UPJOKE
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I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

How did Sauron lose weight?

He ate in Mordoration

Why don't you ever see an over weight ghost?

They are deathly afraid of being exorcized

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Paddy’s doctor was telling him that he really needed to lose weight.

Paddy was insisting that he was a healthy weight and the doctor was wrong.
Doctor: When was the last time you saw your penis?
Paddy: It’s been a while.
Doctor: You really need to diet.
Paddy: What color is it now?

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A fat man wants to lose weight...

A fat man is looking for a way to lose weight. He has already tried all kinds of slimming diets and fitness programs, but they didn't work for him. One day, he comes across an ad that says: "New revolutionary method - weight loss 100% guaranteed. Satisfied or your money back!"
He thinks: "Since ...

A merchant told another "I'll trade you a barium atom and two sodiums for that weight measuring device."

"BaNaNa for scale?"

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

Where is the best place in Europe to lose weight?

An English Casino. You can lose hundreds of pounds in a few minutes.

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Intestinal worm-- long. Very long.

Man has horrible abdominal pain and weight loss. The wife finally convinces him to see a doctor.
He's diagnosed with an intestinal worm and is given treatments but it doesn't work. He sees several more doctors who all diagnose the same thing, an intestinal worm, but none of the treatments are w...

What's the difference between a rabbit lifting weights and a rabbit with a flower up it's nose?

Ones a Fit Bunny

The other is a Bit Funny

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Loosing weight is like golf…

None of us are any fucking good at it.

I hate when people make fun of my weight

They're just making a joke at my expanse

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

Yo mama's so fat....

Even her hopes and dreams are on weight watchers

The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight.

And America never loses

It's so hard to lose weight

When you have an overactive knife and fork!

For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked, because it's the most accurate way of measuring my weight.

If that's true, I still don't get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.

i know your weight isn't of the utmost concern

But we have to adress the elephant in the room

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

I love these definitions!

\-- Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.



\-- Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.



\-- Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



\-- Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. ...

I want to lose some weight

But I don't want to get caught up in one of those eat right and exercise scams.

My friend commented on my daughter's weight recently, I told him it's mostly puppy fat.

We should stop buying her pets, kid's a f\*cking pyscho.

What is Xi Jinping's favourite way to lose unwanted weight?

An elimination diet

You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head.

It's a loaf-hat-diet.

My conservative brother is considering buying free weights…

To own the lbs.

In terms of weight reduction, doing meth is way more effective than doing math

That's been methamatically proven

My doctor told me intermittent fasting is good for weight loss.

I told him it doesn't work for me.

I haven't lost any weight even though I've been doing it multiple times a day.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

How DARE you all make fun of 50 Cent’s weight from last night?!

It took a lot of courage for those two guys to hang upside down on national television!

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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

A Finn, Swede and Norwegian were on a plane. The pilot announced: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Norwegian dropped an orange off the plane. The pilot repeated: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Swede dropped a banana peel. Yet again there was the request: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Finn dropped a bomb. When the plane finally landed, the Finn, Swede and Norwe...

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.


One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so...

My new years resolution is to get down to the weight I was before the accident.

....and to stop calling it "the accident" when I eat too many snacks.

What do you call the weight of a porta-potty when the tank is full?

The gross weight

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At dinner yesterday evening, the dog was looking up at me trying to mooch for food.



She said, "You're really a great cook! I love the fresh foods you pick, and the seasoning is amazing!"

I glared down at her and said, "Nice try, but after you ate that deer poop in the yard this afternoon your opinions on food quality don't carry much weight around here."

See if you can guess which sub this got removed from:

I just traded a piece of fruit for a weight measuring device....

Banana for scale

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It was always important to Jim that he care for his bod so he lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.

One morning he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. He decided he had to do something about it.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

A bi...

I'm a renowned computer science professor, but that doesn't carry much weight with my mother.

After I got my PhD, she introduced me to friends by saying, *“This is my daughter. She's a doctor, but not the kind who helps people.”*

Those who are afraid of gaining weight, should drink a shot of whiskey before every meal…

alcohol reduces fear.

Mother Superior is travelling

Mother Superior was traveling by bus with a young novice nun.

They had to change buses in anothyer city.

They had packed a lunch and found a bench in the bus station to spread their lunch on a cloth between them.

As they ate the young novice noticed a large scale in a corner t...

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it’s starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “d...

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My dating profile says " I'm 50 years old,but I have the body of a swimmer, the arms of a weight-lifter and the dick of a teenager."

