UPJOKE
analyzemedicinecanvassexamineanalysestudyexplorenamediagnosismedicationnoninvasivediagnosticdetecttreatcure

Diagnose Jokes

Just been diagnosed with the dreaded ‘Peek-a-Boo virus’...



I’m being transferred to ICU.

An Irishman is diagnosed with incurable cancer.

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and sad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

I was recently diagnosed with color-blindness.

It came out of the green.

My doctor diagnosed me with "Autocorrect Syndrome"

I didn't even know I was I'll.

I was just diagnosed with color blindness...

... it came completely out of the purple.

I was recently diagnosed with a fear of giants.

Fee-fi-phobia.

TIL in germany when someone is diagnosed with coeliac disease other coeliacs will chase and try and hit them with bread to make them feel welcomed.

It's called gluten tag.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doc : You have been diagnosed with obesity.

Me : Yeah it runs in my family.

Doc : Nobody runs in your family, you fat fuck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill complained to his friend that his elbow hurt, so his friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything.

He said ''Just insert a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he inserted the sam...

My parrot was just diagnosed with an STD.

Vet says he has Chirpees. He said there's no need for concern, because it's a Canarial disease, and it's tweetable.

After his wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer, a man goes to the local apothecary

"You have to help me," the man says. "The doctor said my wife is going to die on Wednesday."

"Say no more!" says the apothecary, and he gives the man a jar of pills. "Tell your wife to take these."

The man does as he's told and returns to the apothecary.

"Did it work?" the apoth...

I've been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac

I've been taking all kinds of stuff for it

I just got diagnosed having cellulitis in my leg.

Of course it hurts like hell. I'm just glad it wasn't higher: then it'd really be a pain in the ass!

When I was young, I was diagnosed with dyslexia and now...? ADD

I don't think I have the mental focus to be a father.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist just diagnosed me as a people’s person…

..but he insists it’s called multiple personality disorder.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Diagnose

Yesterday my doctor diagnosed me with a disease which will ruin my sex life forever.
Your probably thinking Gonorrhea, Chlamydia or Aids!
It's much worse than that!
I've got arthritis in my hands!

My wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer...

Doctor told us that mastectomy will be necessary.

Today, I went online to see if there is any alternative...

...

Emma, 28 years old, NY. Looks cute...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just been diagnosed with Gloria Gaynor disease...

At first I was afraid, I was petrified. Until the doc told me that I will survive.

A lawyer gets diagnosed with a terminal Illness.

On his deathbed, he asks for a Bible. The hospital staff thinks he has become religious now that his end is near. The doctor notices him going through every line carefully with a grave expression, so he asks, "what are you doing?". The lawyer looks up and replies dryly, "looking for a loophole."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist just diagnosed me with bipolar disorder and extreme indecisiveness.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

My doctor diagnosed me with schizophrenia and ADHD.

Which means I hear voices but not for long enough to drive me insane.

I got diagnosed with tourettes today

guess it's time to tic that off my to-do list.

Anyone know how to diagnose a guy with erectile disfunction? Anyone?

Come on guys, it's really not that hard

Just been to the doctors and she diagnosed me as paranoid…

We’ll, she didn’t say that but I know that’s what she was thinking.

Just been diagnosed with Swedish flat pack syndrome.

Sadly I have no IKEA what it means.

I just got diagnosed with color blindness.

I gotta say this diagnosis came out of the orange.

There was an old man who was diagnosed with hearing loss

Little by little, he couldn't hear certain words. Sooner or later he couldn't hear much at all. He explained to his wife the doctor told him the only phrase he'll still hear is "I love you". For the next 3 weeks, the only thing he could hear was "I love you". From early morning to late at night his ...

How many pathologists does it take to diagnose a malignancy?

10....because one less would benign.

what was the emo robot diagnosed with?

self destructive behaviour

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

Eminem has just become the first celebrity to be diagnosed with Coronavirus.

