UPJOKE
harddifficultruggedbadbullyfibrousstrongstifftoughenedviolentcartilaginousthickenedcallouspunkrowdy

Tough Jokes

As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.

Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.

The tough CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!


The CEO ...

The tough question

One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.

On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him:

\- "I'm sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!"

The driver agrees:

\- "You're right. As your driver, I ...

I went to a tough school.

In English class, the teacher asked 'what comes after a sentence', and someone yelled out 'an appeal'.The science teacher asked the class how to prove the law of gravity. They threw her out the window."I tell you...at the football games, after our team sacked the quarterback, they went after his fam...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says:
"When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot.
When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The secon...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three rats are at a bar telling stories on how tough they are....

The first rat takes a shot and says, "Whenever I find rat poison, I like to crush it up and do lines just to get a good buzz for the day."
The second rat takes a shot and says, "That's nothing! Whenever I find cheese on a mousetrap, I purposely trip the spring & right before I get crushed I ...

Funny variations of this tough guy quote

"Some people are like an old TV

They need to be hit a few times before they get the picture"



"Some people are like pasta

They're hard until things get heated and then they go soft"



And that's all I've got, if you have any share below.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tough to be Irish

"What's your name?", asked the teacher.

"Mohammad," he replied.

"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike.

" Mohammad returned home after school.

"How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked.

"My name is not Mohammad...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

A tough guy walks into a bar, looking for trouble. Orders a boiler maker.

He downs the shot, turns to the guy on his right and punches him in the face.
“That's a right hook from American boxing.”

He drinks down the beer, turns to the guy on his left and kicks him in the belly. "That's a crane kick from Chinese Kung-fu."

He turns to see if anyone in the ba...

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution.

His last minute plea for clemency to the Governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it."...

I had a tough conversation with my parents

Dad: knock knock

Me: who's there?

Dad: water

Me: water who?

Dad: water you even doing with your life? I ask you this in the form of a joke because it seems this best relates to the course of your life thus far.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tough as an iron poker

Three cowboys are standing around a campfire. The first cowboy says, "I know I'm toughest cowboy there's ever been. I'll break any stallion in a day."

The second cowboy replies, "I'm tougher than that. I fought off a grizzly with my bare hands and got right back to work."

T...

My French teacher is so tough,

She eats pain for breakfast.

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. ..

A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm going to sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse isn't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wan...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Our President Elect is a real tough guy...

The candidate who was going to "defeat ISIS" is currently at war with Saturday Night Live and a Broadway musical.

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, an...

Tough

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all. On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking co...

It’s tough finding journalists qualified to report on rhythm sections

They need to cover all the basses and can’t miss a beat.



I'm reposting this joke until somebody finds it funny beside me.

Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived h...

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tough guy walks into a bar…

…and sits down next to a small man. He looks over at the small man and snorts condescendingly. The small man decides to just ignore him.

Several minutes go by, and *WHACK!* The small man falls to the ground from his stool. The tough guy sneers and says, “THAT was a Kung Fu chop from China!” T...

M. C. Escher had a very tough childhood

Not only did he have to walk to and from school, but it was uphill both ways.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband and wife go through tough times…

A husband confronts his wife about their financial situation….

Husband: “We’re broke, dear. We need to somehow make money fast…you might have to do some things you’ve never thought you’d have to do…”

The wife nods in agreement. She knows what needs to be done

The next day she go...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had to make a tough decision. I asked my wife, "Can I pick your brain?"

She said, "You can… but I'm surprised you wouldn't pick my tits."

What's the opposite of "Debbie Downer"?

Beth-amphetamine

Being in a canoe forces you to make a very tough decision.

Roe vs Wade

the queen lived a tough life, from paycheck to paycheck.

Your paycheck, his paycheck, my paycheck

As my daughter was walking out the door to go on her first date, in my best grumpy old tough guy dad voice, I growled, "I want her home before midnight." The boy she was going with stopped dead in his tracks, turned slowly around and with wide eyes replied....

"But you already own her home!"

Why do depressed people give the best head?

Because they don’t care about breathing anymore.

Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.

Einstein: Tell me what you need, I'm here to help.

Wife: I just need two things right now, some space and time.

