UPJOKE
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My girlfriend cuddled up to me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies.".

So, I spanked her and came in her hair.

I think we watch different movies.

Which US president featured in sci-fi movies?

Ronald Ray Gun.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

I like to hold hands at the movies…

which always seems to startle strangers.

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Did you hear about the porn star who did bondage movies?

She was strapped for cash.

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I know a guy who acts in pornography movies all day long.

You could say he’s what you call a “Working Stiff.”

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

A girl is fed up with her boyfriend's unhealthy obsession with detective movies, and wants to break up with him.

"This is too much. We really should split up."

"Good idea, we can cover more ground that way."

Why does Quentin Tarantino refuse to make movies with digital cinematography?

Because he's the reel deal.

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

The truth is that Amber Heard won't ever work in movies again.

Her lawyer,"For a difference of $150,000,000, act like the victim ".

My collection of board game inspired movies was robbed, but I dont know what was stolen

I have no clue

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What did the penis say to the condom?

“Cover me, I’m going in!”

 

________
*^(Condom: “You need to lay off those action movies, Richard!”)*

Did you know that in the James Bond movies, all the action/risky scenes were performed by agent 0014?

of course, he was, after all, his double. I’ll see myself out.

Guy and a Girl on a first date.

Guy: "So, what kind of movies do you like?"

Girl: "I like movies where I need a tissue."

Guy: "Oh my god! Me too!"

Does anyone know what the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people

A man buys a robot that slaps people when they tell a lie.

He decides to test it on his family at dinner that night.

The man asked his son, "Son, what did you do after school today?"

The son replied, "Oh, I just did some homework" and the robot slapped the son.

The son said, "Okay I actually watched a movie with my friends".

The ...

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What do fairy tales, Disney movies and porn have in common?

Unrealistic stepmother depictions

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What do you call those black and white movies where nobody speaks?

Interracial porn

Did you know that Vin Diesel only eats two meals a day to keep in shape for making movies?

Breakfast and breakfurious

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A man wakes up in the hospital. An attractive nurse says “you were in a bad accident and you can’t feel anything from the waist down”…

So the man replies, “well then can I feel your tits?”


-Gilbert Gottfried original told on the Doug Loves Movies podcast. RIP Gilbert.

A Dark One

So this guy volunteers at a childrens cancer ward, he made friends with a boy named Timmy, they talked about star wars, watched marvel movies, played checkers, traded baseball cards. One day, little Timmy asks the guy "Hey mister, when I get out of this place, will you still come visit me?", the guy...

Hollywood Movies are Fake

Not once did a cop take me downtown.

What is the truck drivers favorite part of the movies?

The trailers

I once had a girlfriend who was obsessed with Sylvester Stallone movies, but at the time all I wanted to watch was Arnold Schwarzenegger. We'd argue frequently, but in the end she'd always win out.

Needless to say... It was a Rocky relationship.

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

A young blonde woman wants to go to the movies with one of her friends, but none of them are available, so she decides to go by herself.

"Please be careful," says her brunette roommate. "I went to the movies once by myself, and I had to change my seat thrice because I kept finding myself sitting next to a man who tried to make out with me."

"Don't worry!" replies the blonde. "I'll be careful!"

When the blonde comes back...

Giraffe at movies

I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the movies and other places. You’d always get some person complaining that they couldn’t see the screen.
It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect?

“Well he can take his hat off for a start”

Why Russian movies and series are mostly WWII themed?

They don't have to spend a single kopeika on props and decorations

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My wife hates it when I quote old movies incorrectly

But frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit!

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

Watching action movies on shady sites is great.

You get to experience the movie for free that you would usually have to pay for.

The intense hacking scene in which the database needs to be defended from overseas hackers displaying threat messages.

As well as experiencing the supermodel love interest confess her love.

Then ...

A teenage boy takes a quadriplegic girl on a date to dinner and the movies. At the end of the night out, he drives her back home and they start making out in his car.

He tells the girl he feels uncomfortable doing this where her parents could come outside and catch them in the act. She says not to worry because she has a place they can go.

So he helps her in her chair and she tells him to wheel her into the backyard. When they get in the back, she shows hi...

Where do mermaids go to watch movies?

The dive in.

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A guy went on a date with a beautiful girl

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies.When they got there, he asked her...

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