UPJOKE
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Next week is diarrhea awareness week.

Runs until Friday.

Redditors are very environmentally aware

More than half the content on the front page is recycled

A lot of people call Valentine’s Day “singles awareness day,” but that’s actually today

4/04 date not found

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A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not aware that 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.

Boy: ‟Dark in here.”
Man: ‟Yes it is.”
Boy: ‟I have a baseball.”
Man: ‟That's nice.”
Boy: ‟Want to buy it?”
Man: ‟No, thanks.”
Boy: ‟That's my dad outside.”
Man: ‟How much did you say the baseball was again?”
Boy: ‟$250.”

In the next few weeks, it happ...

If you decide to comment on this joke, be aware that I won’t be replying…

…because I have abandoned my post.

Happy Stutter Awareness Day

Tu-tu-tu-tu-tu-tuesday

I went on a diabetes awareness webiste

...and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question?

What do you call a wolf thats aware of its surroundings?

Awarewolf

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My therapist told me I am quite self aware.

I already knew that.

A woman tries getting on a bus, but realizes her skirt is too tight

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarassed and with a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this wou...

Since its international Stoke awareness day

3 old ladies are sitting on a bench together and a flasher runs up to them and exposes himself, the first old lady has a look and then has a stroke, the second old lady also has a look then has a stroke, but the third old lady was too far away and it hurt to stand up so she just had a look

Did anyone else know September is deaf awareness month?

I’d never heard of it.

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There was once a Japanese man named Fuk

Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.

Tragedy struck however, upon finis...

To raise heart health awareness, Cardi B changes her name...

To Cardi O

Just saw that our local Police Department got 2 huge new trucks with "Criminal Gang Unit" labeled on the sides.

Finally, some self awareness.

I'm starting a charity to raise awareness of pyramid schemes.

Donate $100 to register as a fundraiser and you'll receive 10% of all donations you raise.

As I'm sure you're all aware, the Notre Dame Cathedral is on fire.

They don't know who did it, but they have a hunch.

a local farmer had gone into investigations

\-what do you feed your chicken ?

\- soy beans, he answered

\-soy beans ?! are you aware that there's a global shortage in soy beans, we'll give you a $100k fine and prepare yourself for further investigations



few days later,...

A Newfie had caught two lobsters and was walking home along the coast ...

... when a cop drove by and saw him. The cop pulled over and stopped the man.

"Sir, are you aware it's not lobster season, and it's illegal to fish lobsters?"

"Me son," the Newfie said. "I didn't fish 'em. Deez lobsters are me pets."

"Sir, no one keeps lobsters as pets. I'll ha...

Ladies that eat Tide pods should be aware it could negatively affect their chances for a romantic relationship. Odds are likely that it will...

...detergents.

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Tim and Jake goes to watch a football game

Tim : What is that on players back?

Jake : Oh that, the players have written their name in braille to raise awareness about blind people.

Tim : Raise awareness about blind people. Who the fuck doesn't know about blind people.

Jake : Well the deaf have never heard about them.

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

A blind man walks into a bar. He sits down at the bar and the female bartender walks up and asks what he wants.

He orders a beer and asks the bartender if she wants to hear a blonde joke?

She says “Hold on buddy. You clearly are not aware, but this bar is completely staffed by women. And I’m a blonde, the woman you’re sitting next to is blonde, and the bouncer behind you is blonde. You sure you still w...

February is Eczema awareness month....

I am raising money by selling scratch cards.

Can we dissect a classic joke??

I was driving through a rural area this afternoon when a chicken began to cross the road.

I chuckled at the little clucker and began to recite the classic joke in my head...

"Why did the chicken cross the road??"

I arrived at a predictable reaction; "this is a boring joke...it's...

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My two sex partners aren't aware of each other.

The left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing.

The human brain is the only thing I'm aware of...

That named itself.

