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Last night I was sitting in the couch and watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen " what do you want for dinner honey? Chicken, beef or lamb?

I replied "Thank you love. I feel like having chicken."

She replied " You're having soup you fat bastard. I'm talking to the dog."

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What do you call a person who has daily appearances on TV yet, fucks up their job ~25% of the time and...still...manages...to...keep...it?

A weatherman.

After I won the game I decide to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV....

Apparently that's unacceptable in bowling

My cat and I were watching TV when suddendly it scratched me.

Just because i pressed paws.

Today I saw myself on TV

When I turned it off.

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After trying and failing to agree on what to watch on TV, my wife threw her hands up in exasperation. "Do we even have anything in common?" she asked.

I responded. "Well, neither of us ever get blowjobs. Does that count?"

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A man screams at his tv: “You fucking idiot don’t walk into that church!!”

His wife comes Into the room and asks him what he’s watching.

The man responds: “Our wedding tape”

What resolution is a white supremacists TV?

3K

I was watching TV and my wife sat next to me

Wife: "What's on the TV?"

Me: "Dust."

And so the fight began...

I bought the president of Brazil an Apple TV for the holiday.

And all he got me was an Amazon fire.

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I asked a little person walking to a moving van carrying a flatscreen and asked him if I could help him with his tv.

He said "fuck you man, this is my ipad!" What a jerk.

Do Germans like Andy Samberg TV shows?

Nein Nein!

After years in jail, I finally managed to escape from it, and when I got home my wife said, "They announce your escape on TV nine hours ago. Where have you been and with who?"

I called the police and turned myself in.

A teenage potato brings her boyfriend home to meet the parents. "So, what do you do for work?" asks the inquisitive father potato. “Oh, I work for a TV company as a sportscaster." The father potato is furious and tells the boyfriend to leave immediately.

“Why did you do that daddy?!” shrieks the distraught daughter, eyes wide.

The father shouts, “I’m not having *my* daughter hanging around with a commentator!"

Will my girlfriend leave me because of my love of TV dramas?

Find out next week

I live alone, and while I was watching TV, I saw these 10 ants running around frantically in my living room...

So I felt kind of bad for them, so I made them a little house using a cardboard box and some dirt from the backyard.


I guess this makes me their landlord.


Now it's just me and my tenants.

A blonde went to the appliance store sale and found a bargain. "I would like to buy this TV," she told the salesman.

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde was very angry about this. She hurried home and dyed her hair, then came back and again told the salesman, "I would like to buy this TV."

"Sorry, we don't sell to blondes," he replied.

The blonde did not know how the sale...

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An old half deaf husband is watching TV with the wife.They are watching the DYI network on home repair.

Every time the wife gets up he flips it to the porn channel not realizing she can hear and flips it back as she comes back to the room. This goes on for a few cycles till she comes back from the kitchen and yells at him, Oh for gods sake bob just leave it on the porn...you already know how to hang a...

For Christmas I'm getting myself a 4K TV.

That's gonna be my new year's resolution.

A Make-a-Wish child wanted to know, if his favorite TV show was staged or real. The producers told him that he will need to wait for a little longer.

Now he's dying to know the truth.

Two TV wine tasters trying to out do each other

Food and drink show on TV doing a wine feature with 2 tasters being given a blind tasting. Both hate each other and are desperate to show off

The first taster takes a sip and says "oh this is clearly French, from the Rhone Valley"

The second cuts across him to say "Well, obviously, it'...

Have you ever been hit by a TV?

It hertz.

What is a mathematician's favorite TV show?

Sine-feld.

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When was the first time sex was discussed on TV.

When June Cleaver told Ward, “ You were pretty hard on the Beaver last night.”

I saw on the TV that Godzilla recently attacked South Korea and thousands are dead!

Really Seoul-crushing news.

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It took a lot of balls for my friend to go on the reality TV show “Embarrassing Bodies.”

Three actually.

Our newborn couldn't stop crying while we were watching TV

That's OK, it was only a minor distraction.

My Wife is really getting fed up with all these makeup ads on TV

So I changed the Chanel

Absolutely cannot wait for Brexit.

We make nothing in Britain these days;just noticed on the back of my TV it says ‘Built in Antenna’- this is a country I’ve never even heard of.

I wanted to watch the world origami championships on TV

...but it was only on paper view.

