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Whilst Jokes

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Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

I met my girlfriend whilst she was working at the zoo.

There she was in her uniform – straightaway I knew she was a keeper.

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They say you cannot hurt yourself whilst masterbating

But I managed to pull it off

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My wife kicked me out of the house just because she walked in on me whilst measuring my penis

Just for the record, it reaches the back of her sister's throat!

Are you sweating whilst putting fuel in your car? Feeling sick when paying?

You have got the carownervirus

Awful pun I came up with whilst drunk last night.

Who is the Australian Frankesntein's favourite singer?

Rihanna, mate.

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They told me that I would never be able to injure myself whilst masterbating.

But I managed to pull it off

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Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn't move

Wife said 'What are you doing?"

I said I've seen this online it's called buffering

Whilst in the pub my friend asked me to name just 3 Qatar players?

I said George Harrison, Eric Clapton and Jimi Hendrix

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It was early morning and whilst walking through the cemetery ….

I passed by an elderly gentleman crouched beside a grave. “Morning” I said, “No, just having a shit” he replied

(Sorry if this is a repost, the joke just popped into my head)

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If you like listening to music whilst having sex

Listen to a live album, that way you'll get an applause every 3-4 minutes

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My girlfriend asked me to paint her whilst she slept.

I thought I did an amazing job, but I don't think she was very impressed.

First thing she said when she woke up was "I've got to be at work in 20 minutes you fucking idiot".

Maybe she didn't like the colour.

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Jamaican are waiting in the maternity ward whilst their partners gave birth.

The midwife comes out and says that all the babies have been born healthy and mothers are doing fine but there’s been a mix-up and they aren’t sure which baby belongs to whom.
The Englishman rushes in and picks up the black baby and starts walking out. The others stop him and ask him what the hel...

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Saw a joke over at r/electricians today whilst on the port a potty!

So I was on the jonny, and I shit you not, there in front of me on the shitter door was a note that said,"toilet tennis, look left!

I looked left and it read,"look right!"

I laughed so hard I shit myself, which was ok givin the location!

Bill Belichick was in my store earlier and whilst I was serving him he said “listen, I need a quarterback. Think you could do that for me son?”

I said “wow, really?! You want me to play in the NFL?”

He said “No moron, this drink costs 75c and I gave you a dollar”

I found a Land Rover whilst metal detecting today

It was a lovely discovery

Daniel Craig has narrowly avoided death after falling into an industrial mixer whilst on a Martini factory tour. Fortunately the machine wasn't switched on.

He is reportedly shaken

The founder of Dulux paints has frozen to death whilst trekking across the Arctic

Doctor's said he could have done with another coat

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What do you call a woman who masturbates whilst on her period?

Bloody wanker

I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.

Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.

"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"

The doctor strolled i...

A man and woman are going at it, when they hear a car out front.

The woman quickly says

"Hurry, out the window, it's my husband."

Frightened, the man grabs his jocks and starts trying to get them on whilst climbing out the window.

Suddenly, he turns around and states

"Hang on, I'm your husband. Why would you do that to me?"

To w...

What did the seaweed say whilst drowning?

Keeeelp!

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A husband and wife are having issues in the bedroom.

The man has no issues, but the woman can't reach an orgasm, she tells her husband it is because she gets too warm.

After going to see a specialist, he recommended that they have a constant supply of cool air in the bedroom, so the man asks his best friend to waft a towel whilst him and his wi...

Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

A cop is driving down the freeway when he looks over and spots a granny knitting whilst balancing the steering wheel with her knees

He pulls alongside the granny, and angrily shouts "pull over!"

The granny shouts back, "no, it's a scarf"

Whilst clearing out the shed I found a box full of dead batteries.

I’m giving them away free of charge

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Ever had sex whilst camping?

Its fucking in tents

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because




ROBOTS CAN...

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My grief counsellor died the other day..

But he was so good I didn’t give a shit.

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

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Why can't vegans moan whilst having sex?

They can't accept the fact that a peace of meat could bring them joy

I dreamed last last night that I was making pancakes whilst driving along a twisty road

I tossed and turned all night

Whilst Geology is about rocks...

Geography is where its at

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I don't know why people have sex with women whilst they are on their period.

It's bloody nuts, if you ask me

Every Christmas, my mom sends me out on a wild goose chase whilst she wraps all the presents, but I told her that this was the last time.

I don't care what she says, next year we're having store bought turkey like everyone else.

My friend just fainted whilst riding The London Eye.

He's slowly coming round.

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."

But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."

The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*Y...

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An old man passed away whilst having sex

When the police asked his wife how it happened, she burst in to tears.

