UPJOKE
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A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey

When the barman serves it up, he takes it out to the bench in front of the bar to drink it.

As he's enjoying his drink, a nun walks by, and glares at him sourly. "How can you pollute your soul with the Devil's drink like that?" she asks.

The man shrugs. "It's not the Devil, it's just w...

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A guy goes to the bar and orders 5 shots of Whiskey....

....the bartender asks, “Is the rest of the party parking, or...?”

Guy replies, “No, actually, they’re all for me. Had my first blow job today.”

Bartender says, “No shit! Lemme line up a sixth, on the house!”

Guy says, “Don’t bother, if five don’t kill the taste, nothing will.”

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey...

The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man.

The man, confused, asks to the bartender...

-What the hell is this?

-Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monk...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey...

A man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The barkeep says "That'll be 2 pence"

"2 pence!?" said the man. "That's cheap! Do you sell food?"

"Yep" , said the barkeep

"Alright, I'll have a steak and chips" replied the man

"Sure" said the barkeep, "That's also 2 pe...

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A man walks into a bar and downs three shots of whiskey.

The man loudly proclaims, "All lawyers are assholes!"

A big, burly man next to him at the bar turns around and says, "Take that back."

"Why? Are you a lawyer?"

"No, I'm an asshole."

a bear walks into a bar and says, "give me a whiskey and... cola"

"why the big pause?" Asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. "I'm not sure; I was born with them."

I bought a bottle of whiskey at the shops today

I tied it to my bike to take it home, but on the way I realised if i fell off my bike, the bottle would smash. So I stopped, drank the whole bottle and carried on my way.

It’s a good thing I did - I ended up falling off my bike several times!

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey...

The bartender gives him one, looks at him head to toe, and asks, "So, what did you dress up for this Halloween?"

The man replies, "A nine-carbon chain".

The bartender chuckles and says, "A nine-carbon chain with alcohol?"

"Yeah, any problem with that?"

"No, nonanol"
...

So Daffy Duck and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Daffy turns to Elmer and says: “Is this Whiskey?”

Elmer says: “Yeth but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!!”

A guy walks into a bar and says “Give me a shot of your finest Whiskey, and pour one for yourself on me!”

The bartender is surprised but pleased, so he pours two shots of the most expensive Scotch in the house.

They toast and drink up. After a few moments the man gets up and walks towards the door without paying. The bartender chases after him and says “hey what’s the big idea?! You haven’t paid...

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the bartender, "What the fuck is that?"

The bartender replies, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap shouts back, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

I am doing a new Whiskey diet and it is working. So far I have lost

7 days

A man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of the finest whiskey...

...the bartender looks at him a bit weird since he's alone, but pours the man a shot. The guy says, no, I'd like them all lined up, ready to go. The bartender this this is a bit odd, but the bar is empty, and figures, why not, this guy probably had a rough day or something. The man starts with the f...

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Some idiot was shouting outside my window last night, vodka! Whiskey! Tequila! And at this point I got up and went to the window and shout back!

“Hey Dickhead I call the shots round here”

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A cat walks into a bar.

He’s having a bad day. He asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. The bartender puts it on the counter and the cat slowly nudges the shot glass onto the floor breaking the shot glass. The cat looks up at the bartender and says leave the bottle. I’m not done yet.

If my wife made whiskey…

I’d love her still!

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A man died and found himself in Hell.

As he was walking through hell in despair, he met The Devil for the first time.

Devil asks him: "Hey, fellow. Why are you so desperate?"
Man: "What do you think? I'm in hell."

Devil: "Hell isn't that bad. We're having a lot of fun here. Do you like alcohol?"
Man: "Sure, I l...

Did you guys hear about the cows that were out in the field, smoking weed, playing poker, and drinking whiskey?

The steaks were high

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. He downs it and orders another. He downs it and orders a third. As he’s reaching for it the bartender asks if something’s wrong. “Well”, the man replies, “I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.” The bartender replies “Man, that’s tough,...

A man walks into a bar…

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what wou...

A Priest working in a remote parish in Greenland gets his yearly visit from his Bishop.

