UPJOKE
harddifficultruggedbadbullystrongstiffviolentcallouspunkrowdyhooligangoonruffianhood

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough, but we need you to ID the body.

Me looking at the corpse: *takes a deep breath* Are-are you over 21?

the queen lived a tough life, from paycheck to paycheck.

Your paycheck, his paycheck, my paycheck

I'm so tough

that when I go to the beach, I kick sand in my own face

A farmer complained to me men of his profession had a tough time attracting women.

“My buddy’s a car showroom salesman and he says him and his work buddies can’t keep them away! I just don’t get it.”

That’s life, I said, fact is, a lot of women simply prefer showers over growers.

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

Being in a canoe forces you to make a very tough decision.

Roe vs Wade

God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past.

For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll gi...

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Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are....

The first rat takes a shot and says, "Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day."
The second rat takes a shot and says, "That's nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I ...

English is weird

It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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Don't wake Up Until Ten

Three men were discussing aging on the steps of the nursing home.

"Seventy is the worst age to be," announced the seventy year old. "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothing," said the eighty year ol...

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Three Soviet generals wager who has bravest soldiers

Soviet army organizes a large military exercise. Three high-ranking officers - an army general, a navy admiral and an air force commander watch the war games from an observation bunker, drink vodka and argue who has bravest men. They can not reach a conclusion, so the army general calls his troops a...

In these tough times Taco Bell is providing more value than ever

Where else can you get gas for $1.19?

Those who have an obsession with meat and anagrams are tough to please.

They're really hard to assuage.

I went to a mug making workshop today, but it was pretty tough and ended up with a bowl..

I just couldn't handle it.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big...

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey. He downs it and orders another. He downs it and orders a third. As he’s reaching for it the bartender asks if something’s wrong. “Well”, the man replies, “I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.” The bartender replies “Man, that’s tough,...

A tough guy I knew said, "Don't start what you can't finish..."

So I threw away all my puzzles.

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The week in jail

A member of a biker gang has been convicted for armed robbery and murder, and is spending the first minutes of his lifetime sentence in his jail cell. Even though he is an extremely tough guy, not afraid of anything or anyone, he is having quite some difficulty controlling his tears when all of a su...

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

One day at Macy's...

The store manager was giving final instruction to the new sales clerk before sending him out onto the floor for the first time.

Said the manager to the clerk, “The most important thing to remember is that we NEVER tell a customer that we don’t have it. Times are tough, and we can’t afford to ...

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Three couples are trying to join a very conservative church

After going through all of the night classes, Bible lectures, and vows, the minister says they have one final test: they must abstain from relations for one week. All of them agree and go on their way.

When they return, the minister asks them how they did.

The first couple is in their...

M. C. Escher had a very tough childhood

Not only did he have to walk to and from school, but it was uphill both ways.

A Lawyer and an Honest Man

Bill and Phil were taking a stroll through a graveyard when they happened upon a tombstone with the epitaph, "Here lies a Lawyer and an Honest Man"

Bill looked at Phil and said, "Times must have been tough back then, they were burying them two deep."

You’d think going an entire year without celebrating joining Reddit would be tough but it’s actually

A piece of cake.

It was a tough Halloween this year..

I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.

Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!"

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A husband got a new job

A husband got a new job and had to go on his first ever business trip.

This was especially tough because he and his wife made love every other day and he was going to be gone for a week.

He didn’t want his wife to miss him, or miss out on her regular orgasm, so he decided to buy her a ...

A man was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized bag in the plane.

Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to put his bag in the overhead compartment.

"Do you always carry such heavy luggage", she asked.

"No more", the man replied. "Next time, I would be riding in the bag and my partner can buy the ticket".

If you think inflation has been tough on you...

...wait until you hear what it's doing to our balloon animals.

Why did Trump throw so many plates against the wall like a baby?

He wanted to seem tough on china.

COVID lockdowns have been tough on everyone, but especially hard for men.

They've been losing $1.00 for every $0.79 women are losing.

The underwear making company, *Jockey* was having a tough time with stock theft.On departure for home, all workers' bags were searched and everything always seemed OK. All security measures you can think of were put in place...

Auditors were called in but still no one was caught and stock continued to disappear.

All workers, including management were checked on departure and no one was caught with more than one pair.

Then....
One day, the Auditor advised security to *check all workers on their arrival..*...

Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived h...

