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Finally, I’m no longer a 40 year old virgin.

I just turned 41.

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The 40 year old virgin.

John was 40 years old, but still a virgin. He tried everything possible to get laid, but to no avail. So as a last resort, he decided to pray to the angels up in heaven.

He made it a habit of praying, before going to bed.10 years passed and on his 50th birthday, an angel appeared before him ...

Since COVID-19, I have the body of a 50 year old, the brain of a 40 year old and the heart of a 25 year old.

All tucked away nicely in my freezer!

The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town

I guess she was having a midwife crisis

A 40 year old man asked the Trainer in the Gym, 'I want to Impress Beautiful Girls, which Machine should I use?'

The Trainer replied, 'Outside the Gym, there is an ATM. Try that'

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Why does everyone assume that just because I’m a 40 year old loser that I live in my parent’s basement?

My parents don’t have a basement. I live in my bedroom like a big boy.

Wife: “do I really look like a 40 year Old woman?”

Husband: “Honey, no! - not at all! - not anymore”

Being a 40 year old man, people started scolding me when I took out my 18 year old girlfriend for dinner

I got called all sorts: creep, perv etc. I have to say, it really ruined our 10th anniversary together

Recent studies suggest that subversion of expectations is the most effective type of humor among 13 - 40 year olds.

TIL

As a fat, single, 40 year old man, I've been to alot of strip clubs.

Too bad I haven't made much money.

A 40 year old couple are hiking in the woods

... They eventually stumble upon Santa Claus. "I will grant you one wish each!" Santa told them. "I want a new car!" The man said, "I want a new TV!" the woman said. Santa Claus, with a smile on his face ".. But on one condition". "and what's that?" the man said, already confused with the encounter....

What's the difference between a 4 year girl and a 40 year old woman?

A 4 year old's favorite toy is a rubber body without any genitals. A 40 year old's favorite toy is a rubber genital without any body.

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How do 40 year old virgins type their spreadsheets?

Incels.

A 40 year old lawyer who has been practicing since he was 25 dies and arrives at heaven

The lawyer says to God:

“There must be some mistake, I am only 40 years old, and that is far too young to die”

God decided to consult his records.

“That’s funny,” God says “when we added up all your billing records, you should be at least 80 years old by now”

What did the 40 year old pregnant lady say when her husband asked her "why are you so upset"

"I'm having a midwife crisis"

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A 40 year old man went go to take a prostate exam...

As the nervous man walked into the doctor's office, the male doctor told him to "relax everything will be quick". The man of course was hesitant, but agreed. The doctor said "sir I will count to 3 and then I want you to breathe in at 3, then I will enter the rectum". The man again was hesitant, but ...

The ugly 40 year old florist next door is quitting her job

She wants to be deflowered

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3 men die and go to Heaven

3 men die and go to Heaven. St Peter meets them and starts reviewing their files.

He starts talking to the first guy: “I see that you lived a good life, but you cheated on your wife 30 times. That’s not very good, but not bad enough to send you to hell. So you can stay in heaven, but you’ll h...

A 40 year old man goes to buy a car....

and all he can afford is a base model civic.

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Adoption agencies are sexist. Women adopt babies all the time and no one cares...

But a 40 year old man asks to adopt a 16 year old and suddenly you need to leave the premises immediately.

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There was an eighty year old man who went to the doctor for his annual checkup, and when the doctor finished checking him over, he was amazed and said

“Sir, you have the body of a 40 year old, and the physique of a 20 year old; tell me, what’s your secret.”

The old man replies “Well I have a very good relationship with the lord, so much so, that when I go to the bathroom at night he turns the light on for me.”

Now the doctor was just...

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A woman went to get a physical for her 40th birthday...

When she got home, she was telling her turd of a husband how it went. “The doctor said I was in great shape. As a matter of fact, he said I have the breasts of a 20 year old. “
“Oh yeah?” Said her grumpy husband-“what he say about your 40 year old ass?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.

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3 generations of prostitutes are standing on a corner one day discussing life.

The 19 year old prostitute says “Man what a rough day! I only got $20 for giving a blowjob!”

To which the 40 year old prostitute replies “20?! Back in my day we only got $5!”

The 80 year old prostitute scoffs and says “You kids got it easy with blow jobs today. Back in my day we were j...

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Rumor has it that a movie about Reddit was recently scrapped

Apparently there was already a movie called "The 40 Year Old Virgin"

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We often wish our lives were more like a movie

I just wish mine was a little less like "The 40 Year Old Virgin"

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I dated a ventriloquist when I was 12.

It was consensual. For a 40 year old, that guy knew what the good candy was. Only problem was, he was a real bullshitter. Always talking out my ass.

What do McDonald's and priests have in common?

40 year old meat in 10 year old buns.

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The Dishes

Long one so get ready..

A young guy goes to purchase an old motorcycle from an old timer. When he arrives he's floored at how clean and spotless the bike is. It's flawless. He asks the old gentleman how he has kept this 40 year old bike in such great condition. Just then it starts to drizzle ...

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The man knows his scotch!

A man walks into a bar and asks for 40 year old scotch whisky.

The bartender says "I'll see what I can find in the back"
He emerges from the back only a few minutes later with a glass and gives it to the man. He takes a sip and, "I asked for 40 year old whisky. This is only 12 year old."...

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A son tells his dad,

"Dad! There's a mockingbird on the roof."
"How do you know it's a mockingbird?" The Dad asks.
The son responds, "Because it said 'Look at me I'm a dumb 40 year old living in my parents basement'"

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