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I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.

I just handed in my too weak notice.

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Loosing weight is like golf…

None of us are any fucking good at it.

My conservative brother is considering buying free weights…

To own the lbs.

My friend commented on my daughter's weight recently, I told him it's mostly puppy fat.

We should stop buying her pets, kid's a f\*cking pyscho.

You can lose weight by putting sliced bread on your head.

It's a loaf-hat-diet.

My doctor told me intermittent fasting is good for weight loss.

I told him it doesn't work for me.

I haven't lost any weight even though I've been doing it multiple times a day.

What is Xi Jinping's favourite way to lose unwanted weight?

An elimination diet

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."

I looked at her, confused and said,"That'...

the local weight watchers had an alumni meeting

Everyone who showed up was a looser

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Befor...

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Went to the doctors and asked, "What's the best exercise to lose weight?"

He said, "just shake your head"

I said, "How often?"

He replied, "whenever someone offers you food you fat cunt!"

So I noticed my wife put on some weight lately

For her birthday I got her a dress 2 sizes smaller with a note “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this” thinking this might motivate her.

The next day, I found the exact same note for me except it was on a pack of large sized condoms.

The reason why many Americans don't eat healthy, is because eating healthy would cause you to lose weight.

And America never loses

I want to lose some weight

But I don't want to get caught up in one of those eat right and exercise scams.

In terms of weight reduction, doing meth is way more effective than doing math

That's been methamatically proven

My new years resolution is to get down to the weight I was before the accident.

....and to stop calling it "the accident" when I eat too many snacks.

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It was always important to Jim that he care for his bod so he lifted weights and jogged six miles every day.

One morning he looked in the mirror and noticed that he was suntanned all over with the exception of his penis. He decided he had to do something about it.

He went to the beach, undressed completely, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

A bi...

Those who are afraid of gaining weight, should drink a shot of whiskey before every meal…

alcohol reduces fear.

I'm a renowned computer science professor, but that doesn't carry much weight with my mother.

After I got my PhD, she introduced me to friends by saying, *“This is my daughter. She's a doctor, but not the kind who helps people.”*

How DARE you all make fun of 50 Cent’s weight from last night?!

It took a lot of courage for those two guys to hang upside down on national television!

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

Easily lose weight by cutting these two things out of your diet:

Breakfast and dinner.

My dad told me this joke please laugh.

What do you call the weight of a porta-potty when the tank is full?

The gross weight

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon

Putin, Biden and Zelensky are all in a hot air balloon and it’s starting to lose altitude. They need to lose some weight to stop from crashing.

Putin throws out a bottle of vodka and says “don’t worry I’ve got too much of that in my country anyway”

Biden throws out an AR-15 and says “d...

Which is heavier? 1kg of steel or 1kg of feathers?

The feathers because you have to carry the weight of what you did to those birds.

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.<...

The doctor said to me, we need to talk about your weight.

I said, well it was about 25minutes but the chairs are quite comfortable.

A husband rudely said to his wife that she had really let herself go and put on a lot of weight since they got married

The wife replied by saying before she got married she used to get home at night and look in the fridge but because nothing looked appealing she would go to bed. But now that she's married when she gets home at night she'd look in the bedroom but as nothing in there looks appealing she goes to the fr...

A bus full of ugly people drives off a cliff.

They all make it to Heaven. When they get there God makes them all form a single-file line before the pearly gates and explains to them that as you enter paradise, you can make one wish, so long as it's not to come back to life or anything that interferes with the world of the living.

The...

Since I lost weight I've stopped giving money to the homeless.

Lean and mean.

Elon musk should tweet about my weight

So it would plummet, too.

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My dating profile says " I'm 50 years old,but I have the body of a swimmer, the arms of a weight-lifter and the dick of a teenager."

The women that come over aren't too pleased when I open the freezer and show my collection.

A Finn, Swede and Norwegian were on a plane. The pilot announced: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Norwegian dropped an orange off the plane. The pilot repeated: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Swede dropped a banana peel. Yet again there was the request: "Too much weight! Too much weight!"

The Finn dropped a bomb. When the plane finally landed, the Finn, Swede and Norwe...

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

How do I talk to my girlfriend about her weight without starting a fight?

Whenever I bring it up with my wife she gets upset.

