UPJOKE
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A blonde goes to buy a TV

A blonde goes to buy a TV and asks for the manager at the electronics store

She asks “How much is that TV?”

The manager responds “I’m sorry but I don’t sell to blondes”

She gets mad and leaves the store. When she gets home she gets an idea. She decides to dye her hair red and th...

What did master yoda say when he saw himself on a 4k tv?

HDMI

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

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A father and son are hanging out in their living room watching TV

Suddenly the dad’s feet are cold and he asks the son to get him his slippers from upstairs.

While upstairs the son sees two of his sister’s friends so he goes up to both of them and says, "My Dad told me to come up here and fuck both of you".

“you're lying", They say

The son ...

Nothing is built in America these days. I just bought a TV and it said “Built In Antenna”

I don’t even know where that is!

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

...

I saw an ad in a shop window, "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full"

Couldn't turn it down.

A guy was screaming at the TV “Run idiot, run!”

His wife walked in and asked “Are you watching a horror movie?”. He said “No. It’s our wedding tape”

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth. Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head. The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck. His daughter comes in with her date. The man explains the...

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A TV crew went to interview the oldest man living in a small village

"Can you tell us what was the happiest moment you can remember?"

"That was when Mary Jones got lost on the hills over there. We organized a search party and when we found her we were so happy that we had a special celebration, everybody got drunk and all the men in the village fucked Mary Jon...

My wife asked me one day what was on TV.

I said, "Dust."

And that's how the fight started.

Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

A man was selling his TV

A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks

'You're selling your TV for a dollar?'

'yup'

'It looks brand new!'

'It is.'

'What's wrong with it?'

'Oh the volume is turned all the way up and you can't change...

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I object to all of the sex on the TV, these days...

I mean, I keep falling off!

A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said, "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."

The guy was annoyed and said, "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me diagnose the problem...where's the car?" And his wife said, "In the pond in front of our house."

I bought a new "Smart TV"...

>Now I can't watch Celebrity Big Brother. It will only let me watch Neil deGrasse Tyson space documentaries.

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with acting like a TV news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

In Russia you watch tv

In America tv watches you.

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

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A man screams at his tv: “You fucking idiot don’t walk into that church!!”

His wife comes Into the room and asks him what he’s watching.

The man responds: “Our wedding tape”

Did you know the Origami world cup is on TV....

It's only available on pay per view though.

After winning the game, I threw the ball into the crowd just like they do on TV.

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling.

There's so much nudity on TV these days, it makes me so angry.

I just sit there, shaking my fist.

Looking to hire someone to change the channel and volume on my tv.

Must be able to work remote.

What was the cheesiest show on '70s TV?

The Roquefort Files

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A man is sitting in his living room watching tv one night

when he hears a knock at the door. He answers and sees a snail on his front porch. The snail looks up at the man and says, “hey buddy, can I talk to you for a minute?”

The man snatches the snail up and flings him far out into the front yard. “Get the hell outta here!”

Three years later...

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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology....

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
She said: "Out...

The zoologist wanted a new tv

The one he was looking at way too expensive, so he settled for a monitor lizard.

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A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

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My wife was screaming and yelling at the tv, “Don’t go to church you stupid bitch,” I said “what are you watching?”

She said, “Our wedding video.”

Shortest TV series

Breaking Bad (Canada version)

I was on the TV last night!

When I'm drunk I sleep anywhere!

Why do people prefer watching tv over camping?

Because camping is intense.

What is Beetlejuice's favorite TV Channel?

It's Showtime!

What is Death’s favourite TV show?

Better Call Soul

Optimus Prime is at home, watching TV, when his power goes out.

Frustrated, he calls the electrical company, and they have someone sent over. As he goes to ask the lineman what's going on, he notices that his jaw won't move, so he goes to get some motor oil to lubricate his jaws.

10 minutes later, he arrives back at his house, his mouth full of motor oil....

I guess the TV ads were lying to us all the time.

Aren’t you supposed to call the doctor if your election lasts this long?

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*The TV Game*

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game.

After answering all the questions, there is a tie.

So both are given one final assignment.

It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu".

It is a city in Africa.

