Taxidermist Jokes

A friend of mine is a veterinarian.

He is also a taxidermist.

He has a sign on the side of his car that reads, “Either way, you get your dog back.”

“Oh, you know…stuff!"

Don’t play dead

Animal taxidermist

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

To get to the other hide

Nothing special ... just the usual stuff.

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”

“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the... read more

He sits at the bar, orders a drink, and notices everyone in the bar staring at him, including the bartender.

"Is something wrong?" The man asks the bartender.

"We don't see many people coming in here dressed like you, where you from?" The bartender asks in a heavy southern drawl.
... read more

Cuts ‘n Stuff

A taxidermist was traveling for a job in a rural area, and stopped off for a meal at a local bar and grill. After entering all eyes were on him, and he felt quite uncomfortable so he hurried to the bar to place an order to go, when he turned around he was surrounded with hillbillies glaring. The lea... read more

A taxidermist walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So, what do you do for a living?" the bartender asks. "Oh, you know," she replies. "Stuff."

Oh, you know... Stuff...

A man walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks at the man and says, "You're not from 'round here are ya?"

"No" replies the man, "I'm from New Hampshire." The bartender looks at him and says, "Well what do you do in New Hampshire?"

"I'm a taxidermist," ... read more

It was a real cat-ass-trophy

The taxidermist asks “Do you want these mounted?”

The hunter responds “No, holding hands would be just fine”

One stuffs and then mounts the animal; the other mounts and then stuffs it.

The taxidermist looks at the thousands of dried up bits of skin and then looks quizzically at the obstetrician -- who says "I don't know, just make something nice with them."

A couple months later, the taxidermist calls to say that the souvenir of the obstetrician's career is ready. When the ... read more

I'm still waiting to get it back.

Because he kept getting side tracked by pet projects

She kept going on about how she loved how he stuffed her beaver.

A taxidermist takes only your skin. [Mark Twain]

They both have rooms of stuffed animals.

Ba dum-tsssss

His deer rear career is in arrears

Guy walks into a taxidermists with two cardboard boxes, one under each arm.

"Yes sir, can I help you?" Asks the taxidermist.

"I hope so" replies the guy "It's my two pet monkeys you see... they were out playing in the road yesterday and a car came swerving round the corner, and they w... read more

"I'll send you the bill"

but I call OND CHILD a “skin dog” and suddenly I’m the WORST taxidermist in the state.

"No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."

He's also a trained taxidermist

He took them to the taxidermist, because he loved them and wanted to keep them with him forever.

The taxidermist said, "Do you want them mounted?"

John said, "No, just have them shaking hands."

(from a book of old jokes)

A taxidermist and his apprentice are working late into the night to get their big project done - a full size lion on a purpose built stand. This once-mighty big cat had been killed in a fight with another lion, and was being fixed up for display at a natural history museum. The taxidermist had skill... read more

A man from Pennsylvania walks into a bar in Tennessee, and he sits down to order a couple beers.

The bartender notices something *off* about him, and he goes to the man after he's done with his first two beers and asks, "You're not from around here, ain't cha?".

The man goes "Nah, I... read more

The two squirrels were the best of buds. One day, the man lets them outside to play and they both accidentally chase each other to the road where they get ran over.

He loved these guys so much, he decides to take them to a taxidermist so he can remember them forever.

The taxidermist ... read more

I had two pet monkeys who were the best of friends, they did everything together. They went to the park together, they bathed together and even shared each others food.

One day i decided to nip to the shop to buy some milk, and upon my return i found that one monkey had fallen off the balcon... read more

In hindsight, getting them at the taxidermist was probably a bad idea.

One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer.

All the other men in the bar looked at him and the bartender asked, "You're not from around here, are you lad?"

"No," replied the man, "I'm from London."

"So, boyo," said the bartender, "What do you do for a ... read more

So she took them to the taxidermist to get them stuffed. The taxidermist asked her "would you like them mounted?" "No" she replied, "just holding hands."

One of the bubbas at the pool table walks over looking for trouble. He asks, "Where you from, mister?" The guy replies that he's from San Francisco. The rednecks in the bar all laugh, and the bubba says, "So what do you do there in San Francisco?" The guy answers, "Well I'm a taxidermist." The bubb... read more

I must be the luckiest daughter in the world to have a dad who is both a taxidermist and a ventriloquist :)

but in a tragic accident, the entire front half of him blew up. To memorialize him, I took what was remaining of him to a taxidermist. Now, all I have to remember him by is a cat-ass-trophy.

...but he never appreciated them. Everytime we went to the taxidermist he’d start crying.

Me: I'm a taxidermist
Date: Oh... wow.
Fox: And a ventriloquist

There was a bar owner that recently adopted a pet Labrador. The dog instantly became a good friend to the pub regulars and was not long officially made the pub mascot. The mutt became a part of the pub, and everyone who went there was greeted by the licks and unconditional love of the creature.
... read more

Ted was the landlord of the Nag's Head pub. Every night, the same guys would turn up, have a few pints of beer, share a conversation and the occasional game of darts or dominoes. At 8pm every night, Ted would receive a visit from one of his other regulars - Champ, a stray dog who always came for a b... read more

My neighbor's pair of pet rabbits died unexpectedly within hours of each other. She was distraught. I suggested she go to my friend the taxidermist. When she arrived, my friend tried to console her and she asked him if he could create a memorial. "Of course", he replied. He explained that he could s... read more