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Golfer Jokes

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What's the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?

The shitty golfer goes, \-WHAM!\- "FUCK!"

The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" \-WHAM!\-

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A joke for married golfers

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.

Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"

"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pu...

On their wedding night, a die-hard golfer makes a confession to his new bride.

"Dearest, I love you more than I can say." He paused. "But I also love golf. And I want you to know that every possible weekend, every vacation, every dollar of disposable income, I will spend on golf, golf memberships, golf vacations, golf clubs.

I know you knew some of this, but I wanted to...

A genie appears and offers a golfer three wishes.

A genie appears and offers a golfer three wishes.

“The only catch,” says the genie, “is that whatever you wish for, your wife will receive 10 times over.”

“OK,” the guy says. “I want to be the best golfer in the world.”

The genie blinks and suddenly the guy can feel a new golf s...

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The leprechaun and the golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.<...

Two golfers...

Two golfers were having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.

After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man sai...

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!

Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!

Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him.

Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?

George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighte...

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An avid golfer

A guy played golf every Saturday for 45 years. His goal was to break par. He came close a few times but never even got to par let alone under par.

One Saturday he was in the zone. At the 18th joke he’s even par. The 18th is a par 5 all he needs is a birdie. He hits his tee shot right down th...

I'm a scratch golfer

Every now and then I get an itch to play. A few holes in I'm reminded how bad I am. Itch scratched.

For golfers only

A man is playing so badly that he says to his caddy, “I’m done with it all. I’m going to jump in that lake and kill myself.”
Caddy replies, “do you think you’ll be able to keep you head down that long, sir?”

What's a golfers' favorite type of music?

Swing.

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A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course

A golfer hits his ball into a yard next to the golf course.

As he goes to get it a man in the yard says, "Don't you see the sign? It says, 'Private property - Stay Out!'"

The golfer says, "I'm sorry I did not see it. That is my ball there. May I have it, please?"

The man s...

Why do golfers bring extra socks?

In case they get a hole in one.

A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game.

"But why?" asks his wife.
"Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it".
The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect."
He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tak...

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The Golfer

A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.

On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor in the hospital emergency room notifyin...

A joke about golfers.

Two men were playing golf one afternoon when just as they are about to play an important putt on the final hole for the match a large funeral procession passes by on the road at the side of the golf course. One of the men stops in mid putt, removes his cap, bows his head in prayer. The second man re...

What’s the difference between a golfer and an escort?

The golfer doesn’t worry about his glove ripping when he scores.

Golfer slices a shot into traffic,

The ball goes through the drivers window of a school bus, into the drivers ear.. he crashes the bus into a crowded store...
Later, the cops interview him:
"You just killed 7 and injured 18. What do you intend to do about it?"
He replies: "I'm gonna choke up on my club and shorten my swing.....

Two golfers are having a conversation in the clubhouse.

They are discussing the possibility of there being water on Mars. Things are getting heated.

The first golfer says, "There's definitely water on Mars!" He proceeds to rattle off information from NASA and recent observations from the Mars rover.

The second golfer exclaims, "That's BS. T...

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A group of golfers get stuck behind a really slow group

Four golfers (a doctor, a lawyer, a priest, and an engineer) are stuck behind a really slow group of golfers. They start to get frustrated, so they call up the course's pro.

"Hey, how come you're letting guys like this on the course? They're hitting their balls all over the place, spending wa...

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On the first night of their honeymoon, the new bride tells her husband, "I have a confession to make. I'm not a virgin. I've been with one other guy." "Oh yeah? Who was the guy?" "Tiger Woods, the golfer."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can understand that."

The couple then makes passionate love.

When they finish, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

"I'm hungry. I'm calling room service."

"Tiger wouldn't do t...

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Cheating Golfer

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take ...

A golfer went to a fortuneteller

He asked, "can you tell me if there are golf courses in Heaven?"

