UPJOKE
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Why did Sally fall off the swing? Because she has no arms.

Knock Knock.

Who's there?

Not Sally.

If there are 502 bricks in a plane and 1 falls off, how many are left?

>!501.!<

How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

>!You open the door, put the elephant in, and close the door.!<

How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

>!You open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, and close the door.!<

So, the ...

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There was a girl called Sally Brown...

...who said no man could lay her down

And over the hill came Piss-Pot Pete,

With fifty pounds of swinging meat.

He layed her down upon the grass,

And fucked the pants right off her ass.

Then, with one tremendous fart

She blew Pete's balls five miles apart<...

Little Sally came home from school one day, munching on a big bag of candy...

Little Sally came home from school one day, munching on a big bag of candy. Her mother asks her, "Where did you get that candy!?"

"Little Johnny paid me five dollars to climb the flagpole at school!" she laughed. "So I bought candy!"

"You friggin' idiot!" her mom says. "He was just try...

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Where does the Lightning McQueen and Sally have sex?

In a bed-Vroom

Why does Sally Wear Sea Shells?

She grew out of her B shells.

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A mother comes home from work to find that her kids are hiding behind the couch. She asks what's wrong, and the kids reply that Aunt Sally was in the house naked.

So she goes to her bedroom to investigate, and she finds her husband lying on the bed naked and sweaty. She asks, "What's going on?" He replies, "I'm having a heart attack."

She says "I'm going to call 911" and runs to the bathroom to get an aspirin. In the bathroom closet however, she disco...

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face.

She told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No, salty."

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I once dated a girl with a twin. People asked me how I could tell them apart?

Sally painted her fingernails purple. Bob had a cock.

3 animals are accused of a terrible crime. Sally the pig, Juan the eagle, and Carl the otter. A famous detective is brought in to investigate. He interrogates all 3 suspects and immediately decides it’s not the pig. But why?

It’s always Juan or the otter

In honor of my Cake Day, I offer a joke I heard from an 8 year old. Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she didn’t have any hands.





Knock Knock

— Who’s there?

Not Sally

Job

Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job.

As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job.

Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and j...

A man had a cattle ranch that he ran with his two daughters.

One day their only bull went crazy, broke through the fence and killed the man. The bull was injured and was attacking everything and everyone in sight. The daughters had to put him down. They needed a new bull, but they only had $1000 in cash. So one daughter decided to go to town and see if she co...

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Little Timothy was a bright young boy,

And he was even fairly handsome. The only problem was that he was lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. His family was too poor to afford a glass eye, so his grandfather whittled him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed ...

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Mum: Er.. Sally, what are you doing with the cat, why are you putting it in your school bag?

Sally: I’m taking it to school because I heard dad tell you that when I go to school he is ‘going to eat that pussy’

Jenna was breastfeeding her son while her neighbour Sally sat nearby

Jenna asked her friend, "Does my son resemble me or his father?"

Replied Sally, "He looks like you, but he sucks exactly like his father....."

Little Johnny is in class and his teacher is teaching about description. She reaches into a bag and feels around. She says "Sally, what I'm feeling something round and firm, what is it?"

Sally says "a ball" and teacher says "nope it's an orange". The teacher then reaches in and goes " what I'm feeling is smooth and flat and flexible, David, what is it?"David says"a piece of paper?" "No" goes the teacher "a piece of aluminum foil" Johnny stands up, reaches into his pocket and goes" t...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Just bought a new car, I named her Sally," he tells the bartender. "You're an adult now, you really shouldn't anthropomorphize things," the bartender says. "Why not?" the guys asks. "Because they don't like it," the bartender replies.

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Animal game

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the tea...

There was a young lady named Sally Who enjoyed the occasional dally. She sat on the lap of a well-endowed chap

and said, "Sir, you're right up my alley!"

Adam gave Sally 3 flowers and 1 stuffed animal. Kristen gave Sally 5 flowers and 2 stuffed animals. What does Sally have?

cancer.

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A teacher asks children to name some drug names...

