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What is the worst thing your wife can say during sex?

Honey, I’m home!

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?

2 hands on your shoulders

What’s the worst thing about being a birthday cake?

After you are set on fire, you are eaten by the hero that saved you.

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

What is worst - Alzheimers or Parkinsons?

Alzheimers. Because its better to spill your beer than forget where you put it.

Who are the worst guests at a dinner party?

Vegan bitcoin owners.

What bird has the worst manners?

A mockingbird

worst superhero

Who is the worst superhero?

Vacuum Man. He sucks.

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Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

What's the worst thing about Jonestown jokes?

The punch line.

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Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?

It was great

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but can’t remember where.

What's the worst part about Ad Blockers?

Suddenly, there's no more hot moms in my area who want to meet up anymore

What’s a cucumber farmers worst nightmare?

Squatters.

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"I just don't feel sexy after the pregnancy," complained my wife. "My stretch marks are the worst. You can't tell me those are attractive."

"Nonsense," I replied. "I've always wanted a partner with washboard abs!"
[OC]

Wife: "You always get the worst anniversary gifts."

Husband: "You didn't say over. Over."

My wife has been missing for over a week.

The police said to be prepared for the worst. So I had to go to Goodwill to get all her clothes back.

What is the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?

"I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away."

What vehicle is the worst kind of gas guzzler?

A hiccup truck.

What's the worst thing about door-to-door solicitors?

Having to find an empty spot in the back yard.

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office...

Joe the dyslexic cop gets pulled into the captain's office, where he is read the riot act. The captain says, "You're a good cop, but these reports just aren't going to cut it anymore, Joe! They're practically illegible! The next report, if there's even one word misspelled on it, you are going on sus...

What's the worst part about history class?

Teachers tend to Babylon

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What is the worst issue facing cannibal couples?

Oral sex.

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

Norm Macdonald: "You want to know the worst part about doing an office congo line?"

"First, you turn around to realize there's no one behind you. Second, you realize you're not in an office, you're in a psychiatric hospital"

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary.

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

When is the worst time to have a heart attack???

When you're playing charades nobody gonna help you

decepticon are the worst kind of villains

They’re transphobic

My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture

I have a hunch, it’s going to be me.

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

The worst pub I've ever been in was called "The Fiddle"..

It was a Vile Inn...

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What’s the worst part about being a constipated Lions fan?

Can’t have a shit in Detroit

Name the worst two-wheel drive in Texas

Govenor Abbot

A bat asks another bat, “What was the worst day of your life?”

He answered, “The day I had diarrhea…”

What’s the worst sentence in the English language?

The death sentence.

Where is the worst place to hide if you are having a game of hide and seek in a hospital ?

The ICU

Why is Amsterdam the worst place to live in?

Because it's in a dam-nation.

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Confessions

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me Father for I have sinned.”

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down....

worst part of childhood is monsters in the closet/under the bed

worst part of adulthood is realizing they were living there rent-free and you missed your chance to charge them

Third-wheeling a toxic couple is the worst...

Anyway, i have to go shopping with my parents

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

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What makes the worst sex joke?

When the other person fakes the laugh.

Why is Winnie the Pooh the worst hacker?

He constantly falls for honeypots

I own the world's worst thesaurus.

Not only is it awful, it's awful.

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A dad overhears his daughter...

One day, a dad overheard his daughter praying in her room. She said "bless mom, bless dad, bless grandmom, goodbye grandad". He found this weird but didn't say anything. A few hours later the family finds out that her grandad had passed away. The dad freaked out initially, but chalked it up to coinc...

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There is a new teacher in a school, and she is sent to the worst class with the laziest and the most spoiled kids.

The new teacher starts introducing herself to the first-graders, asking some questions to them, hoping to get them to like her.

She decided to start the lesson in a fun way to get the children's attention. So she starts drawing some pictures on the whiteboard and asks the children what has s...

TIL it’s not “worst case Ontario”

Apparently the correct spelling is “Manitoba”

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Whats the worst thing you can say to a twin

Go fuck yourself

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Anna gets a call from the hospital

Anna gets a call from the hospital letting her know that her husband has been in a freak accident. She hurriedly drops what she's doing and rushes over to the hospital. Concerned and nervous, nearly in tears the doctor escorts her to the hospital room. Completely unprepared for the worst she takes a...

Guys I’ve been meeting have the worst pickup lines.

Like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

What’s the worst thing to say in a job interview?

This place is 5k from a school, right?

What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player?

To have no goal in life.

What's the worst thing about flying over the Andes?

The in-flight meal.

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My favorite Norm Macdonald joke

(I’m paraphrasing a bit)

Someone told me that the worst thing about the whole Cosby thing was the hypocrisy. I disagreed.

I thought it was the raping.


—————-
RIP you magnificent bastard.

(Edit: formatting)

Scooby Doo is the worst cartoon to watch during the COVID-19 pandemic

Because the Mystery Inc gang doesn’t seem to like people who wear masks

What is the best and worst thing you can tell your doctor during a check up?

Be positive.

Having a bad day

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think yo...

And what do you think is your worst quality asks the job interviewer?

Honesty, answers the guy

Well, i don’t think that honesty is that bad chuckles the interviewer..

I don’t really give a f what you think…

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I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer asked me, 'What's your worst quality?'

'Honesty.' I said.

'I don't think honesty is a bad trait.' He replied.

'I don't give a fuck what you think.'

What's the worst part of having twenty year old kids?

There are 20 of them.

I got so mad at these uncomfortable wooden shoes that I tried to flush them down the toilet.

Worst clog ever.

My best worst joke

What dinosaur is known for its manners?

