I took the shell of my racing snail thinking it would make him run faster.

If anything, it made him more sluggish

If horse racing is the "sport of kings"

is drag racing the sport of queens?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman was racing home; running stop signs and drifting around corners...

She came hauling ass into the driveway; car screeching to a hault. She ran straight into the house. Slammed the door and shouted excitedly:

"Honey, pack your bags; I just won the lottery!"

Husband came out of his office, and ran up to the banister.

"Oh my god! What should I pack...

2 cats were racing across the English channel

An english cat named onetwothree, and a french cat name undeuxtrois.

Which cat won?

123 cat won because undeuxtroix quatre cinq

My wife and kid are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing...

And they are off...

What's the difference between greyhound racing and R Kelly..?

The greyhounds wait for the hare.

Why should two racing car drivers never couple up?

Because they are both too worried about who finishes first.

Saw a guy come racing out of our local flower shop, arms full of random product. Then the shop owner rushed out after him. I couldn't help, so I just yelled encouragement to her:

"Run, florist! Run!"

Aladdin Banned from Flying Carpet Racing

Sources say for use of Performance Enhancing Rugs

I used to have a a racing snail that kept losing.

I decided to remove its shell to try and speed it up, if anything it made it more sluggish.

What do you call someone who thinks NASCAR is superior to any other racing sport?

A racist.

We were at McDonalds racing down the slides and I beat my son

I explained to the police it was because he was trying to cheat.

A friend asked if I'd like to go drag racing,

I had to politely decline.

I can't even walk, never mind run in high heels

I tried drag racing the other day

It is murder trying to run in heels.

What's the best way to make a million dollars in racing?

Start with 2 million.

I love racing horses

even though i have no chance of beating them

Did you all hear about the new snail racing league?

Yeah, it's called NASCARGOT

I tried horse racing once, but I fell at the first fence.

I might have done better if I had a horse

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My son came racing up to me. He said, "Dad! I've got a spot on my face and my date will be here in a few hours!"

I told him to use toothpaste.

He said, "Will that get rid of it?"

"I don't know," I said. "But your breath fucking stinks."

What I don't understand about drag racing

is why they're all dressed like women.

What’s the hardest part about drag racing?

Running in heels.

I've been doing some drag racing recently.

It's quite the transsport.

What did Snoop Dogg change his name to when he got into R/C racing?

Snoop *Li-ion*.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Little Red Racing Car

A joke I heard back in my Primary school years. I remember finding it hilarious at the time.

*****

There was a family who had a pair of twins, both a mere 4 years old. One was a charming little boy, the other a dainty, coy girl.

One day, the girl and her mother went into the sho...

There's an old saying in NASCAR racing

What goes around comes around.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donkey Racing in Texas.

A Preacher who wanted to raise money for his church was told there was a fortune in horse racing, so he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However, at the local auction the going price for horses was too steep so the preacher ended up buying a donkey. He figured that since he had it,...

The racing driver

The racing driver can't work out why he's come in last in a race despite using the fastest, most technologically advance car.

With his support team, he checks the vehicle and finds three men in large dresses, full make-up and wigs sitting on the roof.

"There's the problem," says the en...

A cheetah and a lion are racing in Africa

After the cheetah easily wins, the lion complains: "Man, you're a cheetah" and the cheetah says: "Naw man you're a lion".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth...

Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before.

Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear wha...

Two sperm are racing each other to get to the egg first

After awhile one sperm says, "Shouldn't we be there by now?"

The other sperm says, "I don't think so, we just passed the esophagus."

Never remove the shells from racing snails

it makes them sluggish

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys are watching the Kentucky Derby.

One of the guys, Jeff, is there, bragging about how he has a really fast dog that can almost beat the horses. He bets everyone there 300$ that their pets can’t beat his dog in a race. The other guy, Steve, is wearing a trench coat. Steve walks up to Jeff and takes him up on the bet.

After the...

Racing a bear

Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second...

I cheated in the annual rabbit racing contest.....

I won by a hare

I tried to download Ford Racing 2 today...

It crashed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Horse Names banned by the British Horse Racing Authority

Chit Hot

Chocolate Starfish

Choke the Chicken

Curl One Off

Dick Face

Harry Azzol

Harry Balls

Harry Monk

Hugh G Dildeaux

Hugh G Rection

Hugh Gass Kisser

Hugh Gorgy

Hugh Janus

Ima Hoare

Ima Goodlay
...

2 sperm are racing toward the egg.

One sperm asks the other "How far is it until we reach the egg?"

The other sperm replies "It can't be far now we just passed the tonsils"

My Son said he didn't want a Birthday Card this year

So I went to the bakery, and picked out a cake.