After gaining weight, My husband bought me a dress 2 sizes below and says...

"I look forward to seeing you in it".

So for his birthday I bought him a coffin.

Water solves so many health problems.

Want to lose weight? Drink water.

Want clearer skin? Drink water.

Suffer from migraines? Drink water.

People causing you anxiety? Drown them in water.

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Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

Hair loss competition

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I recently entered a competition to see who gained the most weight and lost the most hair," he tells the bartender. "What the heck? Why?" the bartender asks. "Oh, they didn't call it that," the guy replies. "It was advertised as 'high school class reunion,'...

I am starting my new venture, a startup healthy food delivery app that will help all to reduce weight dramatically!...

Basically it works as follows: You place your order, and I don't deliver the food at all.

Yo mama is so fat.

Her weight loss program was featured on: Top 10 failed megaprojects.

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A man buys a second hand car

A man buys a second hand car. It's an old, run down Datsun.
The man buys the car, but as he's driving home it breaks down. When he lifts the hood, he notices that there's a cog missing.

He calls a mechanic, but he tells the man that Datsun had run out of business years ago, and that he wo...

Where fat goes

Not a joke, but a report on the radio out of Orlando, FL some years ago as part of a program where kids wrote NASA engineers their questions.

Kid: When I lose weight, where does the fat go?

NASA Engineer: My girlfriend

Sister Ann Putting on Weight

"Sister Ann, aren't you putting on a little weight?" inquired Father Dan during his visit to the convent, suspiciously eyeing her bulging belly. "Why, no Father," answered the nun demurely, "It's just a little gas." A few months later Father Dan put the same question to the nun noticing her habit ba...

"Honey, I bought you a new Weight Loss Tape!"

"How the hell are we gonna play a tape?!"



"No silly, it goes over your mouth"

How do you check the weight of a Red Hot Chilli Pepper?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.

A guy and a girl go on a first date.

They go to the carnival that is in town. The guy asks her, what's the first thing you want to do? She says to get weighed. He's says alright let's go, takes her to the carny that that will guess her weight. The carny guesses 108lbs, she says he's wrong that she's 112lbs. So she gets to pick out a st...

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A bricklayer has an accident at work and is being investigated, as the insurance company doesn't believe his injuries are real. They demand that he send them a description of the accident.

So he writes:

"I'm a bricklayer by trade. I had finished building the guard rail on the roof of the building. I use a barrel and pulley system to raise supplies up to the roof, and loaded the barrel up with the leftover bricks and my tools, weighing approximately 300 lbs, and then went below ...

62-year old Walter was in Dr. Miller's exam room for his annual checkup...

As the exam came to a close the doctor asked if Walter had any other questions about his health.

"Well, Doc, I've gained a bit more weight in the midsection, y'see, and, uh, when I look down I...well..I can't see the ol' captain anymore, if you know what I mean. What do you recommend?"
...

A college fellow is trying to find a date to take to the county fair - and maybe a little more afterwards.

After some fruitless searching, a buddy of his says "I know this cute girl, Ruby, that you ought to meet!" So he arranges for them to meet and go to the county fair together.

Well, they get there, he shows Ruby around and asks her "What do you want to do?"

"I wanna get weighed!" says ...

Weight loss

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

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Side effects may include weight gain, depression and loss of sex drive.

Ask your doctor if marriage is right for you.

You know what’s really worth its weight in gold?

Gold.

My brother was having a tough time losing weight.

Our sister thought he should cut back gradually, so one day she asked, “Mike would you like to split a doughnut with me?”
Mike answered, “Want to split two?”

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Weight loss center

Fat guy walks into a radical new weight loss center, that guarantees results.

Receptionist: How many pounds do you want to lose today?
Guy: Today?! Yeah, right, let's say 2.
Receptionist: 1st floor please, room 12, you have 3 hours.

He walks in a large empty room, sees a beauti...

Why doesn't DJ Khaled lose weight?

Becauses he never loses, he always wins.

Never ask a woman her weight, never ask a man his salary

And never ask UK's museum's owners how in the hell they have so many historical artefacts

Weight lifting sheep

Really raises the bahhhh

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer

than the men who mention it.

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I wish Frasier would have a show about a copy editor in 1942 Germany that's blind, bilingual, narcoleptic, and obsessed with weights and measures.

