UPJOKE
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What's the worst part of an apple addiction?

You can't see a doctor about it.

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What hurts the worst?

A very pregnant woman walks into a bar with her girlfriends and orders a diet coke. "Did you know that childbirth isn't nearly as painful as it is for a man to get kicked in the balls?" the bartender asks the woman. "What?" The woman exclaims. "How can you say that? You have no idea how much pain a ...

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"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.

"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Ac...

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Worst joke I know (nsfw)

I was eating out this chick and I tasted horse semen.
So I looked up and said " Ew grandma! Is that how you died?"

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my best/worst joke

Sorry for any formatting/language issues!

A man is sitting at work, when suddenly his supervisor walks by and asks:
-hey man, how are you doing? Listen. I need to ask you something. Have you ever seen a penguin?
The man thinks for a second and answers that no, he hasn't.
-YOU HAVE N...

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Today was the worst day of my life...

First, my doctor tells me I'm dyslexic. Then, my wife texts me saying she's looking to spice up our sex life by doing Alan. Who the fuck is Alan?!

So she told me that I was the worst she has ever had on bed.

How could she make that judgement on 30 seconds ?

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What's the worst part of a naked bartender walking backwards?

His cocktail.

What is the worst part of being a mechanic?

Always working on Brakes.

What's the worst thing a girl can hear after blowing Willie Nelson?

I'm not Willie Nelson

My buddy got arrested on drug charges and because it was his first offense, he thought he would get off lightly, but it turned out his lawyer was one of the worst in the state and ended up botching his case, so instead of getting a short term, he ended up getting 40 years without parole!!

Man, that sentence was way too long!

Whats the worst thing to hear during open heart surgery?

Anything

Top 5 worst things about diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you!

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Being a teenager is the worst. I've jerked off more than I've studied.

Which is ironic. One of then requires you to clear up space, look up the material, make sure theres no distractions around you and focus.

....and the other ones studying.

The Netherlands really has the worst customer service: I went to a restaurant and asked "Can I use the Bathroom?" The owner told me.....

U kunt

My Dad sent me this on Facebook, which means it’s almost guaranteed to be a repost. I touched it up a bit, but here you go: The Worst Day Ever

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha' gonna do about it?" he says menacingly.

I burst into tears. "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a comple...

What’s the worst thing that can happen on Friday?

You realize it’s Thursday.

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A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper...

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"<...

What's the worst thing to feel during a prostate exam?

2 hands on your shoulders

My husband has been missing for six days now

Police said to prepare for the worst.

So I went to the charity shop to get his clothes back

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects:

1. A Bi...

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Donald Trump was asked " what is 2+2"??

"I have to say a lot of people have been asking this question. No, really. A lot of people come up to me and they ask me. They say, 'Sir!, What's 2+2?' And I tell them look, we know what 2+2 is. We've had almost eight years of the worst kind of math you can imagine. Oh my god, I can't believe it. Ad...

What's the worst part about being an only child in Alabama?

Knowing that you'll always be single.

I experienced the WORST customer service today at a store downtown...

I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Wednesday morning I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work.

So today, I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl...

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

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My grandad was responsible for bringing down several Nazi planes during WW2.

The Luftwaffe said he was the worst mechanic they ever employed.

What's the worst part about locking yourself out of your car outside of a Planned Parenthood?

Having to go inside to ask for a coat hanger

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I got fired from my job today for having sex at work.

My boss reamed me out and I said, "What was I supposed to do, she was just lying there naked!"

He shouted, "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Then he fired me and called me the worst Veterinarian ever.

what's the worst punishment for bigamy?

2 mother in laws.

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The trip to Rome

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded,

\- “Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

\- “We’re taking United,” wa...

You already know the punchline

What's the worst thing about time travel jokes?

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What is the worst thing your wife can say during sex?

Honey, I’m home!

Many claim that heart attacks are one of the worst ways to go, but I disagree...

Bear attacks are definitely worse.

