Placing three armed veterans in each school will stop school shootings

The shooter will see people with three arms and freak out.

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Veteran retirement salary

3 US Veterans are sitting before their last medical check-up.

The doctor walks out and says: we are going to take one measurement from your body and it will be your monthly payment for the retirement.

all the veterans agree. The first says from my toes to my head, they take the measur...

A grizzled veteran notices a new recruit in the warzone and walks up to him.

"Did you come here to die?"


"Naw mate, Ai came here yesterdai!"

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My dad says we shouldn't reward people with trophies for participation, because it's like a reward for losing.

So I took his Vietnam Veteran hat

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A disabled veteran

A guy goes into a post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee".

"Have you ever been in the military?"

"Yes, I serves two years in Iraq"

The interviewer says "that will give you ...

What is the insurance for Canadian military veterans?

U-S-eh-eh

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Fred mistakenly gets on a bus full of war veterans, but upon discovering it is going his way, decides to stay on for the ride...

He sits down next to a guy that jerks his head to the left every few seconds, over and over. This really starts to get on Fred's nerves so he asks him, "What the hell is wrong with you?"

The reply is, "l got this in the war."

Fred finds this pretty annoying so he switches seats. ...

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What do you call it when a veteran nuts in a prostitute?

Dishonorable discharge.

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An old man who is a veteran of the great war was sitting in his chair next to his fireplace as usual when his grandchildren came for a cool story...

The kids asked "Grandpa grandpa! Tell us a story from your times of war before bed! Please please pleeease..."
The man is sick of telling those stories because they always remind him of the bad times and out of anger, he goes:

-One day when we were in the trench, the enemy got us outnumber...

A Veterans Day Joke: If Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House...

They should just rename it Viet Nam and see how fast he leaves.

What did a husband say to his veteran wife that recently gave birth?

Thank you for your cervix

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"The Daily Post wishes to apologise for a misprint in last Saturday's edition which described Major-General Sir John Simpkin as a 'bottle-scarred veteran' ".

"This should of course have read 'battle-scared' ".

My Papa was a World War 2 Navy veteran and he use to boast about how he saved 300+ sailors from dying from an excruciating death

He shot the cook

Two 90 yo war veterans are sitting in a park

- Ah, when I remember how hard it was. 10 000 of us and 100 000 of them... I shat myself..
- Well how could you not, there were 10 times as many of them?
- No, not then, now...

Margaret Thatcher walks out of a restaurant and sees a man with a sign "Falklands veteran, please give generously".

She hands him a 20 pound bill, then He gives a big smile and says "Muchas Gracias Señora!".

How many Vietnam veterans do you need to change a light bulb?

“YOU DON’T KNOW??? YOU DON’T KNOW BECAUSE YOU WEREN’T THERE MAN!! YOU WEREN’T THERE!!”

What do you call a soldier who has survived mustard gas and pepper spray?

A seasoned veteran.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.



A few other excellent puns:

He wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then he changed his mind.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? - Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

A ...

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(A little long) There was a man who had just been booked into prison for the first time and was visibly nervous

A veteran inmate who has been there a while saw the newbie and went over and said “Hey, I can tell you’re new here and you’re nervous but prison is alright.”


The newbie responded “yeah?”


“Of course,” responded the vet. “Like for example do you like golfing?”


The new...

Why did the waiter get a veterans discount

Because he SERVED our country

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A farmer separated the bulls and cows to prepare them for the mating season a few days later

He built a wall with barbed wires on top.*

*A young bull could not resist his temptations and wanted to mate a cow.*

*Other bulls told him there was one veteran consultant bull amongst them that could help.*

*The bull went to him and asked how to cross the wall to the cows.*...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

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A guy goes to an interview for a job as a government accountant.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"
The guy says, "Why yes, in fact, I served two tours in Vietnam."
"Good," says the interviewer, "that counts in your favor. Do you have any service related disabilities?"
The guy says, "In fact I am 100% disabled. During a battle, an explosion r...

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What's the difference between an animal doctor and an ex nazi?

One's a veterinarian, and the other's an aryan veteran

Remember, if you sleep with a female veteran tomorrow,

Be sure to thank them for their cervix.

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My grandfather, a Vietnam veteran,hooked up with a Viet girl a few years after the war.

