A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone, "Get me a coffee, quickly!"The voice from the other side responded, "You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?""No," replied the trainee."It's the CEO of the company, you fool!"T...

A suicide bomber instructor says to his trainees

“Alright men, I’m only going to show you this once”

"Hey man look at that new trainee, She is hot, I think she is 36C"

Out of nowhere HR Manager comes behind me and says "What did you just say?"

I replies "Do you want to hear it in Fahrenheit ?"

Investigator to trainee helicopter pilot: "So you survived the crash. How did it happen?" Pilot: "Flying too high. I was shivering. Too cold." "Then what?"

"Then (pointing to the rotor) I switched off the fan."

The county's road maintenance staff got a new trainee.

The trainee is tasked to paint the lines of a reconstructed highway before it is to be re-opened for public traffic.

- On Day 1 the trainee painted 5 miles.
- On Day 2 the trainee painted 2.6 miles.
- On Day 3 the trainee painted 0.9 miles.
- On Day 4 the trainee gets then question...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller...

Once upon a time, there was a trainee fortune teller called Sarah who hoped to learn the proper skills of divination by training alongside a renowned fortune teller, Madame Lointain (for, in these times, it was customary for each village to have a fortune teller).


After having studied for...

What did the knight say to the trainee who broke the blade off his sword?

You need to get a handle on that.

When four of Santa's elves got sick and the trainee elves didn't produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule…

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit.

This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.

More stress.

Then, when he...

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An undertaker is showing a trainee around the morgue in order to get him used to dead bodies.

“Here I have three deceased men, an Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman.” Explained the undertaker showing the young trainee the dead Englishman.
“Why has he got such a big smile on his face?” asked the trainee.
“He died having sex with a beautiful woman” the old man replied.
Moving on to ...

Fergus goes to the dentist and asks about the cost of a tooth extraction.

$85 for an extraction sir," was the dentists reply.

"Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper," replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

"But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir," replied the dentist.

"What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?" asked Fergus hopefully. <...

I was a new Army basic trainee at Fort McClellan, and one requirement was a demanding 12-mile march. We got started at 6 a.m. and were pumped up for the trek.

An hour later, feeling the heavy load of our packs, we wondered if the end would ever come.

"Men," our sergeant yelled, "you're doing a fine job. We've already covered four miles!"

Revitalized, we picked up the pace.

"And," continued Sarge, "we should reach the starting point an...

Why did the KGB trainee fail?

Poor Marx.

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A trainee lion tamer is about to perform

He is talking to his mentor who is telling him last minute words of advice

Trainee: What do I do if the lion attacks me?

Mentor: Use the whip

Trainee: Will there be a whip?

Mentor: Yes there will be a whip

Trainee: What if that doesn’t work what do I do then?
...

What do you call a group of singing knight trainees?

A schoir

A police captain is quizzing three new trainees.

He shows a photograph of a man to the first trainee. "This is your suspect," he says. "How do you identify him?"

The trainee replies "Simple. He's only got one eye!"

"You idiot!" the captain scolds. "That's because you're looking at a picture from the side of his face! He moves onto th...

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A trainee priest is learning how to take confession

A trainee priest is learning how to take confession. The senior priest tells him "I'll be outside here if you need guidance on what punishments to give"

A little old lady comes in and says "Forgive me father, i took the lords name in vain" The junior priest sticks his head out of the confessi...

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The surgeon and his class of trainees

A surgeon is taking a class of trainees to see a cadaver for the first time, He tells them that it's really important that they familiarize themselves with the corpse, so he says "Do exactly as I do."

He then sticks his finger into the dead guys anus , pulls it out and sucks on it.

The...

The three blonde detective trainees

A police officer was tasked to train three blonde women to become detectives.

He showed them a picture of a man for five seconds before asking the first blonde how she would recognize him in the streets. "Oh, that's easy! He only has one eye!"

The police officer exclaimed: "Are you stu...

The Engineer's Trainee

So one day at a coin mint, an engineer who works there is taking a trainee for a tour and shows him how everything works. They approach the dollar-making machine. After explaining it, the Engineer says:
"Well, what do you think? Complicated?"

And the Trainee says:
"No, I completely unde...

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My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

Why did the drill instructor squirt condiments on his trainees in the morning?

That's how he mustard the troops.

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A priest, a rabbi, and a nun are having breakfast together.

A priest, a rabbi, and a nun are having breakfast together.

They start talking to each other about their jobs and someone raises the question of how they prepare their new trainees for the worst part of the job.

The rabbi says, “celibacy is the worst part of the job, so all new r...

A man is walking in a storm, alone and lost. He then comes upon a Monastery.

Having no place to go, the poor man approaches the wooden desolate door of the old Monastery and knocks upon the door. The door opens to a rather withered old Monk, who greets the man. “I am the Head Monk of this monastery. Can I help you?” The man asks for refuge overnight and is taken up into the ...

Gas

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as th...

What do you call someone who's doing an internship at a railroad company?

A trainee

What do you call a locomotive on the first day of the job?

A trainee.

A Journalist Visits a Boxing Gym...

A reporter for a well known New York newspaper was visiting a boxing gym, to investigate the importance of boxing to New York's culture. This gym had a reputation for producing some of the toughest boxers in today's game, but no one knew how. To get the most authentic story possible, he signed himse...

Gubble-u Gubble-u Gubble-u Got com ...

... a great website for trainee ventriloquists.

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A guy takes his Rolls Royce for a service...

A guy takes his Rolls Royce into the dealership for a service.
They drive it into the service bay and the chief mechanic decides to let the new trainee clean up the interior to give him something to do.
He's vacuuming the carpets in the front footwell when he finds a golf tee.
He has no id...

What's the worst thing to say when your girlfriend's had a haircut?

"Was it a trainee?"

I wanted to hit on the girl serving in Starbucks, so I looked at her name badge and said: "That's a beautiful name...

...Trainee"

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Now, it's your turn.

A man interested in becoming a therapist applies to work as a trainee and begins apprenticeship. He learns for a few weeks and observes technique.

"Now we're going to try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy," says the therapist. "The method essentially focuses on identifying problems and what the pa...

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Surgeon's joke.

There used to be a rule that in order to get into anesthesia, applicants had to have an IQ greater than their body temp. For a while they couldn't get any new anesthesia trainees because nobody would pass.

Then they decided to switch from farenheit to celsius, and now there's a lot of them.

A Drill Instructor was training a group of new Lieutenants

He gives them the problem of how to raise a flag pole and asks each, in turn, how he would organize the work.

The first Lieutenant says he would have the men dig a hole, slide the poll in and tamp down the earth around it.

The next Lieutenant says much the same except he throws in a fe...

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