The women that come over aren't too pleased when I open the freezer and show my collection.

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

How do I talk to my girlfriend about her weight without starting a fight?

Whenever I bring it up with my wife she gets upset.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

At mid-forties the Doctor says I'm too heavy for my Height VS Weight chart ....

He told me to lose 40#, I told him it will just be easier to grow to 7 foot.

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Once upon a time..

..there was a king who had an attractive queen as his wife. Naturally all the ministers in his court took a liking to her beauty and secretly wanted to have their way with her.

A neighboring kingdom waged war against the king so he had to go over there to make peace talks.

The minister...

The doctor said to me, we need to talk about your weight.

I said, well it was about 25minutes but the chairs are quite comfortable.

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that. It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

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Bill and Joe hadn't seen each other in a long time and run in to each other in town.

After greetings and handshakes, Joe says to Bill, "you look like you've lost a lot of weight, have you been sick?

Bill "yes, I have terrible allergies, and every time I sneeze, I ejaculate."

Joe "Oh no, what do you take for that?"

Bill "ragweed!"

A husband rudely said to his wife that she had really let herself go and put on a lot of weight since they got married

The wife replied by saying before she got married she used to get home at night and look in the fridge but because nothing looked appealing she would go to bed. But now that she's married when she gets home at night she'd look in the bedroom but as nothing in there looks appealing she goes to the fr...

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A white man goes to his Doctor and asks how he can make his penis as large as a black man's penis.

His Doctor tells him to take a 1lb weight and tie a string to it and attach that to the head of his penis. A proven method of stretching the Doc assures him and tells him to report back in a week's time.

Man visits his Doc a week later and the Doc says let us have a look. Guy drops his trou...

Have you lived here all your life?

asked a salesman of a lean, lantern-jawed Tennessee mountaineer who stood idly leaning against a rail fence.

The mountaineer shifted his weight from one foot to the other and replied, "Not yit."



Source: 1913 newspaper

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A joke a 70 year old man I met in a bar told me

A bunch of sperm cells are sitting around in a guy's balls. All of them are normal, except for one cell named Dave. Dave is lifting weights, doing push-ups, sit-ups, and running. The other sperm cells ask him what he's doing. He gives an answer:

"Listen guys, there are millions of us here. On...

Elon musk should tweet about my weight

So it would plummet, too.

Instead of the keto diet, I'm losing weight with the Kato diet

I have to wear green eyeshades and spar with my karate-chopping partner.

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know h...

Since I lost weight I've stopped giving money to the homeless.

Lean and mean.

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.<...

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

You know what’s really worth its weight in gold?

Gold.

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Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive.

Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.

We sell piglets by weight and my wife has a unique way of weighing them.

She grasps their tail in her mouth, lifts them, proudly announcing their weight.
When checked on a scale, she's never wrong!
The other day a customer showed up and my wife was not around. "Where is your mother?" I asked my son, he replied "Oh she's in the house, weighing the mailman".

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I walked in the pub with my gorgeous fiance .

Barman said " Punching above your weight there aren't you, pal? Where did you find her?"

"I met her in Thailand," I replied. "We're due to get married next month."

"You don't want to get married," he laughed . "That's when the blowjobs stop."

"I don't mind that," I replied. "I h...

Never ask a woman her weight, never ask a man his salary

And never ask UK's museum's owners how in the hell they have so many historical artefacts

Losing weight is a piece of cake

Just don’t eat the cake

I asked a dietician for one tip on how to lose weight

Dietician: don't eat anything fatty

Me: thanks

Dietician: you're welcome fatty

Weight loss

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

"Honey, I bought you a new Weight Loss Tape!"

"How the hell are we gonna play a tape?!"



"No silly, it goes over your mouth"

I am starting my new venture, a startup healthy food delivery app that will help all to reduce weight dramatically!...

Basically it works as follows: You place your order, and I don't deliver the food at all.

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Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

Sister Ann Putting on Weight

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas." A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit ba...

Overweight guy goes to the doctor for some weight control help

Doctor gives him an Rx for 100 diet pills with the following instructions

Every morning, dump the pills all over the floor and bend down to pick them up, one at a time..

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[NSFW] A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.

He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.

"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass."

Th...

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This is long and I'm not sure if it's worth reading.

