I was feeling unhealthy so I started eating vegan, but I haven't lost any weight...

Turns out vegans have just as many calories as cows.

Losing weight is a piece of cake.

Just don’t eat it.

I’d love to lose some weight...

but I never lose cause I’m a winner!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds.

Right on my big toe. Shits broken now I can hardly walk.

My wife said if I don't lose weight then she'll file for a divorce.

Who wants to come over for a pizza tonight?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife recently pointed out to me all the weight I’ve gained. She like “you can’t even see your penis anymore”

I’m like “thats not true, I caught a glans the other day.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.

He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.

"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass."

Th...

What is heavier, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

The feathers.

Because you have to live with the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

My wife asked me if I was going to buy new pants now that my diet was done and I've finally reached my goal weight.

I told her I could never abandon them, they'd been with me through thick and thin.

When u get to college u get the freshman15 - what do u call the weight u gain during quarantine?

The Covid-19

If humans can carry 1.5x their weight,

Does that mean you mamma can carry LeBron to the finals?

My wife hates when I make jokes about her weight.

She needs to lighten up.

Which region of your brain is always worried about watching it’s weight?

The hippocampus

Everytime i lose weight

I find it again in the refrigerator

My Iguana just lost a LOT of weight!

He shed the whole scale!

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and ...

I went to fairground recently and there was a man doing 'Guess your weight' so i stood in the queue and when it got to my turn

The man said "That was about 15 minutes"....

Did you hear about the messenger who murdered someone with a 2.2 pound weight?

He said he was just delivering a killergram.

A guy tries to lose weight

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penis weight

A penis has to be the lightest thing in the world.
Because even a thought can lift it.

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs

The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me."

An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs lighter.

A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs.

The receptionist sends him upstairs aga...

When it comes to choosing between weight lifting or cardio workouts, I always choose cardio.

Cause it helps me in the long run ;)

My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”

So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”

A woman goes to the doctor after a sudden weight gain...

The doctor looks over her test results, then looks at the woman and says "well, it looks like you're pregnant."

"Wow, I'm pregnant?" The woman asked.

"No, it just looks like you are" The doctor replied.

An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

“This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no ...

My wife said that with all this going on she’s not going to take our 4 week old to the hospital just to have his weight checked.

No weigh.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

Just like the "Freshman15", there are reports that this worldwide pandemic is causing some people to gain weight also.

It's called the "Covid-19".

Why did the chubby fish connoisseur not worry about his weight?

Because it was all mussel.

How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door.

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.



Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

I go to the gym to lose weight

You can say that I’m a mass murderer

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.....

...in a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

* The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
* The bouncer is a blonde girl.
* I'm a 6...

Who says you can't lose weight by hitting the gym?

Last week I brought an annual membership. I lost 7 pounds ever since because I ran out of money to buy food.

So my girlfriend has been putting on weight. When I pointed it out she got all upset and told me I should support the "Big Girl Movement".

I'm really trying, but it's starting to hurt my back.

Got kicked out of Weight Watchers...

I dropped a bag of M&Ms.
Best damn game of Hungry Hungry Hippos I've ever played.

Do you want to lose weight?

Go to a casino in the UK. You'll lose pounds by the minute.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much weight do you lose after having a wisdom tooth taken out?

A molar mass.

Why did Burt put on weight after he ate Mary Poppins' cake?

It was super calorific

Just went on the Weight Watchers website.

How come they want you to accept cookies?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On Saturday I bought myself some sensible walking boots, a light weight rucksack, and some waterproofs.

This morning I headed out in the direction of the local national park, walked for about 5 miles stopped and sat on a stone wall near the waterfall and had a flask of coffee. Then I walked another 5 miles and had a biscuit and then I.... Sorry, I'm rambling.

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

I told my husband I was going to weight training tomorrow...

He said hold on, just hold on a sec, hold on a little longer. Then he said “I’m giving you wait training now”

That literally just happened.

Thank you weight loss surgeons

What you do takes guts.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

Who would win their weight class in a boxing match, athletes or prisoners?

Not sure, you have to weigh out the pros and cons

A great way to lose weight is to eat while naked

Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.

We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

A guy goes to his doctor and asks: "How do I lose weight?"

The doctor replies: "You need to get up early."

"Early in the morning?"

"No, from the dinner table."

Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..

Put in my too-weak notice.

My obese parrot died yesterday.

I should be upset but it’s a huge weight off my shoulder.

Yesterday I was at a Weight Watchers party but nobody mentioned obesity.

There were just too many elephants in the room.

What happens when you drop a 14lb weight on 2 canaries?

You kill 2 birds with one stone.

Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it?

Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today

What Type of Drink Makes you Lose Weight?

Lighter fluid

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

A leopard can carry something twice it's weight up a tree,

While a cougar can take something half her age into bed.

