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Tracks Jokes

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A man found a woman tied to the rail tracks and untied her.

Then they had a lot of sex and he was on his way to the bar.
He started boasting about all the different positions they had sex in.

The bartender asks did you get any head.

To which the man replies
“I couldn’t find the head.”

Russia started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.

A brunette woman was walking along a set of railroad tracks, repeating to herself, "42, 42, 42. 42, 42, 42."

A blonde woman saw the brunette and asked, "What are you doing?"

"I'm just walking along a railroad track and saying 42, 42, 42," replied the brunette.

"Can I join you?"

"Sure."

So the two women walked along the track repeating, "42, 42, 42. 42, 42, 42."

Another bl...

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A guy was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks.

He untied her and they had sex. Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head, guy replies "I couldn't find it."

A man drives a train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder

So, he’s on death row and the executioner approaches him.

“What would you like for your last meal?”

“I would like a banana please.”

The executioner thinks it’s weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits a while, and gets strapped into the electric c...

Three blondes are walking through the forest when they come across a set of tracks.

The first blonde says, "Hey, look at that, deer tracks!"

The second blonde chimes in and responds, "No, Becky, those are moose tracks!"

The third blonde steps in and says, "You two are both wrong, those are obviously elk tracks!"

The three blondes kept arguing about what animal ...

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*Offensive* A man walking along the train tracks stumbles upon a genie's lamp

The man rubs the lamp & the genie grants him 3 wishes, but a young boy nearby witnesses it all unfold. As the man is about to make his wishes, a train passes by and the curious boy is unable to hear his wishes... when the train is done passing, the genie is gone, but the man is still there, coun...

Two men were wandering through a forest and found some tracks

One of them thought they were deer tracks, the other thought they were elk tracks. They were still arguing about it when the train ran them over.

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

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3 blondes are walking in the woods.

3 blonde girls are walking in the woods when they stumble across a set of tracks, the first girl having went to a zoo last week claims that the tracks are deer tracks, the second blonde laughs,

"Caitlyn you dumb bitch those are bear tracks!"

The third blonde chimes in,

"Oh my go...

3 blondes were standing around some tracks.

The first blonde said "look at these tracks! Do you think they're deer tracks?"

The second blonde shook her head "no, there are no hoof prints. If anything these are dog tracks".

The third blonde chuckled, "come on you two. Look at the even spacing, the consistent depth, the distance b...

A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel

An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel

A REALIST sees a freight train

The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the tracks

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How do you kill a blue Elephant?

With a blue elephant gun obviously.

*How do you kill a red elephant?*

You choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How do you kill a green elephant?*

You tickle it til it turns red then choke it til it turns blue then use a blue elephant gun.

*How ...

While he lay there on the railroad tracks waiting for the medics - the train had just crossed where his ankles used to be - ...

he felt utterly defeeted.

Sven and Ole were hiking when the came across some tracks.

Sven said, "Look, coyote tracks."
Ole replied, "Those aren't coyote tracks they're deer tracks."
They stood on the tracks arguing for over 30 minutes then were hit by the train.

Three swedes found mysterious tracks from the forest

"It is a bunny." Said the first

"It is a rabbit." Said the second

the third one bowed to look and a train ran over him.

Follow the tracks

3 guys went on a hunting trip.

The first guy went out hunting and came back later with a deer. "How did you get that?" the other two asked. The first guy answers "I followed the tracks, followed the tracks, followed the tracks, and boom... I got a deer."

The second guy went out hunting...

I was so embarrassed that my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set that I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

A man is jumping over some railroad tracks.

He's jumping from side to side over top of them, muttering under his breath each time he lands, "Twenty-one."

"Twenty-one, twenty-one, twenty-one."

Another man walks up next to him. "Hey, what are you doing?"

"I'm jumping over the railroad tracks. Want to join me?"

"Sure!...

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

Ten Surprising facts doctors don't want you to know about subway tracks!

the 3rd one will shock you!

Better be making some tracks

One day a Russian, a French man, and a German went out hunting. They were travelling deep in the woods when they came upon some tracks. The Russian said to the French man, "Look, some bear tracks!" "No no no," said the French man, "those are deer tracks." "What are you stupid or something?" replie...

A blonde is walking beside a railway track.

A brunette passes her on the tracks skipping and singing "21, 21, 21..."
The blonde eagerly asks "May I join you?"
The brunette nods, and says, "You may, but only if you can REALLY concentrate."
"I can do that!" exclaims the blonde happily. And so, they both proceed to skip along the middle...

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The Girl on the Railway Tracks

A man walks into a bar with a rather smug grin plastered on his face. He sits down with his buddies and orders two rounds of drinks for them and the bartender, all at his expense. One of his mates asks “Why are you in such a good mood?”
“Well,” he replies, “I was on my way up here when I saw a g...

