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Weight Jokes

I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

Why do guys gain weight after marriage?

Because when they're single, they come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. When they're married, they come home, see what's in the bed, and go to the fridge...

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight

I told her to keep her chins up

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

Mark says to John: "Can you believe that an Arab millionaire saw my wife and told me that he would pay her weight in gold?"

John: "I can't believe it, and what did you say?"
Mark: "I asked him if he could wait a month."
John: "So you can think about it?"
Mark: "No, to make her fat."

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Fuck and Weight loss

A fat man saw an ad in a newspaper.....
"Lose 5kg in a week."

He called the company & lady said..
"be ready tomorrow at 6am."
The next morning he opened the door &
found a beautiful girl with shoes & skirt saying "u catch me, u fuck me!" & the girl started run...

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A fat man wants to lose weight...

A fat man is looking for a way to lose weight. He has already tried all kinds of slimming diets and fitness programs, but they didn't work for him. One day, he comes across an ad that says: "New revolutionary method - weight loss 100% guaranteed. Satisfied or your money back!"
He thinks: "Since ...

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Weight losers

The girl's husband was getting a bit tubby round the middle, so she decided to tempt him to do something about it.

"Honey," she said, "if you lose 20 lbs, I'll do a sexy striptease for you."

Cruelly, he replied, "And if you lose 20 lbs, I'll watch."

I used to go to Weight Watchers to meet women.

There were tons of girls there, just not very many.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

300 lb man decides to lose weight one day.

A 300 lb man decides he is tired of being so fat and wants to lose weight. So he gets on the Internet and finds a program that claims you can lose 10lbs in 2 weeks or your money back.

So he orders the program, and the very next day there is a knock on his door. He opens it up and there is a ...

My buddy Joe has lost a lot of weight on the new Dolly Parton diet.

It's made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean.

I was kicked out of my weight watchers meeting yesterday, because I spilled a bag of M&M's on the floor.

It was the best game of Hungry, Hungry Hippo I've ever seen.

A Finn, Swede and Norwegian were on a plane. The pilot announced: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Norwegian dropped an orange off the plane. The pilot repeated: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Swede dropped a banana peel. Yet again there was the request: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Finn dropped a bomb. When the plane finally landed, the Finn, Swede and Norwe...

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

... when suddenly they started to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my...

I shot a weight earlier

I was charged with Mass Murder.

Came up with this one earlier, was kinda proud of it, despite it being awful

What do you call a "Gulf and Western" singer who's gained way too much weight?

Jimmy Hit the Buffett



What do you call a band that agrees with anything?



Yes.



What do you call a band that you don't know any of the members?



The Who?



What do you call a band that likes to play childish games?



...

What do you call an astronaut that lifts weights?

Neil Armstrong

I bought my girlfriend a weighted blanket

But we broke up soon afterwards because she couldn’t take the pressure

How many weight lifters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

8-12 of them on 3 separate occasions.

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Best weight loss In town!

A new fitness center was advertising around the city with their fool-proof method of losing a substantial amount of weight in under an hour!

Tom was an out of shape guy that wanted to lose weight badly, but was skeptical about this new spot.

After hearing many of his friends and colle...

A woman caught her husband on the weight scale, sucking in his stomach.

“That won’t help you, Joe, you know?”


“Oh it helps a lot,” says the man, “it’s the only way I can see the numbers!”

Yesterday I was at a Weight Watchers party but nobody mentioned obesity.

There were just too many elephants in the room.

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[NSFW] A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.

He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.

"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass."

Th...

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Loosing weight is like golf…

None of us are any fucking good at it.

Apparently smoking weed makes you gain weight

That explains my Pot belly

How did Sauron lose weight?

He ate in Mordoration

Why don't you ever see an over weight ghost?

They are deathly afraid of being exorcized

A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the d...

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight gue...

My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight...

She needs to lighten up.

Weight loss

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

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New Weight Loss Program! [somewhat NSFW]

A very overweight and rich fellow saw an advertisement for a weight loss program. He calls the number. "Hello, would you like to lose some weight?" he hears from the other end of the phone.


"Yes!" the man replies.

"Excellent! I must warn you, our programs are very expensive, but th...

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

Elton John's gained a notable amount of weight lately.

Goodbye, normal jeans.

A man is frustrated with his wife gaining a little weight

He tells her, “Maybe you should wash your clothes in slim fast since you won’t try anything else.”

The wife goes to bed angry. The next morning when the husband puts on his underwear, it’s full of powder. He asks his wife why she put baby powder in his underwear.

