What is the only ageist railroad?

The incontinental railroad.

I would love to work as a railroad engineer

But unfortunately I don't have the proper training.

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A guy was walking to a bar, when he saw a girl tied to some railroad tracks

He went and untied her, following which one thing led to another and they had a lot of sex.

When he finally got to the bar, his friends asked why he was so late. He then told them about the girl he found and how they made sweet love in multiple positions on the side of the tracks. Naturally, ...

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Two Hippies Two Hippies are walking down a railroad track stoned.

One Hippie says "This is a really long fucking staircase!"

The other Hippie says "I don't mind the stairs, it's this low fucking handrail thats killing me."

Two Native men, one old and one young were walking down a railroad track

The old man places his head on the track, and comes back up a moment later. "Train come," he says. Sure enough, a few moments later a train comes by.

"Now you try," he says. So the young man places his head on the track, looks puzzled, and comes back up.

"Buffalo come". The old man, of...

One person asks his friend: what’s the fastest way to get from one side of a railroad to the other?

One person asks his friend: what’s the fastest way to get from one side of a railroad to the other?

His friend replies: i don’t know, but whatever it is you’ll either beat the train or be dead wrong

What do you call someone who's doing an internship at a railroad company?

A trainee

They say Harriet Tubman escorted 300 slaves to freedom via the Underground Railroad...

If you do the math, that's only 180 people.

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

Two drunks are walking down the railroad tracks...

Two drunks are walking down the railroad tracks.

One turns to the other and says, "This is the longest set of stairs I've ever been on."

Drunk two replies, "It's not the length, it's these low handrails that are killing me."

A dog is sitting beside a railroad track.

He's wagging his tail as a train starts rushing past and the train cuts off the tip of his tail. Mad and in pain, he turns to snap at the train and the train cuts his head off.

The moral of the story: Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

A man is driving around the city when he comes to a junction where a railroad and the street intersect.

Seeing a woman texting on the other side, he decides to get out of his car and stand on the tracks.

There's a rumble and a train is heard in the distance.

"Shouldn't you get off there?" the woman asks, bemused at his stupidity.

The man decides to impress her by ducking out at th...

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I found girl lying on railroad tracks. I untied her, took her into bushes and we had great sex. No head, though.

I never found it.

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My favorite joke clean joke for my cakeday.

A long time ago in a man from a small town became a train conductor. Unfortunately the man had a severe drinking problem that impacted his work and one day he managed to kill someone while drinking at work. After an investigation he was found guilty and sentenced to death by the electric chair.
...

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Big Jake

It's a quiet day in the salloon when a cowboy runs in. With a panicked look on his face, he says, "Everybody run, I just got word that Big Jake is comin' to town!".

The bartender, who's new in town, is shocked to see everybody get up and run out. He grabs a patron by the bar and asks, "What' ...

A man is given a job at the railroad

However he has no experience with trains. On his very first day he kills 200 senior citizens going around the curve at 600 miles per hour. This is all happening in Texas, and so he is sentenced to death. For his last meal he has 13 Bananas, which he eats peels and all. When they turn on the electric...

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Ode To The Railroad

(NSFW)
There once was a woman from France,
Who got on a freight train by chance,
The engineer fucked her,
So did the conductor,
And the brakeman came in his pants.

A person goes for a job interview

The interviewer says: "your resume lists just a single employer?"

The person says: "yes, I was a switchman for the railroad. I got fired when I forgot to switch the tracks and two passenger trains collided."

The interviewer says: "OMG, you had *one* job!"

The person says: "yes, ...

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, "Wow! That looks deep."

The second guy says, "It sure does. Let's throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We'll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing."

So they pick up a few pebbles...

Why did the young railroad engineer fall on the tracks?

He was undertrained

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A train driver drove the train off the railroad

This caused serious damage to the train and injuring everyone on board.

He was called in to see his supervisors.

Supervisor : what the fuck made you do it?!

Train driver : I had to.. there was a cow on the railroad..

Supervisor : were you even thinking?! you should have r...

A dog lays by the railroad tracks..

And falls asleep with his tail hanging over them a little. A train comes by eventually and cuts off the tip of his tail. The dog whips around to see what happened and the train cuts off his head, too.

Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a little piece of tail.

This is my gr...

My great grandmother worked on the Underground Railroad...

She lived in NYC, we just called it the subway.

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A Joke My Grandfather Told Me

So, my Grandfather and I were driving along on our way into town, and we crossed a set of railroad tracks.

As we were crossing, my Grandfather said, "You know, there was a bad crash on these tracks back in the day, between a Mustang and an old Firebird."

I thought about it for a seco...

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The husband really hates the cat so he decides to get rid of her

He grabs the cat, drives 5 blocks down the road and throws the cat out of the window of his car. Then he turns the car and drives home. 20 mins later the cat is back!

"Well, that wasn't far enough" thinks the man, grabs again the cat and drives 5 miles down the highway and then throws the cat...

