This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. "You always feel like you have to pee.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day waiting for the arrival and nothin...

I have the worst parents ever. I asked them how they felt on abortion, and they told me to ask my sister.

Not only did they not give a straight answer, I don't even have a sister.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?

It was great

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

Wife: "You always get the worst anniversary gifts."

Husband: "You didn't say over. Over."

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France

Name the worst two-wheel drive in Texas

Govenor Abbot

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

What’s the worst brat of all?

A bratwurst.

A bat asks another bat, “What was the worst day of your life?”

He answered, “The day I had diarrhea…”

Why is Amsterdam the worst place to live in?

Because it's in a dam-nation.

The worst pub I've ever been in was called "The Fiddle"..

It was a Vile Inn...

Who is the worst superhero?

Vacuum Man. He sucks.

worst part of childhood is monsters in the closet/under the bed

worst part of adulthood is realizing they were living there rent-free and you missed your chance to charge them

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

What is the worst pet to give a person who suffers from Alzheimers?

A Parrot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a new teacher in a school, and she is sent to the worst class with the laziest and the most spoiled kids.

The new teacher starts introducing herself to the first-graders, asking some questions to them, hoping to get them to like her.

She decided to start the lesson in a fun way to get the children's attention. So she starts drawing some pictures on the whiteboard and asks the children what has s...

When's the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades.

My best worst joke

What dinosaur is known for its manners?

A please-iosaur

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is 6.9 the worst sex position?

It's 69 interrupted by a period.

What's the worst part about history class?

Teachers tend to Babylon

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the worst thing you can say to a twin

Go fuck yourself

What's the worst thing about flying over the Andes?

The in-flight meal.

What is the worst thing about parallel parking?

The witnesses.

Where is the worst place to hide if you are having a game of hide and seek in a hospital ?

The ICU

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever.

It took him 12 years to transform into a bat.

Scooby Doo is the worst cartoon to watch during the COVID-19 pandemic

Because the Mystery Inc gang doesn’t seem to like people who wear masks

What's the worst thing to do at a restaurant in Prague?

Split the Czech!

What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player?

To have no goal in life.

TIL it’s not “worst case Ontario”

Apparently the correct spelling is “Manitoba”

What is the best and worst thing you can tell your doctor during a check up?

Be positive.

Guys I’ve been meeting have the worst pickup lines.

Like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”

I own the world's worst thesaurus.

Not only is it awful, it's awful.

They say if you play the new Luke Bryan song backwards, you will hear a Satanic message. But that's not the worst part

...if you play it forwards, you'll hear the new Luke Bryan song.

What's the worst part about having two dads?

Twice the dad jokes.

**Bonus**

What's the worst part about having two moms?

Getting stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."

What's the worst thing about going up the stairs behind someone?

The ascent. (Ass-scent)

Thanks to my daughter for that one.

What's the worst thing about carpenter bees and carpenter ants?

They aren't union.

What's the worst part of having twenty year old kids?

There are 20 of them.

And what do you think is your worst quality asks the job interviewer?

Honesty, answers the guy

Well, i don’t think that honesty is that bad chuckles the interviewer..

I don’t really give a f what you think…

What’s the worst thing to say in a job interview?

This place is 5k from a school, right?

New parents are the worst

OBGYN: Hi, I'm here to deliver your baby.

New Parents: But but but.... we want him to keep his liver!

Golfer: "You must be the world's worst caddy!"

Caddy: "No, that would be too much of a coincidence

How did the worst band in the world come up with their name?

After their first gig, the crowd was shouting that they wanted their nickle back.

What’s a redditor’s worst enemy?

Context!

What is the worst name for a hair salon?

Cut and dye

What do you call the worst student in a graduating class of medical students?

Doctor.

Missing someone is the worst feeling ever.

Ask a sniper.

What is the worst part of selling a casino?

Everything is a gamble.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Whats the worst place to loose ypur virginty?

At a family trip to Alabama

After a few weeks of trying, my wife just told me she’s pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the worst thing about being a stripper in Canada?

Coins are painful when thrown at you.

Someone asked me what the worst job I’ve ever had was...

I told them that in college I was strapped for cash. So probably that one.

A guy finds his dog with the neighbors pet rabbit in its mouth

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house. He gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor asks the guy, "Did you h...

A guy walked into a bar and told the bartender, "Man I need to get laid in the worst way!"

The bartender replied, "Well the worst way I know of is standing up in a hammock."

What are the 3 worst mistakes in business

1. Over-promising
2. Under-delivering

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when…

a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says,
“Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?"

Moshe burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man cryi...