I saw my ex girlfriend tying herself to the train tracks. I couldn't believe what I was witnessing.

I looked at her, my eyes widened, and I said, "Don't do it!"

"Why the hell not?!" she yelled.

I said, "They aren't running today."

So Two Blondes are stand on a pair of Tracks

So two blondes are standing on a pair of tracks arguing, “They’re deer tracks”, “No They’re Bear Tracks “

Half a Hour a later they get hit by a train

3 hunters were walking in a forest when they came across some tracks.

One hunter claims they were bear tracks.

The second frowns, and says "No, those are certainly badger tracks."

The third just laughs and says, "Honestly! You two crack me up! Those are *obviously* baby elephant tracks!"



And then the train hit them.

A blonde girl is walking and sees a brunette down by the train tracks

The brunette is jumping on and off the tracks. As she jumps she says, “21 21 21 21”.

The blonde girl asks her what she’s doing.

The brunette says, “oh it’s fun join me.” The blonde says, “OK” and starts jumping.

As they jump they say, “21 21 21 21.” The blonde notices that a...

Why did the locomotive go off his tracks?

Because he wasn't trained properly.

My mum used to feed my brother and I by saying ‘here comes the train’, and we always used to eat it straight away

Otherwise she wouldn’t untie us from the tracks

A man wakes up hungover, with no memory of coming home.

He realizes he's fully clothed in bed. He sees one of the lamps on a bedside table is broken, and he smells like he was sick on himself. He sits up and sees muddy tracks leading to his bed.

The man groans and holds his head, knowing he's going to be in big trouble with his wife. She then e...

Two blondes find a set of tracks in the snow.

"They're rabbit tracks!" Said Trixie.

"No, silly, they're Bear tracks!" Said Susie.

This went on for a while, until the train hit them.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend once dared me to take a shit on electrified train tracks.

That was the last time I put my ass on the line for him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW My friend found a girl tied to the train tracks.

He told me he untied her and they went back to his place, I asked what they got up to and he said they had sex all night. Impressed by this I asked him if he got any head to which he said Nah I couldn’t find it

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A white man comes across a Native American lying with his ear pressed against the ground between a pair of tire tracks.

“What’s going on?” the white man asks.

“White Chevy Tahoe. Four door. License plate XPV 14785. Has a Coexist bumper sticker,” replies the Native American.

“Wow, you can tell all that from just listening to the ground?”

“No, you idiot! That’s what the asshole who hit me was drivi...

I kept having these crazy dreams where I woke up covered in Tyre tracks...

My Psychiatrist is convinced I'm a 'cycle-path'

A train's co-conductor spotted a landmine on the train tracks up ahead.

"MINE!" the co-conductor shouted.
"What's that?" the head conductor asked cynically. "I thought I've already made it clear that this train is mine. Is that cle-"

Suddenly, the train ran over the landmine, creating a massive explosion, leaving an unfortunate amount of survivors. The head ...

NASCAR got rid of the confederate flag from race tracks

Another true end to race wars.

A couple is hiking when they see a set of tracks...

"Look" says one, "a father and his kids are on this trail." The other asks "how do you know it is the father? It could be mom."

"Nope. Definitely the dad...see the Pa prints?"

I invented a device that can stop a snake in its tracks.

It's made of asphalt.

Why can't trains get off their tracks and go their own way?

Humans didn't train them to do that.

Girl on the tracks

Greaser Bob swaggered up to his favourite bar, and called for a beer.

As the bartender reached for a fresh glass, he observed: “You look pleased with yourself, Greaser Bob. Did you win the lottery?”

Greaser Bob said: “On my way home from here last night, I had to cross the railway, ...

Two Blondes are out on a hike....

....when one looks down and sees some tracks. "Hey look, deer tracks!" she exclaims. The other blond looks over and says, "Those aren't deer tracks! Those are rabbit tracks!" After about 10 minutes of bickering about what type of tracks they are, they get hit by a train.

"Did you ever lie down on the tracks?"

Not personally. I once knew somebody who did.

"What happened?"

I lost track of him.

Bob Dylan

Two drunks are walking down the railroad tracks...

Two drunks are walking down the railroad tracks.

One turns to the other and says, "This is the longest set of stairs I've ever been on."

Drunk two replies, "It's not the length, it's these low handrails that are killing me."

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

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A guy is having sex with his girlfriend and stops dead in his tracks.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"I saw this in a porn once. It's called buffering."

Why did the Mexican man tie his wife to the train tracks?

Because he wanted tequila!

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would ...

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Two hobos walking the tracks....

Two hobos are walking the tracks when they come upon a dead squirrel. The first hobo cooks the squirrel, offering some to the second hobo, who declines.

As they keep walking they find a dead rabbit. Again the first hobo cooks a nice meal, offers some to the second hobo, who declined.

