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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

Just been diagnosed with the dreaded ‘Peek-a-Boo virus’...



I’m being transferred to ICU.

I was just diagnosed as colorblind

It seemed obvious to everyone else but I guess I never connect the dots.

My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD.

Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane.

Anyone know how to diagnose a guy with erectile disfunction? Anyone?

Come on guys, it's really not that hard

A wife comes home one day and tells her husband she has been diagnosed as suffering from split personality syndrome.

“I thought you were just role playing”, replied the husband.

“No, but my psychologist has given me two options, live with it or lose one of the personalities” she says. “What do you think I should do”?

The husband thinks for a moment, “remind me dear, which one likes it in the ass”?

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I went to see a psychic after being diagnosed with cancer

I saw a psychic to find out what my future held after being diagnosed with cancer.

She told me I was in a serious fight with my son.

I said, "I don't have a son."

She said, "Yeah, Leukemia is a bastard."

The doctor just diagnosed me with Kleptomania By Proxy

But I didn't take it personally.

I got some bad news today. I was diagnosed with the big C.

Dyslexia.

I have this rare condition where I may get consecutive numbers mixed up, and my friend just got diagnosed recently.

I thought I was the only two.

What do you call two friends who have both been diagnosed with Mesothelioma?

Asbesties

I've been diagnosed with temporomandibular joint dysfunction

Can't wait to get back to the daily grind.

Guys, bad news... I have been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.

Docs call it feefiphobia.

How many pathologists does it take to diagnose a malignancy?

10....because one less would benign.

God will protect me from COVID-19.

A good Christian man walked into Walmart and was offered a mask by the store greeter. The man politely declined saying God would protect him from Covid. Later the man went to his doctor for a routine check up. The doctor told him everything is fine and they also have all three different types of the...

The influencer was diagnosed with paranoia.

He believed nobody was following him.

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

I was diagnosed with aphantasia today.

I can't imagine how it's going to affect my life really.

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Diagnose

Yesterday my doctor diagnosed me with a disease which will ruin my sex life forever.
Your probably thinking Gonorrhea, Chlamydia or Aids!
It's much worse than that!
I've got arthritis in my hands!

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

Why God? Why?

One day a fellow was watching Fox News and learned about a new virus that was rapidly spreading and quickly killing those who got sick with it. The nightly news reports got worse and worse, this Covid-19 virus was spreading around the world and killing increasingly large numbers of people. But he wa...

A young doctor an an old doctor were standing in a hospital, trying to out-diagnose each other.

The competition was heating up, and the next correct diagnosis would be the winner.

Just then an old man hobbles by, walking carefully with short, shuffling steps. He has an IV tower with him and appears to be leaning on it for support.

The young doctor snaps his fingers and says “I g...

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Elbow

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drugstore that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose you...

I have been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac

I'm taking something for it three times a day.

So a horse is in a farm...

A horse is in a farm when one day he finds a website that claims it can teach any farm animal music.

"That's amazing," thinks the horse "I've always wanted to learn to sing."

He signs up for the website, and within a few weeks he is an incredible singer.

Impressed, he tells his ...

After I'm gone...

A woman walked outside a doctor’s office after recently being diagnosed with cancer. She was grieving but tried to compose herself in front of her daughter, who was waiting for her outside.

She broke the news to her daughter by saying, “We women celebrate every news, whether good or bad. I ha...

The worst part about my wife being diagnosed with epilepsy is

when I ask her where she wants to get pizza, she can't decide between Shakey's and Little Seizures

A man goes to the doctor because his eye has been bothering him

As soon as he walks in the doctor takes one look at him and says "You have eye cancer."

The man is shocked and asks the doctor, "You are able to diagnose someone with eye cancer by just taking one look at them?!"

And the doctor slowly replies, "Eye cancer."

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"I've been diagnosed with a rare disease."

"Whenever I sneeze it gives me an orgasm."

"Oh wow, that must be embarrassing. Are you taking anything for it?"

"Pepper."

My Executive Assistant just got diagnosed with Covid.

That means my Secretary is nsfw

Basic Psychology

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrol...

My doctor diagnosed me with Onomatopoeia....

It’s exactly what it sounds like.

I was trying to self diagnose my skin condition by using WebMD...

...then I thought, without professional advice its best not to make any rash decisions.

“A man being diagnosed”

The doctor said, “pick a star sign, any star sign”.
The man said, “Uh, Capricorn”,
The doctor replied,”sorry mate, you got Cancer”

A doctor changes Careers.

A Gynecologist is tired of dealing with Insurance companies and decides to become an auto mechanic. He studies hard, and for the final, he needs to diagnose and rebuild an engine. He need an 80 to pass an become a certified Mechanic.

He takes test, and waits for his score.

He g...

Chuck Norris diagnosed with Covid-19

Coronavirus now in quarantine for 14 days

Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well.

Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese.

My Grandfather really liked Fall Out Boy

I never understood why, considering the age gap between him and the band. Every week, I’d go sit with him on his porch and we’d listen to the band, jamming out to some sick tunes and laughing our hearts out at each other’s awful singing. Unfortunately as time passed, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer’...

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness

That came out of nowhere

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A man was diagnosed with infertility

Even after trying several meds he couldn't find cure. One day he was suggested by a friend to visit a miraculous hermit outside the town who claimed to cure all kinds of ailments. The man visits the hermit and describes his problem.

The hermit said: "I have a solution. Here are 2 magical cond...

I was just diagnosed with color blindness...

... it came completely out of the purple.

The Rock and his family just got diagnosed with Covid-19

No one at his home can smell what he's cooking tonight.

What did the veterinarian diagnose the elderly dog with who couldn’t stop shaking its paws?

Pawkinson’s



(I made this one up so it might need a bit of work)
Alternate version includes a dog with barkinson’s who can’t stop barking lol

They didn’t remove the right one.

Request: Little brother was just diagnosed with testicular cancer. Lefty is a goner, but as the older brother, I feel the obligation to have some good jokes ready to help him feel better. Unfortunately the title is as good as funny as I get, so please help a brother out. Thanks.
Edit he’s in his ...

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD,

I told him that it was impossible because there is no disorder in my life

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

*One never knows,,, A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"

One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew he...

My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's.

It was a lot to process and the road ahead won't be easy,

but hey! At least I don't have cancer!!

I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness.

It came out of the green.

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When the doctor diagnosed me with dyslexia

It was music to my arse

My doctor diagnosed me with eczema but I think they're overreacting

It's just a little rash.

I was diagnosed as colour blind today.

It came completely out the yellow.

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

Why did the doctor diagnose Trump with autocannibalism?

Because he's full of himself.

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

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A guy went to the doctors and asks the doctor to diagnose his problem. The doctor said you have to quit masturbating...why asks the man

So I can tell you whats wrong with you, says the doctor.

I was diagnosed with the corona virus at a brothel and the whole place was immediately quarantined.

Jeez, now I'll be stuck here for two weeks.

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My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.

Im worried shitless

I just got diagnosed as colorblind.

I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.

My father was diagnosed with alzheimer's last year, so I've gotten really good at introducing myself...

To all of mom's new boyfriends.

Prince Charles diagnosed with Covid-19. Camilla has been cleared

Apparently horses can’t get the virus

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Bill suffered an excruciating pain in his balls since childhood. No doctor could ever diagnose what was wrong with them. So finally, they suggested him to get them operated.

After the operation, now being a free man, with slightly lesser pain than earlier, he was happy and wanted to start his life afresh. So he went to the garments shop closest to the hospital.

'Excuse me, I'd like to buy a suit, could you please take my measures?' said Bill to the owner of the s...

Russia has identified the first Russian to be diagnosed with coronavirus.

Ivan Chestikoff.

My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD.

Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

Guys, I am diagnosed with multi personality disorder!

Hahaha, me too

A resident of St. Louis was recently diagnosed with depression

He's living in Missouri.

Mental illness joke. (I have this illness so I'm laughing at myself) I used to have a beautiful girlfriend who loved and cherished me before I got diagnosed with Schizophrenia

Then they put me on some pills and she disappeared

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existance of certain 80s bands..

there is no cure

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I've been diagnosed with a disease that causes intense headaches, confusion, and a complete inability to have sex. Luckily there's a cure.

Divorce.

A cat goes to the doctor to get diagnosed

He goes to his office and says:

Cat:"Doc, the last few weeks have been really rough, My head is starting to hurt a lot and my tummy hurts"

Doctor:"Well, those are common symptoms for...Damn it I forgot what's its called!"

Cat:"C'mon doc, I'm dying from curiosity"

Doctor:"...

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Wife says to husband.

Wife: I can't believe it, first I am diagnosed with dyslexia.

Now I have tiny tits.

Husband: Tinnitus babe Tinnitus..

The biggest problem I’ve been having after being diagnosed with Alzheimer’s is after I wake up

I don’t know if the women in bed is my wife or if I should pay her.

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After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

My Doctor has just diagnosed me with paranoia.

He didn't actually say it.

But I know what he was thinking.

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Doc : You have been diagnosed with obesity.

Me : Yeah it runs in my family.

Doc : Nobody runs in your family, you fat fuck.

A heavy metal fan was diagnosed with coronavirus

He’s down with the sickness

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

I just got diagnosed with color blindness.

I gotta say this diagnosis came out of the orange.

Every 3 minutes, someone is diagnosed with dementia

Poor lad keeps forgetting he has it

My car was making a really strange noise last night. I went online to diagnose it...

Turns out, my car has cancer.