Sally stands up and says ”Paracetamol, its for pain relief”

Julie stands up and says “Aspirin , it helps you focus”

Jimmy stands up and says “Viagra”!

The teacher replies saying “Jimmy, how do you know that? What does that drug do?”

Jimmy replies “ Viagra is for diarrhea ...

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Sally's first job

Little Sally is excited that a new house is going to be built on the vacant lot next-door.

Soon she gets to see the ground dug up, a foundation laid down, and the arrival of the carpenters. They're a little rough around the edges but after a short while, Sally is over there talking with the c...

One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.

“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.”
Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”
“Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it.”

The very next day, her grandpa died.

That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma...

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little Johny is Back

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my grandpa's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinat...

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Just ask for Sally

So there is this guy, let's call him Joe.

Joe wakes up one day and realizes not only is it pay day, but he has the day off. So Joe goes through his regular morning ritual and then pays some bills, gets groceries and thinks to himself "well I have everything I need so let's have some fun."...

Doctor: "I'd love to help you Little Sally... "

"... But you're an orphan and I'm a family doctor"

Where did sally go during the bombing?

Everywhere

Why did Sally drop her ice cream while crossing the street?

She got hit by a Bus.

If you start watching *When Harry Met Sally* at 11:15 pm, when the clock strikes midnight and brings in the new year...

You will still be just as single as when you started the movie.

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Sally and Jessica used to bond over being the only two virgins at their University...

They don’t see each other much anymore but they’re still tight.

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

\- Because she didn't have arms...


Why couldn't Sally get back up?



\- Because she doesn't have friends...


Knock Knock...


(Who's There),



Not Sally...(She doesn't have arms remember)

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Little Johnny and Little Sally are hiding in the bedroom closet watching Little Johnny's sister have sex with her boyfriend...

"Golly," Little Sally whispers. "She sure looks like she's having a good time. You wanna try that, Little Johhny?"

"Not really," he says. "His dick would probably hurt me."

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Mike sat behind Sally... (long)

In religion class. Mike hated Sally and did anything he could to annoy her.

One day, Sally kept falling asleep in class. Mike thought this is a perfect time to start poking her in the ass with a needle he found. She decided to wait until the teacher asked her a question and then he would wake...

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Timmy and Sally were at a school dance.......

At the dance Timmy and Sally sat on opposites sides of the hall. Timmy with the boys and Sally with the girls.

They were both born with genetic disorders.

* Timmy was born without a left eye but he wore a wooden prosthetic in its place.
* Sally was born with a cleft palate, the corr...

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she has no arms.


Knock knock
Whos there?
Not Sally.


What did Sally get for Christmas?
We don't know, she hasn't opened it yet.


What did Sally get for her birthday?
Cancer.

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Johnny and Sally are our playing at the local playground [NSFW]

Sally looks at Johnny and says "Johnny, do you know what a penis is?"

"No, I don't," Johnny says, "but I can go ask my dad!"

Johnny runs home and finds his dad drunk on the couch, and asks "Dad, what is a penis?"

Johnny's dad pulls down his pants and says, "This is a penis, son...

No one believes seniors . . . Everyone thinks they are senile

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared...

Teacher: OK Sally, make a sentence using the word ‘contagious’

Sally: Our neighbour is painting his whole house with a two inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.

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This guy sat next to me in the bar.

"Lonely bastard," he muttered.

"Huh?" I asked.

"You look like one lonely bastard," he added.

After a few minutes silence I said, "Lonely, huh?" I nodded to the other side of the room. "That's my girlfriend's over there."

"She's a looker, ain't she?"

"Sure is, she's...

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Heard it?

A horse, Dave and his boss, the Pope, a cab driver, a drunk and his wife, a ventriloquist and a Welshman, two kids and their mother, three captives, a teacher and little Johnny, and a preacher and little Sally walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of a joke?"

Th...

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Bob is getting older and his kids decided to put him in an assisted living facility.

Bob at first was reluctant to go there. Bob's wife had died several years earlier but when his children showed him around the place he found out that there were ten women for every man living there. Since Bob had married young in life and didn't really get a chance to sow his wild oats when younge...

