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Whisky Jokes

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I had 12 bottles of whisky...

I had twelve bottles of whisky and my wife told me to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else there'd be hell to pay.

So, I said I would and proceeded with the sad task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink, with the...

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Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram. (Stroller for Americans.)

A Priest working in a remote parish in Greenland gets his yearly visit from his Bishop.

The Bishop asks him, "How are you managing with the loneliness?"

The Priest responds, " If it wasn't for my Rosary and my whiskey, I couldn't make it. Would you like a shot of whiskey?"


The Bishop nods his head yes.


The Priest yells out, "Hey Rosary, bring us two shots ...

Quick, give me a whisky before it gets started!

A man walks into a pub and says to the barman: "Quick, give me a whisky before it gets started!"

"Before what gets started?"

"Never mind, just give me a whisky, quick!"

It sounds urgent, so the barman gives him a drink.

The customer downs it in one gulp and says, "Another...

I've started a whisky diet.

Every morning I wake up and play tennis. Then I wun into the woods and hit a whino with my wacket. The whino gets mad and chases me which makes me wun very fast. It's whisky, but it works.

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Man arrives home at 7 a.m, with a heavy stench of whisky.

Wife: You bastard! I hope you have a damn good reason for coming home at 7 in the morning.

Husband: Of course I do.

Wife: Do tell!

Husband: Breakfast.

In Scotland, if you buy a 3 year old whisky you can call it 'Scotch'.

Younger than that is just bad parenting.

What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous...

A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

What does a policeman have with his whisky?

Just ice

I like my relationships like my whisky

On the rocks

A bear walks into a bar and orders a whisky with.. cola.

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender.
"I don't know" replies the bear. "I was born with them."

Jimmy savile and Michael Jackson bought a whisky distillery before they died.

They went on a tasting tour and the tour guide said "I've got one that you'll love! It's a cheeky little 12 year old that goes down easy"

Two men are robbing a liquor store…

One says, ‘Is this whisky?’

‘Yes’, the other replies, ‘but not as whisky as wobbing a bank’

Whisky is an amazing invention.

2 doubles and you start feeling single again.

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A Scot buys a bottle of whisky, put it in a pocket of the coat and goes home riding his bycicle.

Suddenly he tips over a bump in the road and falls on his ass. Feeling liquid on his hip he feels it with the hand, then looks at it and blurts out "Thanks God, it's blood!".

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A young man walks into a bar, asks the barman to pour him three shots of whisky.

The barman pours them, the youth drinks all three straight down.

“Whoa” says the barman, “are you celebrating something?”

The guy smiles at the barman, “Yeah, my first blowjob”.

“Well”, the barman says, “in that case, have another one on me”.

“Thanks”, replies the youth,...

There was once, in a small town, a man named Don.

One day Don was walking on top of a fence, and he slipped. When he slipped, the fence split him in half, right up the middle, but miraculously, each half of Don survived! Each half got up, started hopping away, and essentially started living separate lives.

The left half, more prone to rati...

My uncle drowned in a vat of whisky

He bravely fought off his rescuers for hour befor he finally circummed.

He was then cremated and the fire lasted 3 days

Finest whisky! NSFW (Long)

Paddy finds bottle on beach. Rubs it and Genie appears and offers him one wish. "I'd like to pee the finest Irish whisky," says Paddy.

"Granted!", says the Genie. Paddy pees in a cup, tastes it and is taken aback. "This is the finest whisky I've ever tasted." He rushes home, tells his wife (w...

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A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots of whisky

He gulps them down quickly.

Bartender asks "What's the occasion?"

Guy replies "First blowjob"

Bartender "Wow, can I buy you another?"

Guy retorts "No, if 3 don't get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will"

Wife: Would you care to explain why the bottle of whisky you bought yesterday is half empty?

Me : It’s because you’re a pessimist.

Risky Whisky

A guy in a bar approaches an attractive woman and asks, "Can I buy you a whiskey?" She thinks for a second and answers, "No, you can't. Whiskey is bad for my legs." He says, "That's a shame, do they swell?"

The woman replies, "No, they open."