A young man is uncomfortable with his body weight and therefore goes to the gym.

In front of it the man sees two queues. One of them seems to be a few people shorter so naturally he lines up there. As he reaches the end of the queue, a muscular MMA fighter rushes out of the building and hits the young man right where it hurts.

The young man gasps and crashes to the ground...

I would lose weight for my New Year's resolution ...

... but I hate losing.

I tried to lose weight but I'm still fat

Didnt work out

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As the saying goes the tallest person has experienced everyone’s height, the heaviest man has experienced everyone’s weight...

Well I’ve experienced everyone’s penis size...

My ass really hurts.

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman were riding in a hot-air balloon.

The balloon was about to crash into a mountain, so the pilot says to them, "We need to lose more weight to get clear. One of you has to jump" So the Scotsman says "I do this for the glory of Scotland!" and he jumps out of the basket.

But the balloon wasn't high enough yet. "We need to lose m...

I got my daughter a weighted anxiety blanket for Christmas.

She’s been freaking out about it all day.

By weight, we are mostly gluons.

None of that's matter, though.

My wife asked me to provide her with encouragement as she attempts to lose weight next year.

I said, “Don’t worry. It’ll be a piece of cake.”

A long lost friend came back to me weighting 100 more pounds

I said wow you look more energic!

He askes why

I explained E=MC²

He's "Physicaly" more "attractive"!

My husband once bought me a dress two sizes too small to encourage me to lose weight so I could fit into it.

When he gave me the dress, he said that he was "looking forward to seeing you in it."

So for his birthday, I bought him a coffin.

There's a new rap group, of three really over weight white dudes from New York

The Obesity Boys

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Weight loss challenge

At the bar there was a guy who was fat and kept getting rejected by all the girls there.
Seeing this one man approaches the other fat guy.
He challenges him that he can make him slim in 30 days and charge him $15000. If he fails to do so he will pay the fat guy the same.
The fat guy accepts...

Clark Kent was lying in his death bed with his wife Lois Lane beside him.

After some time, Lois said “Darling, I have to confess something. Years ago, I had an affair with Superman. It was only one night, but I’ve regretted it ever since. I hope you can forgive me.”

“You don’t need to worry about that because,” Clark said as he took off his glasses, “I am Superman!...

Two friends meet after several months in the streat and they start talking

\+ You have lost a lot of weight! You look better!

\- Yeah, I have been going to a new gym. It is near here.

\+ Oh really? Do you have a strict monitor and a dietist?

\- No, the gym is so expensive that I barely have money to eat.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Once upon a time, there were two native tribes who were bitter enemies

One tribe lived in houses made of sticks, and the other tribe lived in houses made of grass. Each tribe had a sacred throne on which the tribe elder would sit and judge his people.

On day, the tribe who made their houses out of grass raided the village of the tribe who made their houses out ...

I got kicked out of Weight-Watchers for making mean spirited jokes.

I accepted the decision with huge grace.
Cos she got kicked out too.

My wife has a weight problem and refuses to talk about it.

Now whenever she is around, it's like there are two elephants in the room.

You look awesome! Did you lose weight?

Did you just call me fat and ugly retrospectively?

Not to make light of the gravity of the situation,

But this quarantine has really brought my wife and I closer together.

We have both gained so much weight that we are increasingly attracted to one another, by gravity.

A basketball player, a Mexican, and a terrorist are all on a plane. Long

The plane is going super slow so they all got rid of some weight. The basketball player said, "I have a ton of basketballs, I don't need this many," and threw some off the plane. The Mexican said, "I have a ton of tacos, I don't need this many," and threw some off the plane. The terrorist said, "I h...

Waiter: Sorry about your weight

Client: Oh, no it wasn't long at all
(waiter giggles)

When you spend 3 hours in line at Jenny Craig to see a weight loss consultant . . .

You over wait.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Italian Farmer was working the fields with his three sons and notices that two of them were out of breath because they were over weight.

He called over to his three sons and spoke to each of them.

Papa: "Luigi, why are you such a fat fuck?"
Luigi: "Papa, I love eating my wife's lasagna. It's so good!!!"
Papa: "Son, you need to take smaller bites."

Papa: "Mario, why are you such a fat fuck?"
Mario: "Papa, I lo...

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

Why was the weight lifter upset after lifting a case of Coke?

It was just soda pressing.

My kid has a weight problem, but the doctor says he will outgrow it.

He should. He outgrew everything else!

Weight loss pills stolen this morning -

police say suspects are still at large.

An American hiker walks to the edge of a Himalayan cliff, determined to end it all.

As he stares down at the rocks below, he notices movement out of the corner of his eye. He glances over to see a Buddhist monk standing between two trees, beckoning him over.

With nothing to lose, the man shuffles over to the monk, who is holding a string of prayer flags. "You trying to talk...