Einstein: Ok, so what's the second thing?

My neighbor's son Bran always gave them a tough time eating breakfast. I guess you could say

Raisin Bran was hard !

A very tough question to answer

If con is the opposite of pro, then isn’t Congress the opposite of progress?

Some say English is tough...

Some say English is tough, it can be understood through thorough thought though.

It was a tough Halloween this year..

I staked 5 vampires, beheaded 3 zombies and exorcised 8 ghosts.

Then the wife came out screaming something about
"No, no you give them candy!!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being a single father of 5 is tough..

Never know when one of those little fuckers might find me

Work has been tough just lately, but at least I'm sleeping like a baby

...waking up every couple of hours crying and needing a bottle.

My First Girlfriend's Dad Was a Real Tough Guy

The first time I met him he said, "Whatever you do my baby girl, I do double back to you."

So I had her peg me.

According to the police blotter in our newspaper, it's been a tough week for them.

Monday: Someone stole all the toilets from the station house. So far they have nothing to go on.

Wednesday: A large sinkhole opened up in the middle of main St. They are still looking into it.

Friday: A thief has stolen all the wheels off of the police cruisers. They are working the ca...

Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough, but we need you to ID the body.

Me looking at the corpse: *takes a deep breath* Are-are you over 21?

Making jokes about some subjects is tough, but with erectile dysfunction..

It isn't very hard.

In these tough times Taco Bell is providing more value than ever

Where else can you get gas for $1.19?

COVID lockdowns have been tough on everyone, but especially hard for men.

They've been losing $1.00 for every $0.79 women are losing.

Making the arrangements for my wife's funeral is tough

She keeps asking what I’m doing

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tough being a boss

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one who used the water cooler ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 Tough Cowboys

Three cowboys are sitting around the campfire after a long day on the plains.

The first cowboy says, "I'm the toughest man in the west, I once took three arrows in my back and rode 2 days through Indian infested badlands to get help."

The second cowboy says, "Bah, I'm the toughest man ...

A Tough Mafioso Called Home

Maid answers: Hello?

Tough Mafioso: Put my wife on the phone.

Maid: Just a minute.

Maid comes back after a minute: I'm sorry but she's indisposed in the bathroom.

Tough Mafioso: I said put her on the phone. Now!

Maid stutters: She, she can't come to the phone right...

Those who have an obsession with meat and anagrams are tough to please.

They're really hard to assuage.

It's tough being an antivaxer at the hospital.

They could all use some encouragement when staying positive.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being accepted into the Baptist church requires a tough test.

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'...

A tough guy I knew said, "Don't start what you can't finish..."

So I threw away all my puzzles.

A farmer complained to me men of his profession had a tough time attracting women.

“My buddy’s a car showroom salesman and he says him and his work buddies can’t keep them away! I just don’t get it.”

That’s life, I said, fact is, a lot of women simply prefer showers over growers.

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tough job

What do you all the boss of a sperm bank?

A wank manager.

It's tough looking for a rental that allows pets

No one seems to have the right claws in the contract.

Being the son of an alcoholic genie was pretty tough

He spent most of my childhood in the bottle

Where do tough chickens come from?

Hard boiled eggs

being an asian kid is tough,

i got frowned by my parents because i got B+ for my test

it was blood test

You’d think going an entire year without celebrating joining Reddit would be tough but it’s actually

A piece of cake.

When the going gets tough...

Tell the going to be more gentle next time

Pete was having a tough day at work...

His boss was berating him for a simple mistake. His coworkers were irritable. Customers were condescending. The only thing getting him through the day was knowing that his new golf clubs were coming in the mail later that day. He finally gets to leave work and gets home. He cracks open his bee...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s tough trying to explain Japanese history

But I can Samurais it.

In the bible, Samson was a tough man.

But his father Samsonite was a real hard case.

It is really tough being a dairy farmer.

You make money by the skim of your teat!

One tough workout

An older lady decided it was time to get her body in shape once and for all.

She joined an aerobics class for seniors, and spent a whole hour jumping, twisting, gyrating, and sweating.

Unfortunately, by the time she had gotten her leotard on straight, the class was over.

Tough business

“I started a business breeding chickens, but I'm struggling to make hens meet.”