Not to brag, but made six figures this year

They named me the worst employee at the toy factory

What is the worst combination of illnesses?

Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.

What would be the worst Russian-American name to have?

Jack Meioff

An elderly woman was very ill, and in the hospital.

Her daughter was constantly by her bedside, but when she had to go to work, she called her husband and made him promise he would visit his mother-in-law while she was away.

When she came home after work, she asked her husband, very worried:
"So, how's my mom doing?"

"She‘s great!” ...

A man walks into a bar, takes a small piano out of his bag and then a tiny man. the tiny man starts playing the piano.

The bartender asks the gentleman "what's up"?
The gentleman explains how he found a magic lamp with a genie inside and he grants wishes. The gentleman says if you give me a couple free drinks I will gladly let you make a wish.
The bartender thinks, ok what's the worst that can happen.
The b...

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"Grammar Nazis are literally the worst."

"No, actual Nazis are literally the worst."

3 Girls die together, & went to heaven

Saint Peter said, "We have only one simple rule here. Don't step on the turtles, walk carefully"

Girl 1 walks uncautiously and steps on a turtle.
Saint peter - what have you done? We are going to give you one of the worst punishments.
Girl 1 - It was by mistake, just give me one exc...

Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever.

Took him 15 years to figure out how to turn himself into a bat

A blonde and an alligator

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of real alligator shoes in the worst way, but she didn't want to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde ...

My boss said to me, “You’re the worst train driver ever. How many have you derailed this year?”

I said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”

Worst Parents

I have the worst parents ever.

I asked them how they felt about abortion, and they told me to ask my brother.

Not only would they not give me a straight answer, I don't even have a brother.

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Did I ever tell you about the worst blowjob I’ve ever got?

It was great

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What’s the worst part about having a bat in your basement?

If you take the bat out of basement all that’s left is semen

Joker asks Batman whats the worst part of going to the opera?

When your parents die at the end

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A 'down and out' sees a sign in the window of a well known Jazz Bar saying 'pianist wanted'

So he decides to go inside and enquire. The owner takes one look and is immediately put off by the man's dishevelled appearance as his bar is pretty high brow. The man says 'please, give me a chance, before my life took a turn for the worst I was a pretty successful Jazz pianist'.

'Okay' says...

Give me your best/worst jokes.

There is a really cute blonde barista at the coffee shop I go to, I already told her the two best I have. Please send me your best or worst. Dad jokes are extra appreciated.

//actual joke I told her//

Did you hear the big science news? They discovered a new element. It has elemental sy...

What are the three worst mistakes in business?

1) Over-promising.

2) Under-delivering.

Whats the worst part about having bad memory?

I'll tell u when I remember

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever heard a pathologist say?

I’ve lost a patient.

I'm the worst gambler ever

I bet $1293.22 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

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My girlfriend is one of the worst cooks in the world

Just last night the raccoons offered me money to chip in for a lock on my garbage bin!

"The report"

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
...

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My girlfriend and my grandma have the same name

The worst thing is that, when we have sex, I yell my girlfriend's name

Wife: "You always get the worst anniversary gifts."

Husband: "You didn't say over. Over."

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Do you know which politician has the worst pull out game?

Vladimir Putin.

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

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My Sister is Obsessed With the Worst Guy Ever

To this day I don't understand what my little sister sees in this guy. He's unemployed and has absolutely no ambition to get a job. Not only does he rely on her for food but this fucker moved in as soon as they met despite my warnings to at least get to know him a little better before making such a ...

The worst band to listen to if you have kidney problems.

The Stones.

Original dad joke

I made this up a couple years ago and my kids think it’s the worst so it might work:

A fruit fly comes home and sees that his house has turned from green to yellow. He turns to his wife and says, “This is bananas!”

2 Fleas

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.

The other flea asked him, "Why are shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache of a guy on a Har...

What is worst - Alzheimers or Parkinsons?

Alzheimers. Because its better to spill your beer than forget where you put it.

what's the difference between heaven and hell?