In a statement released by doctors, it has been revealed that his palms were sweaty, knees weak and arms were heavy. He presented with vomit on his sweater already. Initial testing has revealed it was mums spaghetti.

I was diagnosed as colour blind today.

It came completely out the yellow.

Always diagnose before you treat...

A woman walks into the dermatologists office complaining about a rash on her chest. The doctor asks to take a look, so she removes her shirt, revealing a large, red 'H' on her skin. Believing this to be a case of contact dermatitis, the doctor asks her what could have caused this. "Well", she said, ...

A man, at a routine checkup, is diagnosed with terminal brain cancer.

Doctor: I'm sorry. At this stage, the cancer has spread too far for us to stop. Our treatments will only postpone the inevitable.

Patient: Doc, please! Isn't there anything- anything at all- that you can do?

Doctor: Well... there is one thing. I don't know if it'll help, though.
...

Diagnose

Doctor: Well, those results look bad...
Patient: How bad are they?
Doctor: It depends, how old are you?
Patient: I will be 24 soon.
Doctor: Pffff, no you won't.

Why did the doctor diagnose Trump with autocannibalism?

Because he's full of himself.

I was just diagnosed as colorblind

It seemed obvious to everyone else but I guess I never connect the dots.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A doctor diagnoses someone with diabetes

Doc: Your diagnosis is type 2 diabetes.

Patient: It runs in my family.

Doc: Nothing runs in your family, you fat cunt

Me: I was recently diagnosed with Hyphil. My Wife: What’s Hyphil?

Me: Hi, Phil Swift here with Flex Tape! The super-strong waterproof tape that can instantly patch, bond, seal, and repair! Flex tape is no ordinary tape; its triple thick adhesive virtually welds itself to the surface, instantly stopping the toughest leaks. Leaky pipes can cause major damage, but Fl...

A man is diagnosed with cancer and has 3 days to live

So he grabs his son to go to the bar. For two days the man and his son drink and have fun. Eventually some of his friends notice the strange behavior. They approach him and ask, “What’s wrong?” The man says “ I got diagnosed with HIV and only have one more day to live.” The friends give their condo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer...

A man's wife is diagnosed with terminal cancer. The doctor tells her she doesn't have long. The husband is devastated.

On the way home the husband asks his wife if there is anything he can do for her, a fantasy she's never had fulfilled.

So the wife says, "Well, I've never had cunnilin...

“A man being diagnosed”

The doctor said, “pick a star sign, any star sign”.
The man said, “Uh, Capricorn”,
The doctor replied,”sorry mate, you got Cancer”

I was diagnosed with antisocial behaviour disorder, so I joined a support group.

We never meet.

I was diagnosed with aphantasia today.

I can't imagine how it's going to affect my life really.

I have been diagnosed as a kleptomaniac

I'm taking something for it three times a day.

The influencer was diagnosed with paranoia.

He believed nobody was following him.

Chuck Norris diagnosed with Covid-19

Coronavirus now in quarantine for 14 days

What kind of cancer was Jar Jar diagnosed with?

Meesathelioma.

The ghost busters enterd the hospital to see their friend who has been diagnosed with cancer

When they walk in they’re stopped by a doctor who says
-Sorry no spawn camping

I just got diagnosed as colorblind.

I know, it certainly has come out of the purple.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I've been diagnosed with a rare disease."

"Whenever I sneeze it gives me an orgasm."

"Oh wow, that must be embarrassing. Are you taking anything for it?"

"Pepper."

My son has been diagnosed with eczema, so I've made him a playlist to cheer him up.

Hopefully he likes Simply Red.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When the doctor diagnosed me with dyslexia

It was music to my arse

Yesterday I was diagnosed with ADD ( attention deficit disorder ) ...

I always suspected I had it, but I never paid any attention to it before.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCD,

I told him that it was impossible because there is no disorder in my life

(Long) A man is forced to get a checkup by his health insurance. The doctor excitedly says “we just got this new machine that can accurately diagnose any condition you may have - you just need to pee in this cup…”

The man is like, “what the hell” and pee’s in the cup. The doc comes back with the results and says: “you have a strained elbow.” The man is enraged and says how THE HELL can you say I have a sprained elbow from my PEE?? The doc says, the machine is always accurate. The man “leaving the office fumin...