A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

My First Girlfriend's Dad Was a Real Tough Guy

The first time I met him he said, "Whatever you do my baby girl, I do double back to you."

So I had her peg me.

Making jokes about some subjects is tough, but with erectile dysfunction..

It isn't very hard.

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This dude dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sees him show up and says “Holy shit, you’re the first person that’s ever come up here that’s exactly at 50% good and 50% evil. Not sure if I should send you to Heaven or Hell. This is crazy. Tell you what, since you’re exactly even I’m gonna let you choose”.

The dude says “Oh, wow...

A man find a bottle and rubs it, a Genie pops out and tells the man he has three wishes.

The man’s first wish is for infinite wealth. The genie says, “No problem!” And grants the wish. The man’s bank account crashes due to the amount of money it contains!

The man’s second wish is to have a really nice car that will never run out of gas. The Genie says, “Oh man, that’s a tough one...

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Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

I tried stand-up before, but it didn't work out. My first audience was a real tough crowd

I was performing in a haunted house and the only responses I got were "boooo".

It's tough looking for a rental that allows pets

No one seems to have the right claws in the contract.

Golf Trick Shot

This American golf fanatic always dreamed of playing at st. Andrews, and finally got the chance.

Going with his wife, they teed off and he proceeded to play the best game of his life.

After 9 holes, he was 5 strokes under par, and was on cloud nine.

On the back nine, he start...

Golfing in Heaven

Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day. They arrived at a tough, 215-yard par three, all over water. Jesus had the honor and stepped up to the tee with a 4 iron. Moses tried to convince him that it wasn’t the right club, “That’s not enough club; you need at least a 4 wood.”

Jesus responded...

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Tough to be Irish

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.

" Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad...

It's tough being an antivaxer at the hospital.

They could all use some encouragement when staying positive.

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The Pretzel Hold

An American wrestler is competing in the Olympics and is slated to go up against Ivan Bortski, the Russian champ. Coach pulls him aside and says, "Listen this is Bortski the champion. Whatever you do, don't let him get you into the Pretzel Hold, his most famous move. You won't win if he gets you in...

Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.

Einstein: Tell me what you need, I'm here to help.

Wife: I just need two things right now, some space and time.

Einstein: Ok, so what's the second thing?

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Tonight, some friends and I got tired of being locked up at home and got together, sat around a fire boasting about how tough we are.

My friend Alex says, "I was driving cattle last year, and was bit on the ass by a rattler. Finished the cattle drive. Took three days before I got the doc to look at me. Didn't shed a tear."

Then Julio says, "Yeah? Well I broke up two bulls that were fighting. One popped out my right eye. I p...

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A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar...

A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar and strolls up to the bar that already has wall to wall customers. He shoves everyone to one side and demands the bartender's attention. Everyone is immediately cowed into silence by the look of him.

"Gimme a shot of whiskey!" He barks...

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

**Chuck Norris is so tough he counted to infinity. Twice.**

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

I don't get why people think "War and Peace" is a tough read.

It's only 3 words.

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Being accepted into the Baptist church requires a tough test.

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'...

The Ugly Bus

A bus filled with burn victims unfortunately crashes over a cliff and they all arrive at Heaven's gates in front of St. Peter.

God instructs St. Peter to give them all one wish since they've had a tough life as burn victims.

St. Peter explains this to the group and the first person ask...

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. ..

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm going to sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse isn't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wan...

The tough CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!


The CEO ...

A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there's a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.

A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says...

"I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in.

Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says,

"I'm with the police."
...

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, an...

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Tough being a boss

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler ...

My school was tough. My teacher asked a kid what comes after a sentence?

The kid said an appeal.

What does SWAT stand for…

… in Texas?

Stand, Wait, Act Tough

The bathroom had no toilet paper, and all I had to use was the money in my pocket.

So I did what had to be done.

It was tough, and a little messy.

But for a clean ass?

it was the best 43 cents i’d ever spent.

I'm having a really tough time coming up with new phrases to put onto custom cutting boards...

I guess I have writer's block.

Being the son of an alcoholic genie was pretty tough

He spent most of my childhood in the bottle

What did the ghost mom say to the ghost kid?

It’s tough being apparent.

Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

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A depressed man walks into a bar.

He approaches the bartender and says, "I'll have six double brandy." The bartender replies, "You must've had a really tough day!"

"Yeah, I found out that my dad is gay", the man replies.

