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Weighing Jokes

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing my down

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it
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A Texan buys a round of drinks for the entire bar, announcing that his wife has just gave birth to their first child "a typical Texas" baby boy weighing 24 pounds…

Congratulations showered him from all around, along with many exclamations of "Wow!"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answ...
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What weighs more? an elephant or a human?

The human.

elephants dont know how to use scales and thus, are incapable of weighing anything.
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The average horse weighs 1000lbs and has a 20 inch D. That’s a ratio of 50lbs to 1 inch.

So an average man weighing 200lbs only needs a 4 inch D to be hung like a horse.

Be proud fellas
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What did the weighing scale say when someone broke its limit

-32768
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A woman noticed her husband standing on the weighing scale sucking his stomach

“Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
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I thought my snail's shell was weighing him down,

but after I removed it he appeared even more sluggish.
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We sell piglets by weight and my wife has a unique way of weighing them.

She grasps their tail in her mouth, lifts them, proudly announcing their weight.
When checked on a scale, she's never wrong!
The other day a customer showed up and my wife was not around. "Where is your mother?" I asked my son, he replied "Oh she's in the house, weighing the mailman".
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Why is weighing snakes so easy?

Because they come with their own scales.
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A doctor is weighing kids in Ethiopia.

"40 kg, pretty good, send the next class"
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What do you call someone who is really good at weighing things?

A programmer.
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My wife was hinting at what she wanted for our anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0-100 in 3 seconds."

I got her a weighing scale.
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Weighing the pig

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked for a 25-pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig's tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy -- it was 30 pounds. The city slicker told the far...
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Tip: if you don't want comedians weighing in on politics....

...don't elect a joke.

(Credit to Bo Burnham)
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I have been weighing the pros and cons about reading poetry to prisoners.

Pros: prose
Cons: cons
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I heard Venezuelan currency has inflated so much they are weighing it instead of counting it.

Looks like they finally transitioned from bolivars to pounds.
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