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I was having sex with my girlfriend while watching tv, she suddenly says "wrong hole!!" I tell her, no im pretty sure its a winning hole

we were watching golf

With all of the shows such as Black-ish, Mixed-ish, and Grown-ish, TV executives have announced a new show about the people of an island in the North Atlantic.

They are going to call it Ir-ish.

The Elder Gods don't pay for cable TV, HBO, or FiOS...

They have Cth-Hulu

I heard on the TV, "no arms race between Russia and the United States"

I thought to myself, "I didn't even know the Paralympics were on"

Can you imagine Netflix making a TV show about storming Area 51?

But then again, Stranger Things has happened

What does the TV do in free time?

It watches Chuck Norris!

What's a TV show you'll never see on reddit?

The OC.

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A girl is cuddling with her boyfriend watching TV and says...

\-Tell me something sweet.

\- Watermelon.

\-Nooooo, something I'd like.

\-Shoes.

\-Noooo, something sexy.

\-Your sister.

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A Woman is sitting in the lounge watching TV

Suddenly, she starts shouting "Don't you dare enter that fucking church, don't do it"

Husband walks in and asks the woman what she's watching

Wife replies: "Our wedding video"

Why aren't people in the Afghanistan allowed to watch TV.

Because of the telly ban

Whats an Anti-Vax's kid favorite tv show?

The walking dead

What's the British government's favourite tv show?

Deal or no meal

I came to the realization that my 5 year old was watching too much reality TV when we attended a wedding

As the four bridesmaids walked down the aisle to the altar, he asked, "Is this where the groom picks the one he wants to marry?"

Some might doubt that TV shows inspired hundreds of thousands of people to raid Area 51 looking for supernatural beings

but I've seen stranger things

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A man and his wife are watching tv. He keeps switching between fishing and porn.

After a while, the man’s wife says, “Keep it on porn, you already know how to fish.”

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A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton came on the TV.

After a few sips he looked up at the screen and mumbled, "Now there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

Immediately, a customer at the end of the bar got up, walked over, decked him, and left.

A few minutes later, the man was finishing his beer when Hillary Clinton appeared on t...

A farmer is being interviewed on TV about his prize-winning cows.

The interviewer asks, "So tell us, what are you feeding these cows?"

"The black ones or the white ones?" the farmer replies.

"Uh... the black ones."

"Oh," says the farmer, "I feed them grass."

"Ok then, what about the white ones?"

"I feed them grass, too" the farme...

What’s a road worker’s favourite TV show?

Game of Cones

No TV in Afghanistan

(this is an actual true event)

This colleague's friend went to Afghanistan. As he spent his days there he realised there are no TVs in anyone's home.

"what's going on here. How come there's no TV around here?"


Someone replied, "oh. It's coz of the Tele-ban".

I won a TV from Kellogs and need to get it fixed

But I cant find the cereal number

Which means "No Tv for you!" in Russian?

Njetflix

My dentist has a TV on the ceiling so the patient can watch shows while he works

Netflix and Drill

They say an 80s D&D TV show couldn't work on a modern internet streaming platform

But Stranger Things has happened.

A man rushes home late from work, slams the door open and plops himself down on the sofa. He turns on the tv and looks at his wife “quick” he says “get me a beer and some food before it starts!”

The wife gets up slowly looking startled but slightly excited. She wanders into the kitchen and comes back quickly with a beer and some food for her husband.

The man gulps down the beer and looks back to his wife “quick!” He says “get me another beer before it starts!” The man goes back to fl...

Who says sitting at home watching TV all day can't be rewarding?

In fact, I just got atrophy from it!

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As I was approaching my driveway, I saw a big black man running away with a TV in his hands and I wondered if it was mine.

Upon entering my house, I was relieved to see that mine was at home polishing my shoes.

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My black friend said he doesn't watch the tv show "Friends," because it's racist.

How can it be racist though when it doesn't even have black people in it?!?

I lost my tv controller somewhere

It's in some remote location

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The county's eldest man had just turn a 100 years old and local tv was reporting on the event...

The reporter had her crew set up in the living room of the retirement home where the man, born in 1919, was watching days pass by.

She sat on a chair in front of him, ready to start taping the feel-good segment of the night's local news.

"I'm with mister James Woodson, our county's eld...

The new 3D tv I bought is super realistic!

I dozed off while watching a documentary on the Catholic Church and when I woke up the house smelled of incense and my 7 year-old son was missing.

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How do you get seven sexy clowns to stop watching TV at your house?

Respond quickly please. My parents will be home any minute.

How‘s a ban on watching TV called in Russia?