He told me the story of how they met at a bar, and how he took her home that night, and how he began having PTSD flashbacks as soon as she undressed.

"Why's that?" I asked him.

"It was just like the war," he said. "I couldn't see the Vietnamese in all the bush."

\----

Be...

An elderly RAF veteran was giving a talk at an all girls school...

He was called in to give a motivational talk about British moral during the war, and was trying to explain what a typical mission would be like.

"So there I was, escorting the bombers to their target, when out of the blue, we became surround by a pack of these Fokkers. I had two Fokkers in ei...

Many veterans experience PTSD from the loud bangs of fireworks around holidays like 4th of July and New Years. My advice to them is to use noise-cancelling headphones, Netflix, and pharmaceutical-grade weed.

Just like the children of Kabul.

So, a young man was in demolitions training from a multi-campaign veteran. During drills he responded:

Okay, Boomer

A man walks into a supermarket, unfortunately his zipper is down

A young female cashier approached the man and said to him, "Your barracks door is open." Not a phrase that men usually use, so the man went about his business in the store, slightly confused.

As he was almost done with his shopping, another man came up to him and said, "Hey buddy, your fly is...

A veteran walks into the bar

A veteran called Robert walks into the bar and grabs a drink. The man to his right begins a conversation. After an hour and many drinks pass by, they find out that they were both veterans from Vietnam.

Robert: I was only a helicopter mechanic, but I have seen all the horrors of that war. ...

My dad, a vietnam veteran, told me that there's one thing that always sticks with kids and adults no matter how old they are.

Napalm

My grandpa was a WW2 veteran. He destroyed four planes and killed twelve men in one day.

He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe had.

I’m getting one of the first covid shots

I got choosen to receive one of the first covid vaccines shots. Since I’m 78yo old Vietnam veteran. I said, "Can I get it in my left arm". They said sure. I said “Well good, it got blown off in Vietnam in 68, can you bring me back my West Point ring while your over there.”




Edit f...

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A world war 2 fighter pilot is giving a talk to a group of school children about the Battle of Britain

An RAF veteran from the free Polish forces is giving a talk to a class of young school children and was trying to explain what the battle of Britain was like.

" Out of the blue we were attacked by a bunch of Fokkers. There were about 20 of these Fokkers. One took out my buddy, but I managed ...

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My grandad was a WWII veteran. In just one day during the Battle of Britain, he destroyed 8 German aircraft killing a total of 32 Nazi aviators.

He was easily the worst aircraft mechanic the Luftwaffe has ever had.

What’s the worst place to cook popcorn?

A retired veterans house.

Went to a game with my dad today and as we were standing up to sing, the veteran in him kicked in and he began tearing up. I said to him, "You know, technically, national anthems are just…"

"…country music."

Why do WWI veterans dislike golf?

They always end up in the bunker.

Why did the Vietnam veteran cross the road?

''YOU WEREN'T THERE!!!!!!!!"

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How are war veterans and janitors alike?

You won't believe the shit they've seen!!

When I grow up I want to be a veterinarian then go into the army, and become a veteran so I can become...

A Vet Vet

Steph Curry picks up a veteran and a rookie teammate on his way to a game against the Lakers.

While on the road, they wind up behind an SUV and Steph sees that Shaq is behind the wheel. Steph kicks it into overdrive and passes Shaq going 70 mph.

A little while later they see Arnold Schwarzenegger in a Mustang. Steph floors it and passes him going 80 mph.

Halfway to the game, t...

I asked my veteran friend what the first ranking is in the military, but I couldn't get a straight answer.

He just kept telling me it's private.

A war veteran is lost in the rural deserts of Afghanistan.

A war veteran is lost in the rural deserts of Afghanistan, eager for just a single drink of water. As he's roaming through the country's rugged terrain, he spots in the distance what appears to be a vendor running a small stand. Figuring that there is no one else in the vicinity, he decides to go to...

A young city biker walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis

A young city biker walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. Sturgis! He finally made it. He had several items on his must-do list, and this tavern was one of them. The chili, he'd been told, was world famous.

As he sits down at the bar, he notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, s...

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A WWII veteran goes to a doctor's appointment

An old veteran sits down in the doctor's office for his check up. As usual, the doctor goes through the necessary questions.

