A Finn, Swede and Norwegian were on a plane. The pilot announced: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Norwegian dropped an orange off the plane. The pilot repeated: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Swede dropped a banana peel. Yet again there was the request: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Finn dropped a bomb. When the plane finally landed, the Finn, Swede and Norwe...

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds...

Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk

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My dating profile says " I'm 50 years old,but I have the body of a swimmer, the arms of a weight-lifter and the dick of a teenager."

The women that come over aren't too pleased when I open the freezer and show my collection.

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can c...

Losing weight is a piece of cake

Just don’t pick it up

If youre having trouble losing weight

Try gaining weight for new years resolution

Never ask a woman her weight, never ask a man his salary

And never ask UK's museum's owners how in the hell they have so many historical artefacts

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

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The weight loss method of the century.

A man is watching late night infomercials on a weekend night and sees an ad claiming their system will make you lose 10lbs in one week. The man calls and places an order and they tell him he'll have a package at the door on Monday. Monday morning he hears a knock on the door and answers it to see a ...

Why can't redditors lose weight?

Because their diet is mostly copypasta.

How does a satanist measure weight?

In pentagrammes

An American lost a lot of weight

When he switched to metric system

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There was a very, very unlucky man with a single testicle.

One day, he went on a plane. Unfortunately, a malfunction occurred. The flight crew announced that the plane was going down and one of the passengers had to be thrown out to reduce weight.

To determine the victim, passengers drew lots, and the unlucky man was chosen. He refused furiously, say...

What's the difference between garbage and a home gym's weights during the COVID quarantine?

The garbage gets picked up once a week.

Lady (to her doctor): "What l am worried about is my height and not my weight."

Doctor: "How come?"

Lady: "According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches."

How does a Millennial weight themselves?

In Instagrams







eta: yes, I saw the typo in the subject, about .01 after I hit "post", of course. Oh well! C'est la vie.

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper

You give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain…

I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at t...

There was a man who took very good care of his body. Every day he lifted weights and jogged 6 miles.

One day, he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was tanned all over, apart from on his ‘thing’.

So, he decided to do something about it…

He went to the beach, took off all his clothes and buried himself in the sand, except for his ‘thing’ which he left sticking out.

Two old...

While at work, I think I've finally come to a conclusion on why I'm still single. For years, I've blamed other people, or my weight, or my location, but I think I've found the real explanation.

If it hadn't been for Cotton Eyed Joe, I'd be married a long time ago.

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I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.

I only have two new years resolutions. One: to lose the weight I gained since the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

Them: Wow! You've lost so much weight.

Me: why thank you, I'm glad you noticed...
Them: yea we're just happy that there's less of you now.

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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

Which is heavier, 200 lbs of feathers, or 200 lbs of bricks?

The feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds

A doctor sees an obese women to advise her about weight loss.

The women defensively says, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese. My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity runs in my family." The doctor replies, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."

Cyberpunk 2077 has created a story about corporate interests crushing people under the weight of commodification and dehumanisation, with high tech stakes about a world full of technology gone awry.

The game has similar themes.

I don’t understand why I’m still gaining weight...

...I’ve added a salad to every meal

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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus’ weight when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger…

How do you know when your wife has suddenly put on weight?

When she sits on your face and you can’t hear the stereo.

I'm on a no seafood diet to lose weight

It's low crab.

I what is a crackers weight measured in?

In grahams.

When telling a fat man to lose weight you should not sugar coat it

Because he will eat that too

My girlfriend recently started categorizing small animals by height and weight. I'll have to end it with her...

She's always critter sizing.

I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but...

...I just finished it in 72 hours.

My sister wanted to lose weight so she ran 3-5 km a day for 2 months.

She's now in Mexico

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Fat Joe is having trouble losing weight and he hears about a new extreme workout.

He goes to the place and the man in charge leads him to a large circular room in which is a naked, beautiful woman with sign on her that reads "If you catch me, you can fuck me."

After many long tries, he eventually loses weight, catches her, and gets to enjoy a bit of the old in-out, in-out....

I tried to set up a weight loss group...

...but apparently calling it “The Fat Losers Club” isn’t acceptable.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Which weights more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs.

The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter. A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time ...

She went missing !

Husband: My wife is missing. She went mountain biking yesterday and has not come home!

Officer: Age?

Husband: I'm not sure. Somewhere between 25 and 35. We don't do birthdays.

Officer: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

OFFICER : Weig...

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A man was trying to lose weight

A man was trying to lose weight and stumbled upon an advertisement by a company that advertised weight loss of 10 pounds over the course of just one week. He decided he had nothing to lose so he decided to give it a try.

The very next day his training sessions started. He was greeted by a stu...

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A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.


He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.


"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass....

How to lose weight.

When I lost 104 pounds, people asked me how I did it.

I asked “Do you think you can lose one pound?” They said sure. Anyone can do that.

I told them “thats all I know how to do. I lost one pound every week, for 2 years. One pound at a time.”

True story.