President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

My dad said that I'm my own worst enemy.

I've been thinking about it for ages.

Why can't I be my own *best* enemy? I must be terrible at that too.

The worst part about Tiger Wood's driving

is that it's probably going to add to his handicap.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a job interview the other day and the interviewer asked me, 'What's your worst quality?'

'Honesty.' I said.

'I don't think honesty is a bad trait.' He replied.

'I don't give a fuck what you think.'

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long.

Why are pigs the worst drivers ever?

Because they hog the damn road.

What's a suicide bombers worst fear?

Dying alone...

Get a job

A young man in a small town graduates from high school. His father comes to him that evening and tells him “Son, you’re a man now. You need to start contributing to this household. Go get a job.”

The young man is rightfully concerned. Work prospects in his town are slim. The only jobs availab...

The CDC warns tomorrow could be one of the worst days ever for Covid.

Because after the inauguration people everywhere will simultaneously exhale.

A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...

"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."

"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."

I had the worst day of my life yesterday.

My friend told me that it could be worse and that I could be stuck in a hole filled with water somewhere.

It’s ok, I know he means well.

My ex wife is a pirates worst nightmare !

A sunken chest with no booty .........

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and woman have an argument after the man tries to perform oral sex

The woman says "you should never eat a pussy out ever again! That was the worst i've ever gotten!"

The man says "i'm jewish, i'm not allowed to eat pigs anyways."

What’s worst than having ants in your pants?

Having uncles

After only a week of dating, my girlfriend broke up with me because she doesn't like my comparisons...

I feel worst than a turkey sandwich on a yacht.

The worst thing about this pandemic is all the restaurants apparently using lower quality ingredients to save money.

I'll keep eating out every day, but I haven't been able to taste anything for weeks.

The punchline comes before the joke

You know what the worst thing about a time travel joke is?

My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

During his wedding, my friend called me the worst best man he has ever seen.

I was speechless.

What's the worst thing about getting bitten by a venomous spider?

You're probably Australian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the worst thing you can hear while sucking Willy Nelson’s dick??

That’s not Willy Nelson!!

.. worst part about the Salem witch trials....

... having to go door to door to tell neighbors you're a registered hex offender.

What is the worst insult you could give a Redditor?

"You're the type to have light mode on Reddit."

I have the worst neighbor in the World. He keeps on banging on the wall at 3:00 A.M.

It's really disrupting my drumming practice.

What the worst thing about being an illiterate wizard?

You can't spell.

You already know the punchline

What's the worst part about time traveling jokes?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I almost got arrested on my way to a Pistons game

I recently moved to Michigan because of my new job. It was a step up from my previous dead-end one and of course, more pay meant more work which is why I try to enjoy the little free time that I have.

Being a huge NBA fan, I decided to catch a Pistons game at the Little Caesar's Arena. Howev...

A sad story

The day after his mother-in-law disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland
man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your mother-in-law," said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you fin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Shopping at Tiffany’s

A lady walks into Tiffany’s, looks around, spots a beautiful diamond necklace and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely at it, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesman wasn’...

Everyone in 2020: this is the worst year ever, I can’t wait for 2021

January 2021: U.S. Capitol building attacked, Hank Aaron dead, Larry King dead

The worst piece of bread I ever tried was in Germany.

It was *guten*\-free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.

Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sewing instructor thinks that I’m the worst student she has ever seen in her life.

Shit, wrong thread.

What's the worst part about having bad gas in an Apple Store?

You can't open windows.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

So last night I had to do every married man's worst nightmare, defrost the fridge.

Or as she likes to call it, foreplay.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

court-martial long

I was an M.P in the British army for a number of years.
We get called Red Caps.


I was passing through the Canteen, Mess, food, hall.

I had to arrest 2 chefs and bring them before the court marshall.
Turned quite violent.


I got bruised and worse.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking through the local park when I was verbally abused by two unruly kids.

Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..

Getting my drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it’s definitely up there.

What's the worst way to describe asthma?

It's breathtaking

There are so many bad puns in this sub it making me numb. But the worst are the math ones.

They make me even number.

They say the worst place to be in a cooking competition is last place...

...Tell that to the crab.

What's the worst/best pickup line you ever heard

Mines if I were a booger I would pick you first

A billionaire buys an elephant

Two billionaire friends meet. After a casual conversation, one of them finally asks: So, how's your home life?

The other answers: Couldn't be better! I bought an elephant!

The other guy looks at him astonished: An elephant? Have you gone mad?

The guy replies, smiling: Oh, man, ...

My worst subject is History.

That must mean I'm good at letting my past go.