The priest returns...

watching tv with my dad

We were watching the commercials and I said these commercials are brainwashing us, our brains are like hard drives and they store all this information, then my dad said "when you get old your brain turns into a soft drive"

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A husband and wife are watching TV

A husband and wife are watching TV at home. The husband keeps switching channels, between golf and porn. Golf to porn, golf to porn, golf to porn.
This goes on for awhile, before the wife had enough and yells
,"Jesus Christ! Just leave it on porn! You already know how to play golf!"

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I'm disappointed with all this sex on TV nowadays.

They're way too thin, I always fall off.

My wife always complains about how cold the living room is when watching TV.

I told her to sit in the corner as its always 90 degrees.

A Man was watching TV one day, when all of a sudden he began screaming in terror.

"Don't go in the Church!" He cried


"it's a trap!"




"Mom, is Dad watching a horror movie?" His son asked



"No dear, He's watching our wedding video." The mom replied

A tv show about the earth would be really boring

It would just be the same 4 seasons over and over again being rerun.

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My wife caught me one day for watching a porn channel so i quickly turned the tv to a fishing channel. On her way out she said:

‘You should stay on the porn channel. You know how to fish!’

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TV ad for Benson's Nails

Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising. He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson's Nails.

"Give me a week," says the friend, "and I'll be back with an ad."

A week goes by and the marketing execut...

So I'm making a TV series about a plane hijacking..

We've just shot the pilot.

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Did you hear about the new TV drama about a team of plumbers?

It’s gonna be a shit-show.

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A Labour politician, a BBC TV reporter and a British SAS soldier were captured by ISIS...

They were, as usual, sentenced to death by beheading.

Unexpectedly, the ISIS leader said they could have one last request before their sentence was carried out...

The Labour politician asked to hear a rendering of "Keep the Red Flag Flying Here".

The BBC TV reporter asked that t...

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."

The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."

So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."

Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."

So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and...

My Jewish girlfriend got mad when I let out a fart while watching tv.

I said, honey. A little gas never hurt anyone.

The TV Healer

Grandpa and Grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.

Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set...

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As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine.

Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

I got thrown off of a TV commercial set a few years ago.

We were filming an ad for Taco Bell. The director didn't like being corrected. He kept saying "That's a wrap" when clearly it was a Taco Supreme.

My brother recently seen an ad on kijiji for a 42" TV.

Boy was he shocked when a crossdressing little person showed up at his door.

HBO is reportedly planning on a new TV series based on Hermione from Harry Potter.

It's called Granger Things

How do you watch NASCAR without a TV?

You flush a bag of M&M's down the toilet.

A blonde goes to buy a TV.

A blonde goes out to buy a TV at a department store.

Blonde: I'd like that TV please.

Clerk: Sorry, we don't sell to blondes.

So the blonde goes out and dyes her hair brown. She then goes back to the store.

Blonde: I'd like that TV please.

Clerk: I'm sorry but we d...

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you...

Your vacuum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

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An interview with an old man .

An 80 years old man had an interview with the local TV channel and they told him : old man can you tell us about a happy memory from your youth ?

Old man : one time my donkey got lost and all the village went out to search for and when we found it we were so happy we all fucked it .

J...

Watched this TV show called "How To Get Out Of Bed"

Exciting stuff...I was on the edge of my sheet

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What was Hitler favorite TV show?

The Amazing Race

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A guy is sitting on his couch one day watching TV when he hears a knock on the door...

He answers the door, and at first, he doesn't see anyone around. He looks around and finally sees a little tiny turtle standing there. Annoyed, he picks up the turtle and chucks it as far as he can.

Five years later, he's sitting on his couch watching TV, and he hears a knock on the door. He ...

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A man is watching TV by himself

After a short time, he yelled at the television, Don't go into that church you stupid ass hole!!! His wife ran into the room, and asked what are you watching... He replied our wedding video

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(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

I just saw this joke on a very serious TV show, The Old Man.

A woman and her son were walking on the beach when a giant wave swept over them. The woman was separated from her son and she looked all around and couldn’t see him anywhere. She looked up at the sky and screamed “Whoever is up there please help me. My son is everything to me, I can’t live witho...

A Soviet citizen turns on the TV

On the first channel, Brezhnev is delivering a speech. The man switches to the second channel: Brezhnev again. Channel three: still Brezhnev. He turns to the fourth channel, and it’s showing a KGB colonel who shakes his fist and warns: "You’d better stop changing channels…"

What do you call 53 men watching the Superbowl on TV?

