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A man walks into a bar and orders a Whiskey...

The bartender serves the whiskey and all of a sudden a monkey appears running all across the bar jumps and lands with his testicles in the whiskey and smiles to the man.

The man, confused, asks to the bartender...

-What the hell is this?

-Oh, ask the piano player, it is his monk...

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A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools. The bartender looks at him and asks him what he'd like to drink. The man orders four shots of whiskey for himself.

The bartender looks at the man and says, "Four shots for yourself? What's the special occasion?", to which the man replies, "First blowjob." The bartender puts on a congratulatory smile and pats the man on the shoulder and says he'll give him a fifth shot on the house. To which the man says, "No tha...

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There was this man who walked into a bar..

And says to the bartender : " 10 shots of whiskey ! "

The bartender asks : " What's the matter ? "

The man says : " Well today , i found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend ."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey.

And again the b...

I like my women like I like my whiskey.

12 years old and mixed up with coke.

Disclaimer: This is just a joke. I do not condone the practice of mixing whiskey with coke.

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A homophobic guy walks into a bar and immediately orders 3 double shots of whiskey.

Bartender: "Wow, that's a hefty order."
Guy: "Yeah, I just got terrible news that my brother has turned gay..."
Bartender gives the guy his 3 shots and leaves him alone.

-Next day-
The same guy enters the bar and again, orders the same drinks.
Bartender: "Still not over ...

I was browsing in a liquor store when an employee asked me “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m here to get whiskey instead.”

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The teacher gave

her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher re...

Guy walks into a bar and orders a whiskey-coke.

Bartender asks if Pepsi is okay and guy says that's fine.

Bartender turns around to make the drink and when finished presents the drink and says "here's your pepsi-coke."

A guy walks into a bar and orders 3 whiskeys in 3 seperate glasses.

So the bartender pours the drinks and the man drinks all 3, pays, and leaves. The next day, the man comes in, orders the same thing, drinks, pays leaves. This goes on for a week when finally the bartender says "you know, I can put all of those into 1 big glass for you if you'd like". The man replies...

A Baptist preacher sits next to a cowboy on a flight. After the plane takes off, the cowboy asks for a whiskey and soda, which is promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asks the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replies, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of
by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then hands his drink back to the attendant and says, "Me too, I
d...

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A Scotsman went skiing in Canada for the first time.

At the end of a great day on the slopes, he retired to the local tavern. After getting six whiskeys in him he stood up and turned around to discover a large, stuffed animal head with giant antlers hanging from the wall.

"Barkeep," he said, "what the hell is that?"

The bartender said, "...

People keep telling me I need to drink “Less” whiskey

I can’t find that brand anywhere.

If you add coke to your whiskey, you're a novice drinker.

If you add whiskey to your coke, you're ruining good drugs.

I like shooting guns and drinking whiskey.

But I'm all out of shots.

What does Batman put in his whiskey?

Just ice.

(Forgive me if this is unoriginal, but i thought i made it up just this moment).

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If alcoholics get whiskey dick, what do heroin users get?

Poppycock.

Worried about his Supreme Court confirmation, Brett Kavanaugh decided to unwind by ordering a 16 year old whiskey.

She refused to drink it.

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey and … cola

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.

The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure; I was born with them.”

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A hunchback man walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

Bartender says "bells alright?"

The man replies "don't you fucking start"

Why does Conor mcgregor drink Jameson whiskey?

Because he can’t handle a White Russian

A local anti-alcohol protester walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey and a glass of water

. The bartender, surprised to see the protester in the bar at all, much less ordering alcohol, asks him what he's doing. "Just watch," the protester replies. He drops a worm in the shot of whiskey, and another worm in the water. Within minutes the worm in the whiskey dies. "Now, what does that tell ...

What's the best thing about buying a barrel of Conor Mcgregor's whiskey?

It's easy to tap!

I'm on a whiskey diet.

I've lost three days already.

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A Texan is getting drunk in a bar in Alaska, and he starts to brag about how great Texas is.

An Alaskan hunter comes up to him and says, "Listen, buddy. Here in Alaska,
you ain't shit until you've done three things: Drink a fifth of Alaskan
whiskey, shoot a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman."

The Texan accepts the challenge and starts by grabbing a bottle of whisky f...

I really want to try Conor McGregor’s whiskey since he keeps promoting it.

But I’m just not sure about stuff that comes out of tap.

My bartender asked me if I wanted my whiskey without ice.

I said "Sure. That'd be neat."

