for a hike...

Two friends, Dave and Darren, go on an adventure hike which would last for months. Two months in they get a bit tired of each other and decide to split up for four days and rendezvous at a mutually known bar in a nearby town.

Four days later they meet up and are back in the groove. Dave goes...

Onions

There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening. Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Physics Professor says "Explain the Uncertainty Principle."

The student stand up. He says:

There's four nuns and they want to know about a penis so they ask the vicar and he says "Okay each of you have a feal."

Afterwards the first nun says: The penis is soft like the flowers in a meadow.

The second nun says: You are wrong my sister, ...

Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,...

"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash."

"No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ".

He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids die...

William Shakespeare died before completing the final act of his last play.

It was a real tragedy.

Johnny and Lorraine met when they where 18 years old

Through the years their relationship blossomed and evolved from friends to lovers to eventually that of a husband and wife.


Alas, as is often the case their relationship was heavily tested. 10 years after getting married to Lorraine, Johnny met a woman named Clearly and started develop...

It could've been worse.

## It could've been worse.

James is walking on a downtown street one day, and he happens to see his old high school friend, Harry, a little way up ahead. "Harry, Harry, how are you?" he greets his old buddy after getting his attention.

"Not so good," says Harry.

"Why, what happe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A President walks into a classroom.

In the classroom, they are discussing some words and what they mean.

The teacher asks the president to help them discuss the word "tragedy".

The president then chimes into their discussion, saying, "Alright class. Does anyone know what a tragedy is?"

A girl raises her hand and a...

Did y'all hear about the Italian chef that died?

He pasta way, but his legacy will become a pizza history. I'm sending olive my thought and prayers to his family. How sad that he ran out of thyme, here today gone tomato, we cannoli do so much. I never sausage a tragedy.

An optimist tries to cheer up his friend (long)

OK, this was way better in the original Russian, but I'm gonna give it my best shot in translation:

So these two guys have been best friends their whole lives, and did everything together--grew up in neighboring apartments, went to the same schools, went to the same university, even got marri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A painter falls into a tank and drowns

A painter was doing a contract for a brewing company to paint the brewing shop. He sets his ladder over this open tank filled with 3000L of beer.

He didn’t secure his ladder properly, and so it slips and he falls into this massive tank. Only one option, DRINK!! So he chugs and chugs trying t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Books Never Written

Hey guys, don't know if you're familiar with these kind of jokes, but they were my favorite growing up, so I thought I'd post a bunch of the here. They're pretty corny, but I hope you enjoy!

*Take A Breather* by Justin Hale

*How to Become Famous* by Anonymous

*Living Long* by Di...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couples dies in a car crash on the way to their wedding...

...they both end up in front of God, who welcomes them in Paradise.
- "Hello my children, it's a terrible thing that such a tragedy happened to you, but now you will be in a blissful happiness here, and forever !"
- "Well, the man responds, we would really like to get married anyway...is i...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.