The Detroit Lions

What's a cokeheads favorite TV show?

Whose Line is it Anyway

The Soviet Union had two TV channels

One was propaganda,

and the other was a KGB agent telling you to turn back to the propaganda

Burglars are getting very clever these days.

Last night, my wife woke me up, “Darling! Darling! There's a burglar downstairs!!”

So I go down, check every room and don't find anyone. Then I realized I don't have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and TV were gone.

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I have to commend my friend for having a lot of balls to sign up for the Reality TV show, “Embarrassing Bodies”.

Three, to be exact.

What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?

I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.

A guy driving a Kia.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says s...

Why didn’t the rabbit hunter want to be on TV?

Because he was having a bad hare day.

I'm starting to doubt my marriage

A rich man, after 50 years of marriage, once looked at his wife and said:

\- 50 years ago, we had a small house and an old car. We slept on the couch and watched a small black-and-white TV, but every night I went to bed with a beautiful 19-year-old girl. Now I have a huge expensive house, ma...

Thomas Aquinas Walks into a bar... (from the TV show Madam Secretary)

Thomas Aquinas walks into a bar, and the bartender pours him a big goblet of mead.

Bartender says, "How ya doin?"

Aquinas says, "Oh, not so great. I've been working on this treatise for seminarians. Uh, basically explains all the major points of Catholicism. It could be the most impo...

Putin's propagandists on TV said nuclear war is fine because patriotic Russians will go to Heaven.

Heaven heard it and immediately applied to join NATO!

George and Jeff watches TV

George: "Oh no, that's terrible!"

Jeff: "What happened?"

George: "An earthquake! They found 13 dead, and counting!"

Jeff: "That *is* terrible."

Jeff: "I hate counting too."

Grandma saw on TV news that a car is driving against the traffic on the highway.

Remembering that grandpa is coming back home from the city on the same highway, she called him to warn him.

"Honey be careful driving, apparently there is a person driving in the wrong direction on the road."

"What do you mean a person?" Grandpa yelled, "Everyone is driving insanely to...

I just found out how TV announcers enter brothels. And I'll share that secret...

But first.

Why does the proctologist keep buying new TV remotes?

Digging through the couch just feels like work.

Hoping to get a 4k tv after Christmas.

Making my new years resolution 3840 x 2160.

i made a joke about our tv controller

it wasn't even remotely funny

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A Dad and a Son were watching TV downstairs.

The Dads feet started getting cold. So he sends his Son upstairs to get his slippers. When he gets to the top he sees two of his sisters friends on her bed. He then says,”My Dad sent me up here to sleep with you both”. They then replied with,”No he hasn’t, you’re lying for sure”. The Son says,”He ha...

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Two Jews, Moishe and Abram, are arguing.

Moishe: Black is a color

Abram: No it is not.

Moishe: I'm telling you, black is a color.

Abram: No, it's not.

They go to the rabbi.

Moishe: Rebbe, is black a color?

Rabbi: Yes, Moshe, black is indeed a color.

Moshe: See, Abram, I told you.

Abr...

Stupid TV Trivia- Here are some of mine- post your own!

Did you see "Gilligan’s Island" that time when they almost got rescued?

Remember that "Star Trek" episode when they met those aliens?

Did you catch "Jersey Shore" when they got drunk and had that fight?

How about "The Bachelorette" episode when she cried.

Did you see t...

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A guy watching TV, asks his wife

A guy, watching TV, asks his wife,

"Can you, please, bring me a beer, before it starts?"

The wife, a little annoyed, brings him a beer.

After five minutes, the guy, asks again,

"Can you please bring me another beer, before it starts?"

The wife brings him another be...

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Do you know what happens when you fuck a tv

pretty shocking results

I was watching a tv show about the worlds best ceiling...

And I realised that mine wasn't the best, but it was definitely up there.

I buy a TV every year with different amount of pixels

It's my new year's resolution

In England, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know where your children are?”

In France, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know where your husband is?”

In Italy, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know where your wife is?”

In Poland, on TV, they say, “It’s 10 PM. Do you know what time it is?”

Reality TV..

