UPJOKE
feelcontactrefertouch onstrokeadjoinhitfingerhinttingerelatemeetconcernpertainbear on

Touched Jokes

In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today

But it's okay, i'm self-employed

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

When I was 9, I was touched by an Angel.

Angel Martinez, currently serving 16 years.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her panties, then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A vagina.

Touched by Jesus

Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed “EEEEEEEEEE!”, lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the blind man say when he touched sandpaper for the first time?

"What the fuck did I just read?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girl: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned”

Priest: “What did you do dear?”

Woman: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Woman: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Woman: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to ca...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guys, I've finally touched a pair of boobs!

Man I really should start losing weight :(

My wife hasn't touched my genitals in years

She's a world champion at dodgeball.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bus full of Nuns falls of a cliff and they all die.

They arrive at the gates of heaven and meet St. Peter. St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a single question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun in the line and asks her “S...

What's long and if touched, liquid comes out from the tip?

A pen

I told her that she touched me deeper than anyone has ever touched me before.

And she said yes, the colonoscopy went well.

My doctor told me that I had a healthy prostate.

I was deeply touched.

I touched an open wire,

what happened next will shock you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 nuns go to heaven

4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.

St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"

The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."

St...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A train ploughs into the side of a catholic girls school bus.

A train ploughs into the side of a Catholic girls school bus, killing them all. At the gates of heaven, st Peter asks the girls "have any of you ever touched a penis?"

The first girl, Paula, shyly says "I once touched the head of a penis with the tip of my finger." St Peter says "Okay, dip y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a gorgeous blond jumped out of her Porsche at an intersection and began shouting at me as our cars had touched ...

"Just ram me up the ass why don't you" she shouted...

...And that Your Honour is where the confusion began. ..

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

I bought a theremin

But I haven’t touched it in years.

I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.

Today I inappropriately touched and propositioned several female coworkers...

It's all good though. I said "No Cuomo"

I touched myself and my life went downhill

It was a stroke of back luck

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped do...

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Imagine if King Midas touched his wife...

... while having sex.

That’ll be fucking gold.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I touched my girlfriends ass and she farted.





It was a booty trap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a nun and a young woman are sitting in a train compartment

The train drives into a tunnel, the lights in the compartment have gone out, it is pitch black. Suddenly a loud SMACK! is heard, and when the train is back out of the tunnel, the Frenchman is in pain, holding his red cheek.

The Nun thinks: "He must have groped the young woman and she slapped ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

I touched my inner self today.

That was the last time I bought a 1ply toilet paper.

Things got spicy after I touched my girlfriend's rack.

I didn't realize it was broken on one side... what a waste of thyme!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Four nuns have just died

They are waiting to talk to Saint Peter outside the gates of Heaven.

Saint Peter: “Sisters, confess your sins and you may enter paradise.”

Nun #1: “Saint Peter, forgive me, in my life I once gazed lustfully at a man’s penis.”

St Pete: “Sister, rinse your eyes with this Holy Wat...

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to translate joke from Arabic

Three women setting together talking about a new ways to initiate sex with thier husbands,
One of them says "I have a good way, when ever I want to have sex with John I touch his dick and say your dick is very cold, do you need warming it a bit?, And that's it"

next day they the second wo...

My teacher touched me

Seriously, his lecture was fantastic

Don't know what touched me more as a child...

Michael Jackson's music or Michael Jackson.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

A very unlucky man finds a strange looking lamp, and when he touches it, a genie pops out.

The genie tells him he has one wish

The man says "Wow, finally my bad luck will come to an end!"

After thinking about it for a long time, he says "I wish I had the midas touch"

The genie grants his wish, and for the rest of that mans life everything he touched turned into a muf...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Every second on Earth, a boob is being touched somewhere

It's the breast feeling in the world

That Catholic priest just touched me

with his amazing sermon.

My teacher always touched me in inappropriate places.

The kitchen...the living room....
I hated being homeschooled.

I remember the time I was touched by Jesus on a Sunday.

It was the best summer trip to Mexico ever.

Did you hear about the Touched by an Angel spinoff?

Probably not, Touched By a Priest just never caught on with the public.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend hasn't touched my dick in so long.

Its schlong overdue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad, a girl invited me over to her house

"Oh that is great, Billy. But you should be careful, you are young and an STD or unwanted pregnancy is going to be devastating. Please, remember to wear a condom if the situation arises... Actually, no. I don't trust you, son. Put it on right now, because at the heat of the moment you will forget." ...

Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adolf Hitler has never touched Call of Duty...

...and yet, he still has a better KDR than me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I was a boy, Gene Wilder touched me

With his acting as Willy Wonka.

Doctor, I touched my face and now I keep saying “my my my my woo!”

What do I have?

Sharonavirus

Note: the young do not show symptoms when exposed to the above...

A Mexican electrician accidentally touched a live wire.

He suffered a Corona discharge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A nun and a priest are crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke.

"Well sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it l...

The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.

At least, that's what the restraining order says.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Soviet communist lies on his death bed, on the verge of death. His friends are gathered around him all somber. The old man turns to one of them and says, "Dimitri, remember in 1921 you were almost executed? Well, you should know that I ratted you out to the Cheka. I hope you forgive me."

"Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri.

The Communist then turns to another friend.

"Petya, remember being sentenced in 1937 to 25 years in the gulag? Well, it was me who went to the NKVD. Please forgive me."

"No more hard feelings, my friend. You are f...

A few years ago, I was touched by Kevin Spacey.

I really liked K-PAX.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.