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Tough Guy Jokes

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

A tough guy walks into a bar, looking for trouble. Orders a boiler maker.

He downs the shot, turns to the guy on his right and punches him in the face.
“That's a right hook from American boxing.”

He drinks down the beer, turns to the guy on his left and kicks him in the belly. "That's a crane kick from Chinese Kung-fu."

He turns to see if anyone in the ba...

Funny variations of this tough guy quote

"Some people are like an old TV

They need to be hit a few times before they get the picture"



"Some people are like pasta

They're hard until things get heated and then they go soft"



And that's all I've got, if you have any share below.

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A tough guy walks into a bar…

…and sits down next to a small man. He looks over at the small man and snorts condescendingly. The small man decides to just ignore him.

Several minutes go by, and *WHACK!* The small man falls to the ground from his stool. The tough guy sneers and says, “THAT was a Kung Fu chop from China!” T...

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

A tough guy I knew said, "Don't start what you can't finish..."

So I threw away all my puzzles.

My First Girlfriend's Dad Was a Real Tough Guy

The first time I met him he said, "Whatever you do my baby girl, I do double back to you."

So I had her peg me.

The pitcher who held the record for walking batters had a reputation as a tough guy.

Because it took a lot of balls.

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A big, tough guy walks into a bar...

Immediately seeing his massive muscles, and overall dangerous aura, everyone hushes and just stares.

"Listen punks," he growls out. "I run this bar now, and you guys are going by my rules! Everyone on the left side is an incest loving hillbilly, and everybody on the right side is a raging hom...

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Tough guy walks into a bar...

..With his pet alligator on a leash. After a few shots of whiskey he smacks the alligator on the snout making the beast open it's mouth, then takes out his pecker and puts it in the gator's mouth. He says "I bet none of you fucking pansies has the balls to do that."

The bar goes quiet for a m...

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

How many tough guys does it take to change a lightbulb?

Three. One to hold the bulb, and the woah, wait... hold on a second. You looking at my girl? You looking at my girl, bro? I'll seriously knock you out.

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Tough Guy picking on a teen

Tough guy: I bet your still a Virgin! HAHAHAHA
Other Guy: I was a Virgin until last night
Tough guy: As if!
Other guy: Yeah man just ask your sister
Tough Guy: I don't have a sister???
Other Guy: You will in about 9 months

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

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The prizefighter and the texan

A prizefighter was driving across West Texas with his wife. He said, "Honey, I've been thinking. I've always heard how tough Texans are. Here I am with a 20-0 record in the ring. I feel like I'm tough but I've never fought a Texan. It's got me to wondering."

The wife said, "Oh Honey, that doe...

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New CEO

The board of directors at one company decided to hire new executive staff in order to increase the company's profits. The new CEO was a very tough guy who made it his mission to rid the company of slackers. One time he notices a guy in the hallway leaning against the wall picking his nose. As there ...

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Super old joke I heard a million years ago

Two pieces of shit walk down the street and see a diarrhea coming towards them.

The diarrhea asks:

"Hi guys, can I hang out with you?"

The two pieces of shit look at each other, then back at the diarrhea and say:

"No, sorry buddy, we only hang out with tough guys."

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The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

A couple of unemployed tough guys see a pair of crocodile shoes in a store window.

The one turns to the other and says, "Look at that price tag! I tell you there's money to be made there!"

So they spend the next 4 weeks in Florida hunting crocs. They kill several, eventually running out of bullets and resorting to a knife at first, then their bare hands.

The firs...

An old drunk walks in the the toughest biker bar. He immediately Scans the crowd until he find the toughest biker in the bar

The guy is a Monster or a man and looks very dangerous. The old drunken man sits down on a bar stool next to him and says loudly, “Hey buddy! Hey! Tough guy! Why don’t you buy me a beer before I go home and go bang your mom!”

The crowd goes silent; they know this biker has killed for far les...

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Two cowboys, Bill and Jim, are riding out when they see a pile of horseshit on the ground

"I bet you ten bucks you can't eat that pile of horseshit, Jim", says Bill, being a joking kind of a guy.

However Jim, being helluva tough guy, answers the bet and eats the pile of shit. Bill reluctantly give him the well-earned $10.

Still, Jim is somewhat upset after eating a pile of ...

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So a sailor is submitted into the hospital

... with two broken arms. You know, a really tough guy, big muscles, lots of body hair and tattoos, a true seaman.

So the two nurses that have to wash him since his arms are broken meet in the halls and one says to the other:

"hey that sailor has a very funny tattoo on his willy, righ...

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The first customer into a new bar...

walks over to the barman.
"Jack and coke please, mate." he says. The barman, without a word, bends down and pulls an apple from the fridge, placing it on the bar in front of his customer. "Er... I asked for a Jack Daniels and coke, mate." says the guy, confused.
"Just bite it." says the ba...

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What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

I dunno, seems like a joke to me

Never use poems in evil ways. Well I'm

gonna do exactly that. I might as well

give you the knowledge that

you will be pranked **hard**. So leave. Still reading? You don't give

up easily. You should've

never read this. Let me just tell you that you're

gonna h...

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Meanwhile in a seafood restaurant

A guy walks into a restaurant and wants to eat squid. He calls the waiter over, whose name is Jervaise, and says 'I want that squid there', pointing at a little green squid with a hairy moustache on its top lip. Jervaise says, 'but that's my favourite, I don't want to kill it, it's so calm and frien...

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A cowboy comes out of a cafe and sees that someone has painted his horse's balls red.

A cowboy just won first place in a rodeo in a small western town. So proud of his horse was he that he rode him to the neighborhood saloon. After tying the horse to a post, he went inside for a couple of brews.

When he came out of the bar a few hours later, he noticed that someone had painte...

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The worst (best?) pun ever.

So a man owns a flower shop in a small town. He's the only florist in the area, so nof course all the townspeople went to him to buy flowers for special events. Then one day a friar moves in, and sets up a flower shop right across the street from the florist. Since everyone wanted to buy flowers fro...

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Lemon drops

So a man walks into a bar and sees a big tough guy standing next to a glass and some lemons.

"What's with the lemons?" he asks.

"Its a challenge." replied the bartender. "This here is the strongest man in the world. He will squeeze as much juice from half a lemon into the glass as he...

So a gentleman walks into a bar...

after a long day of work, and decides to drink his problems away. After awhile he gets pretty drunk and the bartender decides to mess with him a little to have fun. So he asks the man, "hey pal, you wanna make some money?" to which the drunken man replies "of course!". "Ok," the bartender explains, ...

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