He'd be a Grammar Grammer gram-er Nazi not-see nod si.

An architect, a physicist, and a mathematician are sleeping in a hotel. It suddenly catches fire in the middle of the night

The architect is the first to wake up to the fire.

“This hotel is similar in design to many i studied during college. If I recall correctly, I should be able to find the fire exit with ease” he notes to himself.

He runs out of his room, down the stairs, and locates a fire exit and es...

Overweight guy goes to the doctor for some weight control help

Doctor gives him an Rx for 100 diet pills with the following instructions

Every morning, dump the pills all over the floor and bend down to pick them up, one at a time..

Losing weight is a piece of cake

Just don’t eat the cake

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So my doctor told me

For men, every 10lbs of weight loss his penis grows a quarter of an inch. That's why I lost 400lbs

My doctor said I had to lose some weight.....

He said, Stop eating fatty.

I asked, You mean like fried foods and bacon?

He said, No fatty, just stop eating.

-Dad, Dad, do farts have weight?

-No Timmy, they don’t.


-Then I shat myself.

Just joined Weight Watchers online program

They asked me to accept cookies as a test. I did and never I receive it. I guess that's part of the program...

I asked a dietician for one tip on how to lose weight

Dietician: don't eat anything fatty

Me: thanks

Dietician: you're welcome fatty

I could stand to lose some weight

I could also walk to lose a bit more

For over a year I've done everything possible to try and lose my extra weight.

I've been eating right, working out, going for daily walks but it just wont work. She's still there when I get back.

My wife told me she and her sister started a weight loss competition to see who can shed the most pounds before their cousin's wedding this summer.

"I hope you win" was not the correct response.

What was the farmer priest doing when he started gaining weight?

Cultivating Mass

A man meets his Tinder date at a carnival.

"There's so many games!" he said, "What do you wanna do?"

"I wanna get weighed." she says, shyly looking at the ground.

They go to the GUESS-Your-WEIGHT booth and she wins a stuffed animal.

"What next?" he asks.

"I wanna get weighed." she says, confidently looking at him....

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.

The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.

She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"

Blonde: "I a...

I called my local Weight Watchers and said "It's an emergency, can you send somebody round?"

They said "Yes we can, we've got loads of them"

Want to know that fastest way to lose weight?

Amputation

I could easily lose weight

but momma raised no loser.

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I'm so close to my goal weight I can taste it....

.... cause it's the only fucking thing I'm allowed to taste these days.

Weight Loss

Around 20 years ago, I lost 200 lbs in 1 day.
Yea, I divorced her

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Black.

A white man in his thirties decides he has put on too much weight during lockdown so he joins the local gym, he arrives for his first session, only to find that the rest of the group are big, muscular black guys, after a bit of gentle ribbing, they show him how to use the equipment and help him comp...

How does a satanist measure weight?

In pentagrammes

To the guy who stole my weight loss pills..

You'll have nothing to gain!!!

My wife just completed an arm workout by mail

Every week they send her some weights in the mail.

It didn't do much good, but you should see the postman

What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?

A masstermind

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I just tried to set up an account on the Weight Watchers website.

Asked me "will you accept cookies?", the piss-taking bastards.

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[NSFW] A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.

He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.

"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass."

Th...

Two guys in a bar...

One says "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!" "Wooo, what the hell happened to him?" "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the pavement and the car flips up and he crashed through the sunroof - Went...

My administrative assistant is suing me. She walked into my office last week and said, “it looks like you’ve lost weight!”

All I said was, “thanks for bringing it back”.

A large man goes to his doctor concerned about his weight.

“I really need to lose some weight. What is the best way to do that?”

The doctor replied, “Don't eat anything fatty.”

“What, you mean stuff like burgers and chips, pizza, bacon, etc?”

“No, as I said before, fatty, don't eat anything"

An American lost a lot of weight

When he switched to metric system

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I realize I've put on some weight, so I joined an aerobics class.

When I got there I jumped and gyrated and bent and twisted. But by the time I got my gym shorts on the hour was over.

A doctor sees an obese women to advise her about weight loss.

The women defensively says, "Look, I'm obese. My sister is obese. My mother is obese. My kids are obese. My brother is obese. Obesity runs in my family." The doctor replies, "It sounds like nobody runs in your family."

