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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

Instead of the keto diet, I'm losing weight with the Kato diet

I have to wear green eyeshades and spar with my karate-chopping partner.

How do I talk to my girlfriend about her weight without starting a fight?

Whenever I bring it up with my wife she gets upset.

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Weight training anxiety relief OP NSFW

So the other day I told my friend "man this weight training I've been doing has really relieved my anxiety and not only that but I've been able to release some sexual tension." "Ohh yeah?" he replies "Find you a lady at the gym?". "Nah, just masterbating under my new weighted blanket." I reply.

I am starting my new venture, a startup healthy food delivery app that will help all to reduce weight dramatically!...

Basically it works as follows: You place your order, and I don't deliver the food at all.

Why doesn't DJ Khaled lose weight?

Becauses he never loses, he always wins.

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

Trid to lose weight

...It found me again

Since I lost weight I've stopped giving money to the homeless.

Lean and mean.

The doctor said to me, we need to talk about your weight.

I said, well it was about 25minutes but the chairs are quite comfortable.

A husband rudely said to his wife that she had really let herself go and put on a lot of weight since they got married

The wife replied by saying before she got married she used to get home at night and look in the fridge but because nothing looked appealing she would go to bed. But now that she's married when she gets home at night she'd look in the bedroom but as nothing in there looks appealing she goes to the fr...

Sister Ann Putting on Weight

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas." A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit ba...

Weight lifting sheep

Really raises the bahhhh

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

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I wish Frasier would have a show about a copy editor in 1942 Germany that's blind, bilingual, narcoleptic, and obsessed with weights and measures.

He'd be a Grammar Grammer gram-er Nazi not-see nod si.

My brother was having a tough time losing weight.

Our sister thought he should cut back gradually, so one day she asked, “Mike would you like to split a doughnut with me?”
Mike answered, “Want to split two?”

"Honey, I bought you a new Weight Loss Tape!"

"How the hell are we gonna play a tape?!"



"No silly, it goes over your mouth"

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

Elon musk should tweet about my weight

So it would plummet, too.

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My dating profile says " I'm 50 years old,but I have the body of a swimmer, the arms of a weight-lifter and the dick of a teenager."

The women that come over aren't too pleased when I open the freezer and show my collection.

A Finn, Swede and Norwegian were on a plane. The pilot announced: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Norwegian dropped an orange off the plane. The pilot repeated: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Swede dropped a banana peel. Yet again there was the request: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Finn dropped a bomb. When the plane finally landed, the Finn, Swede and Norwe...

Overweight guy goes to the doctor for some weight control help

Doctor gives him an Rx for 100 diet pills with the following instructions

Every morning, dump the pills all over the floor and bend down to pick them up, one at a time..

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Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

Losing weight is a piece of cake

Just don’t eat the cake

Just joined Weight Watchers online program

They asked me to accept cookies as a test. I did and never I receive it. I guess that's part of the program...

Weight loss

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

-Dad, Dad, do farts have weight?

-No Timmy, they don’t.


-Then I shat myself.

My doctor said I had to lose some weight.....

He said, Stop eating fatty.

I asked, You mean like fried foods and bacon?

He said, No fatty, just stop eating.

For over a year I've done everything possible to try and lose my extra weight.

I've been eating right, working out, going for daily walks but it just wont work. She's still there when I get back.

What was the farmer priest doing when he started gaining weight?

Cultivating Mass

Sad news, my obese parrot died today.

Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

You know what’s really worth its weight in gold?

Gold.

I could easily lose weight

but momma raised no loser.

Which weighs more, a ton of steel or a ton of feathers?

A ton of feathers, because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

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A man is overweight

A man is overweight, so he looks on the internet for weight loss programs. He is scrolling through the internet, when he finds an ad: “We guarantee you will lose weight or your money back” It said. He clicks on it, and it purchases a 5-pound weight loss program. Two hours later, a beautiful woman sh...

Want to know that fastest way to lose weight?

Amputation

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..

You'll have nothing to gain!!!

A desperate zoo

The leading zoologist gets a phone call one day from a desperate zoo, asking him to come right away and they will pay double.

He gets to the zoo and talks to the head keeper who explains that unfortunately while they were moving the animals around it seems like one of the zebra’s has got preg...