Cheaper Pub in the World

Guy walks into a pub and asks the bar man for a pint;

"That will be $0.05 please sir".

"Wow, in that case I will have a shot of whisky too"

"Certainly, that will be $0.03 sir".

"Damnnn, OK and a packet of crisps".

"0.01 please sir, $0.08 all together".

...

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A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of 100$ bills

A man walks in a bar and sees a jar full of $100 bills, so he asks the bartender why there is so much money in the jar.

The bartender replies that it is a bet and you have to pay $100 to partecipate. The bet consists in three tests:

The first test: You see that man sitting back there? ...

A guy goes to a bar and orders whisky

Bartender: with ice?

The guy: yes please

The bartender gives him the drink.

The guy: But, I said with ice

Bartender: We are out of ice

The guy: so, why did you ask?

Bartender: Some people complain, if I don't ask

Irish fisherman

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub.

An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.

'Fishing,' replied the old man.

'Poor...

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The latest product out is Viagra-infused whisky.

It's for people that need a stiff drink.

Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.

**Teacher gave her class this assignment: ask your parents to tell you a story with a moral at the end of it.**

Following day the kids came back and one by one go through their stories.

There were all the regular things - never too old to learn, never give up, no crying over spilled mi...

I went to the liquor store by bike the other day

I was afraid I could fall and break the bottle of whisky on the way back so I decided to drink it all right there

It was the best decision of my life because on the way back I fell off my bike like three times

A Scot and an Englishman walk into a bar.

The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But... you did to...

She was only a whisky maker....

but he loved her still

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If whisky makes you frisky and gin makes you sin, what gets you pregnant?

Two high balls and a straight shot.



*This was my grandma's favorite joke to tell us kiddos*

I'm on a whisky diet.

I've lost few days already.

How to make Bacon-Wrapped Duck at home:

Get yourself a duck of about 1.5 to 2kg, and two large bottles of Scottish whisky, bacon strips and a bottle of olive oil.

Put the bacon around the duck, and treat the inside with pepper and salt.

Preheat the oven for 10 minutes at 180 degrees Celcius.

Fill a large glass with wh...

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Why didn't Hitler drink whisky?

It made him mean

What kind of whisky does a bunny drink?

Hop Scotch.

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Quasimodo walks into a bar and asks for a whisky.

Landlord: "Bells alright?"

Quasimodo: "Mind your own fucking business."

The staff of this liquor store called the cops on me for stealing Whisky and Vodka.

I don't understand. I was only lifting their spirits.

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A Man walks into a bar and Orders 3 shots of Whisky, The Bartender asks "What’s got you down" The man says “I just found out my Niece is gay.” The next day he orders 4 shots of Whisky The Bartender asks “What’s got you down now?”

The man says "I just found out my son is gay." The next day he orders 6 shots of whisky The Bartender says "Got anybody who likes Women?" The man says “My wife does.”

A guy walks into a bar and orders a whisky neat....

He pins it in one go...

He orders another... pins that too..

After about 4 whiskys, the barman asks him "whats up?"

"Im after having my first blo job" says the guy..

"Ah good man..", says the barman.."here, have this whisky on the house..congratulations!!"

The guy ...

I didn’t feel like cooking tonight, so I made a sandwich for dinner

It wasn’t so much as a sandwich as much as it was just bread.

I guess more just grain.

Fermented grain.

Distilled, fermented grain.

I had whisky for dinner tonight.

An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone.

He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds. Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks...like I said - my boy's a typical Irish...

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him ÂŁ240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets ÂŁ190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's...

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A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into a bar.

The priest orders a whisky sour, the rabbi orders a red wine, and all three of them died in agony and put those they were close to in critical condition because they couldn't just stay the fuck home.

Two depressed men are sitting at a bar drinking whisky

Suddenly one of them remarks: "Have you noticed the new ice cubes? They have a hole in the middle!"

"They're not new", the other one replies. "I have been married to one for 20 years!"

A horse walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a triple whisky."

The bartender says to the horse, “Are you an alcoholic?”

The horse replies, “I don’t think I am.” The horse promptly vanishes into thin air.

