UPJOKE
worldworldwideroundplanetaryinternationalsphericalspherecircularglobeearthball-shapedsphericeconomicfinancialdomestic

We should all stop studying to prevent global warming

Because everytime someone graduates, the world increases by a degree.

A global crisis broke out, affecting every nation and people of all kinds

In response, the world banded together and quickly solved the problem through mutual cooperation and understanding

The UN asked an American, an Ethiopian, and a Chinese for their opinion on the global food shortage

None of them understood the question;

The American asked what is a shortage.

The Ethiopian asked what is food.

The Chinese asked what is a opinion.

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit

Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit

In the early 2000s I predicted a global pandemic would happen in 2018

but hindsight is 2020.

How many cities does it take to start a global pandemic?

Only Wuhan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

Why is there global chip shortage?

Because it all went into vaccines.

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing...

What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

a local farmer had gone into investigations

\-what do you feed your chicken ?

\- soy beans, he answered

\-soy beans ?! are you aware that there's a global shortage in soy beans, we'll give you a $100k fine and prepare yourself for further investigations



few days later,...

Global warming is a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

Did you know global warming is reducing terrorism?

The ISIS melting.

Over heard my flat earth believing friend talking about global warming..

I told him to make up his mind.

I know global warming is bad

but wouldn't it be kinda funny if dinosaurs made humans go extinct?

What do flat-earthers call global warming?

Toast

Why is Putin trying to expand the war into Transnistria?

He's trying to corner the market after he heard about the global transnistor shortage.

I sat my daughter down and told her she was my least favourite child...

...she laughed and said

"Of course I am, but I'm your only child!"

I replied

"No, you don't understand, I mean globally"

A global survey was conducted...

A global survey was conducted.
The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure.
In the African they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what ...

This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic.

Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020.

Global warming doesn’t exist

This subreddit is the only place it’s appropriate to say that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He Performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio Station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a Worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at th...

When I meet women, I immediately start talking about global warming.

It's a real icebreaker.

If we really do live in a simulation, I think I know how they programmed global warming.

They most likely used an "Al-Gore-Ithm"

We’re in a global pandemic?

Says who?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

I watched a movie about the dangers of global warming.

Pretty good but it had an anticlimatic ending.

What was Hungarian in the beginning of 20th century and went global in the 21st century?

Korona....


(Korona was the basic monetary unit of Hungary from 1892 to 1925)

Donald Trump doesn't believe in global warming

Would be a lot cooler if he did

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

SUPERMAN: my nemesis is a billionaire who uses his riches to pursue his personal vendettas instead of helping people on a global scale.

**BATMAN:** *[shifts uncomfortably in his chair]*

If global warming is not real, why does...

the number of hot singles in my area keep increasing?

Who declared the coronavirus outbreak a global pandemic?

Yes.

How did Al Gore discover global warming?

Algoreythms.

After earning his DDS; a dentist went and opened up his own practice.

He became widely known for his amazing skills, and was highly praised + recommended by every patient he ever had. One year; he was nominated for (and won) a prestigious medical award. Inscribed upon its ornate surface was his name and the specific honor: “Global Recognition of Outstanding Surgical S...

We should all agree on a global currency

In my opinion, dollars make the most cents

what do you call an artist during a global pandemic?

Vincent Van Cough

What did the Swiss mountaineer say when he got to a mountain where global warming was reversing itself?

Let's go climate!

Why are all Republicans supporting global warming?

Because they can’t wait to live in a world with no snowflakes.

What if aliens are responsible for global warming?

And this is just their way of breaking the ice.

What if this whole Global Warming thing doesn't happen?

Boy, will that be anticlimatic!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a faraway kingdom, a King is looking for a brave person....

This person is to be assigned as the protector of his newborn daughter. He sets up a Royal Tournament, with a cash prize of 10,000 gold coins. The contest becomes famous globally. Dave hearing about the contest, also attends to watch.

On the day of the tournament, he gathers everyone on a riv...

Is it okay to mock kids for protesting global warming?

Not in the current climate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

Retail job interview (2012): Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

You mean after the global pandemic or before the war?

I just got a job processing transactions for a global multi-billion dollar company!

I’m so thankful to McDonald’s for this opportunity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Taking the "hands on" approach to self isolation turned out to be globally recognized advice from Pornhub.

[NSFW]

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

You’d think Ocasio-Cortez would support global warming...

Given how much she hates ICE and all.

Globally, the lack of awareness for women's reproductive health is a major problem. We need to grow up and understand that menstruation is not a joke.

Period.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Global Warming and unprotected sex?

Nothing; they both feel great and scare the fuck outta me.

Trump has left the historical Paris Climate Accord in which countries around the world agreed to fight global warming...

It was the first time he pulled out of a working model.

what do global warming and Barack Obama have in common?

Trump likes to pretend they don't exist

Did you hear Donald Trump's plan for combatting global warming?

Nuclear winter

I heard global warming is just a social construct

If it weren't for our society, it wouldn't exist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between Jesus and vaccines?

