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Veteran Jokes

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A disabled veteran

A guy goes into a post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee".

"Have you ever been in the military?"

"Yes, I serves two years in Iraq"

The interviewer says "that will give you ...

Veterans Day

An elderly American gentleman of 97 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. He admitted he had been to France previously. "Then ...

A soldier survived mustard gas in battle, and then pepper spray by the police. What type of veteran is he?

A seasoned veteran.

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A veteran was telling his friend about the first time he jumped out of an airplane.

I was at the door and ready to jump when suddenly i froze in terror. The Sargent came up and screamed “if you don’t jump right now I’m shoving my dick right up your ass”. His friend asked “well, did you jump?” The veteran said “yeah, a little bit at first”

So a recently separated veteran gets a civilian job.

He does a wonderful job, but there's only one problem: he always shows up late.

So his boss takes him aside and asks him, "Weren't you in the military? What would your leadership say if you were late?"

The veteran replies, "They'd say, 'Good morning, Sergeant Major. Your coffee's on yo...

Remember, if you sleep with a female veteran tomorrow,

Be sure to thank them for their cervix.

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

I want to do a better job of recognizing our veterans

But they just look like all the other homeless people.

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

An RAF veteran is giving a talk about the war to a class of school children

and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.

"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed to shoot the Fokker down. Then one wa...

A tired u.s. army veteran is looking for a seat on a busy British train.

He can’t find a seat so he walks up to a British lady and asked “ma’am may I use your seat?”The British lady responded with “can’t you see my puppy is sitting here? How rude are you Americans are.” The army and walks off and tries to find another seat after a couple minutes of searching he walks bac...

A veteran walks into a bar

He sits down next to his friends and is about to say a joke about blondes when he is suddenly cut of by a blonde from another table who is 6’4 and strong. “What we’re you about to say?”. Then the blonde waitress walks in holding a baseball bat standing next to the other blonde. Then the blonde chef ...

A disheveled man is busking on the side of the street in London with a sign that says “Falklands War Veteran”

A well-dressed man notices this and feels bad, having himself been a veteran of the British Army. He pities the busker and tells him, “It must be a pity to serve your country and then come home to this. I served in the army, in fact, so I know what it’s like. Maybe this will help you out.” He then g...

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Why do retired Nazis make good animal doctors?

Because they're all Veteran Aryans.

Two men were washed ashore during WWI.

Their ship, an aging minesweeping model, had wrecked off the coast of an uninhabited island. As the older veteran worked to build a makeshift camp, the younger soldier managed to salvage a radio, and quickly telegraphed an SOS with their coordinates.

To their surprise, a ship responded withi...

A local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"


The lawyer thought about it for a minut...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

Two tradesman set up for road work: one a veteran and the other a literalist rookie.

“You just stand there by the ‘end road work’ work sign and direct folks through the orange cones”, says the veteran.

“But I’m not sure I can do that, that’s a big responsibility to carry for a lot of people”.

“Sure you can, it’s a simple job, they’ll get the message”.

After the ...

Three grizzled veterans eyed the new recruit with contempt

“Son, I served multiple tours as a Marine in Afghanistan and killed 40 men!”

“That’s nothing! My hummer hit an IED, and I still have pieces of it in my leg!”

The third smiled and simply said “I was a member of SEAL team six.”

“What have you, in your eighteen years accomplish tha...

WW2 veteran walks into a store

There is a grocery shop in France after WW2, and they are giving out free bread and drinks to veterans. The cashier is finishing up his shift at the store when a man walks in and asks for the free bread and drink, the cashier gives the items and wishes him the best as he leaves the store with his it...

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A war veteran interviews for a job...

A war veteran goes to a job interview at a factory. Browsing over the vet's resume, the manager of the factory seems impressed.
"I have one question" he asks. "Do you have any disabilities that will prevent you from completing your work?"

"Well, I had both of my testicles blown off in Nam...

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A USMC veteran decides he wants to die in a very badass way.

After some time thinking, he figures the most badass way to die is while rowing across the Atlantic (keep in mind, he's a Marine; not too bright). So he makes his way to the East Coast, buys a dingy, and gets to rowing.

"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MARINE CORPS! MARINE CORPS!" he eagerly chants as...

How many veterans does it take to change a light bulb?

You don’t know, man! *You weren’t there!*

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What do you call it when a veteran nuts in a prostitute?

Dishonorable discharge.

What is the insurance for Canadian military veterans?

U-S-eh-eh

Why should you never date a veteran comic artist?