I REALISED my 10 year old nephew had been watching too many reality TV shows the day we attended a relative’s wedding.

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle toward the front of the church, he turned to me and asked, “Is this where the groom decides which one he wants to marry?”

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For Sale. 42 inch TV. Volume button doesn't work $20.

A deal you can't turn down

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A Priest visits a hotel and approaches reception, the receptionist explains the services in his room, including that there is a TV. 'Ah' says the Priest, 'I've heard about hotel TV in confession, I hope the porn is disabled?'

'No you sick pervert, it's normal porn' says the receptionist

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My TV remote just suddenly stopped working the other day.

I guess I must have really pressed its buttons.

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young lady decided she'd been stood up.

Exasperated, she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV. 

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. 

There stood her date. 

He took one look at her and said "I'm two ho...

A husband and wife are sitting on the couch watching TV.

The wife looks at the husband and he is staring at the ceiling above her head.

She looks up and asks "What are you staring at?"

“A spider,” he replies.

“I don't see anything.”

“Oh, it must have fallen on your head,” he says calmly.

The wife jumps up screaming. <...

In the age of streaming, I don't get why I have to watch re-runs from the 60/70s whenever I turn on the TV

Inflation going rampant, NASA going to the moon, Russia/US on the brink of war.....

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A husband and wife lay in bed watching tv together

with the remote in his hand, he continuously flicks between 2 channels. one features men fishing while the other contains a lot of sex scenes.

after watching one for about a minute, he flicks back to the other. the wife, who is now annoyed with his indecisiveness, demands that he choose one s...

What will they call Trump’s prison reality TV show?

Orange is the new Orange.

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Two young boys walk into a pharmacy store to buy tampons

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.


The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'


'Eight', the boy replied.


The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used ...

A man was watching TV and enjoying a beer.

Don't go," he yelled at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Walk away. Argh, you stupid man!"

His wife called from the kitchen, "What on earth are you watching?"

"Our wedding video."

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There was this really bizarre porn on the other day; it was just a guy on his couch, crying and jerking off.

Turns out I hadn't turned the TV on.

I went to this TV repairman's wedding

The reception was great.

How‘s a ban on watching TV called in Russia?

Nyetflix

About 15 years ago, my girlfriend dumped me on a tv show that ended up airing on tv.

This is very personal information to me guys, so whatever you do, don't watch "To Catch a Predator" episode 3.

As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I just bought this new TV and it says “Built-in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.

Why do TV-detectives hate round buildings?

The solution is always right around the corner.

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A man goes to hell...

The devil greets him and says "You have to pick your torture. Pick wisely because this will be your torture for eternity".

The man goes through hundreds of rooms but can't decide, until he sees a room where a man is sitting on a couch watching football on TV and getting a blowjob from a cheer...

TV crew decides to visit a hundred years old man living alone in a cabin in the woods

When they go there they see he is chopping wood and carrying it all by himself. He is active and healthy and has a body of a forty year old man.

They ask him "What is your secret?" and the old man tells them a story:

"Seventy years ago, there was a huge blizzard that came out of nowher...

I have a few questions about the Buck Rogers TV series from 1979.

Never mind. I'll check Twikipedia.

A blonde pays $1,000,000 to use a stadium to prove blondes are smart.

She fills the stadium with 80,000 other blondes and calls one up to prove, on live TV, that blondes are smart. She starts simply with a math question.
“What’s twenty plus three?” She asks the young volunteer. The little blonde thinks and timidly whispers into the mic “nine?” Soon a chorus of 80,...

Wife finds her husband watching tv

Man yells, 'No don't do it!'
Man yells louder, 'Don't do it, you idiot!'
Wife asks, 'What are you watching?'
Man says 'Our wedding tape.'

TV Anchor and A Shapherd

TV Anchor to a Shapherd: "What do you feed your goat?"

Shepherd: "Which one, the black or the white?"

Anchor: "hmm! The black one"

Shepherd: "Grass"

Anchor: "And the white one?"

Shepherd: "Also Grass"

Anchor: "How do you bathe them?"

Shepherd: "Which ...

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Marge Simpson was one of TV’s first LGBTQ+ characters

She was animation’s first Homer-sexual

What do you call someone who spoils tv shows?

A serial killer

What do Tv and American schools have in common?

there weren't any colours until the 60s

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