Sally can't sell seashells down by the seashore anymore...

She was busted for conch-traband.

Why did Sally cross the road?

Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she had no arms.

@&#<#&*@>×>!!*

Two Antennae met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.

The ceremony wasn't that good, but the *reception* was incredible!

^@<#@*@:×>×&@!*!>@

A pastor was filling out paperwork at his desk, wh...

Little Sally

Little Sally keeps coming home with a pocket full of money. Finally one day mom stops her asks. Little Sally where do you keep getting all this money from...well mom the boys at school pay me to climb that tree over there... oh baby you know that they only want to look at your underwear..little Sall...

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Johnny and Sally are having fun climbing a tree, when all of a sudden a bee starts buzzing around her...

"Oh no! Johnny!" says Sally. "That bee went up my skirt!"

Johnny starts booting her on the ass, trying to hit the bee.

"Oh no, Johnny! Now the bee has gone into my underwear!"

Johnny starts smacking her on the bottom, trying to squish the bee.

"Oh no, Johnny! Now the bee...

Where did Sally go during the explosion?

Everywhere!

source: https://twitter.com/AntiJokes_Kapil

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

Sally's Mommy is smart (marginally NSFW)

Little Sally and Little Johnny are playing in the sandbox one day.

Johnny looks at Sally and for whatever reason decides he wants to play a game with Sally.

So he gets her attention and suddenly pulls up his shirt. And then, pointing to each nipple, he announces "I have one of THESE ...

Sally walks into a pet store

Sally walks into a pet store and asks the clerk for some bird seed
Clerk: what kind of bird do you have?
Sally: I don't have one yet but I hope to grow some!

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

Where'd Sally go when the bomb went off?

In her pants.

What did no arm Sally get for her birthday?

A pair of gloves.

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[NSFW] Sally learned a new word...

Sally was sitting next to her neighbor, Johnny, on the bus home from school.

"I heard a new word today," she said, "but I don't know what it means."

"What word?" Johnny asked.

"Penis."

"Penis?" Johnny said. "I don't know what that means either. I'll ask my dad when I get...

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Sally tells Jack that she is going to get married...

Very upset, Jack tells her "What the hell? Who am I gonna have sex with now?"
To which Sally replies "I said I'm getting married, I'm not moving."

A teacher asks three children what they did during recess

She first asks Sally what she did at recess. Sally said she played in the sandbox. “Excellent!” the teacher says. “If you can write "sand" on the blackboard, I'll give you a cookie." Sally writes Sand and gets her cookie.

The teacher then asks Tim what he did during recess. He said he played ...

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Sand paper sally

So a guy gets out of prison. He has been locked up about 15 years but the day has finally come and he is loving life.
He gets released and has the clothes on his back and give dollars to his name.
Above all else, before food, lodging, anything. This man wants some pussy.
So, he goes to a br...

500 bricks on a plane

Q. There are 500 bricks on a plane, one falls off, how many left?

A. 499

Q. What are the 3 simple steps of putting an elephant in a refrigerator?

A. Open refrigerator, put elephant in, close refrigerator.

Q. What are the 4 simple steps of putting a giraffe in a refrigerat...

A Trucker was looking to get a little action one night

So he gets on his CB radio and asked if anyone knows a good place to find some "company". Another trucker radios back with a nearby address, and tells him he'll have the best time ever for just $20.

The trucker goes to brothel with his $20, eager to see what that will get him. When he walk...

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Sandpaper Sally

A man wants to get his son something very special for his 18th Birthday, so he decides he will make his son a man by buying him a hooker. He goes to his buddies and asks them if they know of a good escort service. They give him a catalog but tell him whatever you do, do not pick Sandpaper Sally.
...

[OP] Harry and Sally were catching a plane to get married overseas..

and Harry said "would you prefer the window or the aisle?" to which Sally replied "the window of course!"

Harry, a little perplexed, said "Well it's going to be an awkward ceremony then.."

Where did Sally go when the bomb went off?

E V E R Y W H E R E

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