One is eternal torment surrounded by the worst kinds of people, the other is hell

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Want to know the worst part about calling a prostitute?

Waiting for her to arrive only to find your mother, aunt, and older sister there.

What kind of Doctor has the worst credit score?

Proctologists, they're always in Arrears.

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People who say ‘I can hit my kids because they’re MINE’ are literally the worst, most disgusting, short sighted, hell bound...

selfish people on the planet.


We should all be able to smack your jerk kids.

What’s the worst thing about being a birthday cake?

After you are set on fire, you are eaten by the hero that saved you.

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A man is suffering from the worst headaches...

From about age 14, a man has been getting more and more intense headaches. They started mildly annoying, but have been consistently getting worse month after month, year after year.

Finally, after about 7 years of troublesome headaches turning into bothersome headaches, turning into debilita...

What's the worst place for a classical singer to get surgery?

The opera-hating room!

Why does nobody like playing FPS games with Boy Scouts?

Because they're good at camping.


(Credit goes to the Scout's Life magazine I got today for making one of the worst scout jokes I've ever seen.)

My wife has been in a coma for two weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.

So I'll have to go to all the charity shops and buy back all her clothes then

Why are pigs the worst drivers?

Because they always hog the road.

Joke from my 5yr old.

A man and a woman are painfully flirting

The restaurant was practically empty, save for them. The man and the woman sat in silence, each waiting for the other to begin.

The man started.

"H-Hi." **Oh god, I sound like an idiot.**

"...Hi." *My Voice! Please come out!*

"So...uh...um...do w-weather?" **What is wrong...

What’s a cucumber farmers worst nightmare?

Squatters.

The worst pain

Guys are sitting in a bar arguing about who has experienced the worst pain.

Bob says "I once dropped the cheese shredder, and it shredded the skin on my leg as it fell"

Dave says, "oh I can top that- I slipped cutting wood and drove the chain saw into my ankle".

John says "nah,...

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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find ...

Who are the worst guests at a dinner party?

Vegan bitcoin owners.

I own the world's worst thesaurus.

Not only is it awful, it's awful.

The worst pub I've ever been in was called "The Fiddle"..

It was a Vile Inn...

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France

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My boss just told me that I’m the worst mailman he has ever seen.

Shit. I meant to post this somewhere else.

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

I just found the worst page in the entire dictionary.

What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest and disingenuous.

What is the worst letter of the alphabet?

My X

A prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.

He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their back...

What’s the worst thing you can do to a dog, and what’s the second worst thing you can do to a dog?

Take away his balls

What's the worst part about Ad Blockers?

Suddenly, there's no more hot moms in my area who want to meet up anymore

What does a Russian FSB agent say when he found a Oligarch shot 13 times?

Worst case of suicide I've ever seen

After the invention of time travel, many historic figures were brought to the present to experience modern culture with varying degrees of success.

George Washington nearly had a heart-attack because of the current state of the two party system, Napoleon tried to conquer Europe once more, and Alfred Einstein became an avid redditer, amongst many other historic events.

But out of all the crazy things happening because of time travel, the ...

A fly feels a bug on its back!

"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?", it asks

"I mite be", giggles the mite

"That's the worst pun I've ever heard", groans the fly

"What do you expect?", says the mite. "I came up with it on the fly"

There were two neighbours named George and Ted, and they both grew vegetable gardens. George's garden was growing beautifully, the tomatoes best of all. Meanwhile, Ted's garden was growing horribly, the tomatoes worst of all.

One day, Ted asked George, "How do I make my tomatoes ripen?"

"Maybe you should try doing what I did," said George. "You may remember that a few weeks ago, my tomatoes were just as bad as yours. Then I remembered reading somewhere that all tomatoes were female, so I came up with a plan to rip...

What is the worst thing a bride can say on her wedding night?

"I'm glad I didn't throw my vibrator away."