They make it their business to create a lot of issues.

What do a top Reddit Post and an Army Veteran have in common?

They're both reposted.

A veteran walks into the bar

A veteran called Robert walks into the bar and grabs a drink. The man to his right begins a conversation. After an hour and many drinks pass by, they find out that they were both veterans from Vietnam.

Robert: I was only a helicopter mechanic, but I have seen all the horrors of that war. ...

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Vietnam veteran comes back from a tour of duty...

only to find out he has some kind of exotic STD. his dick burns when he pisses and has lumps and bumps on it that are red, green, blue and purple. He goes to the V.A. hospital and the doctor says he's never seen anything like it, but he's pretty sure he's going to have to amputate.

"Fuck tha...

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Veteran reintegrating into civilian life

A military veteran is assimilating back to civilian life and begins applying for jobs. He puts in an application with the state hoping for a 9-5 office job with decent benefits. They call him in for an interview. The interviewer is looking over his application and asks him about his military service...

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Veteran Wine Taster

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building... EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED --POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired veteran named "Ace," drunk and with a ragged dirty look a...

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A very old veteran is telling a war story to his grandkids...

"So... My commander told me I was volunteering for scouting the area... So I grabbed my gun and went. After maybe two miles crawling in the mud, I fell into a hole and lost my rifle. As I got up, I found myself unarmed in front of 5 german soldiers! And then.... I shat my pants....

-That's un...

What award did Al Pacino get for playing a really angry veteran?

Mad Al of Honor

The veteran’s affairs office requests several ex-soldiers to come by and hear about a new pension plan.

“Alright men,” the official begins, “we’ve tried out a lot of pension plans in the past and none of them have worked out. At this point, we’re winging it. We’re going to measure between two points of your body, and whatever the distance is in inches, that’s how many thousand dollars you’ll get. So t...

A grizzled veteran notices a new recruit in the warzone and walks up to him.

"Did you come here to die?"


"Naw mate, Ai came here yesterdai!"

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My grandfather, a Vietnam veteran,hooked up with a Viet girl a few years after the war.

He told me the story of how they met at a bar, and how he took her home that night, and how he began having PTSD flashbacks as soon as she undressed.

"Why's that?" I asked him.

"It was just like the war," he said. "I couldn't see the Vietnamese in all the bush."

\----

Be...

I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

He just kept telling me it's private.

A quote from a WWII veteran...

If you see a group of soldiers but don't know where they're from fire a stray bullet in their direction and see how they react.

If they respond with precise rifle fire they're British.

If they respond with a frenzy of machine gun fire they're German.

If they try running away the...

What did a husband say to his veteran wife that recently gave birth?

Thank you for your cervix

[Long] Veteran of Mexican war

Guy walks down the street of Texas when he sees a homeless guy with wooden leg. He immediately thinks: "Of course, some dirty homeless guy asking for money...".

Then he notices a written note in front of the homeless guy saying: "Veteran of Mexican war".

Guy remembers what was going ...

Falklands veteran

A British officer spotted a busker in the London Underground with a sign that read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, he took £20 out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was th...

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A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment

An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.

"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were sexually active?"

"1946," says the veteran.

"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"

The veteran shrugs a...

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An old veteran is sitting in a bar

A prostitute looking for work approaches him. "Say old man, when was the last time you had sex?"

The man responds "That must have been around 1958"

"1958?" exclaims the prostitute "that's a mighty long time you haven't slept with a woman!"

"Is it?" replies the man, and looks at...

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

Why did the Vietnam veteran cross the road?

''YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!!!!!"

Why do WWI veterans dislike golf?

They always end up in the bunker.

A war veteran is lost in the rural deserts of Afghanistan.

A war veteran is lost in the rural deserts of Afghanistan, eager for just a single drink of water. As he's roaming through the country's rugged terrain, he spots in the distance what appears to be a vendor running a small stand. Figuring that there is no one else in the vicinity, he decides to go to...

A US World War 2 Veteran goes to France

A US WWll vet goes to France with his family for a holiday, as they arrive in France the family all go through border control without a problem. The veteran tries to walk past but is told by a French woman who worked at border control that he can’t as he doesn’t have his passport or papers out.
<...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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I just read that a veteran policeman has been suspended from his job...

after being caught masturbating and smoking weed in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

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Colonel Isaev, a veteran of the Great Patriotic War, is invited to a school in Leningrad

He is telling the children about his days as a soldier in the Red Army and his war exploits. When he finishes, he asks the children if they have any questions.

Vovochka raises his hand, and the teacher tenses up.