The fortuneteller entered a trance to ponder his question. After several minutes she responded- "I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is, the golf courses in Heaven are beautiful beyond any earthly imagination." ...

The golfer

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. As the night progresses, he finds himself with a very attractive woman and they hit it off immediately. He asks her out on a date. "But, before you say yes, I must warn you. I am an amateur golfer. Golfing is my life. Every free moment I'm out golfing. I rea...

I'm a terrible golfer.

I played the other day and only hit two good balls, and that was when I stood on a rake.

At a celebrity party, Stevie Wonder meets golf champ Tiger Woods and mentions that he, too, is an excellent golfer.

Tiger is a bit skeptical that the blind musician can play golf well, but he's too polite to say anything.

"When I tee off, " the singer explains, "I have a guy call to me from the green. My sharp sense of hearing lets me aim."

Tiger is impressed, and Stevie suggests that they play a ...

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

In case he got a hole in one

Montana State Golfer Warning

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions, and be on the alert for bears while playing on Gallatin, Helena, and Lewis and Clark National Forest’s golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on th...

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A golfer looses one of his arms and is depressed.

He can no longer play golf and feels he has nothing to live for, so he decides to end it all.
He goes to the top of a building and is ready to jump when he sees a man with no arms bouncing around happily on the sidewalk below him.
Wondering how someone with one less arm than him could possibly...

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The world's two worst golfers are playing golf. The first one hits it all the way to the left. The second one hits it all the way to the right. The first guy goes to pick up his ball and sees that it hit a buttercup. Suddenly, Mother Nature pops up out of the ground in all her glory...

Mother Nature says "You, you horrible golfer! You hit a buttercup! One of nature's most beautiful creations. As punishment, you can never have butter again!"

The golfer is obviously upset by this and he turns away so Mother Nature won't see. Suddenly, he starts laughing.

"What's so fu...

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The ambidextreous Golfer

A group of guys lived and died for their Saturday morning round of golf. One transferred to another city. It wasn't the same without him.

A new woman joined their Club. She overheard the guys talking about their golf round. She said, "You know, I used to play on my golf team in college and I...

Two lady golfers

1st Lady Golfer: You know, last time I was here a bee stung me between the first and second holes.

2nd Lady Golfer: That's because your stance is too wide.

elon musk, tiger woods, the pope and a college student are on an airplane …

the plane is going down, the pilots bailed, it’s going to crash.
there’s 4 of them and only 3 parachutes …
tiger woods says “i’m the best golfer in the world, i think i should get a parachute.”
everyone agrees, tiger woods takes a parachute and jumps out of the plane.
elon musk says “i...

A man is playing golf, but keeps missing all his shots, and swearing, until a priest comes up to him and tells him not to use the lords name in vain.

"Jesus's christ! Missed again!" The golfer shouts in anger. "You mustn't swear like that, or God will enact his wrath on you." The priest explains. But the man doesn't listen.

His next shot is even further off. "Jesus christ! Missed again." The man yells in anger. The priest explains again, h...

A man became an avid golfer.

So much so that he'd never gotten to know a female well enough to even think about marriage. As the years went by, he realized he'd probably never get married, since he sure wasn't giving up golf.


As it so happens, he finally did meet a wonderful woman, and in short order they grew very...

Charity for golfers

A guy walks into a bar and notices a money jar by the tap. "What's the jar for?" the guy asks. "We're raising funds to help golfers who absolutely hate putting," the bartender replies. "Feel free to chip in."

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What's the difference between golfers and skydivers?

Golfers go *whack* "Shit!"

Skydivers go "Shit!" *whack*

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Old Woman

An old lady is walking down the street carrying 2 large sacks and one is leaking $20 bills.

A cop stops her and asks "Where did an old lady like you get all that money?" and she replied,

Well you see I live behind a golf course and when the golfers need to pee they stick their penis in...

another golfer

So a guy is playing golf with his wife. They\`re on the 12th hole and the guy slices his tee shot right into the woods.