The Bishop asks him, "How are you managing with the loneliness?"

The Priest responds, " If it wasn't for my Rosary and my whiskey, I couldn't make it. Would you like a shot of whiskey?"


The Bishop nods his head yes.


The Priest yells out, "Hey Rosary, bring us two shots ...

A man walks into a bar and orders 12 of the most expensive whiskey shots

The bartender lines 12 up shot glasses and fills them up.

The man quickly downs all 12 of them back to back and taps the bar, “again.”

The bartender looks a little confused, but lines of 12 more shots.

The man quickly downs all 12 shots and hits the bar, “again.”

The bart...

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A man takes a seat at a bar and waves at the bartender. “Gimme a shot of whiskey.”

A man takes a seat at a bar and waves at the bartender. “Gimme a shot of whiskey.”

Another man at the bar, notices his accent and asks, “You sound like a fellow Irishman. What county do you come from?”
“I come from Kildare” the man replies.
“Me too! What town in Kildare?”
“Maynooth, ...

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A young man walks into a bar and orders ten whiskeys...

The bartender is skeptical, but obliges. He lines the shot glasses up and pours the whiskey. The man then downs all ten shots one after the other, with no pause.

"What's the occasion," asks the bartender.

"My first blowjob," replies the young man.

The bartender smiles. "Well, ...

"Poor Old fool” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub…

So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”

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Irish Whiskey

A man walked into a pub, took a seat, and when the barmaid asked him what he wanted he replied, "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat between your luscious breasts".
"You bloody degenerate!", the barmaid shouted, "Get out before I fetch my husband!"

The man apologize...

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The almost-deaf genie

A man enters a pub and goes to the bar, he orders a whiskey and, after drinking it he pays and when her turns around to leave he sees a humongous rooster, 6’ tall, roaming around the pub.
“What the….” The man says, turning back to the bartender:
“Ugh, don’t ask me, ask that genie over there”; ...

A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.

She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

She says "I want you to see this."

She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

She then says, feeling that she has made ...

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A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.

The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.

The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically.

This catches the bartender’s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.

Finally, the man finds what he’s looking f...

Those who are afraid of gaining weight, should drink a shot of whiskey before every meal…

alcohol reduces fear.

My uncle fell into a vat of whiskey and drowned.

5 men tried to save him but he managed to fight them off.

Two old ladies go to a baseball game with a jug of whiskey. Name the inning and number of players on the bases.

Bottom of the fifth, bags are loaded.

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A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order."
Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."
Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone.

-Next day-
The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks.
Bartender: "Still not over ...

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and asks for a shot of whiskey

The bartender asks him, "what is that thing and why's it in my bar?"

"That's my pet," the man replies. "He follows me everywhere and we both love a good drink."

Sighing, the bartender decides he doesn't have time to argue the semantics of bringing animals into bars and pours two shots,...

A man walks into a bar and orders 5 Whiskeys and downs them incredibly quickly.

The barman says "That was quick!"


"You'd drink them quickly if you had what I had..." replies the man.

"Ohh, what's that?" said the barman sympathetically.

The man answers "no money."

An Irishman is walking on a beach when he stubs his toe on an old metal box

He opens the lid
And a Genie pops out and praises him for letting him out after 500 years…

He offers him a wish… and the Irishman says… every evening after dinner when I pee, I want to pee the finest Irish Whiskey…

Done says the genie and vanishes in a flash…

That evening af...

Whiskey is an amazing invention...

2 doubles and you start feeling single again.

A Californian, a Texan and a local are drinking at a bar in Big Sky, MT

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he's from, they make so much money they don't have to drink out of the same glass twice.
<...

Today convinced me that society isn't deteriorating as much as we think.

I was on the bus at 6am and this really generous guy offered me a sip from his half-empty whiskey bottle.

A duck, a deer and a giraffe walk into a bar.

They order three shots of whiskey. They drink those down and order three more. Again, they drink those down and then get up to leave.

Bartender says, "Someone has got to pay for those!"

Duck said, "I've only got a bill."

Deer says, "I've only a buck."

Giraffe goes, "...

