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Worst Jokes

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Worst joke I know (nsfw)

I was eating out this chick and I tasted horse semen.
So I looked up and said " Ew grandma! Is that how you died?"

What are the worst three states to live?

State of Despair. / State of Confusion. / State of Poverty.

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Worst "joke" I've ever heard.

This is a "joke" told by one of my coworkers Jake. There was me him and 2 other coworkers sitting in the work truck.

Jake: You know how geese always fly in a V?

Me: Yeah

J: Well you know how sometimes the goose in the lead will switch and another goose will fly in the front?
...

What’s the worst profession to sleep with your patient?

Animal taxidermist

List if 10 worst dog breeds

1. There
2. Are
3. No
4. Bad
5. Dog
6. Breeds
7. Only
8. Bad
9. Owners
10. Chihuahuas

Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?

Anything

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My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.

Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.

Why is 6.9 the worst number？

It's a 69 interrupted by a period

Worst Geometry Joke I Know

When does a Pentagon have only 4 sides?

When it is intercepted by a plane.

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What's the worst thing you can say during sex?

Awww, and to think, in just six hours you'll have been cremated.

Break ups are the worst in China

You see her face everywhere

My girlfriend says she is having the worst period ever.

I respond with “Are you sure you’re not ovary-acting?”

What's the worst thing about Austria?

I don't know, but the flag is a big minus.

Brexit's Worst-Case Scenario:

Brexit to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovlong. Latervia. Byegium.. until EU reach the state of Germlonely.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

What’s the worst kind of cheese?

Click here for answer: >!Ou!<cheese

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My wife has the worst gag reflex.

She gags at the thought of giving me a blow job.

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What hurts the worst?

A very pregnant woman walks into a bar with her girlfriends and orders a diet coke. "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the balls?" the bartender asks the woman. "What?" The woman exclaims. "How can you say that? You have no idea how much pain a ...

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?

2 hands on your shoulders

Wife: "You always get the worst anniversary gifts."

Husband: "You didn't say over. Over."

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Ac...

Just found the absolute worst page in the dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

My 12-year-old son asked his grandfather what the worst thing about old age was...

Grandpa answered:

"It's erectile dysfunction."

My son asked:

"But is it really that bad?"

Grandpa replied:

"Imagine someone trying to play snooker with a rope... it's the same thing..."

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You know what the worst part of investigating a haunted porn set is?

You never know what’s ectoplasm and what isn’t.

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What's a horny pirate's worst nightmare?

A sunken chest with no booty!

My boss said to me, "you're the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?"

I said, "I'm not sure; it's hard to keep track."

What’s the worst three little words a man can hear from a woman?

Is it in ?

The Worst Way to Die

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, *"Tell me about the day you died."*

The man said, *"Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was ...

What's a suicide bombers worst fear?

Dying alone...

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Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?

It was great

What's literally the absolute worst thing in the whole world?

Exaggeration.

So she told me that I was the worst she has ever had on bed.

How could she make that judgement on 30 seconds ?

I own the world’s worst thesaurus.

Not only is it terrible, it’s delicious.

My sewing instructor thinks I’m the worst student she has ever seen.

Sorry. Wrong thread.

Why is Yoda the worst copilot?

"Yoda, are we still going the right way?"
"Off course we are"

What’s the worst part about being an atheist?

No one will know you were right.



(I’d like to remind you this is simply a joke)

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Worst joke I've ever heard

What is the difference between Hitler and the Boston Bombers?

One of them actually ended a race.

What's a computers worst memory??

Terrorbytes!

What is the worst response to "I love you"?

"I'm still pulling the plug Grandma"

What's the worst part of an apple addiction?

You can't see a doctor about it.

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What’s the Worst Thing a Woman Can Ask a Man Their First Time Having Sex Together?

Is it in yet?

What’s the second worst thing she can ask immediately after?

Is it all the way in?

What's the worst disease combination to have?

Alzheimer and Diarrhea. You don't know where to run

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The Worst Mother In Law Ever

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.

When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch your...

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What's the worst part about being gay?

You cant think straight.

The worst part about spring...

Getting sued by the Fine Brothers for having an allergic reaction.

The worst part about being a giraffe

is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

Credit. The Joke Cafe

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This is the worst joke I know. "A mad scientist is developing an immortality serum..."

"...and so far it works perfectly in cell culture, in worms, in mice and rats, and in racoons. Next step is testing it in dolphins. As she's reaching for the syringes for her test subjects, she notices that she's run out of serum and has to prepare a new batch. The primary ingredient is a chemi...

What's worst than to find a worm in the apple you are eating?

Find half a worm.

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

Who is the worst spy in history?

James Bond. Because everyone knows him.

Recently asked a friend, "What's the worst thing about being divorced three times?"

With some thought, he finally said, “Well, all of them were pretty good house keepers...”

“How is that a bad thing?” I wondered.

He replied, “Every time I've divorced, they've kept my house.”

What is the worst punishment for someone with ADHD?

A concentration camp

What’s the worst way to dump a blind person?

“I think we should see other people…”

What is the worst part about locking your keys inside your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go inside and asking for a coat hanger.

The worst thing about circumcision is paying full price..

..and still having to leave a tip

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Today was the worst day of my life...

First, my doctor tells me I'm dyslexic. Then, my wife texts me saying she's looking to spice up our sex life by doing Alan. Who the fuck is Alan?!

