My doctor told me to drink a brandy with port after a hot bath...

I couldn't even finish drinking the hot bath.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two southern wives were sitting on their porch sipping brandy.

One woman says to the other ‘my husband bought me this beautiful ring’ as she flashed a diamond ring.
The other replied in a breathy voice ‘ain’t that niiceee’.

The first woman added ‘he also bought me this lovely dress I’m wearing today’.
The other replied in the same breathy voice ...

A man rushes into a bar and orders a double brandy.

While the barman is pouring, the man extends his hand at knee height and asks: “Do penguins grow this big?”

“I should think so,” the barman replies.

The man raises his hand. “How about this big?”

“Well, perhaps a king penguin, but I’m not sure . . .”

The man holds his han...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man knocks on the door

Little Johnny opens it with a satin gown on a brandy in one hand and a cigar in the other.

The man asks “are your parents home?”

To which Johnny replies “does it fucking look like it?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Wife won't like it

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"

"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.

"Jack , forget your troubles. Com...

My daughter asked where her names comes from

I told her: well, there are two things keeping your mother and I's marriage together, and they are both named Brandy.

Drinking brandy always reminds my of my Grandmother

She never touched the stuff, but she's Very Special, Old and Pale.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drug addict, an alcoholic and a cronic smoker die in a car crash

Three of them face the ultimate judgement. They'd have been sent to hell but turns out they did their share of good in their lives. So they face the last test. The alcoholic is given a bottle of Brandy, the drug addict given the stuff he digs and the smoker given a pack of cigarettes. Each of them a...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Pole were captured by the Germans and thrown into prison.

However, the guard was rather kind towards them, and said, "I am going to lock you away for five years, but I'll let you have anything you want now before I lock you away."

The Englishman says, "I'll have five years' supply of beer!" His wish is granted, and they lock him away with his beer....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mothers Support Group...

At a mother's support group, a gathering of ladies with their children are talking with a therapist about life issues. After a few rounds of discussion the therapist had come to a few conclusions she wanted to share.

She looks at the first mother and says, "The reason you named your daughter...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mean Drunk!

One day two guys go to a bar on the 100th floor of a building. It's a pretty fancy and famous place you'd go to tick it off the bucket list. A drunk approaches them

Drunk: You know what I can do, do ya?

Man1: Ummm, we want no trouble mister.

D: Nonsense no trouble I just wanted ...

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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.

He observed, "You all have obsessions."

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny.

He turned to the third mom,...

A guy walks into a bar....

Asks the bar tender for a shot of whiskey, vodka and brandy.

Nails the three shots and proceeds to say "I shouldn't have done that with what I've got! "

The bar tender replies "why, what have you got?"

"One pound" the man replies....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 preachers and their kids were on their way to a daddy-daughter conference...[long]

when they all tragically got into a car accident and died.
They were standing in line ready to get in to heaven.
The first pastor, a non-denominational pastor, went up to St. Peter with his daughter, expecting a warm greeting into the pearly gates of heaven.

St. Peter stopped them an...

Why was Roy Moore waiting outside the liquor store when it opened?

He heard they had a 14 year old Brandy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pierre the famous French fighter pilot

Pierre the famous French fighter was flying over occupied territory when he was shot down, a farmers daughter rescued him and took him to a secluded barn to nurse him back to health. When he was fully recovered Pierre told the the farmers daughter he would take her for a picnic as a reward, the picn...

I heard Roy Moore fell off the wagon after losing on Tuesday...

Several sources claim he was heard repeatedly asking for a decent 15 year old Brandy.

I went to a dinner and when I came back my friend asked me how it was.

"It would have been great if the wine had been as cold as the soup, the beef as rare as the service, the brandy as old as the fish, the fish as fresh as the maid, and the maid as willing as the Hostess!”

THE BIG CRASH

It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt.

They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the ...

A polar bear walks into a bar

A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'll have a brandy.........................................................................................................

..................................................................................................................

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pierre the French fighter pilot

Pierre the French fighter pilot has a few days off and he decides to take his girlfriend, Camille, down to the lake for a picnic.

They've had their fill of food and plenty of wine and are laying down looking up at the sky when Camille leans over and whispers in Pierre's ear, "Pierre, I love ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pierre the Famous French Fighter Pilot

Is making love to his wife.

He splashes red wine on her lips before kissing her. "I am Pierre, the Famous French Fighter Pilot! I like red wine with red meat!"

Later he splashes white wine on her breasts before sucking them. "I am Pierre the Famous French Fighter Pilot! I like white wi...

A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and sits down at the counter.
'What would you like to drink sir?' asked the barmaid.
'I dunno', said the man.
'Okay. How about whisky?' she asked.
'Nah', replied the man.
'Gin?'
'No'
'Vodka?'
'Don't make me laugh'
'Rum?'
'Nope'
'Tequila?'
'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sex with a twist

So one night a father is up at 5am waiting for his son. The son creeps in the door. The father asks "Where have you been?" The son replies "Well Dad I was out with some friends tonight and you know what I had sex". The father is overcome with delight so he opens a bottle of expensive brandy has a dr...