"When I grow up, I want to be an intelligence officer and protect my Glor...

Two 90 yo war veterans are sitting in a park

- Ah, when I remember how hard it was. 10 000 of us and 100 000 of them... I shat myself..
- Well how could you not, there were 10 times as many of them?
- No, not then, now...

An Iraq War Veteran Walks into a Bar

He quietly takes a seat and asks for a bourbon, double. The bartender obliges, and notices the man's dog-tags while he pours the drink. "First one's on the house – for your service." The veteran nods in approval and reaches towards his glass, but drops it just as he picks it up, spilling the whiskey...

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How are war veterans and janitors alike?

You won't believe the shit they've seen!!

Vietnam veteran's hilarious true story

A bunch of US soldiers were marching across a field. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Hey, do you see where we are?" He looks around and realizes they are walking through a massive field of marijuana. The soldiers started breaking off plants and stuffing them into their clothes and their helmets,...

How do cannibals prefer veterans?

Seasoned.

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An American revolutionary war veteran went to London for a grand ball.

Upon his arrival, the man in charge welcomed him graciously. They laughed and danced with the men and women until midnight, where he suddenly felt the urge to use the bathroom.

After receiving directions by the man, he walked inside the large bathroom to find that the only decoration was a ...

Why did the waiter get a veterans discount

Because he SERVED our country

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A WWII Veteran on his deathbed...

turns to his son.

Father: "I think it's time I finally told you of how I escaped as a POW from the Germans".

Son: "I'm listening father"

Father: "It was the greatest plan ever concocted".

Son: "What was the plan called?"

Father: "It started off as a simple lie to o...

Jesus walks into a bar and says "who will buy me a beer" the guy with the 1 eye walks over and buys him a beer..Jesus raises his hand and touches the guys eye healing it instantly! he then asks for another beer..an old veteran paralyzed from the chest down rolls over to him and says

Ill buy your next beer Jesus..once again Jesus raises his hand to heal the veteran and the veteran screams
"NO JESUS DON'T!!!! IM ON THE DISABILITY BENEFIT!"

What do you call a veteran who sleeps in a bathroom stall?

A loo-tenant.

Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!

They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II...

Since my grandfather had served during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, "Did you ever kill anyone?"

He got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, "Probably. I was the cook."

So the army is forced to cut the pensions of some of their veterans...

In order to repay the veterans for their service they bring in three veterans. They tell the three that they will be reimbursed in money, in that each one can choose two points of their body, and the distance between the two will be how much money they receive.
Anyway, the first man goes and says...

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What do you call a veteran pornstar?

train’d professional

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A veteran is being interviewed for a job...

and it looks like hes going to get it. When the interviewer asks

I. Do you have any medical issues we should know about?

V. When I was in the war my testicles were blown off. I take pills for it so its not an issue though. Only problem is I cant drink coffee now. The caffeine will int...

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Frank, British war veteran and quadriplegic, was a raging alcoholic.

When he was sober, Frank was a mean bad ass mother fucker, that no-one dare cross.

But when Frank was legless he was 'armless.

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Several of Hitlers Generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were Veteran Aryans.

Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran?

Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM

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Two veteran comedians were at a Christmas party.

“What sort of a set-up is this anyway? There’s a line over there for bad food, another one for terrible champagne, which one are we in?”

“I think this is the shitty punch line.”

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Anyone else hate their war veteran grandads at the dinner table?

I'm trying to eat dinner here grandad I don't care how many Jews you've killed!!!

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Are the Nazis who fought in WWII veteran-Aryans?

And can I bring my dog to them for a checkup?

I asked my veteran grandfather what’s the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet?

“Why didn’t you become a real doctor?”

My Papa was a World War 2 Navy veteran and he use to boast about how he saved 300+ sailors from dying from an excruciating death

He shot the cook

Margaret Thatcher walks out of a restaurant and sees a man with a sign "Falklands veteran, please give generously".

She hands him a 20 pound bill, then He gives a big smile and says "Muchas Gracias Señora!".

So, a young man was in demolitions training from a multi-campaign veteran. During drills he responded:

Okay, Boomer

A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts "If it weren't for me you'd all be speaking German!"

"That's right" replies the German teacher.

Steph Curry picks up a veteran and a rookie teammate on his way to a game against the Lakers.

While on the road, they wind up behind an SUV and Steph sees that Shaq is behind the wheel. Steph kicks it into overdrive and passes Shaq going 70 mph.

A little while later they see Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Mustang. Steph floors it and passes him going 80 mph.

