I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.

There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.

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What do you call a woman who masturbates whilst on her period?

Bloody wanker

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I don't know why people have sex with women whilst they are on their period.

It's bloody nuts, if you ask me

What did the seaweed say whilst drowning?

Keeeelp!

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

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My wife kicked me out of the house just because she walked in on me whilst measuring my penis

Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

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They told me that you couldn't hurt yourself whilst masterbating.

But I managed to pull it off

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Earlier today I saw a highways worker doing nothing but gossiping whilst drinking cordial and listening to Glen Campbell.

Just seen him again, and that bitchy tarred roadman is still on the lime!

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

You are european when going to the bathroom and european when you leave the bathroom. What are you whilst in the bathroom?

You're peeing

It’s almost 30 years ago, whilst I was in the Army one night

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on h...

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him.

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that he found him on. The next town wasn’t for miles, so he’d have to stay the night ...

A snail saw a slug looking sad whilst watching a couple of beetles scurrying about having fun.

"What's up mate, life in the slow lane getting you down?", asked the snail.

The slug just looked at him and replied, "No. Surely it's obvious why I'm so down? I've had my home repossessed!"

Did you hear about that kid that failed his exams whilst underwater

All his grade were below C level

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Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn't move

Wife said 'What are you doing?"

I said I've seen this online it's called buffering

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Did you hear about the man who ripped his cock off whilst masturbating?

He never saw it coming.

I’m confused - The Left are telling me that COVID social restrictions and vaccines are the way forward, whilst Trump supporters are saying lets get group immunity from many catching it

I feel I’m stuck between a woke and a herd place

Before “working from home” became a thing, I had no idea how great it would feel to walk around naked and fart all day whilst working!

I hope the others don’t come back to the office too soon!

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I like recording myself drinking tea whilst having kinky sex with a woman...

...I call the video "50 shades of Earl Grey"

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Three men find a lamp...

Three middle aged men are walking along an abandoned beach when they find a golden lamp glistening in the sun. Deciding they have nothing to lose, they decide to rub it and see what happens. In astonishment, they see a genie appear before them.

"Thank you for freeing me from my lamp. To thank...

A group of robed people stopped me whilst I was shopping the other day and were really persistently trying to convince me to join the fight for good bacteria, eventually I got really sick of them, looked em in the eyes and said.. .

I'm not interested in Yakult

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."

But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."

The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*Y...

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I got such a vigorous hand job whilst watching the new Adams Family movie that my dick has turned purple.

Talk about too much of a good Thing.

A traffic cop pulls over a guy for speeding.

As he approaches the car dorr he asks the driver for his license and the cars papers. The driver awnsers: i dont got a license and the car is stolen.
The cop was baffled and uttered: are you serious?! The driver awnsers: i'm always serious after a few lines of blow up my nose dude...
The cop:...

I made myself an iced chocolate whilst at home by myself

Or as I now call it: an Ice-o-late

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Whilst on his daily walk, a man finds a dirty old whiskey bottle.

In order to see the label, he gives it a rub.

POOF, a genie pops out.

"I will grant you one wish and one wish only. The only catch is, you have only 10 seconds to make your wish" says the genie.

The man looks down at the whiskey bottle, and sees it fitting to make the following ...

The stormy seafarer

One stormy evening, a seafarer was thrown overboard whilst passing through the strait of Dover. As luck would have it, the ocean currents pulled him unconscious to the English coastline, where he was found and revived by a man adorned in a cape, deerstalker hat and smoking a pipe.

When coming...

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A man’s wife was attempting to prank him.

A mans wife was attempting to prank him.

She decided that her twin should have sex with him as a prank, and so one day she hid under the bed and called her husband over with the lights off to the bedroom whilst her twin was on the bed.

The man had little light and never noticed a thin...

Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.

Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?

Rihanna, mate.

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An old man passed away whilst having sex

When the police asked his wife how it happened, she burst in to tears.

"You see officer, we always have sex at 12 o clock on sunday when the church bells ring"

"But why when the church bells ring?" Asked the officer

"Its the perfect rhythm. At the first chime he thrusts, at the ...

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Why can't vegans moan whilst having sex?

They can't accept the fact that a peace of meat could bring them joy

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Ever had sex whilst camping?

Its fucking in tents

As a lover of history, I always wondered how Genghis Khan would seek shelter whilst traversing various regions of the vast Mongol empire

Then it struck me. Finally! A regional Khan tent.

My friend just fainted whilst riding The London Eye.

He's slowly coming round.

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Whilst trimming my neighbours hedge I was stung on the hand by a wasp. She told me that putting it in cider would soothe the pain.

