Alarmed Jokes - 15 Hilarious Alarmed Jokes

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said, alarmed by the sound. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was alarmed to find out that currently there is a tampon shortage in the US.

I said, “Someone needs to pull some strings.”

OMG!!! I was sitting in the Nordstrom bathroom stall

And had just sat down when a voice in the next stall over said “Hi! How are
You??”. Embarrased, I said “I’m fine?”. The voice continued “So what are you up to??” I said “Just sitting here like you!” Then the voice says “Can I come over??” Thoroughly annoyed and somewhat alarmed at this point I sa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife was making breakfast for her husband when he ran into the kitchen with an alarmed expression

"TURN 'EM EGGS!! TURN'EM BEFORE THEY BURN!!!".

"GOOD LORD, WE ARE GOING TO NEED MORE BUTTER!!! GET IT! GET IT!!! DAMN THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!!"

The wife looked at him with a puzzled expression and continued.

"HOLY ! NOT SO MUCH SALT AND PEPPER!!! JUST A BIT!! YOU WILL RUIN...

“Mom, don't get alarmed, but I’m at the hospital.”

“Son, please. You’ve been a surgeon there for 8 years now. Can we start our phone calls differently?”

I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed.

And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor.

Just walked past a sign that read, "This fire door is alarmed"...

So I give it a little rub and told it everything is going to be ok.

An employee is absent.

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice. Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."

"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispere...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

after surgery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
"You'll be fine," he said.
She asked ...
“How long will it be before I am able to have a normal life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed th...

Stats joke..

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what ...

I was in the library today and I saw a sign on the emergency exit that said, "This door is alarmed"...

And I wondered, what startled it?

The clinic where I had my recent testicular cancer exam called me and asked, “Did you get our email?” Rather alarmed, I exclaimed, “No! What should I do!?" They replied...

“You better check your junk.”

A blind man with a guide dog went into a store. Suddenly the man picked his dog up by the tail and started turning around in place. The store clerk, alarmed by this strange behavior said , "can I help you? "

“No thanks said the blind man. I’m just taking a look around.”

my husband, who works in a funeral home

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was...

An English sailor just off the coast of Germany discovers that his boat is taking on water.

Alarmed, he calls the German coastguard by radio: "Hello coastguard, I'm sinking, I'm sinking!"

There is a pause for a few seconds, before the coastguard replies, "OK ... Vat are you sinking about?"

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.