​

I asked them to make the icing blue, write on the top of the cake 'Happy Birthday', add a quick message from myself & my wife, a little poem, & a nice picture of a racing car.

​

His birthday c...

Two silkworms are are racing each other...

And they ended up in a tie.

Annual Snail Racing Day

It was annual snail racing day and so, all the snails elected Snail B to judge while Snails J, P and O help set up the course. All the other snails then got into their designated soapbox cars, which were painted with their letter.

Snail B yelled out four beeps, and on the last and higher pitc...

Years ago I used to do a lot of drag racing...

...buy I kept tripping in those high heels

Driving in the middle

A policeman looked up to see a woman racing down the center of the road at 100 m.p.h. He pulled her over and said, “Hey, lady, would you mind telling me why you’re going so fast down the middle of the road?”

“Oh, it’s okay, Officer,” she replied. “I have a special license that allows me to ...

The two best racehorses in the country.

There were these two racehorses, Galem and Gollum. They were raised together and had been racing side by side their entire lives. Everyone loved to watch them. They were always faster than the other horses; as a matter of fact, they were the best racehorses in the country.

​
...

At first I thought drag racing games would be difficult..

Turns out, they're pretty straight forward.

A man needed a horse, so he went to a temple and got one.

Before he left, the priest told him that it was a special horse. In order to make the horse go, you say, "Thank God," and for it to stop you say, "Amen." So the man left, and a few minutes later he dozed off on his horse. Hours later, he woke up and his horse was racing him towards the edge of a cli...

so, I was out walking my usual night walk.

a woman was walking, a few meters in front of me, she was about 5 years younger than me. She had a purse that looked kinda expensive and a fur coat.

suddenly she started to walk faster, I got startled why did she begin to walk faster? I was too scared to look behind me so I just started walki...

A man is out driving his Lada when it brakes down on the autobahn

Soon afterwards a porsche pulls up behind the Lada, "do you want a tow?" The porsche driver offers.
"Yes please" exclaims the Lada driver "I will put on my indicators if I think you are going too fast"
The porsche driver agrees and sets off towing the Lada,
After about half an hour a Lambor...

What do you call two speeding men in dresses?

Drag racing.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An engineer dies and goes to hell...

He is welcomed by his orientation demon, who shows him around and explains how things work. The engineer notices that a lot of things aren't working and are in dire need of fixing. The air conditioning is busted, the network is overloaded, there's power shortages everywhere, everything is overheatin...

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.

Dad is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bedtime.
She says - God bless mommy and god bless daddy and god bless grandma and... goodbye grandpa.
He asks her - why did you say that?
I don't know, I just felt like saying it.
The next day, grandpa drops dead. Wow, think...

African Horses

In a world of horse racing dominated by the West, a new super power emerged. South African jockeys were jockeys were completely dismantling their opponents despite riding lame horses and weighing 250 pounds. Their budget just wasn't high enough to afford high quality gear, but they were still beatin...

President Trump decides to go for joh

On the White House lawn, the groundskeeper tells Trump that he oughta try racing around the White House.
Groundskeeper: “Every President for decades has raced around the White House. Your predecessor Barack Obama ran the entire race in 10 minutes.”
Trump: “That’s nothing! I can beat that! Beli...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There once was a man who’s lucky number was 5.

John was born on the 5th of May in 1955, at precisely 5:55 am, when his parents were both 55 years old. He lived on the fifth floor of an apartment, 5 hours away from his school.

As he grew up, the number five cropped up in his life in weird and wonderful ways. He was five minutes late to eve...

The Pope, the Packers & the Vikings

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the pope-mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just off shore. A helpless man wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the ja...

A man is walking home alone one foggy night...

... when behind him he hears

BUMP

BUMP

BUMP

He looks back warily and through the fog sees an upright casket hopping its way down the street toward him.

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing after him.

He runs up to his door, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dear Tech Support

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable pro...

You’re so old...

When they bury you, paleontologists will be racing to dig you back up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Ice Cream Truck pulls away from Acacia Drive, having served the happiest bunch of kids all day...

...the driver whistles a gay tune, the sun is shining, the traffic is good, there’s but a solitary car at the red light ahead.

Suddenly, there’s a banging on the side of the truck. Startled, he pulls away, thinking its a jacking. His heart racing he makes it to the next set of lights. He tur...

A boy gets a tractor for his birthday...

One day a young boy is lucky enough to be able to get a tractor for his birthday. He loves it and gets really good at driving it. Eventual once he is a bit older he enters into a tractor race and he manages to win first place. He gets better and better, entering more and more races earning quite a b...

I dont care if I seem racist

Drag racing just is not as impressive as formula 1.

Wives seem to love this one

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A greyhound walks into a bar...

