As I'm sure you're all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.

They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.

My great-grandma told me this joke as a kid and it is by far my favorite kid-friendly joke of all time (I’m also aware of just how corny it is and I don’t care)

There was a country called Raberia, and all the people there were called Rabbis. There was this one Rabbi who wanted to go mountain climbing in this other country called Trideria, and all the people there were called Trids. So he hired two Trids to take him up the mountain and away they go. After a ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On no account should you buy trainers when you’re fully aware they were made by children in Indonesia.

I bought a pair yesterday and the stitching’s fucking atrocious.

Before starting a family, most couples aren’t aware of the side effects.

When the baby arrives, they become apparent.

Three men suddenly become aware they are in the set up to a joke. The first man says something clever. The second does something stupid. The third tries to kill Batman.

I guess we know who the real joker is...

Joke: Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."
The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?"
The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."
The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Be aware of a scam..

Guys Be careful!!

Over the last month My friend became a victim of a clever scam while at a shopping mall. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't hsppen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehi...

A lot of people aren't aware that one of the biggest condom-engineering breakthroughs actually came from a frog.

It was his idea to rib it.

Are you aware that Thailand used to have a different name?

Yeah, Siam.

Cop: Sir, are you aware that your on your phone and speeding?

Me: Well Snapchat says that I’m only going 45.

Cop: Oh sorry sir have a nice day

You need to be aware of faulty underwear from the Ukraine.

Be careful, otherwise chernobyl fallout.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "That's my dad outside."
Man: "How much did you say the baseball was again?"
Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it hap...

What do you call a socially aware Chewbacca?

A “Wokie”

Does anyone else ever suddenly get all existential and acutely aware of their own self-awareness and that other people around you have their own consciousness?

Just making sure it's not just me.

Only self aware people will understand this joke.

You know who you are.

Just so everyone is aware, dogs are not able to undergo an M.R.I.

But Catscan.

How do we know when Artificial Intelligence has become self-aware?

It starts to think its bot is too big.

I taught a wolf to meditate

Now it’s aware wolf

What do you call an empty, self-aware 2-dimensional space?

Descartes Blanche

I wasnt aware that the name Niamh was pronounced Neve

Until my mate Stiamh told me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

True story, and a disturbing one. Just want to make people aware of this.

Went to this liquor store after the gym today and the guy behind the counter asked if I wanted a free case of Guinness beer.

I said hell ya.

He said let me touch your dick for a little bit.

Fucking perverts are everywhere. You guys believe that shit.

Worst part was, t...

Drivers be aware

Drivers be aware. The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A421, near the Northampton roundabout recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu...

What's an Apple Scottish self-aware computer called?

I, Mac.

Are you aware the the Quran specifically forbids dating Gorillas?

It turns out you're not supposed to have a Haram Bae.

What do you call a wolf that's aware of its surroundings?

Awarewolf

Im getting sick of all my self-aware friends.

You know who you are...

This is very serious … please read and be aware:

IF YOU GET AN E-MAIL TITLED, "NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON,"

DON'T OPEN IT....
IT CONTAINS A NUDE PHOTO OF HILLARY CLINTON !!

You may not be aware of it, but NASA conducted an experiment during the Apollo mission days.

They launched a collection of cows into orbit on a prototype rocket.

It was a herd shot round the world.

Philanthropic lawyer

There was a hotshot New York lawyer who got call from Save the Children foundation.
Caller: Sir, we are aware that you are one of the top lawyers in New York and earn millions of dollars a month.
Lawyer: That's right. So what?
Caller: Sir, we are working for the benefit of destitute childre...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[LONG]So, a pianist walks into his local jazz bar...

As he's been down on his luck and is looking for work. He asks one of the waitresses there to speak to the manager, who he approaches and asks,

"Are you the dumb fucker that runs this shit hole of a bar?"

The manager, taken very much aback, responds, "Excuse me? I am the manager, yes...

2 Cowboys are stranded in the desert.

They keep pushing on and on until they see a tree.
#
This tree in particular looked like a bacon tree.
#
“We’re saved” exclaimed the cowboys.
#
They rushed towards the tree and where quickly shot down.
#
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
#
#
I was not aware ...

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt, with matching tight leather boots and jacket...

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind and unzipped her skirt a little, think...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are you aware of the thief who stole a truck full of Viagra?

The police is still looking for the hardened crimminal.

Once there was a girl named Darling...

... had a particularly rough childhood because of her uncommon name. She always got a lot of teasing and abuse at school and hated her parents for the pain they inflicted on her. By the time she graduated school, however, she overcame her anger and embraced her unusual name finding it brought her so...

From my father-in-law. "Did you know the Polacks started WWII?"

"Yeah, they threw a grenade at the Germans, and the Germans pulled the pin and threw it back."

His joke not mine. I apologize to my polish friends if this offends you, and yes I'm aware his joke could better or more historically accurate.

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years....

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a fi...

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does Donald Trump's hair and a thong have in common?

