A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde did not know how the sale...

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I was having sex with my girlfriend while watching tv, she suddenly says "wrong hole!!" I tell her, no im pretty sure its a winning hole

we were watching golf

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A Woman is sitting in the lounge watching TV

Suddenly, she starts shouting "Don't you dare enter that fucking church, don't do it"

Husband walks in and asks the woman what she's watching

Wife replies: "Our wedding video"

Some might doubt that TV shows inspired hundreds of thousands of people to raid Area 51 looking for supernatural beings

but I've seen stranger things

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A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV.

After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.

A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on t...

I won a TV from Kellogs and need to get it fixed

But I cant find the cereal number

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A girl is cuddling with her boyfriend watching TV and says...

\-Tell me something sweet.

\- Watermelon.

\-Nooooo, something I'd like.

\-Shoes.

\-Noooo, something sexy.

\-Your sister.

How‘s a ban on watching TV called in Russia?

Nyetflix

No TV in Afghanistan

(this is an actual true event)

This colleague's friend went to Afghanistan. As he spent his days there he realised there are no TVs in anyone's home.

"what's going on here. How come there's no TV around here?"


Someone replied, "oh. It's coz of the Tele-ban".

Which means "No Tv for you!" in Russian?

Njetflix

They say an 80s D&D TV show couldn't work on a modern internet streaming platform

But Stranger Things has happened.

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A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.

After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”

I would tell you a joke about a TV competition

but you wouldn’t get the point

My dentist has a TV on the ceiling so the patient can watch shows while he works

Netflix and Drill

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

One day TV is broadcasting about a gun shot in campus and the experts analyze that it is linked to the murder's massive time in playing violence video game.

Mum: No sense, my son is always playing dating sims and he still unable to find a girlfriend.

What’s a road worker’s favourite TV show?

Game of Cones

Absolutely cannot wait for Brexit.

We make nothing in Britain these days;just noticed on the back of my TV it says ‘Built in Antenna’- this is a country I’ve never even heard of.

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The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The reporter had her crew set up in the living room of the retirement home where the man, born in 1919, was watching days pass by.

She sat on a chair in front of him, ready to start taping the feel-good segment of the night's local news.

"I'm with mister James Woodson, our county's eld...

There was a great TV show about lumberjacks.

But it got axed.

Why aren't people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.

Because of the telly ban

I lost my tv controller somewhere

It's in some remote location

Who says sitting at home watching TV all day can't be rewarding?

In fact, I just got atrophy from it!

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My black friend said he doesn't watch the tv show "Friends," because it's racist.

How can it be racist though when it doesn't even have black people in it?!?

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to join the cast of a new Reality TV show called “Embarrassing Bodies.”

Four, to be exact.

I went to buy a new TV and told the sales guy "I don't care what type it is as long as it's not 3D"

He drew me a picture of one.

After I won the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Now I’m permanently banned from the bowling tournament.

Which TV station smells the best?

Chanel 5

TV Show Pitch: 30 Unvaccinated Kids Live in a House Together

We'll call it Survivor.

The new 3D tv I bought is super realistic!

I dozed off while watching a documentary on the Catholic Church and when I woke up the house smelled of incense and my 7 year-old son was missing.

Why are there so many ‘parental advisory’ notices on tv programmes lately?

My mum’s getting really sick of me phoning.

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How do you get seven sexy clowns to stop watching TV at your house?

Respond quickly please. My parents will be home any minute.

An old man is sitting on the couch watching TV until he gets a phone call...

The man says, “Hello sir, This is Bill from the IRS, we need you to come in at 9am tomorrow to discuss some large amounts of money coming into your account.”

“Ok, I’ll be there.”

“Thank you, see you tomorrow.”

The old man thought to himself, “I probably need a lawyer, huh?”...

Working on an underfunded TV show is really hard

All those involved deserve some props

TIL: ”Buckwheat” from the “Little Rascals” tv show converted to Islam...

