Whats a suicide bombers worst fear?

Dying alone

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My sewing instructor thinks that I’m the worst student she has ever seen in her life.

Shit, wrong thread.

Our boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

[NSFW] What's the worst part about going down on your grandma?

Banging your head on the lid of the coffin

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I got the worst blue balls ever today.

Man, I hate back splash from porta-potties

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None of my employees speak english, they all have bad tempers, and worst of all, they leave their shit everywhere

I hate working the monkey exhibit

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. On the way back the wife, very worried, asks: "So, honey? How's my mom doing?"

He replies: "She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!"
"Wow that's amazing!" - says the wife - "But this is very strange, dear... yesterday she seemed to be on her deathb...

I own the worlds worst thesaurus

Not only is it awful, but it's also awful.

Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"

Wife: "My husband has got to be the worst detective!"

Friend: "Why do you say that?"

Wife: "He said he wouldn't rest until he found his suspect"

Friend: "That doesn't sound so bad"

Wife: "He was talking in his sleep!"

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It’s just the worst thing ever when you shout the wrong name during sex.

I accidentally shouted out my sister’s name last week…

My mum was not happy!

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What is the worst part about your cake day?

No one gives a fuck.

( It's my cake day )

The worst thing about censorship is...

[REDACTED]

What’s a pirate and a pimp’s worst nightmare?

Sunken chest, and no booty

The worst possible pet you can have is an atom

They are always up to something when you're not looking, and when you look back they act totally innocent. If they are even still there.

What's the worst elevator song ever?

Never gonna give you up

Never gonna let you down

Why is 6.9 the worst number ever?

It’s a 69 interrupted by a period.

What's the worst part about having a lung transplant?

Coughing up someone else's phlegm

The worst club I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle

It was a vile inn

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothing," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the toilet all day and nothing comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all." "Do you have trouble peeing, too?" as...

What’s worst than ants in your pants?

Uncles.

I have the worst neighbour ever! He keeps on banging on the wall at 3 a.m.

Completely ruins my drumming practice.

What's the worst part about accidentally using glue instead of lube

Deciding whether to go to the hospital or the vet

What's the worst thing to hear at an antivax rally?

"He's having a heart attack! Is anyone here a doctor?"

What's the worst part about eating a tiny Wookie?

It's a little chewie.

Getting my drone stuck in a tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.

But it is definitely up there.

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Two years ago, my friend told me the worst joke I'd ever heard. Here it is for those of you who don't know it

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to ge...

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Whats the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl

You have to drop the bomb twice before she finally gets it

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What’s the worst part about sex?

When they wake up.

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Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems

The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem! Every morning I get up at 5:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour cause my pee barely trickles out."

"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 6:30 I have to take a shit, but I ha...

What is the worst thing speedrunner can say?

Wait a second!

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My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.

Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.

What’s the worst rated US State on yelp?

The Lone Star State.

What is the worst kind of 'minor' injury?

Throwing a kid into a woodchipper.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, bec...

What is the worst thing to feel when getting a prostate exam?

Two hands on your shoulders

What is the worst thing to say to a worrying friend who is waiting for Covid test results?

Be positive!

Best Worst Joke Ever: How do you get water into a watermelon?

You plant it...in the spring!

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A priests basement is the worst place to find yourself

Either something’s going into you or somethings coming out.

What is the worst thing to come across while searching the internet?

Your keyboard.

Ed: I bought the world's worst thesaurus today.

Fred: How bad is it?

Ed: Not only is it awful, it's awful!

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3 men arrive at the pearly gates and they see Peter. Peter says we don’t have much space in heaven so we’re taking in people who experienced the worst death

First guy go. “I was walking down the hall of my 27th floor apartment building and I suspected my wife was cheating on me. I rushed through the door shouting where is he!? I looked everywhere while my wife was trying to tell me no one is here. Then I found him. Hanging off the ledge my balcony. I st...

What’s the worst thing about being a slave?

The hours

[Serious] Just a reminder to be careful when telling jokes that may be offensive.

A few days ago I was talking to some friends, and friends of those friends, at a bar.

I decided to break the ice with the new friends with a few jokes, most of which went down very well...until I decided to tell a few more offensive ones...and picked the worst possible one to start with.
<...

After nearly a month of trying, my wife finally told me that she is pregnant.

She has the worst stutter ever.

Average people are the worst...

They're so mean.

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Worst day ever

A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and t...

My exgirlfriend was the worst

She was bulimic and whenever she ate she always smacked her lips and chewed really loudly.

I was like, "Keep it down!"

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What electrical appliance gives the worst blow jobs?

Garbage disposals

What's the worst thing about accidentally locking your keys in your car outside an abortion clinic?

Having to go in and ask for a coat hanger.

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A reporter walks into a bar

A reporter walks into a bar in a small Louisiana town. He's been sent by his editor in the big city to get a human interest story, and so he walks up to some burly guy in overalls and offers him a drink in return for the story of the best day of his life.

"Best day? Well, that must've been th...

Canada's worst air disaster occurred earlier this morning when a Cessna 152 (a small two-seater plane) crashed into a cemetery in central Newfoundland.

Newfie search and rescue workers have recovered 825 bodies so far, and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

What's worst than a baby in a trashcan ?

A baby in two trashcan.

The worst job I ever had was at the canvas factory, pushing a large needle through 50 layers of cloth over and over and over...

Sew boring!

Which machine is the worst and best at what it does?

A vacuum... It just sucks

What's the worst thing about being an egg?

You only get laid once and it's by your mom.

