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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

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A prostitute said I could have sex with her for a reduced rate of $20.00 because she didn't have a womb. Intrigued, I asked how we would do it.

She said "Acwoss the woad against those wailings"

Blackwall Tunnel has been closed and why the speed limit has been reduced:

The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the Blackwall Tunnel approach recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death a...

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Man wants his penis size reduced

A man with a 50 inch penis went to a doctor, and asked: "Doctor, is there anything you can do about...this...thing?"

The docor gave him a brochure for plastic surgery, but the man quickly put it away and said: "Sorry, but isn't there another way? I'm really afraid of surgeries."

"Well,...

It was so hot in Phoenix, the entire city burned to ground was reduced to ashes

Dont worry, it came right back up the next morning.

Everything can be reduced to a fart joke ...

Even physics:

We know that everything on earth falls at the same rate of acceleration, 32 feet per second per second. The difference comes down to mass and wind resistance, as shown by a flat piece of paper and one balled up. This means that the determining factor in your total decent is how...

I reduced the crime rate by 52%.

But it cost 13%...

Baby Boomers grow up around a lot of lead paint. Lead paint causes long term mental effects like antisocial behavior, short attention span, and reduced brain development.

And there we have explained Donald Trump

My Math Professor Told Us This Joke Today.

A mathematician had a change of heart and decided to embark on a career change to become a fire fighter. He walks into a fire station, approaches the supervisor and demands to be hired.

Even though there were positions open, the supervisor doesn't consider the mathematician very practical and...

One day, a doctor goes on a boat tour in rural Asia.

After a while, the doctor asks the tour leader, "Can you do maths?" the tour leader says, "No I can't, actually." the doctor replies, "Well, your life expectancy is reduced by a quarter.

Later the doctor asks again, "Do you understand science?" the tour leader again says no. The doctor says,...

Haggling over a pricing structure with Dwayne Johnson

Dwayne Johnson recently came to the arts and crafts store I own looking to buy equipment for the wardrobe department for his latest movie. He asked if we could quickly fill a large order of cloth-cutting shears. I told him yes, but given the rush, we couldn't offer a bulk discount. For the next h...

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A college teacher reminds her class of the next day’s final exam.

“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and ask...

Why do bad break-dancers get reduced prison sentences?

Time served

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A man with a horrible stutter goes to the Dr. to see if there's a way to fix it...

Because of his stutter, Mr. Smith was painfully shy, and only communicated using gestures and notes. After reading his note explaining his problem, the doctor gave him a thorough examination, and returned to discuss his diagnosis with him.


"Well, Mr. Smith, the problem seems to be that y...

A guy goes on a dating show where he has to whittle down 30 girls to 1.

After a few rounds he has reduced 30 down to 5. Ann, Kira, Gee, Beth and Kaitlin still remain.

"OK ladies and gentlemen, we have five contestants remaining", announces the presenter, "you have a tough choice to make. Which one of these lovely girls will you take home tonight?"

Theres ...

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A woman in a hot...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below. She descended a bit more and shouted: "'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am". The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hove...

In a city, not so long ago, there was a collective of friars.

These friars decided to come to this city to spread their religion by buying a church. This church was old (the only church the city had for sale, really), but the friars didn't care. They put on some of that good ol' elbow grease and got it looking good again. Once their church was as ready as can ...

Plane engine emergency

While on a flight the captain makes an announcement "Ladies and gentlemen we have had to turn off engine 1 and reduced speed. We will be delayed by 1 hour". A few minutes later the captain makes another announcement "Ladies and gentlemen we have had to turn off engine 2 and reduced speed, we will be...

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The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

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A nun is doing her rounds around town. . .

. . .when she turns the corner near a bar, only to collide with a mean-looking, stumbling drunk. The drunk flies into a rage, and punches her in the face. He then kicks her square in the gut, and begins to brutally pummel her head and face as she doubles over.

Within a minute, she is reduced ...

We made learning so much easier for the younger generation.

They now have schools with smart devices, digital textbooks, and online courses.

We even reduced the planets down to eight.

Two nails

A mathematician is tasked with removing two nails from a wall. One of the nails has been hammered all the way into the wall, the other only halfway. The mathematician thinks the nail that's completely embedded looks like a more interesting challenge and starts working on that one. Using tongs, a cro...

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The boy with the 25 inches long penis ...

The boy with the 25 inches long penis decided that he had had way too much. He was now fed up of being the subject of constant jokes of his friends, relatives and many-a-times, complete strangers.

There was a time when he was proud of his unusually long penis, thinking of it as an indicat...

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A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a tall building and has a seat on an empty stool next to a guy with glasses. Our guy orders a beer, looks to his barstool neighbor and makes eye contact, lifts his pint in a silent toast, and enjoys a healthy swig.

"You know," interrupts the guy with...

A mathematician was interviewing for a job.

The interviewer asks him - "You are walking towards your office and running late for a very important meeting and you glimpse a building on fire with people screaming for help. What will you do?".
The mathematician thinks for a while and replies : "People's lives are more important than an office...

A man found a mole on his arm one day.

He'd never seen it before, but he wasn't the most attentive person, so he let it alone. A week passed. Eventually, that mole began to grow, and seemed to bleed into the skin around it. The man asked his wife about it, and she said he should probably get it checked out, but he ignored the advice, ass...