She was only a whiskey-maker's daughter

but he loved her still.

to help cope with his loss Roy Moore ordered a 12 year old whiskey

she didn't like it

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This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada and after a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall...

He asks the barman, "What the fuck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a moose."

The Scottish chap says, "Fuck me! How big are the cats?"

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A man walks into a bar. He orders 4 shots of whiskey from the bar. He drinks them. The bartender pours another 4, which he drinks. The bartender- "You seem to be in a really good mood!" The customer- "I'm pretty excited abut my first blowjob!" The bartender says "Congrats, have another shot on me!"

The customer replies "No thanks, if 8 shots of whiskey won't get rid of the taste, I don't think 9 will either!"

A man walks into a bar and orders 4 shots of whiskey. The bartender lines them up and the man knocks them back one after the other. Then the man orders 4 more, again the bartender lines them up and the man knocks them back. The bartender says, "Gee, buddy I've never seen anybody drink like that."

The man replies, "Youd drink like that too if you had what I have." "Oh my god" buddy! What do you have?" The man winks and says... "fifty cents."

I’m on a whiskey diet

So far I’ve lost two weeks

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

India Foxtrot Yankee Oscar Uniform Charlie Alpha

November Romeo Echo Alpha Delta Tango Hotel

India Sierra India Mike November Echo Victor Echo

Romeo Golf Oscar November November Alpha

Golf India Victor Echo Yankee Oscar Uniform

Uniform Papa November Echo Victor Ech...

Whiskey business

Two Chinese crooks break into a distillery.

One crook says to the other, "Is this whiskey?"

The other one replies, "Yes, but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!"

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I like my women like I like my whiskey...

WITHOUT BRIAN'S FUCKING DICK IN IT, JENNY.

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A boy sees his grandpa sipping whiskey on the porch and asks, “can have some?”

The grandpa says, “does your dick touch your asshole?” The boy says, “no”. Grandpa says, “then no, you can’t have any.” Later that day the boy sees his grandpa smoking a cigar. He asks, “hey can I try your cigar?” Grandpa again asks, “does your dick touch your asshole?” The boy says “no” and his gra...

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I like my girls the way I like my Whiskey.

Eighteen years old, moist and preferably in a basement.

A man walks into a bar. "Quick, bartender, give me a shot of whiskey before it starts."

The bartender pours a shot of whiskey and gives it to the man. The man swallows it in a single gulp, and says "quick, give me another before it starts". The bartender pours another shot, quite perplexed. After the man finished the second drink, he again asked for another. The bartender looks at him ...

How does the cannibal like his whiskey?

With a taste of Pete

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A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey in celebration of his first blowjob

As the bartender discovers the man is celebrating his first blowjob the bartender offers the man another 5 free shots of whiskey for his accomplishment, the man turns around denies the offer and says 'nah thats fine, i only need one to take away the taste'

Man walks into a bar and asks the bartender to pour him ten shots of whiskey. Bartender says, "Wow, are you sure?" Man replies, "If you had what I have, you'd want ten shots, too." He pours the man his shots and the man takes each one. Bartender says, "Okay, you gotta tell me what it is you've got."

The man replies, "Seventy-five cents."

Fishing For Whiskey

“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”

The old man re...

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A cowboy is sitting in a bar having a whiskey

Before too long, a young, attractive blonde in a short skirt walks in and takes a seat up next to him at the bar. He offers to buy her a drink, so she asks for a martini.


They talk for a short while and hit it off fairly well. As the blonde finishes her martini and goes to eat the ol...

My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

"Are we expecting guests?" I asked.

"No," she replied.

"Then why did you buy so much bread?"

A man is walking past a bar when he sees a sign for a challenge to win a free car

He goes inside the bar and asks the bartender what the challenge is to win the free car.

The bartender lays out the challenge. "First, you have to drink an entire bottle of whiskey without making a single face. Second, there is an alligator in the back room with a sore tooth, remove it. Thir...

A man and his wife are discussing what they think their son will be when he grows up.

“I have an idea,” says the father. He puts a ten-dollar bill, a bottle of whiskey, and a Bible on the coffee table. “If he takes the money, he’ll be a banker. If he takes the whiskey, he’ll be a wino, and if he takes the Bible, that means he’ll be a preacher.”

​

So the man a...

A man is standing on the bow of the Titanic as it is sinking, holding a glass of whiskey.

He says: "I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous"

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Women age like whiskey

The packaging gets a little fucked up but the shit inside stays pretty much the same

The time of year has finally arrived when the degrees outside are like shots of whiskey. . .

. . .I need about thirty more to be comfortable.

