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A man is sitting at a rooftop bar and turns towards the patron next to him: "I want to make a bet. If I jump off the balcony and survive, you buy me a bottle of champagne."

"You don't mean that, do you?", the patron asks. "This building is twelve stories high."

"It's a magical balcony", the man says. "I'll be fine."

"Whatever man", the patron says. "I know you won't do it."

The man gets up, walks towards the balcony and drops headfirst towards the ...

What do you call an Englishman holding a bottle of champagne after a World Cup?

A waiter

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The Woman and the Farmer

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, 'How about that? I just ordered champagne, too!'
'What a coincidence' the farmer said. 'This is a special day for me. I am celebrating.'...
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrat...

Heaven or Hell

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldo...

A Russian diplomat was visiting Washington DC

While there, he was invited to a large dinner celebration being held by members of the US government. As he entered the dining hall, he was taken aback by the decor. It was very impressive. Everyone was served fillet mignon. The plates forks and knives were real silver. A small band was playing clas...

Vintage comedy

At a wine merchant, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard, with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.


The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.


The drun...

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The pickup line of Cecil the cavalier

Cecil is a young British aristocrat who loves horse-riding but is terribly shy.

On his daily trot around Hyde Park, he frequently sees a beautiful girl riding a jet-black Morgan horse but can’t pluck up the courage to approach her.

One evening he’s having a beer with his friend Charles...

How do you get a champagne cork back in the bottle?

I don't know, ask a Falcons fan

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What do you call Neil DeGrasse Tyson pouring champagne over his own bare chest?

An astro-fizzy-tits

Why is an empty champagne bottle like an orphan?

Because it has lost its pops

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. "What are you celebrating?" the bartender asks. "I just got my first novel published," the guy announces. "It's a thriller about a flock of 2,000 mockingbirds." "What's it called?" "2 kilomockingbirds," the guy replies.

Who knew what blondes know?

It was a typical night of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire:

Regis: “Barbara, you’ve done very well so far – $500,000 and one lifeline left — phone a friend.”

“The next question will give you the top prize of $1 million dollars,
if you get it right. But if you get it wrong, you will dr...

My fetish? I like to have a champagne toast and tap glasses together.

"Klinky"

A shooting club was holding a competition. The winner was to get a somewhat ugly trophy, the second-placed shooter - a crate of champagne.

By the end of the final round, two shooters were tied for first place, so they were told to do a tiebreaker round - 5 shots at maximum distance. To keep things more dramatic, they had to shoot at the same time.

After both had stopped firing and were awaiting the results, one shooter turned to...

I went to a expensive restaurant last night and I got a meal and a bottle of champagne for free.

They do it for everyone who jumps out of the toilet window and runs off.

The head cook was also a proud linguist. He boasted to his team that he'd finally figured out that champagne and sugar are the only words that sound like "sh" without starting with "sh".

The assistant hesitated for a moment then replied-
.
.
.
"Chef! Are you sure?"

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There was this farmer, Farmer John, who had a prize-winning bull.

Unfortunately, at the beginning of the breeding season, the bull had no interest in mating. Couldn't get it up at all.

Farmer John called Bill the veterinarian to come out and look at the bull. Bill checked the bull all over and said, "Well, there is nothing physically wrong with the bull. T...

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I once dated a stripper named Champagne.

The sex was terrible because she was always extra dry.

Today I celebrated with Champagne...

It marks my one day anniversary of being sober.

A priest, a nun, a giraffe, a telepathic unicorn, 21 pilots, Pennywise the clown, a ninja and Donald Trump walk into a bar. The bartender, struggling to open the champagne, says

...yeah I don't know how I'm going to pull this one off.

What's it called when you mix champagne with orange juice at breakfast?

Alcoholism

What’s the same about an orphan boy and a champagne bottle without a cork?

They both lost their pop

A man sends a bottle of champagne to a beautiful woman at a nearby table.

She sends back the bottle with a note

"Thank you. But in order for me to accept this bottle of champagne you must have a Lexus in the garage, a million in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants"

Scoffingly the gentleman sends back the bottle with his note

"Well miss, i have two br...

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Oldie but goodie.

There once was a small town, plagued with Foo birds. These were small but loathsome things. Harbingers of death, these birds were. Wherever they poo’d there would be death. The townsfolk were afraid to walk under trees and power lines, in case they became a Foo bird’s next victim.

Well one d...

Topograms are words that are derived from a real geographic location, like champagne and sandwich.