His new name is “Kareem O Wheat”

What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV?

Nut-flix!

A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!

TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV.

It was *Ellen* or rugby.

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[NSFW] Frank was happy in the old folks home with Charlotte always holding his member under the blanket on his wheelchair as they watched TV.

Then one day, Charlotte noticed that Frank wasn't around. When this happened, Charlotte went looking for Frank, fearing the worst had happened to him. After a bit of searching, Charlotte came across Frank, in his wheelchair, watching TV with another woman. Charlotte noticed the blanket vibrating vig...

A blonde entered a technology and appliance store to purchase a new TV.

When she found one she liked, she brought it to the cashier, saying “I would like to buy this TV, please.”

The cashier replied, “sorry, but I don’t sell to blondes.”

Discouraged and still determined to buy the TV, she went to the salon, dyed her hair brown, and returned to the same sto...

My dog just chewed up a TV remote

And he is not even remotely sorry

A man was selling his TV

A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks

'You're selling your TV for only a dollar?

'Yep.'

'It looks brand new!'

'It is.'

'What's wrong with it?'

'The volume is turned all the way up and you can't chan...

Watching tv Ads

My dad's Dad joke of the day

Don't you Hate it when they put a Movie in between my Tv adverts

(Watching a movie on free Tv) (Cable)

I just watched a TV show where a bunch of stoners are sitting around having mild arguments.

It’s a mellow drama.

What's the difference between a G-spot and a TV remote?

Men will actually search for a TV remote.

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As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine.

Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

So, after winning the ball game, I decided to throw a ball into the crowd like I've seen pro baseball players on TV do

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

Seems like there are very few products made in America any more. I just bought a TV and it said,

Built in Antenna.

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An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a porn channel and a fishing channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's Sake, Dave. leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed...

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A hot blonde doctor made a statement about premature ejaculation on TV.

I came to the conclusion

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My new TV proudly mentions "BUILT IN ANTENNA" on the box in came in

Where the fuck is that?

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You can't have that TV until....

Long ago, a teenage kid went into an electronics store in New York. He really liked this TV and he wanted to buy it. Since his dad was very rich, he knew he could purchase it no matter what. So heads up to the store owner and asks him, "How much for that TV?" The store owner says, "That TV is not fo...

An elderly woman was watching tv one afternoon

There was a story on the news about a driver on the freeway driving the wrong way

She knew her husband was going to the store, so she called him

“Dear be careful, there is a car on the freeway driving the wrong way!”

“One!?, There’s hundreds of them!”

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When I was younger, I used to put porn on the TV when my parents went shopping.

The Best Buy employees didn't really appreciate it though.

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Hey, I just found some old 1980's copies of the TV Guide!

Or as they are now known - the sex offenders registry

A guy was screaming at the TV “Run idiot, run!”

His wife walked in and asked “Are you watching a horror movie?”. He said “No. It’s our wedding tape”

I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...

"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."

Why did the banker like the TV show?

Because he was invested in the story.

What do you call the first episode of a TV series with a predominantly black cast?

A pilot, you racist

After 15 years people are still making references to the TV show Friends.

No one told me life was gonna be this way.

I'm selling a TV to a middle aged man and his wife.

Me: “So it’s between the 54 and the 58 inch TV, right?”

Husband: “Yes, but I don’t understand the difference between them.”

Me: “Well, they have the same specs all the way down the line. One is just bigger.”

Husband: “Who in the hell would pay almost $350 more for four more inch...

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[OC] I saw a Japanese martial artist, I've seen him on tv before so I excitedly waved at him. He was confused and said "I don't believe we've met"

I said "I recognize Judo".

When it's sunny, I think, beer garden! When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while. When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.

I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

...

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There is nothing wrong with sex on TV

...as long as you don't fall off.

Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it's -50°C in Siberia today...

In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:

\- Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?

\- Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.

\- Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!

\- Ah, this must be outside.