A please-iosaur

Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever.

It took him 12 years to transform into a bat.

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Whats the worst place to loose ypur virginty?

At a family trip to Alabama

Missing someone is the worst feeling ever.

Ask a sniper.

What are the 3 worst mistakes in business

1. Over-promising
2. Under-delivering

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

What is the worst name for a hair salon?

Cut and dye

New parents are the worst

OBGYN: Hi, I'm here to deliver your baby.

New Parents: But but but.... we want him to keep his liver!

What’s a redditor’s worst enemy?

Context!

American Tourist

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of beer.

After awhile, he finds himself in a very hi...

What do you call the worst student in a graduating class of medical students?

Doctor.

What's a suicide bombers worst fear?

Dying alone...

What is the worst part of selling a casino?

Everything is a gamble.

Golfer: "You must be the world's worst caddy!"

Caddy: "No, that would be too much of a coincidence

President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

What's the worst thing to do at a restaurant in Prague?

Split the Czech!

They say if you play the new Luke Bryan song backwards, you will hear a Satanic message. But that's not the worst part

...if you play it forwards, you'll hear the new Luke Bryan song.

What's the worst thing about carpenter bees and carpenter ants?

They aren't union.

What's the worst thing about going up the stairs behind someone?

The ascent. (Ass-scent)

Thanks to my daughter for that one.

What's the worst part about having two dads?

Twice the dad jokes.

**Bonus**

What's the worst part about having two moms?

Getting stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."

A guy walked into a bar and told the bartender, "Man I need to get laid in the worst way!"

The bartender replied, "Well the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."

Someone asked me what the worst job I’ve ever had was...

I told them that in college I was strapped for cash. So probably that one.

The CDC warns tomorrow could be one of the worst days ever for Covid.

Because after the inauguration people everywhere will simultaneously exhale.

My dad said that I'm my own worst enemy.

I've been thinking about it for ages.

Why can't I be my own *best* enemy? I must be terrible at that too.

How did the worst band in the world come up with their name?

After their first gig, the crowd was shouting that they wanted their nickle back.

I had the worst day of my life yesterday.

My friend told me that it could be worse and that I could be stuck in a hole filled with water somewhere.

It’s ok, I know he means well.

Written on My Forehead

John is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now".
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the lights now? Does it look like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so".
Fine, then t...

Dave wanted to go hunting for the first time by himself, yet he was afraid that he would get lost.

"I've got an idea!" Dave said. "I'll take this bottle of Jack Daniels with me." (Jack Daniels is a brand alcohol for those of you that don't know.)

He goes on his hunting trip, and before you know it, he gets lost.

Days later, a search party was dispatched to find Dave, but a week pass...

My ex wife is a pirates worst nightmare !

A sunken chest with no booty .........

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My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.

Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

During his wedding, my friend called me the worst best man he has ever seen.

I was speechless.

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

The worst part about Tiger Wood's driving

is that it's probably going to add to his handicap.

A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...

"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."

"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

What’s worst than having ants in your pants?

Having uncles

You're probably Ghana think"no one will Bolivia. There's just Norway."

I thought I Kuwait but then I Saudi Turkey, Iraq of ribs and a Canada best sauce and my Bahrain was like Oman, I Israel Hungary... so Iran to the kitchen to put Greece in the pan.

I hoped it could get Finnish quickly and because I was Russian, I didn't Czech the label and accidentally added ...

What is the worst insult you could give a Redditor?

"You're the type to have light mode on Reddit."

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My sewing instructor thinks that I’m the worst student she has ever seen in her life.

Shit, wrong thread.

Did you know that Germans were the first to adopt daylight savings time?

It's definitely the second worst thing they've ever done.

Why are pigs the worst drivers ever?

Because they hog the damn road.

6.9 is my worst and least favorite number

That is because it is 69 that was ruined by a period

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

I have the worst neighbor in the World. He keeps on banging on the wall at 3:00 A.M.

It's really disrupting my drumming practice.

What the worst thing about being an illiterate wizard?

You can't spell.

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What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?

The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.

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What’s the worst thing you can hear while sucking Willy Nelson’s dick??

That’s not Willy Nelson!!

After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

Everyone in 2020: this is the worst year ever, I can’t wait for 2021

January 2021: U.S. Capitol building attacked, Hank Aaron dead, Larry King dead

There are so many bad puns in this sub it making me numb. But the worst are the math ones.

They make me even number.

Getting my drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

.. worst part about the Salem witch trials....

... having to go door to door to tell neighbors you're a registered hex offender.

The worst piece of bread I ever tried was in Germany.

It was *guten*\-free.

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One spooky night on Halloween...

Chris, an urban adventurer. was looking to have some fun.

He decided that since it was Halloween, it would be the perfect time to explore a spooky house. He asked the locals if they knew of any, and they informed him of this abandoned mansion not to far from where he lived. He was warned cou...

A week after my wife went missing, the police told me that I should expect the worst case scenario.

So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.

What's the worst way to describe asthma?

It's breathtaking

What's the worst/best pickup line you ever heard

Mines if I were a booger I would pick you first

So last night I had to do every married man's worst nightmare, defrost the fridge.

Or as she likes to call it, foreplay.

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Father, son, and holy spirit

Worst kill-fuck-marry of all time

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A man and woman have an argument after the man tries to perform oral sex

The woman says "you should never eat a pussy out ever again! That was the worst i've ever gotten!"

The man says "i'm jewish, i'm not allowed to eat pigs anyways."

They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place...

...Tell that to the crab.

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It’s just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during sex.

I accidentally shouted out my sister’s name last week…

My mum was not happy!

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I hate shower sex.

It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

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