Math Joke

23. There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living.  They went to
see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem solving skills.
 He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty.  He put each man in a room
with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table.  He ...

A math joke

A mathematician quits his job at a major university to pursue work as a firefighter. At his local fire station, the firefighters are impressed with the mathematician's resume and ask him a few questions.

"What do you do if you pass a Dumpster, and it's on fire?"

The mathematician respo...

**Long** A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer...

So, these three are in a hotel. The engineer is woken up in the middle of the night by a fire. He grabs an extinguisher, and puts out the fire, then goes back to sleep.

Later, the physicist is woken up for the same reason. He does some quick calculations, and dumps the precise amount of water...

The mathematician's interview

A mathematician is interviewing for a prestigious job. To make sure he has the right morals, the interviewer gives him the following situation:

"You're late for a meeting, when you come across a burning house, a fire hydrant, and a fire hose lying across the street. What do you do?"

...

Probability theory

Probability theory is probably the least understood area by the general population (except for certain gamblers). As a simple example, consider the History Professor friend of mine who was scared of flying and asked me one day: "What is the probability that there will be a bomb on an airplane?" I re...

A man walks into the doctor's office...

Doctor: "Thanks for meeting with me, James. I've run some tests and it's not looking good."

James: "Oh."

Doctor: "You're on a path of self-destruction. The constant alcohol and tobacco abuse has taken a serious toll on your health. You *need* to cut back or your lifespan will be greatl...

Today I overheard a duck arguing with a plastic surgeon about money

Apparently he was trying to get his bill reduced.

Tim the Conductor

Once upon a time there was a train conductor named Tim. Tim greatly enjoyed conducting his train around every day, and even though he had relatively poor pay, all was well in Tim's world. There was only one issue; Tim was a flat out *awful* conductor. He reduced the overall efficiency of all of the ...

Tourist mementos.

Artifacts and gifts for tourists are a major portion of an Indian reservation's economy.

Thousands of visitors tour reservations each year and will not leave without purchasing at least one memento of traditional Indian culture.

One enterprising Native American was able to outsell all ...

A true story about the time I got caught speeding

This is the story of the time I was pulled over for doing almost 70 in a construction area, where the speed limit had been reduced to 55.

So I pulled over right away because I'm white and a man with a mustache that only a cop would grow, swung a leg dramatically over his motorcycle and walke...

Engineer, Physicist and Mathematician

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in their respective hotel rooms when a problem with the hotel's electrical system causes sparks to fly from the sockets and catch fire to the wastepaper basket.

The engineer wakes up from the alarm, sees what is going on and runs to ...

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Voodoo Dick.

A man was going to go off on a business trip for two weeks. Not wanting to leave his wife wanting, he decided to get something to keep her "satisfied".

He spotted an adult store and decided to check it out. Walking around the store, he saw all sorts of toys and gadgets of pleasure. Dildos ...

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Two drug peddlers are arrested and produced in court..

Judge promises them reduced sentences if they can do some substantial community work in one week. After a week, they again appear before the judge.

Judge: Tell me young men. what have u done in last one week for the society ?

Criminal 1: I convinced 20 hardcore addicts to give up drugs...

The wooly miner

A wealthy couple's anniversary is coming up and the wife is having a hard time finding a present for her husband because he already has everything he has ever wanted.

So she's walking down the street and decides to go into a pet store in search of a suitable present. After looking around for ...

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A man goes to the doctor

A man goes to his doctor and says "*Doc, I've always had this really high pitched voice, I don't know why, but I think it's the reason I'm not taken seriously at work, can you help me*"
The doctor tells him he can help if he can determine the cause, and he'll have to give him a physical. ...

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So a man is at a fancy restaurant, and he needs to use the bathroom...

...so he pulls the waiter aside and asks to use the bathroom.

"I am sorry, sir," the waiter replied, "but the Men's bathroom is currently unavailable due to plumbing issues. We're working to fix these now."

The man's face turned to one of desperation. "What about the ladies' restroom?"...

A Professor of Mathematics and a Professor of Physics are in the staff room ...

A Professor of Mathematics and a Professor of Physics are in the staff room when the coffee machine bursts into flames. The Physics Professor jumps up, grabs the fire extinguisher and extinguishes the flame. The Mathematics Professor watches the whole thing without any reaction.

Years lat...

Any good chemistry jokes?

A ketone and a primary amine walk into a bar and yell "Let's get Schiff based!"

Why couldn't the hemiacetal maintain a healthy relationship with his family?
He wasn't very stable and was never seen without alcohol.

An organic chemist wanted to reduce a ketone, but not the ...

Topical Jokes for 1/6

A report shows that North Korea has 6,000 cyber attack specialists. In fairness, North Korea’s definition of “cyber attack specialist” is anyone who’s ever watched “The Matrix.”

...these cyber attack specialists can access any computer on the planet, and leave the message “Please. Help me get...

I've just been charged with stocking a chicken.

I'm hoping to get it reduced.

The Crunch Bird

There are many variations on this joke, including an old cartoon from the 1960s or 70s. This is just the version I remember off the top of my head:
A woman walks into a pet store looking for a new pet. After a few minutes of browsing around, she's not impressed by what she finds. She's about t...

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In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.

It's 1969.

China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.

Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.

See, he'd been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he...

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