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"I just don't feel sexy after the pregnancy," complained my wife. "My stretch marks are the worst. You can't tell me those are attractive."

"Nonsense," I replied. "I've always wanted a partner with washboard abs!"
[OC]

When is the worst time to have a heart attack???

When you're playing charades nobody gonna help you

A man finds an old brass lamp on the beach (long).

It’s very sandy, so he picks it up and rubs it.
Wouldn’t you know, it starts to emit a plume of multicolored smoke and a djinni appears.
The djinni says “For freeing me from this lamp I offer you 3 w…”
The man cuts him off “I know, I know, 3 wishes! My first wish is to have $200 billion dol...

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My brother has Tourrete's and it makes it very hard for him to find a job.

I feel so guilty because I'm the one who told him the worst word he could say was "fuck."

If I told him "hotdogs" was the worst he'd be working at Yankee Stadium.

Autocorrect

It's become my worst enema

Two multimillionaire friends met up for lunch and started chatting.

"So how's your home life?" asks the first multimillionaire.

"Couldn't be better," replies the second multimillionaire. "I bought an elephant!"

"An elephant? Are you crazy?"

"It's the best purchase I ever made! He grazes the lawn and makes it nice and even. The kids love to ride ...

I just picked up MDMA and LSD

Worst round of scrabble ever.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee who has the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

worst superhero

Who is the worst superhero?

Vacuum Man. He sucks.

What’s the worst thing to say in a job interview?

This place is 5k from a school, right?

A bat asks another bat, “What was the worst day of your life?”

He answered, “The day I had diarrhea…”

What's a suicide bombers worst fear?

Dying alone...

President Trump's doctor is telling the public to prepare for the worst....

A full recovery

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My favorite Norm Macdonald joke

(I’m paraphrasing a bit)

Someone told me that the worst thing about the whole Cosby thing was the hypocrisy. I disagreed.

I thought it was the raping.


—————-
RIP you magnificent bastard.

(Edit: formatting)

Third-wheeling a toxic couple is the worst...

Anyway, i have to go shopping with my parents

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*The Viagra package*

The man was just prescribed Viagra to help his love life.


Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them.

...

The stutterers

A girl is at a bar, and there are three guys next to her jabbering and carrying on and really getting on her nerves. The worst part was, they all had stutters.

So she says to them, "Listen, I came here for a little peace of mind, and I just can't stand listening to you guys any more. Here's a...

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Wedding prankster

A group of guys pledged that they would never get married, but one by one, they met the women of their dreams and tied the knot. Each time, however, the rest of the group pranked them at the wedding or reception such as not "holding their peace," or plastic poop in the punchbowl.

Time come...

What’s the worst sports team name for a Catholic high school?

The Predators

One time as a child, I walked in on my parents while engaged in an adult act…

It was the worst half hour of my life.

I went to the doctor because every time I open my eyes, I barf everywhere.

He looked me over and said it was the WORST case of SEE SICKNESS he'd ever encountered




^(made that up just now... I'm so sorry everyone)

Dixon Hormuz and Rosie Highman watch the sunset every day at the lakeside pier by their nursing home….

Everyday for 10 years running they sit on a bench while Rosie reaches down into Dixon’s pants and loving holds his retired baby maker in her hands while they watch the beautiful sunset glistening off the still lake.

One day, Dixon doesn’t come to pick her up at dusk. She fears the worst and ...

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What is the worst issue facing cannibal couples?

Oral sex.

What vehicle is the worst kind of gas guzzler?

A hiccup truck.

Why is Amsterdam the worst place to live in?

Because it's in a dam-nation.

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What makes the worst sex joke?

When the other person fakes the laugh.

decepticon are the worst kind of villains

They’re transphobic

my great grandfather single handedly took down 97 german planes in WW2

Easily the worst mechanic the luftwaffe ever had

A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you've ever seen...

"Give me two shots of Jack Daniels," he says to the bartender. "One for me, and one for you."

"You know I don't drink on the job," the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, "And that's why I like you better than my barber."

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