Tuxedo is also a topogram, dating from around 1888, the suit is named after Tuxedo Park, a Hudson Valley enclave for New York’s social elite where it was primarily seen in its early years. The area, known for its lavish estates, is too expensive for most people to own a home. Usually they just ren...

SpaceX won't be drinking Champagne tonight.

Every time they pop the cork it ends up back where it started...

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A Chinese man, French man, Muslim and an Australian stand on the edge of a cliff

\[long\]



The Chinese man approaches the edge and says "My country is rich with money - so I will give some to the gods, for luck!"

And the throws several rolls of $100 notes off the cliff.



The French man, not wanting to be out done, steps forward. "In my country...

How do they launch a champagne factory?

They throw a boat at it.

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A Frenchman, a Scotsman and a German...

... are at a public swimming pool.

This place has just opened a very special 10 meter high diving tower: for a fee of just $20, a patented device automatically fills the pool with the liquid you desire.

The Frenchman is excited. He pays, climbs up the ladder, shouts "Champagne" and the...

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A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

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A French and British vampire walk into a bar

The French orders for a glass of champagne then mixes blood into it.

The British orders a cup of hot water, which makes the French surprised:

\- No tea?

\- Quite the contrary, my friend - The British replies - then pulls out a used tampon from his jacket

For Valentine's Day, I bought a bottle of champagne and a box of chocolates...

...and passed out alone on the couch, same as every night.

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"Did your mother cook like this?"

A lonely man is attracted to a beautiful single woman in his office. He tries many ways to stimulate her interest in him, but she ignores all of his overtures—flirting, flowers, candy—nothing seems to work. Frustrated, he finally just asks her out to dinner, promising dinner at the best place in tow...

I went to see a friend from a very rich family. The maid approached me and asked...

MAID: -What would you like to have, fruit juice, yoghurt, tea, chocolate, cappuccino , frapuccino or coffee?

ME: -Tea pls.

MAID: -Ceylon Tea, Indian Tea, Herbal Tea, Kericho Gold Tea, Bush Tea or Green Tea?

ME: -Ceylon Tea pls.

MAID: -How do you want it, black or white?...

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There's a new luxury brothel in town

They pick you up with a limo service, you have a room for yourself with bed, shower, everything, you can drink as much champagne you like and have sex all night, and when you go home they even give you 500 bucks!

I haven't been there yet, but my wife has.

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A man walks into bar and orders full glass of vodka

Bartender asks him:
- What are you celebrating, mister?
He says:
- Today i got to know the taste of wild sex
Bartender:
- Congratulations! Can i offer you a bottle of champagne in this case?
A man:
- Thank you, sir, but i think champagne won't kill this taste

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

American, Frenchman, and a Russian Desert Genie

I searched and found this one only posted once and I think the punchline lacked compared to the way my Russian professor told it.

A Frenchman, an American, and a Russian find themselves lost in the desert with no hope of rescue. One of them spots a glimmer in the distance and they all rush to...

What do Princess Diana and Champagne have in common?

Both come from France in a wooden box.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Screwdriver, so the bartender hands him an apple

Confused, the man says "Bartender, I would like the drink." The bar tender shakes his head no and says "Just eat the apple."

The man takes a bite out of the apple and to his surprise he says "Wow, this tastes like vodka!" and the bartender says "Turn it around." So the man turns the apple aro...

Jim walked into a bar......

Jim, walked into a Bar and aggressively shouted his order to the bartender

”Please give me a plate of chicken wings and then give everyone half a kilo steak and mutton, cause when I eat,
I want everyone to eat!”

The bartender complies to this by giving Jim a plate of chicken wings ...

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and

said, "I bet it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift. She

held it up, shook it and said, "I bet I know what it is!...

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An English lord suspected his wife of cheating

So he hires a private detective to follow her.

On Sunday they meet.

"Well Mortimer" says the lord "what have you discovered?"

"Well sir, on Saturday your wife left at a quarter past three, went into the city, met a man at a five to four, by half past six they left for the cinem...

Donald Trump and his chauffeur are driving on a country road.

Suddenly, a pig runs in front of the car. The chauffeur has no time to react, so he runs over the animal, killing it instantly. They get out of the vehicle, look around and spot a small farm in the distance. Trump says:

The pig probably came from there. You should at least tell them that you ...

Dorothy and Edna, two senior widows, are talking.

Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date.
I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk
with you about him before I give him my answer."

Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in...