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A fat man goes to a unique Health Centre that advertises weight loss and sex.

Intrigued by the ad, he goes in and asks the receptionist what this is all about.
She replies 'Well sir, it's exactly as we said, we have several formula and you can lose weight and have sex'
'Oh my' he says 'Let me try the first option then'
'Fair enough, that will be the door on your l...

Been lifting weights without much results. Saw a super ripped trainer at the gym and asked him how he got so jacked . . .

He paused and then said 'Let me show you the whey'.

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.


After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.


In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, '...

My wife started crying about her weight while we were eating our lunch.

I said, "Chin up love."

She said, "Thanks babe. I'm glad I have you to support me."

I replied, "No, I mean pull your chin up. It's in your soup."

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A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

A fat man lost his weight

Now, the gym doesn’t trust him with the weights anymore

My personal trainer told me how to lose weight just by not sitting, but he says it doesn't work for everyone.

I dunno about you, but I can stand to lose a few pounds.

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Basil worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and some...

My girlfriend has been gaining weight so I sat her down in the living room to talk to her.

I said "We need to talk about the elephant in the room"

Weight-loss pills are very effective...

They drain your bank account so you don’t have money for food.

I've taken up guessing the weight of Dogs by holding them in my hands over lock-down....

...I picked up a few pointers this morning!

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Sherry. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Sherry a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I do...

The Undertaker

So this woman goes to the undertaker to make arrangements for her husbands funeral. She says "Look, I've got some special requests for the service. First off,I want an open casket, so that people can pay their final respects, and secondly I want my husband buried in a blue suit." The undertaker s...

My boss said we need to remove the dead weight from our work.

Which is going to be tough, considering our job is in a morgue.

I got one of those talking bathroom scales that is supposed to read your weight to you

But when I step on it, it says "One at a time, please!"

My friends always complain that I can eat so much and never gain weight. I've told them its because I workout like crazy but they say I'm lying. Well they're kinda right, but I dont lie....

IBS.

I’d love to lose some weight...

but I never lose cause I’m a winner!

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

I once saw a weight commit crime

I thought “Weight that’s illegal”

Two burly, muscular men are in the gym, lifting weights...

One says to the other, "When I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's undies off!"

The other says, "Why's that?"

The first finishes, "Cause the elastic is killing me."

A rabbi and a priest

A rabbi and a priest meet up after a year not seeing each other.

The rabbi goes: "Man, you've put on some weight since last time!"

Priest: "Yeah I know, it is a new technique I came up with. You go to a restaurant, eat as much as you can. When the bill comes, you tell them you already ...

We are launching a Food App that will help you lose your weight

You'll order but we won't deliver.

My wife said if I don't lose weight then she'll file for a divorce.

Who wants to come over for a pizza tonight?

My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”

So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”

I went to fairground recently and there was a man doing 'Guess your weight' so i stood in the queue and when it got to my turn

The man said "That was about 15 minutes"....

After 4 months without the gym I finally went back and a great weight was lifted off my shoulders

After they removed the weight, the paramedics then took me to the hospital for extensive surgery.

A guy takes a girl on a date to the county fair...

When they get there, he asks her what she wants to do now. She says "I wanna get weighed." So he takes her to one of those guess your weight booths and she gets a prize. He asks her again what she wants to do. Again, "I wanna get weighed".

This goes on the whole night. Finally the guy gets f...

How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door.

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My wife recently pointed out to me all the weight I’ve gained. She like “you can’t even see your penis anymore”

I’m like “thats not true, I caught a glans the other day.”

My wife asked me if I was going to buy new pants now that my diet was done and I've finally reached my goal weight.

I told her I could never abandon them, they'd been with me through thick and thin.

Did you hear about the messenger who murdered someone with a 2.2 pound weight?

He said he was just delivering a killergram.

(Translated from polish) During a math class, teacher was asking first graders how many watermelons could they lift if one of them weighted about 3kg

Teacher: How many watermelons could you lift Sarah?

-I can lift one watermelon in my hands.

Teacher: Very good. What about you Tom?

-I could lift two watermelons! First one in my left hand and second one in my right hand.

Teacher: Great! And you Jonathan?

-I could ...

Which region of your brain is always worried about watching it’s weight?

The hippocampus

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A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes.

A woman has just lost a bunch of weight through diet pills and is at the department store buying new clothes. As she's trying on clothes, she proudly announces to the person at the fitting room "I'm buying new dresses because I just lost a bunch of weight, guess how much I weigh now!" The employee ...

When u get to college u get the freshman15 - what do u call the weight u gain during quarantine?

The Covid-19

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Weight Loss Challenge

A man calls a company and purchases their 5lbs in 5 days weight loss challenge. The next morning he gets a knock at the door, he answers to find this woman standing there naked and wearing a sign that says "If you can catch me, you can have me." She takes off running and the man takes off after her ...

I think about dieting sometimes...

It takes a lot of weight off my mind.

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Baby’s first check-up

A woman and a baby were sitting in a doctor’s examination room patiently waiting for the doctor to come give the baby his first exam.

