A cop stops a Harley for travelling faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name

'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a
break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then
presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that h...

When I was growing up, my dad always used to tell me, "The sky is the limit"

He was never supportive of my dreams of becoming an astronaut.

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I remember when bandwidth was so bad, your porn was limited to downloading compressed folders of images over modems.

Sigh... * unzips *


Note: if this joke hasn't been made before, y'all are slacking. ;)

Speed Limit

A police officer stops a minivan full of elderly ladies being driven by an old gentleman because they're only going 25mph, stopping mid-day traffic. The policeman asks the driver as to why he was going so slow?

"Well that's the speed limit isn't it ! There was a sign saying 25 and everything ...

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Do you know why the speed limit for sex is 68?

Because if you do any more you're gonna eat it.

The human hand has a limit of how long - from wrist to fingertips - it can grow to of 11 inches...

... because if it’s longer than this, it’s a foot.

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This asshole thought that just because some fancy, expensive vehicle, he could go as fast as he wanted and weave inbetween cars. So I got in front of him and slowed down to 10kmph below the speed limit lmao

Fuckin ambulances I swear

Did you hear about Ben & Jerry’s new limited edition Ice Cream flavor?

Peach Mint.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer and so on and so forth. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."

“Take One” signs are like the speed limit

You can go about ten over before you get in trouble

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

A man is travelling down a desert road when he sees a sign saying "SPEED LIMIT 40". He lowers his speed to 40 MPH.

Half an hour later, he sees one with the words "SPEED LIMIT 20", so he goes down to 20 MPH.

Another half an hour passes, and he sees a sign with the words "SPEED LIMIT 10". Surprised, he slows down to 10 MPH.

After an hour, he sees a sign saying "WELCOME TO SPEED LIMIT!".

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks....

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A warning to all.

Be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas. Quite rightly, police are out checking on people.

Last night I went our for a few drinks. Cocktails, then wine. (Not a good idea).

However, knowing I was over the limit, I took the bus back home.

We passed a po...

Why does death exist?

To enforce term limits on politicians.

I just spent $100 on a limited edition DVD of Star Trek 2

Turns out the seller was a Kahn man

You have to wonder about the people who go 10 miles below the speed limit.

How did they get so far underground?

What is the speed limit for luggage at the airport?

Terminal velocity.

When I was little, I cried when my parents told me the sky was the limit...

I wanted to be an astronaut.

An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.

He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.

"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."

"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. ...

I had someone tailgate me when I was going 10 over the speed limit in the fast lane.

So I got in the slower lane and he continued to tailgate me! He looked so ridiculous with those flashing lights and that annoying siren.

A policeman stops a woman for driving over the speed limit.

A policeman stops a woman for driving over the speed limit. The policeman approaches the window and the woman says to the cop:”I thought that you didn’t give ticket to pretty women”

The policeman answers:”Actually, we don’t. So sign here please.”

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A man loves to duck hunt one night his wife asks to go with him the next day

He told her she could. The next morning he wakes up gets the dog, grabs the guns and the decoys and wakes her up. She looks at the clock, sees it’s 3:45 and tells him she’s going back to sleep. He says “you have 3 choices. You give me a BJ, you let me put it in your ass, or you’re going hunting. She...

A priest was caught going 50km/h over the speed limit

The officer approached the car and smelled alcohol.

"Father have you been drinking?" He asked.

The priest replied "Jesus Christ, he did it again!"

Blackwall Tunnel has been closed and why the speed limit has been reduced:

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the Blackwall Tunnel approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death a...

Some sucker in a fancy car with blaring sound thought he could do whatever he wanted on the road

He went THROUGH red lights, was speeding up wayy over the limit and weaving through cars. I decided to take justice into my hands and speed to infront of him then drop below the limit.

Fkn ambulances i swear..

Did you know there is a limit of 239 beans in a can of beans?

Adding 1 more would make it 2 Farty.

Robert Mugabe, Donald Trump and Boris Johnson are in a crashing aircraft.

The problem is, there's only one parachute. So Boris says, "Look here chaps, we're all democracies. Why don't we just vote on who gets the parachute?" Donald and Boris agree, and, even though they have limited time, they decide on a ballot system.

They all cast their votes, then Robert opens ...

so a guy is speeding down a freeway, miles above the speed limit, and a cop pulls him over.

he comes up to the man and asks, "why were you speeding today sir?" the man replies, "i'm a juggler in a circus, and i'm late for my next show. i apologize. i assume you'll be needing my license and registration."

the cop looks intrigued, and says "whoa, hold on a sec. my daughter loves juggl...

What’s the easiest way to limit overpopulation.

Change the the caption from “please do not try this at home” to “please try this at home”

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I heard that Fortnite put a limit of three outfits for players in Isreal.

Jews aren't allowed to have four skins.

A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car.

A blonde was driving faster than the speed limit in her new red car. A police officer, who was also a blonde, asked for the blondes license.

The blonde searches through her purse and gets more frustrated when she finally asks the officer "what does it look like?"

The officer says "it...

The difference between stupidity and genius is that

genius has its limits.