A greyhound walks into a bar and takes a look around. There are three horses sitting at the counter chatting away, he decides to sit close enough to overhear their conversation.

The first horse says, “I have an incredible story for you guys! I was racing last Friday, two minutes in and I am l...

[Long] The Farmers horse

There was a farmer who owned a small ranch with some livestock and two horses, Razzle and Dazzle. One day a traveling salesmen knocks on his door. While waiting for the farmer to answer he notices the horses racing around their pen. After he gives his sales pitch he says to the farmer:
"You know ...

The high-speed Prius.

There is a broken Toyota Prius on the side of an American highway.

Suddenly, a Bugatti driver pulls up next to the Prius and offers to tow the hybrid to the nearest repair shop. The Toyota owner agrees. They also agree on that the Prius driver will flash his high beams when he'll want to slow...

On a recent trip to New York the Pope saw the most beautiful red car...

As the Pope basked in the beauty of the red car, the owner appeared and insisted that he should take it for a test drive.

"No, no!" exclaimed the Pope, "I couldn't possibly!"

The driver wouldn't take no for an answer and jumped in the back of the beautiful red car. And so off they we...

A friend and I decided to see who would die first after eating a tide pod...

“Now this is pod racing.”

It's worth it

One of my buddies loves this joke and I figured I would share it with the reddit world because I love it too:

So this guy was driving through the desert, it was a hot day and his car was an old junker. About 5 miles outside of town the car finnally kicks the bucket. So, with no other choice, ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

15 Best Two-Line Jokes

1. Parallel lines have so much in common
It's a shame they'll never meet

2. My wife accused me of being immature
I told her to get out of my fort

3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor

4. How many Germans do...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day Johnny walked into the classroom, and the teacher said, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?'

He replied, 'no ma'am.' She said, 'if you don't have it done by tomorrow then I'm going to make a call to your parents.'

As Johnny is walking home from school he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing,and one gets so far ahead of the other one that it just stops and the other one ra...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sniffer dog on a plane

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second ma...

A guy is sitting quietly reading his Sunday newspaper one day when his wife suddenly hits him over the head with a frying pan.

"What was that for?" he shouts.

His wife says, "I was just doing the laundry and I found a piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name "Marylou on it. Who the hell is she?"

The guy says, "Oh, don't worry about that dear. Do you remember when I went to the horse racing with my f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race...

So a Japanese company and a North American company decided to have a canoe race on the St. Lawrence River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.

On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile. The North Americans, very discouraged and depressed, deci...

An Irish man is on the way to the hospital for the birth of his first child

Callahan, an Irish man, is racing through the city to get to the hospital where his wife has just been taken to give birth to their first child.


There's nowhere to park, and he's going mad trying to find a spot.


Finally in a panic, he gives up and says "Lord, please.. I'm not a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was telling my friend about my training to be a paratrooper when the story of my first jump came up.

Me: Sitting there waiting to jump my mind was racing. Must've been 20 minutes before that red light telling us to stand up came on. Then when it went green one by one the guys in front of me started to jump. Slowly I moved my way towards the door and when it was finally my turn I froze. I looked out...

I recently bought a second hand car.

It only had one previous owner, a little old lady, who only used it once a week, on a Sunday - when she took it drag racing.

You don't see that everyday.

A man was driving his ferrari down a country road when a farmer flagged him down and said that his tractor died in a field and needed a little help. The man agreed to help tow the farmer's tractor back to his farm. They agreed that the tractor's left blinker meant speed up and the right blinker mean...

Super fast Nano

A tata nano breaks down on a roadside. A BMW 750Li stops to help the driver.

"I will tow you to the next service station, but if I drive too fast please flash your lights."

They start up slowly but only a km or so down the line a Porsche speeds pas 150km/hour.

The BMW driver tot...

Officer couldn't believe his eyes.

A man was driving along in his beat up old dodge, when suddenly it broke down. He was parked on the side of the road trying fix it, when a Jaguar pulled up in front of him and offered to help. After a few minutes the two men obviously weren't going to get the old car going again, so the Jaguar drive...

There was a snail who took his brand new sports car into the body shop and got a custom paint job.

He asked for racing stripes, flames, lightning bolts…you name it.
But there was one thing about the paint job the body shop owner just couldn’t understand.
The snail wanted a big “S” on the driver’s and passenger’s doors.
When asked about them the snail said:
“When I drive by someone at ...

As compensation for their appalling behaviour, United Airlines are going to sponsor a lot more community sports and activities

Their first project will be Drag Racing

The Viper

A young woman lived alone in an apartment on the top floor of her building. One day, she got a phonecall on her landline from a number she didn't know. She answered it. "Hello?"
"Hello. I am the Viper. And I am coming to your apartment soon." Then the person hung up.
The woman didn't know ...