Touched Jokes - 45 Hilarious Touched Jokes

In 2016, celebrities died and their legacies touched people.

In 2017, celebrities touched people and their legacies died.

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today

But it's okay, i'm self-employed

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

One day, a taxi cab passenger touched...

a new cab driver on his shoulder to ask him something. The driver squealed “EEEEEEEEEE!”, lost control of car, and screeched to a stop after mounting the sidewalk. The passenger apologised profusely & said: "I had no idea you would be startled by me tapping your shoulder!"

Driver replied...

When I was 9, I was touched by an Angel.

Angel Martinez, currently serving 16 years.

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I was passionately kissing a Thai woman. I gently slid my hand up her thigh until I reached her , then I touched her crotch and I couldn't believe what I felt.

A .

Touched by Jesus

Saying that you were touched by Jesus is a completely different story in a Mexican prison.

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What did the blind man say when he touched sandpaper for the first time?

"What the did I just read?"

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Guys, I've finally touched a pair of !

Man I really should start losing weight :(

My wife hasn't touched my in years

She's a world champion at dodgeball.

What's long and if touched, liquid comes out from the tip?

A pen

I told her that she touched me deeper than anyone has ever touched me before.

And she said yes, the colonoscopy went well.

My doctor told me that I had a healthy prostate.

I was deeply touched.

I touched an open wire,

what happened next will shock you.

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4 nuns go to heaven

4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.

St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a ?"

The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a with the tip of my finger."

St...

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a gorgeous blond jumped out of her Porsche at an intersection and began shouting at me as our cars had touched ...

"Just ram me up the why don't you" she shouted...

...And that Your Honour is where the confusion began. ..

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office

A gorgeous young brunette goes into the doctor’s office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.

“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me”.

“The brunette took her finger, pushed on her left wrist and screamed,then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more.

She pu...

When I was younger, the local priest told me that I was the prettiest boy he'd ever seen.

I was touched.

I bought a theremin

But I haven’t touched it in years.

I’m sorry to anyone who gets it.

Today I inappropriately touched and propositioned several female coworkers...

It's all good though. I said "No Cuomo"

I touched myself and my life went downhill

It was a stroke of back luck

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped do...

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "...

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Imagine if King Midas touched his wife...

... while having .

That’ll be gold.

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I touched my girlfriends and she farted.

It was a booty trap.

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a nun and a young woman are sitting in a train compartment

The train drives into a tunnel, the lights in the compartment have gone out, it is pitch black. Suddenly a loud SMACK! is heard, and when the train is back out of the tunnel, the Frenchman is in pain, holding his red cheek.

The Nun thinks: "He must have groped the young woman and she slapped ...

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde and a homely brunette are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The brunette thinks "I bet that di...

I touched my inner self today.

That was the last time I bought a 1ply toilet paper.

Things got spicy after I touched my girlfriend's rack.

I didn't realize it was broken on one side... what a waste of thyme!

A very religious man went on a safari

When he was there, he found a huge lion. The man didn't have a gun and there was no way he could outrun the lion. So, he did the only thing he could do. He got on his knees and prayed "Dear God, I was always a good Christian. Will you perform a miracle and give this lion some christian feelings"....

My teacher touched me

Seriously, his lecture was fantastic

A very unlucky man finds a strange looking lamp, and when he touches it, a genie pops out.

The genie tells him he has one wish

The man says "Wow, finally my bad luck will come to an end!"

After thinking about it for a long time, he says "I wish I had the midas touch"

The genie grants his wish, and for the rest of that mans life everything he touched turned into a muf...

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Every second on Earth, a is being touched somewhere

It's the breast feeling in the world

That Catholic priest just touched me

with his amazing sermon.

My teacher always touched me in inappropriate places.

The kitchen...the living room....
I hated being homeschooled.

I remember the time I was touched by Jesus on a Sunday.

It was the best summer trip to Mexico ever.

Did you hear about the Touched by an Angel spinoff?

Probably not, Touched By a Priest just never caught on with the public.

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My girlfriend hasn't touched my in so long.

Its overdue.

Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.

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Adolf Hitler has never touched Call of Duty...

...and yet, he still has a better KDR than me.

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When I was a boy, Gene Wilder touched me

With his acting as Willy Wonka.

Doctor, I touched my face and now I keep saying “my my my my woo!”

What do I have?

Sharonavirus

Note: the young do not show symptoms when exposed to the above...

A Mexican electrician accidentally touched a live wire.

He suffered a Corona discharge.

The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched.

At least, that's what the restraining order says.

A few years ago, I was touched by Kevin Spacey.

I really liked K-PAX.

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