He trudges into the woods, and locates his ball. It\`s in a little clearing, but there is a big barn between him and the green.

He takes a good look, and says, "Lis...

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The Golfer's Dilemma

You're playing in your club championship. The final round is just you and one other guy, match play. One the 18th tee you're up 1 with honors. You smack your drive straight down the middle; the best drive you've hit all day. Your opponent steps up and hooks one into the woods.



You do...

Who said he wanted to?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, *"To what do you attribute your good health?"*

The old timer said, *"I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape.   I'm up well before daylight and out go...

How did the golfer die?

Stroke

What time do golfers wake up to go golfing?

Foooooour

Golfer: "You must be the world's worst caddy!"

Caddy: "No, that would be too much of a coincidence

Two strangers get paired up golfing

They’re both pretty avid golfers, so they’re playing a speedy round.

They play through a couple groups and end up behind a couple ladies further up the fairway.

The one chap decides to walk up and ask if they can play through. About halfway towards them, he stops dead and turns aroun...

Two men golfing...

Two guys are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there are two terrible lady golfers in front of them hitting the ball everywhere but where it’s supposed to go.

The first guy says, “Why don’t you go over and ask if we can play through?” The second guy gets about halfway there, turns ...

A lady golfer was stung by a bee.

So she went back to the clubhouse, and met with the club manager. The manager asked her "Where did you get stung?" The lady replied "Oh, between the first and second holes." The manager then said, "Well, obviously, your stance is too wide."

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Japanese Golfer

Was rereading Harry Potter Book 2 and got to the Japanese Golfer joke line. Googled it. Enjoy, r/Jokes.

An American, a German and a Japanese man are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left pinky finge...

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A golfer goes to confession

Forgive me father for i have sinned...

.."go on" says the priest. "I swore the other day" says the man. "continue" says the priest. "I was on the golf course the other day and i hit my drive, it was looking perfect, heading dead straight. About 200 yards down my ball hit a power line crossing...

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Best Golfer in the World

After a long week of work, Frank grabs his clubs and heads to the golf course for some needed R&R. After a few holes Frank catches up to a man and a gorilla standing on the par 5. Frank finds this odd, but strolls up and sets his ball up to tee off. The man with the gorilla looks at Frank and sa...

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Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway...

Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement anymore. ...

What do you call an intoxicated golfer?

A drunk driver.

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A golfer is absolutely killing it out on the course. (Long)

He’s playing at one of those residential courses surrounded by beautiful homes.

He nails the drive on the 6th hole. He’s so excited and proud of himself that he guns his golf cart full speed ahead to get to the putting green.

He’s going so fast that he misreads a curve and ends up topp...

What dessert do golfers eat?

Parfait

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Lady Golfer NSFW

Jerry asks the clubhouse barman if there is anyone available to join him for a round of golf. The barman says "Only that lady over there, Susan" Jerry is a little reluctant to play with a woman but the barman assures him that she's quite good in fact she plays off the same 9 handicap as him. They pl...

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Dylan was practicing his golf swing in his front yard when he swung a little too hard and sent the ball through his neighbors window. He rang the bell but nobody answered so he opened the door to see an old lamp lying near broken glass and a huge fat Arabian man wearing a turban sitting on the couch

Dylan asked, "Who are you?" The fat man replied, "I am a genie you have freed from that lamp."

Dylan questioned, "Oh man, do I get three wishes?" The genie replied, "Since you freed me by accident you only get two and I get one."

Dylan thought about it and realized what he wanted, "I w...

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Superstitious Golfer

The was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactl...

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A profession golfer driving his Porsche picked up an Irish girl hitchhiker.

He had his golfing gear on the back seat. The Irish girl picked up something and asked, "What are these?"

"Those are tees," he said. "I rest my balls on them when I drive."

"Wow!" said the girl. "What will those car makers think of next!"

