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Retired Jokes

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Why do retired Nazis make good animal doctors?

Because they're all Veteran Aryans.

Soon after the General retired..., he decided he must do something different...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...!

*He soon found himself on an island with no flagstaff, no batmen, no ADC, no club, no canteen, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.*

After about four months,...

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris.

Turns out that idea was taken. I then had another idea for a movie where the same agent is kidnapped with his ex-wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

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A Sexy Girl in a Party Asked a Retired Army Colonel:When did you last have sex ?

Colonel:1955.

She Said: That Was So Long Ago ! Wanna Have Some Now ?

The Colonel Looked at His Watch: Sure, Why Not
Its Only 2130 !!!

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is...

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

Retired General meets a younger woman at a party...

and after getting a little flirty, the woman asks him the last time he made love to a woman. The general stood tall and said "1956 ma'am." The woman, surprised, said "1956?! That long?! Let me make your night better..." and the two sauntered away to a private room. The woman began to strip and the ...

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An old and crusty retired Army Master Sergeant was sitting by himself at a bar [mildly NSFW]

...when a beautiful blonde bombshell comes in the room. She noticed the old Master Sergeant right away. She finds him rugged and handsome, and sits down next to him.

"May I buy you a drink?" she asks him. He obliges.

She's obviously interested in him. The blonde says to him "So t...

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

What was Bob the Builder called when he retired?

Bob

I have a ton of jokes about retired people.

None of them work.

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

Why did the retired greek warrior go to the doctor?

For post-spartan depression

A retired exorcist.

A while back I did some exorcist work with the Church and became pretty renowned for my efforts. I am known by all priest and demonkind. Only a few months into my early retirement, I got a rather strange phone call of someone asking for my assistance. His voice was deep and frantic.

Exorcist...

A co-worker found out I'm 'semi-retired.' "What's that like?" he asked.

"It's like being semi-erect. It ain't too hard, but you still can't do what you want."

Original content, as far as I know. I actually said this at work today. We laughed and laughed. Then I cried a little.

My ex-girlfriend's father, a 6'4" retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.

I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!"

"Sir?" I asked.

"When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical..."

"Yes, sir"

"But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you ...

A retired couple sitting at home was reliving their 50 years of marriage together.

The wife finally had gotten the courage to ask “Whats the cigar box under the bed you told me to never open?”

The husband sat a moment and then got up, abruptly leaving the room. When he returned, he had the cigar box. He sat down and opened it. Inside, there were three 50$ bills.

“I w...

Why is the retired palaeontologist so lonely?

He’s always dating himself

Old army joke

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. He calls the previous commander up, now a maj...

I just retired.

But I've been watching so much TV I consider myself a Remote Worker

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An retired elderly couple visit London..

They get picked up from the airport in a london black cab and head off into the city for some adventure.

The cab driver say "where you from guvnor?"

Husband. "we're from South Africa"..

The wife is a little hard of hearing asks her husband.

"What did he say?"

The ...

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment...

...when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.
Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it be?'
...

What do you call a retired cowboy?

Deranged.

After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired.

Adios, amigo.

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[NSFW] Sailor Smitty has retired after a long life at sea, and decides to go to college.

One of the first classes he takes is “Human Sexuality 101.” Why not?

On the first day of class the professor says “We will be discussing a variety of human sexual combinations and experiences. There are a great many… “

Sailor Smitty shouts “104!”

The professor says “That...

Retired KGB agent

A watchmaker walks into a bar and orders a beer. "A watchmaker? You don't meet one of those everyday," the bartender comments. "I'm actually more than just a watchmaker. I used to work for the KGB," the watchmaker confides. "I have ways of making you tock."

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My Dad's a retired Gynecologist.

He's out sailing the world, sipping cocktails and enjoying his spare time hopping from hobby to hobby. I'm so happy for him.

It's like he used to say to his old clients, "as long as I put the work in now, the day will come when i'll be able to enjoy the fruits of your labia".

A retired man named Dave took a part-time job at a small woodshop, but every morning, he was late.

Five minutes, ten minutes, fifteen minutes. The owner wasn't too upset because Dave was great with customers, but one day he got curious.

"Hey Dave," the owner asked. "What did they say at your last job when you came in late all the time?"

"They said the same thing no matter what tim...

My coworker, Kelvin, recently retired from the weather station and was replaced by a new guy named Celsius

He's the new temp.

Retired British Army Officers

“Say, old chap, did I ever tell you about the time I was attacked by a Bengal tiger?”


“I dare say I’ve not heard that one.”


“I decided one summer to try my hand at taking down one of the royal beasts. I hired a guide from the local village and armed with my rifle we set out...

Why did the old desperado become a Denny's franchisee when he retired?

.....
.....
Because he always had a way with them senior eaters!

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I have just retired.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for benefits.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left it at home. I told the woman I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman ...

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

Ever since I retired from being a math teacher, my whole life has been …

… dealing with the aftermath.

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I can never tell if an old porn star is retired...(NSFW)

Or if they just quit their fucking job.

What do you call a retired UPS worker?

Post-age
(Sorry if repost)

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A man who dedicated his life to sexual exploration retired today at the age of 90.

When asked why, he said, "I actually prefer traditional sex nowadays, the only kink i have left is the one in my neck."

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One day a man decides to join the US Marine corps.

During training, he just can't keep up, so the sergeant tells him to go home and wait until he's called upon as a reserve.

35 years go by and the man is still not called into action, so he decides to retire.