The following day, the man returns to the bar looking much sadder than before, ordering another six...

Two drunk guys walk into a hotel

snippering one word after another they finally manage to make themselves understood by the girl at the reception.

"So you want the cheapest double room we have, right? The only free one is on the 100th floor but the elevator is broken". The two guys, in order not to spend the night sleeping o...

My brother was having a tough time losing weight.

Our sister thought he should cut back gradually, so one day she asked, “Mike would you like to split a doughnut with me?”
Mike answered, “Want to split two?”

Keith Flint failed his English at School. It was a really tough break because his final essay was excellent

He just ran out of space

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Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The bu...

A Tough Mafioso Called Home

Maid answers: Hello?

Tough Mafioso: Put my wife on the phone.

Maid: Just a minute.

Maid comes back after a minute: I'm sorry but she's indisposed in the bathroom.

Tough Mafioso: I said put her on the phone. Now!

Maid stutters: She, she can't come to the phone right...

An Obese friend of mine was going through some tough time.

So I asked him if he needed any help? He said “No Thank you, I have a lot on my plate now”.

Pete was having a tough day at work...

His boss was berating him for a simple mistake. His coworkers were irritable. Customers were condescending. The only thing getting him through the day was knowing that his new golf clubs were coming in the mail later that day. He finally gets to leave work and gets home. He cracks open his bee...

being an asian kid is tough,

i got frowned by my parents because i got B+ for my test

it was blood test

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire, each telling tall tales.

The first one says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy there is. The other day a bull got loose in the corral and gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands."

The second cowboy says. "Why that's nothing. I was walking down the trail yesterday and a f...

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After a tough week, a colleague said he was totally wiped out.

I said, "You're an asshole. What did you expect?"

In the bible, Samson was a tough man.

But his father Samsonite was a real hard case.

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It’s tough trying to explain Japanese history

But I can Samurais it.

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Cucumber, pickle and penis....

One day a cucumber, pickle and a penis were having a conversation.


The Pickle says, "You know, my life really sucks. Whenever I get big fat and juicy they sprinkle seasonings on my and stick me in a jar.


The Cucumber says, "Yeah, you think that's bad? Whenever I get big, fa...

It's really tough being in a legal battle with Mclaren..

It turns out they never settle..

My girlfriend broke up with me and I’ve been having a tough time getting over her. My friend said I should try having a one night stand, and I gotta say, it really helped!

The tissues are much closer to my bed now when I cry myself to sleep!

I had a tough conversation with my parents

Dad: knock knock

Me: who's there?

Dad: water

Me: water who?

Dad: water you even doing with your life? I ask you this in the form of a joke because it seems this best relates to the course of your life thus far.

The pitcher who held the record for walking batters had a reputation as a tough guy.

Because it took a lot of balls.

It is really tough being a dairy farmer.

You make money by the skim of your teat!

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Out of a 100 CIA initiates, a woman and 2 men are the only ones still remaining after a tough initiation program.

The 3 still have to perform one ultimate test to be fully initiated into the CIA.

The first man is being called by the CIA chief.
"Sir" the chief says "It is time for your final test, a test to prove you will follow orders under any circumstances"
"Right here I have a loaded gun" he con...

A minister had fallen on tough financial times...

So tough, that he was unsure of how he would pay next months bills, or continue to provide food for his family.

One day, in a moment of doubt, he prayed: "Heavenly Father, I am worried and uncertain, but know that you always provide for your children. Please, give me some words from your book...

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

A World War II Spitfire pilot is speaking in a church and reminiscing about his war experiences. "In 1942, the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, one day, I was protecting the bombers and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared!"

There are a few gasps from the parishioners, and several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and realized that two of the fokkers were directly above me. I aimed at the first one and shot him down. By then, though, the other fokker was right on my tail."

At this point, sever...

After 3 weeks at sea, the captain speaks to the oarmen. "I know its been rough seas, and tough rowing, but I've got some good news and bad news for you. The good news is you all get to change underwear....

...the bad news is, George you change with Bob. James, you change with Bill. John, you change with Ed, Rob you change.........."

Telling your suitcase there’s going to be no vacation this year can be tough,

Emotional baggage is the worst.

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Daniel Running Deer walked up to the customer service counter at the supermarket

He told the agent that he wanted to return a package of John Wayne brand toilet paper. She asked him what was wrong with it and Daniel said “Well it’s rough, and it’s tough, and it doesn’t take any shit off of Indians.”