A golfer teed off, and his ball sliced off into the woods. He teed off a second time and the ball sliced, but hit a tree, ricocheted, and hit him in the head, killing him.

Suddenly he was standing in front of the Pearly Gates. Not expecting the golfer, Saint Peter looked at him and said, “How did you get here?” The golfer said, “In two.”

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A Very Nice Golfer

There are two men playing golf, at the end of the range you can see a funeral procession going by. As the hearse drives by followed by a few cars one man kneels down, takes off his hat and puts it over his heart, and says a prayer.

The man next to him says, "Well that's the nicest thing I've...

The Old Golfer"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a
good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a
gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my l...

The Old Golfer

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany ...

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the golfer

So a guy gets married and one of the first things he does after the honeymoon is to play 18 holes of golf with his buds, and they also have a few drinks afterwards.

When he gets home his wife confronts him: "I can't believe you'd go out all day after we're married, and to play golf! And you r...

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Golfers

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped, his hands together
at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
...

What is a golfer's favorite type of cheese?

Par-mesean

Golfers wife has a heart attack

A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the gree...

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Why are Golfers so good at sex?

They’re great at foreplay.

Considerate golfer

The golfer sliced a ball into a field of chickens, striking one of the hens and killing it instantly. He was understandably upset, and sought out the farmer.


“I’m sorry,” he said, “my terrible tee-shot hit one of your hens and killed it. Can I replace the hen?”


“I don’t...

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A golfer and a priest

A golfer and a priest go out for a round of golf. On the first hole the golfer hits it into the sand and says, "Crap I missed!!"
The Priest says, "dont say that or God will punish you."
The golfer thinks nothing of it and moves on. They come to the next hole and the golfer sinks his shot into...

Tom Brady must be a golfer

Because golfers are known for their inability to count to four

A man and his wife go golfing

A man and his wife go golfing, and on the 8th hole he shanks the ball into a nearby barn. "Darn it," he says, "I'll have to take a penalty on that ball."

"No you don't," his wife says. "If I stand here and hold the barn door open, you should be able to get to the green in two."

So she ...

Stevie Wonder rings Tiger Woods and says

"how do you fancy a round of golf"

Tiger says "I didn't think you would be able to play Stevie"

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can tune an earpiece into, which tells him the direction and distance to it.
...

A Golfers dream

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. "Don't you have at least one other golf ball?", he asked. The other guy replied that no, he only needed the one. "Are you sure?", the friend persisted. "What happens if you l...

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

Why are female golfers better than male golfers?

Because they swing both ways

Why did the golfer fart so hard?

He was having a stroke after he lost his balls.

Wise Golfer

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of d...

Thr golfer

Sorry if previously posted but one of my favorites still and I didn't see if after a brief search.


An old guy is about to marry a young hot girl and tells her he wants no secrets between them.
He says, "I am a golfer. I eat, sleep, dream and live for golf.

She admires his hones...

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf

at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house. As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00 HAMBURGER: $10.00 CHEESEBURGER: $15.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50 hand-jobs: $250.00

Checking hi...

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a £20 fell out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, “Ma’am, there are £20 notes falling out of that bag.”

“Oh, really? Darn it!” said the little old lady. “I’d better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.
“Well, now, not so fast,” said the cop.“Where did you get all that money? You didn’t steal it, did you?”
“Oh, no, no”, said the old lady. “You see, my back garden is ...

Why do golfers love doughnuts?

Always a hole-in-one!

THE GOLFER'S CONFESSION

A man goes to the confessional. "Forgive me father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The priest asks back.
"Well," the man starts, "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible."
"When did you do use this awful language?" said the priest.
"I was g...

A golfer is getting ready to tee-off on the first hole...

...when a second golfer approaches and asks if he can join him. The first says that he usually plays alone but agrees to let the second guy join him.


Both are even after the first couple of holes. The second guy says, "Say, we're about evenly matched, how about we play for five bucks a ...