Out fishing one day, enjoying his retirement, a car flys past him out of contr...

A young pastor sought advice from a retired clergyman on how to capture the attention of his congregation during his first sermon.

The experienced pastor suggested he start with an attention-grabbing opening line like, "Some of the best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman who was not my wife." He smiled at the younger man's shocked expression before adding, 'She was my mother.'

The following Sunday, the y...

I heard Arnold Schwarzenegger retired from acting but he still keeps busy.

He's working as an exterminator.


(Hi u/govschwarzenegger!)

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Three retired old men are sitting down for lunch and comparing their lives

The first old man says that every morning he's awake at 5 am and has to stand in front of the toilet for an hour just to urinate.

The second old man says that's nothing compared to how constipated his medication makes him. And he has to sit on the toilet for at least an hour every morning. <...

A retired banker went to a psychiatrist.

He said "For 30 years, I worked in a bank as a teller. Every day i would serve dozens of customers. I loved my job and never missed a day.
Last month, i retired.
Since then, every time i pass a bank, i have a huge craving to enter and take out money.
Even if i pass an ATM, i have to stop a...

What is the best country for retired runners?

Iran

Apparently Santa has retired.

He’s passed all his responsibilities to Amazon.

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

Why did the retired Stormtrooper reenlist...

He missed it.

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

A retired marine wanted to die in a cool way...

So he decided: "I'm going to canoe across the Atlantic Ocean, a wave ought kill me!"

And so he went, with his little canoe paddling across the Atlantic Ocean, always screaming:

"One, Two, Three, Four, Marine Corps, Oh Rah Oh Rah, Marine Corps!"

God looks upon him and says: "He s...

What did the retired detective call his new real-estate business?

Sherlock Homes.

A retired Army General moves into a new apartment after quitting service.

Over the next few weeks, his new neighbors realized that on the weekends he would return to his apartment at 2am very drunk, remove his left boot and slam it on the floor, remove his right boot and slam it on the floor even harder and then go to sleep. Since the force of these thunderous slams was e...

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A retired Marine walks into a bar...

with a noticeable limp from combat injuries. He hobbles up to the bar and asks for a whiskey. He sees a familiar face at the end of the bar and asks the bartender, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nods, so the Marine buys Jesus a whiskey.

A frail, hunchback woman comes in the bar,...

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A Retired Jewish Man Is Walking On The Beach, When He Sees A Bottle In The Sand.

He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out. The genie promises to grant him one wish.

The man pulls a crumpled map from his pocket and shows it to the genie. He says, "Peace in the Middle East, that's my wish."

The genie studies the map, but looks looks concerned. He hands the...

How to retire when business is poor

Two elderly men met in a town in Florida, and began to talk to each other. It turned out both of them were from Oregon, and had owned small factories, and had now retired and moved to Florida.

"I had a factory that produced high-end furniture," said the first man. "Was successful for many yea...

What did the retired priest call his pizza shop?

Cheesus Crust

My father-in-law is a retired preacher.

The put him out to pastor.

How do retired Chinese sailors greet each other?

Long time no sea.

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The Pentagon found that it employed too many generals and decided to send some with early retirement.

They promised every general retired a full annual income and all associated benefits plus $ 10,000 for each inch measured in a straight line between two self-chosen points on his own body.

The first who accepted the retirement plan asked to measure the distance between the tips of his toes an...

What do you call a retired mailman?

A post officer

Have you heard the one about the retired baker

Of course you haven’t . No one has for years .

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo

Retired Rattlesnake Roadside-Romeo was on the side of a dirt road in rural Arizona. On the other side of the road was a chicken.
So, he hollers, "Hey there! Babe! I don't usually talk with random chicks, but you ought to know that I am like a hundred years old. Do you want to know the secret to...

Bary, Hary and Lary retired as pirates

They all lost their Arrr

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Retired Sailor

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks once more for old time's sake. He hires a prostitute and takes her up to the room. He's going at it as best as he can for a guy his age and asks, "How am I doing?" The prostitute says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three kn...

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Retirement is different for everyone..

One day while going to the store I passed by a nursing home.

On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass!

Of course I thought this was a bit unusual, but I continued on my way to the store.

On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the same six ol...

Retired atheists will now get extra money according to a weird new proposal, which has been dubbed

sus pension of disbelief.

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Retired

I know alot of jokes about retired people...

But they never worked

When can "Dad" jokes be retired?

When the kids are fully groan.

My new hobby is going to nursing homes and pretending to be a retired senior citizen.

We call it LAARPing.

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[OC] An airline captain is holding interviews for a new copilot after the former one retired

He holds a series of back to back interviews, each one going seemingly better than the last. On the last scheduled interview for the day, a man walks in holding a human turd. He places the turd in the chair facing the captain. Seeing the captain's confused look, the man explains that the turd will b...

Why couldn't the retired pimp water his lawn?

He no longer had any hose!

Retired Preacher man Sits on his sofa....

And he sees on the news channel there's a massive storm and flash floods coming.. news channel says to evacuate but he's stays put...
The Rain begins and so the flood waters rise.. his sofa starts to float .. so he climbs out onto the window ledge and a rescue boat comes along..

" *Jump ...

After 20 years, I retired from our local muffler repair shop.

I was exhausted.

We're in Trouble

The population of this country is 327 million.


76 million are retired.


That leaves 251 million to do the work. 


There are 48 million people who are permanently disabled.


Which leaves 203 million to do the work


There are 74 million chil...

I retired from rock drumming, but now I'm back!

Repercussions

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