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I'm so close to my goal weight I can taste it....

.... cause it's the only fucking thing I'm allowed to taste these days.

Never ask a woman her weight, never ask a man his salary

And never ask UK's museum's owners how in the hell they have so many historical artefacts

I asked a dietician for one tip on how to lose weight

Dietician: don't eat anything fatty

Me: thanks

Dietician: you're welcome fatty

What's a fast way to lose ten pounds of ugly weight?

Cut off your head.

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper

You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

I’ve put on weight so I called Weight Watchers and asked if they could send someone round…

They said ‘Yeah we can, we’ve got loads of them’.

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

"An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent....

My administrative assistant is suing me. She walked into my office last week and said, “it looks like you’ve lost weight!”

All I said was, “thanks for bringing it back”.

What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?

A masstermind

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I realize I've put on some weight, so I joined an aerobics class.

When I got there I jumped and gyrated and bent and twisted. But by the time I got my gym shorts on the hour was over.

If youre having trouble losing weight

Try gaining weight for new years resolution

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds...

Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

A large man goes to his doctor concerned about his weight.

“I really need to lose some weight. What is the best way to do that?”

The doctor replied, “Don't eat anything fatty.”

“What, you mean stuff like burgers and chips, pizza, bacon, etc?”

“No, as I said before, fatty, don't eat anything"

How does a satanist measure weight?

In pentagrammes

How do you fit an Elephant in a refrigerator ?

Open the door, shove in the Elephant, close the door.


*How do you fit a Giraffe in a refrigerator?*

Open the door, take out the Elephant, shove in the Giraffe, close the door.


*A plane has 20 bricks on the right hand side and 21 bricks on the left side. How do you balanc...

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

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I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

A husband and a wife walk into the mall...

The husbands spots a magical weighing scale which alongside your weight, tells you your future.

'Let's give it a go!' The husband said
The wife, disagreed because she never believed in such things.

The husband, decides to try it himself.

The machine displayed his future an...

Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain…

I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.

What do fat ghosts need to do to lose weight?

Exorcise

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

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A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room

The Doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and seeming a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed," she replied.

"Strip down to your waist," the Doctor said.

She did.

He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and r...

Covid lockdown has me gaining weight so I started a new diet

Its called Two weeks to flatten Your curves

An American lost a lot of weight

When he switched to metric system

A policeman, an archer, and a soldier are on an airplane losing altitude.

The pilot yells to these passengers, "We're carrying too much weight, drop whatever you got!"

The policeman drops his pistol, the archer drops his bow and arrow, and the soldier drops a grenade out of the hatch door.

The plane still crashes, and all three passengers wake up in differen...

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The weight loss method of the century.

A man is watching late night infomercials on a weekend night and sees an ad claiming their system will make you lose 10lbs in one week. The man calls and places an order and they tell him he'll have a package at the door on Monday. Monday morning he hears a knock on the door and answers it to see a ...

The other day, I set a world record for the fastest Shake Weight reps..

.. on a side note, my doctor said I need to start taking my epilepsy medication regularly, but it slows me down.

Why can't redditors lose weight?

Because their diet is mostly copypasta.

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[NSFW] A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.

He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.

"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass."

Th...

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

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A man is watching the news one day

There is a commercial advertising a weight loss company. It says that you can lose anywhere from 5 pounds to 50 pounds in increments of five and it only cost $10. They said they have a 100% satisfaction guarantee and if you aren’t satisfied you can have a refund.

The man believes that this is...

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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

Which weights more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

A doctor sees an obese women to advise her about weight loss.

The women defensively says, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese. My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity runs in my family." The doctor replies, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."

You're so average

The International Bureau of Weights and Measures offered you a permanent position.

How does a Millennial weight themselves?

In Instagrams







eta: yes, I saw the typo in the subject, about .01 after I hit "post", of course. Oh well! C'est la vie.

My fitness has been great these past years despite the COVID lockdowns.

I even maxed out the weight on the assisted pull-up machine.

What's the difference between garbage and a home gym's weights during the COVID quarantine?

The garbage gets picked up once a week.

There was a jungle tribe of people who lived entirely off the land...

They hunted and foraged, and built structures with wildgrasses and leaves. Most of the tribe was kind and giving, except for the one greedy old coot. He did not live modestly: full feasts when others were hungry, 2-story hut when the rest were 1, and the rarest dyes on all of his clothes. This old c...