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A golfer goes out for a beer...

After a round of golf, a golfer loads his trunk up with his clubs but puts his extra tees and balls in his pockets. He goes into the clubhouse for a beer.

He sits down next to a blond woman at the bar. She sees the bulging pants of the golfer and barely stops herself from gasping. She cannot ...

A woman golfer walks up to a grounds keeper..

A woman golfer walks up to a grounds keeper and says, "I just got stung by a bee!" "Where at??" Asks the grounds keeper. "Between the first and second hole." Replied the woman. The grounds keeper looks her up and down and says, "Well, It sounds like your stance is too wide."


Credit: I ...

A golfer goes to a priest

I haven’t been able to sleep father
I’m so scared of dying...

Don’t worry my son
Heaven is fabulous

Nothing but golf courses as far as the eye can see

You’ll love it!

In fact you tee off at 8 am

Golfer in confessional...

This man goes to confession and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."
The priest asks if he would like to confess his sins and the man replies that he used the "F-word" over the weekend.
The priest says, "Oh okay, just say three Hail Marys and try to watch your language."
The man re...

How do most elderly golfers die?

They have a bad stroke

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Golf Player and Saudi Prince

A golfer is walking down the road carrying his clubs when he sees an Arab being held up at gunpoint. He pulls out a wedge and smashes it over the back of the robber's head, knocking him unconscious.

"You probably saved my life," says the grateful Arab. "I am a member of the Saudi Royal Family...

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A rabbi was an avid golfer

The rabbi was an avid golfer and played at every opportunity. He was so addicted to the game that he would get withdrawal symptoms if he didn't play. One Yom Kippur the rabbi thought to himself, "What's it going to hurt if I go out during the recess and play a few rounds. Nobody will be the wiser, a...

Golfer hits his wife

A cop was investigating a domestic violence call where a woman said that her husband beat her with a golf club. The cop held up a bloody club and asked the husband, "How many times did you hit her?"

The husband replied, "Seven or eight, but put me down for a four."

What do golfers put in their packed lunches...?

...Sand wedges

Golfers

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.

His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever...

A golfer love story.

An elderly couple were having dinner one evening when the husband
reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said,
"Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I
have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful
to me?”

Martha...

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A golfer was on vacation in Ireland

and while playing he made a hole in one. With that, a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."

The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make my weenie a bit larger?"

Well, by the time he got to the 14th te...

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The one-armed golfer

A man lost an arm when his golf cart rolled over on him on a downward slope. He became very depressed because he loved to play golf so one day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide and end it all.



He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was st...

What do golfers always do if they have a country club membership?

Clubbing

Mike, an avid golfer,..

...was teeing up for a very difficult shot.

At that moment, a funeral procession went by. Mike stopped, stood still with his hat over his heart, and bowed his head. His
golfing partner looked at him and said,

“Mike, that was kind and decent of you to show such respect for the dea...

A professional golfer was...

angry when a man claimed his gorilla played better golf than the pro did. Betting $10,000 to prove it, the pro teed up on a par five and hit a beautiful shot down the centre of the green.

The man pulled his gorilla out of a cage and handed him a club. Pointing to the where the hole was, he ...

Golf

The Pope met with his cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. Your Holiness, said one of the Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths. The Pope thou...

A golfer shanks his ball clear off the course...

...and out onto the road, where it hits a passing cop car. The cop runs onto the course and writes the man a ticket for reckless driving.

Top golfers are the worst lovers...

...two-three strokes and they're done!

A Priest and a Golfer are playing Golf.

On the first hole, the priest gets a hole-in-one. The golfer, wanting to show up the priest, tries to get a hole in one too. He hits the ball. It goes and goes. But it stops right in front of the hole. "Damn it! I missed!" yells the golfer. "Sir, That sort of language is not tolerated! If you say th...

A golfer and heaven

A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the fo...

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