4th Of July Jokes

The only time of the year Americans say the day and month in the correct order.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

That absolutely no one is going to watch the videos of the fireworks you recorded on your phone

Fire works on the 4th of July, though.

Both really get going just after dark, start with a spark, and end with a bang.

In Depends Day.

I just blow ‘em off

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "How was your 4th of July picnic?" the bartender asks. "Horrible. Everyone came down with food poisoning," the guy replies. "I knew the hot dogs might have gone bad, but turns out the brats were the wurst."

Now they feel like they dodged a bullet.

Yeah… right after the 3rd of July.

A White Russian. Nothing is more American then a Russian helping you to make poor choices.

So, it's the 4th of July night and all the dead presidents are gathered around a campfire having a party. They're drinking and eating and just generally having a grand ol' time when President Washington puts President Lincoln on the spot.

W: "Hey, heyyyy, Lincoln, do that thing you do!
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In *da* pendent

They go Sky Diving!

Yes they do, and a July 5th and a July 6th.

We have Rednecks and Hillbillies too!

It will be a monumental disaster.

This Independence Day, please remember it's not "firecracker," that term is very offensive to some people. It's "fire-caucasian." Thank you.

...really sweetened up the fruit salad.

And now my friends say they don't trust me. They say they can't count on me.

The day the average IQ of the British Empire jumped 100 points with a single signature.

So this all started with Abraham Drinkin.

Help us come up with more. It has to be a character from American History to celebrate today as well as some sort of alcohol theme.

Here's what we have so far (some are better than others) :

Abraham Drinkin

John Wilkes Booze
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And we even get it first!

British people say that we as Americans go overboard with the 4th of July.

When really the only thing that went overboard was their tea

That the British blew a 13 colony lead

The wrong firework.

Santa Claus gives notes with his presents... Uncle Sam takes note of your presence.

Now it is truly independent

Just like the children of Kabul.

M-80.


Happy 4th of July!

When I was young we had gotten a new car, and I loved that car. I loved sitting in the back seat, I loved sitting in the front seat. I loved getting to wash it, and go on road trips in it. I even named her, I called her Betsy.
We bought Betsy on the 4th of July, and every year I thought everyone... read more

What did the ghost say to his friend on the 4th of July?

Red, white, Boooo!!

If the 4th of July is independence Day, why isn't 17th February Shawshank redemption day? It was a much better film.

That after 200 years, a yogurt can actually build a community.

Haha, happy late 4th of July.

I was asked to announce the 4th of July parade in my small hometown. Was wondering if anyone here has been at a parade and heard something funny.

The only thing to work off of right now is that Josh Duhmel is announcing the 4th of July parade in a larger town about 20 minutes away.

T... read more

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.