I was trying to self diagnose my skin condition by using WebMD...

...then I thought, without professional advice its best not to make any rash decisions.

I've been diagnosed with temporomandibular joint dysfunction

Can't wait to get back to the daily grind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor diagnosed me with anxiety and constipation.

Im worried shitless

Stephen Hawking diagnosed with erectile dysfunction.

It was easy to fix, they just uninstalled his pop-up blocker.

A guy was watching TV and his wife came in and said, "The car won't start. I think there's water in the carburetor."

The guy was annoyed and said, "You don't even know what a carburetor is, let me diagnose the problem...where's the car?" And his wife said, "In the pond in front of our house."

The doctor just diagnosed me with Kleptomania By Proxy

But I didn't take it personally.

I've been diagnosed with a type of amnesia where I deny the existence of certain 80's bands...

There is no cure...

I think I have anxiety, but I don’t want to be diagnosed by a doctor

I’m worried if they tell me I don’t have it, I would’ve wasted their time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to see a psychic after being diagnosed with cancer

I saw a psychic to find out what my future held after being diagnosed with cancer.

She told me I was in a serious fight with my son.

I said, "I don't have a son."

She said, "Yeah, Leukemia is a bastard."

Every 3 minutes, someone is diagnosed with dementia

Poor lad keeps forgetting he has it

A young doctor an an old doctor were standing in a hospital, trying to out-diagnose each other.

The competition was heating up, and the next correct diagnosis would be the winner.

Just then an old man hobbles by, walking carefully with short, shuffling steps. He has an IV tower with him and appears to be leaning on it for support.

The young doctor snaps his fingers and says “I g...

Prince Charles diagnosed with COVID-19

The queen will have a receding heir line

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got diagnosed with kleptomania.

My therapist reccomends I take something for it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The doctor says, "I have this great new machine that's coming in tomorrow. You give me a urine sample and the machine will diagnose exactly what's wrong with you. Bring me a sample tomorrow and we'll run it through."

Ron thinks this is a load of crap so he decides to play a trick on the doctor. He collects urine samples from his wife, his teenage daughter, his young son, and his dog, and finally, jerks off into the vial. He takes it to the doctor and can hardly contain his smirk when the doctor pours it in the m...

What did the veterinarian diagnose the elderly dog with who couldn’t stop shaking its paws?

Pawkinson’s



(I made this one up so it might need a bit of work)
Alternate version includes a dog with barkinson’s who can’t stop barking lol

A man is diagnosed with a terminal illness...

He goes to his friend who is also a doctor for a second opinion.

Doctor says, "I've reviewed the test results- You've only got about 6 months left to live." The man says, "Doc give it to me strait is there anything I can do?!" Doc says, "As a your doctor or as your friend?" - "as a friend, do...

My doctor diagnosed me with cancer and Alzheimer's.

It was a lot to process and the road ahead won't be easy,

but hey! At least I don't have cancer!!

My doctor diagnosed me this morning.

He said I have short term... something.... I just can't remember.

I've recently been diagnosed as delusional.

Edit: Thanks for my first Reddit gold, people!

I was diagnosed with Narcissictic Personality Disorder...

....or as I call it, Handsome Disease.

I got some bad news today. I was diagnosed with the big C.

Dyslexia.

What do you call two friends who have both been diagnosed with Mesothelioma?

Asbesties

A cat goes to the doctor to get diagnosed

He goes to his office and says:

Cat:"Doc, the last few weeks have been really rough, My head is starting to hurt a lot and my tummy hurts"

Doctor:"Well, those are common symptoms for...Damn it I forgot what's its called!"

Cat:"C'mon doc, I'm dying from curiosity"

Doctor:"...