Thinking about how much weight I've put on over the pandemic, I can't help wishing that I stayed in Britain…

I'd eat pizza every day and I'd just keep losing pounds.

What's a fast way to lose ten pounds of ugly weight?

Cut off your head.

Lifting weights changed my life. I dropped 25 pounds...

Right on my big toe. It’s broken now I can hardly walk

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Getting a vasectomy soon.....

I'm saving this joke to tell my wife when I get home from the consult because she's been on me to lose weight a lot lately.


Great news, babe. The dick doc said I can jerk off WHENEVER I want.
His exact words were "You could have a stroke at any time" but I know what he meant.

You'd think that walking around an entire island would make me lose weight.

But no, it's in my kitchen.

Control system theory joke

As Polish airline is flying into New York City, the captain announces over the address system, “for those of you on the right side of the aircraft, you can see the Statue of Liberty out your window.“

Immediately everyone in the seats on the left crowded into the right side, leaning over the o...

Due to recent changes, 50 cent has changed his citizenship to the UK.

After experiencing weight gain, he is being converted to UK currency and will now be known as "50 pounds".

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A man walks into a bar…

Takes a seat and orders a drink. There’s a bowl of peanuts on the bar. He leans over to take one and is shocked to hear the peanuts talking to him.

‘Hey handsome, looking GOOD’

‘Did you lose weight? You’re looking really fit’

Confused, he accepts the praise and nurses his drin...

Calling your wife a “cow” won’t encourage her to lose weight.

Heifer go to the gym

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A woman went into a doctor's office with a baby. She's taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. The doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman.

"Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examining table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor s...

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A passenger has just boarded a plane to moscow.

After the boarding process was complete, the plane started to wobble, then a few minutes later the stewardess started to remove a passenger from the plane one by one before moving them back to their seat.

Suddenly , the final passenger was removed from the plane and the plane started to move ...

I took our body weight scale out to weigh myself

And after stepping on the scale I pulled in my stomach, to which my girlfriend reacted: "you know that doesn't help at all". I told her "sure it does, now I can see the numbers"

What do fat ghosts need to do to lose weight?

Exorcise

Which weights more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?

A gallon of water. Butane is a lighter fluid.

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Guys, I've finally touched a pair of boobs!

Man I really should start losing weight :(

An aging farmer decided it was time for his youngest son to start pulling his weight around the farm.

His older, strong-armed and favoured son, Jedediah worked hard every day, getting up extra early every morning to milk the cow before dutifully doing the rest of his chores.

The farmers delicious milk became very popular around the area with neighbours often walking miles in for a glass and ...

Covid lockdown has me gaining weight so I started a new diet

Its called Two weeks to flatten Your curves

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The weight loss method of the century.

A man is watching late night infomercials on a weekend night and sees an ad claiming their system will make you lose 10lbs in one week. The man calls and places an order and they tell him he'll have a package at the door on Monday. Monday morning he hears a knock on the door and answers it to see a ...

I needed to lose some weight so I went on a 3 month diet plan. I don't want to brag, but...

...I just finished it in 72 hours.

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

A lot of guys struggle to add muscle

Take my cousin, for example. He has a very strict diet and always sticks to his regimen. He never skips a day. The dude is still a skeleton, basically. Some people just struggle to add weight. Granted, his regimen mostly includes heroin, but still.

Man and his wife join a weight loss club. They're told to try and lose at least 2 pounds by the next week.

When they return after a week the mentor asks them how much they lost.

The wife begins, "I lost 10 pounds".

"That's amazing! Well done, and you?" He says, pointing at the husband.

"Well, I actually gained 10 pounds", the husband responds.

"Oh, that's no good at all. H...

How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door.

I'm on a no seafood diet to lose weight

It's low crab.

Yesterday I was at a Weight Watchers party but nobody mentioned obesity.

There were just too many elephants in the room.

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

There guy goes to a weight loss clinic and says he needs to lose 20 lbs.

The receptionist sends him upstairs, where he finds a beautiful naked woman with a sign that says "If you catch me, you can screw me." An hour later, he emerges, sated and 20 lbs. lighter. A month later, he returns and needs to lose 50 lbs. The receptionist sends him upstairs again, but this time ...

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