A guy rushes into a bar out of breath and manages to excitedly utter to the bartender "Gimme 6 shots of whiskey quick"!

The bartender says "What's the hurry?" as he lays out the six shots. The guy starts downing the shots as fast as the bartender is filling them. As he is gulping down the last shot, he utters "Well you would drink fast too if you had what I have". The bartender says "well geez mister what do you have...

Two guys are sitting around drinking whiskey. One turns to the other and says "I like my whiskey without ice." His friend smiles and responds...

"I see what you did there! That's neat."

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

A freighter carrying a shipment of whiskey from Scotland lost power and was blown onto the rocks in Nova Scotia. The entire cargo was lost.

it left no tern unstoned.

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Man goes to the same bar every saturday and orders three glass of whiskey...

and after quickly drinking the whiskey, he leaves the bar.

After doing this more than a year, bartender gets curious and asks him:

"If you dont mind me asking, why do you always order three shots?"

"I got me a two brother, mate. We used to get together and order one glass of wh...

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This man walks into a bar and orders 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks: "What's the matter?"...

"I found out my brother is gay"

The next day the same man goes to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks: "You're back. What's wrong this time?"

"I found out that my son is gay."

The next day, the same man goes to the bar again and orders 20 shots of whiske...

I doubt whiskey is the answer,

But it's worth a shot.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey for himself and one for his best friend

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey for himself and one for his best friend

The bartender, seeing only 1 guy, asks, "Do you want me to wait until he gets here?"

The guy says, "Oh, he's right here." Then reaches into his pocket and pulls a 6 inch (150mm) guy out and sets...

A man hasn’t been to church for a long while and decides he’d better go to confession before starting to go again. When he enters the confessional box he’s amazed to find that it’s got a bar lined with finest whiskeys and a huge array of the finest cigars.

As he’s looking at this in wonder, the priest comes in.

The man says, “Father, forgive me, it’s a long time since my last confession. I must say though, that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.

The priest says, “Get out,you idiot. You’re on my side.”

I left a bottle a whiskey outside last night and it got rained on.

It's not ruined but my spirits are dampened.

A cowboy walks into a bar. “What can I get for you?” the bartender asks. “A double whiskey, neat,” he replies.

As the bartender pours, she asks, “How’s it going today?”

“I have a problem with my horses,” the cowboy admits. “I want to train one of them to be a racehorse and the other to be a workhorse, but they look so similar I can’t tell them apart!”



The bartender thinks it over for a ...

A scottishman, an englishman and an irishman

Were walking down the street when they met a genie. They rubbed his lamp and out he popped and offered them each a go down his magical slide. The genie explained that as they were sliding down, anythinf the shouted they would land in a pool of at the bottom.

So after a bit of thinking the Sco...

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A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is dri...

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A man walks into a pub in outback Australia and orders a drink

The barman asks him if he wants to have a go at the challenge. The man says what do I have to do. The barman says there’s three parts to the challenge.

Part 1: you have to drink this entire bottle of 200yr old whiskey and keep standing.

Part 2: there is a 20ft crocodile out the back wi...

Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks "Is this whiskey" ?

The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"

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One day, a boy comes home from school and sees his dad on the porch drinking a whiskey.

The boy says: hey dad can I try some of that?
Dad replies: can your dick touch your asshole?
Boy says: no
Dad says: well then, you can’t have any

Next day, the boy comes home and sees his dad smoking a cigar on the porch.

The boy says: hey dad can I try some of that?
Da...

A guy and his dog walk into a bar

"Nice dog. What's his name?" the bartender asks. "Whiskey," the guy says. "He's a licker."

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of
by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I
d...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up. “I have an idea!” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey and a bible on the coffee table...

“If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino and if he takes the bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

So the man and his wife hide just before their son comes in the door, and watch from where they’re hiding.

The boy saunters over to the coffe...

I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

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Seamus is at the pub with a row of whiskey shots lined up in front of him, looking depressed as ever.

A newcomer to the small town, looking to make friends, sits down next to Seamus and asks him what's wrong.
 
Without looking at the newcomer, Seamus downs a shot and in his thick Irish brogue says "I've lived in this town me whole life. You see the sidewalk out front? I laid every brick with m...