Now, that joke was a play on the classic proposition “Cogito ergo sum”, or “I think, therefore I am.” If this was to be explained at the start of...

I always wondered why there were two different ways to spell Whiskey / Whisky.

Having been to Dublin, I now realise it's because the Irish like to drop an E in their drinks.

A man walks into a bar and orders a whisky-coke.

Barman : "Sorry Sir, we have only Pepsi".

The man : "I don't mind".

And the barman serves him a glass with half Pepsi, half Coke.

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My small grandson got lost in the shopping mall....

He approached a uniformed security guard and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Papa"
The guard smiles then asked, "What's he like?"
The boy hesitated for a moment then replies,
"Single malt Scotch whisky and women with big tits...

A Scotsman crashes his car into an English mans car,he apologises and says to the driver have a wee dram of whisky,it'll calm you down and pours him a large one.he drinks that and gladly accepts another one.he gulps that down and says to the Scotsman aren't you having one? The Scotsman replied ..

No,not until the police have arrived.

A Man Rushes Into A Bar And Says

“Quick! Give me a pint of lager, and then a whisky, then another pint and another whisky, then a pint and a whisky, a pint and a whisky, a pint and a whisky, another pint, another whisky, and finally a pint and a whisky”

As fast as the bartender is pouring the drinks, the man is knocking them...

Guy goes into a bar in California where there is a robot bartender.

The robot asks, “What will you have?” The guy replies, “Whisky.” The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ? The guy says, “168.” The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

After the guy leaves the more he thinks about it,...

What did Batman give Doctor Freeze with his whisky?

Just-ice

A man walks into a bar an drinks 10 straight double whiskys one after the other, suddenly he keels over rubbing his stomach head bowed, barman says to the man, 'what's the matter?' Man says 'I shouldn't of drank that whisky with what I've got', barman says 'why what have you got?'

Man says 2quid

I have shop, where you can drink Jack Daniels and bake

I call it Whisky Businnes

I got home after a stressful and demotivating day to find my wife moving my whisky collection up to a high shelf.

I can always rely on her to lift my spirits.

There's an English man, an Irish man and a Scots man...

They're all stranded on this Desert Island. The cannibals come and say "right you're coming back with us and we are going to skin you and turn you into canoes"

So... they arrive at their camp and the cannibals say "before you're killed you each get one last request"

The scots man is fi...

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A Scottish guy is sitting in his local pub drowning his sorrows in whisky.

He says to the barman "So you build 30 houses in the village and walk down the street do people say *'there goes McDougall the home builder'* no they don't!"

He waves for another whisky and continues "Then you save 4 children from a burning house and when you walk down the street do they say ...

Boris Jeltsin, Bill Clinton and Ernesto Zedillo in Paris pub.

Boris Jeltsin, Bill Clinton and Ernesto Zedillo are going to pub in Paris to have a drink.
The bartender greets them and asks: "L'aperitif?" All there are responding with enthusiastic "Oui!"
Bartender turns to Zedillo: "Le tequila?"
Zedillo: "Oui!"
Kelner turns to Jeltsin: "...

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First Blowjob

A young man walks into a bar, orders five shots of whisky, and quickly downs them all.

The bartender says, "Whoa there buddy. That's a lot of shots. What's going on?"

The man replies, "First blowjob today."

The bartender says, "Well congratulations! I'll tell you what, have anot...

Soon after the General retired..., he decided he must do something different...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...!

*He soon found himself on an island with no flagstaff, no batmen, no ADC, no club, no canteen, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.*

After about four months,...

A guy walks into a bar, and is greeted by a robot.

The robot says, “What’s your drink”? The man replies, “Whisky”. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ”? The man says 150. The robot then pours his whisky and proceeds to talk to the man about the space time continuum, time travel, and the multiverse. The man finishes his drink, and leaves the bar. ...

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I was in Walmart whit the wife

I was in Walmart whit the wife and put a bottle of whiskey in the trolley "what do you think your doing " Asked the missus " it's on offer $10 for 1 bottle " put it back we can't afford it. A few aisles on she picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley "what are you doing "I sed ...

