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World's Greatest Jokes

The world's greatest swordsman

A young man climbs a mountain to a ledge, where there sits an old man with a sword in his lap. The young man says, "I seek the greatest swordsman in the world."

Without a word, the old man draws his sword and flicks it in the air at a passing fly. The fly falls to the ground in two pieces....

The world's greatest blues musician and the world's greatest jazz musician are having dinner together. Who pays the tip?

Nobody. They don't charge at the soup kitchen.

The world's greatest tongue-twister expert just got arrested.

I bet they’re gonna give him a really tough sentence.

My dad is the world's greatest magician..

He told me to close my eyes and he dissapeared without a trace for over 23 years.

The World's Greatest Detective.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were camping. They'd gone to sleep beneath the night sky, when Holmes awoke and shook his companion.

"Watson, look at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of brilliant stars," Watson answered.

"And what does that tell you?"

"As...

World's greatest stock trader retires

Jack Thompson was the most famous stock trader on Wall Street. His funds had made money, in good markets and bad, for decades. Finally ready to retire, he was going to reveal his secrets in an exclusive interview. "What are your tricks?" Asked the reporter. "I've got only one secret. Years ago I not...

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[Long] World's Greatest Peaches!

John was driving across country and see a sign that reads, "World's Greatest Peaches! 100 miles." As John continues to drive he sees another sign that reads, "World's Greatest Peaches! 50 miles." As he keeps driving his stomach growls and he sees another sign, "World's Greatest Peaches! 10 miles." S...

I was all set to be the world's greatest supervillain, but first I had to win a fencing duel.

Alas, I was in anguish when I lost, for my plans had been Foiled.

Greatest truck driver in the world

Frank was the greatest truck driver in the world. He could take that truck to places that shouldn't be possible.


One night Frank, who had been driving for a solid shift, found himself on an unfamiliar stretch of road. It had been a wet day and the fog was rolling in, making it impossi...

The world's greatest procrastinator walked into a bar.

The

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World's Greatest Grandfather

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets, cookies, and all sorts of things.

The grandfather is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long". Another outburst and she hears t...

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The world's greatest charades player

The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any charade.

A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television. The charade player agrees.


Com...

David Blaine might like to think he's the world's greatest illusionist...

But I can walk into any bar in the world and I become instantly invisible to all women.

Your move David.

My mother is the world's most beautiful model, and my dad is the world's greatest physicist.

I got my mother's brains and my dad's looks.

Did you hear about the world's greatest ninja...?

Me neither.

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The World's Greatest Piano Player.

A man goes into a bar and says to the owner. "Mr. Owner I am the greatest piano player in the world and you should give me a job." The Owner says "Well we need a pianist, tell you what play me a song and I'll see if you're any good." So the piano player starts to play the most fantastic song in t...

At what age did the world's greatest sushi chef begin his training?

Tuna half.

Dad: Son, I want you to marry a girl of my choice.

Son: No.

Dad: The girl is Bill Gate's daughter.

Son: Okay then!

Dad goes to Bill Gate.

Dad: I want your daughter to marry my son.

Bill Gates: No.

Dad: My son is the CEO of the world's greatest bank.

Bill Gates: Okay then!

Dad goes to the CEO of...

Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking along.

Snow White, Superman and Pinocchio are walking along.

They see a sign: "Contest for World's Most Beautiful Woman." Snow White goes in, later comes out smiling, wearing a crown.

They walk along and see another sign: "Contest for World's Strongest Man." Superman goes in, later comes out ...

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

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The farmer and the ringmaster

Once upon a time, in a rural area, there was a poor, uneducated farmer.

One time, a circus came to the town. The farmer decided to visit it. After all, having spent all his life in his hometown, he had never seen such a thing. He was so excited and impressed.

During the ope...

[Long] Once 5 people were on a plane...

1. Kanye West,
2. Bill Gates,
3. Donald Trump,
4. Joe Biden,
5. and a school girl

Suddenly the plane developed a technical snag and only 4 parachutes were available.

Kanye says, "I am world's greatest talent. I must live." He takes a parachute and jumps.

Gates say...

Never any appreciation

Sure, I might be one of the world's greatest pickpockets, but does anyone ever notice?

However, there was one time when I ended up in a police lineup, but even then I didn't get the recognition I deserved.

There once was a man named Ishmael.

Ishmael was known far and wide as the world's greatest tattoo artist. He was not only a master of his craft, but was the foremost scholar on the topic of tattooing.

Ismael didn't only know all the best tattooing techniques, old and new, but had rigorously studied the history of tattoos includ...

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If you thought black people were mad about the Oscars...

wait until the nominations come out for the World's Greatest Dad Award.

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A travelling salesman drives through a small town he's never been to before...

He pulls up at the gas station where an old Native America man is sitting. The salesman walks up and says, "How!"

"Hello," the old Native guy says.

"What's your story?" the salesman asks.

"I have the world's greatest memory. I never forget a thing."

"Oh really?" the sales...

The Pope, the President, the Smartest Man on Earth, and a Stoner are on a plane.

The pilot comes over the intercom.

"Everyone, we've had some major hardware malfunctions. We're going to have to jump out. There are only 4 parachutes, and there are five of us. I'm the pilot, so I should live."

Before anyone can protest, the pilot grabs a parachute and jumps out.
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Philosophy Convention

All the world's greatest philosophers are gathering in France for the largest philosophy convention ever. Socrates, Descartes, Kant, etc have all made their way to Paris and checked into their rooms. Aristotle's invitation was lost in the time-travel post office and he didn't get the invitation unti...

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