Two friends: a christian arab, and his indian friend were on a plane

Suddenly there was a turbulance and the captain announces “ this is the captain, I am sorry to inform you that we have technical problems with one engine and we need to loose some weight “ the passengers were upset when he continued “ we’ll be fair with everyone: Africans and asians we need you to ...

My cake day

I don't have a meme
I've been in quarantine
So I just hope this little rap
Will set you all in snap....
That....that....
I've been drinking my weight in whisky

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Frank takes his hot blind date, Heather, to an amusement park.

Frank and Heather agree that Heather should decide on the first thing to do, then Frank, then Heather, then Frank and so on.

"What do you want to do first?" asks Frank. "I want to get weighed," replies Heather.

So Frank takes Heather to the weight guesser. "Let me guess," says the weig...

Leave the obese kid alone

He already has enough weight to carry

Water can solve all your problems..

Want to lose weight?
Drink water.

Clear Face?
Drink water.

Tired of a person?
Drown them in water..

How do you know your girlfriend is putting on weight?

She starts fitting into your wife's clothes......

I've lost a third of my weight, but don't worry.

I'm ight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japanese, Brit and Indian

A Japanese, a brit and an Indian were traveling by a private jet with their personal belongings. Due to low fuel they were asked to throw off some of their belongings mid air to reduce the weight. They all agreed to discard items which were in abundance in their country.

The Japanese threw h...

My new weight-loss diet has me eating people. I think it's working.

It simply tastes skinny.

If you see results after exercising and lifting weights does that mean it’s...

...working out?

Joaquin Phoenix won an award for weight loss transformation into Arthur Fleck in "Joker".

Atrophy.

Smoking promotes weight loss

..eventually

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me if it was like having sex with a different woman since she put on some weight.

I said, not at all honey, it's more like having sex with two different women!

An obese man is visiting his doctor to try and lose some weight.

Doctor: So, what do you think is the reason you’re obese?

Obese Man: Well, obesity runs in my family.

Doctor: Alright, but nobody runs in your family.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new weight loss program

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious Health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, heran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself.
But desperate, he calls them up and subs...

A man goes to see the doctor about his weight

After getting off the scales the doctor starts to explain that he is too heavy for his height, being only 5’10 he is actually the weight of a healthy 6’ man.

When the man arrives home his wife asks if the doctor confirmed that he is over weight and needs to slim down.

Happily the man ...

I told my girlfriend she needed to lose a bunch of weight if she wanted to be happy.

She agreed and lost almost 200 pounds by breaking up with me.

My Wife decided to take up running to lose weight:

She said to me I am going to run 7 miles every day to lose weight.

I thought, great, in two weeks she will be 98 miles away:

Easy weight loss technique:

Step 1: Initiate Brexit.

Step 2: Lose 440 million pounds a week.

What is the weight of an influencer's brain?

One Instagram.

There’s a recent article with the headline “Why Exercise Won’t Help You Lose Weight”...

...looks like something a fat person would write.

I seem to have lost some weight.

If anyone finds it, please keep it.

I finally told my wife she had to lose weight

The first day, I couldn’t see anything.
The second day, I couldn’t see anything.
But on the third day, that third day I was able to open my eyes enough and was released from the hospital

If my ceiling fan could hold my weight...

I wouldn’t spend so much time on Reddit.

Blind guy walks into a bar

A blind man walks into a bar, and after getting a little tipsy he says to the bartender.
“Hey, do you want to hear a blond joke”

The bartender then replies “well before you start your joke there is a few things you need to know ... I’m blond 6ft 3 and im also an amateur boxer, my other fri...

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

I’m afraid my son will start to gain too much weight when he starts school.

I hear it’s normal for pupils to dilate.

Why don't pot smokers run in weighted clothing?

It's bad for your joints.

A very loud, grossly over-weight, and very unattractive woman walked into Walmart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no! They ain't no twins! Oldest one's nine, and the fat one's seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you b...

an American, an Arabian and a Vietnamese in a helicopter

Gasoline was low, the pilot tells them to get rid of unnecessary things to lower the weight.

The American throw a suitcase full of money and said: That just 10 million dollars, There's so many of them in my bank.

The Arabian throw a suitcase full of gold and said: That just 20 kilogram...

This site uses cookies to ensure you get the best experience on the site. By continuing to use the site, you agree to accept these cookies.

I genuinely just copied and pasted this off the weight watchers website

A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons

Everything is positive after that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fuck and Weight loss

A fat man saw an ad in a newspaper.....
"Lose 5kg in a week."

He called the company & lady said..
"be ready tomorrow at 6am."
The next morning he opened the door &
found a beautiful girl with shoes & skirt saying "u catch me, u fuck me!" & the girl started run...

How did the black hole lose so much weight?

It's simple, he ate light!

A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the d...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.