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Pictures Jokes

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150.

He’s ….a pickup artist.

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Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising

It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself

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Con-fucking-gratulations to me! I'm a screenwriter and I just signed a deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

Looks like I'll be going with the basic cable plus HBO Max.

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

My friend is making a lot of easy money by selling pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

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Did you hear about the rooster that draws pictures of poop?

The cock will doodle doo.

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When you get captured by cannibals, they show you pornographic pictures...

So there's more meat

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I was showing people pictures of me at my parents wedding

And everyone called me a bastard. Did I do something to piss them off?

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

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I once dreamt that I was masturbating to pictures of my karate teachers.

Then I came to my senseis.

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Where are pictures of boobs stored in computers?

Random access mammary!

I finally figured out why I look so bad in pictures.

It's my face.

Boba Fett is my hero. I've got pictures of him in every room.

I think I've got a fettish.

What do you call a woman who takes pictures of celebrities?

A mamarazzi.

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

I hate people that overlay pictures on other pictures

They're super imposing

A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him.

To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went...

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I had a professional photographer take pictures of me wiping my butt.

I always wanted to be a roll model.

After unsuccessfully trying to post here, I finally gave up and messaged the mods asking what the deal was. They sent me back pictures of flutes, trombones, trumpets, tubas and cymbals. Confused, I asked what that meant. They answered...

Your band!

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

My family says I look like a hobbit in all my pictures.

What can I say? I'm very frodogenic.

I always carry pictures of my wife and kids in my wallet

It reminds me why no money is in there

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

Tom Hanks took a bunch of pictures of trees and submitted them for picture of the year.

One forest won.

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I have pictures of girls showing their tits.

I keep them on my flash drive.

Two ISIS guys are showing each other pictures of their children.

One says, "Ah, Fizal, they blow up so fast."

When I was a kid my dad sat me down and showed me pictures of why I should always wear a condom

Funny thing is, they were all just pictures of me.

[At the museum] Her: Do you think we are allowed to take pictures?

Me: No, I think they need to stay on the wall.

When you see pictures of the Holocaust it’s really sad

But it’s even more depressing when you realize the camera adds 10 pounds

I tried looking up pictures of Freud's mother to see what his deal was,

Apparently, there aren't any good surviving pictures,

they all look kinda bleached & whitened from over-cleaning.

Why do rats suck at taking pictures?

Because whenever they say "Cheese!" they all scatter to find it.

" 'Pictures at an Exhibition' was nothing special, I don't see why people make me out to be some kind of genius for writing it"

\-- Modest Mussorgsky

If you find it hard to take pictures of yourself in the sauna...

You have selfie-steam issues.

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Why have they started putting pictures of politicians inside toilet bowls?

So the assholes can see who they voted for.

I wrote a computer program to draw pictures of flowers

But now it's just drawing the same flower over and over and over and over...

It must be a lupin.

My girlfriend asked me why I don't "Like" any of her Facebook pictures.

"Because my wife would kill me," I replied.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client and said to him, “Saul, I have some good news and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The attorney said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul repli...

My uncle took 4 pictures to to the hobby store to get frames made for them, but got mad when they took an hour to get them finished.

"Everybody gets 15 minutes a frame," the employee retorted.

My friend is addicted to taking blurry pictures of himself in the shower.

He has some serious selfie steam issues.

I've hung pictures of my old graphics cards on the wall, it didn't cost much

I got low frame rates

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I was arrested for having pictures of my cat's butthole on my phone.

They charged me with posession of kitty porn.

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I sexually identify as a microwave meal...

I am ready in 3 minutes and look nothing like my pictures.

My paper got rejected because it didn’t have any pictures.

Figures...

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Having pictures of your family as your wallpaper is great.

But it gets awkward when you close pornhub and they're the first thing you see.

Where does a Rastafarian save his pictures?

In DA BUMBACLOUD

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I have been sending pictures of my buddy Richard to random people,

So far no one has responded to my unsolicited Dick Pics. I don't even get what the fun is supposed to be about sending these.

I can’t stop laughing at pictures of mountain ranges

They are hill areas!

There's a new social media platform where people can take pictures of how they've been conned by their coke dealer.

Isntagram.

I hate taking pictures at the beach...

They're always so grainy

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