I'm a screenwriter and I just signed an amazing 2-year deal with the parent company of Universal Pictures!

I'm going to be getting the basic cable plus HBO.

I hate how my friend is always painting pictures of themselves...

It’s a poor trait

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Can the mods of this sub do a better job of monitoring who is allowed in here please?!

We have a new member, an elderly woman. She's been privately messaging people, sending them naked pictures of herself in nasty poses along with close ups of her unmentionables. She is offering an Iphone 11 in exchange for sexual favors. I am especially bothered because it turned out to be an Iphone ...

Two ISIS guys are showing each other pictures of their children.

One says, "Ah, Fizal, they blow up so fast."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Gordon Ramsay hate seeing a bunch of cute pet pictures?

Cause it's fucking r/aww!

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

With all the pictures of Epstein attending parties, talking to important people and generally socialising

It's obvious he didn't like to hang by himself

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to see a psychologist

He sits down, and the doctor pulls out some cards with some abstract inky blots on them. "I'm going to give you a a Rorschach test, please tell me what you see."

He holds up the first one. The man says "a naked lady"

The doc holds up another one. The man says "a naked lady with a dick"...

The easiest way to make money is to take pictures of salmon dressed in human clothes.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

Door to door baby photographer

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

Appreciating Art

A lawyer, representing a wealthy art collector called him and said, "Paul, I have some good news and I have some bad news."

The art collector replied, "I've had an awful day; let's hear the good news first."

The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today. She informed me that she i...

New playboy magazine

Q. Did you hear about the new magazine for married men published by Playboy?


A. It has the same pictures month after month after month after month after month....

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

I wrote a computer program to draw pictures of flowers

But now it's just drawing the same flower over and over and over and over...

It must be a lupin.

I was taking a walk around the neighborhood…

…when I saw a man pull up next to a little girl walking on the sidewalk and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop."

I was about to rush over when I noticed that the girl just kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two ...

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I have pictures of girls showing their tits.

I keep them on my flash drive.

A woman goes into an art gallery and sees two still-life pictures. Both are of a table laid for lunch with a glass of wine, a basket of bread rolls and a plate of sliced ham. However, one picture is selling for $75 and the other for $100.

Curious, she goes to the gallery owner and asks him what the difference is between the two pictures. The owner points at the $100 painting and says, “You get more ham with that one.”

In Wisconsin, you can't take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

You can't take pictures with a wooden leg, in Wisconsin or anywhere else!

You need a camera to take pictures!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A penis is like a unicycle

It’s fun to ride, but don’t send pictures of it to strangers.

Twin sisters in a Newfoundland nursing home were turning 100 years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin "WHAT DID HE SAY?" "WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!" said the other.

"Now get a little closer to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have been sending pictures of my buddy Richard to random people,

So far no one has responded to my unsolicited Dick Pics. I don't even get what the fun is supposed to be about sending these.

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup

I hadn't put my own picture up on my dating profile, just a picture of my pickup. But that's okay, because she'd just put a picture of her dog. I sent her a message, something almost-clever like "your dog can ride in my pickup any time," and she responded.

We clicked pretty quickly, and sta...

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I was arrested for having pictures of my cat's butthole on my phone.

They charged me with posession of kitty porn.

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

A man liked to draw pictures of his friend Barry and his other friend Larry.

Larry was annoyed because he Drew Barrymore.

Want to know how to scare burglars off?

First: Put pictures of a tiger all around your house.

Second: Put a cat litter tray in your hallway and take a dump in it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why have they started putting pictures of politicians inside toilet bowls?

So the assholes can see who they voted for.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife wanted pictures of us having sex,

My wife wanted pictures of us having sex, thats really bloody embarrassing, especially when the women pulled the curtain back on the photo booth in the supermarket.

King Midas got a Twitter account and stared to post pictures of things he'd turned to gold. Within a days time every single tweet would land at exactly 1000 likes and 1618 comments.

I guess you could say all of his tweets were golden ratioed.

What do you call a website where you pay to look at pictures of Spanish desserts?

OnlyFlans

While waiting in line at the entrance to a museum, my 16-year old daughter ran up to my wife and me and said, “Mom, Dad! We need to get a line form!”

Confused, I said “A line form?” She said, “Yes, I think you have to turn it in right over there before you can go in.” She pointed to the entrance.

That’s when I looked and saw the sign that said “Line Forms Here”.

True story. Bonus facts: She’s now a brilliant NICU nurse so she r...

My paper got rejected because it didn’t have any pictures.

Figures...

A man goes to a wedding

And they celebrate as normal until the reception. When he enters the tents, he sees several queues. He sees one to take a picture with the bride and groom, one to throw something at the Mother-in-law, one to pin the dress on the bridesmaid-or if you’re lucky, unpin-, one to request music, one to dan...

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The ink blot test

This guy is with his psychiatrist and the psychiatrist decides to give him a Rorschach ink blot test.
The psychiatrist shows him the first ink blot.
The guy says "That's a man and a woman having sex".
The psychiatrist shows him the second ink blot
The guy says "That's a man and two women...

Identical Twins

A teenage girl gave birth to identical twin boys. As she realized she was not ready to take care of young children, let alone 2 boys, she made the difficult decision to give them up for adoption.

The boys were adopted immediately. One of them was adopted by a lovely Egyptian family who decide...

When you see pictures of the Holocaust it’s really sad

But it’s even more depressing when you realize the camera adds 10 pounds

James takes his date to the prom

They get to the building, and there's a long line to get in


They go to take pictures, and there a long line for pictures


They go to get flowers, and there's another long line for flowers.


James is fed up with all the lines, so he goes for some punch, and finds that ...

My friend is addicted to taking blurry pictures of himself in the shower.

He has some serious selfie steam issues.

I always carry pictures of my wife and kids in my wallet

It reminds me why no money is in there

I can’t stop laughing at pictures of mountain ranges

They are hill areas!

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