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Global Jokes

Global warming is a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues, the disease wipes out 99% of humanity and desperate survivors are forced to live in...

...a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

Elon Musk organized a press conference about his project to solve global warming

"I will build giant sunglasses"

Journalist raises her hand. "How does that stop the earth from warming up?"

"It makes it cool"

Edna Mode has been to fashion shows across the global, but there’s one place she will never visit…

Cape Town

We should all stop studying to prevent global warming

Because everytime someone graduates, the world increases by a degree.

A global crisis broke out, affecting every nation and people of all kinds

In response, the world banded together and quickly solved the problem through mutual cooperation and understanding

What if aliens are responsible for global warming?

And this is just their way of breaking the ice.

Global warming can reduce terrorism

because the isis melting.

The UN asked an American, an Ethiopian, and a Chinese for their opinion on the global food shortage

None of them understood the question;

The American asked what is a shortage.

The Ethiopian asked what is food.

The Chinese asked what is a opinion.

If you don't know what to talk about on a first date try mentioning Global Warming.

It's a huge icebreaker.

Did you hear Hansel from Zoolander is an activist for Global Warming now?

He teamed up with Greta Thunberg. Their movement is called “Hansel & Greta: So Hot Right Now”

A new global map (Mildly NSFW)

With the recent changes to Afganistan
plans are being drawn up to rename it
the currently suggested new name is:

Talibanistan

Global warming doesn’t exist

This subreddit is the only place it’s appropriate to say that.

We’re in a global pandemic?

Says who?

If you meet a woman, start talking about global warming.

It’s a real icebreaker.

Donald Trump doesn't believe in global warming

Would be a lot cooler if he did

Over heard my flat earth believing friend talking about global warming..

I told him to make up his mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in his 50's visits the doctor.

"I just can't take it anymore, doc," he says, wincing. "I stand at the urinal for 20 minutes and nothing happens. Is there something I can take?"

"I'll tell you what you can take," the doctor snarls. "A cold dose of reality! Do you have *any* idea what's happening out there?! Global warming i...

How many cities does it take to start a global pandemic?

Only Wuhan.

Who declared the coronavirus outbreak a global pandemic?

Yes.

Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit

Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit

What do flat-earthers call global warming?

Toast

This year we learned something very important: The world really isn't prepared for a global pandemic.

Oh well, at least now we know. Hindsight really is 2020.

Lol plague inc easy mode is so unrealistic

Like who wouldn’t wash their hands and wear a mask during a global pandemic.

Why are all Republicans supporting global warming?

Because they can’t wait to live in a world with no snowflakes.

We should all agree on a global currency

In my opinion, dollars make the most cents

If global warming is not real, why does...

the number of hot singles in my area keep increasing?

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the black death have already done the whole global pandemic thing...

What covid is doing is just plaguerism.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is globalization?

Question : What is globalization?
Answer : Princess Diana's death

Question : How come?

Answer :

An English princess with an
Egyptian boyfriend crashes in a
French tunnel, driving a
German car with a
Dutch engine, driven by a
Belgian who was high on
Scottis...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Global Warming and unprotected sex?

Nothing; they both feel great and scare the fuck outta me.

Maybe it's not global warming.

**Maybe it's just planetary menopause**

I watched a movie about the dangers of global warming.

Pretty good but it had an anticlimatic ending.

What if this whole Global Warming thing doesn't happen?

Boy, will that be anticlimatic!

I have a solution to global warming!

Nuclear winter.

Trump is trying to solve global warming

That's why he's trying to create a nuclear winter

Did you hear Donald Trump's plan for combatting global warming?

Nuclear winter

Is it okay to mock kids for protesting global warming?

Not in the current climate.

what do you call an artist during a global pandemic?

Vincent Van Cough

I would tell a joke about global warming

But it's just not cool enough to say

You’d think Ocasio-Cortez would support global warming...

Given how much she hates ICE and all.

A Taiwanese joke translated and adapted to suit global culture.

I failed my geography test because of one single question.

The question was: "Where's the capital of Ukraine?"

I responded with "Kyiv" when the answer was "Moscow".

I argued that the teacher doesn't know anything about geography while the teacher said I know nothing about commu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a global interest in survival and the ability to thrive after an apocalypse or major crisis.

Scientists decide that sending 3 men to a deserted island for 5 years with no hope of rescue or assistance would be a good indicator.

The United States, France, and China each offer up 1 person for the study and they all get sent to their fate.

5 years later a helicopter lands on the i...

Two men and a woman are stranded on an island after a plane crash...

... Resourceful, they waste no time, build a house, find food and water, and globally have it good. After one month, the woman goes to the two men and says:


"Okay guys, let's be frank. I have my needs, you have your needs, let's do it. We'll take turns, one day it's you", she says to th...