Alcoholic

An alcoholic goes to the the store to buy some whiskey. He tucks the bottle under his jacket and stumbles out the door. As he is stumbling thru the streets he gets hit by a car. He falls to the ground and feels something wet on his side. He puts his hand inside his jacket to see what it is. He pulls...

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An Army major is assigned to a troubled base

After numerous reports of lax discipline and unruly behavior at a particular Army post, a major is assigned to take charge and straighten the place out.

He arrives and indeed, the place is a mess - nobody's shaved, beer bottles everywhere, grubby uniforms, unpolished boots. Outraged, the majo...

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Letter from a Polish mother to her son

Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know that I am still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know that you cannot read fast. You won't know the house when you come home . . we've moved.

About your father . . . he has a lovely new job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutti...

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in whiskey curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."

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[NSFW] I like my whiskey just like my women...

18 years old and locked in the basement.

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An Alcoholics Anonymous meeting takes place. The presenter completes a demonstration.

He brings out two glasses, a bottle of whiskey, a bottle of water and an earthworm. He pours one glass with water and the other with whiskey. He then drops the worm into the bottle of water, where it wriggles around for a little while, but is ok.

He then picks it up and drops it into the whi...

A moth walks into a bar, the bartender says cheerfully“Hey moth, how about a whiskey?”

The moth says no.
How about a beer? The bartender asks happily.
No, the moth says.
Ok, the bartender says, testily, how about wine?
No.
Shots?
No.
Fuzzy navel?
... no
Well what the hell do you want to drink? The bartender says angrily.
Nothing, says the moth.
Well if...

A naked lady walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey

He slowly pours her a drink while he stares her up and down, from head to toe. The lady then asks for another shot of whiskey. The bartender continues to look at her intently. Annoyed, the lady says to him, what’s the matter haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before? The bartender responds, of cour...

An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...

It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air a...

My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

An old Irishman walks into a bar, hauls his bad leg over the stool, and asks for a whiskey...

"Hey," he says, looking down the bar, "is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Irishman orders Jesus one too.

An ailing Italian with a humpback walks in, shuffles up to the bar, and asks for a glass of Chianti. Noticing Jesus, the Italian orders Him a glass of Chianti too.
...

Whiskey Business

Two Chinese Guys Break Into a Distillery

After breaking open the first cask, one guy looks at his friend and asks: "Is this whiskey?"

His friend replies: "Yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank."

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2 Nuns and a Bottle of Whiskey

A bartender is waiting for closing time at his pub so he can lock up, and go home. It's a slow night and he has no customers.

He hears a light knock at the back door, opens it, and there are 2 nuns there. One says, "Mr Bartender, can we impose upon you for a wee favor?"

"Certainly,...

I always wondered why there were two different ways to spell Whiskey / Whisky.

Having been to Dublin, I now realise it's because the Irish like to drop an E in their drinks.

Innocent

Drunken Billy was arrested for selling home-stilled whiskey. His lawyer put him on the stand and asked the jurors to look carefully at his client. Now, Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, concluded the lawyer, you've looked carefully at the defendant. Can you sit there in the jury and honestly believ...

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Grandmas cookies

Granddad and grandson are sitting on the front porch, when granddad lights up a cigar, the grandson asks if he can have one as well and the granddad says ‘can your dick touch your ass?’ The grandson says ‘no’ so granddad replies ‘there’s your answer’ granddad then has a sip of whiskey and grandson a...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

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My go-to joke: the monkey who dunks his balls in the whiskey

This joke has probably been posted in here before, but what the hell, it’s my favorite.

So this guy walks into a bar. He asks the bartender for a glass of whiskey, double shot, no ice.
“There you go, sir”, says the bartender, and hands the man his whiskey.
Suddenly, a monkey appear...

A Teacher asked her young students to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular type of stuff.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left. "Janie, do you have a story to share ?'
''Yes madam......My daddy told me a story about my Mom "
"OK, let's hear" said the teacher.

"My Mom was a Marine pilot in Operation Desert Storm in Iraq and her plane got hit".
"She had t...