Why do people think icebergs are tough?

Survivorship bias.

My brother was having a tough time losing weight.

Our sister thought he should cut back gradually, so one day she asked, “Mike would you like to split a doughnut with me?”
Mike answered, “Want to split two?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Tough pill to swallow...

So There's this couple and one day the boyfriend finds the a little stuffed bear at a thrift shop and buys it for his girlfriend and gives it to her as a gift
" I saw that this little guy s eyes were sown pointing to each other, and I got it because I know you love imperfect things, because you...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Tough Man Contest

A man walks into a bar and is greeted by a woman. The woman asks the man if he would like to partake in the tough man contest. He agrees, and asks her how to win.

She says, "Well, first you'll have to pour yourself 10 shots of whiskey, knock that guy out cold at the bar, pull the dogs rotten ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar...

A giant burly tough-as-nails biker dude barges into a bar and strolls up to the bar that already has wall to wall customers. He shoves everyone to one side and demands the bartender's attention. Everyone is immediately cowed into silence by the look of him.

"Gimme a shot of whiskey!" He barks...

My school was tough. My teacher asked a kid what comes after a sentence?

The kid said an appeal.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit.

A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night.

As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The bu...

I only ask God the tough jokes:

Like, “why are we here?” And “How do we get rid of this baby?”

A man was having a tough time lugging his lumpy, oversized bag in the plane.

Helped by a flight attendant, he finally managed to put his bag in the overhead compartment.

"Do you always carry such heavy luggage", she asked.

"No more", the man replied. "Next time, I would be riding in the bag and my partner can buy the ticket".

It's really tough being in a legal battle with Mclaren..

It turns out they never settle..

I don't get why people think "War and Peace" is a tough read.

It's only 3 words.

Just In: Tough Guys Start Work on New Rock Factory

Brave building builders build big boulder building building.

Dogs are tough!!

Been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who's a good boy!

I work in a crematorium and is tough.

You can never urn a living.

A minister had fallen on tough financial times...

So tough, that he was unsure of how he would pay next months bills, or continue to provide food for his family.

One day, in a moment of doubt, he prayed: "Heavenly Father, I am worried and uncertain, but know that you always provide for your children. Please, give me some words from your book...

Chuck Norris isn't that tough...

If he was he'd come here and mash my face into my keyboarfnfjdjfhnjdfyxydbdhxhdhd

An Obese friend of mine was going through some tough time.

So I asked him if he needed any help? He said “No Thank you, I have a lot on my plate now”.

I went to a mug making workshop today, but it was pretty tough and ended up with a bowl..

I just couldn't handle it.

Times are tough

*I heard this at work from an older coworker. Also our factory is being relocated so it fits perfectly*

A few employees gather around a smoke pit discussing their current predicament of their place of employment shutting down. One of them hesitantly admits how they have been able to scrounge...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BEING A FARMER IS TOUGH!

A farmer was selling

his peaches door to door.
He knocked on a door

and a shapely 30-something woman
dressed in a very

sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket

to show her the peaches and asked,
"Would you like to

buy some peaches?...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tough piece of back tarmac is having a pint at the bar.

The bartender notices a muscled red piece of tarmac enter the bar, and asks the black piece if he could take him in a fight.

'Of course mate, he's a fucking bus lane.'

A little while later, a blue piece of tarmac enters the bar. The bartender again asks if the black piece could beat hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young guy goes into a drug store owned by two spinster sisters.

He awkwardly says to the one lady at the pharmacy counter, "Um, this is embarrassing but I have this condition where about once a day I become incredibly aroused and overcome by the desire to have sex with any woman at all. It's overwhelming! What can you give me for it?"

"Hmm," replied the l...

Group work can be tough...

I'm taking European history for a 'social studies' credit. Closer to the end of the semester we had a group project and my group ended up with the united kingdom as our topic. Almost immediately we ran into problems though because everyone was against group work and organizing this was growing ever ...

It’s tough to have a conversation with a chicken.

They have very fowl mouths.

Spanish is a tough language

it takes so much time and effort to say even a simple word such as "goal".

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

The elevator business is a tough market

It has its ups and downs.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a tough week, a colleague said he was totally wiped out.