I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but...

...I just finished it in 72 hours.

When telling a fat man to lose weight you should not sugar coat it

Because he will eat that too

While at work, I think I've finally come to a conclusion on why I'm still single. For years, I've blamed other people, or my weight, or my location, but I think I've found the real explanation.

If it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I'd be married a long time ago.

Lady (to her doctor): "What l am worried about is my height and not my weight."

Doctor: "How come?"

Lady: "According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches."

Them: Wow! You've lost so much weight.

Me: why thank you, I'm glad you noticed...
Them: yea we're just happy that there's less of you now.

I'm on a no seafood diet to lose weight

It's low crab.

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Here's a Halloween joke!

Three guys run into a museum to hide from the hoard of zombies coming down the road. While looking for something to eat and drink one of the survives finds a golden lamp and out pops a genie roaring out.

“You can have three wishes. So what is the first wish?” One man says ” I want to go back...

Cyberpunk 2077 has created a story about corporate interests crushing people under the weight of commodification and dehumanisation, with high tech stakes about a world full of technology gone awry.

The game has similar themes.

I only have two new years resolutions. One: to lose the weight I gained since the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

I stopped going to the gym recently.

It felt like a huge weight had been lifted off me.

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

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A man was trying to lose weight

A man was trying to lose weight and stumbled upon an advertisement by a company that advertised weight loss of 10 pounds over the course of just one week. He decided he had nothing to lose so he decided to give it a try.

The very next day his training sessions started. He was greeted by a stu...

I don’t understand why I’m still gaining weight...

...I’ve added a salad to every meal

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and ...

How do you know when your wife has suddenly put on weight?

When she sits on your face and you can’t hear the stereo.

My girlfriend has been gaining weight so I sat her down in the living room to talk to her.

I said "We need to talk about the elephant in the room"

How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger…

My girlfriend recently started categorizing small animals by height and weight. I'll have to end it with her...

She's always critter sizing.

I what is a crackers weight measured in?

In grahams.

Quasimodo needs a vacation.

He goes to the Dean of the cathedral and asks for a leave. He’s told taking time off is OK if he will arrange for someone to take his place temporarily. So Quasimodo posts a job on LinkedIn for a bell ringer.
Several people respond but the best candidates were a pair of twins. They were quite eag...

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Fat Joe is having trouble losing weight and he hears about a new extreme workout.

He goes to the place and the man in charge leads him to a large circular room in which is a naked, beautiful woman with sign on her that reads "If you catch me, you can fuck me."

After many long tries, he eventually loses weight, catches her, and gets to enjoy a bit of the old in-out, in-out....

How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door.

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Sammy the sperm...the most fit sperm in history

Sammy the sperm worked out all the time. Cardio, weights, stretching...every time another sperm saw him he was just always working out. Other sperm thought Sammy was weird. One day some of them squiggled over to Sammy and asked him "why on earth was he always doing that?"

"You know...only one...

A rabbi and a priest

A rabbi and a priest meet up after a year not seeing each other.

The rabbi goes: "Man, you've put on some weight since last time!"

Priest: "Yeah I know, it is a new technique I came up with. You go to a restaurant, eat as much as you can. When the bill comes, you tell them you already ...

My sister wanted to lose weight so she ran 3-5 km a day for 2 months.

She's now in Mexico

How to lose weight.

When I lost 104 pounds, people asked me how I did it.

I asked “Do you think you can lose one pound?” They said sure. Anyone can do that.

I told them “thats all I know how to do. I lost one pound every week, for 2 years. One pound at a time.”

True story.

Yesterday I was at a Weight Watchers party but nobody mentioned obesity.

There were just too many elephants in the room.

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs.

The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter. A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time ...

I tried to set up a weight loss group...

...but apparently calling it “The Fat Losers Club” isn’t acceptable.

Weight-loss pills are very effective...

They drain your bank account so you don’t have money for food.

I went to fairground recently and there was a man doing 'Guess your weight' so i stood in the queue and when it got to my turn

The man said "That was about 15 minutes"....

I got one of those talking bathroom scales that is supposed to read your weight to you

But when I step on it, it says "One at a time, please!"

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