The doctor arrived and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned asked if he was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

“Breast-fed” she re...

Everytime i lose weight

I find it again in the refrigerator

My wife hates when I make jokes about her weight.

She needs to lighten up.

Who says you can't lose weight by hitting the gym?

Last week I brought an annual membership. I lost 7 pounds ever since because I ran out of money to buy food.

Yesterday I was at a Weight Watchers party but nobody mentioned obesity.

There were just too many elephants in the room.

A woman goes to the doctor after a sudden weight gain...

The doctor looks over her test results, then looks at the woman and says "well, it looks like you're pregnant."

"Wow, I'm pregnant?" The woman asked.

"No, it just looks like you are" The doctor replied.

The french revolution

The french revolution was kind of a pain in the neck, but once it was over it was a weight off of some people's shoulders

Do you want to lose weight?

Go to a casino in the UK. You'll lose pounds by the minute.

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New Year's Resolution: a diet!

So a wife buys her husband a scale to help him with his new year's resolution: to go on a diet.

A week later the husband says, "Honey, this here scale is great! Now not only can I weigh myself, but now I know how much I'm shitting out on my new diet!"

The wife says, "That's great; I ne...

Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..

Put in my too-weak notice.

I told my husband I was going to weight training tomorrow...

He said hold on, just hold on a sec, hold on a little longer. Then he said “I’m giving you wait training now”

That literally just happened.

So my girlfriend has been putting on weight. When I pointed it out she got all upset and told me I should support the "Big Girl Movement".

I'm really trying, but it's starting to hurt my back.

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

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Penis weight

A penis has to be the lightest thing in the world.
Because even a thought can lift it.

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A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

A man goes to the doctor to discuss his stutter.

The man says, “D.D.D.D.D. Doctor. I.I.I.I. I can’t stop st.st.st. stuttering. P.P.P.P.P. Please help.”

After a thorough exam, the doctor tells the man, “We’ve found that your penis is 14 inches long and weighs 3 pounds. The strain of t...

The true reason that the Titanic sank...

The combined weight of all the time travelers that suddenly appeared onboard.

Last night I had a dream that I lost some weight

It was enlightening.

I go to the gym to lose weight

You can say that I’m a mass murderer

Why did Burt put on weight after he ate Mary Poppins' cake?

It was super calorific

Why did the chubby fish connoisseur not worry about his weight?

Because it was all mussel.

An overweight businessman decided it was time to shed some excess weight. He took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to avoid his favourite bakery.

One morning, however, he arrived at work carrying a gigantic muffin. The office all scolded him, but his smile remained cherubic.

“This is a very special muffin,” he explained. “I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window were a host of goodies. I felt this was no ...

Iceberg

A couple icebergs in Antarctica are best friends. They grew up together and have known each other since they were ice cubes.

One iceberg decides he's tired of all the cold weather, he tells his best friend he's going on a warm vacation for a couple weeks. A couple weeks pass by and he returns...

What Type of Drink Makes you Lose Weight?

Lighter fluid

Did you know that a giraffes neck is strong enough to support the weight of a human climbing on it?

Anyway, I got banned from my local zoo today

A leopard can carry something twice it's weight up a tree,

While a cougar can take something half her age into bed.

I used to be a heavy drinker

Then I lost weight.

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.

We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

My wife said that with all this going on she’s not going to take our 4 week old to the hospital just to have his weight checked.

No weigh.

When it comes to choosing between weight lifting or cardio workouts, I always choose cardio.

Cause it helps me in the long run ;)

Today is the anniversary of the Diet of Worms

Another weight loss fad

Baked beans

Once upon a time there lived a woman in Brampton who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them, but unfortunately they always gave her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a...

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How much weight do you lose after having a wisdom tooth taken out?

A molar mass.

Just like the "Freshman15", there are reports that this worldwide pandemic is causing some people to gain weight also.

It's called the "Covid-19".

A blonde gets a Fitbit for Christmas

Her friend tells her to always try to get to 10,000 steps a day to lose weight.

One night it's 11.30pm and her boyfriend hears footsteps downstairs. He goes down to find her walking around the living room backwards.

"What ARE you doing?" he asks.

"Melanie told me to do 10,000 s...

Got kicked out of Weight Watchers...

I dropped a bag of M&Ms.
Best damn game of Hungry Hungry Hippos I've ever played.

What happens when you drop a 14lb weight on 2 canaries?

You kill 2 birds with one stone.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

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Chemical Analysis of Women

Item: Chemical Analysis



Subject: Women



Symbol: Wo



Discovered by: Adam



Atomic Weight: Average expected as 150lb, but there are known isotopes ranging from 100lb to 250lb.


Occurrence: Surplus quanti...

Did you know that LSD is a really effective weight loss drug?

How are you supposed to eat if there’s a dragon guarding the fridge?

A great way to lose weight is to eat while naked

Restaurants will always throw you out before you can eat too much

An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy.

He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes?

The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."

My obese parrot died.

It was a huge weight off my shoulders.

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