"Okay," says the doc, "when's the last time you were sexually active?"

"1946," says the veteran.

"Oh. It's been a while, huh?"

The veteran shrugs a...

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A 93 year-old Army veteran arrived in Paris by plane.

As he was fumbling in his bag for a passport, a stern French customs agent asked if he was in France before. He admitted that he had indeed been previously. The lady then said, "Then you should know to have your passport out and ready, Sir."

The veteran said, "Well, I didn't have to show it l...

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An American revolutionary war veteran went to London for a grand ball.

Upon his arrival, the man in charge welcomed him graciously. They laughed and danced with the men and women until midnight, where he suddenly felt the urge to use the bathroom.

After receiving directions by the man, he walked inside the large bathroom to find that the only decoration was a ...

The veteran’s affairs office requests several ex-soldiers to come by and hear about a new pension plan.

“Alright men,” the official begins, “we’ve tried out a lot of pension plans in the past and none of them have worked out. At this point, we’re winging it. We’re going to measure between two points of your body, and whatever the distance is in inches, that’s how many thousand dollars you’ll get. So t...

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Veteran Survives Torture

After many years in captivity in enemy territory, Lt. Victor Danforth returns to home to much fanfare. After his return he is interviewed by journalists on national tv.


"Lt. Victor. You were endlessly tortured by the enemy, but you held out. How did you do it?"

"I'm sure there wa...

A bunch of American veterans decided to become communist in the afterlife

Better dead then red

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A man with no arms

A war veteran has lost his left arm in the battle.He spent months trying to get over it but he is still depressed about it.
One day, he saw a man with no arms,but he was jumping and running on the street and seems happy.
Veteran approached to him and asked;
-I lost my left arm in battle and...

What do you call a veteran who sleeps in a bathroom stall?

A loo-tenant.

never show a Vietnam veteran the movie The Loras

He's had enough of people speaking for the trees.

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Veteran reintegrating into civilian life

A military veteran is assimilating back to civilian life and begins applying for jobs. He puts in an application with the state hoping for a 9-5 office job with decent benefits. They call him in for an interview. The interviewer is looking over his application and asks him about his military service...

A WW2 veteran came to a class to tell his story

"I was a B17 pilot," he began, "It was more stressful than you can possibly imagine. Your life in the hands of others that also held the life of his comrades around him. Let me tell you, it wasn't an easy job for anyone to shoot those fokkers down."

The class snickered at the word 'fokkers'.<...

I asked my veteran grandfather what’s the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet?

“Why didn’t you become a real doctor?”

A group of veterans decided to put out a cover of an Aretha Franklin song

They're calling it RESPTSD .

A US World War 2 Veteran goes to France

A US WWll vet goes to France with his family for a holiday, as they arrive in France the family all go through border control without a problem. The veteran tries to walk past but is told by a French woman who worked at border control that he can’t as he doesn’t have his passport or papers out.
<...

An Iraq War Veteran Walks into a Bar

He quietly takes a seat and asks for a bourbon, double. The bartender obliges, and notices the man's dog-tags while he pours the drink. "First one's on the house – for your service." The veteran nods in approval and reaches towards his glass, but drops it just as he picks it up, spilling the whiskey...

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A very old veteran is telling a war story to his grandkids...

"So... My commander told me I was volunteering for scouting the area... So I grabbed my gun and went. After maybe two miles crawling in the mud, I fell into a hole and lost my rifle. As I got up, I found myself unarmed in front of 5 german soldiers! And then.... I shat my pants....

-That's un...

A Duck walks into a bar

He approaches the barman and asks "Hey, do you guys have any bread"

The barman is struck in awe as there is a bloody talking duck in front of him but answers in confidence "Nah can't help you mate"

The duck walks out only to return a mere minute and a half later.

"Hey, do you gu...

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A guy named Danny walks into a bar...

A guy named Danny walks into a bar, tells the bartender to get him four shots of the highest proof he has, and says, “I need to forget.”

A pretty girl next to him gets curious and asks, “What do you need to forget?” And Danny replies with, “I’ll tell you but you won’t like it.” “I’ve been wit...

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Frank, British war veteran and quadriplegic, was a raging alcoholic.

When he was sober, Frank was a mean bad ass mother fucker, that no-one dare cross.