A hunter kills and eats a bald eagle, and is arrested for violating the Endangered Species Act. He pleads guilty, and throws himself on the mercy of the court.

"Your Honor," the hunter said, "I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle. If you let me go, I'll never do it again."

"You've committed a very serious crime," the judge replies. "But you clearly weren't aware of the law, so I'm willing to overlook it this one time. How...

People who wonder how big any man you meet is, there is one easy way to find out without seeing them naked, and you may not have been aware of it. It WILL work 100% of time.

Just ask your mom.

What do you call a wolf that is woke?

Awarewolf



(credit goes to my GF, who's apparently practicing her dad humor. *sigh* please, don't wreck my karma)

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March is women’s history month.

It’s also bleeding disorder awareness month, and I think that’s kinda fucked up.

A German worker gets a job in Siberia, aware of how all mail will be read by the censors, he tells his friends;

"Let's establish a code, if a letter you get from me is written in ordinary blue ink; it's true, if it's written in red ink, it's false"

After a month, his friends get the first letter;

"Everything is wonderful here, the shops are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and proper...

Only self aware people will understand this joke.

You know who you are.

Can we take a serious moment to raise awareness about the North Atlantic Garbage Patch?

Not enough people really talk about England very much

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I always ask what LGBT stands for...

But i never get a straight answer.




Ps: I'm very aware of its meaning(since im very gay).

An elderly man in Louisiana

... had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there f...

Unlike other countries, Syria, despite all their problems, did manage to get their people to be aware of public hygiene and satefy during coronavirus.

Maybe because they already knew what Damascus.

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

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Be aware of a scam..

Guys Be careful!!

Over the last month My friend became a victim of a clever scam while at a shopping mall. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't hsppen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 20+ year girls come over to your car as you are loading your vehi...

My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness

That came out of nowhere

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What did John say when he attended the paraplegic women's awareness dance?

"Yo this dance floor is crawling with pussy"

Speeding

**Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"**


**The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in."**
...

My great-grandma told me this joke as a kid and it is by far my favorite kid-friendly joke of all time (I’m also aware of just how corny it is and I don’t care)

There was a country called Raberia, and all the people there were called Rabbis. There was this one Rabbi who wanted to go mountain climbing in this other country called Trideria, and all the people there were called Trids. So he hired two Trids to take him up the mountain and away they go. After a ...

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It's Valentine's Day in the United States, and I'd just like everyone to know my girlfriend has giant, fake tits, and a huge fake dump truck.

In fact, pretty much everything on her is fake, including her existence.

Happy Single's Awareness Day, Reddit.

I wasnt aware that the name Niamh was pronounced Neve

Until my mate Stiamh told me

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Oh and one last thing friends..! Just letting you be aware, if you get a link called 'free porn' dont opin it.

It is a birus wich deactivates your spelcheck and fcuks up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont uatch porn so I dint opin it. Plaese warm yu frends, wanks

All my friends told me I have no self-awareness

Ridiculous, if I had no self-awareness I think I'd know.

What do you call a socially aware Chewbacca?

A “Wokie”

The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness.

The new name being "U.O.K.?"

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Hiking advisory

Hikers who visit this forest should be aware that both black bears and grizzly bears can be found here. We suggest the following precautions for your safety.

Please wear small bells on your clothing to alert wildlife of your presence so they stay away. Please have pepper spray with you at all...

Taxation of captured Russian tanks in USA

Regarding tax treatment of Russian tanks entering USA:

Please be aware that any Russian tanks entering USA are subject to A-10 accelerated depreciation.

The big bad wolf converted to Buddhism and there was finally peace in the forest. But suddenly, the air was filled with screams of terror! A bear asked the animals running past him, "What's happening now?" A goat shouted, "The big bad wolf is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing?" questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

Dave and Betty.....

Dave and Betty were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while walking past the hospital swimming pool, Dave jumped into the deep end and starting drowning.

Betty promptly jumped in to save him, swam to the bottom and pulled Dave out.