An old man is celebrating his 80th birthday...

...so his grandson decides to give him a gift and takes him to a brothel. The grandson says to the Madam, it's my grandpa's 80th birthday today and he's never been to a brothel before. The Madam says don't worry I'll give him somebody who's gentle and show him something exciting. So she takes the ol...

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A rancher dies.

A rancher dies and leaves the ranch to his wife. She, not being able to handle the responsibility of caring for the ranch, is forced to hire a ranch hand. The only available candidate happens to be a gay man, to whom she is fairly prejudiced. But left with no choice, she hires him. It turns out to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fridays!!

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowingin despair, he has his first meeting with The Devil.
The Devil: Why so sad?
Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.
The Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here... Do you drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A traveling salesman...

is going door to door and he stops at a house and rings the bell. A boy about nine years old opens it, and he's got a towel tied around his neck like a cape, a snifter of brandy in one hand, and a cigar in his mouth.

The salesman asks "Are your parents at home?"

The boy takes the ciga...

Two bad drivers, a man and woman, crashed into each other on a countryside road.

The woman luckily suffered no major injuries and so rushed to the man's vehicle before opening his car door and sitting in the passenger seat.

'Are you alright sir?' the woman asked. 'I'm incredibly sorry.'

'I'm fine, honey, thanks,' he replied. The woman was relieved, but the man stil...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've started seeing someone about my porn addiction.

Her name's Brandy.

Man walks into a bar

"2 whisky, 1 pint and 3 brandy"

Drinks all and takes the bottle of whisky and continues to fill and drink.

Barman " WOAHHH Slow down pal take it easy, what's the problem?"

Man " I only have £1.60"

So I was walking through rural Georgia when...

...I passed a little lady with white hair and deep wrinkles sitting on her front porch who waved to me. I decided to amble up, say hello, and see if I could determine the secret to her longevity.

She told me her name was Ida and that she'd lived in this house her whole life, just as her par...

One older couple invites another older couple over for dinner.

After eating, the women go to the kitchen to do the dishes and the men retire to the living room for a brandy.
One of the men says to the other, “Did you do anything interesting today.”
Other one said, “Not a damn thing.”
“How about yesterday?”
“Nope. Nothing.”
“Did you go out for din...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three married couples, one Jewish, one Irish, and one Greek, all die on the same day..

Three married couples, one Jewish, one Irish, and one Greek, all die on the same day and arrive at the gates of Heaven.
St. Peter asks the Jewish man why he deserves to be in Heaven. He replies, "I've been a pious Jew all my life, I attended synagogue every Saturday, and I raised a lot of money ...

The gift.

Knowing that the minister had a very sore throat, an elderly woman presented him with a bottle of cherry brandy.

"This is quite soothing,” the woman said, "but please don’t tell anyone I gave you liquor. Everyone thinks I am teetotaler."

"I understand," replied the good man.

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A therapist...

...said he could tell what their problems are by what they named their kids. He told one lady that she is overeater, cause she named her kid Candy. Said another lady is drug addict, daughter named Crystal. One lady is alcoholic, named kid Brandy. Last lady took her son by the hand, said "Come on Dic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three gangsters in a fancy restaurant...

Three gangsters, Vito, Carlo, and Nick are sitting around a table in a fancy restaurant. They’ve just finished their meal and have ordered some brandy. While they’re waiting for the brandy Vito pulls out a cigar and a $50 bill. He sticks of the bill into the flame of the candle in the centre of the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A vacuum salesman goes door to door...

A vacuum salesman is going door-to-door in the middle of the day. He knocks on a door in a quiet neighbourhood and a little boy, about five years old, answers. The vacuum salesman looks down at the boy and notices a lit cigar in the boy's mouth. In one hand, the boy is holding a glass of brandy. The...

A man walks into bar...

He runs to the bartender and says "Quick! Get me a double brandy before the trouble starts!"
The bartender pours him his drink and the man downs it and says "Quick! Double brandy, before the trouble starts!"
The bartender is confused, but pours him another drink.
The man downs it an...

Three learned gentlemen are discussing 'savoir faire'...(joke full of fuffery, told to me by a man who wore a fez all the time)

The first one takes a healthy belt of his brandy, leans back in his leather chair and says, "Mes amis! Savoir faire is something one does not learn easily. No sir! For example, a husband comes home earlier than he planned to. He opens the door and sees another man's coat hanging on the rack. Without...

The Greatest Fighter-pilot in France!

There is a fighter-pilot in France called Pierre. He is known throughout all of France as the best. Men want to be him, women want to be with him.

One night he is on the banks of the Seine with a beautiful woman. He charms her with his sharp wit and his soft whispers. Eventually she says "Pie...

A man walks into a synagogue with a dog...

A man walks into a synagogue with a dog. The Rabbi comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship; you can't bring your dog in here."

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog! Look."

The Rabbi looks carefully and sees, that in the same way that a St. B...