"You see officer, we always have sex at 12 o clock on sunday when the church bells ring"

"But why when the church bells ring?" Asked the officer

"Its the perfect rhythm. At the first chime he thrusts, at the ...

It’s almost 30 years ago, whilst I was in the Army one night

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood. Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my plans on h...

I made myself an iced chocolate whilst at home by myself

Or as I now call it: an Ice-o-late

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Did you hear about the man who ripped his cock off whilst masturbating?

He never saw it coming.

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The king of france...[NSFW]

...The King of England and The King of Spain are having an argument over who has the biggest penis. Eventually they decide to let the people judge.
They all stand on a stage in front of the people and drop their pants one by one.

The king of France drops his and the French crowd shout "viv...

Two men are talking whilst having beers, 'Call me old fashioned but I didn't sleep with my wife until we were married' he says 'What about you?'

'I'm not sure to be honest' says the friend ' What was her maiden name?'

Whilst waiting to grab a drink...

Whilst waiting to grab a drink at a party, a guy came up to me and complained, "Your jokes never have any punchlines."

I said, "What do you think we're queueing for?"

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I like recording myself drinking tea whilst having kinky sex with a woman...

...I call the video "50 shades of Earl Grey"

A man goes on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. Whilst stretching their legs outside the jeep a lion jumps out of the bushes and corners the mother-in-law

The man's wife screams at her husband 'Please! can't you do anything to help!'

The man replies 'The lion got itself into this mess, it can get itself out'

So there are a boy playing his X-Box whilst his girlfriend watches.

So the boy says: "Why do you look so sad?"

The girl is silent. He turns off the X-Box.

His girlfriend asks: "Why did you turn it off?"

"Because I have something far better to play with!"

She blushes...

He turns on his PS4

Toilet paper ripped whilst wiping my bum.

I got in touch with my inner self.

I accidentally called emergency services whilst falling asleep.

I had to burn down my house so I didn’t look stupid.

My wife left me whilst I was painting the ceiling

I was overcome with emulsion

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As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.





Edit: HOLY SHIT FRONT PAGE!!!! I'm so excited i almost cum in my pants! but i came in my dog instead :)

Thought of this whilst snacking.

If one chick pea kills another chick pea... Is that considered Humuscide?

I got robbed whilst going up in an elevator

That escalated quickly

"You know what really makes my blood boil", asked my clearly agitated wife whilst we watched a show about unsolved crimes.

"Yes", I replied whilst further lowering the atmospheric pressure in her tank.

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I crashed my car whilst my girlfriend was giving me a blowjob

It was head on collision

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Little Tommy is sitting in class whilst the teacher is going over vocabulary words....

She asks the class to use a word in a sentence. The teacher says the word is "contagious."

Now Tommy, an Aussie, is waving his arm up and down, and no other students have their arm up. The teacher figures there is no way Little Tommy can come up something rude for this word, and she calls his...

A snail saw a slug looking sad whilst watching a couple of beetles scurrying about having fun.

"What's up mate, life in the slow lane getting you down?", asked the snail.

The slug just looked at him and replied, "No. Surely it's obvious why I'm so down? I've had my home repossessed!"

This morning on the way to work I drove into the back of a car, at some lights, whilst not really paying attention.

The driver got out and he was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy."

I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

You are european when going to the bathroom and european when you leave the bathroom. What are you whilst in the bathroom?

You're peeing

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A man, whilst in a supermarket, approaches a woman he's never met before."Er Hello, do you mind if I talk to you for a moment?" he asks. "You see, I've lost my wife...

"Yes, If you want, but why in the world do you want to speak to me?"

He replied, "Because whenever I speak to a woman with breasts your size, my wife appears out of nowhere..."

Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.

I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons, my friend'

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Earlier today I saw a highways worker doing nothing but gossiping whilst drinking cordial and listening to Glen Campbell.

Just seen him again, and that bitchy tarred roadman is still on the lime!

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I asked my wife why she never tells me when she has an orgasm...

She said "I don't like ringing you whilst you're at work."

What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?

Knot bad

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My girlfriend says she enjoys sex more whilst on holiday.

That was an awkward SMS to receive.

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Bill Gates in an airport lounge

I was in the VIP lounge last week en route to Seattle. Whilst in the lounge, I noticed Bill Gates sitting on the chesterfield enjoying a cognac.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle with me but she was running a bit late. Being a forward type of guy, I approac...

Ten years ago I swore I would give up drinking whilst I'm at work.

I haven't touched a job since

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms

A man is at the checkout line of a supermarket when he realises he forgot to buy condoms.