When the Head Nurse became aware of Betty'...

I told my friend I have an acute sense of when a deep hole with water is nearby. He said thats a useless ability.

I'm well aware

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

An original Joke!!

A bunch of soldiers who just got enlisted are presented to their drill sergeant. The drill sergeant makes them line up and starts shouting at them.

"Privates!! I am your new sergeant and you have to listen to everything I say!! "
Now listen closely, I am sergeant Fenitals!! Did you unders...

A boxing match is about to start..

A boxing match is about to start.

An ex-criminal steps on the scale and weighs in at 90kg.

Next up.. a professional athlete weighing in at 85kg.

Gotta weigh the pros and cons

Edit but not actually an edit : it's dumb, I'm aware

Alright ladies, we all know it's Breastfeeding Awareness week.

There's no need to milk it.

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True story, and a disturbing one. Just want to make people aware of this.

Went to this liquor store after the gym today and the guy behind the counter asked if I wanted a free case of Guinness beer.

I said hell ya.

He said let me touch your dick for a little bit.

Fucking perverts are everywhere. You guys believe that shit.

Worst part was, t...

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Donald Trump said, "I declare April as Sexual Assault Awareness month."

His aide said, "So what do think are some good ways to prevent it?"

Trump replied, "Prevent it?"

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I’m writing a script for a self aware porn parody

All of the humor is very tongue in buttcheek

Three men suddenly become aware they are in the set up to a joke. The first man says something clever. The second does something stupid. The third tries to kill Batman.

I guess we know who the real joker is...

Just so everyone is aware, dogs are not able to undergo an M.R.I.

But Catscan.

So this pirate walks into the bar...

A pirate wearing a steering wheel steps into the local watering hole, sits down and says "Aye let me get a ice cold Budweiserrrrrr" Bartender says "excuse me sir, are you aware you have a giant steering wheel in your trousers? Pirate: .." Rrrrr, yeah, it driving me nuts!"

I've decided to combat the Coronavirυs by raising awareness.

I spent the day canvassing the street and delivering 10-minute lectures to passerbys about the importance of social isolation, especially if you're feeling sick.

I think I'm making progress. I've already spoken to 50 people today!

I'm especially proud of today's efforts because I woke ...

Globally, the lack of awareness for women's reproductive health is a major problem. We need to grow up and understand that menstruation is not a joke.

Period.

Before starting a family, most couples aren’t aware of the side effects.

When the baby arrives, they become apparent.

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On no account should you buy trainers when you’re fully aware they were made by children in Indonesia.

I bought a pair yesterday and the stitching’s fucking atrocious.

I phoned the Drugs Awareness helpline today.

"Can I speak to the Cocaine Councillor please" I asked. "You'll have to wait" he replied,"he's on another line."

Drivers be aware

Drivers be aware. The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the A421, near the Northampton roundabout recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu...

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

How do we know when Artificial Intelligence has become self-aware?

It starts to think its bot is too big.

I'm programming software to raise awareness about diseases..

McCoughy Antivirus

A man reaches a river, and ponders how to cross.

He looks out, and sees that the river is far too wide to swim, lest he tire and drown. He would have tried making a raft, but there were no trees in sight, nor any other manner of building material. Stumped but determined, he decided to follow the river until he reached a point where the river narro...

Tomorrow is Downs Syndrome Awareness Day

You're supposed to wear crazy socks.

I'm just going to wear extra jeans.

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Are you aware of the thief who stole a truck full of Viagra?

The police is still looking for the hardened crimminal.

Are you aware the the Quran specifically forbids dating Gorillas?

It turns out you're not supposed to have a Haram Bae.

I taught a wolf to meditate

Now he’s aware wolf

To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

Today, March 26th, is Epilepsy Awareness day.

So get on out there and seize the day!

A guy says to his friend, "Did you know that today is S.A.D., Single Awareness Day?"