Well I did that and not only did it do nothing to null the pain, I also now have a court hearing for sexual misconduct!

What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?

Knot bad

So there are a boy playing his X-Box whilst his girlfriend watches.

So the boy says: "Why do you look so sad?"

The girl is silent. He turns off the X-Box.

His girlfriend asks: "Why did you turn it off?"

"Because I have something far better to play with!"

She blushes...

He turns on his PS4

Thor was bored with life on Asgard and one day decided travel to earth to entertain himself.

Whilst here he happened upon a beautiful maiden and the pair hooked up that evening and made love all night, with Thor slipping out in the early hours.

Back in Asgard Thor felt bad for the fair lady about slipping away never too be seen again and thought he at least owed it to her to explain...

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.

I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons, my friend'

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It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice...

Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...

My wife left me whilst I was painting the ceiling

I was overcome with emulsion

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Little Tommy is sitting in class whilst the teacher is going over vocabulary words....

She asks the class to use a word in a sentence. The teacher says the word is "contagious."

Now Tommy, an Aussie, is waving his arm up and down, and no other students have their arm up. The teacher figures there is no way Little Tommy can come up something rude for this word, and she calls his...

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Little Timmy went into the living room as his parents were having an argument.

“You bastard!” said his mum to his dad.

“You bitch!” replied his dad to his mum.

And they suddenly stopped when they saw little Timmy in the doorway.

“Mum, what’s a bastard? Dad, what’s a bitch?” questioned Timmy.

His parents stuttered and stammered until his mum thought ...

The doctor: "It's perfectly okey to get a hard on whilst doing a prostate examination."

Patient :" but doctor I don't have a hard on?"

Doctor:"No, but I do"

A fat women falls through the floor of her apartment whilst reading the news.

She must be a fast reader as she’s already gone through 10 stories.

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Gråtrunka is Swedish for crying whilst masturbating.

It’s a real tear jerker.

Whilst working out earlier I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in

But apparently she doesnt like that, and now I'm banned from my gym.

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead were standing on a beach

They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers j...

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I crashed my car whilst my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob

It was head on collision

Whilst Geology is about rocks...

Geography is where its at

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What's worse than a fat guy with a ridiculous haircut who's brainwashed his supporters into viewing him as a god whilst having his finger on the button for nuclear warfare?...

Two fat guys with ridiculous haircuts who've brainwashed their supporters into viewing them as gods whilst having their fingers on the buttons for nuclear warfare!


[Scariest of all is that it’s true :( ]

Last night I lost my watch at a party. An hour later I saw a guy stepping on it whilst harassing a girl. I went over there and punched him

Nobody should do that to women

Not on my watch

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I just got accepted to make a porno.

I play the role of the husband going off to work whilst my wife waits for the plumber to come and fix the washing machine.

How cool is that!

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I gave my wife a vibrator moulded from a cast of my own penis for her to use whilst I'm away on business

and she's just sent me a text to say that she's tried it out and it was just like the real thing.
The batteries ran out before she reached orgasm.

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I went to a friends house last night for a roast dinner .. whilst eating I noticed my friend forgot to take the string off and I accidentally ate a couple of pieces .. the funny thing is, when I went to the toilet this morning they came out tied together ..

I shit you knot

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I badly broke my leg and whilst I was asleep in the hospital someone wrote “Fucking Idiot” in huge letters on my cast

Talk about adding insult to injury.

I got robbed whilst going up in an elevator

That escalated quickly

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What did the man who suffers with premature ejaculation say whilst playing hide and seek?

Ready or not, here I cum!

I threw up whilst driving on a twisty road...

A Nissan Juke had passed me

I accidentally called emergency services whilst falling asleep.

I had to burn down my house so I didn’t look stupid.

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

Prof.X died the other day whilst hooked up to his mind machine.

As a consequence, everyone on earth was frozen in time.

It's a terrible condition... Cerebro Pausey

Toilet paper ripped whilst wiping my bum.

I got in touch with my inner self.

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I once went on a business trip to china, while there I ordered myself a prostitute. Half way though she was screaming in delight “meee how” meeee hooow” and I thought to myself “she’s loving this”

Just the next day out golfing with a few clients when I hit a ball from the edge of the green to roll on the hole perfectly, of course I couldn’t speak mandarin so I screamed the only happy words I knew “Mee how” “meeeeehow”, whilst celebration one of my colleges comes over and says “no you’ve got t...

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A child is playing whist his mother is cooking, she says "I have some friends coming over for dinner, so be good"

"What's a friend?" Says the child as the mother burns herself "bastard" she hisses.

