My stalker just threatened to kill herself, if I didn't love her back.

It's really nice when problems resolves themselves like that.

My molecules are threatening to go on strike because they've lost their charge

They must have unionised!

I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or
aisle?" I laughed in her face and replied, "Window or you'll
what?"

A California ranch that was once owned by Ronald Reagan was being threatened by a wildfire

Firefighters attempted to save it by pouring water on a nearby hill and hoping it would trickle down.

My wife told me to stop teasing our neighbor about his infertility after he threatened me with gun.

But I'm not scared because he's shooting blanks.

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As a preteen, all I wanted was a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I ...

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police...

I nearly crapped her pants!

My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing a different T-shirt every half an hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change!”

Jesus was really bad at threatening people...

He was quoted for saying "Nobody double crosses me". And look where that got him.

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

A robber enters a house and holds the wife at gunpoint and threatens the husband to hand over all the money and jewellery..

The husband sobs " Please take whatever you want, but leave her alone" .

Robber : " Wow you must really love your wife ".

Husband " Actually she is my neighbour's wife. Mine will come back from shopping any minute" .

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just ...

The Greek president called the British thieves who stole the Sculptures from the Parthenon and won't give them back.

The British parliament was outraged by the illiterate accusations! People who openly take your property and threaten you with death are called robbers, not thieves

A man reaches a river, and ponders how to cross.

He looks out, and sees that the river is far too wide to swim, lest he tire and drown. He would have tried making a raft, but there were no trees in sight, nor any other manner of building material. Stumped but determined, he decided to follow the river until he reached a point where the river narro...

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

A Man Calls Home to His Wife...

A Man Calls home to his wife. The Maid answers, "Hello ". The husband asks for his wife. The Maid asks him to hold as she goes to her bedroom. Moments later, the maid returns crying, "Sir, your wife... Your wife is in bed with ANOTHER MAN!". The husband is shocked and doesn't speak for a minute....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

How do you respond to a terrorist that threatens to blow you up?

Ok boomer

A woman threatens her boyfriend

A woman threatens her boyfriend :

"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"

- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.

- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.

- "Wait,...

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

Smells fishy to me. Not my work.

Two prawns were swimming around in the ocean.

One called Justin and the other called Kristian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area:

Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shar...

What do you call someone who threatens legal action against a karate dojo?

Chop suey

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

Don't make a decision before you have studied all its aspects ! Don't make a decision when you are angry !

An iron company manager, while touring the company noticed a young man leaning against the wall and doing nothing.

He approached him and said softly, "How much is your salary?"

The young man was calm and surprised by the personal question.

He answered, "2500 dollars a month, sir...

Death is the only certainty in life

"There was a merchant in Bagdad who sent his servant to market to buy provisions and in a little while the servant came back, white and trembling, and said, Master, just now when I was in the marketplace I was jostled by a woman in the crowd and when I turned I saw it was Death that jostled me. She ...

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

My girlfriend has threatened to leave me for being lazy.

I think she's being unfair, it's not like I did anything.

People threaten me when I correct their grammar.

But they’re the ones who end up in comma.

American Idol is like that toxic girlfriend.

It threaten’s that it’s going to leave, but it keeps coming back singing the same old songs.

An avalanche has started on Mount Everest that threatens to wipe out 20% of its surrounding area.

This is snow joke.

My girlfriend threatened to leave me over my reliance on herbs...

But I said I needed thyme to think.

Nothing is more threatening than an intelligent woman

Oh, really?

How about an intelligent woman, with a knife

My girlfriend threatens to leave me if I don't stop refrencing Transformers..

I guess I'll just roll out

An angry robber at a Russian bank threatens to kill everyone. Goes up to a teller "I'm gonna kill you! I'm so angry. What's your name?"

"Olga," replies the terrified teller.
"Oh, I'm not gonna kill you, my mother's name was Olga"
Turns to a 6'4'' security guard
"I'm gonna kill you then. What's your name?"
Guard: "My name is Boris, but my friends call me Olga"

So I think i found a new favorite Resturaunt:

I stopped by this place after work called "Sunny Hills" and I gotta say, it ain't that bad.

The menu seems to be all soft easily malleable food. But who doesn't love Custard?

The place is full of senior citizens with nary a person under 50 on site, well the waitresses seem to be arou...