A drunk was walking with a whisky bottle in the pocket of his coat

It was late and the streets were slippery from the rain. Suddenly, he lost his footing and fell face first in the curb.

Feeling his body, he noticed his chest was wet. He closed his eyes and prayed:

“Dear Lord, please let it be blood”

What's the difference between child prostitution & whisky?

Aged whisky costs more.

Three Scotsmen were sitting in a bar together.

- When I die, said the old Scot, I would like one of you to pour a bottle of the best Scottish whisky over my grave.
- We will do that for you, said one of the younger men. But do you mind if it passes through our kidneys first?

The Paper Cowboy

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of...

*A Man offers whisky to a woman* who happens to sit next to him alone in a bar counter.

*Woman*: "No thanks. I don't take alcohol. It's bad for my legs. "

*Man*: "Legs ? That's strange !!! Do they swell, hurt or what ? "

*Woman*: "No ! They open easily !!! "

A man walks into a bar

The bartender asks “why the long face?”

The man replies “I just found out that my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”

The bar tender looks shocked and says “I’m sorry, I can’t help you kill yourself.”

The man asks “well what would...

That's weird

A man walks into a bar and orders a bottle of whisky and drinks it all. Tipsy, he now orders half a bottle of whisky. Drunk, he orders a glass of whisky. Heavily drunk and in a sorry state, he now orders half a glass of whisky. Then he says,

"That's weird. The less I drink the drunker I get"

How Scotland was created...

At the beginning of time God was discussing the creation of the world with the angel Gabriel. Leaning back in his golden throne, he told him of his plans for Scotland.

"Gabriel," said god "I am going to give Scotland towering mountains and magnificent glens resplendent with purple Heather. Re...

A man is up in court on a tricky litigation case, and his lawyer has warned him that the judge is very strict and correct. “He won’t stand for any nonsense and he knows all the tricks!”

“Well, would it help if I sent him a brace of grouse and a bottle of whisky?”

“Absolutely not!” says the lawyer. “He’s as straight as a die and completely in-corruptable!”

Come the day of the trial, the man wins his case easily, and afterwards says to his lawyer, “I knew that whisky an...

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Dave walks into a bar...

He sits down; Then a Stork walks in, and sits next to him... and a cat walks in and sits on the other side.

He ushers the barkeep over and asks for a pint, handing over a ÂŁ5 note.

The Barman has seen some shit in his time, so he is unfazed, and pours a nice cold pint.

Then the s...

Stay away from uncle Bob

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to m...

Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money...

Between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied...

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A man gets to his plane seat and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him

Once in the air, the stewardess comes round and the man asks her for a coffee. The parrot meanwhile squawks: “And get me a fucking whisky, you bitch.”

The stewardess, somewhat taken aback, remains composed and brings a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this ...

There are two Chinese guys, one of them wants to rob a brewery…

His friend asks; “Why don’t we rob a distillery, we’d make more money?”

“It’s too whisky.”

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A Texan is getting drunk in a bar in Alaska, and he starts to brag about how great Texas is.

An Alaskan hunter comes up to him and says, "Listen, buddy. Here in Alaska,
you ain't shit until you've done three things: Drink a fifth of Alaskan
whiskey, shoot a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman."

The Texan accepts the challenge and starts by grabbing a bottle of whisky f...

A man walks into a bar.

A man walks into a bar.

"What can I get you?" Asks the landlord

"I'll have a beer please"

The landlord pours him a beer and puts it in front of him.

"That's ÂŁ3.50 please"

"Oh I'm not paying for it. You offered me a drink so I said I'll have a beer"

"Don't b...

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A man walks into a bar and pulls a minuscule person out of his pocket

They sit at one of the tables, waiting for a friend of theirs. Meanwhile, they order drinks: a whisky for the man, and a thimble of whisky for Peter, his minuscule friend.
The person they were waiting for arrives, and they start talking about the pair's last travel:
-The landscapes in Keny...

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irish man were captured by a serial killer.

The serial killer said “I will kill you all, but as a final act of kindness I will let you each decide how I will kill you.”