The worst thing about office parties...

Is having to go find a job the next day

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The worst joke I can remember [NSFW] Warning: This joke is long and terrible

A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night, thoroughly lost. Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her! Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his...

What’s the worst part about domestic abuse jokes?

The punchline

The worst thing I bought in 2019

was a 2020 planner

I heard Michigan just had the worst flood in 500 years.

Dam.

What the worst thing a muslim father can do?

Give his son the wrong backpack.

What's the worst part about working at a gynecology clinic?

Customer Cervix

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."

"Well, tell me." the man said.

The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Jone...

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

My trombone teacher said I was the worst student she ever had.

I guess I'm just bad to the 'bone.

What’s a fireman’s worst enemy?

Crazy wet hoes.

Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous

1915-17 may have been the worst years in human history for food poisoning.

1.5 million Armenians died from bad turkey.

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The worst part about opposite day is

A girl finally agreed to have sex with me.

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Male pornstars have the worst job.

It’s always a hard day at work.

What's the worst thing about letting the cat out of the bag?

Once it's out, you can't ever get it back in

You know the worst thing about working on a farm?

Milking the cows is udderly exhausting.

What is the worst part of ancient history class?

The teachers tend to Babylon.

What’s the worst time for friendly fire?

In the middle of a threesome.

The worst part about shock pens...

They don't even write!

What is the worst combination of illnesses? - Alzheimer’s and diarrhea.

You’re running, but can’t remember where.

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It was probably my worst moment of judgement, feeling over confident and giving Dwayne Johnson a big ol’ smack on his ass.

I hit Rock bottom.

What is the worst way to start a speech at a funeral?

"So, first of all... My bad."

What is the worst martial art?

Tae Kwan don't

"I've just had the worst time" the boy said.

"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy."

"Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?"

"I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever h...

What's the worst job to have on The Starship Enterprise?

Cleaning up the hollodeck.

Whats the worst part of squaring a number?

Nothing! There are no negatives!

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What's the worst part of being a self-employed, one person work from home business?

The constant sexual harassment, from the boss, while you're just trying to get work done.

I invented time travel and killed my grandfather to see if I wouldn’t be born

It’s the worst way to get to know I’m adopted..

The stock market crashing last week was worst than a divorce.

Lost half of my money AND the wife is still there.

I've made a DataBase of some of the worst Carpool Karaoke songs ever.

It's called CarDB!

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Women with no boobs have the worst attitudes.

You'd think they would have already gotten everything off their chests.

Whats the worst time to have a heart attack?

During a game of charades.

What's the worst part about being a paralyzed comedian?

You can't do stand up.

What is the worst part about driving a corvette?

Trying to keep your gold chain from getting stuck in your chest hair.

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!!

That sentence was way too long...

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What's the worst thing a woman can hear after giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?

"I'm not Willie Nelson."

What's the worst kind of condom?

A tearable one.

The worst part of having to do zoom classes out due to coronavirus is

I keep getting bullet holes in my monitor

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The worst thing about being a Japanese porn star

Is being born with pixelated genitals.

Weightlifting forums are the worst when it comes to getting information and advice on protein.

There's always some meathead a-hole that has to whey in.

You know the worst part about taking a corpse out on a date?

They're quiet they always give you the cold shoulder and always seem pretty stiff when it comes to paying the bill.

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. ...

“Well, what are you gonna do about it?” He asks menacingly. I burst into tears.
“Oh come on man” the biker says, “I didn’t think you’d cry. I hate to see a man crying”.
“This is the worst day of my life” I sob. “I’m a complete failure. My boss fired me for being late to a meeting. When I wen...

It was the Best of Times, It was the Worst of Times...

Yes, it was the middle of the French Revolution, and Robespierre and his revolutionaries had gathered up a priest, a member of the aristocracy and an engineer, packed them into a tumbrel and dragged them off to the square to the waiting guillotine.

First they dragged the priest up onto the pl...

My grandfather was responsible for 35 downed German planes in WWII.

Still to this day he holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Islamic pubs and bars are the worst

You can't drink alcohol
Or dance.


Women can get Stoned though, no questions asked.

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You know what's the worst part about giving a magician a blowjob?

Spitting out all the scarves.

What is the worst thing to need as a scientist with a speech impediment?

a physicist's assistance

Who are the worst types of blind people?

The Notsees.

Staying safe

A young woman was walking through the park late one night on her way home. Known to be a risky part of the neighbourhood, she feared the worst when a sinister looking man stopped her in her tracks. The man, while eyeing the handbag she had slung on her side, questioned, "where are you heading lady?"...

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The greatest day of my life was

When I found my dad's porn in the back of the attic.

The worst day of my life was when I found my mom's porn in the back of that video rental store.

Where is the worst place you can go?

In your pants.

(From my 5 year old daughter, now much older)

Whats the worst joke to hear during a cremation?

Knock knock

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What's the worst part about having an average or above average sized penis?

I don't know either but it's good to know im not the only one around here with a tiny penis.

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young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."
"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daug...

The worst thing about the pandemic...

...is that I can’t find an unbiased review of bat soup.

Don’t you just hate that situation when you’re picking up your bags at the airport, and everyone’s luggage is better than yours.

A worst case scenario.

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3 Guys Compete to See Whose Shit is the Worst-Smelling Shit.

It was agreed that to determine the smelliest crap, they would base it on the number of flies that landed on their respective feces.

The first guy proceeds to take a shit. After a short while, a sizable number of flies swooped in.

The second dude does his worst and unloads a big one. A...

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

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