Halfway to the game, t...

A bunch of American veterans decided to become communist in the afterlife

Better dead then red

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A crippled war veteran was walking down the street...

... and walking towards him was what seemed to be another grizzled man dragging one limp foot across the sidewalk.

As they approached closer, the crippled veteran gives the other man a nod of mutual respect and says, "Vietnam. 40 years back."

The other man replies, "Dog shit. 40 feet ...

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Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride...

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "l got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats. ...

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In honor of Veterans day I give you this..

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of
buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend
to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the
General's new bird dog, ''Sarge''.
The dog could point, flush and retri...

islas Malvinas

The English Government had finally decided to give the veterans of this terrible war between Argentina and the UK, some financial support, to the families of the veterans and to the veteran themselves. One of this war's veteran went to a pub in London and started pointing to a drink behind the barma...

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Three war veterans were having a beer at a port

They all had other nationalities; one was British, one was American and there was a German. They were having a chat in at a bar just close to the harbour 5 years after the war.

The Brit was telling about how good their motorcycles were. *we could drive almost 100 miles on one tank!*, said the...

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"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' ".

"This should of course have read 'battle-scared' ".

A group of veterans decided to put out a cover of an Aretha Franklin song

They're calling it RESPTSD .

How do you clear out a veterans bingo hall?

B 52.

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An old man who is a veteran of the great war was sitting in his chair next to his fireplace as usual when his grandchildren came for a cool story...

The kids asked "Grandpa grandpa! Tell us a story from your times of war before bed! Please please pleeease..."
The man is sick of telling those stories because they always remind him of the bad times and out of anger, he goes:

-One day when we were in the trench, the enemy got us outnumber...

A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.

First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."

"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.

"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."

Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."

"A doctor?" Asked the tea...

What does an American ww2 veteran say when you ask him if he wants some tea?

Sherman tanks!

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Did you hear about the Vietnam veteran who became a sewage worker?

He's seen some shit.

A new prisoner in the gulag is asked.....

"So how long are you in for?"

He replies, "Twenty years." The veteran prisoner is surprised: "Twenty?? What on earth could you have done?" The new man replies indignantly, "I did nothing, comrade! Honest!"

The veteran says, "But the sentence for doing nothing is only ten years."

A veteran's son asks him "Dad, did you get shot in the army?"

The dad replies, "Nope! But I got shot in the leggy."

A Karen boards a flight to Paris and takes a seat in first class that is not hers.

The first flight attendant politely asked her to move to her seat in coach. The Karen smugly replied, "I am going to Paris and I will sit wherever I please."

The second flight attendant approached her sternly and demanded that she move to coach to take her proper seat. The Karen shouted loudl...

When I grow up I want to be a veterinarian then go into the army, and become a veteran so I can become...

A Vet Vet

A pirates first day

It's a pirate's first day on a new ship. While swabbing the deck, he is approached by the captain. The captain is a weathered, veteran sailer and has three of the iconic pirate maladies- a peg leg, a hook for a hand, and an eyepatch.


The new pirate asks the captain how he got the peg leg....

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3 soldiers receive their payment

The war is over. It all depended on one mission.

After the 3 remaining survivors received their medals the president says: "I can not thank you enough. For your payment, you will choose any length from one body part to another and I will give you one thousand Dollars for every inches I measu...

A Veterans Day Joke: If Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House...

They should just rename it Viet Nam and see how fast he leaves.

Why wouldn't the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade?

There were too many vets.

Two elderly Russian veterans go to travel in the jungles of Congo

Two elderly Russian veterans go to travel in the jungles of Congo. They roam the jungle, singing vodka songs and hunting their own food for weeks, when suddenly a huge lion jumps on one of them out of nowhere, crushing the elderly Russian to the ground, vigorously biting off most of his vital organs...

The manager hired a new secretary.

She was young, sweet and polite.

One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

While leaving the room, she courteously said, "Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw t...

The two medical examiners

A seasoned medical examiner brings his new trainee to their very first crime scene. The grizzled veteran tells the rookie that “this is a messy one – are you sure you can handle it?”

The rookie says “of course – I’ve got this.”

So they go in and it is a mess. All sorts of human bits an...

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A UKIP candidate standing in local elections in Bristol has been revealed as a 40-year veteran of the porn industry.

Hardly surprising. The first thing I think when I hear, 'UKIP candidate' is always, 'enormous prick'.

Why didn't Donald Trump address the Veterans in the rain?

Have you ever seen what happens to cotton candy when it gets wet?

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