The Englishman accepting his impending death said “I want to die by suffocation, but please make it quick.” So the serial killer picked up a pillow, smothered the face ...

Wife did some shopping and returned home

Wife came home with 9 cases of beer, 8 wine bottles, 10 whisky bottles and 2 bread packets.

Hubby : Are we expecting guests ?

Wife : No

Hubby : Then why did you buy so much bread ?

Three bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened...

"Well, the first body is a Frenchman, who had a heart attack while making love to his mistress, hence the smile." says the coroner.

Second body's a Scotsman, 25, won the lottery and spent all hi...

Three UDP packets walk into a bar

The first says "I'll have a beer"
The third says "I'll have a whisky"
The second says "I'll have wine"
The barman asks what they want to drink

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A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican...

A Scotsman, an American, and a Mexican are travelling in a hot air balloon when it starts to rapidly lose altitude.

"Quick!" says the Scotsman, "We need to lose some weight, fast."

He throws his case of fine scotch whisky over the side.

"Why did you do that?" says the American. ...

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A drop dead gorgeous woman at the club whispered seductively in my ear, "How about free drinks all night in return for sex?" Sputtering excitedly, I blubbered, "Ah-ah-ah-are y-y-y-you sh-sh-sh-sure?!" Purring, she panted, "Yes!" I shot out...

"Really, because I can drink a lot of whisky, you know!?"

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An American and Japanese engineer meet at an industry conference.

During an industry conference an American Engineer and a Japanese Engineer are assigned the same hotel room. After a few drinks they become competitive and place a bet. Whoever can build the best paper boat would have their tab covered by the other.

They both ask for a piece of paper and make...

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A blind man walks into a bar ...

A blind man walks into a bar and says to the bartender “Give me a shot of your finest 30 year old single malt !”

The bartender says, “You know, that will cost you 100 bucks – it’s pretty expensive”. The blind man says “Not a problem, I have the money and I know what I like !”. So the bartende...

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The door of a bar slams open and in walks a piece of black tarmacadam.

He kicks over a chair walks walks to the bar and says, "Give me a bottle of whisky because I'm the toughest piece of road in this whole damn city!"

Soon enough the bar quietens down again and everyone gets back to their drinking. Suddenly the door slams open again and a piece of red tarmacada...

Underage drinking is a big issue in my house.

My son is drinking whisky that's only aged for two years.

Honestly, he's the dumbest ten-year-old I've ever met.

Why does a sensible man not order a double bourbon?

Because it's two whisky.

A Navy SEAL, an Army Ranger and a Delta Operator walk into a bar...

...the Delta Operator orders a shot of whisky, the Army Ranger has a beer, and the Navy SEAL writes a book about it.

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A door-to-door salesman knocks on a door of a house

Little Johnny opens up, holding a half empty bottle of whisky and a lit cigar.

The salesman says, "hey kid, are your mom and dad home?"

Johnny takes a swig of whisky and a puff of the cigar, and answers, "What the fuck do you think"?

My cake day

I don't have a meme
I've been in quarantine
So I just hope this little rap
Will set you all in snap....
That....that....
I've been drinking my weight in whisky

islas Malvinas

The English Government had finally decided to give the veterans of this terrible war between Argentina and the UK, some financial support, to the families of the veterans and to the veteran themselves. One of this war's veteran went to a pub in London and started pointing to a drink behind the barma...

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A kid walks into a bar.

He walks up to the bartender and orders a shot of whisky. As soon as the shot touches the bar the kid downs it and orders a second shot.

The bar tender sets the whisky down on the bar and just as he did before the kid downs it.

The bar tender looks at the kid and asks "Are you cele...

Never try and make a living selling Scotch

It's a Whisky business

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The man knows his scotch!

A man walks into a bar and asks for 40 year old scotch whisky.

The bartender says "I'll see what I can find in the back"
He emerges from the back only a few minutes later with a glass and gives it to the man. He takes a sip and, "I asked for 40 year old whisky. This is only 12 year old."...

God said to Gabriel:

"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"

"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"

"Well" said God. "Wa...