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Redditors: please be careful this holiday season

Last night, I went to a Christmas party. I had a few beers, then a few cocktails, then a few shots ... I still had the sense to know I was over the limit. That’s when I decided to do why I have never done before: *I took a cab*. Sure enough, there was a police DUI checkpoint on the way home, and sin...

An officer pulls over a man and a woman for driving their late-model Mercedes coupe 20 miles per hour over the posted speed limit.

The officer approaches the car, seeing an affluent-looking late-50s gentleman behind the wheel and a striking woman at least 20 years younger—and bearing a diamond on her left ring finger worth at least a year of the officer's salary—in the passenger seat.

"I stopped you because you were goin...

A large sinkhole opens up on a small town road.

Many people fall into it and get hurt and it's difficult to get them all to the hospital.

The mayor gathers the city council to figure out a solution. The smartest city councilor suggests they park an ambulance next to the hole to get people to the hospital faster. The rest unanimously agree....

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My Uncle got pulled over by a motorcycle cop for going 25mph over the limit

The cop storms up to the drivers window and yells “GIVE ME ONE REASON WHY I SHOULDNT HAUL YOUR ASS TO JAIL RIGHT NOW!!” My uncle replies “Cause id look pretty stupid on the back of your bike.”

A man walks into a Brothel

A man walks into a brothel and asks the receptionist to sort him out a woman, she tells him where to go and what to pay and he goes ahead with it.

Half an hour later he comes out fustrated.

"How was your experience?" The receptionist asked

"It was okay but shes a little fridgit,...

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Dear Tech Support...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 then uninstalled many other val...

Donald Trump is with his driver and he is on the way to an important meeting. He's running a bit late.

Trump: can you please speed up a little, the meeting will start shortly and we're quite far away
The driver : I can't really Mr President, I am sticking to the limit. Also, we're in the middle of the city and the roads look quite busy. I don't want to put people's safety at risk.
Trump : I kn...

A blonde lady drives a Ferrari on the motorway with 19 km/h

She’s pulled over and the police officer asks why she’s driving so slowly.

She says because A19 is displayed everywhere. To which the cop remarks that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.

Then he asks why the passenger looks so pale and unwell.

She responds: I have n...

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A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:


"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus from Amazon that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

Bored at work so I wrote my first joke. It’s extremely dumb but maybe it’ll make someone laugh.

An extremely wealthy family owned countless successful companies, bought out competitors and even purchased new ventures if they looked promising enough. Nothing was too big or small, and nothing was off limits.

The family consisted of a mother (Linda), father (Robert) and 3 sons (Robert Jr.,...

The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve.

It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.

But Officer...

One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Trooper sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car...

Why do calculus teachers hate the Final Fantasy games?

The characters keep breaking their limits.

Due to growing environmentalist concerns, Germany and Austria decided to limit the amount of ores and minerals they were extracting from the ground.

They said, "Mine fewer!"

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I'm done. Guys, I'm fucking sick of this. I'm almost 20 and haven't been able to score a better job than a fucking cook at a local fast food joint.

What makes it worse is that I live in a small town, so business is pretty limited and where I work is the only place that'll hire high school graduates.

I'd get the hell out of this town if I could actually drive too, but I've failed every damn test I've ever taken.

I'm socially awkwa...

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Old man Richard goes to bed

As Richard closed his eyes and dozed off, he suddenly found himself standing in front Heaven's Gates. Stunned in disbelief, Richard approaches Saint Peter in a panic.

"St. Peter! What happened, why am I in Heaven?"

"Well Richard, you've passed away in your sleep. From now on, the Gates...

So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar...

The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music.

After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause.

The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says, "Bu...

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Gruesome deaths

Three men go to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter tells them that heaven is currently overloading, and only people who have had particularly gruesome or sad deaths may enter. He then proceeds to ask the first man how he died.

"Well, it's a really weird story. I came home from work early because...

I try to limit how often I make homeopathy jokes

That just makes them stronger.

President Trump announces plan to limit Highway Speed Limit of 55 Miles per Hour

He wants to Make America Late Again

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A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.

The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways.




The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could b...

A Man Buys a New Corvette

While driving it off the lot he decides to take it on the highway and really open things up. He hits the speed limit of 70MPH and continues to accelerate. 75MPH... 80MPH.... and out of nowhere a siren and the flashing lights of a patrol car come into view of his rear-view mirror. Thinking his new ca...

A man was going to Hawaii on a business trip...

A man was going to Hawaii on a business trip.

His wife, a little jealous, though jokingly, said, “You’re so lucky, I love Hawaii. Put me in your suitcase and take me with you!”

The man replied, “Don’t you know there’s a weight limit?”

Aladdin and his monkey, Abu, find a magic lamp.

The genie emerges and offers three wishes. Aladdin laments, “I’m just a poor lonely thief. My only friend is my monkey Abu here. I wish I could cover my eyes with my hands and when I uncover them, a new friend would appear.”

The genie says, “It is granted,” and Aladdin tries it out. He covers...

The best thing about the 80 mph speed limit in Idaho?

Makes it so much easier to leave

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THREE DEAD MEN

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Du...

