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Rails Jokes

Two stoners crawl on rails

One of them says: "This ladder is so long"

Another one replies: "Don't worry, the elevator is coming"

Why don't lightsabers have picatinny rails?

Jedi aren't allowed to have attachments.

Woman is standing on the balcony rails

She is ready to jump as her husband is standing next to her. She says
-Im a sick of this world and you
The kids are horrible and do not let me sleep
I live in a horrible flat and everything is broken
I don't have any money for myself
And God dammit stop pushing me Carl!

(I agai...

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A girl tied to rails

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "Aw man you won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. So I untied her, then we had sex over and over again in every position!!"

His friend replies, "Woah thats f*ckin awesom...

My girlfriend is slightly off the rails.

I'm just hoping she doesn't untie herself in time.

My mother in law has gone a bit off the rails.

Hopefully the train still gets her.

My friend really went off the rails after he failed his statistics course

The aftermath was terrible.

Small, skinny man is sitting in a pub...

There is a beer in front of him. A macho, muscular man enters the pub, taps him on the shoulder and drinks his beer! The skinny man starts crying. The big man:

\- Oh, stop crying, baby. That's just one beer...

The small man:

\- Okay, listen! Today my wife left me, my bank accoun...

2016 is going off the rails with all the people getting offended. There are even some people who've decided it's racist to say "black paint".

Instead you're supposed to say something like "Shawn, would you please paint that fence?"

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A joke from Ukraine

The train suddenly turns off the rails and goes through the village, then through the cornfield and finally comes back to the rails. When it arrives, the passengers ask:
What the hell has happened?

There was a man shitting on the rails.

You should've smashed him.

We have smas...

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Superman was flying over a city NSFW

And he sees Wonderwoman laying naked on a rooftop patio in the sun. He swoops down and before she knows it, he rails her and flies off.
"What was that?" she cries.
The invisible man says "I dunno, but my asshole sure hurts."

A Scotsman, an Australian and a Welshman are hanging out together on a farm...

The Scot notices a sheep that has become stuck in fence trying to squeeze in between the rails.

"I'll just be a minute, lads" says the Scot as he runs over and humps the helpless sheep.

After a good tussle, he rejoins his comrades as the Aussie pipes up:

"Well, I don't see why...

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St.peter was standing at his podium next to the gates of heaven...

He was flipping through the pages of a magazine, bored, when God appeared in a flash of light. "Peter", he said. "Heaven has become a bit overcrowded. I'm afraid we're going to have to make some changes to policy. From now on, when people approach the gates, ask them what kind of day they had. Only ...

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Three men walk up to the pearly gates of heaven

Three men walk up to the pearly gates of heaven, St. peter is there to greet them. He tells the three men that heaven is a bit crowded at the moment and he can only let one of them go through right now. To be fair he tells the guys that “whoever has died the most unusual death can go ahead but the o...

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Two friends are talking about last night

" Dude, last night I was coming back home from work, walking alongside the train rails as usual, when I spotted this girl tied to the rails. So naturally I untied her and took her home, feeling good, feeling like a true hero. Then when we got home I was feeling so excited by this experience that I d...

The pessimist sees a dark tunnel, The optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.

The realist sees two lights at the end of the tunnel, and the engineer can see three idiots standing on the rails.

Why did the kid drop his Icecream?

Because he got hit by a train while crossing the rails.
#staybehindtheyellowline

Three men approach the gates of heaven

Three men approach the gate of heaven and meet Saint Peter who tells them that heaven is getting full and only those with the most awful deaths will be allowed in that day.
The first man steps up and says picture this...My boss let me go home early so I rushed home to my 22nd apartment floor buil...

Did you know about the crazy train driver?

I hear he has tons of loco-motives.


I guess he is known to go off the rails.

Me and my dad have been on an old music kick lately.

Two days ago, he had to go on a business trip. We decided that to stay in touch, we would text the names of old songs to each other. The one we both decided was best would win.

The first day, he texted me, “Hooked on a Feeling.”

I texted back, “Old Time Rock n Roll.”

Yesterday ...

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A rabbit is running around the forest...

when he comes across a lone wolf rolling up a joint. He says to him:
"Hey wolf, that's terrible! Don't do that, come with me and lets run together." The wolf is bewildered, yet agrees to go.

So now they both run through the forest when suddenly they encounter a timid bear about to mainlin...

There once was a train

As it went around a slope, it came off the tracks and slid into a field.

The passengers stepped out unharmed and confronted the train driver.

They asked him what happened and he replied,

"Nothing. All happened according to plan."

The passengers were now furious, and one s...

Wow. Those Spaniards are some die hard Ozzy fans..

..cause they really went off the rails on a crazy train.

How about that train food?

It's off the rails

A discussion me and my wife just had

*Me trying to place the curtain on its rails*

Me:I can't reach it, I need 10 more cm to do it!


Wife:*sigh*.. I know..

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