A friend of mine is a veterinarian. He is also a taxidermist...

A friend of mine is a veterinarian.

He is also a taxidermist.

He has a sign on the side of his car that reads, “Either way, you get your dog back.”

What does a taxidermist do on Tuesdays?

Nothing special ... just the usual stuff.

My neighbor grew tired of being a taxidermist after 15 years, and went to veterinarian school.

His new business never got off the ground so he decided to operate both his taxidermy and vet business together to save money. His new slogan was: "No Matter What Happens - You Get Your Cat Back."

If you ever find yourself being chased by a pack of Taxidermists

Never play dead

Taxidermist

A taxidermist was traveling for a job in a rural area, and stopped off for a meal at a local bar and grill. After entering all eyes were on him, and he felt quite uncomfortable so he hurried to the bar to place an order to go, when he turned around he was surrounded with hillbillies glaring. The lea...

A hunter shot a lion and wanted its head mounted. Unfortunately, the taxidermist got it backwards.

It was a real cat-ass-trophy

A woman asked a man at bar (a taxidermist), what he does for a living.

"Oh, you know...stuff."

Did you hear what happened to the big game taxidermist who fell behind on his debt?

His deer rear career is in arrears

Why should you date a taxidermist?

Because if the relationship is dead they can make it look alive

A man is visiting friends in Alabama and decides he’s needs a drink so he goes to a local bar

He walks in and orders a glass of wine. Everyone sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see a flamboyant yankee. The bartender eyes him suspiciously and asks “ you ain’t from around here are you?”

“No sir,” He says, “I’m from Minnesota”

“ What the hell do you do in Minnesota” the...

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So a guy and a girl are on a blind date.

The girl says to the guy, “So, Gerry, what do you do for a living?”

Gerry immediately bends down to pick something up from under the table. He pulls out a stuffed gopher, and shows it to the girl. “Oh, yeah,” he says, “I’m a taxidermist.”

The girl replies with “Oh, that’s cool.”
...

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

A retiring obstetrician takes the bag of foreskins he collected during his career to a taxidermist.

The taxidermist looks at the thousands of dried up bits of skin and then looks quizzically at the obstetrician -- who says "I don't know, just make something nice with them."

A couple months later, the taxidermist calls to say that the souvenir of the obstetrician's career is ready. When the ...

What's the difference between a taxidermist and someone who practices bestiality?

One stuffs and then mounts the animal; the other mounts and then stuffs it.

A taxidermist from NY walks into a bar in Alabama

He sits at the bar, orders a drink, and notices everyone in the bar staring at him, including the bartender.

"Is something wrong?" The man asks the bartender.

"We don't see many people coming in here dressed like you, where you from?" The bartender asks in a heavy southern drawl.
...

A hunter takes two monkeys to a taxidermist…

The taxidermist asks “Do you want these mounted?”

The hunter responds “No, holding hands would be just fine”

Did you hear about the cannibalistic taxidermist who was always early to appointments?

His clock was a head.

A little old lady would feed two squirrels in her backyard everyday. One morning the old lady goes out to feed them and finds them dead. She decides she can't live without them and takes them to a taxidermist. She asks to have them stuffed. The taxidermist asked if she wanted them mounted...

"No!" She said. "Holding hands will be just fine."

What do taxidermists say when you don't have enough money to pay for a whole duck?

"I'll send you the bill"

The other day I overheard my wife on the phone with a taxidermist...

She kept going on about how she loved how he stuffed her beaver.

Guy walks into a taxidermists with two boxes, one under each arm...

Guy walks into a taxidermists with two boxes, one under each arm. He rings the bell and the owner appears and says "Yes sir, how can I help?"

"Well" says the guy "It's my two pet monkeys. They were playing football out in the street and weren't looking what they were doing and, well, they wer...

My uncle has the heart of a lion, the eyes of a hawk, and the legs of a cheetah

He's also a trained taxidermist

What's the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector?