In memoriam

Rapid Roy was a daredevil who specialized in car stunts. He decided to retire in style and end his career by attempting a canyon jump in the worst car he could find. After doing some digging, he came across a Chevy Nova in an auction in Champagne, LA. It was in bad shape, but he took a chance, wo...

A group of 3 men walked into a bar

The scottish man had whiskey the frenchman had champagne and the inuit had some bellinis- the french and scottish looked at him and both said: I knew it!

25th Anniversary

A loving couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary privately at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. Tipsy and feeling very intimate, the husband asked, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

"Hmmm," she replied. "Since you ask, I have been unfaithful on th...

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Hillary Clinton was being driven in a private limo to a rally...

... when suddenly, the car hit a large and old-looking cow.

The driver got out and checked to see if it was dead. After confirming the death, he saw the tag on it that said it belonged to a nearby farm. He told Hillary Clinton that he would be going over to the farm to tell the farmers what ...

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A man, an ostrich and a cat walk into a restaurant...

The man and his companions sit down at a table and a waitress walks over to them to take their order.

"I'll have a 16oz Steak with all the trimmings and a bottle of champagne." The man says.

The waitress nods and turns towards the ostrich, who seems confused.

"Oh! Uh, I'll, um.....

Man walks into a bar

Orders the most expensive bottle of champagne and downs it in one. He then orders the very best brandy and polishes it off the same way. He looks at the barman and says I really shouldn’t have done that with what Ive got. The barman says “why what have you got ?” The man replies £3

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Shipwrecked

So a guy is involved in a shipwreck, and manages to swim to a deserted island. He's there for three years, living on coconuts and crabs.

Then one day a barrel floats ashore. The top pops off the barrel, and a woman climbs out.

"Oh my god!" says the guy.

"Wow," says the woman. "I...

Guy dies in a car crash...

...and goes up to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looks his name up in his book and shakes his head.

"What's that mean?" the guy says.

"You gotta go down," Saint Peter says.

The guy gets put on an elevator and takes the ride down to hell. When the doors open, he sees a large, oval...

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

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A guy rents a hotel room and hires a prostitute to meet him there.

Being quite shy, he turns the light off, leaving the room lit only by the faint glow of the moon through the blinds.

There is a *knock* on the door, and sitting on the edge of the bed, already aroused in anticipation, he says, "It's open. Come in and leave the light off". She enters and stra...

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Rolls Royce and a Mini

A Rolls Royce and a Mini pull up at the lights together. The guy in the Mini looks at the guy in the Rolls Royce and presses a button to lower his window. The guy in the Rolls Royce smiles and presses the button for his window to go down and with beautiful precision the window smoothly rolls down. ...

Three blondes walk into a bar

They order a bottle of champagne and after several times of raising their glasses to 45 days the bartender asks what they are celebrating. One blonde responds 'We finished a puzzle in 45 days but the box said 3-6 years'

(OC) An Irishman

goes to the pub every evening to drink a few pints with his mates. One day he sits down and orders four glasses of champagne for everyone.

Barney wonders why so he asks, “Paddy, why the champagne? What are we celebratin’?”

“Nothing,” answers Paddy, “‘tis not a celebration, ‘‘tis med...

A new emerging rock band is having its first concert

To be sure that everything goes perfectly the group's manager decides to invite a well known concert critic: If he decided to come and the concert went well, that would've been their occasion to take off in the world of music

Incredibly the critic accepts their offering and is present in his ...

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Chad's wife decided to surprise him on his birthday

and to show him that she's a cool wife, she took him to a strip club.

At the club:

Bouncer: Hi Chad! How you doing tonight?

Wife: How does he know you?

Chad: We play golf together!

Bartender: Evening Chad! The usual?

Wife: And how does he kno...

An Englishman in France

This happened to an Englishman in France who was totally blasted. A French policeman stops his car and asks if he has been drinking. With great difficulty, the Englishman admits that he has been drinking all day, that his daughter got married that morning, and that he drank champagne and a few bottl...

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"Have you ever broken up with someone over a single character flaw?"

My ex-girlfriend and I were a perfect match.

Like Batman and Robin.

Only we didn’t solve crimes and the tight, latex outfits we owned were used in the bedroom and not on the streets.

I truly thought she was the one.

But she had one character flaw that proved too great to ...

What do you call a wine convention in upstate New York?

The Lake Champlain Champagne Campaign

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A man walks into a strip club...

And sits down at the runway. He watches for a bit, and then the strippers start to make their rounds. One sits in his lap. "Would you like a dance?" She asks. Why not, the man thinks, "let's go!"

