UPJOKE
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My wife was alarmed to find out that currently there is a tampon shortage in the US.

I said, “Someone needs to pull some strings.”

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said, alarmed by the sound. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wife. ...

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

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A man goes to the doctor for a physical. He tells the doctor not to be alarmed, but he has 5 penises.

The doctor says, " 5 penises!? How do your pants fit?"

The man replies, " like a glove."

A man goes to a doctor...

for excruciating pains he's having in his abdomen. The doctor prescribes him suppositories, convinced that this will correct the issue.

About a week later, the doctor receives a call from the man, furious that his condition has gotten worse.

Surprised and alarmed, the doctor calmly ask...

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Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

“Mom, don't get alarmed, but I’m at the hospital.”

“Son, please. You’ve been a surgeon there for 8 years now. Can we start our phone calls differently?”

The clinic where I had my recent testicular cancer exam called me and asked, “Did you get our email?” Rather alarmed, I exclaimed, “No! What should I do!?" They replied...

“You better check your junk.”

The little scamp

A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day.
Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers,he dialed the employee's cell phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" the boss asked.
"Yes," whispe...

Olaf the Viking is shopping at a supermarket.

He comes across an elderly woman in a wheelchair, crying.
Alarmed, Olaf asks the woman what the matter is.

“I want to look at the puddings, but they are three steps down into the chiller cabinet”, she sobs. Her husband has wandered off down the aisle and isn’t any help.

“That’s no p...

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A wife was making breakfast for her husband when he ran into the kitchen with an alarmed expression

"TURN 'EM EGGS!! TURN'EM BEFORE THEY BURN!!!".

"GOOD LORD, WE ARE GOING TO NEED MORE BUTTER!!! GET IT! GET IT!!! DAMN THEY ARE GOING TO STICK!!!"

The wife looked at him with a puzzled expression and continued.

"HOLY SHIT! NOT SO MUCH SALT AND PEPPER!!! JUST A BIT!! YOU WILL RUIN...

The people around me were alarmed when I gulped down my glass of milk

Oh you're asking me where was I? I was in the sperm bank.

I just got sulphurous acid in my eyes but I'm not alarmed.

And I'm certainly not going to see a doctor.

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The cottage in the middle of the woods

An explorer was lost in the forest, and luckily came upon a cottage in a clearing. He knocked and an old Chinese man opened the door. The man was willing to let the explorer stay on one condition: he didn't approach his daughter or he would impose the three worst Chinese tortures upon him.

D...

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A young man strikes a good conversation in a bar with a stranger.

After a few hours of chatting about good quality whiskey, the stranger says:



“Hold up, i have a bottle from the 1800s and i never got to open it. Tonight seems like a good occasion, lets go have a swig of it.”



The young man, already quite drunk, agrees to the stranger...

A joke for Saint Patrick's Day...

A lone Irishman walks into an American bar and orders three shots of whiskey - all at once - and proceeds to sip each one in turn.

The American bartender finds it peculiar but minds his business.

Each day, the Irishman returns, ordering three shots of whiskey and sipping each of them i...

I was in the library today and I saw a sign on the emergency exit that said, "This door is alarmed"...

And I wondered, what startled it?

Just walked past a sign that read, "This fire door is alarmed"...

So I give it a little rub and told it everything is going to be ok.

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Paddy is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home.

Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mary, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their conversation, Padd...

Mice

A family of mice were out walking, and were suddenly surprised by a large cat. Father Mouse stood his ground, drew himself up to his full height, and shouted BOW-WOW-WOW!!! at the cat. The cat, alarmed, ran off.

The small mice were very impressed. “That was fantastic, Dad! How did you do that...

my husband, who works in a funeral home

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was...

Concerned when one of his most reliable workers doesn't show up, the boss calls the employee's home.

The phone is answered by a giggling child.

"Is your dad home?" the boss asks.

"Yes."

"May I speak to him?"

"No."

"Well can I speak to your mom?"

"No, she's with the policeman."

Alarmed, the boss says, "Gosh. Well then, may I speak with the policeman?"...

Exam By Chance

A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true false questions.

The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false...

For talk like a pirate day

There was a famous pirate captain who before a battle would turn to his ensign and say
“Fetch me me red shirt”
After the battle was won the ensign asked
“ Why the red shirt captain?”
“ If I get shot or wounded the shirt will hide the blood and the crew won’t be alarmed”
A month lat...

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All-Female Crew As the aircraft was taxiing towards the runway to take off, the voice on the speaker welcomed passengers on board and introduced them to the pilot.

"Your captain is Miss Mary Joystick...."

"You mean to tell me this plane is being piloted by a woman?"asked an alarmed passenger to a stewardess."

"Yes, sir," replied the stewardess. "So is the co-pilot, Miss Jane Understudy. So also are the radio operator and the navigator, they are a...

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