A taxidermist takes only your skin. [Mark Twain]

I thought by now you'd realise

A taxidermist and his apprentice are working late into the night to get their big project done - a full size lion on a purpose built stand. This once-mighty big cat had been killed in a fight with another lion, and was being fixed up for display at a natural history museum. The taxidermist had skill...

It's so awesome to be able to talk to my mum again!

I must be the luckiest daughter in the world to have a dad who is both a taxidermist and a ventriloquist :)

A joke from my uncle about two monkeys who were best friends...

I had two pet monkeys who were the best of friends, they did everything together. They went to the park together, they bathed together and even shared each others food.

One day i decided to nip to the shop to buy some milk, and upon my return i found that one monkey had fallen off the balcon...

I had a pet cat,

but in a tragic accident, the entire front half of him blew up. To memorialize him, I took what was remaining of him to a taxidermist. Now, all I have to remember him by is a cat-ass-trophy.

There was a man who owned two pet squirrels...

The two squirrels were the best of buds. One day, the man lets them outside to play and they both accidentally chase each other to the road where they get ran over.

He loved these guys so much, he decides to take them to a taxidermist so he can remember them forever.

The taxidermist ...

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My nan's cat died last week, and I wanted to do something a bit special for her to remember him by.

So I called up a local taxidermist.
"How much to have my nan's cat stuffed and on a wooden plinth, pouncing on a terrified mouse?" I asked.
"About £1,500," came the reply.
"FFFFifteen **hundred** quid?! That's a bit steep, how about curled up like he's sleeping peacefully?"
"Abou...

I bought my daughter some stuffed animals for her birthday.

In hindsight, getting them at the taxidermist was probably a bad idea.

John has two monkeys that died within 24 hours of each other.

He took them to the taxidermist, because he loved them and wanted to keep them with him forever.

The taxidermist said, "Do you want them mounted?"

John said, "No, just have them shaking hands."

(from a book of old jokes)

Welsh pub

One day a man walked into a pub in Wales and ordered a pint of beer.

All the other men in the bar looked at him and the bartender asked, "You're not from around here, are you lad?"

"No," replied the man, "I'm from London."

"So, boyo," said the bartender, "What do you do for a ...

A guy walks into a backwoods Arkansas bar and orders a glass of white wine.

One of the bubbas at the pool table walks over looking for trouble. He asks, "Where you from, mister?" The guy replies that he's from San Francisco. The rednecks in the bar all laugh, and the bubba says, "So what do you do there in San Francisco?" The guy answers, "Well I'm a taxidermist." The bubb...

A bar owner and his dog

There was a bar owner that recently adopted a pet Labrador. The dog instantly became a good friend to the pub regulars and was not long officially made the pub mascot. The mutt became a part of the pub, and everyone who went there was greeted by the licks and unconditional love of the creature.
...

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A doctor has been doing circumcisions for 30 years, and he's collected all the foreskins. (NSFW)

He has them all in a box, and decides he should do something with them. He takes them to a taxidermist and asks him to make something out of them.

A few weeks later, he returns to the taxidermist, who pulls out a small box and sets it on the counter. The doctor opens the box and there is a wa...

Champ, the much-loved pub mascot.

Ted was the landlord of the Nag's Head pub. Every night, the same guys would turn up, have a few pints of beer, share a conversation and the occasional game of darts or dominoes. At 8pm every night, Ted would receive a visit from one of his other regulars - Champ, a stray dog who always came for a b...

[On a date] Date: So what do you do?

Me: I'm a taxidermist
Date: Oh... wow.
Fox: And a ventriloquist

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A man walks into a backwoods bar in Kentucky and orders a cosmopolitan.

A man walks into a backwoods bar in Kentucky and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks the man over and says, “Not from ’round here, are ya?” “No” replies the man, “I’m from Providence, Rhode Island.” The bartender looks at him and says, “Well what do ya do in Providence?” “I’m a taxidermist,” ...

Rabbits died

My neighbor's pair of pet rabbits died unexpectedly within hours of each other. She was distraught. I suggested she go to my friend the taxidermist. When she arrived, my friend tried to console her and she asked him if he could create a memorial. "Of course", he replied. He explained that he could s...

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