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Out of curiosity, I measured my cock and got 8 inches.

I felt fine until I realized I had the ruler turned backwards.

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What do you call a guy who hasn’t measured his penis?

A liar

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If sexines was measured by how smart you are

I would still be ugly

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

Did you hear about the carpenter who only measured floors losing his construction job?

I heard he got fired because he never measured up

What units is regicide measured in?

Kiloliters

I what is a crackers weight measured in?

In grahams.

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

I found ten rocks yesterday, all of which measured exactly 1760 yards in length.

Must be some kind of milestone.

I know my steak's going to taste good. Just measured it. 23cm.

A prime cut.

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A priest, an engineer and a mathematician stand on the roof of a burning house.

The only way down seems to be a big leap down into a nearby pool. The house is high though and the pool small.

The priest is ready right away for his leap of faith. "So god help me!" He says, takes a second to gather himself, sprints towards the edge and jumps. He just barely misses the pool....

A woman had chronic headaches.

She had them since she was in her early teens, and had gone to the doctor, had x-rays, scans, medication, and nothing seemed to help. Finally, she went to a headache specialist, and he told her that her left breast was the cause. The only treatment was to remove the breast. The good news was that he...

I just found out that there are at least three different ways that temperature is measured

I learned about it from my local K-F-C

Why is a Stormtrooper's height of 5'11" measured in feet and inches?

They use Imperial measurements

A woman with a 69 inch waist goes to the doctor (Calculator Joke)

A woman went to the doctor.

He measured a waist of 69 inches (type into calculator).

He said that that was too, too, too, much (type 222).

And gave her 51 pills (type 51).

But she took 8 times that my (type x8)

Do you know what happened? She became...(Hit = and fli...

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The guy with the giant penis

There once was a man with a 50 centimeter long schlong. He could not find any partners because it was too long. So he went to the Doctor’s office.

«Doctor, please help me! My penis is too long and I want it sportened, is there anything you can do?»

- «No.» said the doctor. «But.. There...

What was the tiny golf course measured in?

Par secs

Once there was a tribe ruled by an evil witch doctor.

Whenever someone spoke up against his reign, he used his magic to turn them into an apple. One day, a small group of tribesmen had enough and decided to steal the witch doctor's magic spell book and turn him into an apple. However, the book said that if the mass of the apple ever changed too much, t...

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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention.

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were in a hotel for a convention. Then, in the middle of the night for no apparent reason, a fire breaks out in the engineer's wastebasket. The engineer rushes over to the bathroom, empties out the ice bucket, fills it with water and pours it into the ...

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After returning home from the Vietnam war, a general stands before three of his soldiers.

He says, “For your bravery and dedication, you will be greatly rewarded. This is what we’re going to do: choose any length of your body to be measured, and I will give you as many million dollars as feet the part you chose is long.”

The first soldier spreads his arms as much as he can and ask...

What is the most painful way to be measured

In megahertz

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Yesterday evening, a friend of mine was thrown out by his girlfriend because he measured his penis.

For protocol, it goes to the throat of her sister.

I was in the shoe shop getting my feet measured.

"Hmm," she said, "I'd say you're a 5 and a half...possibly a 6."

I said, "Shut up, you aren't too good looking yourself!"

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Research reveals stronger people have healthier brains - A study of nearly half a million people has revealed that muscular strength, measured by handgrip, is an indication of how healthy our brains are.

My fucking night time activities have finally made me a genius!

Why was the Death Star measured in miles?

Because they used Imperial units.

My friend told me how electricity is measured and I was like

Watt

Inspired by a recent ELI5: "Why is milk measured in gallons and soda in litres", I present this oldie...

Q: What comes in quarts?

.

.


A: Elephants

I bought a package with pre-measured ingredients to make Vietnamese soup, but the instructions were so hard to follow I gave up.

No surprise, I guess--it was called PhoKit.

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I measured my penis today and it said 11.7 inches.

Then I realized the ruler was backwards.

Credit to /u/TodoJaw21

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So, I measured my penis with one of those digital rulers...

...Anyone know how to convert LOL into inches?

What is Buddhism measured in?

Oooohms

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

A blonde walks into a bar looking frustrated

The bartender asks her, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the hor...

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