UPJOKE
bloodyvodkatudorwitchballymary imary tudorbellinimargaritamartinimimosasjulepgimletlibationsglassful

Bloody Mary Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know what happens if you scream "Bloody Mary" 3 times in the mirror, at 3am?

Your mom will tell you to shut the fuck up and go to bed.

Legend says that if you stand in front of the mirror in your room at 3 and say "Bloody Mary" loudly

Then your mom will appear, throw sandals at you and tell you to shut the hell up and go to sleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is an old joke but my husband told me to never tell it again!

3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks “a Bloody Mary?”

The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me”

“Hot water?”

“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vampire walks into a bar

The bartender says: *”Let me guess, you want a bloody mary”*

The vampire says no, he wants a glass of hot water instead. The bartender looks confused but pours him his drink.

The vampire says: *”You see, I found this used tampon in the alley and I want to make some tea”*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires walk into a bar... The 1st one, quite thirsty promptly says to the bartender "I'll have a glass of blood, type AB-, on the rocks", quickly followed by the 2nd making his request for "A Bloody Mary, type B+"

and lastly the 3rd one, after a little consideration, asks for "A glass of hot water please".

The first 2 vampires immediately give a look of contempt to the 3rd one, one of them exclaiming "A glass of hot water? What kind of pansy order is that?". To which the 3rd vampire, while taking a use...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How is the Virgin Mary similar to a Virgin Bloody Mary?

They both have zero proof!

A nurse, a doctor, and an anti-vaxxer walk into a bar.

The nurse sits down at the bar and says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary!”

The doctor sits next to her and says, “Give me a rum and coke!”

The anti-vaxxer does nothing. She collapsed and died from polio.

How do you make a Bloody Nicole?

Like a Bloody Mary, but with a stab of OJ...

A guy walks into a bar, takes off his hat and places it onto the counter. A duck jumps out.

The bartender asks, "Can I help you, sir?"

The guy orders a shot.

The bartender asks the guy if his duck friend wants anything, and the duck says, "I'll have a Bloody Mary."

"Oh! You're a talking duck!" the bartender says. "What's your name?"

"Houie," the duck says. <...

Two Caucasian Russians walk into a bar

The bartender looks up and says “sorry, but we don’t serve white Russians here”

The Russians respond “oh that’s alright, we’ll get 2 Bloody Mary’s instead”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires walk into a bar...

The bartender asks the first vampire what he’d like to drink and he replies, “a bloody Mary, of course.”

The bartender then asks the second bloodsucker what he wants.

“A dark glass of red. A cabernet, perhaps.”

Finally the barkeep makes his way to third vampire to find out wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tomato an orange and an apple seed walk into a bar…

The tomato says, “I’ll have a Bloody Mary.”

The orange says, “I’ll have a screwdriver.”

The apple seed says, “oh shit, I didn’t know we were supposed to bring our own juice.”

How can you tell when the barmaid is not happy with you?

There is a string hanging out of your bloody mary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires walk into a bar

Bartender asks "What can I get ya?"

The first vampire says "I'd like a Bloody Mary."
Second vampire, "I'll take a Blood on the Rocks."
On the third's turn he orders "Hot water."

Bartender sets the drinks down, confused, and asks "What's the water for?"
To which the third vampi...

How do you know the bartender didn't appreciate your drunken pass at her

She's stirring your bloody mary with a string.

OJ Simpson, Oscar Pistorius, and Scott Peterson walk into a bar...

...all 3 order a Bloody Mary.

Three pieces of string enter a bar...

The first string approaches the counter and says, "Beer, please." The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here, get out." The second string goes up to the bartender and says, "Bloody Mary, please." The bartender says, "Didn't you hear what I told your friend? We don't serve strings here. Get out...

British man: If you like vodka and tomato juice so much...

then why don’t you bloody mary it!

Q: What does a vampire drink to get drunk?

A: Bloody mary

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampires walk into a bar...

Three vampires walk into a bar. Two of them order Bloody Mary's, and the other orders a cup of hot water. The bartender finds this odd, but didn't want to offend the vampire by asking, so he dismisses it. They do this for three days in a row, and each night its the same bartender on duty. On the thi...

What's OJ Simpson's favorite drink?

A Bloody Mary.

Andre the Giant takes a commercial flight

The Giant is seated in a bulkhead seat for extra space. It’s still a tight fit for this behemoth of a man. He starts to take apart the armrest between his seat and the one next to him in hopes of creating a bit more space before takeoff. A flight attendant approached him asking if she could get h...

A man walks into a bar

Guy walks into a bar and sits at a table. Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu." When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says Yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon-well done on one ...

A Catholic priest, a rabbi, and a Muslim extremist walk into a bar and all sit at the counter.

The bartender hands each of them a menu then turns to the priest and asks, "what can I get you to drink, Father?”

The priest replies, "oh I don't drink, but I have to ask, does this really say you could get me the blood of Mary?"

The bartender responds, "No no no, Father, you misunders...

I got really badly sunburned yesterday, and was in agony this morning. My mother advised using tomato juice to ease the pain. I was very skeptical at first but she was right...

... I'm now on my seventh bloody mary and I can barely feel a thing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of vampires walk into a bar when the bartender asks "what'll be?"

The vampires reply, "Cups of hot water for all of us"

They take the cups of hot water and shuffle off into a corner of the bar.

The bartender watches them for awhile and finally his curiosity gets the better of him so he walks over to them.

He looks at them quizzically, " Guys, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pessimist and a nihilist walk into a bar.

A pessimist and a nihilist walk into a bar.
The bartender asks them for their drink orders. The pessimist says “Even if you make me your best drink, I’m sure it’ll be disappointing. Go ahead, anything you make is going to be shit.”

The nihilist says, “I’ll have what he’s having but make m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich.

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich. He sits down at the bar, and the bartender asks him: "What can I get ya?"
The man: "I'll have two whiskeys please."
"That'll be $5.56.
The man pulls out exactly 5 dollars and 56 cents from his pocket. He puts it down on the bar, takes his whiskey, dri...

A drunk walks out of a bar one morning...

He bumps into a cop. The cop points at the bar and says, "Hey, your eyes are all bloodshot, have you been drinking Bloody Marys in there?" The drunk points to his cop car and says, "Hey, your eyes are all glazed over, have you been eating donuts in there?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.