My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Miracles CAN Occur! NSFW

There's a city with a fierce storm and the flood waters threaten to rise.

A devout man goes outside and prays, "Dear Lord, please save me from this flood!"

A bus rolls up to the man and says, "Get in! I'm taking you to safety!"

The man says, "No. God will provide for me." And t...

So my dad told me this one when i was a kid.

A preist is walking out of church during a cloudy day, when he sees a little boy trying to squish ants on the sidewalk with his fingers, whenever he'd miss, he'd say "ah, missed!".

So the preist tells him to stop because everything, including ants, are creations of god and that he shouldn't h...

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my Poker addiction.

I think she's bluffing.

Three Men stand before the gates of heaven

The angel who was the keeper of the pearl gates then asks how each of the three mean died. The first man, a big burly individual said "I'd suspected my wife of cheating for some time now, so I came home early to confront her when I was positive the other man was somewhere in our apartment. And when ...

My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't stop pointing out random exits and entrances

I said: "There's the door"

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join.

But enough about the church.

A dog walks through the jungle forests, when suddenly a tiger threatens to devour him.

A dog walks through the jungle forests, when suddenly a tiger threatens to devour him.

The dog, who sees the animal's bones next to it, turns to them, licks his lips and says, "What a delicious tiger that was!"

The tiger hears the dog, panics, turns and runs away.

All the while ...

A man and a blonde are in a bar, watching the evening news. They describe the story of a man threatening to jump off a building

The man turns to the woman and says, “I’ll bet you $10 that he jumps”

The woman agrees to this bet, and they continue to watch. The man jumps off the building. Disappointed, the woman turns to hand him $10

The man declines the money. he says sheepishly, “I can’t take your money, I sa...

Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar

I asked him, "Is that a fret?"

A man with a gun barged into the pub earlier and was threatening violence if the bar didn't play some classic 80s tunes.

Luckily The Police turned up and sorted him out.

2 guys sitting in a bar watching the news.

A news story comes on about someone threatening to jump off a building. One guy turns to the other and says, " I'll bet you $500.00 he will jump". The other guy says, "You're on"!

A few minutes pass and the guy on TV jumps.

The loser of the bet says, " Well, here is your $500.00. I ...

A guy threatened me to punch me in the face.

Apparently, I shouldn't have replied "You wouldn't do that to the father of your half-brother, would you?"

North Korea is threatening to send the US a Christmas present.

I don’t think anyone has told them about our return policy.

Parrot

A woman walks by a pet store everyday on her way to work and everyday the parrot out front calls her ugly!! Finally she confronts the store owner her apologizes profusely. He scolds the bird and promised that it wouldn’t happen again. Next day she walks by the store and again the parrot calls her ug...

How does an old timey 1930s era gangster threaten a jelly fish?

"You're see, through!"

I threatened a cop and then he cut my electricity

It was a real abuse of power

My staggered into my house, sat down, and started sobbing.

(Edit: Title correction- My friend staggered into my house, sat down and started sobbing)

He said "Everyone keeps making fun of me. They say I'm fat, careless and that I don't think of anyone besides for myself! My landlord is so annoyed at my absent-mindedness, he's threatening to evict me! ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening

Many men have died after having a stroke

My girlfriend threatens to leave me every time I quote Mr Brightside.

But it’s just the price I pay

I tried to build a car out of spaghetti, my wife lost her temper and said it would never work and threatened to leave me, anyway, you should have seen her face when I drove pasta. After a while my obsession got the better of me and she walked out..

Now I’m feeling cannelloni.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife was threatening to leave me because of my misogyny. The next day I found her having sex with the neighbour..

All I could yell was "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PROPERTY"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman wakes up on the morning of her wedding anniversary and her husband wasn't there.

It was 2.00am and she was concerned. She searched the house until finally she found him in the basement sobbing uncontrollably.

She tried to comfort him and asked, "honey, what's the matter? "

Between sobs he answers, "Do you remember when your dad the cop caught us, underage, makin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sisters

Sister Claire and Sister Teresa are driving down a desert highway when the devil appears on their hood, making threatening gestures.

"Quick," Sister Teresa says, "Show him your cross!"

Sister Claire leans out the window, shouting:

"Piss off you bastard! I'll kick you in the fuck...