A heavy metal fan was diagnosed with coronavirus

He’s down with the sickness

An old man, a schoolboy, a lawyer, a doctor, and a community service worker are all on a plane with only four parachutes when...

The pilot of the plane has a stroke and passes away. As the plane plummets its passengers to death the five members of the aircraft argue over who deserve to have the four bags containing the parachutes.

Social Worker: I deserve to live because I protect vulnerable children and support famili...

Prince Charles diagnosed with Covid-19. Camilla has been cleared

Apparently horses can’t get the virus

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness

That came out of nowhere

I was recently diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease.

I was shaken by the news!

The Rock and his family just got diagnosed with Covid-19

No one at his home can smell what he's cooking tonight.

I was recently diagnosed as schizophrenic

but I don't trust that opinion because that voice knows nothing about psychology

Who was the first man diagnosed with erectile dysfunction?

Cain.

He wasn't Abel.

Quick Diagnoses

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young doctor accompany him on his rounds, so that the community could become used to the new one.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my s...

A resident of St. Louis was recently diagnosed with depression

He's living in Missouri.

My car was making a really strange noise last night. I went online to diagnose it...

Turns out, my car has cancer.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hey girl, I'm no doctor but I can diagnose your condition...

You have acute butt

My daughter was diagnosed with a pneumonia

I’m not sure where else to post this. This sub feels most fitting, but it’s been a long night. Please advise where it may be better suited if you’d like.

So our night sucked but had a silver lining in my two year old daughter’s comedic timing. We had to rush her to the ER at 3:00am (vomiting ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After being diagnosed with a multiple personality disorder, I phoned my boss to tell him I'd need time off.

"You're self-employed you stupid bastard," I said.

I've been diagnosed with paranoia today.

If you ask me, this is only supposed to give me a false sense of security.

I just got diagnosed as colour blind!

I didn't expect that - it came straight out of the purple!

A penguin decides to take a road trip and drive across the country to see the world.

A penguin decides to take a road trip and drive across the country to see the world. So, he hops into his car and starts driving. He's cruising down the highway when suddenly, his car starts making strange noises, and smoke starts pouring out from under the hood.
Panicked, the penguin manages t...

Russia has identified the first Russian to be diagnosed with coronavirus.

Ivan Chestikoff.

My doctor diagnosed me with eczema but I think they're overreacting

It's just a little rash.

My doctor just diagnosed me as suffering from xenophobia.

I bet I caught it from one of those bloody foreigners.

A wife comes home one day and tells her husband she has been diagnosed as suffering from split personality syndrome.

“I thought you were just role playing”, replied the husband.

“No, but my psychologist has given me two options, live with it or lose one of the personalities” she says. “What do you think I should do”?

The husband thinks for a moment, “remind me dear, which one likes it in the ass”?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was diagnosed with constipation 4 times this week.......

Guess I don't give a shit anymore.

The doctor diagnosed me with hypochondria today.

I'm not surprised, I've had everything else.

A lady’s dog is diagnosed as hard of hearing...

Her vet says it’s because of the hair growing in its ears. So, she goes to the pharmacist with a prescription for a hair removal ointment.

The pharmacist tells her: “ If it’s for under your arms, use a quarter cup, if it’s for your legs, use a full cup.”

She says, “actually, it’s fo...

Why is autism less frequently diagnosed in non vaccinated kids?

You gotta be alive to have autism.

Sinatra is diagnosed with schizophrenia...

He goes to see a psychologist and starts talking about his split personalities.

One is the charismatic singer who can perform and woo crowds with his talent and charm.

The other is Steve, who is reserved and shy and can’t even speak in front of more than a few people.

He star...

My best friend just got diagnosed with aphantasia

I can’t imagine what he’s going through.

My psychiatrist diagnosed me with multiple personality disorder...

And now she's on the news, apparently she was murdered by one of her patients, wonder if I ever saw him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've just been diagnosed with paranoia and constipation.

I'm scared shitless.

Herb was diagnosed with cancer.

It was a basil-cell carcinoma.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.