I said, "You're an asshole. What did you expect?"

Our Math teacher gave us a tough question to answer.

"John was born with four different skin colors, what is the total percentage for each skin colors?"

I failed since i answered " foreskin %"

My 18 yo sister said that online dating is tough

In the past 8 years every man she met there ended up in jail

Mentally tough people are better at this important skill:

>!Resisting clickbait headlines.!<

Why is Hardtack so tough?

It's bread for combat.

God is having a tough day

(Not sure if this is a repost)

It’s particularly busy in heaven, and God decides that he is only going to let the most upsetting and ridiculous deaths into heaven.

The day goes on and around midday three men arrive at St. Peter’s gates, and god stops them, he says...

“Sorry guys...

I tried stand-up before, but it didn't work out. My first audience was a real tough crowd

I was performing in a haunted house and the only responses I got were "boooo".

Deaf people seem tough to me

Because they always let their fists do the talking

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three mice are throwing back whiskey and talkin' tough.

The first mouse says, "I'm not saying I'm the biggest badass in the world, but lemme just tell you what I do each morning. I grab a nice big hunk of rat poison and crush it in my paws and sprinkle it in my coffee. Just for the buzz."

The second mouse says, "You think that's tough? Me, I wake ...

A man wants to enter a club he’s visiting in cuba, but there's a tough looking bouncer that won’t let anyone in.

A cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says...

"I'm with the police." The bouncer lets him in.

Less than a minute later, another cuban man with a large beard walks up to the bouncer, strokes his beard and says,

"I'm with the police."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

A tough old rancher once told his grandson that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.

The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 97. When he died, he left behind 14 children, 27 grandchildren, 34 great-grandchildren and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Chuck Norris's password is the last 9 digits of pi.

Chuck Norris can divide by 0.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity twice

Chuck Norris can cross a vector with a scalar

Chuck Norris is so tough he can draw a circle with exactly 100 degrees.

Chuck Norris is so badass he can find value of a variable in an expansion without fac...

When I was 10 years old, my dad sat me down and said "You know sonny when the going gets tough, the tough get going."

And then he left.

Weightlifting is a tough sport

Others set the bar very high

English is a tough language...

It's known for beating up other languages in dark alleys for little more than spare grammar and loose vocabulary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A penis has a tough life

His hair’s a mess, his family’s nuts, his neighbor’s an asshole, his best friend’s a pussy and his owner fucking beats him.

I'm having a really tough time coming up with new phrases to put onto custom cutting boards...

I guess I have writer's block.

My hometown is so tough

that, when I used Google Earth so show my girlfriend where I used to live, we got mugged.

Three tough biker dudes...

...walk into a bar. They notice a skinny, bespectacled little guy sitting in the corner by himself, and decide to have some fun.

They order three beers, and one of the bikers says, "Charge these to that little runt over there in the corner." Then he calls over to the little guy, "Hey, Poind...

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

**Chuck Norris is so tough he counted to infinity. Twice.**

Jehovah is showing Ra around Heaven one day...

... when a man runs up to them, crosses himself, then spreads his arms and closes his eyes.

"Excuse me," Jehovah says to Ra, "this will only take a second." He waves his hands, there's a flash of light, and a purring kitten goes scampering away from where the man had been.

"Other than ...

Batteries have a tough life.

They're either working or dead.

Living in the spaghetto is tough...

One moment you’re there, the next you’ve pasta way

Telling your suitcase there’s going to be no vacation this year can be tough,

Emotional baggage is the worst.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rough and tough cowboy hitches his horse outside a saloon.

Spurs ringing up the stairs, the door swings open and he sits down on a stool. "gimme a beer, bottle of whisky". After he drinks his fair share we walks back out to unhitch his horse. A second later, the swinging doors bust open and a bullet tears through the roof. "All right you sons of bitches! W...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mosquito had a very tough upbringing

His father was an alcoholic. Many afternoons his father would come drunk and beat his wife and only son, John. John was traumatised by his father’s acts. Every day when he went to school he would cry. Everyday he thought himself that he will be a better mosquito than his father one day.

He c...

When I was younger, I had a tough time concentrating in school

My parents told me that if I didn't improve, they would have to send me to Concentration Camp

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.