After the losing party refuses to accept election results, a country is teetering on the edge of a civil war.

Armed insurgents invade the capitol, threaten violence and are ultimately overpowered. But intelligence shows that they may be planning another attack.

The country’s leaders ask for advice in how to handle the violence.

The winning party yells “Impeach the outgoing president during...

Trump Threatens Saudia Arabia With Consequences

Trump, "I'm cancelling plans to build a casino in Mecca."

A friend and I were travelling through Alabama when a guy threatened to get his Dad, Uncle and Brother to beat us up.

We were relieved when we found out they were all the same person.

Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

Trump is a genius threatening to attack historical cultural sites in Iran

He knows that the Iranians won't find any of these in the US to retaliate

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A scoutmaster and his girlfriend go hiking in the woods...

They take a break in a rocky clearing with odd writing. After a while, they get frisky, and decide to play a little game called hide the sausage. They look around for people even though they’re in the middle of nowhere. It seems all clear and they go for it. Little did they know, they were in the mi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Update on an Ironic Classic

A man goes to the doctor, says he's depressed, says life seems harsh, heartless and cruel. He's all alone in a threatening world, and what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says, "Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him, that should pick you up." Man bur...

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerful...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife threatened to leave me due to my sexual fetishes.

I said "fine, just slam the door on my cock on your way out".

My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."

I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

A Lady Threatened to Sue Her Husband's Doctor

A lady threatened to sue her husband's doctor because after he recovered from surgery he had performance issues in bed. She claimed that he could no longer get it up and therefore could no longer please her.

The Doctor responded with "How's that my fault? I only removed his cataracts."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because I exaggerate too much.

I was so shocked I nearly tripped over my penis.

My wife found “golden showers” in my search history and threatened to leave.

I let her go.

Gotta look out for number one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman pregnant with triplets was shot in the belly three times.

She was rushed to the hospital and was assessed. The doctor told her “each one of your babies has been shot, but the good news is that the wounds are not life threatening. And even better news where they were shot, the bullets will come out on their own.” The mother is patched up and gives birth a ...

My girlfriend threatened to break-up with me if I didn't stop acting like a Transformer...

I said "but baby, I can change!"

So I held a race between my farmhands. They ran equally fast, and demanded I determine the winner.

However, they both threatened to leave the farm if I declared the other the winner. I felt unable to make a decision. As a matter of fact, my hands were tied.

~~it's dumb but at least it's original~~

My wife threatened to leave me

Because of my ‘filthy and disgusting habits’. I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.

“How long have you been working at that office?"

“Ever since they threatened to fire me."

There's a guy threatening to kill me if I don't make a bread joke.

I'm toast.

There were once two flower shops across the street from each other, but one was more successful than the other.

The one that was more successful was owned by two friars, and they were always the center of attention. Everyone wanted to buy flowers from the cute friars with their funny brown coats. But the owner of the other shop was not making money. He was tired of it. He had asked them many times to close sh...

The bully loomed threateningly over the nerd and said, "You know what snitches get don't you?"

Ummm, "150 points?"

What do you call it when an incel threatens to kill himself when someone doesn't respond to his desperate and creepy messages?

Fake noose.

Where does a Mexican go when they feel threatened?

Hispanic Room

A physics student was standing on top of a building, threatening to jump

I tried to talk him out of it, because he had so much potential.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man visits a therapist

"I work long hours to support my family. When I finally get home, my wife hands me the baby and the other kids are waiting for me to help them with their homework. After dinner, it's my job to clean up and help put the baby to bed. I have an endless list of things to fix around the house on weekends...

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.

I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

Yesterday, a man threatened to kill himself with a knife and someone called the cops.

Today he died of his gunshot wounds.

My son threatened to hold his breath until he got ice cream

He passed out on the floor.

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

Yugi: Kaiba! How come Your card grabbed my card's groin and threatened to deport it...

Kaiba: You fool! You've activated my Trump card.

The wife & I were staying at a fancy high rise hotel when the argument started.

Things didnt get any better as the night went on. She started to threaten that she would jump out the window. In a panic I called the front desk. They asked how could they help? I said you better send body up here right away, the window wont open.