She turns off the stove and says "don't touch the food on table, it's not for you"

"What's food?" Says the child as the mother knocks a saucepan onto the floor "shit" she says as she bends over to pick ...

Whilst waiting to grab a drink...

Whilst waiting to grab a drink at a party, a guy came up to me and complained, "Your jokes never have any punchlines."

I said, "What do you think we're queueing for?"

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I would love to sit on the toilet whilst you tie my shoe laces...

I shit you knot!

Whilst dining out yesterday evening I called the waiter over, "Waiter, there's a problem with my salad...

...I feel it needs a dressing"

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A man, whilst in a supermarket, approaches a woman he's never met before."Er Hello, do you mind if I talk to you for a moment?" he asks. "You see, I've lost my wife...

"Yes, If you want, but why in the world do you want to speak to me?"

He replied, "Because whenever I speak to a woman with breasts your size, my wife appears out of nowhere..."

I got a sunburn on the beach yesterday whilst reading about trigonometry.

...you should see my tan lines today

A foot model was on his way to a competition whilst walking through a forest...

...He passed by a lumberjack who accidentally let go of his axe and ended up dismembering one of the model's precious digits.

Thinking quickly the lumberjack bandaged up the model's foot with some nearby foliage and helped the model limp to his event.

When they got there the on site do...

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What did Dave Grohl start singing whilst working Saturday morning in a pastry shop?

"I've got another confection to bake..."

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My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday.

That was an awkward SMS to receive.

A philosopher, a biologist, a mathematician and a YouTube celebrity spot a cow in a field whilst on their first trip to Scotland.

Upon discerning the brown colour of the cow’, the philosopher exclaimed ‘Aha! My fellows, you see what knowledge we have garnered? I can hereby assert: cows in Scotland are brown!’

The biologist replied acerbically, ‘Not so fast, my dear friend. It is safe only to assert thus: there are cows ...

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[NSFW] A woman is pregnant with triplets...

One day whilst out walking, she is caught in the middle of a shooting. She is rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery. When she wakes up the doctor tells her that all of her babies will live, however each one was hit by a bullet and they were unable to remove them.

The woman eventually e...

A man and woman are on a first date, everything is going great between them.

The man suggests they go to a local milk bar to share a milkshake, but the woman declines, saying she can’t have that stuff. Whilst searching for somewhere else to go, a car comes out of nowhere barreling towards them. The man is able to push his date out of the way, but the car runs over his foot, ...

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving.

It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.

Toilet brush

Whilst this is a joke, my nan actually told me this yesterday and insists it’s a true story from the 60s when she lived in Cornwall...

So, my grandma was was walking down the street and her neighbour, let’s call her Beverley, was heading towards her carrying her shopping but was walking kind ...

I caught a really bad case of COVID in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realized I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor, with his ...

A boy has reportedly fallen off a building whilst on LSD

People say he "had a bad trip"

French Presidential bodyguard accidentally discharges weapon whilst on duty...

France & Italy have both offer their immediate unconditional surrender.

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Once upon a time...

A horse lived on a farm with a pig, a sheep, and a cow. Now these were no ordinary barnyard animals - for they were bestowed the miracle of Disney animal anthropomorphism - subsequently, the farmer was very happy to have these animals in his posession and the people who came afar to see them made hi...

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Did you hear about the guy that had explosive diarrhea whilst camping?

That shit was in tents

Thought of this whilst snacking.

If one chick pea kills another chick pea... Is that considered Humuscide?

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What would you be if someone threw a rock at you whilst you were riding a donkey?

Stoned off your ass of course.

- From my crazy uncle.

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

I told my girlfriend she has a lot in common with cigarettes.

"awww is because you are addicted to me?" she replied

I said "no, you are costing me a fortune whilst slowly killing me"

A Man arrives at his small business first thing on Monday morning. He is met by the local Sheriff and his deputies, armed with a warrant for his arrest and a full search and Seizure of his business and assets.

After he is placed in handcuff and read his rights, a Slim mild mannered man in a suit approaches him and identifies himself as an IRS agent.

IRS Agent: “Are you Mr Jones who resides at 188 Boardwalk Rd?”

Mr Jones: “Yes I am”

IRS Agent: “Do you own and run ‘Jones: Fun house...

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Three Irish triplets walk into a bar

Three Irish triplets walk into a bar named Patty, Mick & Tat. Tat makes his way to the bathroom leaving Patty and Mick to order the first round. Mick asks the bartender for 3 pints of Guinness, and whilst he’s pouring he inquisitively asks “are you three triplets?”

“Yes we are” answers Mi...

A vulture tries to board a plane whilst carrying a dead rabbit under his wing.

The flight attendant stops him, shaking his head.