I've been sitting, drinking and thinking.

Everything in the universe is made of whisky or not made of whisky.

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A nun walks into a bar

"A bottle of whisky please." The nun asks.

"No, sorry I can't sell whisky to a nun, You understand sis..."

"Mary Clarence." The nun interrupts. "It's not for me, but for mother superior."

The barman let's down his gaurd and agrees. When his shift ends he finds the nun drunk, hal...

Tom Cruise starts a cooking show...

"Whisky Business."

Like a whisk.. not whisky.. you know like, the metal cooking utensil? This is funny...Right?
Right?

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At school, kids were given the task to tell a story with a moral lesson

The next day, the teacher asks:

'So, what's your story Timmy?'

'This one time when we were taking eggs on a cart to the neighbouring town, the cart's wheel broke and so did all the eggs.'

'And what's the moral of this story?'

'That you shouldn't put all your eggs in one b...

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A priest in church wanted to demonstrate the dangers of alcohol.

He took out a live worm, dipped it in a glass of water and pulled it out alive. 'See? The worm is alive and well'. He now dips the worm in a glass of whisky and pulls out the worm. He screams at the congregation 'look at this worm. It's dead now. What does that tell you? The drunk at the back says: ...

I can walk on water

But I just kind of stumble on whisky

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A scruffy old drunk walks in to a bar...

... and says "give me a fucking pint and a whisky pal". The barman says "sure, but there's no need for the bad language though". The old fella drinks his pint down in one go and then pours the whisky in to his coats top pocket. The barman is watching this and just shakes his head thinking the guy...

Old Bert is 90..

...and the doctor makes a visit.

"So, any ailments, Bert?"

"Not really, Doctor. I'm bit slow, but everything works."

"Really?" says the doctor. "Nothing at all?"

"Well..." says Bert. "My neck has gotten a bit stiff over the years, but once I get the rocking chair going, I...

A science experiment.

In a science class, 3 worms were placed into 3 separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of whisky.

The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a jar of soil.

After one day, these were the results:

The first worm in w...

PSA: don't let them scan your forehead temperature at the grocery, it's mind control!

I came in to get eggs and bread, left with a bottle of whisky

Jock McTavish is on his deathbed...

His lifelong pal McGregor is sitting vigil by his side.

With his dying breath McTavish leans over and rasps. "There's a bottle of fine whisky under my bed. When I am gone, pour it over my grave. Promise me you'll do it man."

After a moments consideration McGregor replies. "Aye Jock, I'...

You can always take Terrence.

The hermit goes into the bar, throws his money on to the counter and says to the bartender.
- Give me a glass of whisky, a fine cigar and a beautiful woman.
The bartender answers:
- I can give you the whisky and the cigar, but sadly we don't have women here. If you really want, there is Ter...

A man comes home early after a long day of work (NSFW)

As soon as he walks through the door, something seems different today. At the door there is a new pair of shoes. Already suspecting his wife the man grabs his rifle and sneaks towards the bedroom. Listening at the door he hears moaning and screaming from the inside. In rage he opens the door and sho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Poor McGregor can't catch a break

A young Irishman sits down for a pint at his local pub, and soon the Scot on the stool next to him
strikes up a conversation:

You see the fishing pier out that window? asks the Scot. I built that pier with me own bare hands.
But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-maker?' No.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A door to door salesman knocks on a door...

An 8 year old kid wearing a fur coat, his boxers smoking a cigar with a glass of whisky opens the door.

Saleman- are you parents home?

Kid-What do you fucking think?

A naked lady walks into a bar

A fully naked lady walks into a bar and sits down.

She calls up the bartender and asks for a whisky. The bartender looks at her, but does nothing. She asks again but gets the same response.

She asks him "whats the matter? you never seen a naked lady before?"

and the bartender r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Stockbroker moves to Scotland

A Wall Street Stockbroker decided one day he’d had enough of stress and moved to rural Scotland. His cottage was miles away from the next one and he found the tranquility relaxing.

After a few days he answered a knock at the door, before him stood a Scotsman in a kilt; 6’9 tall, ginger hair ...

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