Two guys were sitting in a bar. One said: ‘Did you hear the
news – Mike is dead?’
‘How?’ gasped the other. ‘What happened to him?’
‘Well, he was on his way over to my house the other day and
when he pulled up outside, he didn’t brake properly and – bang
– he hit the pavement...

My doctor said I had to lose some weight.....

He said, Stop eating fatty.

I asked, You mean like fried foods and bacon?

He said, No fatty, just stop eating.

Why doesn't DJ Khaled lose weight?

Becauses he never loses, he always wins.

A banker, a blacksmith, and a demolitions expert are all on a small plane.

The engine on the plane starts to fail and the pilot says to the three passengers on board
“Throw your least important belongings over the plane so that we can lighten the load on the engine”

The banker decides that his pennies weigh the most and have the least value so he throws all of th...

How does a satanist measure weight?

In pentagrammes

My brother was having a tough time losing weight.

Our sister thought he should cut back gradually, so one day she asked, “Mike would you like to split a doughnut with me?”
Mike answered, “Want to split two?”

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

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I wish Frasier would have a show about a copy editor in 1942 Germany that's blind, bilingual, narcoleptic, and obsessed with weights and measures.

He'd be a Grammar Grammer gram-er Nazi not-see nod si.

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I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.

-Dad, Dad, do farts have weight?

-No Timmy, they don’t.


-Then I shat myself.

Did you know?

If you leave a weight on your keyboard, it willllllllllllllllllllllll

Just joined Weight Watchers online program

They asked me to accept cookies as a test. I did and never I receive it. I guess that's part of the program...

For over a year I've done everything possible to try and lose my extra weight.

I've been eating right, working out, going for daily walks but it just wont work. She's still there when I get back.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

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I'm so close to my goal weight I can taste it....

.... cause it's the only fucking thing I'm allowed to taste these days.

A doctor sees an obese women to advise her about weight loss.

The women defensively says, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese. My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity runs in my family." The doctor replies, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."

Weight lifting sheep

Really raises the bahhhh

Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds...

Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk

Want to know that fastest way to lose weight?

Amputation

What was the farmer priest doing when he started gaining weight?

Cultivating Mass

Which is heavier? 1kg of steel or 1kg of feathers?

The feathers because you have to carry the weight of what you did to those birds.

I could easily lose weight

but momma raised no loser.

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and ...

To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..

You'll have nothing to gain!!!

Yesterday I was at a Weight Watchers party but nobody mentioned obesity.

There were just too many elephants in the room.

What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?

A masstermind

An American lost a lot of weight

When he switched to metric system

A large man goes to his doctor concerned about his weight.

“I really need to lose some weight. What is the best way to do that?”

The doctor replied, “Don't eat anything fatty.”

“What, you mean stuff like burgers and chips, pizza, bacon, etc?”

“No, as I said before, fatty, don't eat anything"

Weight Loss

Around 20 years ago, I lost 200 lbs in 1 day.
Yea, I divorced her

What's a fast way to lose ten pounds of ugly weight?

Cut off your head.

How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door.

Which weights more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

My administrative assistant is suing me. She walked into my office last week and said, “it looks like you’ve lost weight!”

All I said was, “thanks for bringing it back”.

I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but...

...I just finished it in 72 hours.

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Fuck and Weight loss

A fat man saw an ad in a newspaper.....
"Lose 5kg in a week."

He called the company & lady said..
"be ready tomorrow at 6am."
The next morning he opened the door &
found a beautiful girl with shoes & skirt saying "u catch me, u fuck me!" & the girl started run...

I’ve put on weight so I called Weight Watchers and asked if they could send someone round…

They said ‘Yeah we can, we’ve got loads of them’.

A terribly overweight blonde woman goes to her doctor about her weight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

“I want you to eat vegetables and grains for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.

The next time I see you, you will have lost at least 5 pounds.”

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

“Why, that’s amazing!” the d...

What do fat ghosts need to do to lose weight?

Exorcise

You'd think that walking around an entire island would make me lose weight.

But no, it's in my kitchen.

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

I told my husband I was going to weight training tomorrow...

He said hold on, just hold on a sec, hold on a little longer. Then he said “I’m giving you wait training now”

That literally just happened.

I went to fairground recently and there was a man doing 'Guess your weight' so i stood in the queue and when it got to my turn

The man said "That was about 15 minutes"....

My girlfriend has been gaining weight so I sat her down in the living room to talk to her.

I said "We need to talk about the elephant in the room"

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs.

The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter. A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time ...

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