Nyetflix

There was a great TV show about lumberjacks.

But it got axed.

Which TV station smells the best?

Chanel 5

TV Show Pitch: 30 Unvaccinated Kids Live in a House Together

We'll call it Survivor.

TIL that Sir Paul McCartney once turned down nearly $64 million to appear on an American talk show because he wanted to stay home and watch his favorite sport on TV.

It was *Ellen* or rugby.

I went to buy a new TV and told the sales guy "I don't care what type it is as long as it's not 3D"

He drew me a picture of one.

Working on an underfunded TV show is really hard

All those involved deserve some props

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed...

A man was selling his TV

A man was selling his TV on his front porch with a sign that says "$1". A bloke walks by and asks

'You're selling your TV for only a dollar?

'Yep.'

'It looks brand new!'

'It is.'

'What's wrong with it?'

'The volume is turned all the way up and you can't chan...

A guy was screaming at the TV “Run idiot, run!”

His wife walked in and asked “Are you watching a horror movie?”. He said “No. It’s our wedding tape”

What's the difference between a G-spot and a TV remote?

Men will actually search for a TV remote.

An old man is sitting on the couch watching TV until he gets a phone call...

The man says, “Hello sir, This is Bill from the IRS, we need you to come in at 9am tomorrow to discuss some large amounts of money coming into your account.”

“Ok, I’ll be there.”

“Thank you, see you tomorrow.”

The old man thought to himself, “I probably need a lawyer, huh?”...

TIL: ”Buckwheat” from the “Little Rascals” tv show converted to Islam...

His new name is “Kareem O Wheat”

A blonde entered a technology and appliance store to purchase a new TV.

When she found one she liked, she brought it to the cashier, saying “I would like to buy this TV, please.”

The cashier replied, “sorry, but I don’t sell to blondes.”

Discouraged and still determined to buy the TV, she went to the salon, dyed her hair brown, and returned to the same sto...

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[NSFW] Frank was happy in the old folks home with Charlotte always holding his member under the blanket on his wheelchair as they watched TV.

Then one day, Charlotte noticed that Frank wasn't around. When this happened, Charlotte went looking for Frank, fearing the worst had happened to him. After a bit of searching, Charlotte came across Frank, in his wheelchair, watching TV with another woman. Charlotte noticed the blanket vibrating vig...

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A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game...

After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment: Write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is a city in Africa.

After the three minutes had passed, the priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:



"I was a...

Why are there so many ‘parental advisory’ notices on tv programmes lately?

My mum’s getting really sick of me phoning.

What’s a squirrels favorite way to watch TV?

Nut-flix!

A joke my 8 y/o daughter made up this morning. Thought it was pretty good!

One day TV is broadcasting about a gun shot in campus and the experts analyze that it is linked to the murder's massive time in playing violence video game.

Mum: No sense, my son is always playing dating sims and he still unable to find a girlfriend.

I saw a TV for sale for 1$

I saw that the TV was in very good condition.

"Why is it so cheap? " I asked the seller

"The volume is stuck at max, and it can't be turned down" he replied

"So everything else works?" I asked

He turned it on, and sure enough everything worked, except the volume

...

My dog just chewed up a TV remote

And he is not even remotely sorry

Seems like there are very few products made in America any more. I just bought a TV and it said,

Built in Antenna.

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An elderly married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a porn channel and a fishing channel. The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's Sake, Dave. leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

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You can't have that TV until....

Long ago, a teenage kid went into an electronics store in New York. He really liked this TV and he wanted to buy it. Since his dad was very rich, he knew he could purchase it no matter what. So heads up to the store owner and asks him, "How much for that TV?" The store owner says, "That TV is not fo...

I just watched a TV show where a bunch of stoners are sitting around having mild arguments.

It’s a mellow drama.

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My new TV proudly mentions "BUILT IN ANTENNA" on the box in came in

Where the fuck is that?

I was watching the weather on TV tonight and the forecaster said, "And because of the cold front coming in from North-East, we can expect about 5 inches of snow." She then glared off camera and continued...

"Or as my colleague Bill would say, 8 inches."

What do you call the first episode of a TV series with a predominantly black cast?

A pilot, you racist

I came home from work yesterday to find that someone broke into my home. it seemed like they didn't really take a whole lot. My TV, my PS4 and my legos were fine. But the room was dark, even when I tried to turn on the lights. Seems the only thing that was taken were my lightbulbs and a couple lamps

I was delighted.

