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Tom Brady Jokes

Tom Brady told me he's on a diet.

Well, he didn't actually say diet. He said Sundays are his cheat day, but I can read between the lines.

When it comes to trick plays, you have to hand it to Tom Brady...

Literally. He can’t catch.

Tom Brady's so old...

He won his first Superbowl in standard definition.

Why is Tom Brady against raising the federal minimum wage?

He doesn’t want things to get too inflated.

Why is Tom Brady always so optimistic?

He sees the football as half full.

Why does Tom Brady hate investing cryptocurrancy

Because it could lead to inflation.

Tom Brady has 6 rings...

... and now he can destroy half the NFL with one snap

Tom Brady must be a golfer

Because golfers are known for their inability to count to four

Tom Brady is a very polarizing sports figure.

On one hand, he has FIVE super bowl rings. But on the other hand, he only has one.

Tom Brady just announced that he was retiring from football for good.

That's a relief because if he was retiring for evil, then evil would probably win.

Tom Brady walks into a bar

to watch the Super Bowl.

Report: Tom Brady to retire.

Fans hoping for one more season reportedly deflated by the news.

Tom Brady asked me if I could help him after his house’s air conditioning system broke.

I declined because I’m not a big fan.

How did Tom Brady get $2?

He gets a buck n ear.

How much does Tom Brady pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

What's the difference between Darth Vader and Tom Brady?

Darth Vader probably gets high fived

What do Tom Brady and Rhonda Rousey have in common?

Both struggle to last longer than a minute with a Brazilian woman.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between Tom Brady and Ben Roethlisberger?

Tom wants his balls illegally deflated on the field and Ben wants that off the field.

What did Tom Brady say when he lost the Superbowl?

Man, that Ertz...

Tom Brady said he refuses to invest in bitcoin.

Turns out he's afraid of inflation.

What do Tom Brady and Robert Kraft still have in common?

They go to Florida for happy endings

Tom Brady retired, but he does so as the GOAT, with 7 Super Bowls, but more importantly, he’s 5x better than Nickelback.

…he’s a quarterback

Which presidential candidate does Tom Brady support?

Whichever can reduce inflation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's Tom Brady's favorite sexual activity?

Deflatio

Tom Brady is 5 times better than Nickelback

He's a quarterback

Tom Brady now has a perfect track record.

He's won 5/7 Superbowls he's been in.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Isis released a statement saying, "Fuck Tom Brady!"

Turns out they heard that he is the G.O.A.T.

What do Gisele, Eli Manning, and Nick Foles all have in common?

All three managed to take a ring from Tom Brady.

Congratulations to Tom Brady, the first player to be undefeated over 5+ Super Bowls.

He's won all 5/7.

Gas prices got so expensive that…

Tom Brady had to come out of retirement

Tony Dungy visits Bill Belicheck to try and learn the Patriots secrets.

He asks Bill about how he always wins no mater what is going on.

Bill calls Tom Brady into his office and asks him "who is you father's brother's nephew?"

Brady responds "Me"

Bill turns to Tony and says "see you, need smart players"

The next day at practice Tony calls ove...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife isn't like other NY Jets fans...

She never complains about how hard Tom Brady fucks her.

Tom Brady died

When he got to Heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Patriots flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity, Tom", said God. "This is very special; not everyone gets a house up here."

Tom felt special and walked up to his house. On ...

Eventually, after living a full life, Tom Brady dies and goes to heaven...

At the Pearly Gates, God tells Brady, "As a reward for such a fine football career I am giving you a house. Now, not everyone gets a house up here, in fact it's quite rare. Tom, consider this is a personal gift from the Lord your God." The Almighty shows him to his new home and Brady is somewhat ta...

Donald Trump says that he plans to reduce inflation.

Shortly after, Tom Brady announced his intent to vote for Trump.

Aaron Rodgers is pretty deflated after throwing two picks this game...

If he's not careful, Tom Brady might try to hold him

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I know everyone is tired of the negativity with all the recent events...

I'm negative too. I'm sorry. I can't help it. I just can't comprehend how this guy is so successful. How did he win? And to be on the biggest stage in the world now. It doesn't make sense. No one ever thought he was a real contender, but here he is.

With all the scandal, how people think his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Football in Heaven

Tom Brady and Gronk are both old and close to death.

Tom goes to Gronk's bedside, and says, "Rob...when you die and get to heaven, can you come back and tell me if there's football there?"

Gronk says yes, and dies later that day.

So about a week later, Tom is sleeping when he h...

I’ve been thinking...

I have seen a lot of hate spewed in recent days about a man who is a constant winner and overachiever, and that's what the people who support him like about him. Yes, he's been caught in some lies and maybe twisted the truth a little but he's still out there proving his haters wrong time after time....

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