I purchased a bottle of whiskey and then got worried that should I fall off my bicycle, the bottle would break.

Instead, I decided to drink it now. Definitely a good decision, I fell off seventeen times on my way back home.

Man walks into a bar and orders three shots of whiskey.

Man walks into a bar and orders three separate shots of whiskey. He solemnly drinks each one. The bartender asks why he needs the three separate shots, and why all at once.

"Well, this one's for me brother in Dublin. This one's for me brother in New York. And this one's for me. Seein' as how...

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A man walks into a bar and orders nine shots of whiskey.

'Something to celebrate?' The bartender asks. 'Well,' the man answers, 'I just had my first blowjob today.' 'Congratulations! Here, the tenth shot is on me.' 'No that's okay. If nine won't get that fucking taste out of my mouth I don't know what will.'

I enjoy expensive whiskey the same way I enjoy beautiful women

By watching someone else and living vicariously through their experience in my imagination, even though I know I'll never have either and am likely to die alone and well hydrated, instead of in bed with a gorgeous woman and a hangover.

Just Kidding. The real answer is "With my face hole"

An Irishman is drinking whiskey at a bar...

It's closing time, and he's pretty drunk. He gets up to leave and...boom! Falls over and smacks into the floor. He tries to get up again, but only succeeds in losing his balance and falling back down. He thinks to himself "wow I'm more drunk than I thought, maybe if I could just get some fresh air a...

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A man sits down at the bar and orders 5 shots of whiskey.

Bartender pours them, and watches as the man downs them in rapid succession.

"Rough night?" The bartender asks.

"My first blowjob" the man replies.

The bartender, excited for the gentleman, exclaims "Hell that's something to celebrate, have another shot on me!"

As he p...

What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?

A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous...

A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

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Fishing With Whiskey

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms. Then I saw a snake with a frog in its mouth. I knew that getting that frog would be a good idea but the snake was a cottonmouth.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed him right behind the ...

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A young man walks into a bar and orders four shots of whiskey...

...after checking his ID, the bartender starts pouring out the shots and asks, "you got some friends coming in behind you?" "Nope", the young man replies. "You celebrating something then?" "Yeah, something like that." The bartender, getting a little annoyed at the young man's coyness, responds, "Wel...

I had this problem where the cap wouldn't stay on my whiskey bottle.

So I fixed it with scotch tape.

There are three ways to drink whiskey

Three ways;

* With water
* Without water
* As water

An Irishman goes into a bar in America and orders three whiskeys.

The barman asks: "Would it be better for if I put all three shots in one glass?"

The Irishman replies: "No! I have two other brothers back at home, so every time I come into a pub, I order a shot for them both."

The following week, the Irishman orders just two whiskeys.

The barm...

The doctor said I need to start drinking more whiskey....

Also I am calling myself "the doctor" now.

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

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There was an old man on his front porch drinking a glass of whiskey.

The man's grandson opened the front door and said "hey grandpa! Can I have some?". "Can your dick touch your asshole?" Asked the man. "No" said the boy. The old man said "well that means you can't have any."

The next day, the man was out on his front porch again smoking a Cuban cigar. Out com...

A husband was sipping his whiskey...

while sitting in the balcony with his wife and he says,

"I love you so much, I don't know how I could ever live without you."

Wife asks, "Is that you, or the whisky talking?"

Husband replies, "It's me..... talking to the whisky...

A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

"Because alcoholism has destroyed my life and my family. Let me get your rail whiskey."

Patty and Mike immigrate to the United States with a bottle of whiskey.

Two Irishmen, Paddy and Mike, immigrated to the United States with only the clothes on their backs and a 12 year old bottle of fine Irish Whiskey. They agreed to never touch the bottle until both had found their fortune, and they would share that bottle to celebrate. They both went on to amass for...

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A cowboy enters the bar and orders a small whiskey.

"One dollar," says the barman and pours the drink out.

Cowboy drinks it and orders a double whiskey.

"One dollar," says the barman and pours the drink out.

The cowboy is speechless, if one dollar, then be it so.

In some time, he orders again: "Let's stop the dripping, giv...

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What is the female equivalent to whiskey dick?

Wine box.

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This Scottish farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and order...

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A middle-aged man enters a bar, and orders a straight double whiskey.

The bartender asks:

"What's the occasion ?"

"I just had my first ever oral sex..." goes the guy.

"Well, this calls for a celebration", says the bartender, and takes out a full bottle, "this is on me".

"Thanks", answers the man, "if this doesn't clear up the taste, not...