Threaten Jokes - 98 Hilarious Threaten Jokes

A woman threatens her boyfriend

A woman threatens her boyfriend :

"If you won't stop telling me that I'm fat, I'm going to leave you !"

- "Don't do this darling ! Think about our child !" says the boyfriend, trying to convince her to stay.

- "But we **don't** have any child !" eructs the woman.

- "Wait,...

The president of the US is threatening to send the military to suppress US citizens.

Looks like Americans are finally gonna get a taste of democracy and freedom.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

My wife threatened to leave me due to my obsession with 'The Monkees'. I didn't think she was serious.

And then I saw her face...

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

So I called her Bluff...

The husband was ready for the last major hurricane to threaten their home, but his wife was not.

When the wind reached a screaming pitch with the trees snapping and threshing, the horizontal streaming rain, flying roofing iron and destroyed fences as well as the unnerving sound-levels, his wife was rooted to the spot.

She stared and stared through the glass of the window. Immovable, with...

My stalker ex-girlfriend just threatened to kill herself if I didn't take her back.

Isn't it great when problems solve themselves?

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

My wife threatened to leave me because I wouldnt stop singing "I'm a believer". I thought she was joking

And then I saw her face...

How do you threaten a calender?

Say "Your days are numbered."

I was threatened today at the airport.

At the check-in the woman said “window or isle.” I said “window or you’ll what?”

I heard the judge threaten to disbar my lawyer.

SMH, they done gave me a saloon owner to defend me.

My doctor told me I have life threatening angina

He must be stupid. I don’t have one of those, I’m a guy.

How did the DJ threaten his unruly apprentice who was responsible for all of the electronic beats

He threatened him with real percussions

My wife minored in psychology. She's always using all her amateur psychology when we argue.

When I fired the pool boy, she said, "Well, you know, you're only firing him because he's so young and good looking, and you feel threatened and insecure, because it reminds you of your own mortality, and you're projecting all these insecurities onto someone else in a very passive/aggressive way, be...

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Doctors have confirmed that masturbation is life threatening

Many men have died after having a stroke

“You do one nice thing for someone and they threaten to ruin your life!”

A man is cutting his grass when he gets the sudden urge to be a helpful neighbor and cut theirs too.

His neighbor comes outside and says to him, “I could marry you for cutting my grass, thanks!”

The man walks away and mutters, “People are so unappreciative these days. You do one nice t...

My girlfriend threatened to break up with me

She said, "You act so childish whenever I'm around. Now, it's either 'your mom' jokes or me."

I said, "And I, like so many men before me, will eagerly choose your mom."

What did the pushpin say when threatened?

Attack!

Just had a guy threaten to attack me with the neck of a guitar

I asked him, "Is that a fret?"

A guy threatens to jump off the balcony of a penthouse bar

As the crowd gathers around, a regular sitting at the bar turns to the guy next to him and says “Fifty bucks he doesn’t do it.”

Lo and behold the man falls to his death, and the regular pays up.

The following day, the bar TV broadcasts the man who committed suicide on the news. The reg...

On a bus one day.....

.....a man was sitting next to a woman who was trying to breast-feed her child. The child however refuses to suck on the breast.

Being frustrated, the mother threatens the child, "If you don't suck on, I will give it to the man next to us!" The child still refuses to oblige. After about 10 m...

Jesus was really bad at threatening people...

He was quoted for saying "Nobody double crosses me". And look where that got him.

Sometimes I hide my girlfriend's inhaler

So the neighbors think I'm a stud when they hear her panting, "Give it to me!"

A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.

She is furious, threatens to kill them both... the husband says:

\- Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit s...

My girlfriend is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing a different T-shirt every half an hour.

I said, “Wait, I can change!”

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

My girlfriend threatened to leave unless I stopped being delusional and admitted that I am not a Transformer

But I told her “Babe, I can change!”

A lost dog wanders through the jungle. In the distance a lion sees him and whispers: "I'm going to eat him, I have never seen anything like that before."

The lion then began to approach the dog in a threatening manner. When the dog realized this, he panicked, but as he tried to run away, he saw a bone nearby, and he got the idea to speak out loud. "Lion meat is delicious!"

The lion suddenly stopped and said: "Wow, this guy is stronger than he...

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A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?', St. Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.

'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and ...

A dog walks through the jungle forests, when suddenly a tiger threatens to devour him.

A dog walks through the jungle forests, when suddenly a tiger threatens to devour him.

The dog, who sees the animal's bones next to it, turns to them, licks his lips and says, "What a delicious tiger that was!"

The tiger hears the dog, panics, turns and runs away.

All the while ...

Where does a Mexican go when they feel threatened?

Hispanic Room

How do you threaten a fan of classical music?

You tell him to watch his bach.

My girlfriend has threatened to leave me for being lazy.

I think she's being unfair, it's not like I did anything.

Trump Threatens Saudia Arabia With Consequences

Trump, "I'm cancelling plans to build a casino in Mecca."

