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Catastrophe Jokes

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What is the difference between pain and a catastrophe?

Pain is when someone puts an umbrella up your ass.

Catastrophe is when they open it.

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender rema...

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A woman walks into the produce section of the supermarket

And asks the man stocking oranges, "Excuse me sir, where can I find the broccoli?"

The man replies, "I'm sorry ma'am, we're fresh out of broccoli but we'll have some tomorrow."

The woman walks away. Comes back a few minutes later, taps the man on the shoulder and says, "Where's the bro...

Reflections on the Jonestown massacre of 1978

As a society, we sometimes tell jokes about some of the most horrific events--mass murders, disasters, and so on. Often the jokes start within a day or two of the catastrophe, even before the dead can be counted. Perhaps we do it as a coping or healing mechanism, or perhaps it's our only extant type...

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The Book Report

The world’s cleverest student does the world’s funniest book report:-

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, ‘Titanic’ and ‘My Life’ by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

*...

Why aren't cats allowed in astrophysics

It'd be a catastrophe

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Got myself a trophy of a cat's butt.

It is a catastrophe.

Never combine a cat with an apostrophe.

It’ll be a catastrophe.

I made an award that looked like a cat's rear end, but nobody liked it.

It was a catastrophe.

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Good sex or bad sex?

Two women are talking:

“How was the sex last night?” one asks.

“A catastrophe! My husband came from work, had dinner in 3 minutes, after we had 4 minutes sex, he was deep sleep 2 minutes after! That fucker! And yours, How was it? “

”My, was AMAZING! My husband took me out for a...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN which turned out to be a catastrophe...

The only question asked was:
“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa most didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe most didn't know what "honest" meant.
<...

Why don't you want to win an award for Best Feline Sphincter?

Because it's a catastrophe :-)

Yeah, ok, I'll be going now.

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I can't believe there's now jewelry you can cover your cat's anus with?

It's a catastrophe.

There was a devastating earthquake in the Irish town of Llanfair Pwllgwyngyll.

Relief workers are still at work trying to figure out what was the town's name before the catastrophe.

If you hang the wrong side of a cat as a trophy on your wall

It would be a catastrophe

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What award did the cat who sniffed the most butts receive?

Catastrophe.

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Couldn't believe my eyes when I they gave me a plastic Garfield butt for winning an event at Comic-Con.

Absolute catastrophe!

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My kitten got a reward for having a fat ass

It was a catastrophe

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I recently enrolled my cat for beautiful butt competition

We won.

But everyone thinks it was a catastrophe!

I just dropped my award for feline rectal examinations and it smashed

It was a catastrophe

Blonde on a Galloping Steed

Standing beside a valiant stallion, a beautiful blond decides she must ride this animal despite having no previous riding experience.

Soon, she finds herself atop the horse's back, galloping through a lush green meadow.

The horse suddenly picks up speed and she finds herself euphoric...

Letting go of a loved one is hard...

But sometimes it's the only way to survive a rock climbing catastrophe.

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I commissioned a sculpture of my cats butt...

It was a catastrophe.

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Why wouldn’t any participants at the cat show accept the award for best groomed behind?

Because the prize was a catastrophe.

Read about a small accident involving young children digging up shiny rocks...

It was a minor miner, minor catastrophe.

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What’s the difference between a plane crash and cat shit?

One is a catastrophe. The other is a cat ass trophy.

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The asterisk was invented by someone seeing a cat's butt and thinking that it would make a great punctuation mark.

It was almost a catastrophe.

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My cat won an award for her butt.

It was a catastrophe.

meow. I'll purr my way out.

What do you call the award given to a feline with a nice rump?

A catastrophe

Did you know...

Did you know if someone killed all the cats in the world it would be a catastrophe!

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A guy is sorting shelves at a grocery store when

A guy is sorting shelves at a grocery store when a new old.lady approaches him and asks, "where's the broccoli?"

He says, "sorry we're out of broccoli"

She walks away and comes back ten minutes later and asks them same thing to the same guy.

He's a little confused but remains po...

There was a robbery at the pet store today

It was a dog-gone catastrophe.

Last year, kitty litter companies everywhere took part in a competition...

a competition for 'who could create the best cat litter'--suggesting there was a 'huge trophy' for first place, but it all went horribly wrong.

They should've known, though, after all the grand prize was just one massive catastrophe.

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Have you ever heard of the international feline butt scratching award? .

I hear it's a catastrophe

Cougar hunting

Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was
killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their
fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the
cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both
jumped up and shot ...

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I accidentally broke my cat's "best butt" award.

It was a catastrophe.

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There was a man working inside a green grocer...

We'll call him Paul.

One day, as Paul was stacking the shelves this lady walks up to him.

"Excuse me sir, but where is your broccoli?"

"Oh, Im sorry" Paul replied "We are all out of broccoli, but if you come back tomorrow we will have some then."

So the lady says okay an...

A friend of mine killed a lion on a safari....

...and instead of hanging the head on a mantle he hung its behind. He asked me what I think and I replied "I think it's a catastrophe."

A stockboy is stacking fruit on a display, when a lady asks "Do you have any blackberries? "

The stockboy replies "Sorry ma'am, we are out of blackberries, but we will be getting a shipment tomorrow morning"

The lady looks around some more. A few mins later she runs back to him asking where the blackberries are.

The stockboy confused about her mental state simply tells her "...

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You know how they say blondes are dumb?

A blonde walks into an ice cream shop

She's greeted by the cashier who says welcome to my ice cream shop we have almost every flavor you can think of but unfortunately we are out of all chocolate items including ice cream and toppings so what are you having today miss?

She replies can ...

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Fresh broccoli

A man walks into a grocery store and looks around the produce section for a bit, finally he finds a worker in produce and asks: "hello, I'm looking for the broccoli." The worker frowns and replies back, "I'm sorry, sir, but broccoli is out of season and we don't currently have it in stock. Can we in...

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Long but gold, Couldn’t find it posted before. Marked NSFW for swearing. But how on earth this man gunna get broccoli??

There’s a grocery store, with a giant sign first thing in the doors that says “no broccoli”.

A man walks into this grocery store, walks up to the counter and says “hey man, you got any broccoli?”
The cashier looks at him and says “nah man we have no broccoli, sign out front says no brocco...

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Scientific experiment (Russian joke, translated)

Three scientists decided to see what will happen if they plug elephant's ass and feed him heavily for 1 month. After first two weeks however they realised that it might be kinda dangerous to pull the plug out so they trained a lab monkey to do it. A month have passed and it was time to see the resul...

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Shopping

A woman is shopping in the produce department. She approaches the clerk. Excuse me, but where is the broccoli? She asks. He says, sorry, we are out of broccoli. Come back tomorrow. The woman continues shopping, but approaches the clerk again a few minutes later. I need broccoli. Where is it? Ma’am, ...

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Broccoli Joke

A young man was working at a grocery store, stocking shelves, when a woman approached him and asked where the broccoli was. He nicely replied, "We actually just ran out ma'am but we'll have some in first thing tomorrow." The woman thanked him and left.

About ten minutes later she returned an...

Have I ever told you about the Monk living on the hill and the tiny pickle in a jar?

Once upon a time there was a Monk who lived on a hill. He lived a simple life and was quite content, nothing out of the ordinary ever seemed to happen in his life. However, one day as he was settling down to watch his favourite shows with a mug of hot cocoa, he saw on the weather channel that a horr...

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