I founded John Lennon Television, and now we’re the second biggest subscription TV service in the UK.

Above us, only Sky.

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A boy was watching TV with his father

When a sex scene came on.
"well son, time for bed" the father says.
"but dad, I'm 15 now!" the son complains.
The father replies "I don't care how old you are son, you're not watching me masturbate"

A TV weatherman broke both his legs and arms in an accident...

...he had to call in from the hospital to explain his four casts.

I thought of an idea for a new reality TV show...

It's about a group of Middle Easter Islamic terrorists that are entering their 40s. They stop buying an excessive amount of guns and explosives and instead start purchasing luxery cars and motorcycles. I call the show Midlife ISIS.

What do you call a TV show discussing renewable energy?

The solar panel

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A well known TV Evangelists is booking into a posh hotel.

He tells the duty manager, "I hope the porn channel is set to disabled."

The manager looks at him and replies, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard!"

I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my home. it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV, my PS4 and my legos were fine. But the room was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps

I was delighted.

What is Isaac Newton's favorite TV show?

Gravity Falls

A man is watching tv with his dog.

He looks at it and says.

Man: I wish you could talk, then I could make a ton of money.

Dog: No one will believe you...

If you advertise your big new TV by putting the box out in the trash, I'm gonna steal it.

My cardboard fort only needs a few more pieces.

There was an overweight guy who was watching TV...

....A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catc...

What do odd numbers and reality TV stars in common?

They literally can't even

A Tv-crew is sent to interview a farmer before the election.

"Could you please share with our viewers, how has the past year been for you?"

"Well, you know I can't complain. I had a very good harvest of wheat, so my family definitely won't go hungry. My vegetable patches brought in amazing organic crops, I was able to sell those at a good profit. And ...

Spending New Year's Eve at home in front of TV is pathetic!

So we sit sideways

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Damn girl are you a TV Dinner?

Because you look fucking disgusting.

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I think there is something wrong with my TV.

An advert has just come on with a white , married heterosexual couple in it.

Two ducks just walked across my tv

Must have been a double bill.

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A mother, father, and their young son are sitting on the couch watching tv

The boy is eating some yogurt, and his mom asks him how he likes it. He replies “it’s fucking great you moron”.
The mom is very upset so she looks at her husband and asks “where do you think he got that from?”, and he replies “from the fucking fridge, moron”.

My friend told this very NSFW joke during some TV recording training, got asked to tell something different.

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free.

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A man is watching TV in his living room one evening, and the doorbell rings.

He gets up and answers the door, but doesn't see anyone. He looks down and sees a large garden snail on his welcome mat. Without a word, he picks it up and chucks it as far as he can out into the street.

Six months later, same man is watching TV in his living room one evening and the doorbel...

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The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

(This might be a repost, but my friend told me it and I thought it was funny.)

The boy's dad was shaving his beard, then accidentally cut himself. He was so surprised he yelled "Ass!" And the boy heard...

"Daddy, what does ass mean?"

"It means... beard."

Downstairs, the b...

My girlfriend said she's leaving me due to my obsession of TV dramas.

But will she really leave me???Find out next week...

Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

What are these TV series about 2 musiciancs fighting against sharps and flats for decades?

Supernaturals

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What's a sluts favorite TV channel?

BBC

What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?

I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.

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I like my women like I like my tv's.

Japanese and mounted to the wall.

I saw an ad in a shop window, "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full"

Couldn't turn it down.

Two men on death row are discussing TV shows.

One asks: "So do you prefer Game of Thrones or The Walking Dead"?


The Other Answers: "Oh, I'm a Walking Dead man"

Scottish Husband: There was a good film on tv last night, the boxing one with that guy Sylvester...?

Wife: Stallone?

Scottish Husband: No it’s not still oan, it was oan last night

What’s Jesus’ favorite TV Show?

Breaking Bread

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Watching golf on TV is like watching a porno.

After five minutes I want to do it myself.