I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, “Window or aisle.”

I laughed right in her face and replied, “Window or you’ll what?”

My girlfriend threatened to leave me over my reliance on herbs...

But I said I needed thyme to think.

How does an old timey 1930s era gangster threaten a jelly fish?

"You're see, through!"

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

Nothing is more threatening than an intelligent woman

Oh, really?

How about an intelligent woman, with a knife

A Lady Threatened to Sue Her Husband's Doctor

A lady threatened to sue her husband's doctor because after he recovered from surgery he had performance issues in bed. She claimed that he could no longer get it up and therefore could no longer please her.

The Doctor responded with "How's that my fault? I only removed his cataracts."

Wife threatened to leave me

My wife threatened to leave me because of my “filthy and disgusting habits.”

I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.

My wife threatened to leave me if I couldn't stop correcting her about Russian Communist terminology.

I told her Soviet.

A lady is walking down the street and sees a parrot in the window of a pet store.

She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.

The next day she sees the same parrot in the window. When the parrot sees her it says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She's livid, and s...

Somebody once threatened me...

"I'm about to demonstrate to you how kneecaps are a privilege and not a human right."

The Mandalorian was my waiter, and I think I angered him because he threatened to tamper with my food.

"I can bring it in warm...or I can bring it in cold."

My girlfriend threatened to leave me if I didn't stop pointing out random exits and entrances

I said: "There's the door"

Mr. X checked into a hotel along with his wife

At 11:30 in the night, he called the reception.

He said "My wife is threatening to jump out of the window from the 5th floor."

The Receptionist replied "Sir this is a personal matter we cannot do anything"

Mr. X ROARED "YOU IDIOT!! You think I will ask you to come and handle my ...

A California ranch that was once owned by Ronald Reagan was being threatened by a wildfire

Firefighters attempted to save it by pouring water on a nearby hill and hoping it would trickle down.

My wife told me to stop teasing our neighbor about his infertility after he threatened me with gun.

But I'm not scared because he's shooting blanks.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my Poker addiction.

I think she's bluffing.

What do you call someone who threatens legal action against a karate dojo?

Chop suey

There's a gang in my area who recruit new members by threatening them with all kinds of horrible punishments if they don't join.

But enough about the church.

North Korea is threatening to send the US a Christmas present.

I don’t think anyone has told them about our return policy.

How do you respond to a terrorist that threatens to blow you up?

Ok boomer

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The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police...

I nearly crapped her pants!

My girlfriend threatens to leave me if I don't stop refrencing Transformers..

I guess I'll just roll out

I threatened a cop and then he cut my electricity

It was a real abuse of power

A physics student was standing on top of a building, threatening to jump

I tried to talk him out of it, because he had so much potential.

What was the name of that Pixar movie where a non-human duo is forced to go on an adventure after the Status Quo gets threatened?

Google: "Could you be more specific?"

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My wife threatened to leave me due to my sexual fetishes.

I said "fine, just slam the door on my cock on your way out".

Trump is a genius threatening to attack historical cultural sites in Iran

He knows that the Iranians won't find any of these in the US to retaliate

My girlfriend threatens to leave me every time I quote Mr Brightside.

But it’s just the price I pay

Two prawns….

Two prawns were swimming around in the sea one day. The first one was called Justin and the second one was called Kristian. They were continually being chased and threatened by the sharks that inhabited the area.

Eventually Justin had had enough. He said to Kristian, "I'm fed up with being a ...

A guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody:

"I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!"
So everybody gets scared and runs away.
Only one person stays.
The guy comes up to him and says: "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!"
And the other guy says: "No, I am not scared, I am e^x."

There's a guy threatening to kill me if I don't make a bread joke.

I'm toast.

My son threatened to hold his breath until he got ice cream

He passed out on the floor.

I don't negotiate with terrorists.

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The difference between before/after getting hired

When Timmy went in for an interview at ABC company, he was hired after a very brief interview. A little skeptical at first, Timmy asked the company representative a few questions.

It went like this:

ABC: Trust me, this company could really use someone new

Timmy: If there is too ...

My wife found “golden showers” in my search history and threatened to leave.

I let her go.

Gotta look out for number one.

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A Male patient just recovered successfully from a sex threatening health attack.

He was wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and laying on hospital bed.

An young nurse came to cleanse his body with sponge.

The patient mumbled, “Are my testicles black?”

Nurse replied, “I don’t know Sir, I am just setting you clean”

The patient repeated again,...

A robber enters a house and holds the wife at gunpoint and threatens the husband to hand over all the money and jewellery..

The husband sobs " Please take whatever you want, but leave her alone" .

Robber : " Wow you must really love your wife ".

Husband " Actually she is my neighbour's wife. Mine will come back from shopping any minute" .

a man buys a parrot

A man buys a parrot. The bird is beautiful, but swears in the most foul manner all day long.