I’m not saying global warming is real...

But the weather was a lot more consistent when people were sacrificing newborn babies to the sun god!

I heard global warming is just a social construct

If it weren't for our society, it wouldn't exist.

what do global warming and Barack Obama have in common?

Trump likes to pretend they don't exist

Scientists have reversed Global Warming!

Get rekt, Sun!

How do you program global warming?

using an Al-Gore-ithm

I heard about global warming...

So now I leave my air conditioner on all the time. I know just one individual can't save the planet, but I do my best.

Donald Trump DOES have a plan to combat global warming!

He's putting ICE everywhere!

I’m considering a career change to global boating logistics...

...so when people ask what I do, I can say that I spread my seamen all over the world.

What was Hungarian in the beginning of 20th century and went global in the 21st century?

Korona....


(Korona was the basic monetary unit of Hungary from 1892 to 1925)

I just got a job processing transactions for a global multi-billion dollar company!

I’m so thankful to McDonald’s for this opportunity.

I'm thwarting a global cyber attack using Binary

I guess you could say I'm defending the world, One Zero at a time...

If we really do live in a simulation, I think I know how they programmed global warming.

They most likely used an "Al-Gore-Ithm"

Nobody cares about global warming..

Not even polar bears, they're too busy learning how to swim.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex (i.e. right now);

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing;

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex;

FACT: A few less fortunate are reading emails & web postings;

You hang in there!

You gotta wonder if after all this global warming talk

If someone in a factory somewhere around the world in a straw factory will say

That's it. That's the last straw

How did i know for sure global warming was real?

On the day Trump got elected over 50 million snowflakes melted at once.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

My girlfriend has a global map tattooed on her body

She may have been a difficult person to deal with. But you always knew where you were with her.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Found some global warming porn on my son's computer.

He didn't even put it in the recycle bin.

You can’t really blame Donald Trump for not believing in Global Warming

He’s permanently surrounded by snowflakes.

Congratulations to Donald Trump winning the presidency...

May his global impact be as tiny as his hands

80,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention.

The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.

The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"

After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!...

What happened when there was a global helium shortage?

Prices ballooned.

When meeting someone new, start with a conversation about global warming...

It's breaking the ice.

If I were from the Netherlands, I'd start getting worried about global warming...

After all, Nomorelands is not that cool of a name

Did you know that global warming is making students do worse?

Because all I've heard is that C levels are rising.

There is no solid evidence of global warming...

...it all melted.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

What did the Swiss mountaineer say when he got to a mountain where global warming was reversing itself?

Let's go climate!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Taking the "hands on" approach to self isolation turned out to be globally recognized advice from Pornhub.

[NSFW]

Thanks to global warming, Inuit women are being forced to wear less and less clothing.

*No ice.*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I guess I'll never know the global favourite porn category

What is the world cumming to?

There Had Recently Been A Global Epidemic...

...Billions of people were dying. As a result, there was a line of souls waiting to get into heaven. God had become overwhelmed. He said to one of his angels "Go wait at the gates of heaven and only let in people who had a unique death." So the angel goes.
The angel gets to the gate and the first...

Everyone seems worried about global warming and world hunger...

...but the real crisis is that one day elderly drivers will know how to text.

President Obama is doubling down on fighting global warming

He's already sent three battalions of Marines to invade the Sun.

Global warming is going to demand re-education of our tradesmen.

Already the glaziers are smelting.

If the US has a heated debate over global warming that polarizes the nation

desn't that mean problem solved?

Once this whole "global warming thing" melts the ice caps

We're gonna have a canoe world order.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

genie and the wish

A woman walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman soon came back to her senses and asked if she got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope. . . due to inflation, constant downsizing, fierce ...

The eclipse did two things our political leaders cannot.

It slowed global warming and gave us all something to look up to

Trump said global warming was a hoax and he could easily make temperatures "the lowest ever recorded" this summer.

So he switched the US to Celsius.

Just found out that global pop megastar Adele ripped off one of my songs for her debut album!

I don’t know if I can be bothered to take her to court over it though. Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing payments?

Globally, the lack of awareness for women's reproductive health is a major problem. We need to grow up and understand that menstruation is not a joke.

Period.

I just finished writing a book on what it takes to create a global clothing company...

It's an International Vest-Seller

Republicans were just informed about the effects of Global Warming on the polar ice caps

They're losing their cool!

According to a news story, if global warming continues, in 20 years the only chance we’ll have to see a polar bear is in a zoo.

So in other words, basically nothing is going to change.

TIL the Earth produces global electromagnetic resonance with the highest peak frequency of 33.8Hz, slightly lower than a C#1 note with a frequency of 34.65Hz.

I guess you can say the earth is flat.

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