But when Frank was legless he was 'armless.

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Veteran Wine Taster

At a wine merchant's warehouse the regular taster died, and the director started looking for a new one to hire. He posted a sign at the entrance to the building... EXPERIENCED WINE TASTER NEEDED --POSITION STARTS IMMEDIATELY.

A retired veteran named "Ace," drunk and with a ragged dirty look a...

A Bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts "If it weren't for me you'd all be speaking German!"

"That's right" replies the German teacher.

Did you know there is a Hungry Hippo that was a US Military Veteran?

Yeah! He fought in VietNOM-NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM

r/jokes Rich Lawyer on a plane next to philanthropist

Rich lawyer is sitting in first class next to the head of a major charity organization.

Head of said charity takes the opportunity to introduce himself and the cause, but lawyer isn’t interested in giving. No surprise. He’s notoriously rich and not very friendly.

Finally, charity dire...

My grandfather survived agent orange during the Vietnam war. My great grandfather survived mustard gas in WWII.

I come from a line of seasoned veterans.

[Long] Veteran of Mexican war

Guy walks down the street of Texas when he sees a homeless guy with wooden leg. He immediately thinks: "Of course, some dirty homeless guy asking for money...".

Then he notices a written note in front of the homeless guy saying: "Veteran of Mexican war".

Guy remembers what was going ...

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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A war veteran interviews for a job...

A war veteran goes to a job interview at a factory. Browsing over the vet's resume, the manager of the factory seems impressed.
"I have one question" he asks. "Do you have any disabilities that will prevent you from completing your work?"

"Well, I had both of my testicles blown off in Nam...

Where do all the world war 1 veterans hang out?

In the Trench Club

How do cannibals prefer veterans?

Seasoned.

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I just read that a veteran policeman has been suspended from his job...

after being caught masturbating and smoking weed in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

Vietnam veteran's hilarious true story

A bunch of US soldiers were marching across a field. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Hey, do you see where we are?" He looks around and realizes they are walking through a massive field of marijuana. The soldiers started breaking off plants and stuffing them into their clothes and their helmets,...

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What do you call a veteran pornstar?

train’d professional

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Vietnam veteran comes back from a tour of duty...

only to find out he has some kind of exotic STD. his dick burns when he pisses and has lumps and bumps on it that are red, green, blue and purple. He goes to the V.A. hospital and the doctor says he's never seen anything like it, but he's pretty sure he's going to have to amputate.

"Fuck tha...

What does an American ww2 veteran say when you ask him if he wants some tea?

Sherman tanks!

A quote from a WWII veteran...

If you see a group of soldiers but don't know where they're from fire a stray bullet in their direction and see how they react.

If they respond with precise rifle fire they're British.

If they respond with a frenzy of machine gun fire they're German.

If they try running away the...

A week before Memorial Day, kids bring pictures of veteran family members to school for show and tell.

First up was Mary. "My daddy served in Afghanistan. He was a paratrooper."

"A paratrooper?" Asked the teacher, who was awed.

"Yes, please look closer -- you can see his jump badge."

Second was Joe. "My granny served in Vietnam. She was a doctor."

"A doctor?" Asked the tea...

So the army is forced to cut the pensions of some of their veterans...

In order to repay the veterans for their service they bring in three veterans. They tell the three that they will be reimbursed in money, in that each one can choose two points of their body, and the distance between the two will be how much money they receive.
Anyway, the first man goes and says...

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II...

Since my grandfather had served during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, "Did you ever kill anyone?"

He got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, "Probably. I was the cook."

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A veteran is being interviewed for a job...

and it looks like hes going to get it. When the interviewer asks

I. Do you have any medical issues we should know about?

V. When I was in the war my testicles were blown off. I take pills for it so its not an issue though. Only problem is I cant drink coffee now. The caffeine will int...

The local charity realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.

The law...

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An old veteran is sitting in a bar

A prostitute looking for work approaches him. "Say old man, when was the last time you had sex?"

The man responds "That must have been around 1958"

"1958?" exclaims the prostitute "that's a mighty long time you haven't slept with a woman!"

"Is it?" replies the man, and looks at...

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The new hooker just finished her first trick, when she came down the street, the seasoned veterans gathered around to hear the details.

