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Ventured Jokes

A man ventured into a restaurant that showed a sign saying Whatever you could eat, and we would get the bill to get paid by your grandchildren.

When he finished and about to leave the waiter brought him the bill, he snapped saying but you said my grandchildren were to pay, the waiter replied, sure but this one is for your grandfather.

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Appolcolypse

A zombie apocalypse had enveloped the earth. 99.9% of the world’s population had been annihilated and Carl, lone survivor, was venturing the land looking for somewhere to take shelter.

One day, he came across a prison. The place was full of people armed with swords, spears, axes and all kin...

Centuries ago, on a remote island in the North Atlantic...

Vikings arrived and began a settlement with help from their Irish thralls. But they weren't alone. All manner of otherworldly beings lurked in the island's hidden corners. The Vikings called these beings *vættir*; the Gaels called them *Aes Sídhe*.

Among these beings were the selkies who frol...

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Quack

A farmer is dying on his bed and debates on how he will split up the estate between his three sons. So he makes a contest and explains it to them that each with get a duck and who ever can get the most for the duck will inherit everything.

So the first son ventured out with his duck and spen...

In a public library, a man with his new library card questioned the blonde librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out vinyl records too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take you out?” he ventured.

*"Sir, the librarians are for reference only.”*

A weak little man applied for a job as a lumberjack...

...but the foreman refused to take him because he was too small. "I may look puny," protested the man, "but I'm not. Just give me a chance to show you my strength."

The foreman consented and told the man to go chop down a giant redwood that stood nearby. Half an hour later, to the foreman's s...

Ghost in the bathroom

One late night, after a drunken revelry, I silently slid into my bed and got a sudden urge to pee.

As I opened the bathroom door the light came on by itself.

I got scared and returned to bed, but unable to control the urge, ventured forth again. The light came on again and scared me ba...

Doberman

A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker bar in the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter? "A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, lo...

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The Ice Sculpture contest [OC]

Once upon a time an elderly couple ventured to an old town with not many inhabitants. The town being located fairly high up north as well as the harsh winter season lead to it not being the most prosperous place at the current time. Everyone there was cold, hungry and they mainly kept to their own. ...

The famed Montana Buffalo Steak

A cowboy rode to Montana to try the famed Buffalo Steak he had heard about in his travels. He ventured to a tribe of Natives and asked if they had ever herd of or eaten Buffalo steaks before. He of course did not speak their language, but they understood his silly gestures, nodded and equally gestur...

A Woman & a Shepard

(Preface: My father told me this joke when I was little.)

There once was a woman who was sick of all the blonde jokes she had been the victim of. So, she decided to make a change - she dyed her hair, freshened up her wardrobe, even bought herself a new car. Feeling like a bee person, she vent...

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Two ants met in this woman’s belly button; one decides to go north while the other goes south.

Seven days later, they returned to the belly button. “I had a great time,” reported the ant who had ventured north. “There were these two big hills, and every day I went skiing, and at night I slept in this nice warm valley.”

“I had a hell of a time,” sighed the other ant. “First I had to wal...

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His Native American girlfriend was really shy...

...so, when she came to visit him at college, he hid her away in a hotel pretty far away from his school. He knew how crude his schoolmates could be and it wouldn't do for her to be exposed to such filth as these cretins would be likely to subject her to.

The whole week that she visited, she ...

A boy and his mother were walking towards their local MRT..

They were heading to the main City in order to buy some food supplies, they did this every week in order to be always ready for an emergency and such.

They finished buying their groceries and set off to return home, the subway was very packed, since they got home in rush hour, the passenger...

The Power of Words

A soldier in the trenches of WWI had lost his rifle in a previous battle. His sergeant ordered his troops to attack. He didn't move. The sargeant screamed at his soldier. The soldier said, "Sarge! I lost my rifle in the last battle." Sarge looks around and finds a wicker broom. He says, "Point this ...

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Once upon a time, there was a teeny-tiny spider...

...and as the spider wanted to repent for its carnivorous days by becoming a vegetarian, it decided to live the rest of its days in a quiet, peaceful place to live off the land and to avoid the temptation of telling everyone about its transformation (he's trying to be better really hard, you know?)....

Hundreds of years ago, there was a brave ranger who went on many adventures.

There was also an evil sorcerer named Danny who claimed he could enchant arrows to follow their targets. Mysteriously, anyone who made the journey to the sorcerer never came back. Of course, the ranger decided to make the journey, to figure out what was going on. He made sure to take an arrow as wel...

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A farmer's only donkey ran away in the forest.

He packed up a few days ration and ventured into the jungle to find his animal. He searched and he searched but he couldn't find it, so he decided to retire for the night. He climbed up a tree, tied himself to the trunk so he doesn't fall down.

Just as he was about to sleep, he heard some rus...

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I recently sailed around the world on one of those “once in a lifetime” cruises.

The cruise was scheduled to take 6 months, visit all 7 continents, and make port calls in over 30 different cities. I was very excited and could not wait.

The cruise began with several uneventful stops along the gulf off Mexico and down the Eastern side of South America. As we neared the sout...

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Heaven is a big place

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates together having all perished in different circumstances. Seeing the lineup they all wonder what separates them from access into the gates of heaven. As time goes by the line disappears and the three men find themselves next up. Peter is standing with a hand on t...

A sailor has just signed up to join a Transatlantic trade crew for their latest voyage...

The rest of the crew have worked together for years, so he's the only newbie. Initially, it seems to be a pretty ordinary job.

However, after the initial work of loading the ship and leaving the harbor was done, he noticed something weird.

During lunch or dinner, whenever most of the c...

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An elderly couple

An elderly couple (who lived in old folks home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time.

Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip.

The two complained of some sort of illness and the carers told them to say put.

When th...

The Silver Woman [Long]

One dark night a Frenchman by the name of Guillaume was hiking through the forest. Enraptured by the natural beauty of the world around him, he paused for a moment, taking in the cool breeze blowing through the trees, the sparkling ceiling of stars, and sighed contentedly. Looking up he saw a bright...

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Once upon a time, there was a sand dune with legs.

Duney they called him, truly one of a kind - a war hero of great accomplishment and honour, until that one fateful night.

It was 7PM, and the sun's glow was falling. Duney was exhausted, stumbling with his gun's barrel scraping along the desert's sand.
That was when Duney's world entered ...

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A man, a dog, a bears nuts.

One night Mr jones had terrible trouble getting to sleep due to loud banging noises and scuffling coming from his roof. In the morning he ventured outside, looked up and saw that a very large, very angry looking bear had climbed onto his roof and was wandering around growling and battering at the c...

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Newly wed 70-year old

Marty is with his fellow septuagenarian friends. During a thoughtful pause between all the joking and grousing he reveals that he and his new bride are having some issues with sex. The friends had previously warned Marty that his bride-to-be only wanted him for his money and now they rallied around ...

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Win this jar of money!

A guys walks into a bar after a long day at work. On the bar, he see a jar full of money, all twenties. On it it says "Win this jar of Money! Just ask the Bartender." He asks, "Hey, what's up with this jar?"

"Oh, well you have three tasks I would need you to finish and you can win all that mo...

A young man wanted to know the secret of life. So he asked a pair of wise, immortal, dolphin-like creatures. The dolphins told him they'd share their wisdom, but only if the young man completed their quest.

"First," said the male dolphin, "you must venture out into the forest and locate the Golden Mina Bird. Place it in this magical bag" -- and the dolphins handed him a golden, silk bag made of the finest materials -- "and make your way to the edge of the forest."

"There, you will come to the De...

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