His friend says, "Yeah, but I thought you had a girlfriend."

First guy says, "I do. I'm just making sure you were aware that you are single."

Does anyone else ever suddenly get all existential and acutely aware of their own self-awareness and that other people around you have their own consciousness?

Just making sure it's not just me.

A boy comes home from a strip club to find his mother waiting for him

Already aware of what her son had been doing, she asks, “And what did you see, young man?”

“Something I wasn’t supposed to.”

“Oh? Your father?”

“No, your mother.”

Vaccination awareness is rising

Last night I saw a young man vaccinate himself behind a dumpster

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Saw some Little People marching for Sexual Health Awareness yesterday...

They were chanting “Stand Up for Blowjobs”.

What do you call an empty, self-aware 2-dimensional space?

Descartes Blanche

I am involved with a group that supports gastrointestinal awareness.

We call ourselves the bowel movement.

I'm well aware of my shortcomings

I aim for the chest, but only make it to the stomach

Im getting sick of all my self-aware friends.

You know who you are...

Love him or hate him at least President Trump is raising awareness of one of the greatest challenges facing America.....

....Mental Health. 'Cause either that dude is crazy or I am and my best guess is before all this is said and done we're all going to need a little therapy.

I was doing donuts in the parking lot

I was doing donuts in the parking lot and almost got arrested, and yes I am aware donuts is a strange name for a dog

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Three men go to hell and they’re pissed

“Surely we weren’t that bad?” they ask themselves. “There has to be something we can do to get out of here.”

Satan suddenly appears and says “Oh, but there is! Withstand ten whippings from my trusty whip here and you’re free to go. I’ll even let you pick something to cover your back with”
...

A boy asked his father "Why is my sister named Theresa?" "Because your mother loves Easter and Theresa is an anagram." "Thanks dad."

"Your welcome Alan."

So Tekashi69 could face life in prison

Which is nice because we might finally get to see a mumble rapper completing a sentence

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Nutty Joke

I made this up while playing around at work, but I'm sure it's already been come up with at some point; however I would like to submit this joke:

Ask someone, "do you participate in No Nuts November?" They will either smile, look confused, or both. Then tell them that it's a peanut allergy aw...

You may not be aware of it, but NASA conducted an experiment during the Apollo mission days.

They launched a collection of cows into orbit on a prototype rocket.

It was a herd shot round the world.

I absolutely adore alliteration.

Amateurs aren't aware of it's awesomeness.

I'm trying to spread "quotient" awareness

Please upvote for divisibility.

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A Strip club and a Tattoo parlor teamed up to spread awareness about breast cancer

They call it the Tit for Tat model.

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This is a joke my dad always used to tell. Hope no one has heard it before

The Red Baron, a French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend for picnic by the river Seine. It's a beautiful day, and love is in the air. The girlfriend leans over to The Red Baron and says, "Baron kiss me!" The Red Baron grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on his girlfriends Lips. "What ar...

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I'm organising an event to help raise awareness of male sexual dysfunction, particularly a failure to climax.

If you can't come, let me know.

I just came from a domestic violence awareness concert...

...headlined by the Black Eyed Peas

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate

Pope Francis knocks on heaven's gate after his death. Saint Peter opens the door, looks at him and says: "Welcome to live after death. What is your name?" The pope is slightly irritated and answers: "I am the pope." "Pope who?", Peter asks. "Pope Francis, you should know who I am!" the pope says, a ...

Mulla Nasruddin, having said his Friday prayers, was exiting the mosque.

And when you stepped out of the mosque and into the street, you could be sure you would come across a beggar or two. Some were so regular that they were almost glued to their chosen spots. Mulla Nasruddin knew that this was a good place for them to be. After all, people came out from their prayers f...

What's an Apple Scottish self-aware computer called?

I, Mac.

I was telling my children about the health benefits of eating dried fruits recently

It's really all about raisin awareness.

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