An elderly woman was watching tv one afternoon

There was a story on the news about a driver on the freeway driving the wrong way

She knew her husband was going to the store, so she called him

“Dear be careful, there is a car on the freeway driving the wrong way!”

“One!?, There’s hundreds of them!”

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When I was younger, I used to put porn on the TV when my parents went shopping.

The Best Buy employees didn't really appreciate it though.

Why did the banker like the TV show?

Because he was invested in the story.

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[OC] I saw a Japanese martial artist, I've seen him on tv before so I excitedly waved at him. He was confused and said "I don't believe we've met"

I said "I recognize Judo".

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There is nothing wrong with sex on TV

...as long as you don't fall off.

A TV weatherman broke both his legs and arms in an accident...

...he had to call in from the hospital to explain his four casts.

When it's sunny, I think, beer garden! When it rains, I usually go to the bar for a while. When it's snowing, I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of beer.

I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather…

I saw an ad in a shop window, "TV for $5- Volume stuck on full"

Couldn't turn it down.

Russian man is watching weather forecast on TV and they say that it's -50°C in Siberia today...

In disbelief he calls his Siberian friend:

\- Hey, I've heard is super cold in Siberia these days?

\- Nah, it's nothing special, about -25°.

\- Yeah? On TV they've said it's -50° C!

\- Ah, this must be outside.

There was an overweight guy who was watching TV...

....A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catc...

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My friend said: "I was in a TV show called "Run away from the big homo and win $1000!!""

I asked: "Wow, were you able to get away?"

Friend: "I caught three people!"

Remember back in the day, when your TV wouldn't work, you'd bang it a few times?

I tried that with my dishwasher, but unfortunately, she ended up pregnant...

I founded John Lennon Television, and now we’re the second biggest subscription TV service in the UK.

Above us, only Sky.

If you advertise your big new TV by putting the box out in the trash, I'm gonna steal it.

My cardboard fort only needs a few more pieces.

What did our grandparents do without TV or internet?

I don't know. Ask your mom and her 6 siblings.

A Tv-crew is sent to interview a farmer before the election.

"Could you please share with our viewers, how has the past year been for you?"

"Well, you know I can't complain. I had a very good harvest of wheat, so my family definitely won't go hungry. My vegetable patches brought in amazing organic crops, I was able to sell those at a good profit. And ...

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A well known TV Evangelists is booking into a posh hotel.

He tells the duty manager, "I hope the porn channel is set to disabled."

The manager looks at him and replies, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard!"

I thought of an idea for a new reality TV show...

It's about a group of Middle Easter Islamic terrorists that are entering their 40s. They stop buying an excessive amount of guns and explosives and instead start purchasing luxery cars and motorcycles. I call the show Midlife ISIS.

What do you call a TV show discussing renewable energy?

The solar panel

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Damn girl are you a TV Dinner?

Because you look fucking disgusting.

What is Isaac Newton's favorite TV show?

Gravity Falls

What do odd numbers and reality TV stars in common?

They literally can't even

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I think there is something wrong with my TV.

An advert has just come on with a white , married heterosexual couple in it.

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A mother, father, and their young son are sitting on the couch watching tv

The boy is eating some yogurt, and his mom asks him how he likes it. He replies “it’s fucking great you moron”.
The mom is very upset so she looks at her husband and asks “where do you think he got that from?”, and he replies “from the fucking fridge, moron”.

A man is watching tv with his dog.

He looks at it and says.

Man: I wish you could talk, then I could make a ton of money.

Dog: No one will believe you...

My friend told this very NSFW joke during some TV recording training, got asked to tell something different.

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period?

You get your palm red for free.

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A man is watching TV in his living room one evening, and the doorbell rings.

He gets up and answers the door, but doesn't see anyone. He looks down and sees a large garden snail on his welcome mat. Without a word, he picks it up and chucks it as far as he can out into the street.

Six months later, same man is watching TV in his living room one evening and the doorbel...

What do you call Mick Jagger and Keith Richards both found dead with their eyes taped open in front of the TV?

Killing two Stones with one Birdbox.



*I'll show myself out...*

Two ducks just walked across my tv

Must have been a double bill.

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There should be a TV show were participants compete in relay to get ingredients from high ropes obstacle course.

The steaks couldn't be higher!

Normally I hate those trashy, fake, rigged reality TV shows...

But I might watch the presidential debate tonight anyway.

What is the hare's favorite horror show on TV?

Fox News.

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