I asked my Dad what I could be when I'm older and he told me "The sky is the limit".

It really upset me because I've always wanted to be an astronaut.

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A car is speeding on the highway going insanely over the speed limit...

A cop spots the car and proceeds to chase him. Eventually he catches up with him and pulls him over. The cop goes to the driver's window and asks 'License and registration please?' The guy says: 'I don't have any, this is a stolen car.' The cop says: 'Let me see the glove compartment' and the guy sa...

Kid flys by a sitting cop car in excess of the speed limit.

Of course the cop chases him and stops him. With a big grin on his face the cop says I've been waiting for you all morning.
And the kid says, " well I got here as fast as I could."

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I was in the shower tonight and my wife told me that I’m like a Tesla

Sexy as hell but overpriced and have a limited range

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

I once saw a sign that said "Speed limit enforced by aircraft."

I'm pretty sure if you're getting pulled over by an F-16, you deserve to be driving that fast.

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as “Lawyer,” and the party of the second part, also known as “Light Bulb,” do hereby and forthwith agree t...

The pope was visiting New York

His visit in the states had lasted for days and he had become tired of being chauffeured around from one event to another the whole time.

"Tell you what. I really miss driving" he said to his driver and they agreed to swap seats so the pope would drive and the driver would sit in the back....

A cop pulls over a couple in a convertible for going way below the speed limit on a highway.

Cop: Are you aware that you were going 17 in a 60 zone?

Driver: No officer, the sign says 17 right there.

Cop: Sir, that's the route sign.

At this point the cop notices that the lady in the passenger seat is frozen in fear, staring forward, and her hair is a mess.

Cop: ...

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My pubic hair trimming business will limit itself to female customers for the first few months.

I'm new to this, so I don't want to go nuts right away.

How do you get a Russian to the legal alcohol limit?

Sober him up for a week or two.

A guy with his wife gets pulled over

Cop: Did you know that your left taillight was out.

Man: No I didn't know sir, thank you for telling me

Wife: Stop lying, that light has been out for almost a year

Cop: Is this true.

Man: No, my wife is a little crazy.

Cop: Also, you were going over the speed limit...

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

Bag limit.

A guy was on his boat fishing in a pond and caught way over the bag limit. He was heading back to the dock when the game warden stopped him and asked to check what he caught. The warden opens the fishermen's cooler and sees that the guy has surpassed his limit by about 20 fish. The warden tells the ...

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What did the cop say to the cat going over the speed limit?

That's a fine, pussy.

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician are given the task to contain the largest amount of area with a limited amount of fence.

The physicist designs a square fence, showing that a square contains the most area.

The Engineer then designs a circular fence, showing that the area to circumference ratio is better than a square.

The mathematician think for a moment, then starts building a tiny fence around himself. ...

A man was joyriding with his new Mercedes

A man was Joyriding with his new Mercedes.
He was driving well above the speed limit when he saw the lightshow of a cop behind him.

He started driving faster, sure that he could outrun the cop but the cop kept up.

Eventually he gave up and pulled over.
The cop came up to his wind...

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There were two men in a car going way over the speed limit...

A cop caught up with them and pulled them over. He walked up to the driver side window and asked, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The driver decided to play dumb and replied, "Gee, I was too busy concentrating on the road to check."

The cop, not in the mood for any attitude, ...

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A vulture walks into a plane carrying two dead raccoons.

The stewardess looked at him and said, “I’m sorry sir, but we have a strict limit of one carrion per passenger.”

Story about Kenny Loggins

Was reading this story today about Top Gun, and found another story about Kenny Loggins. Apparently he was part of a recent program to clone musicians and artists, to isolate and modify the genes responsible for creativity. There was a limit of the number of clones that could be created, and at one ...

Whenever I used to feel sad for any failure, my dad would tell me..

"Don't worry son, keep trying. Sky is the limit for you."

I will never forgive the old man for ruining my chances of becoming an astronaut.

A man finally decides to give contact lenses a try...

An Ontario man finally decides to get rid of his glasses and give contact lenses a try. He gets them in the mail, tries them on and is astounded at the results. To celebrate, he decides to take a long drive into Quebec to admire the changing leaves.

He crosses the border and gets very excited...

The CIA is testing recruits

Out of more than 300 who aspired to become elite special agents only three made it to the final test: Two men and a woman. During weeks in which they reached and exceeded physical and psychological limits they proved time and time again that they are better than all others. Now, they are facing the ...

Humans are like the McRib...

We’re only here for a limited time and we SUCK.

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Which organ in your body is in charge?

A long time ago, all the organs in a human body got into an argument, as to who should be in charge of the body, who is the most necessary one.

The brain said "I am obviously the one! I make all the decisions!"
The stomach replied "Well I feed the entire body! That is the most important ...

A cop pulls a motorist over on the highway

"Do you know your lights are out?" asks the police officer.

"Yup," answers the driver. "But I don't care."

"And do you know how fast you were going?"

"Oh, probably about 20 miles over the limit."

"Can I see your license, sir?"

"I don't have one."

"Well, wel...

Say what you will about Jeffrey Epstein,

he always drove slower than the speed limit around schools.

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