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Racing Jokes

My wife and kids are leaving me because they say I’m obsessed with Horse Racing.

I'm looking out the window at them now........... and they're off.....

I removed the shell from my racing snail.

I thought it would make it faster, but if anything it’s more sluggish.

My friend invited me to go drag racing with him and I thought yeah that sounds fun

Turns out it is really freaking hard to run in the heels

(OC - and stupid) If there was a reindeer racing league, what would it be named?

NASCARibou

I removed the shells from my racing snails to help them go faster

It only made them more sluggish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Horse racing.

I bought a really old race horse today.

I called him "My Face."

I don't care if he doesn't win,

I just want to hear a load of posh fuckers shouting

"Come on My Face."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donkey Racing in Texas.

A Preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep so the preacher ended up buying a donkey. He figured that since he had it,...

R stands for Racing

that's exactly what I thought too before shifting the gear on my car to R at 120 mph

Racing a bear

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second...

Drag racing is my favorite sport

I'm just so amazed at how fast they can run in heels.

My wife said that she would take the kids and leave me if I didn't stop betting on horse racing.

"And they are Offffff!!!!!!!!"

What kind of car racing comes from Mexico?

Formula Juan

A racing bike and a chopper

A biker with a racing bike brags before chopper bikers and dares them to race. Despite the fact that he's obviously faster, the oldest of the chopper bikers agrees. The racing biker wants to bet $1000, but the chopper owner has no money so they agree to race for the honor of the victory.

They...

Aladdin Banned from Flying Carpet Racing

Sources say for use of Performance Enhancing Rugs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race...

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, deci...

What do a bad computer and a bad racing team have in common?

Drivers that frequently crash

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Based on a true story): My 6 year old son walked into the family room while I was watching a movie. He points at me and proclaims "You licked a puss!"...

I muted the TV and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. "I'm sorry? What did you say?"

He pointed again and proclaimed "YOU LICKED A PUSS!"

My mind stared racing... "Did we leave the door opened on date night last Saturday?" I then looked behind me and saw a candle burning.

"Son...

I dont really like watching f1 racing anymore

because I find f5 to be more refreshing.

2 cats are racing across the English Channel,

an English cat named "123" and a French cat named "Un deux trois." Which cat won the race?

A: The English cat. Un deux trois cat sank.

Been getting into snail racing

You know, snail racing!

You draw a small ring inside larger ring and everyone puts their snail inside the small ring and the first snail to reach the outer ring wins!

Been losing alot latley and been trying everything to make my snail faster, even tried taking off his shell.

But...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three racehorses and a racing dog are together after a day of racing.

The first horse says: "You guys won't believe what happed to me in the race today! I was taking my time at the race I was like 12th or 13th not caring too much. And then I suddenly felt a sting on my ass, I sprang forward and before I realized I fished the race 1st."


The second horse sa...

I've been breeding racing deer

Just trying to make a quick buck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

Racing game chair for sale!

Complete with skid marks!

Racing..

‪I was in a bar the other day when a girl asked me, "What do you do?"‬

‪I said, "I race motorcycles."‬

‪She asked, "Do you win many races?"‬

‪I said, "No, the bikes are much faster."‬

I'm thinking about getting into drag racing...

It looks pretty straight forward.

A snail started racing NASCAR and asked the racing board if he could use an S on his car instead of a number.

"Why would you want to do that?" one of the board members asked.

"So that when I speed around the track, the onlookers will shout, 'What the hell was in that acid, snails can't drive cars!"

A man wakes up and looks at his clock. It is 7:07 am.

He gets out of bed, goes downstairs and glances at his calendar. It says it is July 7, the seventh day of the seventh month.
As he steps outside he notices Bus #7 going by. He walks to a coffee shop and orders a coffee and a bite to eat and the bill comes to $7.77.

The man thinks "hmm...

Racing Goose

I've got some racing geese for sale, let me know if you want a quick gander!?

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jimmy was racing his friends to the nearest tree

"Last one there's a piece of shit!" one of the older kids said.

This motivated Jimmy. He was set on winning.

He would not be deterred.

What racing series do rappers compete in?

NasCar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a nazi racing movie?

Fast and Fuhrer-ious

I’ve lost a small fortune on my last 3 horse racing bets.

Firstly, ‘Sunshine’ threw the jockey,
Then, ‘moonlight’ fell at the first hurdle,
And finally, ‘good times’ finished last.

I blame it on the bookie.

My wife and child left me due to my horse racing addiction

Aaaand they're off

A cheetah and a lion are racing...

The cheetah wins...

The lion says, "You a cheetah!"

The cheetah replies, "Nah, you a lion!"

As a hedge-fund manager gets out of his brand-new Audi, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door.

“My Audi! My beautiful silver Audi is ruined!” he screams.

A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you didn’t even realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”

The hedge fund ma...

I bought a racing snail

I bought a racing snail but it kept losing. In desperation I removed it's shell, thinking it would be lighter and faster.

It didn't work, it became more sluggish.

I like drag racing

Dressing up in women's clothing and driving down the street full speed

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the sperm cells are getting ready for that moment when they would race down and be the first to impregnate the egg.

The day finally come, they felt vibration and began racing down the shaft. The cell in first place is so excited he could almost see the end. Then all of a sudden, he turns around, waves at everyone behind him and yells, "Turn around, turn around, it's a blowjob!"

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