...

Train Tracks

A blonde, a brunette, and a red head were walking through a forest when they come upon a set of tracks.
"They must be a set of polar bear tracks," says the blonde.
"No, no, they are a set of deer tracks," says the brunette.
The red head then exclaimed, "Are you kidding me? Polar bear! This ...

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If Hitler was a rapper, he would make the best diss tracks.

He was good at roasting people.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My smart watch tracks my wrist movement while I'm watching porn...

The feature is called a step-sibling counter.

A man goes to an old woodsman to learn the secrets of tracking animals

A man goes to an old woodsman to learn the secrets of tracking animals. The woodsman agrees to teach him and takes him out into the forest.

A short ways in, the woodsman stops and crouches down to the ground. After a moment, he says, "A wolf came through here. An older male. Hunting alone." "...

A woman stopped me in my tracks.

She said, "You wouldn't know where the nearest hospital is?"

"That is correct." I replied.

Why did the young railroad engineer fall on the tracks?

He was undertrained

I found an LP of wasp noises. Played three tracks that sounded nothing like a wasp.

Silly me. I was playing the bee side.

What does the kid play with between the train tracks?

With his life.

Two blondes are in the woods looking at a set of tracks.

"They're wolf tracks," says the first.

"No way! Those are fox tracks!" Exclaims the second.


The two fight back and forth so loud they didn't hear the train coming.

Two hobos are walking down the railroad tracks.

One says “You know, just last month I found a woman here, tied to the tracks and left for dead.”
The other hobo asks “so what did you do?’
The first hobo replies “I did what anybody else would do; I picked her up off the tracks, took her over to those bushes over there and had my way with her...

Did you hear about the Mexican train conductor who jumped his train off the tracks?

The police said he had a loco motive.

A brunette is jumping on railroad tracks...

Saying “65, 65, 65”

A blonde goes up to her and asks her what she’s doing. She replies “Jumping on these tracks and counting, want to join me?”

She agrees, and follows the brunette in jumping and saying 65.

A train comes by, and the brunette jumps out of the way at the last sec...

A train driver accidentally kills a man when he drives off the tracks

Since he killed a person, the court sentences him to death by electrocution chair. For his last meal, he requests a single banana. The prison guard thought it was odd, but gave him the banana, and the man ate it. The next day, the man is strapped onto the electrocution chair and the executioner swit...

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Railroad tracks, a horses ass... and rockets! [Long]

The US standard railroad gauge (the distance between two rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches... an exceedingly odd number.


Why was that gauge used?

Because a number of the early railroad lines in the US were built to fit standard-gauge locomotives manufactured by English railroad pioneer G...

What's it called when somebody carelessly walks on train tracks?

A loco motive

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy was walking to a bar, when he saw a girl tied to some railroad tracks

He went and untied her, following which one thing led to another and they had a lot of sex.

When he finally got to the bar, his friends asked why he was so late. He then told them about the girl he found and how they made sweet love in multiple positions on the side of the tracks. Naturally, ...

A dog comes upon a set of train tracks

As the pup crosses the tracks a train comes by and runs over the dogs tail, causing the tip of his tail to fall off.

Saddened by his loss, the dog turn around to sniff his lost appendage.

As he is sniffing his tail another train comes by and cuts his head off.

The end.
...

She threw her vibrator on the subway tracks...

It didn't work; the train didn't come any faster.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead go hunting

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all went out camping and hunting together. After setting up camp the brunette left to go hunt. 24 hours later the brunette came back with a deer. The others were in awe of the brunette and asked, "How did you do it?"

The brunette replied, "Found tracks, foll...

Two men in the woods come across some bear tracks...

The first man takes off his boots and starts puttin on runnin sneakers.

The second man asks "do you really think you gonna outrun a bear?"

First man replies "I just gotta outrun you"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two homeless guys are walking on along some train tracks..

One of the homeless men turn to the other and says " I must be the luckiest guy alive ! "

Oh yeah why's that the other replied.

"Last week I found a big bag of weed and beer on these very same tracks!"

Wow, that is pretty lucky . But I think I'm luckier , I found a woman tied up...

Three hobos are walking down the train tracks...

And after days of walking and no food in their bellies they find a dead squirrel. Two of the hobos start eating but the third refuses. The first two ask him why and he replies “I’m waiting for a hot meal.”

After eating the squirrel they continue on their way. Along the tracks they fi...

Two drunks were walking home along the railway tracks.

The first drunk says, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."
The second drunk says, "I'll tell you what's worse, this hand rail is bloody low down"

Frank goes hunting in the woods by himself.

He comes across a small black bear drinking from a stream so he shoots and kills it. He then feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and sees a large black bear.

"Hey", says the bear. "You just killed my cousin. What's your name?"

"Um....Frank", the hunter says nervously.

...

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