She replies, “It’s n...

So, i wanted to know what my weight was.

'Holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter' my wife said.

But how am i supposed to see the numbers?

I want to lose some weight

But I don't want to get caught up in one of those eat right and exercise scams.

It's so hard to lose weight

When you have an overactive knife and fork!

I told my husband I was going to weight training tomorrow...

He said hold on, just hold on a sec, hold on a little longer. Then he said “I’m giving you wait training now”

That literally just happened.

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

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Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

Where is the best place in Europe to lose weight?

An English Casino. You can lose hundreds of pounds in a few minutes.

Weight lifting sheep

Really raises the bahhhh

Elon musk should tweet about my weight

So it would plummet, too.

the local weight watchers had an alumni meeting

Everyone who showed up was a looser

Weight Loss

Around 20 years ago, I lost 200 lbs in 1 day.
Yea, I divorced her

Why did Mike Tyson hire the Devil as his weight loss trainer?

He said he wanted to be a little thinner.

How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door.

I hate when people make fun of my weight

They're just making a joke at my expanse

A merchant told another "I'll trade you a barium atom and two sodiums for that weight measuring device."

"BaNaNa for scale?"

White girl : So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth : YES!!!

What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

The ton of feathers because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

A lady went to the doctor because she had been struggling to lose weight.

She had tried all kinds of diets and pills and exercise programs with no success. The doctor said, "don't worry; I have a special remedy that is sure to work. Just eat a small piece of sesame cracker with unsweetened tea three times a day for three weeks. Then check in with me on your progress."
...

I spoke with a personal trainer about things I could do to help me lose weight, and he suggested I try a medicine ball.

I hate to have to tell him but I did, but no matter what I do or how much water I drink, I just can't swallow it.

How does a satanist measure weight?

In pentagrammes

i know your weight isn't of the utmost concern

But we have to adress the elephant in the room

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Paddy’s doctor was telling him that he really needed to lose weight.

Paddy was insisting that he was a healthy weight and the doctor was wrong.
Doctor: When was the last time you saw your penis?
Paddy: It’s been a while.
Doctor: You really need to diet.
Paddy: What color is it now?

My conservative brother is considering buying free weights…

To own the lbs.

How much weight can a truck hold?

As much as it can pickup

I’ve put on weight so I called Weight Watchers and asked if they could send someone round…

They said ‘Yeah we can, we’ve got loads of them’.

Sister Ann Putting on Weight

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas." A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit ba...

What is Xi Jinping's favourite way to lose unwanted weight?

An elimination diet

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

I could easily lose weight

but momma raised no loser.

Losing weight is a piece of cake

Just don’t eat the cake

Why doesn't DJ Khaled lose weight?

Becauses he never loses, he always wins.

Never ask a woman her weight, never ask a man his salary

And never ask UK's museum's owners how in the hell they have so many historical artefacts

My new years resolution is to get down to the weight I was before the accident.

....and to stop calling it "the accident" when I eat too many snacks.

The world's most expensive object by weight : at 8 million dollars per gram, it's a stamp

UPDATE : weighing 25 grams and costing a staggering 22 Bugatti cars, the new winner is Andrew Tate's pizza box.

-Dad, Dad, do farts have weight?

-No Timmy, they don’t.


-Then I shat myself.

What's blue and does not weight much?

Light blue.

What do you call a girl who is always considering surgery to deal with her weight problem?

A lipochondriac

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.


The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the mo...

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Penis weight

A penis has to be the lightest thing in the world.
Because even a thought can lift it.

Easy weight loss technique:

Step 1: Initiate Brexit.

Step 2: Lose 440 million pounds a week.

Just joined Weight Watchers online program

They asked me to accept cookies as a test. I did and never I receive it. I guess that's part of the program...

Local mom finds cure to weight loss, Scientist are dumbfounded...

at how gullible people on the internet are.

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head.

It's a loaf-hat-diet.

An American lost a lot of weight

When he switched to metric system

What Type of Drink Makes you Lose Weight?

Lighter fluid

If youre having trouble losing weight

Try gaining weight for new years resolution

My doctor told me intermittent fasting is good for weight loss.

I told him it doesn't work for me.

I haven't lost any weight even though I've been doing it multiple times a day.

What weighs more? 50kg of Iron or a 50kg woman?

The woman. They always lie about their weight.

How to lose weight

- Doctor, I'm fat, how do I lose weight?
- Just move your head from left to right and from right to left.
- How many times , doctor ?
- Every time someone offers you food.

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I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.

How to lose weight.

When I lost 104 pounds, people asked me how I did it.