A brunette is jumping on railroad tracks...

Saying “65, 65, 65”

A blonde goes up to her and asks her what she’s doing. She replies “Jumping on these tracks and counting, want to join me?”

She agrees, and follows the brunette in jumping and saying 65.

A train comes by, and the brunette jumps out of the way at the last sec...

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Railroad tracks, a horses ass... and rockets! [Long]

The US standard railroad gauge (the distance between two rails) is 4 feet 8.5 inches... an exceedingly odd number.


Why was that gauge used?

Because a number of the early railroad lines in the US were built to fit standard-gauge locomotives manufactured by English railroad pioneer G...

What do Jimmy Carter and the Long Island Railroad have in common?

They both pull out of Roslyn every morning at 8:15.

Two drunks are crawling on the railroad.

One says "I'm tired of climbing this ladder, when's our floor already?"

"No worries, I see an elevator coming."

Why did the railroad thief get caught?

He forgot to cover his tracks!






im^dead^inside

I just heard that my ex got a job with the railroad.

At least now she'll be paid when she pulls a train.

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Two men camping...

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and ...

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Three boys are walking down the railroad tracks and find a $10 bill.....

.... and they're trying to decide what to do with the money.

The first boy says "let's buy some candy" and the other boys say "that's what we always do... Let's use it for something different." The second boy says "let's buy some comic books" and the other boys say "that's what we always do...

A bartender is working one evening, when a panicked man comes charging into his bar.

"BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!" he cries. "EVERYBODY RUN! BIG JAKE'S COMIN'!"

The bartender, having never heard that name before, is a little perplexed - even more so when all of his patrons start screaming and running out the door. In just a few moments, the bar is emptied out.

A minute afterwar...

Two intoxicated hobos were walking on a railroad track.

After a while of struggling, one of them slurred, "This must be the longest staircase in the world." The other replied in a drunken lisp, "That's not so bad. But, what's killing me are these low handrails.

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A Soviet Spy has been captured in Nazi Germany, and is being interrogated by an SS officer.

A Russian-Speaking Ukrainian Kapo was brought in by the SS officer to be an interpretor.

The officer asks the spy,

"Tell us what information you have stolen, who you deliver it to, and where you deliver it!"

The Kapo translates this message, and the Soviet Spy responds,

"...

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I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

Why don't many buddhists work in the railroad industry?

they have too many ohms to be good conductors.

An old man has spent 30 years working for the railroad, punching tickets and being mean to everyone who crossed his path.

Finally it's discovered that he's responsible for a string of dozens of murders up and down the railroad line, at almost every stop, going back almost the whole 30 years of his career. He confesses to all of them and is quickly convicted and sentenced to death by electrocution.

The day finall...

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Guy calls his buddy and says "man, what a wild night last night! On my way home from the bar I found a woman tied to the railroad tracks!"

"Holy moley," says his buddy. "What did you do?"

"Well first I untied her, then we had sex!"

"REALLY?"

"Yeah man. I fucked her pussy, her ass, her tits, everything!"

"Even head?"

"Nah, couldn't find it."

Two hobos are walking down the railroad tracks.

One says “You know, just last month I found a woman here, tied to the tracks and left for dead.”
The other hobo asks “so what did you do?’
The first hobo replies “I did what anybody else would do; I picked her up off the tracks, took her over to those bushes over there and had my way with her...

The pessimist sees a tunnel. The optimist a light a the end of the tunnel. The realist sees a train...

The train engineer sees three idiots on the railroad tracks.

Ugly baby

A woman gets on a train with her baby. After the train leaves the station a drunk comes staggering down the aisle, takes one look at the baby and stops dead n his tracks, “Lady,”he says “that has got to be the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen in my life. I mean, that is one UGLY baby” and he staggers...

What do you get when you cross a railroad with a refrigerator?

Killed.

So a brunette is walking back and forth across railroad tracks...

...and ever time she crosses she says, "42! 42! 42!"

A blonde happens upon her and is perplexed by what she is seeing. After watching her a while, the blonde determines that it looks like fun, and joins the brunette on the tracks saying, "42! 42! 42!"

Soon the Five O'clock Express come...

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A Japanese man decides to do some travelling in Africa

A few days into his journey, he came across a tribe not far from a large and dense rain-forest. The tribe leader was ecstatic that someone of Asian descent was at his tribe. They quickly exchanged names and the tribe leader offered to give a quick tour of the rain-forest nearby.

Sato was amaz...

What did the monkey say when he put his tail on the railroad tracks?

It's won't be long now!

Classic #3829 - A guy is waiting at the hospital for his wife to give birth

A guy is waiting in the hospital waiting room, while his wife is in labor. There are 3 other men sitting next to him, also waiting for their wives to give birth.

The doctor comes out and says to the first guy, "Lucky you! Your wife just had twins!"
The guy says,"Wow what a coincidence, I ...

Why did it take so long for Atlanta to build a subway?

Talking about an underground railroad is still a sore subject around those parts.

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