The stripper guides him to the lapdance area. While there, she asks if he wants to go to the...

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They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.


She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English s...

Drawing pictures on a date

The owner of a large furniture store in the midwest arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke.

He to...

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A teenage boy is caught shoplifting

The shop owner knows the boy's family so he just chews him out and calls his Dad who takes him home and grounds him. The boy's grandfather sees him crying and asks what's wrong. Through sobs the boy tells his grandfather what happened.

The grandfather says "You need to grow some balls son. S...

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A man walks into his favourite bar....

...he sits at his favourite table, and waves at the waiter to order himself a beer. While waiting for his beer, he notices 2 scratch marks on the table right in front of him.

When the waiter comes, he asks him: "What are those scratches?"

Waiter says: "Those are marks. There were two m...

Mother Theresa looks down into hell from heaven...

She sees them getting ready for dinner. It's a feast, beef Wellington, shrimp, twice baked potatoes, wine, champagne, and a million different desserts.

Just then God came by and asked, "Are you hungry? I'm making tuna fish sandwiches if you'd like one."

MT: "Um, ok, sure."

The ...

10 blondes walk into a bar...

they say to the bartender, "We'll have the most expensive bottle of champagne you have! We're celebrating."
They sit down and crack open the bottle and raise their glasses and they all say "23" and drink.
The bartender is curious and goes to their table and asks, "What are you celebrating?"<...

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Meta: Reverse Punchline Challenge

Hey /r/Jokes, I thought it might be interesting to see just how good we are at actually making jokes from unfunny situations. As such, I thought a good challenge might be to provide a few randomly thought up punchlines that *you* the subreddit construct the lead-up/joke to. Highest rated comment wou...

Two Arabs are on a plane.

One orders a bottle of Champagne and asks the other "do you want some?".

The other replies "No thanks, I'll have to drive soon".

A man was out at sea celebrating buying a new Yacht with his girlfriend.

Man (raising a glass of champagne) : To our new "YAKT".

Girlfriend : The 'c' is silent, honey.

Man : (staring out at the horizon) : Yes it's very tranquil, you're right.

kids eat free today

Waiter: Can I take your order sir, kids eat free today.
Me: Oh, well in that case i’ll just have a glass of water and my son will have the grilled lobster,a 15oz steak and a small bottle of champagne please.

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Let's hear your best "my penis is so big" jokes

My dick is so big that at birth, instead of spanking me, the doctor smashed me with a bottle of champagne

A man and woman in bed

"Give me some", man begs.

"No. You've had too much," wife responds.

"Come on, let me have some," man begs again.

"I'm tired of this. Help yourself. Go ahead, but you know how it always goes", then wife says.

Happily man goes to kitchen, opens refrigerator, and grabs a bot...

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Veteran Wine Taster

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building... EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED --POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired veteran named "Ace," drunk and with a ragged dirty look a...

Kids bring gifts to the teacher on the last day of school

The florist's son buys a nice bouquet, the confectioner's daughter gets a cake, and the son of the liquor store owner brings a big box, nicely wrapped.

The teacher lifts the box and sees that it's slightly leaking. She humorously tastes a drop and asks:

'Is it wine?'

'Nope,' ans...

A black guy sees an ad in the paper...

...that says, "Come and enjoy a relaxing afternoon floating down the river followed by a champagne party!" Well, the guy thinks this sounds pretty good and so heads on down to the marina. But as soon as he gets there, 3 white guys jump out of the bushes. They strip him naked, tie him to a log and th...

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To celebrate their 7th anniversary a man and his wife....

Spend the weekend at an exclusive golf resort. He is a pretty good golfer, but she only just started. When they head down to the golf course after a lavish lunch and a bottle of champagne, they notice a beautiful mansion a couple of hundred yards behind the first hole.

"Let's be extra carefu...

A politician dies and goes to heaven...

He is greeted by St. Peter who tells him there is a new system in the afterlife. You can spend one day in heaven and one day in hell, and afterwords you can decide where you want to spend eternity.

The politician say, "ok, let's try this out."

So he spends the day in heaven, praying ...

A man walks into a bar and notices a beautiful woman sitting alone

He calls over a waitress and tells her to send the woman the bar's most expensive champagne.

The woman looks over the champagne then brings it to the man saying, "I can not accept anything from a man unless he has a Mercedes in his garage, $1M in the bank and 7 inches in his pants."

Th...

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