She said "Well, he was a big muscular handsome
sailor."

"Well, what did he want you to do?", They all
asked.

She said, "I told im a straight lay would be $100,
but he didn't have that much."

Then she told him, "Oral sex would be $75, but he
didn't have that much eith...

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Anyone else hate their war veteran grandads at the dinner table?

I'm trying to eat dinner here grandad I don't care how many Jews you've killed!!!

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In honor of Veterans day I give you this..

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of
buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend
to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the
General's new bird dog, ''Sarge''.
The dog could point, flush and retri...

A veteran's son asks him "Dad, did you get shot in the army?"

The dad replies, "Nope! But I got shot in the leggy."

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Three war veterans were having a beer at a port

They all had other nationalities; one was British, one was American and there was a German. They were having a chat in at a bar just close to the harbour 5 years after the war.

The Brit was telling about how good their motorcycles were. *we could drive almost 100 miles on one tank!*, said the...

Why did the German soldier help the wounded puppy?

Because he was a veteran Aryan

U.S male active duty and veterans...on this special day, make sure to call up all your old flames, current lovers. Wives and girlfriends as well as any others who helped you out during long deployments and say.....

"Thank you for your cervix!"

How do you clear out a veterans bingo hall?

B 52.

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A WWII Veteran on his deathbed...

turns to his son.

Father: "I think it's time I finally told you of how I escaped as a POW from the Germans".

Son: "I'm listening father"

Father: "It was the greatest plan ever concocted".

Son: "What was the plan called?"

Father: "It started off as a simple lie to o...

A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.

So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrass...

My Grandpa who is a veteran had a heart of a lion

Which is why he is banned from every zoo

Two elderly Russian veterans go to travel in the jungles of Congo

Two elderly Russian veterans go to travel in the jungles of Congo. They roam the jungle, singing vodka songs and hunting their own food for weeks, when suddenly a huge lion jumps on one of them out of nowhere, crushing the elderly Russian to the ground, vigorously biting off most of his vital organs...

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An old WWII veteran was speaking with his grandson

and extolling the virtues of being reckless and enjoying life while young.
"When I was your age, I went to Paris with some lads and we had a great time! We had our way with any French women we wanted, pissed on the Eifel tower, and beat the shit out of every Frog that crossed our paths! You have...

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Two veteran comedians were at a Christmas party.

“What sort of a set-up is this anyway? There’s a line over there for bad food, another one for terrible champagne, which one are we in?”

“I think this is the shitty punch line.”

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A crippled war veteran was walking down the street...

... and walking towards him was what seemed to be another grizzled man dragging one limp foot across the sidewalk.

As they approached closer, the crippled veteran gives the other man a nod of mutual respect and says, "Vietnam. 40 years back."

The other man replies, "Dog shit. 40 feet ...

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Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday...

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection.

He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years.

Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the...

Falklands veteran

A British officer spotted a busker in the London Underground with a sign that read: "VETERAN SOLDIER OF THE FALKLANDS WAR." The officer thought, "Poor chap, I was there and it was awful!" Feeling sorry for a fellow veteran, he took £20 out of his wallet and gave it to the busker. The officer was th...

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Are the Nazis who fought in WWII veteran-Aryans?

And can I bring my dog to them for a checkup?

A very old German veteran took the bus home after visiting a history museum.

On the bus, he decided to take a quick 10 minute nap.

When he woke up, his shoes were gone.

Surprised, he asked the young lady sitting beside him if she had seen it. She replied in the negative.

After some more minutes of searching around without success, his frustration turned ...

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Did you hear about the Vietnam veteran who became a sewage worker?

He's seen some shit.

I became a chef after I left the army.

Some would say I am a seasoned veteran.

Help! Short Military Jokes Needed

Presenting to a group of a couple hundred for Veterans Day and am looking to add a few jokes between presentations. Looking to poke fun at the different services with quick 2-3 sentence jokes. Anyone have an good quick jabs or jokes they could share?

The New Secretary

Mr Robinson hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and very polite. While taking dictation one morning she noticed that Mr Robinson's fly was open. Upon leaving the room she said "Mr Robinson, your barracks door is open." He was puzzled by her remark but later in the day noticed that his zipper...

Why wouldn't the dog attend the Veterans Day Parade?

There were too many vets.

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