"Sorry sir, you can't bring that on here. No carrion."

What did the frog say whilst scrolling down r/Jokes?

Reddit reddit

My dad told me this joke in Serbian years ago. Hope it translates well.

A man is terminally ill and has 3 months left to live. Seeing as he was a holy man for all his life, God gave him a visit and granted him 3 wishes. The man ponders for a few minutes then asks for his first wish.

“God, I’d love to have a nice steak dinner and some brandy to wash it down with.”...

Why do divers fall backwards out of the boat whilst diving?

Because if they fell forward they would land in the boat.

Whilst drunk at a family gathering, my uncle told the entire family this joke...

A man was waiting for news of his child's birth. the doctor comes out and goes: "We have good news and bad news, which one would you like first?"
The man goes "I'll take the bad first"
Then the doctor tells him the bad news "Your baby has down-syndrome, we're so sorry"
The man replies "So...

Whilst laying in bed with my girlfriend I turned to her to say "I love you so"...

She replied, "I love you so too!"

We then proceeded to discuss how one could not love Yoo So, for our Chinese friend is nothing but a delight to be around!

*Works better said aloud.

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Whilst working abroad, a man visits a brothel.

Whilst working abroad, a man visits a brothel. The Madame welcomes him inside and says, 'Well, Sir, what kind of girl turns you on most?' He says, 'I want a woman who weighs over 300 pounds: she must be as sweaty as a Sumo wrestler's armpits and as hairy as a gorilla: I want her to have thighs lik...

Why don't ants get COVID-19? (Part 2)

It's not because they have anty-bodies; not because they tend to be resist-ant to viruses (even though most of them are anti-vaxxers); it's not even the fact that they use disinfect-ant whilst being socially dist-ant. They don't get it simply because they just can't.

My ex girlfirend

My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.


"The Impaler" was my favourite.


Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....


Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

A huge man with really long legs was standing right beside my bed whilst I slept last night, and so I kicked him hard in the shin.

Turns out it wasn't a tall man and my top bunk came crashing down on my face.

Never trust a surgeon

They will put a knife in your back whilst you're not looking.

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There once was a sweet little spider...

There once was a sweet little spider

who thought a dark corner would hide her.

Whilst a fly she was shucking

A dyson came sucking

Was I sad? No 'cause fuck little spiders.

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whilst shagging my missus last night.....

Whilst shagging my wife last night, I huffed, rolled off and said, "It's like fucking an inflatable sex doll."

She looked at me completely shocked.

"You're not helping yourself here." I said.

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Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

As they turn the corner, they come across a circus in the field over the road that has closed up for the night. One of the main attractions, a huge 12 foot tall bull elephant with a 6 foot long penis could clearly be seen quietly ea...

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Whilst lubing your arse up with KY Jelly or baby oil will make for easy insertion,

9 times out of 10 it will get you thrown out of the Tesco fruit and veg section...

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom

A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom, the man has no issues but the woman can’t reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks h...

the puppy test

Before you get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wee...

Whilst at college I did experiment with marijuana.

I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, but I did not in hail.


^-- ^Ed ^Byrne

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Little Fisherman

Somewhere near a big lake lives Jon together with his cat.

Early in the morning Jon wakes up, washes his face and goes to the kitchen. He takes his bag of bread, takes out a few slices and butters them up. puts some cheese on it and stores them is his bread box. Picks up his fishing pole an...

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

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A guy and a girl walking home on a first date.

On the way home the girl says, I am cold, so the guy wraps his jacket around the girl, she says "I just love a man who gives me his coat when I am cold."

He replies "Well no man want's a blow job whilst your teeth are chattering."

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A man comes home from work early and finds his wife lying on the bed panting hard

"What's going?" he asks her?
"Er, I'm having chest pains", she replays, "so I decided to have a lie down."
He runs downstairs and quickly phones for an ambulance.
Whilst on the phone his youngest of 3 children pull his sleeve and says," Daddy, uncle John is naked in the wardrobe".
He qui...

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A priest is nervous about conducting his first church service...

...he gives it his best effort and does horribly. Feeling dejected he returns to his quarters where he finds an anonymous note, it reads: "Next Sunday, take some of the port and sip it whilst carrying out the service, it will calm your nerves."

The priest thinks this is great advice and sets ...

The boy who loved tractors

There was a young boy who lived on a farm, he absolutely loved tractors. All his toys were tractors, his bed was even in the shape of a tractor. Every day after school he would ride around the farm with his dad on the tractor. One day, whilst riding around with his dad the boy fell off the tractor a...

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What's the difference between a fitness blog and a porn site?

One's all about proteins, whilst the other is more about amateur teens

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