When his turn arrives, he looks at the cashier and asks "I'm sorry, I forgot to buy condoms, can you ask someone to bring me a packet?"

"That's fine", she tells him, "what size do you need?". He'...

The doctor: "It's perfectly okey to get a hard on whilst doing a prostate examination."

Patient :" but doctor I don't have a hard on?"

Doctor:"No, but I do"

A fat women falls through the floor of her apartment whilst reading the news.

She must be a fast reader as she’s already gone through 10 stories.

French Presidential bodyguard accidentally discharges weapon whilst on duty...

France & Italy have both offer their immediate unconditional surrender.

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Whilst working abroad, a man visits a brothel.

Whilst working abroad, a man visits a brothel. The Madame welcomes him inside and says, 'Well, Sir, what kind of girl turns you on most?' He says, 'I want a woman who weighs over 300 pounds: she must be as sweaty as a Sumo wrestler's armpits and as hairy as a gorilla: I want her to have thighs lik...

A boy has reportedly fallen off a building whilst on LSD

People say he "had a bad trip"

What did the frog say whilst scrolling down r/Jokes?

Reddit reddit

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whilst shagging my missus last night.....

Whilst shagging my wife last night, I huffed, rolled off and said, "It's like fucking an inflatable sex doll."

She looked at me completely shocked.

"You're not helping yourself here." I said.

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It is my sad duty to report the death of my granddad, who was run over by a boat whilst swimming in a canal in Venice...

Thank you to those of you who have already sent your gondolences...

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I got such a vigorous hand job whilst watching the new Adams Family movie that my dick has turned purple.

Talk about too much of a good Thing.

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What did the man who suffers with premature ejaculation say whilst playing hide and seek?

Ready or not, here I cum!

Prof.X died the other day whilst hooked up to his mind machine.

As a consequence, everyone on earth was frozen in time.

It's a terrible condition... Cerebro Pausey

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I gave my wife a vibrator moulded from a cast of my own penis for her to use whilst I'm away on business

and she's just sent me a text to say that she's tried it out and it was just like the real thing.
The batteries ran out before she reached orgasm.

So I was driving home from work tonight, I saw a woman texting whilst driving.

It infuriated me so much I threw my beer bottle at her car.

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I would love to sit on the toilet whilst you tie my shoe laces...

I shit you knot!

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Did you hear about the guy that had explosive diarrhea whilst camping?

That shit was in tents

Why do divers fall backwards out of the boat whilst diving?

Because if they fell forward they would land in the boat.

Whilst working out earlier I found a hole in my trainer big enough to put my finger in

But apparently she doesnt like that, and now I'm banned from my gym.

A foot model was on his way to a competition whilst walking through a forest...

...He passed by a lumberjack who accidentally let go of his axe and ended up dismembering one of the model's precious digits.

Thinking quickly the lumberjack bandaged up the model's foot with some nearby foliage and helped the model limp to his event.

When they got there the on site do...

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

Whilst at college I did experiment with marijuana.

I did it in snow, I did it in sleet, but I did not in hail.


^-- ^Ed ^Byrne

Whilst dining out yesterday evening I called the waiter over, "Waiter, there's a problem with my salad...

...I feel it needs a dressing"

As a lover of history, I always wondered how Genghis Khan would seek shelter whilst traversing various regions of the vast Mongol empire

Then it struck me. Finally! A regional Khan tent.

A vulture tries to board a plane whilst carrying a dead rabbit under his wing.

The flight attendant stops him, shaking his head.

"Sorry sir, you can't bring that on here. No carrion."

My ex girlfirend

My ex-girlfriend used to give me nicknames whilst giving me head.


"The Impaler" was my favourite.


Well, at least, that's what I thought she said....


Turns out she's asthmatic and it's my fault she died.

Whilst drunk at a family gathering, my uncle told the entire family this joke...

A man was waiting for news of his child's birth. the doctor comes out and goes: "We have good news and bad news, which one would you like first?"
The man goes "I'll take the bad first"
Then the doctor tells him the bad news "Your baby has down-syndrome, we're so sorry"
The man replies "So...

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What's the difference between a rooster and a prostitute?

One goes cock-a-doodle-do whilst the other goes any-cockle-do

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2 women go out drinking and after a heavy night and a lot of alcohol, decide to take a shortcut through the cemetery.

Whilst taking the shortcut they both have the urge to pee so they duck down behind the gravestones and pee. They realise they have nothing to wipe with, so the first woman decides to use her pants and leaves them there. The second woman was luckier, she found a bouquet of flowers and unwrapped them ...

