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Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

How do we know that Eminem is from the Midwest?

Ope there goes gravity

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in a Midwest town he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: ”I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?”
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, “I’ve been operating this hotel for many years.”“In all that tim...

There has been 45,000 cases of head lice reported in the last 24 hours across the Midwest

Researchers are scratching their heads over that one.

What did the depressed teen say in the Midwest?

Please end my Missouri

Only SEVEN people die as temperatures as low as -42F wreak havoc across the American Midwest.

Apparently guns don't work in those temperatures.

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Three idiots, from the Midwest, I’ll have to call them idiots because their shenanigans were exactly that, idiotic...

Nothing to do with them being from the Midwest but more to do with the fact that they were midway into their cups.

One summer day as they lay in a field somewhere, taking in some sun, each with a half drunk bottle of wine in them they began to get bored.

Idiot No #1 says to idiots, #2 ...

What did people from the Midwest call a small can of pop

A Minnesota

A group of farming mathmeticians in the Midwest are doing well for themselves

These farmers use their mathmatical expertise to best know how to plot their lands, when to start planting or harvesting, and overall how to have a good yield.

Recently, the state has been pushing for a ban on diesel-engine tractors due to their heavy usage on non-renewable resources and how...

A man walks into a Blockbuster somewhere in the midwest.

“Hello sir I would like to rent Batman Forever”

“Impossible sir you have to return it on Monday”

“What about The Day After Tomorrow?”

“That’s Sunday sir”

So an American walks into a store in the Midwest and says, I'd like to buy that .50 cal sniper riffle with 4,000 rounds of ammunition and a box of penicillin...

The store clerk replies: sorry Sir, I'm going to have to see some paperwork for that penicillin.

Momma Bear and Papa Bear are getting a divorce,

Momma Bear and Papa Bear are getting a divorce, and they're fighting over custody of Baby Bear.

The judge interviews him to help decide who gets custody. "OK Baby Bear, since your parents are going to live in two places, we have to figure out where you live. Do you want to live with Papa Bear...

What’s the least popular party game in the Midwest?

Twister

Air Force One gets caught in a storm in the midwest

And crashes. Because most of the roads are out, it takes emergency responders a long time to reach the wreck. When they get there, they see a farmer.

"Did you see the plane crash?" asked the EMTs.

"Ayup. Sure did. Buried them all too," answered the farmer.

"None of them survive...

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Insurance

Three men are sitting on a bench in their fancy retirement community in Florida
Steve says: "I started with a men's clothing shop and built the business into the finest department store in town. One day there was a fire and it destroyed everything. Since I was too old to begin again, I took the i...

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A farmer from the midwest was trying to sell his farm so he could retire in Florida.

The farm had been on the market for several months with no prospects until a man stopped and asked about the place.

The farmer explains that there were 1,000 acres half farmable and the other half beautiful timber with a trout stream and a small pond full of small mouth bass.

The man...

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It took 5 years to "get" this joke.

It's 1983 in the Midwest.
It's 6th grade and I hear the following joke.

A man takes his seat on a TWA flight when he sees the hottest, sexiest stewardess approach him with a wink and a smile.

She says "Sir, would you like some of our famous TWA coffee this morning?"

He said ...

What's the similarity between Divorce and tornados in the Midwest?

Someone's losing their trailer

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A doctor, a lawyer, a college student, and a priest sign up for a skydiving trip...

...and find themselves in the air at 12,000 feet. Three minutes before crossing the LZ, both engines come to a complete stop.

The silence is deafening, until the pilot who is also the instructor, pops out of the cockpit with a panicked look on his face and says 'Folks, I'm sorry-we're out o...

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A Midwestern Dog in Africa

A guy from the Midwest went to work in Africa and took his dog with him. There was a whole lot of new smells to sniff and the dog went away in the jungle driven by the fancy smells.

In the jungle the dog suddenly noticed that a leopard is planning to have him as a lunch. The dog thought for a...

A boy was driving home to Minnesota from his first semester of college...

...in California for winter break. He had the car packed and he left after his last final. He wanted to make good time so he drove all night, but as the sun came up his stomach started to rumble...it was time for breakfast!

He pulled into a mom and pop diner and it looked exactly like you'd e...

The traveling ventriloquist.

So this ventriloquist was driving through the midwest when his car broke down. He walked a ways and found a farmer who would let him use his phone. Well, the farmer seemed to be a real stereotypical rural type, so the ventriloquist thought it would be possible to have some fun with him. The farmer b...

Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says "10 cent Martinis" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says "That will be 20 cents."

The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him "How can you afford to do this?" The bartender responds, "I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery." One of the patrons responded, "That...

Drawing pictures on a date

The owner of a large furniture store in the midwest arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke.

He to...

President Trump is visiting LA, when he decides to take the limousine to home

After a while, bored Donald Jr. asks "are we there yet?"

Trump puts his hand out of the limo window and says "no, we're still in California."

After a long while, Junior asks "are we there yet?"

Trump puts his hand out of the limo window and says "no, we're now in Midwest."
...

A Midwest farmer was describing his lifestyle to a touring group of city folks.

"One of the benefits of this profession," he explained, "is that we have built-in weather predictions."


"What do you mean by that?" asked one inquisitive visitor.


"When the cows are standing," the farmer explained, "it means no rain is likely for the next twenty-four hours. W...

A preacher and soldier are on a plane that is falling out of the sky with no parachutes...

The preacher turns to the soldier and angrily says “God has failed us. I have devoted my life to him and he rewards me with this?” The preacher promptly throws his bible out of the airplane.

The soldier reaches over to comfort the preacher. The soldier looks at him and says “before we die, I’...

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Desert Deployment Story [OC] [Long]

When I was deployed to middle east there were these Asian or Arabic guys who made food and cleaned out the port-a-johns and things like that. (I can’t tell what ethnicity they were because I’m from the Midwest and I don’t meet anyone who isn’t white or Latin-American or Vietnamese.)

Anyway o...

Breaking news

This morning saw what will probably become the worst air disaster in the Midwest. An ultralight single-seater plane crashed into a cemetery in Stockholm, Wisconsin. So far, the search and rescue teams have recovered 1736 bodies and as the digging continues into the night, we can only expect that num...

Walking through San Francisco 's Chinatown ,

a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners......When he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign 'Moishe Plotnik's Laundry.'

'Moishe Plotnik?' he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown ?"

He walked int...

Election One-Liner

Looks like the Democrats were holding strong in the Midwest until the republicans got off work..

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Grandfather dropped a bomb today I'll never forget

We stopped at a shitty diner in the middle of nowhere in the midwest. The people looked like they hadn't slept in a year and had eaten meth for a week from their missing teeth and saggy cheeks.

**Me:** Jesus, these people look like zombies

**Gramps:** Yeah and they're probably starvin...

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