I asked “Do you think you can lose one pound?” They said sure. Anyone can do that.

I told them “thats all I know how to do. I lost one pound every week, for 2 years. One pound at a time.”

True story.

Weight loss

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter. A month later, he returns and needs to...

"Honey, I bought you a new Weight Loss Tape!"

"How the hell are we gonna play a tape?!"



"No silly, it goes over your mouth"

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!...

Did you hear about the Italian chef how created the popular Italian dish that actually helps you lose weight?

He was awarded the No-belly pizza prize.

How does a Millennial weight themselves?

In Instagrams







eta: yes, I saw the typo in the subject, about .01 after I hit "post", of course. Oh well! C'est la vie.

The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight.

And America never loses

Everytime i lose weight

I find it again in the refrigerator

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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

DJ Khaled was featured in a Weight Watchers commercial for losing weight...

...He must have stopped eating out...

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Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive.

Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.

My brother was having a tough time losing weight.

Our sister thought he should cut back gradually, so one day she asked, “Mike would you like to split a doughnut with me?”
Mike answered, “Want to split two?”

My doctor said I had to lose some weight.....

He said, Stop eating fatty.

I asked, You mean like fried foods and bacon?

He said, No fatty, just stop eating.

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Weight loss program

This fat man was disappointed in his body. We was watching TV and saw this weight loss program and decided to join. There was 2 programs, average and advanced, and decided to start average.

The next day, the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was a beautiful lady. She was nude, and...

I blame my wife's cooking for my weight gain.

Ever since she started cooking I've been eating out more.

In terms of weight reduction, doing meth is way more effective than doing math

That's been methamatically proven

The doctor told me to lose some weight.

I said, "How?"

He said "Don't eat anything fatty."

I said, "You mean pies, chips, that sort of thing?"

He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty."

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A fat man wanted to lose some weight

So he goes to the fitness and asks what he can do to lose weight fast.

The clerck tells him about a very effective program and the prices:

* Lose 10 kg for $100
* Lose 20 kg for $200
* Lose 30 kg for $300

The man wasn't sure it will work so he bought the cheapest one. He...

Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds...

Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk

Weight-loss pills are very effective...

They drain your bank account so you don’t have money for food.

I'm a renowned computer science professor, but that doesn't carry much weight with my mother.

After I got my PhD, she introduced me to friends by saying, *“This is my daughter. She's a doctor, but not the kind who helps people.”*

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The weight loss method of the century.

A man is watching late night infomercials on a weekend night and sees an ad claiming their system will make you lose 10lbs in one week. The man calls and places an order and they tell him he'll have a package at the door on Monday. Monday morning he hears a knock on the door and answers it to see a ...

Losing weight

A man goes to a Weight Loss Clinic and after a short discussion they ask the man how much weight he would like to lose today?
After a few seconds he replies "10 Pounds"
They tell him to go to the first door on the left and go in. They explain the room will be dark and the door will lock behind...

To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..

You'll have nothing to gain!!!

Want to know that fastest way to lose weight?

Amputation

A fat man lost his weight

Now, the gym doesn’t trust him with the weights anymore

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Weight loss challenge

At the bar there was a guy who was fat and kept getting rejected by all the girls there.
Seeing this one man approaches the other fat guy.
He challenges him that he can make him slim in 30 days and charge him $15000. If he fails to do so he will pay the fat guy the same.
The fat guy accepts...

What's the difference between a rabbit lifting weights and a rabbit with a flower up it's nose?

Ones a Fit Bunny

The other is a Bit Funny

Since I lost weight I've stopped giving money to the homeless.

Lean and mean.

What do you call the weight of a porta-potty when the tank is full?

The gross weight

Them: Wow! You've lost so much weight.

Me: why thank you, I'm glad you noticed...
Them: yea we're just happy that there's less of you now.

I asked a dietician for one tip on how to lose weight

Dietician: don't eat anything fatty

Me: thanks

Dietician: you're welcome fatty

A leopard can carry something twice it's weight up a tree,

While a cougar can take something half her age into bed.

I once saw a weight commit crime

I thought “Weight that’s illegal”

My friend commented on my daughter's weight recently, I told him it's mostly puppy fat.

We should stop buying her pets, kid's a f\*cking pyscho.

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and ...

Overweight guy goes to the doctor for some weight control help

Doctor gives him an Rx for 100 diet pills with the following instructions

Every morning, dump the pills all over the floor and bend down to pick them up, one at a time..

My obese parrot died today...

Sad, but its a huge weight off my shoulders

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