A lady’s dog is diagnosed as hard of hearing...

Her vet says it’s because of the hair growing in its ears. So, she goes to the pharmacist with a prescription for a hair removal ointment.

The pharmacist tells her: “ If it’s for under your arms, use a quarter cup, if it’s for your legs, use a full cup.”

She says, “actually, it’s fo...

The WHO told Trump 654 Brazilian people were diagnosed with Covid-19 so far

He said “My god that’s almost a trillion!”

My friend told me he was diagnosed with HIV

I told him to stay positive

When I Got Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder.

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry .

Ever since I was diagnosed with dyscalculia, I don’t trust anyone anymore.

I can’t count on anybody.

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A woman comes into the ER with a blood pH of 10. How does the doctor diagnose her?

A basic bitch

Why is autism less frequently diagnosed in non vaccinated kids?

You gotta be alive to have autism.

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving

A man is diagnosed with cancer, so he decides to take up skydiving to make the most of his time left. He goes up in a plane, jumps out, pulls the rip cord, and nothing happens. He pulls the rip cord on the backup parachute, and nothing happens. He says, "Good thing the doctor told me I had six month...

Always diagnose before you treat...

A woman walks into the dermatologists office complaining about a rash on her chest. The doctor asks to take a look, so she removes her shirt, revealing a large, red 'H' on her skin. Believing this to be a case of contact dermatitis, the doctor asks her what could have caused this. "Well", she said, ...

My doctor diagnosed me this morning.

He said I have short term... something.... I just can't remember.

Doctor: sir I have two bad diagnoses for you...

Doctor: sir I have two bad diagnoses for you, one is that you have worst diarrhoea I have ever seen.
Patient: what's the other one then?
Doctor: you also have very bad amnesia, you can't remember anything from last 15 seconds.
Patient: well at least I don't have diarrhoea.

My friend is really struggling in trying to make clothes for people diagnosed as anorexic.

It's not really a growing market.

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A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer...

A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor tells her she doesn't have long. The husband is devastated.

On the way home the husband asks his wife if there is anything he can do for her, a fantasy she's never had fulfilled.

So the wife says, "Well, I've never had cunnilin...

My doctor just diagnosed me as suffering from xenophobia.

I bet I caught it from one of those bloody foreigners.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was diagnosed as bipolar, without any sort of medical examination

He was caught fucking a female polar bear and a male penguin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was diagnosed with constipation 4 times this week.......

Guess I don't give a shit anymore.

My 91 year old grandfather went to the heart doctor and was diagnosed with TMDB.

Too Many Damn Birthday's.


^^true ^^story

My doctor recently diagnosed me with Alzheimer's

Luckily I was able to go home and forget about it.

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A person, diagnosed with HIV for years, decides to visit a wise old sage.

The person visits the wise man and asks him, "I am very depressed with my life. What should I do? Please gives me guidance, O wise man!"

The old man says, "When life gives you lemons, made lemonade."

The person then walks out.

Days pass by but the person is still as sad with hi...

I was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease.

I was shaken by the news!

Who was the first man diagnosed with erectile dysfunction?

Cain.

He wasn't Abel.

Diagnose

Doctor: Well, those results look bad...
Patient: How bad are they?
Doctor: It depends, how old are you?
Patient: I will be 24 soon.
Doctor: Pffff, no you won't.

My nan has been diagnosed with a hereditary brain disorder.

The main symptoms are forgetting what you were talking about, repeating yourself, repeating yourself, and a quarter pounder with cheese.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this 17 year old boy gets diagnosed with a terminal disease.....

The doctor tells the parents that he only have 3 days left to live, so the parents planned on making it the best 3 days of his life. Being their only child the wanted the best for him. they went to his favorite restaurant, went to the movies and went to an amusement park.
They rent a very expens...

Quick Diagnoses

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young doctor accompany him on his rounds, so that the community could become used to the new one.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my s...

A man diagnosed with cancer was given six months to live, but he worked hard and proved them wrong.

He killed himself three hours later.

I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was recently diagnosed with testicular cancer, and learned they will have to amputate one of my testicles.

Now that's TWO things I share in common with Lance Armstrong.

My best friend just got diagnosed with aphantasia

I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

My daughter was diagnosed with a pneumonia

I’m not sure where else to post this. This sub feels most fitting, but it’s been a long night. Please advise where it may be better suited if you’d like.

So our night sucked but had a silver lining in my two year old daughter’s comedic timing. We had to rush her to the ER at 3:00am (vomiting ...

I was recently diagnosed with a fear of all things Italian...

My psychiatrist named it "atsalottaphobia."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl, I'm no doctor but I can diagnose your condition...

You have acute butt

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with?

Meesathelioma.

Why shouldn’t you ask big favors of certain diagnosed patients?

They usually come with conditions

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