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Movies Jokes

Who isn't allowed to watch PG movies?

Orphans.

Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.

What do the movies Titanic and The Sixth Sense have in common?

Icy dead people.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

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A Roman centurion goes to the movie theater. When the movie's over, he asks for a refund.

"No one told me that my movie was going to be a pornographic one," the centurion tells the ticket-taker.

The ticket-taker says, "Sir, look at the marquee. It says right here what kind of movies we play here."

Looking back up at the marquee, the centurion responds "You lie! There are ...

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Make love to me like in the movies

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other day when she looked at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies."

So I fucked her in the ass, pulled out, and came all over her face and hair.

I guess we don't watch the same movies.

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

Girl asked me to netflix and chill, but I download all my movies illegally....

So I was like na, more like pirate and booty.

I don't understand why people spoil movies...

What's their endgame?

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Good thing Stephen King does not make porn movies

We will never see IT coming

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but...

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

My wife said she would leave me if I don't stop comparing everything to Bruce Willis movies, but you know what they say about old habits...

They Pulp Fiction.

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What do you call those black and white movies where nobody speaks?

Interracial porn

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NSFW: My wife said she wanted to have sex like they do in the movies...

So I pushed her against the wall, grabbed her hair from behind and drilled her up the shitter. Turns out we watch different movies.

What do you call a series of Saw movies?

Chainsaw

I prefer to watch movies in the cinema

Without movies it's just a boring room full of people I don't know.

What do you call a rapper that makes superhero movies?

MC U

Pancakes asks Sausage to go to the movies

Sausage asks: Hey, should we invite Bacon?

Pancakes says: Of course! I love Bacon.

Sausage asks: What about Eggs?

Pancakes shakes his head and says: Nah man, Eggs Benedict lately.

Netflix has devised the perfect way to stop the distribution of pirated movies

They now block all movies with an IMDB rating of 3.14 ;)

Pi-rated .. sorry ;)

The one thing I hate about superhero movies is how unrealistic they are,

Like what are the chances that a billionaire would do anything to help ordinary people?

What resolution do Mexican movie theaters show movies in?

Por que.

I was totally shocked that my Border Collie loved the Harry Potter movies

I mean, he completely hated the books

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Porn movies are positive movies:

No murder,
No war,
No fight,
No conspiracy,
No cheating,
No racism,
No religious fanatics,
No language problem,
No crying or teasing,
Good cooperation,
Good coordination,
Natural acting,
Everybody enjoys the climax,
Lots of love,
...

What has 27 actors, three settings, two writers, and one plot?

671 Hallmark movies.

Movie

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie.

After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, “The last time I came to the mov...

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At the movies

2 old women, Martha and Ethel, go to the theater. After watching the movie for a while, Martha nudges Ethel and whispers," Ethel, the man next to me is masturbating". Ethel whispers back,"Just ignore him Martha".

Martha replies," I can't ignore him. He's using my hand".

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My wife hates it when I quote old movies incorrectly

But frankly, my dear, I don't give a shit!

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

Pixar movies over the years

What if toys had feelings?

What if bugs had feelings?

What if monsters had feelings?

What if fish had feelings?

What if superheroes had feelings?

What if cars had feelings?

What if rats had feelings?

What if robots hadd feelings?

What if boy s...

Hollywood Movies are Fake

Not once did a cop take me downtown.

I got 50 dollars from my mom...

She told me to take my brother to the movies, but not to bring him home before 6, so they had time to prepare his surprise birthday party.

That's the day I realized he was the favorite twin.

Why did 18 blondes goto the movies.

Because it said “under 17 not admitted”

A wife comes to her husband and says:

\- Darling, let's make love like in the movies.

\- Of course love! - the husband says eagerly and begins.

Once he finishes, she looks at him and says:

\- Yes, darling, looks like you and I (*wipes her face*) are watching very different movies.

I like to hold hands at the movies…

which always seems to startle strangers.

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Why don't porn movies win Oscars?

Because the plots are full of holes.

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My girlfriend keeps watching Chris Pratt movies then taking long showers.

I don’t know what she’s doing in there, but it gives me lots of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt

Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

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What do fairy tales, Disney movies and porn have in common?

Unrealistic stepmother depictions

Made love to the wife last night, just like they do in the movies.

I was fast, she was furious.

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I like to watch horror, movies when I’m in the bathroom

It scares the shit out of me

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I know a guy who acts in pornography movies all day long.

You could say he’s what you call a “Working Stiff.”

Where do mermaids go to watch movies?

The dive in.

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

Guy and a Girl on a first date.

Guy: "So, what kind of movies do you like?"

Girl: "I like movies where I need a tissue."

Guy: "Oh my god! Me too!"

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Why did the ladder suddenly become popular in porn movies?

Because it was a step ladder

What is a pirate's LEAST favorite letter?

Dear Sir or Madam,

Your IP address has been flagged for illegally downloading movies. We will have to suspend your account, pending further investigation.



Sincerely,



The Internet Provider

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The problem with sex in the movies is,

that the popcorn usually spills.

What is the truck drivers favorite part of the movies?

The trailers

I don’t like 2D movies

They always seem to lack depth

I tried watching LGBT movies to celebrate Pride month

but I need to pay extra for LGBT Plus

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