Little Timmy learns something

One day little timmys dad asks him what he learnt in school that day. Little Timmy says: "Well, my teacher was mad as hell at me today." His dad asks:"Why was that?" "Well," says Little Timmy "she showed us two glasses filled with water and whiskey and then she put two worms in them. The worm in the...

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Dave walks into a bar and asks for 15 shots of whiskey.

The bartender is shocked. "Whoa, I gotta ask, are you celebrating something?"

Dave smiles and says "Yep! My first ever blowjob!"

"Oh, that's worth celebrating!" the bartender says, amused. "But damn 15 shots is a lot" he comments.

"Well" Dave says. "If that doesn't get the taste...

A gohst enters a bar and order a whiskey

A ghost enters a bar and order a whiskey.

But the barman refuses to pour him the drink: "Sorry, we don't serve spirits"

A Vicar was preaching on the Demon Drink, saying whiskey can kill but water can’t.

To prove it he had a glass of each. He dropped a worm into the water and it wiggled about. He dropped a worm into the whiskey.

Stone dead.

A person at the back jumped up shouting, "I’ll have the whiskey Vicar! I’ve been having trouble with worms all my life”

A man is standing on the bow of the Titanic as it is sinking, holding a glass of whiskey.

He says: "I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous"

She was only a whiskey-maker's daughter

but he loved her still.

a german bar opened in our neighborhood

i'm a curious guy so i get in

i ask the bartender: "can i get a glass of punch?"

he says: "sir, we are german, we are efficient and practical, there's a line for each beverage"

i look over and what do you know, i see a queue for each drink!

there's a long line just for wh...

My wife says I get mean when I drink whiskey. Now I drink Canadian whiskey.

I am still mean but I am apologetic aboot it. #sorry

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

What does my whiskey and my marriage have in common?

Both are on the rocks, because I have a drinking problem

Four worms were placed in four separate test tubes: 1st in beer 2nd in wine 3rd in whiskey 4th in mineral water The next day, the teacher shows the results: The 1st worm in beer, dead. The 2nd in wine, dead. The 3rd in whiskey, dead. The 4th in mineral water, alive and healthy.

The teacher asks the class:
- What do we learn from this experience?

And a child responds:
- Whoever drinks beer, wine and whiskey
does not have worms.

My Irish grandfather once fell down two flights of stairs with a pint of whiskey and didn't spill a drop.

The man knew how to keep his mouth shut.

Guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey-coke.

Bartender asks if Pepsi is okay and guy says that's fine.

Bartender turns around to make the drink and when finished presents the drink and says "here's your pepsi-coke."

A guy walks up to the liquor store counter and tries to buy a bottle of whiskey with a fake $20 bill.

The elderly woman clerk quickly realized it was fake and became enraged!! She started screaming!! She grabbed his hair and slammed his head on the counter over and over and until he was out cold.

She was so upset that she had a counter fit.

Stranded

One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft..
Suddenly there emerged...

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A Gentleman Is Walking Down The Street With A Duck

On the way he runs into a friend of his. The friend inquires about why he's holding the duck. To which the man replies:

"I know I have to get rid of it, but I love this duck. I'd have to trade it to someone who wants it and I just can't see myself letting it go for nothing. This is absolutely...

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A man sitting at a bar orders a bottle of whiskey

He then starts taking long sips from the bottle until it's empty. An hour later he decides he's too drunk and he needs to go back home to his wife. He makes an attempt to stand up but fails miserably, throwing himself on the floor.

The bartender helps him back on his chair and tells him to wa...

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A nude man walks in to a bar. He ordered a shot of the whiskey. The bartender refused to serve his liquor. The nude man was surprised and asked him, is it because I am nude? The bartender replied,

You don't have money on you.

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of whiskey.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender: “Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?”

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says: “Before you tell that joke, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should...

Bobby Kotick walks into a bar

and orders an 18 year old whiskey.

The bartender pours him a 1 year old whiskey.

Kotick says, "But I ordered 18 year old whiskey!"

The bartender says, "To get 18 year old whiskey, you have to pay the farming fee, the harvesting fee and the aging fee. You also have to purchase a...