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Whilst watching The Incredible Dr. Pol, my wife got upset with the answer I gave my daughter, when she asked me what "Applying monofilament sutures to female canine's lacerations" meant.

Apparently, "Bitches gonna get stiches" isn't an appropriate thing to say to a 7-year old...

Just an inch !

An American, an Afghan and an Frenchman sitting outside a bar, keep arguing about how their country is more advanced. A heated debate between the American and Frenchman continues whilst the Afghan can't seem to beat either of them and seems visibly frustrated.
" Our military is so advanced that ...

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I badly broke my leg and whilst I was asleep in the hospital someone wrote “Fucking Idiot” in huge letters on my cast

Talk about adding insult to injury.

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Whilst trimming my neighbours hedge I was stung on the hand by a wasp. She told me that putting it in cider would soothe the pain.

Well I did that and not only did it do nothing to null the pain, I also now have a court hearing for sexual misconduct!

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What would you be if someone threw a rock at you whilst you were riding a donkey?

Stoned off your ass of course.

- From my crazy uncle.

Whilst laying in bed with my girlfriend I turned to her to say "I love you so"...

She replied, "I love you so too!"

We then proceeded to discuss how one could not love Yoo So, for our Chinese friend is nothing but a delight to be around!

*Works better said aloud.

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My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"

I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."

She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"

I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

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What's worse than a fat guy with a ridiculous haircut who's brainwashed his supporters into viewing him as a god whilst having his finger on the button for nuclear warfare?...

Two fat guys with ridiculous haircuts who've brainwashed their supporters into viewing them as gods whilst having their fingers on the buttons for nuclear warfare!


[Scariest of all is that it’s true :( ]

A lad was on his way to visit his friend. Whilst driving, his car broke down and it began to rain so heavily, he couldn’t see his own hands in front of him. (Halloween super scary story)

**this super scary story as told me to be last night by an Irish dude**

He walked for as long as he could, but the rain became too much to bear. He found a tree and stood beneath it, waiting for a car.
Hours went by, and he was beginning to give up hope. It was a quiet road indeed that ...

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Whilst lubing your arse up with KY Jelly or baby oil will make for easy insertion,

9 times out of 10 it will get you thrown out of the Tesco fruit and veg section...

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I was once photographed out partying whilst drunk, drugged up and looking very much worse for wear. The news media got hold of it and my picture was splashed across the tabloid papers with the headline "The Terrifying Effects of Substance Abuse".

When I first saw it, I went home and had a long hard look at myself in The Mirror.

And then in The Sun, The Daily Star and The Tribune. I thought to myself "Now that's fucking Rock 'n' Roll"

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer....

The barman says to the customer 'Sorry, I've got to change the barrel' and disappears into the back.

Whilst he's waiting the man notices a bowl of peanuts on the side and goes to take a handful. Just as he's about to grab them the peanuts suddenly start to speak, 'You're a handsome chap! Have...

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The Govenment made a recent announcement.....

.......that it is changing the national flag to a CONDOM, because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security whilst you're actually...

A police officer

spotted an elderly lady knitting whilst driving,

"Pullover", he exclaimed.

"No, it's a scarf", she replied..

r/funny told me to post it here. So, a married couple went to the hospital

A married couple went to the hospital so that the woman could give birth to her child. Upon their arrival the doctor told them that they invented a new machine where they could transfer some of the labor pain to the father. He asked them if they would like to try it and they agreed. So the doctor se...

Last night I lost my watch at a party. An hour later I saw a guy stepping on it whilst harassing a girl. I went over there and punched him

Nobody should do that to women

Not on my watch

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They say that dog is mans best friend ...

... but I don't have enemies that stare me directly in the eye whilst taking a shit on my carpet

I'm making a fortune selling home security systems. It's easy-peasy, all I have to do is say, "Hello!"

At 3 in the morning.

Whilst sitting on the end of their bed..

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead were standing on a beach

They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English channel. After some dicussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so off they set.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers j...

A woman is badly burned in a car accident and requires a skin graft on her face.

Because of her injuries the doctors are unable to take skin from any part of her body, so they must rely on a donor. Her husband of 25 years volunteers and the operation goes ahead. Whilst deciding which bit of his skin to use he mentions he has a smooth bottom and perhaps that would be the best pla...

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: 'Make me one with everything'....

After a brief chuckle at the monks joke the vendor hands him his hot dog with everything and says 'That'll be $4 please'.
The monk hands over a $10 bill and waits whilst the vendor just stares back at him....
Awkwardly the monk ask's 'What about my change'?.

'Ah' replies the hot dog ...

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