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Updates Jokes

I despise it when a couple has a minor quarrel and the girlfriend updates her Facebook status to "single.”

I mean, I fight with my parents all the time, but I never update my status to "orphan."

What do you call when a Pirate updates their iPhone?

an iPatch.



Story:

I went to a Pirate dinner show and they were giving away bandanas and eyepatches and I thought of this joke.

Hate it, love it... I don't care :)

In all the blackouts, those unsure of the best place on Reddit for discussion and updates about the Titan right now?

Try the subreddit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After sex with my new girlfriend last night she snuggled up next to me and said, "You are definitely the biggest I've ever had."

Apparently "ditto" wasn't the correct response.

Thanks for the updates friends, I just don't know how people get those yellowish stars and would really like to learn.
[edit] Thank you for the gold kind stranger.

A good project manager makes updates.

A bad project manager makes up dates.

President Trump begrudgingly updates his conditions by simply Tweeting:

Coughfefe

Microsoft is working on software for self-driving vehicles.

I can't wait until my car suddenly stops in the middle of the highway and reboots to install updates.

A couple called in a contractor to do some updates to their house and landscape.

A couple called in a contractor to do some updates to their house and landscape. They all walk in to the bedroom and they tell him they were thinking about painting it blue because there's a baby boy on the way. He walks to the window and yells "Green side up!" The couple look at one another a bit c...

Anyone ever hear any updates on Aaron Hernandez?

I feel like the media really left us hanging.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the height of the Great Patriotic War, Stalin is listening to the updates his marshals give him on the situation on the fronts

When the meeting is over, Zhukov is the first one to step out.

"Mustachioed asshole" he mumbles as he slams the door.

Stalin's personal secretary, Poskrebyshev happens to hear Zhukov's outburst. Being the loyal servant to the cause, he immediately reports it to his boss. Stalin orders...

Some people are like a software update

Some people are like a software update . When I see them I think ” Not now ”

Some people won't stop complaining about Steam's new updates...

... I guess they just can't see the Big Picture.

(Just thought of this and wanted to share.)

Windows should pay my laptop

It's always working on updates.

The Americans are using a new type of rocket that constantly updates its Facebook status until it reaches its target.

It's an attention-seeking missile.

A friend of mine has nocturnal birds of prey nesting in his barn.

I'm getting owl-ly updates.

God Will Save Me

A man of faith hears on the radio there's going to be flooding. He shrugs at thradio and says, "God will take care of me."

He wakes up the next day and the first floor of his house is flooded.. as the water rises, he climbs up into the roof.

A guy floats by in a canoe and s...

Update on Robert from the Paid a Homeless Lady in Nashville $1 for 2 Jokes

Thread: http://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/1rwb5t/i_paid_a_homeless_lady_in_nashville_1_for_two/ 2nd and 4th posts.

I received information today that Robert passed away in San Diego in August. This is the only information I will post.

Mods, if you don't mind letting this one camp a...

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