I was going to go on TV and show everyone my motor that spins at exactly 1,800 rpm. Unfortunately, the station uses a 30fps camera, so while you can still see the motor itself...

The revolution will NOT be televised

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My dad was sitting in front of the TV and asked me to get him his slippers.

I went to get them, but a devilish idea came to my head. I walked into my sister's room, where she was hanging out with her best friend.

"Dad told me to come grab your friend's tits" I said.

"What? What are you talking about?"

"You don't believe me?" I turned around and yelled t...

They should make a TV show about people who dance on logs,

They can call it Log-a-Rhythm.

A man was watching TV and tossing peanuts in the air and eating them.

His wife calls him and he turns his head while eating one and it goes into his ear.


They try in vain to take it out when their daughter comes home with her boyfriend after a date.


The boyfriend says he can help and puts two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow hard an...

I told a salesman I desperately needed a new TV.

"Do you plan on mounting it?" he asked.

"No," I said. "I'm not *that* desperate."

Have you heard of the TV show about kamikaze attacks?

It didn’t last longer than the pilot

My mom told me that if I watched scary movies, the monster could come out of the TV and haunt the house..

So I only watched them at my friends' house.

Man, I hate when I buy a TV and it says "Built In Antenna"

I really don't like buying foreign products.

What's a cows favorite Tv drama?

Graze Anatomy

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I have 200hrs of the TV show 'Hoarders' on my DVR.

I know I'm never going to watch it all but I can't bring myself to get rid of it.

What's a TV show hacker's favorite kind of cyber attack?

A DDOL - Direct Denial of Logic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm passing this on because it worked for me today. A doctor on TV said in order to have inner peace in our lives we should always finish what we started...

Since we all need more calm in our lives I looked around my house until I found things I hadn't finished.

I finished a bottle of merlot, a bottle of chardonnay, a boddle of baileys, a buttle of wum the raminder of valiuminum scriptins and a box of choclutz.....Yu haz no idr how fabuluz i fel ...

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Family of three were watching TV on evening.

The young son was sitting on the floor in front of the TV, fiddling with a yogurt packet. He couldn't get the lid off.

"Stupid fucking yogurt," the son muttered while he was struggling with the yogurt lid.

The mother was appalled, knowing that her husband too has a horrible mouth. Sh...

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

What do you call a TV that has been split in half?

A Telefission.

A tv show about the earth would be really boring

It would just be the same 4 seasons over and over again being rerun.

My buddy signed up for one of those, "learn to be a plumber in 6 weeks" courses you see on TV and his final exam was at 9am today...

He showed up at 3pm, looked at the test paper and said, "Looks like I'm gonna need a pen for this job. I'll have to pop round to my suppliers for one. Be right back."

Graduated top of his class...

So a blonde wants to buy a new tv

So she gets to the store and picks the tv she likes but then a member of staff stops her and says: "sorry we dont sell to blondes", more confused than offended she walks out the store.

When she got home she thought of a plan that will allow her to buy a tv: to dye her hair black.
So the ne...

A little boy heard about Jesus Christ on tv...

he wanted to know more about who was jesus so he went to this dad "hey dad who's jesus christ?" dad answered "not now son im busy with work, ask ur mom" so the boy went to his mom and asked "mom who's jesus christ?" ,mom answered "baby im washing the dishes right now, ask ur sister" so the boy went ...

Why are TV shows full of drug use?

Because studios misread the demand for a strong heroine.

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

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TV for Sale

I just saw a TV for sale on EBay.

The listing said "40 inch HD TV for sale - good working order, £100 - volume button is stuck on full"

I thought 'I can't turn that down....'

A blonde walks into a shop and asks the worker “ how much for this tv?”

The worker replies “sorry we don’t sell to blondes.”

So she leaves, goes home and dyes her hair, and comes back to the store a brunette. She then asks the worker again “how much for this tv?”

He again replies with “sorry, we don’t sell to blondes.”

So she goes home yet again, d...

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