One has the ability to prevent disease, slow down and eventually stop a global pandemic, and has saved countless millions of lives.

The other is a giant hoax, made up by evil shit bags to control the global population.

I’m considering a career change to global boating logistics...

...so when people ask what I do, I can say that I spread my seamen all over the world.

Donald Trump DOES have a plan to combat global warming!

He's putting ICE everywhere!

I’m not saying global warming is real...

But the weather was a lot more consistent when people were sacrificing newborn babies to the sun god!

I would tell a joke about global warming

But it's just not cool enough to say

Thanks to global warming, Inuit women are being forced to wear less and less clothing.

*No ice.*

TIL the Earth produces global electromagnetic resonance with the highest peak frequency of 33.8Hz, slightly lower than a C#1 note with a frequency of 34.65Hz.

I guess you can say the earth is flat.

Pegleg Pete the Pirate decided to retire

He fired his crew, ran his ship aground, and built a small cabin for himself just a short walk from the beach. He enjoyed his quiet life until global warming turned his front yard into a swamp. He couldn't get down to the shore without struggling through muck and mud that was once his peaceful stro...

Maybe it's not global warming.

**Maybe it's just planetary menopause**

We should stop global warming.

Club Penguin was shut down because of it.

You can’t really blame Donald Trump for not believing in Global Warming

He’s permanently surrounded by snowflakes.

Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer.

So he switched the US to Celsius.

Lol plague inc easy mode is so unrealistic

Like who wouldn’t wash their hands and wear a mask during a global pandemic.

COVID-19 has been around for 2 years now and I haven't even caught it once!

Even a global pandemic doesn't want me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Me:*watches argument about global warming*

Also me: *oh shit thing are getting heated*

Trump is trying to solve global warming

That's why he's trying to create a nuclear winter

Trump Keeps claiming that climate change is a hoax and that his administration has done the most for global warming, and that the USA is getting colder

But that’s because he doesn’t understand what the media means when they say:

“Donald Trump is the most **Polarizing** President America has had since Nixon.”

If I were from the Netherlands, I'd start getting worried about global warming...

After all, Nomorelands is not that cool of a name

How did i know for sure global warming was real?

On the day Trump got elected over 50 million snowflakes melted at once.

You gotta wonder if after all this global warming talk

If someone in a factory somewhere around the world in a straw factory will say

That's it. That's the last straw

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is globalization?

Question : What is globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death

Question : How come?

Answer :

An English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was high on
Scottis...

My girlfriend has a global map tattooed on her body

She may have been a difficult person to deal with. But you always knew where you were with her.

When meeting someone new, start with a conversation about global warming...

It's breaking the ice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Found some global warming porn on my son's computer.

He didn't even put it in the recycle bin.

50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention

Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eightee...

After learning about Global Warning, I decided to go green

and start recycling on r/jokes

I'm thwarting a global cyber attack using Binary

I guess you could say I'm defending the world, One Zero at a time...

Did you know that global warming is making students do worse?

Because all I've heard is that C levels are rising.

If the US has a heated debate over global warming that polarizes the nation

desn't that mean problem solved?

How do you program global warming?

using an Al-Gore-ithm

Scientists have reversed Global Warming!

Get rekt, Sun!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I guess I'll never know the global favourite porn category

What is the world cumming to?

I'm an environmental hipster

I believed in global warming before it was co... nevermind.

What happened when there was a global helium shortage?

Prices ballooned.

Just found out that global pop megastar Adele ripped off one of my songs for her debut album!

I don’t know if I can be bothered to take her to court over it though. Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing payments?

I heard about global warming...

So now I leave my air conditioner on all the time. I know just one individual can't save the planet, but I do my best.

Ending it all

Brad was sick of the World, of Covid-19, those who hate China, global warming, species extinction, racial tension and all the rest of the disturbing stories that occupy the media headlines.

Brad drove his car into his garage at home, carefully sealed up around the windows and doorways of his ...

Everyone seems worried about global warming and world hunger...

...but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

Global warming is going to demand re-education of our tradesmen.

Already the glaziers are smelting.

I just finished writing a book on what it takes to create a global clothing company...

It's an International Vest-Seller

Why did the global warming activist compliment the earth?

Cause it looked hotter than usual! (I'll see myself out)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex (i.e. right now);

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing;

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex;

FACT: A few less fortunate are reading emails & web postings;

You hang in there!

I want to start selling arm prosthetics globally

Because then I'll be an international arms dealer.

Nobody cares about global warming..

Not even polar bears, they're too busy learning how to swim.

Once this whole "global warming thing" melts the ice caps

We're gonna have a canoe world order.

Republicans were just informed about the effects of Global Warming on the polar ice caps

They're losing their cool!

There is no solid evidence of global warming...

...it all melted.

The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S manufacturing non-competitive...

Donald Trump, 2012.

President Obama is doubling down on fighting global warming

He's already sent three battalions of Marines to invade the Sun.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.