A man walks into a bar

he notices a jar of cash on the counter, and asks the bartender, ”what’s with the jar” the bartender explains it is the prize for completing a set of challenges, entry is $5. The man orders a few drinks, all the while he contemplates attempting the challenges. After his 5th glass he sets down $5 dol...

How do you threaten a fan of classical music?

You tell him to watch his bach.

A man named Rick walks into his room after a long day of work and sees his wife crying on their bed.

He askes her what it was all about and she said that she had been threatened by someone she thought was her friend earlier that evening.

Now, Rick has no idea how to handle this, so goes to confront his friend Lee, who has some experience with things like this.

After a long discussion...

A New Strain Spreading Faster Than COVID

Scientists have discovered a powerful new strain of fact-resistant humans who are threatening the ability of Earth to sustain life, a sobering new study reports.

Scientists warn that a virulent strain of humans are virtually immune to any form of verifiable knowledge, leaving researchers at a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cowboy appears before St. Peter...

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked. 'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman...

I was kidnapped by a group of mimes

They threatened to do unspeakable things !

A guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody:

"I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!"
So everybody gets scared and runs away.
Only one person stays.
The guy comes up to him and says: "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!"
And the other guy says: "No, I am not scared, I am e^x."

A lot of people in Iran think that president, Hassan Rouhani went way over the line when he threatened the US with the mother of all wars in his latest speech.

In fact they are so concerned about the angry Twitter response from president Trump that they are going to set up their own ‘Mullah investigation’ to look into the matter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed.

An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge.

The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”

Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean”

The patient repeated again,...

My girlfriend thinks I'm insane and wants me to see a psychiatrist. She's threatening to leave me if I don't because I can't stop singing Gnarls Barkley.

Does that make me crazy?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a letter in the mail, threatening to kill me if I don't stop sleeping with his wife...

But the bastard didn't say who he was, so I don't know which one to stop sleeping with

My son is doing a social experiment for school.

He plans on wearing an "I love Liberals" shirt out in public and will be recording the interactions with others. So far he has been cussed at, spit at, slapped, and even threatened. Im afraid what will happen when he actually leaves the house.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide...

is it a hostage situation?

A man and his dog walk into a bar...

The man proceeds to sit on a stool and the dog quickly follows, jumping onto the next stool. The barkeep tells the man ‘Sir your dog can’t sit there!’

‘Well I reckon he can. You see, this is no ordinary dog. This dog here has the gift of speech, and that makes him my best friend. And I believ...

COVID Vaccine Efficacy

Researchers from the Universidad Autónoma de Guadalajara in Mexico discovered that a single dose of the corona virus vaccine was capable of alleviating life-threatening and reducing transmission rates by 87%.

An audio excerpt from the conversations of the two researchers, C. Guillermo and H. ...

My wife threatened to call the cops if I didn't start checking the pockets of our clothes when I did laundry.

I asked "And what exactly do you expect them to charge me with?"

She said, "Money laundering."

A white man visits a rural tribe in Africa

A white man wants to take the trip of a lifetime, and decides on a trip to Africa. He is in a go nowhere job, with no friends or family, and is feeling down. He quits his job and decides to travel to a remote area, far from civilization. He does not like the touristy vibe that some places give off, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last week I almost got robbed in the desert...

The robber shot my tires when I was driving and pulled me straight out of the car. He yelled "GIVE ME ALL YOUR MONEY RIGHT NOW!"

I responded "Wait wait wait, before you do, can you shoot my hat? I wanna prove to my family at home I was robbed."

The robber shrugged as I took off my hat ...

There were once two people.

Eim and Ep.

One day, they came across a wizard. After a lot of bargaining, the wizard agreed to grant them each one wish. Ep requested a loving family. Ep was granted a rebellious teen daughter, a wife, and a young son. Eim requested ownership of a toy factory with elf workers that he will tr...

A man had an argument with his lover in a hotel room.

He calls the receptionist and says "I had an argument with my lover. She is threatening to jump out of the window if I don't divorce my wife. You have to help me."

The receptionist replied: "Sir, that looks like a personal problem. There is nothing we can do to help you out."

"Listen ...

There was a maniac in town earlier today threatening to splash passersby with acid.

Thankfully, police managed to neutralise him.

Why do some guys not like to wear a mask?

Because it threatens their mask-ulinity!

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