The man tries everything to silence the parrot: he covers the cage, he turns on loud music, he threatens to hit the parrot... but it's all of no use.

After a few days of incessant ranting, he b...

Dave was a cannibal, and a conceited one at that.

So when he was in a bad car accident, the people of his town weren’t very sympathetic. But when they learned that he died, they softened up a bit. “I didn’t know that his injuries were life threatening,” one of his neighbors said. Another replied that they weren’t. “Well then how did he die?” th...

The bully loomed threateningly over the nerd and said, "You know what snitches get don't you?"

Ummm, "150 points?"

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A woman threatens to break up with her boyfriend if he can't make sex last longer, so the boyfriend decides to see his doctor to find out how he can make sex last longer.

"Try masturbating before sex," says the doctor.

The guy drives home trying to think about where to masturbate. "I can't masturbate out in the open, and I can't do it at home because my girlfriend might catch me."

Finally, the guy comes to a decision. He pulls over his car, crawls under...

I helped my neighbour with something this morning and she said, ‘’I could marry you!’’, I couldn’t believe it

You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!

My girlfriend threatened to break-up with me if I didn't stop acting like a Transformer...

I said "but baby, I can change!"

How do you revive a homeless American from a heart attack?

You threaten to call an ambulance.

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to commit suicide...

is it a hostage situation?

Yugi: Kaiba! How come Your card grabbed my card's groin and threatened to deport it...

Kaiba: You fool! You've activated my Trump card.

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My wife was threatening to leave me because of my misogyny. The next day I found her having sex with the neighbour..

All I could yell was "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY PROPERTY"

The missus has threatened to leave me unless I stop drinking.

Which is ironic, given she is the reason I drink.

A man with a gun barged into the pub earlier and was threatening violence if the bar didn't play some classic 80s tunes.

Luckily The Police turned up and sorted him out.

A guy dies and is standing before St. Peter at the Gates of Heaven…

…St. Peter tells him, “We’re getting REALLY full in here, so please tell me something that you have done in your life that’s completely unselfish and deserving of getting into Heaven.”

The guy says, “Well, one day I was driving along a backroad when I came across a young woman that was being ...

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A woman pregnant with triplets was shot in the belly three times.

She was rushed to the hospital and was assessed. The doctor told her “each one of your babies has been shot, but the good news is that the wounds are not life threatening. And even better news where they were shot, the bullets will come out on their own.” The mother is patched up and gives birth a ...

A friend and I were travelling through Alabama when a guy threatened to get his Dad, Uncle and Brother to beat us up.

We were relieved when we found out they were all the same person.

A man and a blonde are in a bar, watching the evening news. They describe the story of a man threatening to jump off a building

The man turns to the woman and says, “I’ll bet you $10 that he jumps”

The woman agrees to this bet, and they continue to watch. The man jumps off the building. Disappointed, the woman turns to hand him $10

The man declines the money. he says sheepishly, “I can’t take your money, I sa...

There was a maniac in town earlier today threatening to splash passersby with acid.

Thankfully, police managed to neutralise him.

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I got a letter in the mail, threatening to kill me if I don't stop sleeping with his wife...

But the bastard didn't say who he was, so I don't know which one to stop sleeping with

I haven't kept up my subscription to Scrabble Club.

Now they're sending me threatening letters.

On March 27th, our math teacher burst into class and threatened to cancel Spring Break unless the one who's cheated on all their tests reveals themselves before next month

How are we supposed to catch a cheater in eight days?!

When I refused to buy her concert tickets for the weekend, my 15 year old daughter broke down and threatened to cry a river.

I told her to go ahead, but remember that she's so self absorbed the tears won't even make it to her cheeks.

What do you call it when an incel threatens to kill himself when someone doesn't respond to his desperate and creepy messages?

Fake noose.

I was kidnapped by a group of mimes

They threatened to do unspeakable things !

An angry robber at a Russian bank threatens to kill everyone. Goes up to a teller "I'm gonna kill you! I'm so angry. What's your name?"

"Olga," replies the terrified teller.
"Oh, I'm not gonna kill you, my mother's name was Olga"
Turns to a 6'4'' security guard
"I'm gonna kill you then. What's your name?"
Guard: "My name is Boris, but my friends call me Olga"

There's a major traffic jam all through DC

All through Washington DC all traffic comes to a full stop...after many minutes people start getting out of their cars and talking. Before too long a guy starts walking car to car collecting donations, so I flag the guy down and ask him what the heck is going on! He explains there's been a major te...

I'm not afraid of someone who threatens to open up a can of whoopass on me...

I'm much more afraid of the people who can the whoopass to begin with.

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Bob loves tractors…

Bob’s wife threatens him with divorce if he doesn’t seek help for his obsession with tractors.

He fucking loves tractors. He has tractor-branded t-shirts, ties, socks, bags, glassware, posters, multiple subscriptions to various tractor magazines. You name it, he’s got it.

Fearing losin...

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