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A pony walks into a bar.

"What'll it be?" asks the bartender.

"I'll have one whiskey, please." the pony whispered softly.

The bartender says, "Sure, but why are you speaking so quietly?"


"I'm a little hoarse."

Robert E. Lee once said: "I like whiskey. I always did. And that is why I never drink it."

That's just generally speaking.

Test

Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints....

Why did god invent whiskey?

So the Irish wouldn't rule the world

Man walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.

Man walks into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He solemnly drinks each one. The bartender asks why he needs the three separate shots, and why all at once.

"Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me. Seein' as how...

If you add whiskey to a drink and raise the price...

The drink got Jacked

An old drunk is on his way into a bar when a nun standing outside the bar suddenly speaks to him

“Your drinking is the easy road to evil and damnation. Drink will pollute your body and soul. Give up the foul spirits and live a better life!”.

The drunk looks at her and asks “How do you know that drinking is so bad for you?”.

The nun looks puzzled and shrugs. The drunk says “Have yo...

Bought some super tight pink thongs and put them into my neighbour’s laundry beg…

Now I’m heading for my porch, gonna pour myself a glass of whiskey, light up a cigar and wait for the drama to start…

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A man was worried about what his son would be after highschool...

So he set out a Bible, a bottle of whiskey, a dollar, and a Playboy magazine on the table for his son to find when he gets home.

His wife asked him what he was doing.

He said, "It's simple: if he picks up the Bible, he'll be a priest. If he picks up the bottle of whiskey, he'll be a dr...

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A guy walks into a bar. And he's mad as hell.

He walks over to the bartender and says, "Bob!! Whiskey!! And leave the bottle!!"

Bob takes out a bottle, pours a shot, slides it over and says, "Hey there Johnny...you seem a little tense. What's the problem?"

Johnny grabs the shot and slams it down. Then pouring himself another sa...

A man walks into a bar when a nun sees him

"you are just a sad man, the Lord probably doesn't love you because you are a drunk" said the nun

"One beer, I was just going in for ONE beer, also what do you know, maybe drinking is not that bad after all" replied the man

"getting drunk is a sin, drinking little alcohol always lead...

A man, at a routine checkup, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Doctor: I'm sorry. At this stage, the cancer has spread too far for us to stop. Our treatments will only postpone the inevitable.

Patient: Doc, please! Isn't there anything- anything at all- that you can do?

Doctor: Well... there is one thing. I don't know if it'll help, though.
...

Kevin Spacey likes his guys like he likes his whiskey...

12 years old and in a barrel, OR 18 years old and full of coke.

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A man walks into a bar.

He sits at the counter and orders a whiskey, neat. As soon as the barman pours his drink, a monkey appears out of nowhere, climbs on the counter and dips his balls into the glass of whiskey.
The man sits there, bewildered, as the monkey storms out of the bar. A few seconds later, he asks the barm...

A cowboy strolls into town on his horse fireball and goes straight to the saloon. He drinks straight whiskey for a few hours, never moving except to take another drink. When he's done he gets up and walks out of the saloon.

He immediately runs back in and yells, "Alright! Who took fireball?" But nobody makes a noise.


He continues, "Okay, I'm gonna give y'all to the count of three then we're gonna have a repeat of what happened back in '71."


"ONE!" He pauses and nobody moves a muscle.

...

What's the difference between Jeffrey Epstein and a Whiskey Connoisseur?

Only one thinks it gets better with age.

Paddy rode his bike to the bottle shop to get some whiskey

After choosing a bottle he walked out to his bike.

He was just about to put the bottle in the basket on his bike for the ride home but then he thought if I falls off it might break.

So he drank it first............. which turned out to be a very good decision because he fell off 7 tim...

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A guy and his dog walk into a bar, they order two whiskey, cheer and both drink it.

The waitress looks stunned and asks if there are other tricks his dog can do. The man answers ''Yes, he's very good at oral sex. The woman blushes and asks ''Really, can I try it?'' The man answers ''Sure'' and sends the dog and woman in a private room, the woman lies there naked and the dog looks a...

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