LeAnn Rimes put out a double CD - one was her greatest hits, and the other was her biggest flops.

It was the best of Rimes, it was the worst of Rimes.

A week after my wife went missing, the police told me that I should expect the worst case scenario.

So I went back to the charity shop and retrieved all her old clothes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

I went to the worst escape room ever.

Its called IKEA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Want to know the worst part about online dating as an ugly guy?

Fucking nothing.

Worst name for a shoe brand?

Achilles

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I saw the worst British porno from the 60s, it was totally filthy and unsanitary...

Carrion up your Khyber.

Having U2 as a client would be the worst

All the work is pro bono.

I really hate articles that say 5 reasons why something is best and 5 reasons why it's the worst.

The whole argument is completely valid for the reason something is best. Which makes it a good article.

It actually makes the article just so contradictory it sucks.

But they are so easy to read and generally they are well written.

There are so many that each time Google recomme...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Best/worst pick up line

You know there are 8 planets in the solar system but soon there’ll be only 7 after I destroy Uranus

What’s the worst thing about monoliths?

They’re constantly throwing shade.

They say Covid-19, the novel coronavirus is one of the worst things that's happened in recent years

But if you think this is bad, just wait till you see the movie adaptation!

A Mexican man was found dead at the bottom of a lake.

He was tied up, had chains wrapped around him, and had seven bullet wounds.

When the local sheriff was asked what had happened, the sheriff replied, “It is truly the worst damn case of suicide I’ve ever seen.”

A man walks into a bar and sees a guy with a big orange head sitting alone in the corner.

He walks up to the barman and asks: "What's with that guy over there with the big orange head?"

The barman replies: "Buy him a drink and he might tell you his story"

So the man buys two drinks and walks over to the man with the big orange head sitting in the corner. He sits at his tabl...

Why Does Johnson & Johnson Baby Shampoo Have the Worst Patreon to Support?

No tiers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate shower sex.

It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

What’s the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running, but you can’t remember where.

Tom was not the brightest kid in his school.

None of his classmates liked him. He was plain stupid when it came to even simplest stuff. His teacher always told him "you're driving me crazy".

One day, Tom's mother visited school and when she spoke to teacher, the teacher directly said: "Your child is absolutely stupid, not only his grad...

I was passing by my son's bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands...

"Dear, Dad.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.

I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy.

She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of al...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A World War 2 joke

Stalin and Hitler died and were recieved in Hell by Satan.

Satan asked them to wait in the guest cabin, because he had to search for the worst place in Hell for both of them (it had been a long time since some one so evil had come to his abode) .

While waiting, Hitler got bored and as...

It's a very busy day in heaven, so God tells the angel at the gate to only allow people in who've had a terrible last day on earth.

The angel calls the first guy up, and asks him how his last day on earth was. "Horrible! My last day on earth was the worst in my life! I came home from work early, because I was suspecting that my wife was cheating on me, and when I went into my house I saw her naked in bed! I checked all the cupbo...

The weakening and eventual shut down to the AMOC is expected to reduce total precipitation in North America and increase it in Africa.

Hundreds of millions of North Americans experiencing the worst droughts in history will be like "I guess the rain's down in Africa."

Which rapper has the worst perfume?

50 scent.

What do you call the worst Italian neighborhood?

The spaghetto.

I just got the worst cramp i've ever had in my foot.

It hurt so damn bad i felt it in my sole

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during sex.

I accidentally shouted out my sister’s name last week…

My mum was not happy!

Worst Dad Joke of the Day?

You know what IBS is, right? Irritable Bowel Syndrome. What I've got is worse, IWS, Irritable Wife Syndrome. And that kids is why Dad is sleeping on the couch tonight.

What's the worst thing about having a nut allergy?

Every month is No Nut November!

My teacher told me I was the worst student ever

I said thanks mom

[NSFW] What's the worst part about going down on your grandma?

Banging your head on the lid of the coffin

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got the worst blue balls ever today.

Man, I hate back splash from porta-potties

So Joe had a bad cough.

It was the worst cough of his life. He couldn't get anything done since all he could do was cough uncontrollably. So he decided to go to the doctor.

"Doc, you gotta help me," Joe said. "I just can't seem to stop coughing."

"Oh my, oh my, you poor thing," the doctor exclaimed. "I'll pre...

Why is the Invisible Man the worst lawyer?

He can never appear in court.

The attack on Pearl Harbor will always be the 2nd worst tragedy to happen on American soil on December 7th.

The first being my birth.

The worst part about my wife being diagnosed with epilepsy is

when I ask her where she wants to get pizza, she can't decide between Shakey's and Little Seizures

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.