When the going gets tough...

Tell the going to be more gentle next time

Thor

What did Mike Tyson say after a tough fight ?

I am Thor

Made up an absolutely horrible joke this morning. It needs work tough like my lazy uncle Mike.

I got in a fight with my Girlfriend this morning because I forgot to cut up her breakfast for her. She just go home from the hospital cause last week she was in a horrible car accident she lost an arm, broke her leg and is going to be in a wheel chair for the foreseeable future to be honest I'm jus...

When I was young I was pretty curious. I used to go to my grandpa with my questions....

Me: Grandpa, why does is it rain ?

Grandpa: Son, sometimes mama earth feels thirsty.

Me: Also why do animals die ?

Grandpa: Sometimes mama feels hungry too, bud. I think thats it for today?

Me: One more, grandpa! Why do forest fires occur? I learned about them in school t...

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Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

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A Harvard Law graduate starts first day on the job

The president of the firm says, “If you marry my daughter, I’ll make you a partner, give you an unlimited expense account, a new Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary, in addition to your fees from the cases you take on.”

The guy says, “I don’t get it. Is something wrong with her?" The...

Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....

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What does a brain, a heart, a gut and a penis have in common?

You have to choose which one to listen to in a tough situation

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Being a single father of 5 is tough..

Never know when one of those little fuckers might find me

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Super old joke I heard a million years ago

Two pieces of shit walk down the street and see a diarrhea coming towards them.

The diarrhea asks:

"Hi guys, can I hang out with you?"

The two pieces of shit look at each other, then back at the diarrhea and say:

"No, sorry buddy, we only hang out with tough guys."

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A nun is walking down the street at night ...

And sees a drunk man staggering her way. She silently asks "please God, protect this poor soul". The drunk staggers closer, then out of nowhere punches the nun square in the nose! She drops, then slowly gets up and says "please God, forgive this man, it's the alcohol demon over him". She gets to he...

I found geometry tough to learn

It was an all around problem for me.

A very tough question to answer

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

It's good to know that in these tough times, there's still someone doing hair, nails, and brows.

The Funeral Director.

Keep going outside for an early appointment.

Apparently the world tongue twister champion was recently arrested.

I hear they’re gonna give him a tough sentence

I only ask God the tough jokes:

Like, “why are we here?” And “How do we get rid of this baby?”

I work in a crematorium and is tough.

You can never urn a living.

Why is it tough for a Karen to become a Ventriloquist?

They don't wear masks!

Our Math teacher gave us a tough question to answer.

"John was born with four different skin colors, what is the total percentage for each skin colors?"

I failed since i answered " foreskin %"

Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough

She keeps asking what I’m doing

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Why are sewage treatment workers always so tough?

They have to deal with all the world’s shit.

Growing up we didn't have a lot of money. I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.

Times were tough

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3 days remaining - Not Nut November has been so tough for me

Every time I crave for almond, I control the urge by masturbating.

President Trump is tough on China!

Every time he reads the Presidential Polls at dinner, he smashes his plates against the wall.

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3 guys are sitting around a campfire

One guy says to the other 2, “I’m the toughest guy here. One time I was out in the woods and I got attacked by a mountain lion! I wrestled with it and was able to stab it to death.”
One of the other guys says, “You think that’s tough? I was out in the woods and got attacked by a full size grizzly...

When I was younger, I had a tough time concentrating in school

My parents told me that if I didn't improve, they would have to send me to Concentration Camp

Times were tough at the Daily Planet and Perry White was forced to fire a star reporter. Either Lois Lane or Clark Kent.

He struggled making a decision for days until he went to the grocery store and saw a sign. The next day he called both of them into his office where fired Lois Lane. After she left, Clark Kent asked him, "Perry, how did you decide which of us to fire?" He replied, "I couldn't make a decision until I...

It’s tough to have a conversation with a chicken.

They have very fowl mouths.

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Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

(This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred fou...

Mentally tough people are better at this important skill:

>!Resisting clickbait headlines.!<

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A mosquito had a very tough upbringing

His father was an alcoholic. Many afternoons his father would come drunk and beat his wife and only son, John. John was traumatised by his father’s acts. Every day when he went to school he would cry. Everyday he thought himself that he will be a better mosquito than his father one day.

He c...

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