They both barely cover the asshole.

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

Three Old Ladies Speeding

Three little old ladies are traveling down the road when they get pulled over by a police officer.

Police: Ma'am do you know why I pulled you over?

Driver: I don't.

Officer: It was about the speed you were traveling.

Driver: That's absurd. I was doing the exact speed limi...

The Brilliant Scientist

A brilliant scientist, by the name of Dr. Elliot Kupferberg, assembled yet another fruitful invention that would slap anyone who dared to lie within its presence. But one last piece remained. He knew, as a scientist, that he needed to test his potentially dangerous contraption on humans. So he thoug...

I just graduated from university and I'm only 4!

But I guess it's less impressive for those of you aware of factorials.

See you in 96 years when I make my next joke!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An extravagant billionaire made his fortunes selling concrete. Life got lavish and boring. One day he gets in an argument with another bored gentleman about the possibility of creating a flying airplane out of concrete. Billionaire gets excited and decides to build one whatever it takes.

First, he goes to an American aerospace company.

"Can you build an airplane out of concrete?"
"That's going to be very difficult."
"I don't care how difficult. Can you?"
"That will cost $3 bln. and will take 3 years".
"OK, fine".

3 years and $3 bln later, on time ...

The big bad wolf had converted to Buddhism. There was peace in the forest. Suddenly. SCREAMS.

A bystander asked the running animals, "What's happened now?"

"The big bad wolf," a goat said, "is meditating."

"So?" said the bystander, "Isn't that a good thing...?"

"Noooo!" the goat bleated.

"It's become aware wolf!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you're questioning your sexuality...

You probably aren't thinking straight.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Man and the IRS

So an older gentleman received a phone call by the IRS, being notified about large sums of money going in and out of his account. He was told to be at the office first thing Monday morning. He thought to himself “Well if this is what I think it is, I better lawyer up.”

Sure enough he got a la...

My wife found out I was cheating on her after she found all the letters I was hiding.

She was absolutely furious and said she’s never going to play scrabble with me ever again

Edit:
I’m aware it dosnt’ look right the way I wrote it ,but you get the gist

Time flies when you name your bird after seasoning.

I am aware that the correct spelling is thyme

A charity worker learnt that there was a rich man who had never donated anything

So this worker went to the rich man's office, and tried to convince him to give to charity.

The rich man folded his arms and replied angrily. "Did you know my sister's husband passed away suddenly? And left behind 4 children for her to raise by herself?"

The charity worker was surprise...

Stop Means Stop (Long)

While on a business trip in Dublin from London, a young lawyer ran a stop sign and got pulled over. Having heard before that the Irish Police are not the cleverest bunch this lawyer thought to himself "This will be easy".
"Good evening officer, how can i help you today?" The Lawyer says politel...

A man is driving a van full of penguins and is pulled over by a cop...

“Sir,” says the policeman. “Are you aware that there are penguins in your van?”

“Yep,” says the man. “They’re my penguins. They belong to me.”

The policeman looks at the man in disbelief and then back at the penguins, who noot at him.

“Sir, I’m afraid this is unacceptable. I nee...

A woman was walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A cop was approaching from about a block away, thinking to himself, "Boy, my eyes must be going. It looks like that woman is hanging out of her blouse."

But, as he got closer, it became apparent that she really was hanging out her blouse.

When the officer got face to face with the woma...

A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash...

They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused.
"My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man with a stutter goes to the doctor

Patient: "D-d-doctor, I h-h-have a p-problem w-with m-m-ma wife..."

Doctor: "What's the issue? Is it the stutter? You know that I'm a plastic surgeon, right?"

Patient:"Y-yes a-a-I'm f-f-fully a-a-aware of that. e-e-It's n-n-not the sssss-tutter, e-it s'actually b-bout my penis... It's ...

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ralph out. 

When the Head Nurse became aware of Edna's heroic ac...

Two types of A.C. units are sitting at a bar.

One takes a swig and looks at the other, saying "You know, I'm the most efficient and well-known air conditioning unit there is. I can cool a room in seconds..!" He chuckles to himself. The other looks at him smiling, saying "Yes, I was aware. I'm a fan."

A rancher turned weed farmer lost half a million dollar worth of his Marijuana crop to cattle.

The rancher had tried a novel idea of planting Marijuana in the grazing range as cows normally don't eat Marijuana. Unfortunately for him the cows developed a special predilection for the supposedly weed plant. The rancher is devastated but he was well aware that the steaks were high.

In a small town, there were two brothers who, over the course of many years, cheated, swindled, robbed and generally stole from everyone that they ever did business with.

The entire town and surrounding community reviled and despised these two brothers as everyone was aware of just how disreputable and dishonest they were.

One day, one of the brothers mysteriously died.

Although they had never attended church, the one remaining brother ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An airline pilot was talking to his copilot...

... and he did not realize his arm was pressing the intercom button.

"God am I hungover, you know what I could use right now? A coffee and a blowjob."