What city has the worst body odor?

Pittsburgh

The worst part about online dating

is when the girl lists her weight as 115lbs, but when you're lifting her to put her in your trunk, she's obviously well over 140.

What’s the worst part of thanksgiving dinner in Alabama?

Having to sit around a table with all the people you’ve slept with.

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Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

Worst Parents

I have the worst parents ever.

I asked them how they felt about abortion, and they told me to ask my brother.

Not only would they not give me a straight answer, I don't even have a brother.

A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...

"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."

"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

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The worst part of this election...

...isn't that Donald Trump won, but that fucking Amy Schumer is reneging on her promise to leave the country.

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

I have the worst sense of direction...

... not really sure where I'm going with this.

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A man tells his wife "you've been watching the food channel for years and you're still one of the worst cooks I know..."

"Honey," she replies, "for how many years you've been watching porn?"

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

Where is the worst place to hide in a hospital?

In the ICU.

What's the worst part of an NFL wedding?

Getting hit by Rice

Give me your best/worst jokes.

There is a really cute blonde barista at the coffee shop I go to, I already told her the two best I have. Please send me your best or worst. Dad jokes are extra appreciated.

//actual joke I told her//

Did you hear the big science news? They discovered a new element. It has elemental sy...

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my best/worst joke

Sorry for any formatting/language issues!

A man is sitting at work, when suddenly his supervisor walks by and asks:
-hey man, how are you doing? Listen. I need to ask you something. Have you ever seen a penguin?
The man thinks for a second and answers that no, he hasn't.
-YOU HAVE N...

"I've just had the worst time" the boy said.

"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy."

"Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?"

"I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever h...

What's the worst job for a talkative Italian?

A surgeon

When's the worst time to get diarrhea?

As your word in the spelling bee.

I used to have a job crushing cans. It was the worst job ever!

Soda pressing

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"Grammar Nazis are literally the worst."

"No, actual Nazis are literally the worst."

Worst surgery I have ever had?

Easy. My circumcision. I couldn’t walk for a year.

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What's the worst animal to play cards with?

A cheetah.

Because it'll rip your fucking face off.

My circus hired what has to be the world's worst human cannon ball.

Unfortunately he's unionised so we can't even fire him.

Who has the worst heart health in Congress?

George Santos. Every time he opens his mouth they have to defib him.

My wife's been missing for a week and the police said to prepare for the worst.....

...so I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

What is the worst thing that you could say to Helen Keller?

Look at me while I’m talking to you!

The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle...

It was a vile inn.

The women I meet in bars always have the worst pick up lines...

They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

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Japan's worst kamikaze pilot

He flew over 25 missions

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A man goes into a brothel

He says to the madam, "Hi, I'm a traveling salesman, I've been on the road for eight weeks. I'll pay $100 for the worst blow-job in the house."

She says, "The worst...? For $100 you can have the *best* blow-job in the house!"

He says, "No, it's all right, I'm not horny, I'm homesic...

I have the worst luck…

I have the worst luck, I went to buy a memory foam pillow - turned out it had Alzheimers.

What's the worst thing to find out the hard way?

That your toaster is waterproof.

The worst thing about celebrity deaths is the inevitable torrent of jokes referencing them from people trying to be witty when really it should be a time of mourning and respect. I won’t take any part in it.

So wake me up when it’s all over

What's the worst thing a woman can hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson.

What’s the worst crime a slime creature can commit?

Gelatany

What's the worst name for a chain of restaurants?

Dominoes

What's the worst thing a girl can hear when she starts dating a doctor?...

"Ok, you're gonna feel a little prick..."

What is worst - Alzheimers or Parkinsons?

Alzheimers. Because its better to spill your beer than forget where you put it.

What are the 3 worst mistakes in business

1. Over-promising
2. Under-delivering

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France

What the worst thing about being an illiterate wizard?

You can't spell.

The worst pain

Guys are sitting in a bar arguing about who has experienced the worst pain.

Bob says "I once dropped the cheese shredder, and it shredded the skin on my leg as it fell"

Dave says, "oh I can top that- I slipped cutting wood and drove the chain saw into my ankle".

John says "nah,...

You know, there was this IQ test designer suffering from the worst writer's block

He'd make decent progress, working out patterns like 'circle-3, triangle-2...' but no matter what, he always found himself going back to 'square-1'.

The worst thing about having an affair with your mom...

She's so fat, even if I'm with her all the time, I can never know if she's seeing someone else on the side.

Worst customer service

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a store…I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it failed So today, less than 24 hours later I took i...

Top 5 worst things about diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you!

Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever.

Took him 15 years to figure out how to turn himself into a bat

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the worst job

a group of friends were chatting about how their careers had all gone downhill.

the first one used to be a model but now drove a garbage truck. "it's pretty rubbish", she said.
"well i work at the tip, and it stinks", said the next.

the third friend worked at the sewage plant. "my...

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

What is the worst part of being a mechanic?

Always working on Brakes.

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

I'm the worst gambler ever

I bet $1293.22 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

What's the worst thing about a political joke?

They usually get elected

what's the worst punishment for bigamy?

2 mother in laws.

What's the worst christmas gift you could give to Steven Hawking?

A Walkie-Talkie.

The worst part about Tiger Wood's driving

is that it's probably going to add to his handicap.

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