A flight attendant in the midsection started running to the cockpit to make the pilot aware of his error.

A passenger yells afte...

3 explorers went exploring in the Amazon where they got captured by cannibals

The chief of the cannibal tribe informed them that they were all going to be eaten, and their skin used for canoes, but he let them choose how they were to die.

“I’d like to be shot in the head. Quick and painless” the first explorer said. He was shot, skinned, and eaten.

“I’d like t...

An old man is sitting on the couch watching TV until he gets a phone call...

The man says, “Hello sir, This is Bill from the IRS, we need you to come in at 9am tomorrow to discuss some large amounts of money coming into your account.”

“Ok, I’ll be there.”

“Thank you, see you tomorrow.”

The old man thought to himself, “I probably need a lawyer, huh?”...

Short and Simple

I asked my friend if he looked at Reddit recently.


He replied, "Read it? I hardly saw it!"


~~Yes this is lame I am aware~~

After a long discussion about our future, my partner and I decided to name our first born ‘No Pun’.

That way they’ll certainly be aware that they weren’t intended.

A concert pianist makes mistakes during a performance

Over and over the renowned musician kept making little blunders here and there, and critics in the audience were very aware. After the recital, one commentator said, "no disrespect, but you played everything from memory and had quite a few slip-ups. Just having a bad night?"


Looking a lit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Advice

In the province of Punjab, lived Joe- the most desirable man in the entire world. The prettiest women all around the world desired to have him, and Joe, who co-incidentally happened to be a big fan of The Office, was aware of the effect he had on women.

Joe was very clear that he wouldn’t le...

A drunk guy walks out of a bar..

A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
Back and forth. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches,
"Can I help you Sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr", the man replies.
The cop asks, "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the ...

Two astronauts are falling into a black hole while telling jokes.

One turns to the other and says "I'm afraid we're not aware of the gravity of the situation."

Someone asked me if I had ever noticed that I had a keen sense for being able to tell where water was underground...

I replied, "I'm well aware."

A guy says to his friend, "Did you know that today is S.A.D., Single Awareness Day?"

His friend says, "Yeah, but I thought you had a girlfriend."

First guy says, "I do. I'm just making sure you were aware that you are single."

Prostate Exam

I went to the doctors for a prostate exam. He said “I should make you aware that it’s perfectly normal to get an erection during this type of examination.”
I said “But I haven’t got an erection.”
“No,” he said, “but I have.”

A conversation between a man and a woman

Conversation between a man and a woman. She asks him 5 or 6 questions that he answers quickly and easily. She, however, will remain silent after answering a question asked by the man:

- woman: "Do you drink beer?"

- man: "Yes"

- Woman: "How many beers do you drink a day?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One night, after a couple had retired for the night

the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.
He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.


Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her ...

Three philosophers are having a debate

Three philosophers are sitting in a study, discussing ideas. One says "Socrates once said I know that I know nothing. Which means whoever is most aware of their own stupidity is the smartest"

"I am the stupidest" another says, "for I do not know how to tie my own shoelaces and must get my wif...

How did Harry Potter get down the hill?

How did Harry Potter get down the hill? By walking.







J.K. Rowling

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Magic Swimmingpool

This was a popular joke when I was in elementary school, so I thought I’d share.

A Dutchman, a German and a Belgian are on a diving board at a magic swimming pool. They have been told that the water will change into anything they scream while jumping into the pool.

The Dutchman goes fi...

A doctor is checking out an elderly patient.

The doctor says to the old man, "Sir, are you aware you have a suppository in your ear?"

The old man immediately pulls out his cell phone, calls his wife, and says, "Martha, you can stop looking for my hearing aid, I think I know where I put it!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three American men are lost in the desert...

...After many hours without food or water, they are relieved to find a large tent filled with amazing food, clean water, and lots of beautiful women.

They partake of the food, water, and women without hesitation, and soon return to a healthier condition.

A while later, the tent owner ...

The Muslim Ban

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all Muslims had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Muslim community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Muslim community. If the Muslims won, they could stay in Italy; an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A CNN Reporter, a BBC Reporter, and an Israeli commando were hiking through the jungle...

A CNN Reporter, BBC Reporter, and an Israeli commando were hiking through the jungle and were captured by cannibals. The chief of the cannibals said, "I am aware of your Western custom of granting the condemned one final wish. What do you wish for, before we kill and eat your?" The CNN Reporter sai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a guy gets pulled over at the end of a bridge for speeding

The police officer walks up to his car and says "Do you know how fast you were going?"

The driver, rudely says "No officer - but I'm sure you're aware, so why don't you enlighten both of us?"

The police officer, recognizing the driver's attitude, attempts to take him down a notch. "Wh...

An old man is lying on his deathbed.

Slipping peacefully away, he is half-aware of one sense after another fading, his sight growing dim, a blessed silence falling... and then something half-forgotten teases at his nose and he twitches as it registers. It's a delicious savoury scent wafting up the stairs - his wife's wonderful cheese s...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.